Dreams

In my life bad dreams have been few and far between. I attribute this to a sweet learning experience when I had a nightmare as a child and my father encouraged me to pray for no more bad dreams. I did, they went away, I didn't have a bad dream for about 15 years. Sometimes I still pray for no bad dreams, and no spiders in my bed.

Trauma is real though so bad dreams have returned to my life on an infrequent basis. About once a month of so I'll dream something to do with the addiciton - he acted out, he cheated, I had to escape sex trafficking, and things like that. I wake up angry, or sad, and restless and ill-as-ease. It is still crazy to me that something we dream can have such a profound effect on our waking hours.

Last week I had a pretty bad dream. I was mostly useless during the day because it triggered some pretty severe sadness over what my husband has seen and it triggered some body-image woes. I read my scriptures, I napped, I tried to numb with reading and television. Through the whole day my husband, who knew only that I'd had a bad dream, was patient, and just let me have space without reacting to my melancholy or taking it personally.

To me, this is evidence of change and recovery in his life and mine. I didn't lash out in my sadness and anger and he didn't lash out at my detachment. When I told him about the dream and the subsequent emotions he listened, validated, and comforted, and opened up about some of his own fears and insecurities that he had been facing for a little while. It was a beautiful evening after a wretched day.

It is evidence of the power of the atonement. Our fears, and our sadness, and our despair can all be wrapped up in the love and atonement of our Savior and replaced with peace, hope, and love. Recovery, the 12 steps, thearpy, it has all helped to to better and more quickly apply the healing balm of the atonement in my life and for that I am grateful.

He's sober and I'm more hurt

I can't remember how many times I've read on other WoPA's blogs that once their husbands got some sobriety and recovery their emotions seemed to be shaken loose and there was lots of trauma to work through. Could that be what is happening to me?

B is not quite 2 months sober and I would say is in recovery as well. He's working very hard and in general being the best version of himself, the one that I always knew was in there somewhere. I'm happy for him. I'm happy for us. I'm hopeful. The other day he even was telling me how hopeful HE is. Hopeful is not a word that he has used to describe his feelings much, if ever, in relation to this addiction.

I on the other hand have been struggling a lot lately. I've been feeling so, so hurt by so, so many things. There are the pregnancy triggers that I wrote about previously which are still very much there. B is not coming to bed at the same time as me and I can't sleep until he is in bed most nights. I fret and my imagination runs wild and I try to quell the fears but they are strong.

Then there is pinterest.

B is an artist. I've had a hard time in the past with us disagreeing about appropriate artwork, and how to study the human body for improving his craft vs. when he is lusting. He is open with the fact that he is trying to define his own boundaries in regards to this. A couple days ago he pinned something I thought was highly inappropriate, he apparently didn't agree since he pinned it, knowing it could be seen. On the same board there are other pins that I don't like due to overtly sexual tones. This particular board and many of these pins are particularly triggering to me because a year or so ago we fought over the content he was pinning. He promised to delete the offending pins. Over Christmas vacation I discovered he had not deleted them, he had in fact created a secret board and had moved the pins over, and continued pinning the same kind of things on the secret board. I think finding some more pins recently and seeing that some of the old ones weren't deleted has brought up all the feelings I had upon discovery of this board on vacation.

I'm feeling very hurt and sad and unloveable. I'm feeling very self conscious. Not only can I not live up to what porn-stars look like because I won't spend that kind of money on plastic surgery. I can't live up to what these hand drawn women look like because it is literally physically impossible. On top of that I won't live up to my personal best for a while because I'm pregnant and my body does not belong to me for the time being.

I believe it will take time, self-care, recovery work, and my Savior to heal my heart and I hope to just get out of my own way and let all these things work in my life.

Pregnant! Wowza - triggers!

Big new on the homefront. I'm pregnant! We are excited. I am not sick (yet). It is still pretty early, maybe 7 weeks. Last time I didn't get sick until around 8 weeks so we'll see. :) My last pregnancy was generally a good one. I was sick the entire time (except weeks 17-20) but I was so grateful to be pregnant after struggling with infertility that it really was GREAT!

There were some hurts I experienced during pregnancy and soon after baby boy was born that I thought I had worked through, but I am now thinking I had simply buried them. Since I found out a few weeks ago that I am pregnant I have really been on edge emotionally. All the emotions that I buried are flooding back.

See, I didn't start sticking up for myself and setting boundaries and demanding change until around 4 months after baby boy was born. So, the pregnancy was still in the full throws of dishonesty, vague answers, misleading, minimizing, and hiding behaviors by B. I knew he was looking at porn but I was ignoring it, and he was minimizing if I did bring it up, and I was ignoring my intuition. We were sexually active most of the pregnancy. A few times I was told that he didn't want to be physical because of how I looked. Ouch. And you know the six weeks after birth where sex is a no-no? Well, there were lots of favors asked of me to which I generally obliged. At the time I was just happy that he was finding me attractive again "because [my] waist was returning." Now, well, I feel like I was so incredibly used. I feel like I was blind and stupid for ignoring everything. I feel like I was just an object. I feel like I was only valued in accordance with my physical appearance.

When I started standing up for myself our marriage started getting worse. I'd heard that it gets better before it gets worse. Oh boy, does that ring true for us. We spent a year getting more distant, more volatile, and with me pulling more things out into the open. We started therapy a few months ago and stopped moving backwards and a month or so ago we even started moving forward.

I will say that for the last month B has been sober and very aggressively seeking recovery. Meetings, sponsors, contacts, phone calls, reading, studying, watching videos, the whole bit. He is doing pretty well and sticking to it so far and working on continuously being humble in response to my hurt. And maybe the added level of safety from him is allowing more emotions to come to the surface too.

Whatever the reason, the emotions are there and I am hurting and I am in pain and I am so so angry about all of it. It is so much easier to just keep him at arms length, keep my walls up, and not face the hurt. It is so deep. I don't know if I am ready to face it. I let one brick from my wall come down this morning and it was hard. We hugged for the first time all week.

Trauma is so real

Our last big step back really did a number on me and I am still recovering.

We were at the store together and had a blow-up over which bag of chips to get. Yes, you read that right. Which bag of chips led to yelling, and storming off. We connected toward the end of the shopping trip again and I told him I felt that he owed me an apology. He insisted that he in fact did not owe me an apology and it was all my fault. Then the TRAUMA took over. My heart started beating faster, my breathing sped up, my feet moved faster as I raced toward the check out so I could just GET OUT of dodge. I felt the trauma envelope my entire being. I hate that feeling.

Another time we had made some strides toward emotional intimacy. We were on our way toward physical intimacy. And the trauma took over again. I froze. Thankfully he responded with gentleness when I needed to stop. We went back to sleeping apart after that.

I was gone for several days and when I returned we were able to be kind. We even slept in the same bed again. I had been vulnerable again. The next morning there was no affection, no increased emotional intimacy. I felt let down, alone, and stupid. The trauma tried to rear it's ugly head again.

Last night we had some good conversation. I had been very triggered by something completely unrelated to my husband. He seemed to understand or at least attempt to understand that I was in a hard place and that I did not feel very connected because the trauma was very real still. In the middle of the night he tried to instigate sex. Um, NO. Clearly the understanding was feigned, or at least it didn't mean enough to him to actually put my feelings ahead of is middle of the night lust.

Amid all this I had a very tender, spiritual, and sacred experience at the temple on Saturday. It lifted me, it strengthened me, it taught me. It didn't really relate to addiction or my marriage, but to my relationship with my Savior. I have had joy this past week. Lots of it actually. None of it came from my spouse or my marriage. That is sad to me, but it is my truth right now.

I'm just waiting until therapy later this week to try to continue processing. I don't feel I have it in me to dig up the hurt again. Every few days it is brought up by other stuff and that is enough for me. The hurt is so deep, and so profound and I don't think I can let it fully wash over me right now in order to surrender. I'm scared of the hurt, of feeling the full brunt of it. I will get there eventually, but not right now. For today I'll stay on the surface and do other things that need to be done.

One Big Step Back, Two Baby Steps Forward: Part I

A lot has happened this past weekend and I want to get it all written down for my own processing and healing. I'm going to do so in three posts - the first of which will discuss the ONE BIG STEP BACK. So this post will not be a happy one, but I still feel it is an important part of the story for myself.

A few nights ago B forgot to keep the commitment he made of watching the video Helping Her Heal with me that night. He had made that commitment earlier in the day – bringing it up and coming up with the time himself.

At the end of the night he asked what was wrong and I told him that he said he was going to watch that video. His apology was “I’m sorry but this and this and this came up, as you know, and I forgot so I need you to give me understanding” To me that is not an apology – he was making excuses instead of just owning that yes, I made a mistake, and I am sorry how can I make it up to you?

We argued for about 5 minutes and then I said I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. He was in victim mode and making the entire thing about himself and blaming me so I stuck to my own boundary of not continuing such a conversation and he stormed out of the room.

We slept apart.

The next morning before I left for work I asked if he wanted to talk about anything before I left. He said “You made me feel like a failure and a scum bag so no” I responded by telling him that I did not call names, I did not yell, I did not make him feel that way. If he is feeling shame that is on him and not on me. After a couple minutes of arguing I told him I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. He kept going. I got up to walk away and he followed me for the next 10 minutes as I got ready for work. He was yelling, cursing, and blaming me for everything. It was some of the worst verbal abuse I've experienced from him. Our toddler was pushing him and trying to protect me. I did not say anything except “I don’t want to talk” and “I just want this conversation to end” He then said he was going to watch the video now and went to the computer. I told him, forcefully, that he would not watch that video with our toddler around. He got up and continued yelling at me. It was my fault that our marriage is falling apart. It was my fault that he felt like crap. It was my fault that we don't get along. I was told that I am to blame for it all, his unhappiness, our unhappiness, parts of his addiction, all of it. At one point we ended up in the bedroom while I was getting ready. I was still not talking unless I was saying that I didn't want to talk anymore.  I tried leaving as he was still verbally and emotionally abusing me and he wouldn’t let me out. He wouldn’t let me out for what seemed like a lifetime but was probably more like a minute. I only said “Please let me out” and after the minute I panicked, my breath sped up and I yelled “JUST LET ME PASS!” at which point he let me pass – berating me the entire time.

I felt very scared for my safety when he trapped me in my own room. He physically stayed in my way. He's never hit me or shoved me but in that moment I was terrified that he might, especially if I tried to force my way past him. 

Just before I left I asked if he wanted me to take little man for 5 minutes so he could cool down and he started yelling again so I just left. He told me congratulations on traumatizing our son, that it was my fault that our little boy had now witnessed such ugliness.

That day was hard. I called a friend and sobbed. I called my dad, our bishop, and sobbed. I called our therapist and sobbed. They all told me the same thing, he was not allowed to cross that line and I needed to make it clear that this would never happen again. I was grateful for their reassurance of what I knew in my heart. At work that morning a friend asked if I was okay. I broke down into wracking sobs again. I was barely holding it together all day. Scratch that I wasn't holding it together all day, only for about 1 hour spurts.

I should mention when I was a teenager my first boyfriend shoved me down the stairs once. And after we broke up he trapped me in a car for 30+ minutes while he verbally and emotionally abused me. I believe this experience with B traumatized me so much because it brought the same fear and helplessness to my heart that I experienced as that 16 year old girl. 

That day, that B treated me this way, I was ready to tell him to move out of our room for good, or possibly out of our home. All day I found myself walking with my head facing down looking at the ground. My beautiful friend who was my first call had reminded me to not let him take away who I am. I am a strong, beautiful, smart woman and he doesn't get to treat me like that and I am not what he called me and I am not responsible for the things he blamed me for. Throughout the day I reminded myself to hold my head up high and push my shoulders back and walk tall. I AM a strong woman. I CAN stand up for myself. I DO NOT deserve the treatment I received and I DO have choices.

It was a bad day.

Detaching a Bit

This has been a pretty up and down past few days.

Wednesday night is check-in night. Thursday I found porn. Ironically I wasn't really snooping or trying to find anything. I feel that maybe this was the spirit guiding me to tell me something. The problem was that according to our current set up - he won't disclose that until this Wednesday! So, I can either confront him, which would be rather pointless because it is typical of him to look at porn every other week (right on freakin' schedule) or I can wait to see if he lies to me.

I chose the later, because it would tell me more than just confronting him I believe. So, now I know he's acted out. I'm extra off balance because this is only the third time I've actually SEEN any porn that he's forgotten to delete. Unfortunately, the next day I snooped when I know I shouldn't have in order to see if he'd caught himself and deleted the evidence. That sent me into a fear and anger spiral, like snooping always does when it is not instigated by a prompting. And now I'm trying to dig myself out of it.

Also, I am seriously ashamed of this (which means I need to get it out) I clicked on one of the two links. The thumbnail wasn't pornographic but the title indicated that is was porn. I clicked, and it started, and the volume was up, and I immediately regretted my decision and had a moment of terror as I was trying to turn it off and COULDN'T for a full five seconds because I don't use tablets ever. The sounds and images are burned in my mind and I'm into my fear, sadness, and anger even deeper because of my wrong choice. I am working on repenting of my actions, and surrendering my negative emotions, so I can be free from the chains that are binding me in my anger. It is tough work.

Amidst all this mess I'm still cohabiting with the person I know betrayed me again. It has made my blood boil even more watching the complete 180 in him since he acted out. Wednesday night he was in a pretty depressed state. Thursday night he seemed chipper, calm, patient, loving, affectionate and has been pretty much ever since. I guess life is better when you've properly numbed up all the negative with acting out in your addiction! The thing that gets me is if I hadn't found the porn I would probably have been all these things back to him and we might have even been sexually intimate.

So I've detached a lot this week. We are only having superficial conversations and I'm extra busy with cooking, cleaning, and I have been needing to go to bed early and been purposefully trying to not go to bed at the same time so I'm not asked for any extra curricular activities. I will say it is probably the most successful I've been at detaching and I just need to make it to Wednesday so that is good.

I have also tried to up my self-care by reading my scriptures more, reading a book I have been meaning to get to, long baths with essential oils, painting my nails, naps, and lots of play time with my little boy. Those have all helped me not go nutso this week. My plan to make it to Wednesday is simple - work long hours. Tonight I have a Bachelorette viewing party so I really don't need to spend any time with B and tomorrow night I can figure out something to keep us at a safe distance.

My plan for if he lies to me is to tell him, without specifics, that I know he isn't being truthful. If he continues to lie or goes into addict mode defensiveness or verbal abuse I'll step away from the conversation. If he lies at all I will be buying and installing spy-ware in order to know the extent of his lies. Luckily for me we have therapy the next day, and I have my first solo therapy session as well so I have help coming soon. I am also trying to muster up the courage to kick him out of our bedroom completely if he lies to me, for an undetermined amount of time. I honestly don't know if I have the courage and the self-confidence to do that, but I want to do it. We'll see.

Why I love the song "Girl Crush"

Ode to a country song full of trigger potential for WoPA's. The song, "Girl Crush" by Little Big Town (video below). I know many women find this song revolting. That is absolutely understandable. I however, LOVE this song so much. So listen at your own risk. The great thing about music, to me, is it has the power to put words to things I feel, or have felt, in a way I am unable to accomplish. The instruments used, the melody, the harmonies, the lyrics, the arrangement all make an emotion that is more than just words. To me, this song, hits on something I have felt in the past many times. It sounds like I felt, it feels like I felt, it reminds me of those emotions. 

This song, for me, is about being jealous of another woman because she has the heart or attention of the man I want. When I was in high school I felt this way about a few girls. I wanted their hair, their waist, their legs, their eyes. Really, I wanted the attention they were receiving but in my young mind they were the same thing. If he is showing her attention and I want his attention then I must be like her to get his attention. My self-esteem was very low in regards to my physique, and my worth as a love interest.  

In college I felt this way about my roommate. I wanted her blue eyes, blonde hair, petite frame. I thought I might even need to have her dissatisfied, negative attitude because all the guys were falling over themselves (and me, as the roommate)to get to her. They befriended me as a way to spend time with her and get information about what she liked and didn't like. When it didn't work out they would complain about her personality, attitude, selfishness, and general grumpiness to me but they still were kind of hooked because she was so darn beautiful. At least that helped me not focus on changing who I was on the inside. However, I still wanted her body. I hated mine. 

I dreamed of the day when I would find the wonderful man who would love me for who I was, for what I looked like, and would find me irresistible the way all these other guys found the other girls in my life irresistible. Then it happened. I met B. He liked my roommate too (different roommate), but he went after ME! (okay, it took a little time, but he did). He couldn't get enough of my kisses. He told me I was beautiful. He was attracted to me, inside and out (was my understanding at the time). We struggled to stay chaste, which to me meant I was irresistible to him. We fell in love, we got engaged, he told me he struggled with porn and was working on it, I patted myself on the back for being understanding and non-judgemental, and we were married.  

Over the next few months or year I learned a whole heck of a lot more about what pornography addiction is and all that it entails. And those old feelings returned. It wasn't a jealousy of a particular woman but all women. It was a knowledge that I needed to have a different body in order to have the full attention of the man I wanted so badly. I was jealous of all the porn stars. I was jealous of all the women I saw everywhere because my husband probably lusted after them. I was jealous of celebrities because I was sure he lusted after them. I was jealous of the friends I knew he lusted after. All of his lustiness was confirmed by his comments here and there about their butts, or boobs, or whatever. Those feelings took years to shake. Every once in a while they return, but they don’t stay for too long anymore. I've gained too much knowledge about my worth and what beauty really is to let them have so much control of me. 

This song, though, takes me back to all those times. Not really in a sad way. I just remember the way I felt and I want to hug that girl. I want to tell her that she doesn't have to change. I want to tell her that someday she will understand that beauty isn't what those men are after. I would tell that young wife, whose heart was crushed into a million pieces when her husband told her he isn't attracted to her and if she would just lose weight that he wouldn't need to look at porn, that her husband is wrong and he doesn't even know it. I would tell her that someday she'll be part of a community of women who are the most beautiful women she's ever known and they span ages 20 to 70, and are all shapes and sizes and hair colors, and they are called WoPAs, and they will teach her about her true beauty and worth. I would hold her, and let her cry on my shoulder so she wouldn't have to cry alone on the shower floor. I would take this song back in time so she had a song to express her feelings better than she could. And then I would remind her that she knows, deep down, that even though she feels this way now, it isn't the truth - the belief that she needs to be like the blonde roommate, or the hot runner her husband likes, or the porn stars - it isn't the truth.  

The truth that is in her heart, and was instilled in her as a child, is that she is a daughter of God, and is of infinite worth, and is beautiful. The truth is she doesn't need to fit the world's definition of beautiful because someday Heavenly Father will speak His definition of beautiful into her heart, and she will never forget it. 

This song reminds me of how far I've come and how much I've learned. It helps me feel that it is okay that I didn't always know what I know now. I am at peace with my girl crushes of the past. I hope to minimize them in the future as I put my knowledge and understanding to use in my own life and heart. But when I find myself thinking of "her" and being jealous of "her" I can come back to this song and remember how this song expresses these emotions but also reminds me of how much I know that there really isn't anything to be jealous of after all. 

This time the "off" feeling was definitely me

Last night I was feeling, or beginning to feel lots of negative emotions. I was sure B is not being truthful, I was angry at him for that, I was sad, I was lonely... the list goes on. I was not where I wanted to be emotionally or spiritually. I was wasting time on my computer, B was behind me working on his. The emotions were getting stronger. I became frustrated that the good week we've been having might come to an end. Gah - just stop you stupid brain!! Just shut up and let me be still!!

Then I remembered the story Rhyll Croshaw shares about knowing something was off and first checking herself to see if it was her before she asked her husband about what was up. So, I went through my day in my head. Wow, it was a triggerful day!

There was an old movie (I'm talking black and white) on and I DESPISED the main guy. As part of that time period I guess he got away with TOTALLY forcing himself into her (the main girl's) apartment, forcing kisses on her, being a TOTAL TOOL, and in the end she still chose him over the respectable, kind, gentle man who also wanted her. Seriously, I didn't watch the entire thing but it was on while I was in and out.

This is the total tool after he stood up the girl who still chose him.  Yeah, those flowers - from the OTHER guy and Mr. Tool just took oen and put it in his lapel. Maybe my anger is too strong since it is a fictional character from a 70 year old movie, but still, I really really dislike this guy. Also, did I mention there was a chorus line, and she was the lead chorus girl? The gentlemen's club for high society 1940's equivalent that was apparently totally fine and acceptable? Gah, stupid movie. The movie is "A Yank in the R.A.F." just so you know never to watch it.

There were some sexualized commercials. There were some tasteless jokes by my brother. There was the evening before where B and my brother had been as a sporting event and my brother came home talking about how great it was to see all the scantily clad girl athletes. Then it ended with The Bachelor. This episode one of the big moments was one of the final four women telling Chris about her posing for playboy, and making a video for playboy, and then it showed them looking at the pictures and watching the video together in a crummy hotel room. SO AWKWARD. Dim blue light from laptop screen on faces, crappy music from the video, and Chris giggling awkwardly.

So, in review, my day was full of things that grated against my soul and heart as just wrong. It was a miracle I hadn't cracked earlier in the day! I realized that maybe it wasn't B this time. Maybe me feeling off was ME and not him and I needed to get myself together. It is always hard to convince myself to do things to change my mood when I want to just sit and fester and be angry with B. It is so much easier to blame someone else for our bad behavior or moods. But alas, I knew it wasn't him this time. As I continued wasting time on pinterest there were about 5 quotes/affirmations in a row that said something to the effect of we can choose our actions, we need to choose the Lord, make Him our anchor, stuff like that. Message received - I need to up my spiritual game for the evening to get out of this mess.

So I read my scriptures. It wasn't super enlightening. I read them with a little bit of angst and boredom to be honest. But I did it. I read them, and after one chapter I didn't feel any better so I kept reading. After a few more chapters I began to see a light at the end of the tunnel. B informed me he was staying up late to work, which scared me and caused some anxiety but I didn't trust myself to handle a conversation about that very well. So I said a prayer and went to bed.

This morning I woke up and my heart is lighter. I was rejuvenated and have been very productive. It worked. I started experiencing negative emotions, I assessed the cause, saw that it was me, and although I didn't feel like it I reached out for the gospel. I reached for my Savior's hand as I was falling into the water weighed down by my fear. He caught me. He will always catch me. 

I Want To Feel Safe

About a week ago I discovered another lie of deliberate omission by my husband. It was the most recent in a round of one ever few weeks since maybe mid-November. I've lost count I just know that for a few months now, for the first time in our marriage, I've actually caught lies. For a while I was okay getting over them in a decent amount of time. Then I started questioning why I'm finding so many. I still believe maybe the Lord saw fit that it was time I knew a little more of the truth.

For the last week I've been trying the "fake it til you make it" route on trusting B. I thought that if I could just move on and act like I trust him and force myself to believe him then I would and I'd be able to skip on the trauma mode portion of the cycle. I've not done a good job. I have asked EVERY SINGLE day if he's looked at anything, which is WAY out of my norm. I usually don't ask, I expect him to tell me. And the asking isn't helping because when he says "No" I immediately think, "Yeah, right, you're lying, asshole."

Turns out you can't force trust. Turns out this lie might have been the straw that broke the camel's back as far as some serious boundary considering. I'm considering having him move out of the bedroom. I've implemented a couple nights apart plenty of times for acting out and lying. I've never actually made it a quasi-permanent situation. I'm not sure if I want to. It is the boundary I first thought of when this happened a week ago but I have been going back and forth because I don't know if it is because that would make me feel more safe or I want to punish him.

I want to feel safe. I also want to punish him. In the moment I want him to hurt like I do. I want him to FEEL. I want to break him like has broken me. I want him to see all my worth and know that he's nearly lost me. I want him to actually CARE about something more than pornography. I want him to actually get his work done and help support us financially in the way he is supposed to be doing. I want him to ask me on a damn date. I want him to fall over himself making it up to me. I want him to go to meetings, and read books, and do the steps. And therein lies my problem. Aside from the first one, all these things are for HIM to do and I can't force HIM to do anything. 

So, back to the first one. I want to feel safe. How do I feel safe if I can't trust my spouse to simply tell the truth. There have been so many times he assured me I know everything. The lies that I've uncovered so far haven't been things worse in nature than what I already knew. In fact they are all a little less bad in nature but they are still acting in his addiction and they were all kept from me because "they aren't all the way acting out." So the women weren't FULLY nude. Or it was just "dancing." Or, it is "reference" for his art. Or I wasn't told because it is "better" that he didn't hurt me so much by telling me.

I need to take control of my life back from this stupid addiction. I want to feel safe. But how?

When I Finally Realized I'm Grateful for My Pancake Bottom

Warning, I'm talking about one particular thing that is prevelant in B's addiction so this might get triggery for some people.

A little background, my entire family (parents and all my siblings) have great bottoms. They are nice and round and perky. I have a pancake butt. All my pants are saggy where my butt is supposed to be. Underwear is baggy too, so uncomfortable. I've always been jealous of my family for this reason. This jealousy only increased when I found out that B is a butt guy. I knew this before I knew about pornography addiction just from those silly conversations you have when you're dating and engaged. I thought, I'm so glad he loves me even though I don't have what he likes! BARF, I know.

Over the years every single time I've found evidence there has been a focus on large butts. This partly why the whole Kim Kardashian nekked pictures were so triggering for me. And anything with J. Lo. And the fact that B has a celebrity crush on Beyonce. Also, my sister in tight pants with B around has also caused panic even though I hate myself for admitting it because she is the sweetest, kindest, most joyful and caring person I know. 

Today the spirit whispered a sweet something to me through an impression. Maybe it is a blessing that I am not blessed in that way. I don't have to face the trigger of my OWN bottom and his feelings about it near as much as I would if mine looked like the pictures and videos I've found. Sure, addicts will take what they can get and I know I've been objectified by B but I just also am so happy to also know that I don't have his biggest trigger. It is a weird feeling of having finally noticed a tiny piece of divine protection that I was blessed with. 

This might sound crazy but oh well. Today I learned to love my pancake butt!

I'm Allergic

So, my body is freaking out. I won't go down the laundry list of things going wrong in the past couple weeks. They are all pretty minor but just coming is such quick succession is annoying. The latest one: This morning I woke up with a crazy rash all over my body. I headed to school and it only got worse. I started panicking; I hate not knowing what is going on with my body! I realized the one thing I'd done differently was use a new loofah last night. I thought I was having an allergic reaction! In 27 years I've NEVER had an allergic reaction but here it is, an itchy, red, bumpy rash all over all of the sudden. I skipped my work after class and came home to take a benadryl and a nap fully expecting it to be gone when I woke up. No such luck, it is getting worse and now I have a low grade fever. I had to skip the volunteer activity I had planned for tonight. Now I've consulted a nurse friend and taken another benadryl with a plan to call the doctor in the morning if it hasn't gone away.

The reason I share this story is I kind of see an analogy of the trauma brought on by our loved ones addictions. I can be going along fine, working hard in my life, finding peace, and then BOOM all of the sudden I don't recognize where I am and have no idea how I got there. Stupid trickle disclosures, or D-day, or just addict mode, or a trashy ad on the TV, or any other kind of trigger. All of the sudden I'm not feeling peace, I'm not exactly sure what to do but I know I can't just ignore the new symptoms.

So, I think about recent events. I look inward. I find a reason for the sudden change. Hooray! If I have a reason then I can name whatever is happening and take steps necessary to remedy it right? I can reach out to my WoPA friends, pray, ponder the gospel, meditate, work on steps. So I get to work. Sure, it takes putting other things on the backburner (like me skipping work and study group today) but it must be done so thems the brakes. (I'm saying this casually, but I actually get quite irked by having to interrupt the things that need to be done to work on healing from something that shouldn't be happening in the first place). I get to work, but after a few scriptures and prays I'm not better. What?! Why do I still feel this way? Why is it getting worse?!

There is still more healing and investigating to be done. And that is how I feel about recovery. I work hard, I find peace, and I get triggered or panicked or new information thrown at me and I have to dig deeper, do more work, more self-assessment, maybe even go to a doctor. But, I do believe there is an answer. There is a healing balm to be had and someday I will be healed and I will be stronger for the experience.

**Post-Note: It turns out I was having a bad reaction to an antibiotic. I'm now have taken a steroid shot, started an oral steroid, and applied a steroid cream. The power of the atonement is even stronger than multiple steroids at combating out trauma and I'm ever grateful for that!

And then there were two - addicts in the house

We are living with my parents while I am in graduate school. My teenage brother is still at home too. Last Thursday B acted out - and I crashed and burned in response because I didn't stay in a safe place long enough (see my last post). Then on Saturday morning I discovered that my brother most likely has the same addiction. My toddler got on his phone internet (thankfully NOT anything inappropriate) but I just felt like clicking over to the history so I did. For the last month 95% of the sites visited were pornography and there were dozens and dozens of sites.

I can see now that I immediately numbed. I went into busy mode of tasks: 1) search for help for parents, 2) tell my parents, separately because my dad knows about B and my mom doesn't so it would be a different kind of conversation, 3) send resources to parents 4) comfort my mother 5) work in the afternoon. I stayed calm throughout the day and even into Sunday morning. B was still distant and unsupportive and involved in his own thoughts. I got home from church and felt my numbness starting to crumble even though I really did NOT want it to crumble. I found myself super curious about when my parents would talk to my brother and what they would say and what he would say and I wanted to tell him I loved him but I also wanted to through his phone across the room and then take a hammer to it. I wanted to hug him and support him and I wanted to kick his shins, and yell, and call out every single lie my parents were going to buy. I was sure he would lie because that is what addicts do and that is what he has been known to do. I was sure my parents were going to believe them because while they aren't stupid they also aren't versed in addiction. I wanted to scream and cry and break things so badly but I just sat, I had dinner, visited, cleaned. I played with my son.

At one point I knew my parents had talked to my brother but when they were done he seemed happy. He was chipper and energetic and just talking about his plans for the evening and making jokes. This was certainly not the behavior of someone who had just fully confessed his deepest darkest secrets to his parents. This was not the behavior of someone preparing to make huge adjustments in his life. This was not the behavior of someone who had faced the truth of his problem. This was the behavior of my brother, making light of things, and business has usual. I cautiously asked my parents how it went and only got a "good" and "he said what I expected." I know they are now keeping it between them and my brother. That is fine. Just because I discovered it doesn't mean I need to be involved in anything else. If I am honest with myself it is BETTER that I'm not involved with anything else. In the moment when it became clear I was being cut off from any information the last of my numbness crumbled.

I am hurt. I am hurt by my husband's actions. I'm hurt more by his inability to empathize, or think of me, or support me, or even spend a few minutes helping me. I'm feeling lonely and surrounded by filth knowing that two of the three men in my house are regularly viewing smut. I'm feeling lonely because I can't help my mom and share all that I have learned because she doesn't know why I would know anything about this addiction. I'm fearful that nothing will change. Both B and my brother will continue to harm themselves and their loved ones by selfishly indulging in their compulsions and not seeking help. I'm overwhelmed.

Last night I was feeling all this yuck and when I was visiting with B while he had a video game on he asked me how I was doing. He didn't even look at me or turn off the game so I knew it wasn't safe to truly share with him. So I told him I didn't think I wanted to talk about. To his credit after a few moments he turned off the game and came and found me. He wasn't very excited about it, and he definitely gave the strong vibe he was asking out of obligation instead of true concern but I took his actions as a message that I could share. So I did, and I ugly cried, and I spilled my heart. He held my hand, and said he was sorry for the pain. And then while I kept talking (mind you, it had barely been 10 minutes), he fell asleep. I stopped talking, and a few minutes later he opened his eyes and said, "What was that?" CLEARLY he was not actually a safe space right now. I clammed up and made light and excused myself to bed. He chose to stay up and play more video games.

TRIGGER!!! Seriously, he can't stay awake for ten minutes of me being my most vulnerable and in need but as soon as I'm done he will stay awake to play video games. I cried myself to sleep for the second night in a row. The thing that gets me the most is just how selfish this addiction makes people. They cannot see past themselves.

On my way to work today I heart the Carrie Underwood song "Something In the Water" which I love. If you haven't listened to it, please do. It reminded me that my Savior is still there, waiting for me to ask for help. And while I'll still hurt, he can help me move to a place of peace and acceptance and eternal perspective. And he will listen, and stay awake for as long as I need to talk to Him. In this moment I just realized that He gets that feeling because his disciples fell asleep when He needed them most too. He understands.

Matthew 26: 36-44:

 36 Then cometh Jesus with them unto a place called Gethsemane, and saith unto the disciples, Sit ye here, while I go and pray yonder.

 37 And he took with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, andbegan to be sorrowful and very heavy.

 38 Then saith he unto them, My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death: tarry ye here, and watch with me.

 39 And he went a little further, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.

 40 And he cometh unto the disciples, and findeth them asleep, and saith unto Peter, What, could ye not watch with me one hour?

 41 Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.

 42 He went away again the second time, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if this cup may not pass away from me, except I drink it, thy will be done.

 43 And he came and found them asleep again: for their eyes were heavy.

 44 And he left them, and went away again, and prayed the third time, saying the same words. 

The Savior can help us no matter our pain, and we are never alone unless we choose to be alone.

The Picture from the Horrible Vacation

Image from blackdreamer.com

I say the vacation was horrible but it really wasn't. We had the opportunity to go to the Caribbean a couple years ago. The island was beautiful. The friends we were with were fun. The food was good. The water was clear. The beach was warm and clean. The sailing was spectacular. The snorkling was adventurous. But there was an undercurrent. That week I was hardly touched by my husband on our fabulous vacation. He was distant and closed-off and grumpy.

*Warning, this next paragraph could be super triggery - proceed with caution*

I knew in my heart what it was about. The beach, the sun, the ocean all afforded lots of opportunities to see beautiful, scantily-clad women. And when I say scantily clad I mean it - many of the beaches were topless-optional. Even the beach we were at the most which wasn't technically a top-less beach gave us a nice long look at two 20-somethings who weighed a buck-ten in their string bikini bottoms and bouncy, perky, naked boobs as they walked by slowly and turned around and walked by again. I'm SO sorry if that is triggery for you. It was my reality. So, it came as no surprise when B told me he was depressed because I didn't look that way and it made him feel distant from me and less loving toward me and why couldn't I just try harder. FACE-PALM. It should have been a GREAT vacation. One we will likely never be able to afford again. It was absolutely ruined by his addiction. The reason I'm thinking about it now is someone commented on a picture from that vacation on Facebook. The picture is in a beautiful setting with the sun-set behind us, palm trees, sand, and my husband's arm around me. We are both smiling at the camera.

Except, are we really smiling? There are no teeth in my husband's smile. And while mine looks fine when I saw it next to pictures where I am not in trauma mode it was OH SO CLEAR that I was unhappy and it was a forced smile. My eyes look sad. The corner's of my mouth aren't turned up quite as much. My shoulders are hanging. It brought tears to my eyes seeing that picture again and realizing just how sad I was in one of the most beautiful places I've ever been.

This is what makes me so angry when it comes to this addiction. So many things have been stolen from me. The fabulous vacation memories are stolen forever. I don't know that I'll ever go to a tropical island with my husband again. Seriously, never, ever. It was so traumatic. So potential vacations are stolen. Gosh darn I hate it when things are stolen from me.

As I think this though the following quote enters my mind. I remember when it was taught and it was said with great feeling - as I'm sure anyone who's heard Elder Holland teach can imagine:

"Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come." —Jeffrey R. Holland

I love this and I rely on it. All the things that are stolen from me are okay. Some blessings don't come until heaven, but they COME. I'm learning more and more to trust God, to rely on Him, and that He will bring me peace and happiness and hope ALWAYS.

Triggered by seeing what he was triggered by - and then letting go and letting God

Yesterday I was at an event, sans B, where there are LOTS of people and LOTS of young, pretty, not-so-modest women. A few weeks ago B was at a similar event (okay, it's a sporting event). So, B was at a game sans me and came home and we had a good evening. Then the next day things got weird and bad and the next day he acted out and was in FULL ADDICT mode people. Like, full on. No bueno. Upon reflection he said the triggering had started at the game with all these beautiful daughters of God who have simply not been raised to understand the same way I do about modesty.

Fast forward to yesterday, I was at a game sans B (not because of bad blood, just the way our schedules worked out). About half way through my time there I all of the sudden felt the triggery feeling coming, the trauma mode, the confusion/distraction/can't think/can't look at anyone/want to curl of and cry feeling. I was looking at all this SKIN and it was perfect, and it was on thin bodies, and smooth, and tan, and nary a stretch-mark in sight. I'm go grateful I've been working hard to keep the spirit with me and work on some step-work because it only took a few minutes for me to have the following inner-dialogue:

Me: So this is what B was looking at that he liked so much that he couldn't resist looking at some porn just a day later to keep the feeling going?

Me: Well, I guess I can understand how disappointed he was to come home and find ME as his wife (insert self-deprecating critiques that I don't want to repeat)

Me: Wait, okay, wait. These girls have done nothing wrong. It isn't their fault. B is responsible for his own actions. Crap, I'm triggered.

Me: Okay, they are daughters of God, this isn't about them it is about me. It is a lie that I am less than them because I look differently. But I'm feeling like it isn't.

Me: Remembering Step 1 *I am feeling like my emotions are unmanageable* *Let go and Let God*

Me: Heavenly Father, I need you to take this one. I can't deal with these emotions. I can't leave so I'm still going to be surrounded by this but I don't want to feel this way. I'm handing it off to you.

Within 30 minutes the trauma-mode had disappeared and I was back to normal.

It is amazing how simple principles can work wonders in practice. The recovery process isn't about not feeling hard feelings, it is about giving us tools to recognize the good, the bad, and the ugly for what it is and deal appropriately.

Angry All Day

I hate today. I have not been this angry in a while. I have not cried this much in a while. I feel like we've taken a huge step backwards. I feel like he is in addict mode but feigning calmness and he keeps quoting prophets and scriptures at me to back up his claims. It doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel okay. It doesn't feel right. Am I just crazy? Am I the one under Satan's grasp today? Full of anger, hatred, and disgust? Or is this my gut telling me "perk up - he is in addict mode - detach - protect yourself!" I have no idea. It is too much to write out now. I just don't have anyone to turn to and I'm supposed to just act like it is all okay, life is normal. Fake it till you make it. I feel another round of tears coming on - I better sign off.

A Triggery Evening - The Internet has so much SMUT

Last night before I went to bed I was online wasting time on pinterest and facebook. Generally these sites are safe for me as I don't have scandalous friends and I unfollow any boards that contain salacious material (NOT a fan of the "boudior" boards that several of my friends started - can we say soft-core porn and just call it what it is?) Anyway, for some reason there were asses everywhere last night. *This is especially triggering for me because of B's preferences for large derrieres and some of my worse D-Day finds* There were adds, little thumbnails for articles, pins, everywhere. I'm so confused as to how I can be reading a feel-good look-how-cute-this-child-is article and the adds on the side are "Big butts have been in a long time" and "17 actresses went full frontal" with IMAGES that are AWFUL. So, after about 15 minutes of trying to navigate away from the smut I realized I was way triggered and even the normal exercise pins were causing me some panic so I closed down and walked away. Gah. I just want to find a cute craft or a new dessert recipe - do I really have to be subjected to this crap?

Fast forward to when B came to bed. I told him about it and I asked if he had looked at anything on my computer. He typically uses his computer - I thought because it reduces risk of being caught by me not being on that device and it is in a more hidden spot (mine is in a hallway). He said no, that he had deleted some trash that was on there, which I'm taking to mean there was porn stored on the computer and he made sure to delete it so I didn't find it. Then he said the kicker, he doesn't use my computer because the sound isn't that great. Well HELL. I didn't need THAT in my head. So, my computer isn't used because he can't hear the moans and groans as well? Yuck, double yuck. Seriously, still feeling squeamish just typing this.

So now I'm conflicted. I'm glad he was honest with me. I'm glad he is being open with me. I also don't like thinking of the things he hears while he watches. Having some flashbacks today. Trying to decide what to do about it. Detach? Talk? Call someone? Gah. Yuck. Double Yuck. The sound isn't as good! FACE-PALM