My husband told me last night he is back to one day sober. Per my boundary we sleep apart after he acts out. He told me he wanted to sleep in the bed. I slept on the couch, which felt like an added betrayal - First you are going to hurt me and then you are going to put your night's rest above mine... Thanks.
I'm grateful that he told me, and he told me sooner than at our agreed upon once a week check in.
I'm grateful to have somewhere to go today.
I'm grateful for other things to focus on (a sister's wedding, my graduate school research)
I'm grateful for scriptures - I am in 3 Nephi right now while I listen on my commute every day. I'm grateful that I am in the middle of Christ speaking.
I'm grateful for my sons.
I'm grateful that my husband was calm this morning.
I'm grateful for Dr. Pepper.
I'm grateful for dark chocolate.
I'm grateful that I have recently been upping my recovery work so I am a bit more prepared for this.
I am trying to focus on things I am grateful for so that these thoughts might drown out the anger and sorrow and emptiness and apathy and frustration and betrayal and keep me from going down the rabbit hole. My husband refuses to answer any questions about his behavior and will only say that he acted out. I have two questions I ask - where were you and where were the kids? He will not answer anything and told me so before I even had a chance to ask. He puts pennies in the trust jar by telling me, ahead of schedule even, and then dumps out a whole handful by following it up with "But no questions and I won't sleep on the couch"... So, I'm a bit confused.
I know I will be okay at some point. That point is not today. I will focus on gratitude and will work to let myself feel all of the emotions and lean into them so I can go through them.
Showing posts with label gratitude. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gratitude. Show all posts
Friday, June 23, 2017
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Finding God
Much has happened in the last month. I don't have the emotional energy to go through it but I did want to post something.
Amid all the turmoil in life I have felt so much love from my Savior. I have found that when I am still, and open my heart, I can see Him pouring blessings upon me, even in my darkest hour.
Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God..."
I find God in scripture, in music (not just Hymns and church-produced music either), in family, in finding the perfect parking spot, in a good meal, in kind words from friends, in therapy, in church, during my commute, in the community of Wopas that I have found.
Today I found God in the tender moment with my toddler where he, unsolicited, put his little hands firmly on the sides of my face and turned my face toward his, looked deep into my eyes holding me there for many seconds and his sweet whisper, "I wuv you" and following it up with a kiss and pulling my head onto his shoulder in a hug. His little 2 year old body meant my head was the size of his chest but he just held me there, then pulled my face back to facing him and repeated "I wuv you" with more kisses.
Alma 30:44 "...all things denote there is a God..."
Amid all the turmoil in life I have felt so much love from my Savior. I have found that when I am still, and open my heart, I can see Him pouring blessings upon me, even in my darkest hour.
Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God..."
I find God in scripture, in music (not just Hymns and church-produced music either), in family, in finding the perfect parking spot, in a good meal, in kind words from friends, in therapy, in church, during my commute, in the community of Wopas that I have found.
Today I found God in the tender moment with my toddler where he, unsolicited, put his little hands firmly on the sides of my face and turned my face toward his, looked deep into my eyes holding me there for many seconds and his sweet whisper, "I wuv you" and following it up with a kiss and pulling my head onto his shoulder in a hug. His little 2 year old body meant my head was the size of his chest but he just held me there, then pulled my face back to facing him and repeated "I wuv you" with more kisses.
Alma 30:44 "...all things denote there is a God..."
Monday, June 22, 2015
Cautiously Optimistic - Recovery Efforts
The past 5 days:
Wednesday: Morning disclosure. He acted out twice the day before. I am so tired of this cycle. I'm so tired of this addiction. I am weary. He's still sleeping on the couch from our blow up two weeks prior. Staying on the couch.
Thursday: Therapy. He was taking lots of notes... hmm... We left and he says he wished he had a recorder because there is so much he wants to remember and so much work to do. What? He does a phone SA meeting That hasn't happened in forever, I guess therapy was good for him today. He tells me about the meeting. He is volunteering information that brings up his addiction outside of our weekly check-in, things are getting weird now. He gets mad at me for interrupting him and pouts like a child with his arms folded, shoulders tight, scowl apparent. He then storms out saying "I'm going to go call my contact!" and returns 20 minutes later with a complete attitude 180 and asks to help prep dinner Thank goodness for the mystery "contact"! I can't believe he only pouted for 5 minutes before seeking help.
Friday: We are having fun together. This is strange. He brings up other recovery/addiction related stuff and thoughts. We might be in a danger zone of actually talking about this for three days in a row - who is this man, what has he done with my predictable, avoid-happy husband? He calls his psuedo sponsor again this evening. He participates in another SA phone meeting. He comes back to bed that night, and I am not anxious or angry at all.
Saturday: We work well together to arrange our Saturday schedule with work, friends, obligations, chores. First Saturday in months that he doesn't just do his own thing leaving me with the kid nearly the whole day. He calls his pseudo sponsor again. I think I like him! Am I really flirting with him? So fun! I like this whole effort thing that he is trying on for size.
Sunday: It's father's day. I wake up to him participating in another SA phone meeting. He gets the kid ready for church. Church is good. He helps make dinner. He calls his pseudo sponsor. He has time to take a nap. I go upstairs after a couple hours and catch him watching "Helping Her Heal" for the first time, and taking notes. What on earth! On FATHER'S day he has given me a great day and has done tons to work on recovery. This man, whoever he is, is pretty awesome! I hope it sticks. I go to bed before him
Monday morning: He came to bed really late after playing video games. My happy bubble has been slightly punctured. I feel a twinge of detachment and fear. I am reminded that our recoveries are separate and that he has a long way to go.
I share this because I have never seen him take so much initiative in his own recovery. Ever. He is calling his friend every day, even on good days. I am choosing to life in this moment and enjoy and have hope rather than focusing on just how much work he has to do and that I am sure I haven't had my last disclosure. This is the mad I thought I had married all those years ago. He is kind and affectionate and helpful and super fun and funny. He is actually trying. This is what trying looks like. Although my actions haven't changed at all he is more open with me, more trusting, and has found good qualities in me. If this is what recovery looks like I am ALL IN. I am in love today. Who would have thought that I'd fall more and more in love because my husband has started calling someone I've never meet every evening - even putting off enjoyable activities to participate in his calls.
Wednesday: Morning disclosure. He acted out twice the day before. I am so tired of this cycle. I'm so tired of this addiction. I am weary. He's still sleeping on the couch from our blow up two weeks prior. Staying on the couch.
Thursday: Therapy. He was taking lots of notes... hmm... We left and he says he wished he had a recorder because there is so much he wants to remember and so much work to do. What? He does a phone SA meeting That hasn't happened in forever, I guess therapy was good for him today. He tells me about the meeting. He is volunteering information that brings up his addiction outside of our weekly check-in, things are getting weird now. He gets mad at me for interrupting him and pouts like a child with his arms folded, shoulders tight, scowl apparent. He then storms out saying "I'm going to go call my contact!" and returns 20 minutes later with a complete attitude 180 and asks to help prep dinner Thank goodness for the mystery "contact"! I can't believe he only pouted for 5 minutes before seeking help.
Friday: We are having fun together. This is strange. He brings up other recovery/addiction related stuff and thoughts. We might be in a danger zone of actually talking about this for three days in a row - who is this man, what has he done with my predictable, avoid-happy husband? He calls his psuedo sponsor again this evening. He participates in another SA phone meeting. He comes back to bed that night, and I am not anxious or angry at all.
Saturday: We work well together to arrange our Saturday schedule with work, friends, obligations, chores. First Saturday in months that he doesn't just do his own thing leaving me with the kid nearly the whole day. He calls his pseudo sponsor again. I think I like him! Am I really flirting with him? So fun! I like this whole effort thing that he is trying on for size.
Sunday: It's father's day. I wake up to him participating in another SA phone meeting. He gets the kid ready for church. Church is good. He helps make dinner. He calls his pseudo sponsor. He has time to take a nap. I go upstairs after a couple hours and catch him watching "Helping Her Heal" for the first time, and taking notes. What on earth! On FATHER'S day he has given me a great day and has done tons to work on recovery. This man, whoever he is, is pretty awesome! I hope it sticks. I go to bed before him
Monday morning: He came to bed really late after playing video games. My happy bubble has been slightly punctured. I feel a twinge of detachment and fear. I am reminded that our recoveries are separate and that he has a long way to go.
I share this because I have never seen him take so much initiative in his own recovery. Ever. He is calling his friend every day, even on good days. I am choosing to life in this moment and enjoy and have hope rather than focusing on just how much work he has to do and that I am sure I haven't had my last disclosure. This is the mad I thought I had married all those years ago. He is kind and affectionate and helpful and super fun and funny. He is actually trying. This is what trying looks like. Although my actions haven't changed at all he is more open with me, more trusting, and has found good qualities in me. If this is what recovery looks like I am ALL IN. I am in love today. Who would have thought that I'd fall more and more in love because my husband has started calling someone I've never meet every evening - even putting off enjoyable activities to participate in his calls.
Friday, May 22, 2015
Tender Mercy - My hurt was important to someone
Last time we left therapy I shared with B how it was good, but generally I don't find it helpful for me. We have, to this point, solely focused on B and his addiction. Don't get me wrong, I think that is incredibly important. I SHOULD be that way. But the consequence is that I don't talk or get talked to much.
I feel that I have a pretty solid foundation, and with the wonderful communities of WoPAs I am a part of online I have many resources to learn and grow and feel validated. I have been working on being okay with my bishop and my therapist not really getting my pain. I was told 1 (or 5) too many times to support B, so I had pretty much written them both off as potential support people for my own healing.
Yesterday we returned to therapy. Our therapist started by telling us there were a couple things he wanted to do with the time the first of which was talk to me alone. We were both kind of surprised but said okay. B stepped out after a few more minutes. Then our therapist told me he had been wanting to talk to me alone for a while to see how I am doing and give me an opportunity to fully express myself and what I am going through. He apologized that it hadn't happened sooner and said that he felt he needed to get B a few tools first because he was in dire need of them. (I agree with that). He also told me that earlier in the week he had attended a bishopric training and my bishop had spoken to him and told him that if I desired my own therapy session, separate from the couples session, that funding would be available to help me get it.
What the what!?
When my bishop asked recently how therapy was going I said it was going well, but I don't think the therapist totally understands what spouses go through and I don't talk much. I expressed that it really was going well and helpful so far despite this. The fact that he HEARD me, and went about being an instrument in the hands of the Lord to ensure that I got help in a way he couldn't offer is amazing. The fact that the therapist HEARD the bishop, and probably the spirit, and reached out to me is amazing. The fact that B was totally in support of the added session and the time taken yesterday for me during our session in amazing.
What I felt most was a warm embrace from my Savior and a reminder that I am loved, I am not forgotten, and I matter. My trial matters too, it need not be overshadowed by B's trial. It has been wonderful to feel the love from all three of these men as they followed the promptings of the spirit and shared my Savior's love for me. As WoPAs we band together and rise above and that has been such a huge support and probably the biggest factor in my healing. I will say though, having men (who have heretofore been either the cause of my pain, or just unable to understand or help at all) tell me my pain is important as well has been pretty darn great.
I feel that I have a pretty solid foundation, and with the wonderful communities of WoPAs I am a part of online I have many resources to learn and grow and feel validated. I have been working on being okay with my bishop and my therapist not really getting my pain. I was told 1 (or 5) too many times to support B, so I had pretty much written them both off as potential support people for my own healing.
Yesterday we returned to therapy. Our therapist started by telling us there were a couple things he wanted to do with the time the first of which was talk to me alone. We were both kind of surprised but said okay. B stepped out after a few more minutes. Then our therapist told me he had been wanting to talk to me alone for a while to see how I am doing and give me an opportunity to fully express myself and what I am going through. He apologized that it hadn't happened sooner and said that he felt he needed to get B a few tools first because he was in dire need of them. (I agree with that). He also told me that earlier in the week he had attended a bishopric training and my bishop had spoken to him and told him that if I desired my own therapy session, separate from the couples session, that funding would be available to help me get it.
What the what!?
When my bishop asked recently how therapy was going I said it was going well, but I don't think the therapist totally understands what spouses go through and I don't talk much. I expressed that it really was going well and helpful so far despite this. The fact that he HEARD me, and went about being an instrument in the hands of the Lord to ensure that I got help in a way he couldn't offer is amazing. The fact that the therapist HEARD the bishop, and probably the spirit, and reached out to me is amazing. The fact that B was totally in support of the added session and the time taken yesterday for me during our session in amazing.
What I felt most was a warm embrace from my Savior and a reminder that I am loved, I am not forgotten, and I matter. My trial matters too, it need not be overshadowed by B's trial. It has been wonderful to feel the love from all three of these men as they followed the promptings of the spirit and shared my Savior's love for me. As WoPAs we band together and rise above and that has been such a huge support and probably the biggest factor in my healing. I will say though, having men (who have heretofore been either the cause of my pain, or just unable to understand or help at all) tell me my pain is important as well has been pretty darn great.
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Music is a Tender Mercy
Music is so wonderful and can speak to my heart on days when nothing else can get through. Lately I'm LOVING Katy Perry's "Roar."
I'm so grateful for the wonderful women who have gone before me and are forging a path through this darkness that others can follow. There was a thread on a facebook community I'm a part of that gave song suggestions for WoPAs and it has helped me get through this week. I know I'll use the music as a part of my life for a long time to come so I'm just grateful today.
Thank you lady friends for sharing in your struggle, your ups and downs, your faith and doubts, your path that others may learn, feel validation, know they aren't alone, grow, and find their own path.
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