Shame vs. Guilt

I listened to the first two podcasts at the Connexions Classroom and loved them! Some of it was hard to hear because of how difficult things are at home right now but still good good stuff.

The second podcast is about Shame vs. Guilt and a few things stuck out to me:

Guilt is a motivator for me to change. Shame is a motivator for me to stay stuck.

I liked this because it helps give me another tool to identify shame in myself. I am familiar with some ways that shame manifests in my life (I think we all have some shame) by the "I am a bad person" thought process (for me the default shame mechanisms is tied to physical beauty standards - which are hog-wash). I hadn't really thought measuring shame by whether or not I feel stuck - but I have recently felt stuck and I thought this was good insight.

I felt stuck for over a week when I was trying to do something that didn't feel right but was upon the advice of my therapist. Thinking back I think I was trapped in shame because it wasn't working and I was thinking I must be a bad wife and a bad christian because this was his advice and it is failing miserably so I am doing it wrong. Now that I've let go of following that advice I feel free and unstuck and motivated and I think that is an indication of good!


Another thing that was shared:

When I do something that is in violation to what I believe or what I know to be right for me. I automatically, instinctively, feel bad so if I’m not willing to take responsibility and I want to blame or accuse or hide from it or make it less than it really was, it will move right into shame. If I choose to account for it and move into a proactive response around it and clean it up and make things right then it will stay in a place of remorse and guilt and regret and will motivate me to do something different.

What a great action item to help me stay out of shame!! TAKE RESPONSIBILITY!! There is so much I could say about how I wish my husband would do this - living with someone stuck in shame is a unique kind of hell. However, when I first heard it I thought of myself. In my patriarchal blessing I am instructed to repent daily. I've always pondered on that and I've never been very good at it. We are taught in church to repent often, even daily. Maybe THIS is what God intends when he tells us to repent all the time. Maybe it isn't about us being wicked but it is his guideline to help us stay out of shame and in a healthy pattern of taking responsibility when we feel guilt. Repenting every day is a loving commandment of a God who doesn't want us to stew or let things fester or have us sink down into shame but he wants us to acknowledge our faults, own our mistakes, and move onward and upward. He exhorts us to repents every day so we can feel the joy of a clean slate, of a pure heart, and be free of the chains of shame!

Sacrament Meeting Talk - Shame Busting!

This past Sunday the theme of the remarks in our sacrament meeting was "The Word of Wisdom."

One speaker who is new to the area got up and gave a great talk about the word of wisdom. He included that he struggled with drug and alcohol addiction as a teenager and young twenties and that although that is not longer a struggle for him, he struggles with pornography addiction and still attends the ARP meetings. He even gave a plug for them with the local time and location of the meeting. WHAT! In a congregation full of people he doesn't know but whom he will continue to see as he just moved here, he admitted to being an addict - to having more than one addiction! His delivery of this information and the other thoughts and insights he shared was humble, honest, transparent, and genuine. It wasn't the most profound talk or the most articulate or moving but I was moved simply by his humility. It was SHAME BUSTING! You go dude!

My husband, who has seen this guy at group and knew of his pornography addiction but not the drugs and alcohol, was grinning from ear to ear in happiness at the shame-busting nature of the words being spoken. He (hubs) took notes and said he gleaned a lot of good, applicable insights.

I'm sure there were people in the congregation who weren't pleased with the speaker's candor, but I was. Everyone I spoke to about the talk (about half a dozen people) were all pleased as well and loved his remarks and were refreshed by his honesty. Isn't that so great!

I know there is a long way to go, but little by little the shaming culture can be removed from our lives and replaced with an honest, understanding, genuine culture that knows nobody is perfect and we are all trying.

The talk included a great quote from President Uchtdorf:

"Don't judge me because I sin differently than you" (April 2012 General Conference)

One Big Step Back, Two Baby Steps Forward: Part I

A lot has happened this past weekend and I want to get it all written down for my own processing and healing. I'm going to do so in three posts - the first of which will discuss the ONE BIG STEP BACK. So this post will not be a happy one, but I still feel it is an important part of the story for myself.

A few nights ago B forgot to keep the commitment he made of watching the video Helping Her Heal with me that night. He had made that commitment earlier in the day – bringing it up and coming up with the time himself.

At the end of the night he asked what was wrong and I told him that he said he was going to watch that video. His apology was “I’m sorry but this and this and this came up, as you know, and I forgot so I need you to give me understanding” To me that is not an apology – he was making excuses instead of just owning that yes, I made a mistake, and I am sorry how can I make it up to you?

We argued for about 5 minutes and then I said I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. He was in victim mode and making the entire thing about himself and blaming me so I stuck to my own boundary of not continuing such a conversation and he stormed out of the room.

We slept apart.

The next morning before I left for work I asked if he wanted to talk about anything before I left. He said “You made me feel like a failure and a scum bag so no” I responded by telling him that I did not call names, I did not yell, I did not make him feel that way. If he is feeling shame that is on him and not on me. After a couple minutes of arguing I told him I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. He kept going. I got up to walk away and he followed me for the next 10 minutes as I got ready for work. He was yelling, cursing, and blaming me for everything. It was some of the worst verbal abuse I've experienced from him. Our toddler was pushing him and trying to protect me. I did not say anything except “I don’t want to talk” and “I just want this conversation to end” He then said he was going to watch the video now and went to the computer. I told him, forcefully, that he would not watch that video with our toddler around. He got up and continued yelling at me. It was my fault that our marriage is falling apart. It was my fault that he felt like crap. It was my fault that we don't get along. I was told that I am to blame for it all, his unhappiness, our unhappiness, parts of his addiction, all of it. At one point we ended up in the bedroom while I was getting ready. I was still not talking unless I was saying that I didn't want to talk anymore.  I tried leaving as he was still verbally and emotionally abusing me and he wouldn’t let me out. He wouldn’t let me out for what seemed like a lifetime but was probably more like a minute. I only said “Please let me out” and after the minute I panicked, my breath sped up and I yelled “JUST LET ME PASS!” at which point he let me pass – berating me the entire time.

I felt very scared for my safety when he trapped me in my own room. He physically stayed in my way. He's never hit me or shoved me but in that moment I was terrified that he might, especially if I tried to force my way past him. 

Just before I left I asked if he wanted me to take little man for 5 minutes so he could cool down and he started yelling again so I just left. He told me congratulations on traumatizing our son, that it was my fault that our little boy had now witnessed such ugliness.

That day was hard. I called a friend and sobbed. I called my dad, our bishop, and sobbed. I called our therapist and sobbed. They all told me the same thing, he was not allowed to cross that line and I needed to make it clear that this would never happen again. I was grateful for their reassurance of what I knew in my heart. At work that morning a friend asked if I was okay. I broke down into wracking sobs again. I was barely holding it together all day. Scratch that I wasn't holding it together all day, only for about 1 hour spurts.

I should mention when I was a teenager my first boyfriend shoved me down the stairs once. And after we broke up he trapped me in a car for 30+ minutes while he verbally and emotionally abused me. I believe this experience with B traumatized me so much because it brought the same fear and helplessness to my heart that I experienced as that 16 year old girl. 

That day, that B treated me this way, I was ready to tell him to move out of our room for good, or possibly out of our home. All day I found myself walking with my head facing down looking at the ground. My beautiful friend who was my first call had reminded me to not let him take away who I am. I am a strong, beautiful, smart woman and he doesn't get to treat me like that and I am not what he called me and I am not responsible for the things he blamed me for. Throughout the day I reminded myself to hold my head up high and push my shoulders back and walk tall. I AM a strong woman. I CAN stand up for myself. I DO NOT deserve the treatment I received and I DO have choices.

It was a bad day.

Detaching a Bit

This has been a pretty up and down past few days.

Wednesday night is check-in night. Thursday I found porn. Ironically I wasn't really snooping or trying to find anything. I feel that maybe this was the spirit guiding me to tell me something. The problem was that according to our current set up - he won't disclose that until this Wednesday! So, I can either confront him, which would be rather pointless because it is typical of him to look at porn every other week (right on freakin' schedule) or I can wait to see if he lies to me.

I chose the later, because it would tell me more than just confronting him I believe. So, now I know he's acted out. I'm extra off balance because this is only the third time I've actually SEEN any porn that he's forgotten to delete. Unfortunately, the next day I snooped when I know I shouldn't have in order to see if he'd caught himself and deleted the evidence. That sent me into a fear and anger spiral, like snooping always does when it is not instigated by a prompting. And now I'm trying to dig myself out of it.

Also, I am seriously ashamed of this (which means I need to get it out) I clicked on one of the two links. The thumbnail wasn't pornographic but the title indicated that is was porn. I clicked, and it started, and the volume was up, and I immediately regretted my decision and had a moment of terror as I was trying to turn it off and COULDN'T for a full five seconds because I don't use tablets ever. The sounds and images are burned in my mind and I'm into my fear, sadness, and anger even deeper because of my wrong choice. I am working on repenting of my actions, and surrendering my negative emotions, so I can be free from the chains that are binding me in my anger. It is tough work.

Amidst all this mess I'm still cohabiting with the person I know betrayed me again. It has made my blood boil even more watching the complete 180 in him since he acted out. Wednesday night he was in a pretty depressed state. Thursday night he seemed chipper, calm, patient, loving, affectionate and has been pretty much ever since. I guess life is better when you've properly numbed up all the negative with acting out in your addiction! The thing that gets me is if I hadn't found the porn I would probably have been all these things back to him and we might have even been sexually intimate.

So I've detached a lot this week. We are only having superficial conversations and I'm extra busy with cooking, cleaning, and I have been needing to go to bed early and been purposefully trying to not go to bed at the same time so I'm not asked for any extra curricular activities. I will say it is probably the most successful I've been at detaching and I just need to make it to Wednesday so that is good.

I have also tried to up my self-care by reading my scriptures more, reading a book I have been meaning to get to, long baths with essential oils, painting my nails, naps, and lots of play time with my little boy. Those have all helped me not go nutso this week. My plan to make it to Wednesday is simple - work long hours. Tonight I have a Bachelorette viewing party so I really don't need to spend any time with B and tomorrow night I can figure out something to keep us at a safe distance.

My plan for if he lies to me is to tell him, without specifics, that I know he isn't being truthful. If he continues to lie or goes into addict mode defensiveness or verbal abuse I'll step away from the conversation. If he lies at all I will be buying and installing spy-ware in order to know the extent of his lies. Luckily for me we have therapy the next day, and I have my first solo therapy session as well so I have help coming soon. I am also trying to muster up the courage to kick him out of our bedroom completely if he lies to me, for an undetermined amount of time. I honestly don't know if I have the courage and the self-confidence to do that, but I want to do it. We'll see.

Refreshing Honesty

Today B and I had a very real, honest, and open conversation about our sex life. It was so nice because I think we were both on the same page and chose our words carefully to try to fully express ourselves without going into any of the roles in the drama triangle. I feel that it was a baby step in the right direction. We've decided to have a sex fast for a while to get a break from the frustration and hurt that it has caused recently to both of us and to try and reset.

My favorite part of this experience is that he really opened up about what he has been feeling and what his perspective on recent circumstances have been. That afforded me the opportunity to do the same and we both saw how a lack of communication about the subject had made things worse. It made me cry because there was pent up hurt and emotion that was unlocked by his honesty and willingness to listen to my honesty. It felt good to let a few more things out and surrender a little bit more.

Another silly thing dawned on us - before marriage we stayed chaste by having rules and boundaries like many other couples have. The rules were meant to keep us from a situation where our resolve would be tested. The couple times we have tried to have a sex fast in marriage we didn't set up the same boundaries because we just assumed we could stick to our resolve I guess? Well, those didn't last long.

side note***I feel shame even writing that. I feel like having a sex life at all with a lust addict not in recovery is somehow betraying all of the other WoPAs out there. I feel like it means I shouldn't be allowed to be part of their(your) company because they(you) surely take all this so seriously that they(you) wouldn't do this to themselves(yourself) or partners and they(you) all have more self-respect than I do, or something like that. I feel it makes me seem weak to still have any kind of sex life before B is completely sober and in recovery. I feel it makes me part of the problem; If I just stopped having sex completely then I wouldn't feel used because I wouldn't be letting him use me and he would realize I was serious and get his bum in gear. If I just stopped having sex with him then we would be able to focus on everything else and I wouldn't be medicating him with his addiction and enabling him. These feelings of shame and blaming myself for his addiction are probably partly why a sex fast is a good idea.***

We are going to set up some additional boundaries for ourselves because we really do believe we need a period of abstinence to change up our patterns and reset our emotional connection. We have been, in the past month or two, using sex as a way to create an emotional connection rather than celebrate and deepen a strong emotional connection. Not healthy. I am 100% guilty of this too, not just B. When we started therapy and other boundaries got thrown out the window (another story, that I've shared some of in the past) I just kind of let them all go because I felt helpless and trampled on and unsure. Maybe re-figuring everything out is a good thing though. Now we are on the same page and the boundaries (at least these ones, not all of them) will actually be set together because his heart wants to have an emotional connection with me and is slowly seeing that that means sobriety and recovery needs to be worked on.

Welp, I felt the feels, or rather I exploded the feels all over the place

In my last post I talked about how I'd been numbing, avoiding, etc. but I knew I wasn't okay. I left it with a renewed goal of feeling the feels so that I could surrender them and move forward. Well, I did, kind of.

The problem with numbing, avoiding, ignoring is the feelings tend to get magnified. At least that is my experience. Or maybe the longer I numb the less capable I am at sorting through them in a healthy manner so my response becomes increasingly negative. Either way, it was ugly. I got upset. I went into hermit mode all day Saturday and most of Sunday. On Sunday afternoon I watched "Helping Her Heal" for the first time, by myself. Wowza. Talk about a giant flood of tears and emotion. It just shook all the pain out of where I had locked it up and it came pouring through my body. I was rocking back and forth, sobbing, collapsing in on myself physically. My body just could not hold the pain. Yeah, 2 hours of crazy, just me and my computer and my big bulky headphones, oh and tons of tissues.

Now the emotion wasn't locked in anymore so I had to figure out where to put it! Once little one was in bed my anger and frustration and hurt decided the addict in the home was a pretty damn good place to pour all my emotion onto. He was ill-prepared, because he is an addict not in recovery, to handle my hurt. We got into a fight about something super minor. Then it just went from there to not liking each others families (even though we do), and from there he went straight to the blame game. I responded with trying, in all the wrong ways, to get him to understand just how much I was hurting emotionally (read yelling, point, arguing, etc). He upped his game by pulling out his LDS family services manual and reading quotes from general authorities about why I was wrong (at this point our discussion was focusing on whether or not I am allowed to tell people my challenge without his consent and approval - I said I can, because the story is mine - He said that is super disrespectful and taking away his right to tell whom he deems fit). I upped my game by yelling louder about my rights, and what I need, and crying even more.

He upped the ante again with pulling in other circumstances where I have "disrespected" him. I upped it by pointing out the obvious, LOOKING AT PORN IS NOT RESPECTING ME EITHER. And by also bring in other circumstances - like how he'd gotten mad at me for buying a soda on Sunday because that isn't keeping the Sabbath. BTW - BUYING A SODA IS NOTHING COMPARED TO LOOKING AT PORN AND MASTURBATING TWICE ON EASTER SUNDAY. There may have been a few or a lot of curse words thrown his way too. That Easter dig was pretty much the trump card that broke the flood. I collapsed to the ground in a bucket of tears, all my anger spent, and just sorrow left. He just stared at me, I mean really, what do you say after that? He could even see the logic in that one.

So we sat, and I sobbed, and we just went quiet. And finally, my emotions were almost all out. I calmed down. After a while I had enough clarity to apologize for my bad behavior, the cursing and the below the belt digs. I asked him, what I could do to help him feel like I acknowledged his hurt at finding out I had told someone else about my challenge without changing my stance on my right to do so. He said there wasn't anything. And so we left it. And the entire situation just calmed down.

I guess I felt the feels. Now I have a cold from all the crying - swollen face and sinuses all freakin' week. I got triggered last night and stewed for today but brought it up tonight. He briefly resorted to anger but as I stayed calm and tried to express that I was just still feeling hurt he calmly listened to my hurt, let me cry some more, and didn't try to deflect any of it. Is it possible to be making progress even when there is only a week of sobriety, which I don't actually call sobriety?

My opportunity to surrender shameful feelings

I want to share an opportunity I had to surrender feelings of shame.

I am in graduate school. I recently failed an mid-term. I had tried my darndest, studied for over 20 hours, done everything I knew how. I still failed. It presented me with two options 1) Withdraw or 2)Stay in the class.

I was really struggling with what to do. I wrote a pro and con list for withdrawing.

Pros:
1) I don't risk getting a C or D on my transcript, which would lead to academic probation, and a more stressful next semester
2) More time is freed up to focus on my other classes, family, research, and other obligations
3) Save my GPA, which will lead to improved job opportunities after school

Con:
1) Everyone will know. The friends I've made are all in this class. There are only 7 in the class. It will be ALL TO OBVIOUS that I have withdrawn and why. *Read - "Everyone will know I'm stupid*
2) I'll have to take an extra class in a year

As I looked over my list the answer seemed obvious - Withdraw! It wouldn't hurt my job, my grades, my timeline, my family. It would improve my grades in fact, and my stress level. Why was I still having such a hard time deciding? The first reason is I was taught to NEVER quit. So, being a quitter is REALLY hard to do. I felt like if I withdraw I have failed. I have failed at school, I have failed my family, I have failed myself, I am stupid. I should be able to do this. I must be stupid, and I must not belong in this program if I have to withdraw from a class. SO MUCH SHAME.

After a day I named the shame. I recognized it as shame, which I know is not healthy. I did a stupid thing maybe, but I am not a stupid person. Yes, everyone would know, but if I am focused on my goal of  getting this degree to improve my family's situation in the long run then I need to definitely save my GPA, my sanity, and my energies by withdrawing. Shame, and the fear of everyone knowing my shame, is a very powerful motivator.

Elder Uchtdorf's talk about keeping it simple popped in to my head. I surrendered my shame. I told one good friend of my decision, of my grade on the test, and that I just don't have any more to give to this class and it will require a lot more so I need to withdraw. He was totally supportive. As was B and my family.

There is so much power in making decisions despite fear and shame instead of because of fear and shame. Fear and Shame aren't the boss of me!