The Picture from the Horrible Vacation

Image from blackdreamer.com

I say the vacation was horrible but it really wasn't. We had the opportunity to go to the Caribbean a couple years ago. The island was beautiful. The friends we were with were fun. The food was good. The water was clear. The beach was warm and clean. The sailing was spectacular. The snorkling was adventurous. But there was an undercurrent. That week I was hardly touched by my husband on our fabulous vacation. He was distant and closed-off and grumpy.

*Warning, this next paragraph could be super triggery - proceed with caution*

I knew in my heart what it was about. The beach, the sun, the ocean all afforded lots of opportunities to see beautiful, scantily-clad women. And when I say scantily clad I mean it - many of the beaches were topless-optional. Even the beach we were at the most which wasn't technically a top-less beach gave us a nice long look at two 20-somethings who weighed a buck-ten in their string bikini bottoms and bouncy, perky, naked boobs as they walked by slowly and turned around and walked by again. I'm SO sorry if that is triggery for you. It was my reality. So, it came as no surprise when B told me he was depressed because I didn't look that way and it made him feel distant from me and less loving toward me and why couldn't I just try harder. FACE-PALM. It should have been a GREAT vacation. One we will likely never be able to afford again. It was absolutely ruined by his addiction. The reason I'm thinking about it now is someone commented on a picture from that vacation on Facebook. The picture is in a beautiful setting with the sun-set behind us, palm trees, sand, and my husband's arm around me. We are both smiling at the camera.

Except, are we really smiling? There are no teeth in my husband's smile. And while mine looks fine when I saw it next to pictures where I am not in trauma mode it was OH SO CLEAR that I was unhappy and it was a forced smile. My eyes look sad. The corner's of my mouth aren't turned up quite as much. My shoulders are hanging. It brought tears to my eyes seeing that picture again and realizing just how sad I was in one of the most beautiful places I've ever been.

This is what makes me so angry when it comes to this addiction. So many things have been stolen from me. The fabulous vacation memories are stolen forever. I don't know that I'll ever go to a tropical island with my husband again. Seriously, never, ever. It was so traumatic. So potential vacations are stolen. Gosh darn I hate it when things are stolen from me.

As I think this though the following quote enters my mind. I remember when it was taught and it was said with great feeling - as I'm sure anyone who's heard Elder Holland teach can imagine:

"Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come." —Jeffrey R. Holland

I love this and I rely on it. All the things that are stolen from me are okay. Some blessings don't come until heaven, but they COME. I'm learning more and more to trust God, to rely on Him, and that He will bring me peace and happiness and hope ALWAYS.