Therapy today did not go super well

This post will probably be some word vomit as I don't have a particular thought to share but lots of feelings.

Today was couples therapy. It was rough. I had put a pin in something until we could discuss it at therapy so we did today. It was about boundaries and safety and 90% of the time was my husband talking very passionately about how he doesn't need to tell me anything, I judge him, he doesn't trust me, he won't tell me things until I have earned his trust (by not being hurt by his disclosures), and I don't respect him, and much more. It is very very hard to not interrupt and prove him wrong on all of his exaggerated accusations but I believe the therapist knows that my husband is viewing it all through an addict lense and the lense of very very very low self-esteem and very high co-dependency so I mostly just let them talk.

Thankfully on the way home we were driving separately. As I drove I sobbed and I screamed at him. It is not my job to fix him, it is not my job to be his soft place to land when he betrays me - he has a sponsor and a wide net of SA friends for this very purpose. I get to have expectations, they are very low, but I still get to have them. I have a right to share my story when I deem fit. This has happened 4 times, total, ever, by me, and he resents every single one of them still apparently because it came up today. It is his story and I stole it, don'tcha know? It is not my job to shield him from the consequences of his actions. It IS my job to work on my own healing. It is my job to set healthy boundaries for myself to protect myself from the addict that he won't protect me from. It IS my job to take care of myself. It IS my job to seek forgiveness even if it doesn't come with trusting him and even if we don't stay together. Forgiveness is for me, not for him.

I find it so ironic, all the things he said about me, when I could give it back to him 100 fold. He referenced how sharing my story was showing a lack of respect for him but it certainly seems like verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and infidelity in the form of pornography are not showing much respect for me. He claimed I told the whole world, it was four people.  In his eyes he is certainly the victim. Pretty sure I'm the one who has never sought out pornography. I'm the one who hasn't lied. I'm the one who hasn't used him as a sex toy.

Mostly I'm sad. He was doing really well for so long but he has, for a couple months, been pulling back and wanting to withhold more information and wanting me to "be over it" and "accept him". I'm just sad that I currently don't see a way out of the mess. So much trust has been broken. It really did damage when he told me that he has not been reporting on his seeking out of "soft core" videos and images - because I didn't need to know. We agreed over a year ago that he would disclose this information when I found a bunch a watched "dance" videos on his youtube account while he was purportedly sober. Apparently he changed his mind about what to disclose without telling me.

I am not interested in going backwards. I will not go back to a place of not knowing and ignoring and letting myself get trampled. I have no interest in a married without transparency.

In therapy the therapist asked if we could change the wording from "I expect transparency" to "We are working toward transparency" I said no. I expressed that "we are working toward" is too vague and he agreed that it gives room for justification and no accountability.

We are at an impasse where I don't trust him to tell me what I expect to be told in order to continue working on our marriage and he thinks that I am "stuck" and I need to change and he doesn't need to tell me, the work on our marriage is separate from his disclosures. Neither of us have budged in two months of this discussion.

He's sober and I'm more hurt

I can't remember how many times I've read on other WoPA's blogs that once their husbands got some sobriety and recovery their emotions seemed to be shaken loose and there was lots of trauma to work through. Could that be what is happening to me?

B is not quite 2 months sober and I would say is in recovery as well. He's working very hard and in general being the best version of himself, the one that I always knew was in there somewhere. I'm happy for him. I'm happy for us. I'm hopeful. The other day he even was telling me how hopeful HE is. Hopeful is not a word that he has used to describe his feelings much, if ever, in relation to this addiction.

I on the other hand have been struggling a lot lately. I've been feeling so, so hurt by so, so many things. There are the pregnancy triggers that I wrote about previously which are still very much there. B is not coming to bed at the same time as me and I can't sleep until he is in bed most nights. I fret and my imagination runs wild and I try to quell the fears but they are strong.

Then there is pinterest.

B is an artist. I've had a hard time in the past with us disagreeing about appropriate artwork, and how to study the human body for improving his craft vs. when he is lusting. He is open with the fact that he is trying to define his own boundaries in regards to this. A couple days ago he pinned something I thought was highly inappropriate, he apparently didn't agree since he pinned it, knowing it could be seen. On the same board there are other pins that I don't like due to overtly sexual tones. This particular board and many of these pins are particularly triggering to me because a year or so ago we fought over the content he was pinning. He promised to delete the offending pins. Over Christmas vacation I discovered he had not deleted them, he had in fact created a secret board and had moved the pins over, and continued pinning the same kind of things on the secret board. I think finding some more pins recently and seeing that some of the old ones weren't deleted has brought up all the feelings I had upon discovery of this board on vacation.

I'm feeling very hurt and sad and unloveable. I'm feeling very self conscious. Not only can I not live up to what porn-stars look like because I won't spend that kind of money on plastic surgery. I can't live up to what these hand drawn women look like because it is literally physically impossible. On top of that I won't live up to my personal best for a while because I'm pregnant and my body does not belong to me for the time being.

I believe it will take time, self-care, recovery work, and my Savior to heal my heart and I hope to just get out of my own way and let all these things work in my life.

Pregnant! Wowza - triggers!

Big new on the homefront. I'm pregnant! We are excited. I am not sick (yet). It is still pretty early, maybe 7 weeks. Last time I didn't get sick until around 8 weeks so we'll see. :) My last pregnancy was generally a good one. I was sick the entire time (except weeks 17-20) but I was so grateful to be pregnant after struggling with infertility that it really was GREAT!

There were some hurts I experienced during pregnancy and soon after baby boy was born that I thought I had worked through, but I am now thinking I had simply buried them. Since I found out a few weeks ago that I am pregnant I have really been on edge emotionally. All the emotions that I buried are flooding back.

See, I didn't start sticking up for myself and setting boundaries and demanding change until around 4 months after baby boy was born. So, the pregnancy was still in the full throws of dishonesty, vague answers, misleading, minimizing, and hiding behaviors by B. I knew he was looking at porn but I was ignoring it, and he was minimizing if I did bring it up, and I was ignoring my intuition. We were sexually active most of the pregnancy. A few times I was told that he didn't want to be physical because of how I looked. Ouch. And you know the six weeks after birth where sex is a no-no? Well, there were lots of favors asked of me to which I generally obliged. At the time I was just happy that he was finding me attractive again "because [my] waist was returning." Now, well, I feel like I was so incredibly used. I feel like I was blind and stupid for ignoring everything. I feel like I was just an object. I feel like I was only valued in accordance with my physical appearance.

When I started standing up for myself our marriage started getting worse. I'd heard that it gets better before it gets worse. Oh boy, does that ring true for us. We spent a year getting more distant, more volatile, and with me pulling more things out into the open. We started therapy a few months ago and stopped moving backwards and a month or so ago we even started moving forward.

I will say that for the last month B has been sober and very aggressively seeking recovery. Meetings, sponsors, contacts, phone calls, reading, studying, watching videos, the whole bit. He is doing pretty well and sticking to it so far and working on continuously being humble in response to my hurt. And maybe the added level of safety from him is allowing more emotions to come to the surface too.

Whatever the reason, the emotions are there and I am hurting and I am in pain and I am so so angry about all of it. It is so much easier to just keep him at arms length, keep my walls up, and not face the hurt. It is so deep. I don't know if I am ready to face it. I let one brick from my wall come down this morning and it was hard. We hugged for the first time all week.

Trauma is so real

Our last big step back really did a number on me and I am still recovering.

We were at the store together and had a blow-up over which bag of chips to get. Yes, you read that right. Which bag of chips led to yelling, and storming off. We connected toward the end of the shopping trip again and I told him I felt that he owed me an apology. He insisted that he in fact did not owe me an apology and it was all my fault. Then the TRAUMA took over. My heart started beating faster, my breathing sped up, my feet moved faster as I raced toward the check out so I could just GET OUT of dodge. I felt the trauma envelope my entire being. I hate that feeling.

Another time we had made some strides toward emotional intimacy. We were on our way toward physical intimacy. And the trauma took over again. I froze. Thankfully he responded with gentleness when I needed to stop. We went back to sleeping apart after that.

I was gone for several days and when I returned we were able to be kind. We even slept in the same bed again. I had been vulnerable again. The next morning there was no affection, no increased emotional intimacy. I felt let down, alone, and stupid. The trauma tried to rear it's ugly head again.

Last night we had some good conversation. I had been very triggered by something completely unrelated to my husband. He seemed to understand or at least attempt to understand that I was in a hard place and that I did not feel very connected because the trauma was very real still. In the middle of the night he tried to instigate sex. Um, NO. Clearly the understanding was feigned, or at least it didn't mean enough to him to actually put my feelings ahead of is middle of the night lust.

Amid all this I had a very tender, spiritual, and sacred experience at the temple on Saturday. It lifted me, it strengthened me, it taught me. It didn't really relate to addiction or my marriage, but to my relationship with my Savior. I have had joy this past week. Lots of it actually. None of it came from my spouse or my marriage. That is sad to me, but it is my truth right now.

I'm just waiting until therapy later this week to try to continue processing. I don't feel I have it in me to dig up the hurt again. Every few days it is brought up by other stuff and that is enough for me. The hurt is so deep, and so profound and I don't think I can let it fully wash over me right now in order to surrender. I'm scared of the hurt, of feeling the full brunt of it. I will get there eventually, but not right now. For today I'll stay on the surface and do other things that need to be done.

One Step Back, Two Baby Steps Forward: Part III

So, for the final baby step  of the big step back and two steps forward we go to The Lion King.

We watched it with our son and we both had moments, for very different reasons. I might talk more about what I found in it in another post. B was very touched by the part where Mufasa appears in the stars and reminds Simba who he is. See the scene below.

On Sunday we were discussing our days and B indicated he is on a spiritual high and that he feels he is on the cusp of a change in perspective about his worth. I think he is so close to believing he has individual worth, because it is his birthright. It is something that contradicts nearly everything he has been taught to believe about himself so that knowledge will not come easily. The adversary will be putting up a big fight in B's journey to that part of his testimony. I hope he gets there though. His baby steps toward that knowledge is encouraging because I really feel it would change a lot. It would give him hope where he previously hasn't had any because he has such incredibly low self-esteem and such a low sense of worth.

This makes me grateful for the Young Women values. I had lessons on individual worth all through my teenage years. I might not have let it all sink in, and I have had my struggles. But I had the vocabulary, I had the lessons in the back on my mind somewhere, I have the theme to fall back on. As I have found more of my own confidence in my recovery journey I have changed for the better. I have become less willing to have things in my life that detract from the spirit. I have found my voice more. I have hopes that as B works to discover his self-worth he will have some of the same benefits.

This is a hard place. After such a huge blow up, and the feelings of being unsafe and all the emotional and verbal abuse it is hard to be in a good space. His honesty in the past few days and his efforts to keep out the spiritual and to dig deeper into himself have been baby steps in the right direction. I feel that these are not fake moments, but I also know that the spiritual high will come down. The temptations will return. The long-practiced patterns of blaming, abusing will still be the default so there is lots of work to be done.

For now, I'm glad he seems to be really trying to do the work. I have said, in no uncertain terms, that I will not be physically trapped again. I will not be fearful for my safety. If there is a next time he will be moving out, because it is just not ok at all. We slept in the same bed last night but today we both agreed that it was too soon and we will be sleeping apart for at least another week. I still feel raw. I am so hurt and betrayed. I feel weak and afraid. I feel sad and abused. I feel calm and hopeful. None of it makes sense but I have decided to just have confidence in myself and my ability to just live in the moment. If the moment is hopeful I am giving myself permission to have hope. If the moment is happy I am giving myself permission to be happy with B. If the moment is sad then I have permission to just be sad. If the moment is raw and emotional then I give myself permission to be raw, to require space, to want hugs, to want distance, to express myself or to keep it to myself to stay safe. I just am allowed to feel whatever I feel and do whatever is right for that moment, for that day.

In this moment I have hope and I have very real trauma to work through and that is okay. I am a daughter of God and with that comes power to overcome this trauma.

One Step Back, Two Baby Steps Forward: Part II

The Big Step Back happened on a Thursday evening/Friday morning. This is a post about the first baby step forward.

Friday evening we tried to talk again. Saturday was full of family events and a double date that we had planned so we wanted to at least attempt to be able to have cordial conversation since we wouldn't be able to ignore each other.

It went semi-okay. Toward the end it got more tense as B tried to explain that he just wants the "issue" to be separate from our relationship and that he felt like I kept trying to mush them together. I told him that there isn't a separation because the "issue" directly affects our relationship and our relationship will not be fixed the "issue" is still there. He argued some more and eventually said something along the lines of "I just want to get past this and have a good marriage" and I said, VERY FIRMLY "Then STOP looking at porn" to which he shut down the conversation and said it was over.

I left.

I felt completely empty and alone and like there was nothing left. I went to my room, alone, and cried in the dark. I prayed and begged Heavenly Father for help with the hurt. The weight of all the times he's masturbated and viewed pornography and lusted after women real and pixelated was too much.

B heard me crying and came in. I wanted him there, to see the hurt, to make it better, but I wanted him gone, to leave me be, to not hurt me anymore. He stood in the doorway as I was crouching against the opposite wall.

He had a breakthrough. Thursday in therapy our therapist introduced the topic of co-dependency to us. I have a pretty solid understanding of what this is and have been working on my own codependency for a while but B had never heard of it. (I gave up trying to teach him stuff like this a while ago). B, in the doorway, told me that he feels like he needs to stop looking to me for his happiness and start finding another source. He said it was similar to an incident a couple years ago where he really did have an epiphany and change a big part of his behavior with his family. He felt the same about whatever was going on inside him in that moment. He saw the flawed system of being wholly dependent on me for his happiness - it wasn't working. I was proud of him in that moment. I was still totally injured and broken, but I saw a glimmer of hope in him that I have not seen before. Something stuck, in his heart, that could mean big things for him and for us.

For an addict to see and acknowledge such a flaw in himself was a step in the right direction. We still are sleeping apart, but there is hope.

One Big Step Back, Two Baby Steps Forward: Part I

A lot has happened this past weekend and I want to get it all written down for my own processing and healing. I'm going to do so in three posts - the first of which will discuss the ONE BIG STEP BACK. So this post will not be a happy one, but I still feel it is an important part of the story for myself.

A few nights ago B forgot to keep the commitment he made of watching the video Helping Her Heal with me that night. He had made that commitment earlier in the day – bringing it up and coming up with the time himself.

At the end of the night he asked what was wrong and I told him that he said he was going to watch that video. His apology was “I’m sorry but this and this and this came up, as you know, and I forgot so I need you to give me understanding” To me that is not an apology – he was making excuses instead of just owning that yes, I made a mistake, and I am sorry how can I make it up to you?

We argued for about 5 minutes and then I said I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. He was in victim mode and making the entire thing about himself and blaming me so I stuck to my own boundary of not continuing such a conversation and he stormed out of the room.

We slept apart.

The next morning before I left for work I asked if he wanted to talk about anything before I left. He said “You made me feel like a failure and a scum bag so no” I responded by telling him that I did not call names, I did not yell, I did not make him feel that way. If he is feeling shame that is on him and not on me. After a couple minutes of arguing I told him I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. He kept going. I got up to walk away and he followed me for the next 10 minutes as I got ready for work. He was yelling, cursing, and blaming me for everything. It was some of the worst verbal abuse I've experienced from him. Our toddler was pushing him and trying to protect me. I did not say anything except “I don’t want to talk” and “I just want this conversation to end” He then said he was going to watch the video now and went to the computer. I told him, forcefully, that he would not watch that video with our toddler around. He got up and continued yelling at me. It was my fault that our marriage is falling apart. It was my fault that he felt like crap. It was my fault that we don't get along. I was told that I am to blame for it all, his unhappiness, our unhappiness, parts of his addiction, all of it. At one point we ended up in the bedroom while I was getting ready. I was still not talking unless I was saying that I didn't want to talk anymore.  I tried leaving as he was still verbally and emotionally abusing me and he wouldn’t let me out. He wouldn’t let me out for what seemed like a lifetime but was probably more like a minute. I only said “Please let me out” and after the minute I panicked, my breath sped up and I yelled “JUST LET ME PASS!” at which point he let me pass – berating me the entire time.

I felt very scared for my safety when he trapped me in my own room. He physically stayed in my way. He's never hit me or shoved me but in that moment I was terrified that he might, especially if I tried to force my way past him. 

Just before I left I asked if he wanted me to take little man for 5 minutes so he could cool down and he started yelling again so I just left. He told me congratulations on traumatizing our son, that it was my fault that our little boy had now witnessed such ugliness.

That day was hard. I called a friend and sobbed. I called my dad, our bishop, and sobbed. I called our therapist and sobbed. They all told me the same thing, he was not allowed to cross that line and I needed to make it clear that this would never happen again. I was grateful for their reassurance of what I knew in my heart. At work that morning a friend asked if I was okay. I broke down into wracking sobs again. I was barely holding it together all day. Scratch that I wasn't holding it together all day, only for about 1 hour spurts.

I should mention when I was a teenager my first boyfriend shoved me down the stairs once. And after we broke up he trapped me in a car for 30+ minutes while he verbally and emotionally abused me. I believe this experience with B traumatized me so much because it brought the same fear and helplessness to my heart that I experienced as that 16 year old girl. 

That day, that B treated me this way, I was ready to tell him to move out of our room for good, or possibly out of our home. All day I found myself walking with my head facing down looking at the ground. My beautiful friend who was my first call had reminded me to not let him take away who I am. I am a strong, beautiful, smart woman and he doesn't get to treat me like that and I am not what he called me and I am not responsible for the things he blamed me for. Throughout the day I reminded myself to hold my head up high and push my shoulders back and walk tall. I AM a strong woman. I CAN stand up for myself. I DO NOT deserve the treatment I received and I DO have choices.

It was a bad day.

Detaching a Bit

This has been a pretty up and down past few days.

Wednesday night is check-in night. Thursday I found porn. Ironically I wasn't really snooping or trying to find anything. I feel that maybe this was the spirit guiding me to tell me something. The problem was that according to our current set up - he won't disclose that until this Wednesday! So, I can either confront him, which would be rather pointless because it is typical of him to look at porn every other week (right on freakin' schedule) or I can wait to see if he lies to me.

I chose the later, because it would tell me more than just confronting him I believe. So, now I know he's acted out. I'm extra off balance because this is only the third time I've actually SEEN any porn that he's forgotten to delete. Unfortunately, the next day I snooped when I know I shouldn't have in order to see if he'd caught himself and deleted the evidence. That sent me into a fear and anger spiral, like snooping always does when it is not instigated by a prompting. And now I'm trying to dig myself out of it.

Also, I am seriously ashamed of this (which means I need to get it out) I clicked on one of the two links. The thumbnail wasn't pornographic but the title indicated that is was porn. I clicked, and it started, and the volume was up, and I immediately regretted my decision and had a moment of terror as I was trying to turn it off and COULDN'T for a full five seconds because I don't use tablets ever. The sounds and images are burned in my mind and I'm into my fear, sadness, and anger even deeper because of my wrong choice. I am working on repenting of my actions, and surrendering my negative emotions, so I can be free from the chains that are binding me in my anger. It is tough work.

Amidst all this mess I'm still cohabiting with the person I know betrayed me again. It has made my blood boil even more watching the complete 180 in him since he acted out. Wednesday night he was in a pretty depressed state. Thursday night he seemed chipper, calm, patient, loving, affectionate and has been pretty much ever since. I guess life is better when you've properly numbed up all the negative with acting out in your addiction! The thing that gets me is if I hadn't found the porn I would probably have been all these things back to him and we might have even been sexually intimate.

So I've detached a lot this week. We are only having superficial conversations and I'm extra busy with cooking, cleaning, and I have been needing to go to bed early and been purposefully trying to not go to bed at the same time so I'm not asked for any extra curricular activities. I will say it is probably the most successful I've been at detaching and I just need to make it to Wednesday so that is good.

I have also tried to up my self-care by reading my scriptures more, reading a book I have been meaning to get to, long baths with essential oils, painting my nails, naps, and lots of play time with my little boy. Those have all helped me not go nutso this week. My plan to make it to Wednesday is simple - work long hours. Tonight I have a Bachelorette viewing party so I really don't need to spend any time with B and tomorrow night I can figure out something to keep us at a safe distance.

My plan for if he lies to me is to tell him, without specifics, that I know he isn't being truthful. If he continues to lie or goes into addict mode defensiveness or verbal abuse I'll step away from the conversation. If he lies at all I will be buying and installing spy-ware in order to know the extent of his lies. Luckily for me we have therapy the next day, and I have my first solo therapy session as well so I have help coming soon. I am also trying to muster up the courage to kick him out of our bedroom completely if he lies to me, for an undetermined amount of time. I honestly don't know if I have the courage and the self-confidence to do that, but I want to do it. We'll see.

Sometimes I can deal, sometimes I can't

Therapy has been helpful to us. I would say 6 weeks ago we were both seriously considering (but not admitting to each other) just leaving, or asking the other to leave. We've been in therapy a couple months and now we aren't there anymore, but the addiction is still super present. Weekly check-ins have been weekly disclosures. Typically once a week. I've been able to deal pretty well. I have been at peace, I have been able to not go to negative emotions, I have been able to appropriately (I hope) be loving and supportive but not condoning. He has worked hard to be the one to bring up the check-ins and volunteer the information. This has gone a long way to helping me have some peace. The lying is the WORST so when he volunteers information I know he would rather keep from me I know he is working on things in some small way.

A week ago the disclosure included a twice in one day, that day being Easter. Yikes. Threw me off balance a bit, but I thought I had it under control and was using my healing resources and steps. Then this week it was three days of acting out, in one week. While I was at home. I didn't yell, or shove (I have done both recently) but I also haven't let myself deal. I'm just numbing. I have too much, I have school, a wedding cake, a child, work, a loved one who just found out about her hubs addiction, cleaning, church service, etc. There is not room or time for me to process my emotions because if I let them come, they will pretty much knock me on my bum for a day or two.

So, I've been quiet. I've thought about it on my commutes, but I haven't let all the feelings come up. I'm squashing them with "you should just be fine" and "you've been feeling peace for several weeks, what did you do to cause yourself to lose that peace?" and "stop being so weak and fearful, you are stronger than that" and "he still told you, he went to group, what more can you possibly expect or want at this point?"

I feel lonely even when I know I am not alone. It still feels that way. We made a little progress last night when B let me express some feelings without getting defensive and then showed an increase in love. But then I could feel him shutting down, shutting it out. He didn't bring it up again, he played on his damn tablet while we watched a show, and he didn't saw "I love you" when we went to bed or when I left this morning. Duh, I can't rely on the addict to help me feel not alone. That was my bad, I should know I can't trust him to do that. It is great when he does, but not consistent.

I think I need to read through step one again, surrender. My mantra right now should be feel, and then surrender the feels so there is room for better feels to grow. Feel the feels and then surrender the feels... just how?

Good Advice / Bad Advice

We have a vacation coming up. I'm anxious about it because it is somewhere warm and vacation-y during spring break. Mostly, I'm anxious because the last time we were on a vacation together it was not good. It is a pretty bad memory actually. You can read a bit about it here. Anyway, I'm trying to figure out what to do to prepare myself spiritually and emotionally for potential triggers and for the potential that B will get triggered and pull away from me, behave badly, show his resentment toward me.

I want to discuss a little bit of the advice I've received - good and bad.

Good Advice: Affirmations!

I am safe.

I am in control of myself.

I am strong.

I am beautiful and my body is a gift.

I have more to say about affirmations... but that is for another time. I think they will help me stay grounded and focused. 

Bad Advice (for me, for right now): Go to B with my vulnerability to give him the opportunity to be compassionate.

This came from our therapist this week. So, just to clarify, I think this is probably great advice for couples with an addict further in his recovery, and a couple further in their marital recovery. However, we are neither. When we left therapy I was pretty upset but we drove home separately so I had some time to collect my thoughts. So far the advice in therapy has been geared toward B, which is good. However, it has also caused me to give up most of my boundaries to follow the advice we are given. Some things have been good, but I'm still trying to figure out my methods of finding safety. This week, I was advised to not bring up anything to do with our weekly discussion about pornography in order to give B the opportunity to practice his courage and come to me. What about when I need to talk about something? I previously found safety by speaking my truth when I felt like it and needed to do so. But then was told to only speak about anything related to pornography (and therefore my healing) once a week. That was HARD to agree to but we've been doing it. Now, I'm not even supposed to bring it up? I'm just supposed to let him be courageous? When he has proven that he is mostly not courageous?

Anyway, I was upset. When we got home B asked me what I thought of the session. I decided to test the waters - B and I were in a better place together than we have been in a couple months so I thought I'd see if he can be a safe place for my vulnerability. I shared that I was upset, that I felt like my tools are being taken away and I'm being dismissed. I shared that I am SO scared of what will happen on vacation. B clammed up, stopped looking at me, put his hands in his pockets and backed away from me physically, and got upset. It became about him, and how this made him feel, and how it is so hard for him. He then said we should just have our once a week meeting and disclosed two-days-in-a-row acting out this week. Then teh conversation was pretty much over.

So, my answer - B is NOT a safe place for my vulnerability. I want him to be, but he is not. So, that advice is not good for me for now. I will have to find another place to share myself and continue to try and be detached and superficial with my husband.

I'm disappointed. However, I am finding courage for myself in owning my reality and making the effort to try new advice and then making an informed decision about my safety. 

Trying Something New

I'm not sure how to fully understand or process so I'm going to word-vomit all over this post.

The other day B and I had a pretty big fight. Little things led to big anger. We ended up having a long discussion and were making progress toward at least being cordial but a sticking point came up. Basically, he is hopeless right now. As a result he feels that it is unfair of me to expect him to be free of pornography and masturbation at some point. He wants there to be room for him to try but never succeed in achieving sobriety and recovery. He is SO scared that he can't get there, that it will never happen. When I told him that I have the right to expect fidelity in my marriage he flew off the handle a bit. He doesn't like the language that labels his actions as unfaithful, cheating, not having fidelity, etc. He says that is shaming and belittling him, and maybe it is. I haven't decided. To me it seems like telling the truth and calling an apple and apple.

Anyway, we ended up talking to our bishop last night. It was hard. The conclusion was we will have an appointed time each week to discuss pornography, the act outs, the emotions, the triggers, etc. We won't discuss it outside of that time with each other. This came about because B feels like that has become all we ever talk about it is taking a toll on our relationship. He doesn't like me anymore, and barely loves me because that is all there is to our relationship and there needs to be more of what builds up a relationship. So, contrary to several of my boundaries I agreed to try a once a week check-in.

I just don't know how I feel about it. On one side it could be good. We have been pretty far apart and it hurts really badly knowing he doesn't find me "emotionally or mentally attractive" at all (not to mention physically). I have been crying myself to sleep more nights than I don't. A few days ago as I was sobbing uncontrollably on the bathroom floor (so I was close to the toilet, crying leads to coughing which leads to vomiting) I thought to myself, "This isn't you. You aren't someone who cries all the time. You are someone who can process her emotions and be logical. You are put-together, and strong. What has happened to you?" So, maybe my boundaries aren't working like I want them to work and I need to reset? Maybe I'm asking for too much information (although I only ask for disclosure, and I NEVER ask what it was, just what device and when). Maybe I really do just need to back up, back off, go to anyone else when I need to talk or have something I want to say. Maybe with space he'll like me again. Maybe with space he'll take care of his own crap?

Then again, maybe my boundaries are working. The times I cry are the times he makes it very clear he doesn't want me, at least not that day. The times I cry are the times I see, all too clearly, that he is in the grips of his addiction and not coming out of it any time soon. The times I cry aren't the times that I share something I learned with him, or the times I talk about the societal problem of pornography. The times I cry are the times I have no idea what is going on and whether or not I'm being used. Not being able to ask about what he has or hasn't viewed, or bring up my fears about what he has or hasn't viewed doesn't seem very productive to my emotional health.

I just have so much fear about this plan. I fear that I'll live in a constant state of worry. I fear that he'll act out and then come sleep next to me, or we'll be intimate when I wouldn't do that if I knew he'd just viewed pornography. I fear it won't change a damn thing about his addiction like he thinks it will but it will deplete me, and take me backwards in my recovery, and when it all comes out I'll feel that much more betrayed. I fear that in those weekly meetings he still won't be honest. I fear that he will tell me he acted out on such-and-such a day and I'll review the entire day after for signs, and I won't find them and I'll feel SO STUPID for not knowing. I fear that I'm enabling.

I fear that I'm letting him get away with it. I realize, that a lot of these fears are because it is forcing me to let go of the facade that I had any control in the first place. Because if I let my guard down, and abandon so many of these boundaries, and I don't talk about anything porn related ALL WEEK then surely he won't even think about trying to recover! If I am not bringing it up, he'll forget that it is bad and a problem that he needs to be working on! If I am not being open and honest with him at all times then he'll think I'm okay with it, when I am not okay with it, and he won't understand just how much he hurts me! - I know all of this is unhealthy and incorrect thinking, I think- It seems that I have been in some way passive aggressively trying to manipulate him into recovery? Maybe all this talk, while it has given me some peace, it has been a false peace, one that isn't based in him changing but in me asserting control of the situation that I really have no control over??

Maybe it is okay to not be so open with B about all this has done, and does to me. I fear anything that resembles hiding and secrecy SO MUCH. So NOT talking about whatever I am thinking or feeling feels like hiding and it makes me so anxious. I'm not supposed to talk about when I'm triggered by a commercial or pop-up. I'm not supposed to talk about this great article I read that taught me something about my recovery. I'm not supposed to talk about how I'm worried about raising a son in this day in age and when he'll be exposed to pornography. I'm not supposed to talk about being worried about my brother. But maybe I can and should find other people/methods for expressing all of this and B doesn't have to be my person? I fear that will take us farther apart, but maybe it won't, maybe it will allow room for us to grow together in the other stuff?

Maybe it is okay if he never understands how much he has hurt me. (This actually scares me a lot. The idea that he can cause SO MUCH hurt, and not understand how much hurt he caused, seems so wrong to me and that scares me) Maybe it is enough that my Savior DOES understand how much I am hurt, have been hurt, and have tried to get over the hurt. The Savior does understand that B is lying to himself when he believes the harm is done by telling me, rather than by the action itself. The Savior won't let him "get away with it" and eventually B will be held accountable for his sins. We are expected to do our best. And maybe with the hand B has been dealt this has been his best. I have hope that there is better in the future, but maybe, just maybe, for now it has been his best with whatever emotional trauma he is hiding under all this addiction. Maybe this new arrangement will force me to dig even deeper for a relationship with my Savior and a release from the bondage of the devil - that bondage being fear. This will grow my patience, and long-suffering, and unconditional love even more perhaps. Perhaps as I strive to remain safe, and healthy emotionally and spiritually without the methods I have been employing I will gain a greater understanding of the gospel, of charity, and of my purpose.

I don't know. There are lots of maybes and question marks in this post. I'm still processing. Any advice from you all would be great. Maybe I'll figure it out. Maybe now that I got all this down I'll be able to focus on my homework.

This time the "off" feeling was definitely me

Last night I was feeling, or beginning to feel lots of negative emotions. I was sure B is not being truthful, I was angry at him for that, I was sad, I was lonely... the list goes on. I was not where I wanted to be emotionally or spiritually. I was wasting time on my computer, B was behind me working on his. The emotions were getting stronger. I became frustrated that the good week we've been having might come to an end. Gah - just stop you stupid brain!! Just shut up and let me be still!!

Then I remembered the story Rhyll Croshaw shares about knowing something was off and first checking herself to see if it was her before she asked her husband about what was up. So, I went through my day in my head. Wow, it was a triggerful day!

There was an old movie (I'm talking black and white) on and I DESPISED the main guy. As part of that time period I guess he got away with TOTALLY forcing himself into her (the main girl's) apartment, forcing kisses on her, being a TOTAL TOOL, and in the end she still chose him over the respectable, kind, gentle man who also wanted her. Seriously, I didn't watch the entire thing but it was on while I was in and out.

This is the total tool after he stood up the girl who still chose him.  Yeah, those flowers - from the OTHER guy and Mr. Tool just took oen and put it in his lapel. Maybe my anger is too strong since it is a fictional character from a 70 year old movie, but still, I really really dislike this guy. Also, did I mention there was a chorus line, and she was the lead chorus girl? The gentlemen's club for high society 1940's equivalent that was apparently totally fine and acceptable? Gah, stupid movie. The movie is "A Yank in the R.A.F." just so you know never to watch it.

There were some sexualized commercials. There were some tasteless jokes by my brother. There was the evening before where B and my brother had been as a sporting event and my brother came home talking about how great it was to see all the scantily clad girl athletes. Then it ended with The Bachelor. This episode one of the big moments was one of the final four women telling Chris about her posing for playboy, and making a video for playboy, and then it showed them looking at the pictures and watching the video together in a crummy hotel room. SO AWKWARD. Dim blue light from laptop screen on faces, crappy music from the video, and Chris giggling awkwardly.

So, in review, my day was full of things that grated against my soul and heart as just wrong. It was a miracle I hadn't cracked earlier in the day! I realized that maybe it wasn't B this time. Maybe me feeling off was ME and not him and I needed to get myself together. It is always hard to convince myself to do things to change my mood when I want to just sit and fester and be angry with B. It is so much easier to blame someone else for our bad behavior or moods. But alas, I knew it wasn't him this time. As I continued wasting time on pinterest there were about 5 quotes/affirmations in a row that said something to the effect of we can choose our actions, we need to choose the Lord, make Him our anchor, stuff like that. Message received - I need to up my spiritual game for the evening to get out of this mess.

So I read my scriptures. It wasn't super enlightening. I read them with a little bit of angst and boredom to be honest. But I did it. I read them, and after one chapter I didn't feel any better so I kept reading. After a few more chapters I began to see a light at the end of the tunnel. B informed me he was staying up late to work, which scared me and caused some anxiety but I didn't trust myself to handle a conversation about that very well. So I said a prayer and went to bed.

This morning I woke up and my heart is lighter. I was rejuvenated and have been very productive. It worked. I started experiencing negative emotions, I assessed the cause, saw that it was me, and although I didn't feel like it I reached out for the gospel. I reached for my Savior's hand as I was falling into the water weighed down by my fear. He caught me. He will always catch me. 

Implementing Boundaries and The Principle of Reaping What You Sow

My last post was pretty down. I was pretty down. It was therapeutic to get it all out. I want to feel safe. I realized during the day that partly what I had done was not stick to my boundaries when the most recent lie came out. I immediately started trying to make him feel better at the expense of my own sanity. I held on for a couple days but the trauma magnified and I became lost. I lost my footing, my path, and my sanity.

There was some pretty intense praying yesterday and lots of digging deep. If I had neglected my boundaries I really needed to put some in place now to reestablish my safety zone (emotionally speaking). All the way home on my commute I was contemplating what to say to B. I decided on 2 important things - there needed to be a physical separation of sleeping apart for a time in order for me to heal more fully from my most recent betrayal and there needed to be a halt on all sex until I could trust him again.

This second one was big for me folks. It is SO OBVIOUS and everyone knows that trust must be earned back once it has been broken. We all know this. When someone shows you who they are, believe them right?  B had showed me over the past couple months he was not capable of being completely truthful where his addiction is concerned. So, why, OH WHY did I keep trusting him? After each find I would take a couple days and then just trust him again. I would believe that I finally had the whole truth, and now I must really know everything. Two weeks go by and BAM, something else, on now I must really know EVERYTHING. Trust. Time. BAM - MORE HIDDEN THINGS UNCOVERED.

Well, I've lost count but maybe this time is the charm. I actually gave myself permission on the way home to NOT trust him when it comes to the addiction. I long ago stopped believing he was not going to look at porn again but for some reason I kept believing he was telling me the full extent of his addiction. I don't know why, rose colored glasses? I never gave myself permission to not trust him because I was scared that not trusting meant something dreadful. It might mean the marriage is over, or trust could never be regained, or that it is worse than I can even know. I was scared that not trusting him made me a bad wife. I wasn't giving him the benefit of the doubt or being charitable. I give myself permission to NOT trust him. I give him permission to EARN my trust back rather than have it handed to him. I told him that he must earn my trust back if he wants it. I told him sex was off the table until that point. I told him we are sleeping apart for a week for me to continue to heal from the betrayal of the lies. It didn't go well, but it could have gone worse. He reacted like an addict, who has been caught, and who doesn't want to face his own reality. This is fine, because that is the place he is in and I can't really expect more than that.

Then something wonderful happened - I felt the burden I'd been carrying around for the past while lift off my shoulders and I could almost see it land on him. The burden of trust is on the person with whom it belongs. If he behaves in a trustworthy manner I will give him my trust back, but not before he has shown efforts in behaving that way.

I know this addiction is SO MUCH for the addict. It is also SO MUCH for the spouse. I feel like he is constantly piling crap on me that I have to sort through and dig out of and clean up from (I LOVE Harriet's post about this imagery). Well, yesterday I got out of the pile and shoved ALL THAT SHIT right back on him. It is his mess to deal with, he has to deal with it. I'm doing neither of us any favors by trying to take some of his crap on myself and get buried by it. It just seemed like I was finally getting out of the way of the principle of reaping what you sow. It felt good.

The other miracle? When I got out of the way and put all that crap back on him it freed me from the chains of despair, bitterness, blame, anger, confusion, and frustration that were tying me down with much more force than I realized. (*mote and beam people*) I was so consumed I couldn't see which way was up and I didn't even know it. I was finally able to see B, and know that I had just piled a bunch of crap on him, and love him and want him to find his way out, but NOT want to rescue him from it. I was able to love him more fully and clearly because I wasn't trying to sort through stuff that wasn't mine. My negative feelings toward him dissipated completely because I finally had done what I had been directed to do for myself by the Savior and was filled with His peace and love.

I'm not saying I'm perfect and I know I won't be able to stay here forever, but I just wanted to write about it. In this moment I an content. My marriage is on the brink of disaster, my husband is in full fledged addict mode and I'm not sure if he can dig himself out any time soon, I still have that daggum rash, but I have peace. I have the companionship of the spirit of the Lord and it is sweet, and kind, and I am not alone.

I Want To Feel Safe

About a week ago I discovered another lie of deliberate omission by my husband. It was the most recent in a round of one ever few weeks since maybe mid-November. I've lost count I just know that for a few months now, for the first time in our marriage, I've actually caught lies. For a while I was okay getting over them in a decent amount of time. Then I started questioning why I'm finding so many. I still believe maybe the Lord saw fit that it was time I knew a little more of the truth.

For the last week I've been trying the "fake it til you make it" route on trusting B. I thought that if I could just move on and act like I trust him and force myself to believe him then I would and I'd be able to skip on the trauma mode portion of the cycle. I've not done a good job. I have asked EVERY SINGLE day if he's looked at anything, which is WAY out of my norm. I usually don't ask, I expect him to tell me. And the asking isn't helping because when he says "No" I immediately think, "Yeah, right, you're lying, asshole."

Turns out you can't force trust. Turns out this lie might have been the straw that broke the camel's back as far as some serious boundary considering. I'm considering having him move out of the bedroom. I've implemented a couple nights apart plenty of times for acting out and lying. I've never actually made it a quasi-permanent situation. I'm not sure if I want to. It is the boundary I first thought of when this happened a week ago but I have been going back and forth because I don't know if it is because that would make me feel more safe or I want to punish him.

I want to feel safe. I also want to punish him. In the moment I want him to hurt like I do. I want him to FEEL. I want to break him like has broken me. I want him to see all my worth and know that he's nearly lost me. I want him to actually CARE about something more than pornography. I want him to actually get his work done and help support us financially in the way he is supposed to be doing. I want him to ask me on a damn date. I want him to fall over himself making it up to me. I want him to go to meetings, and read books, and do the steps. And therein lies my problem. Aside from the first one, all these things are for HIM to do and I can't force HIM to do anything. 

So, back to the first one. I want to feel safe. How do I feel safe if I can't trust my spouse to simply tell the truth. There have been so many times he assured me I know everything. The lies that I've uncovered so far haven't been things worse in nature than what I already knew. In fact they are all a little less bad in nature but they are still acting in his addiction and they were all kept from me because "they aren't all the way acting out." So the women weren't FULLY nude. Or it was just "dancing." Or, it is "reference" for his art. Or I wasn't told because it is "better" that he didn't hurt me so much by telling me.

I need to take control of my life back from this stupid addiction. I want to feel safe. But how?

And then there were two - addicts in the house

We are living with my parents while I am in graduate school. My teenage brother is still at home too. Last Thursday B acted out - and I crashed and burned in response because I didn't stay in a safe place long enough (see my last post). Then on Saturday morning I discovered that my brother most likely has the same addiction. My toddler got on his phone internet (thankfully NOT anything inappropriate) but I just felt like clicking over to the history so I did. For the last month 95% of the sites visited were pornography and there were dozens and dozens of sites.

I can see now that I immediately numbed. I went into busy mode of tasks: 1) search for help for parents, 2) tell my parents, separately because my dad knows about B and my mom doesn't so it would be a different kind of conversation, 3) send resources to parents 4) comfort my mother 5) work in the afternoon. I stayed calm throughout the day and even into Sunday morning. B was still distant and unsupportive and involved in his own thoughts. I got home from church and felt my numbness starting to crumble even though I really did NOT want it to crumble. I found myself super curious about when my parents would talk to my brother and what they would say and what he would say and I wanted to tell him I loved him but I also wanted to through his phone across the room and then take a hammer to it. I wanted to hug him and support him and I wanted to kick his shins, and yell, and call out every single lie my parents were going to buy. I was sure he would lie because that is what addicts do and that is what he has been known to do. I was sure my parents were going to believe them because while they aren't stupid they also aren't versed in addiction. I wanted to scream and cry and break things so badly but I just sat, I had dinner, visited, cleaned. I played with my son.

At one point I knew my parents had talked to my brother but when they were done he seemed happy. He was chipper and energetic and just talking about his plans for the evening and making jokes. This was certainly not the behavior of someone who had just fully confessed his deepest darkest secrets to his parents. This was not the behavior of someone preparing to make huge adjustments in his life. This was not the behavior of someone who had faced the truth of his problem. This was the behavior of my brother, making light of things, and business has usual. I cautiously asked my parents how it went and only got a "good" and "he said what I expected." I know they are now keeping it between them and my brother. That is fine. Just because I discovered it doesn't mean I need to be involved in anything else. If I am honest with myself it is BETTER that I'm not involved with anything else. In the moment when it became clear I was being cut off from any information the last of my numbness crumbled.

I am hurt. I am hurt by my husband's actions. I'm hurt more by his inability to empathize, or think of me, or support me, or even spend a few minutes helping me. I'm feeling lonely and surrounded by filth knowing that two of the three men in my house are regularly viewing smut. I'm feeling lonely because I can't help my mom and share all that I have learned because she doesn't know why I would know anything about this addiction. I'm fearful that nothing will change. Both B and my brother will continue to harm themselves and their loved ones by selfishly indulging in their compulsions and not seeking help. I'm overwhelmed.

Last night I was feeling all this yuck and when I was visiting with B while he had a video game on he asked me how I was doing. He didn't even look at me or turn off the game so I knew it wasn't safe to truly share with him. So I told him I didn't think I wanted to talk about. To his credit after a few moments he turned off the game and came and found me. He wasn't very excited about it, and he definitely gave the strong vibe he was asking out of obligation instead of true concern but I took his actions as a message that I could share. So I did, and I ugly cried, and I spilled my heart. He held my hand, and said he was sorry for the pain. And then while I kept talking (mind you, it had barely been 10 minutes), he fell asleep. I stopped talking, and a few minutes later he opened his eyes and said, "What was that?" CLEARLY he was not actually a safe space right now. I clammed up and made light and excused myself to bed. He chose to stay up and play more video games.

TRIGGER!!! Seriously, he can't stay awake for ten minutes of me being my most vulnerable and in need but as soon as I'm done he will stay awake to play video games. I cried myself to sleep for the second night in a row. The thing that gets me the most is just how selfish this addiction makes people. They cannot see past themselves.

On my way to work today I heart the Carrie Underwood song "Something In the Water" which I love. If you haven't listened to it, please do. It reminded me that my Savior is still there, waiting for me to ask for help. And while I'll still hurt, he can help me move to a place of peace and acceptance and eternal perspective. And he will listen, and stay awake for as long as I need to talk to Him. In this moment I just realized that He gets that feeling because his disciples fell asleep when He needed them most too. He understands.

Matthew 26: 36-44:

 36 Then cometh Jesus with them unto a place called Gethsemane, and saith unto the disciples, Sit ye here, while I go and pray yonder.

 37 And he took with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, andbegan to be sorrowful and very heavy.

 38 Then saith he unto them, My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death: tarry ye here, and watch with me.

 39 And he went a little further, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.

 40 And he cometh unto the disciples, and findeth them asleep, and saith unto Peter, What, could ye not watch with me one hour?

 41 Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.

 42 He went away again the second time, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if this cup may not pass away from me, except I drink it, thy will be done.

 43 And he came and found them asleep again: for their eyes were heavy.

 44 And he left them, and went away again, and prayed the third time, saying the same words. 

The Savior can help us no matter our pain, and we are never alone unless we choose to be alone.

Step Two: Emotional Healing (Surrendering my Fears)

Fear is so powerful. When I am feeling fearful I can hardly focus on anything else. I become immobilized. There is still a lot I fear, especially where this addiction is concerned. 

I am afraid that I will need to leave B at some point.

I am afraid that B will leave me.

I am afraid that we'll make it through this life but we won't be able to be together in the next.

I am afraid of how this addiction will affect my son.

I am afraid that B will never be sober or overcome his addiction.

I am afraid of the addiction escalating to more than it is now.

So, what will happen if some of all of these things come true? In the scriptures Job says:

Job 3:25 "For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me"

And you know what, he survived. He has now become a shining example of faith and perseverance and trust in God. The thing which he GREATLY FEARED happened. And he was okay. Even if all the things on my list happen, I know that I will be okay because the Savior is on my side and has gone before me. 

One of my best friends had to leave a marriage filled with this lust addiction, infidelity, emotional abuse, and physical abuse. When she got married it was in the temple, full of hope, and love, and trust. I daresay that some of her greatest fears were similar to the ones I've listed and she had to live them and so much more. And I watched it shake her to the very core. It shook her self-esteem, her testimony, her trust in herself, her emotional well-being. But then I watched her overcome. I watched her choose to rely on the Savior even when she wasn't sure if it would help. I watched her choose to go to church when people were judging her divorce. I watched her learn to love again and trust again with the Savior's help. The world is chalk-full of stories of people who have faced their greatest fears and who have SURVIVED and even THRIVED. 

If I leave B, or if B leaves me, or if our son has emotional scars, or if B is never sober, or he does other things that hurt me, I will SURVIVE and I will THRIVE because Heavenly Father has a plan for me and that includes sending His Son to die for me so that I can survive and thrive. My Savior understands, and He knows, and He will help to heal me, to put me back together, and to make me whole should I have to face my fears. 

Processing Negative Emotions - Satan is tricky tricky

A few days ago I was at work, and I was being super productive. At some point during the day I knew, in my gut, that something was up. I went home after work and while I was preparing dinner I asked B about it. He told me he'd acted out that day. (One Point GUT) I numbed with busy for a few hours because I didn't want to feel the hurt, the crazy, the anger. Later B calmly remind me of our commitment to be kind and patient and can I just do that for him because it is so much harder for him to be happy and not feel judged and worthless if I am not being kind and patient.

Now, my definition of kind and patient in this scenario varies WIDELY from his. I believe he was referring to wanting me to be "normal" and while he would respect my boundary of sleeping apart for a while he wanted everything to proceed as normal, no emotional distance, or sadness, or visible signs of the negative emotions I would be experiencing. He didn't say these things but based on our history that is what I believe he meant. This threw me for a bit and when I brought the topic up the next day it did NOT go well.

There are some things this has helped me realize (again). When my husband checks out and my addict husband checks in all logic and truth goes out the window. It isn't done maliciously I believe, but he truly is in Satan's grasp and Satan is trying to keep him there and bring me down to join him. The co-dependency comes out (thus his needing ME to be a certain way in order to be happy), the blame comes out, the defiance comes out, and the irrational, false, logic is in full display. And Satan is smart. He knows that I would have no problem dismissing things like name calling and yelling as addict behavior and wrong. He knows that I no longer buy into the lie that I'm not good enough physically for my husband to be sober. He also knows that I am trying to walk the fine line of being true to myself, to the gospel, and be Christ-like and show compassion. And that line is pretty blurry for me sometimes. So in hind-sight it is no surprise that B tried to convince me that the Christ-like behaviors of kindness and patience looked differently that I thought and I needed to work on those. Sneaky sneaky Satan. I grappled with it for a couple days - What is kindness in this case? What constitutes patience? (Still a little blurry, but not as blurry as two days ago)

Now, Satan's attack wasn't just one punch, he had a left-right hook going on because the thing that triggers fear in me more than anything else is any mention of secret keeping. Nearly every time B discloses he talks about how telling me things just hurts me so he really is thinking he shouldn't tell me this or that or it is so unnecessary for me to ask. I'll insist on transparency and he suddenly goes from "rescuer" of my hurt feelings to "victim" of my demand (Hello drama triangle, my old companion). This time was no exception. That is when the numb stopped working, the tears got close to the surface and I felt myself shutting the conversation down because addict husband is not a safe person to be vulnerable with.

Then came the negative emotions. They stayed all of Tuesday. In fact Tuesday was pretty darn awful because I got some bad news about a  loved one's health and I couldn't turn to B because of all the negative emotions. It brought me back to my worst, most traumatic D-day where I was really really needing B and just got home and called him for support I opened our laptop and saw dozens of windows of pornography open. He had betrayed me when I needed him most. And Tuesday felt much the same. I knew from my step-work and experience that I was experiencing negative emotions and that there was a way for me to feel whole and happy again. I knew it would pass, but it just hurt so bad. I processed. I called a friend and let her in on the very surface of my feelings. I texted another friend and just expressed my loneliness. I read my scriptures. I posted a question on a forum I participate in. By Wednesday morning I was ready to open up to B and show him my hurt so I could begin to be vulnerable with him again. It was hard, and ugly, and lots of tears.

I'm still not back to normal. I have the emotional hang-over that typically follows trying to process so much negative emotion at once. The would is gaping open but I've cleaned out the gunk of negative emotion and will now work on bandaging with healthy thoughts, gospel truths, addiction and betrayal trauma knowledge, and most importantly the atonement. Satan got to me for a couple days but he couldn't hold me. I never want to let him hold me for long. Our Savior's embrace is a much better place to be. (The song below is titled "In His Embrace" from EFY and it seems appropriate)

 

Step One - Part 4

This post is part of my step work through the "Healing Through Christ Manual" in which I answer the questions presented at the end of each step to work my way through what was taught. The "Healing Through Christ" manual can be downloaded for free at healingthroughchrist.org.

RECOGNIZING UNHEALTHY BEHAVIORS

Step One Inventory

1. Do I focus mainly on the problems of my addicted loved one and allow this focus to consume my life? Do I allow their problems to prevent me from living a happy and productive life and from loving and interacting with family members and friends?

Some days the problems of my addicted loved one consume my life. Mostly I would say no though. Having an addicted loved one in the first place can feel consuming but I still actively love and interact with family members and loved ones generally. I would say 80/20 on this one. It does happen sometimes but not most of the time.

2. Have I been in denial over the seriousness of my loved ones' addiction? Describe the thoughts and emotions that encouraged my feelings of denial.

I am not currently in denial but I was for several years. I ignored what was happening, "even when it [was] right before [my] eyes." I did this until I was ready to face the truth. This week I contemplated going back to that place - it seemed easier somehow. But I know it is unhealthy, and it ate away at me, so I can't go back.

3. Have I enabled my addicted loved one? What was the result?

Yes, I believe I have because I shielded him from consequences. I didn't have any boundaries and let myself be treated as a doormat. I let myself be used as a lust hit. I pretended what he is doing had no effect on me or our family. It does have an effect. The result was nice for him I believe - he has referenced going back to that time when I was actively ignoring because he felt like I wasn't hurt as much, which he prefers. However, it was still hurting I just wasn't as vocal about it and I wasn't dealing in a healthy manner. What it didn't do was change him at all - he still acted out the entire time. I'm guessing it was every week or two. I can't control it.

4. Have I used persecuting behaviors to try to stop my loved ones' addiction? What was the outcome? Do I feel responsible for their recovery?

Yes, I have. I have made sure to let him know how hurt I am thinking his guilt and shame will make him stop. That didn't work. I have given him the silent treatment. That didn't work. I have thrown information about addiction and recovery at him. That didn't work. I've tried to control. The part of the handbook that says "it doesn't matter if we could help them if only they'd listen to and cooperate with us" really struck me. I COULD help if only he would listen!! But that doesn't matter because I can't control him, or his willingness to listen, or seek or want help. I can't control whether or not he even has a desire to change.

5. Do I feel I am a victim as a result of my loved ones' addiction? Do I suffer from feelings of guilt or shame? How have I suffered because I blamed myself for my loved ones' addiction?

Yes, I have felt and feel a victim as a result of my loved ones' addiction. I'm not sure how to not feel that way. He is doing all of these things. The addiction makes him irritable, quick to anger, and selfish and it is a form of adultery. I am being cheated on every 3 weeks. I don't know how to not feel like I am a victim of that. It feels like if I say I am not a victim, then I am saying his behaviors are acceptable and okay and I'm just the one with the problem. I know he is not doing these things too me but they are affected me. I am being cheated on, repeatedly, over and over and over. Clearly, this is one negative emotion I need to work on. I don't blame myself anymore - I did for a little while early on, but I don't now.

6. Have I tried to change my appearance through starvation or cosmetic surgical procedures in an effort to stop my loved ones' sexual addiction. Have I become anorexic?

My resolution to change my appearance for him never lasts more than a day because something I now know is that I am beautiful by the definition of my Savior and that is enough for me. I struggled with bulimic tendencies briefly in college and briefly after I was married and facing the truth of having an addicted loved one but now my testimony of my divine worth won't let me do that.

7. Am I distracting myself from emotional distress by excessive shopping, spending, over-eating, obsessive exercising, or using media or any other behavior to escape or soothe my fearful or angry emotions?

Yes, I watch TV to distract myself. I watch TV to go numb and stop thinking about all this.

8. How have unhealthy codependent behaviors impacted my life? How have they affected my loved one?

They have made me miserable. This addiction is stupid and I can't control it or my husband's desire to overcome it. Allowing either any control over my happiness has just brought worry and fear and heartache. I don't know how to have an open and vulnerable and successful marriage without some happiness hinging on it being those things though. If it has no effect on my happiness then it is just business, it isn't something that can make me happy or sad, so why put all the effort into it? A great marriage would make me happy, so how do I saw an unhealthy marriage won't make my unhappy?

I choose to avoid controlling others

1. Have I tried to control addictive behaviors through threats, silent treatment, withdrawal of love, shaming, blaming, or constant monitoring of their behaviors?

I would say no. I have withdrawn love, I have blamed (in my heart), I have gotten silent. But I don't think I did those in an effort to control. I know they were perceived that way but I honestly have done those things when I have felt too weak to be vulnerable, too hurt to put myself out there, and too sad to put his feelings ahead of my own. These were a mechanism for coping with the hurt - by shielding myself from more hurt.

Letting go and allowing consequences

1. Why is it important to allow my loved one to experience the consequences of their addiction? How will this make a difference in their life as well as my own?

It is important because that is the nature of this life - the way it was designed. We make choices, and we face the music. I am not the Savior, so I don't have the capacity to save my husband, nor is it my job. We must all face our own consequences. I believe that facing them sooner helps us in the long run.

Reacting or responding

1. What can I do to begin responding rather than reacting? What differences do I see in myself and in others when I respond rather than react?

Honestly, I feel I generally do a good job of responding rather than reacting. Rarely do I just let my knee-jerk reaction rule my actions. However, I could work on not letting it control my thoughts and feelings too. When I respond rather than react the situation doesn't escalate. My husband will react about 95% of the time, so all it takes for a situation to escalate is for me to react as well and then BOOM there we go. I struggle with feeling it is unfair to have such a disparity in who reacts vs. responds. But life isn't fair. And where much is given much is required. I was taught to respond rather than react so I am required to do so. My husband, through is primary attachment figure, was mostly taught to react rather than respond so he isn't held to the same standard (I believe). Sometimes it just stinks.


My favorite quote from the workbook while working this section of the step was:

"Do not give in to paralyzing feelings of guilt and hopelessness. Seek spiritual help and peace. Be strong and courageous. You will see it through." - Elder Carmack (p. 12)

I will see it through!

Step One - Part 3

This post is part of my step work through the "Healing Through Christ Manual" in which I answer the questions presented at the end of each step to work my way through what was taught. The "Healing Through Christ" manual can be downloaded for free at healingthroughchrist.org.

IDENTIFYING NEGATIVE EMOTIONS

Processing my Negative Emotions
1. What are the negative emotions I struggle with? How can I process my negative emotions? How often do I struggle with negative thoughts and experience fearful or angry emotions about my loved one's addiction? Have my thoughts and worries interfered with eating and sleeping patterns? Have I struggled with feelings of hopelessness and depression? To what extent?

I struggle with anger and sadness most. I get angry that he repeats the addiction cycle over and over. I get angry that I am in this situation. I get angry that I don't have the full fidelity of my husband. I get angry that I don't have control. I also get sad and self-conscience. I am sad for all the same reasons I am angry and that often turns into a critique of my physical body. Keeping my body image healthy is extremely challenging while facing my husband's sexual addiction.

I can process my negative emotions by identifying them as such. I am feeling angry because... I am feeling sad because... I am feeling bad about myself because... And recognizing the source of negative emotions is the adversary. Once I convince myself the source is the adversary who wants to bring me down and destroy my marriage it is easier to choose to "let go and let God", turn my emotions over to him, and seek out ways to fill the space with positive emotions.

I struggle with negative emotions in some form daily. Usually the daily thoughts are fleeting and brief and I can process them quickly. About every 2 weeks I have more trouble processing these emotions quickly and it takes a couple days. These thoughts and worries interfere with my eating habits mildly by my over-eating to console myself but they do interfere with my sleep if I haven't processed by bedtime.

I have struggled with feelings of hopelessness more than feelings of depression. These feelings come only once a month or so when I am having a really hard time processing other negative emotions at the same time as B is having a hard time with processing his negative emotions. When we are BOTH negative at the same time it feels more hopeless.

The Wolf Parable

From "Healing Through Christ" - The Wolf Parable

An elder Apache was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me; it is a terrible fight that is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, self-pity, guilt, resentment, lies, and pride. The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside you and inside every other person too." The grandchildren thought about the story for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?" The old grandfather simply replied, "The one you feed."

1. Which wolf do I feed most often? What can I learn from the feelings I have when I feed either wolf ? (Read D&C 50:23-25) How do negative emotions interfere with my ability to respond appropriately to my addicted loved one?

I honestly feel that feed the good wolf most often. There are certainly days or moments where I feed the bad wolf and let myself slip into negative emotions. But more and more I'm learning to recognize the negative emotions when they start and halt them, knowing they are of the adversary and it is slippery slope to ruin an entire day or week if I succumb in those first moments of temptation. When I do allow the negative emotions to fester (and sometimes I do because I'm not perfect and sometimes I want to have a pity-party) it totally destroys my ability to be there for my addicted loved one. I am unfeeling, withdrawn, snippy, unproductive, and selfish with my time and my energy and my emotions. I think that is the biggest thing - I get selfish. I don't want to put myself out there. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to spend time with him. I don't want to be nice to him. I want to make him feel the pain that I am feeling (misery loves company). I get selfish when I feed the bad wolf.

Recognize the adversary's influence

1. What are the lies the adversary whispers into my mind? How do these lies affect my behavior? What is the truth about each of the lies I have listed? How can replacing untruthful thoughts with accurate information help me?

The lie that is whispered into my mind most often is that I am too fat to be desirable. I believed this one for a long time. Before marriage I always longed for the day when I would be married and finally be accepted for me and have a husband that saw me as beautiful because he saw past the extra pounds. Seriously, that was what I expected of marriage - a man who would love me for me and the weight wouldn't bother him because it is just part of me. Oh, YOWSA was I wrong about that one. SO SO WRONG. My problem was I was waiting for the day when validation from a man would make me comfortable in my own skin. Once I was married and realized this was NOT going to happen any time soon in my marriage I got angry, really angry. I felt like I had been seriously short-changed. I work hard on my spiritual self, my mental self, my emotional self, but all that was being considered was my physical self and because that came up short I was undesirable. Why would Heavenly Father have led me to someone who rips open my biggest weakness and pours acid on the pain? When B told me he resented that he was led to someone who was lacking in physical self-confidence and who struggled with her weight my jaw nearly hit the floor. You resent being married to me?! Are you freaking kidding me? You can't be serious. I'm the best damn thing that has happened in your life and I'm responding much better than lots of people do and I'm trying to be patient, to work on me, to understand your stupid addiction and you have the audacity to RESENT ME my lack of self-confidence? You're addiction caused lots of it! Okay, calm down Laurie. This lie, and many other affect my behavior because I get distracted by them, I get angry, I withdraw, I get more irritable, and less likely to look for opportunities to serve my spouse. The truth is that I am overweight. The lie is that being overweight automatically makes me unworthy of love or being considered attractive. The bigger lie is that being considered attractive physically is so important. It isn't. There is so much more. Replacing lies with truth grounds me, brings me peace, and makes me much more balanced on all levels.

We are commanded to be not afraid

1. How has fear destroyed my faith and hope? How has it kept me from feeling that God is with me wherever I go?

I believe, as the prophets and apostles have taught, that man cannot serve two masters. When I am in a place of fear I am putting up walls between me and the influence of the spirit. When I am in a place of fear all I can see are the negatives, the fear, the potential loss. I can't see the positives, and more importantly the hope. Fear is the opposite of faith and hope and faith go hand in hand.