Trauma is so real

Our last big step back really did a number on me and I am still recovering.

We were at the store together and had a blow-up over which bag of chips to get. Yes, you read that right. Which bag of chips led to yelling, and storming off. We connected toward the end of the shopping trip again and I told him I felt that he owed me an apology. He insisted that he in fact did not owe me an apology and it was all my fault. Then the TRAUMA took over. My heart started beating faster, my breathing sped up, my feet moved faster as I raced toward the check out so I could just GET OUT of dodge. I felt the trauma envelope my entire being. I hate that feeling.

Another time we had made some strides toward emotional intimacy. We were on our way toward physical intimacy. And the trauma took over again. I froze. Thankfully he responded with gentleness when I needed to stop. We went back to sleeping apart after that.

I was gone for several days and when I returned we were able to be kind. We even slept in the same bed again. I had been vulnerable again. The next morning there was no affection, no increased emotional intimacy. I felt let down, alone, and stupid. The trauma tried to rear it's ugly head again.

Last night we had some good conversation. I had been very triggered by something completely unrelated to my husband. He seemed to understand or at least attempt to understand that I was in a hard place and that I did not feel very connected because the trauma was very real still. In the middle of the night he tried to instigate sex. Um, NO. Clearly the understanding was feigned, or at least it didn't mean enough to him to actually put my feelings ahead of is middle of the night lust.

Amid all this I had a very tender, spiritual, and sacred experience at the temple on Saturday. It lifted me, it strengthened me, it taught me. It didn't really relate to addiction or my marriage, but to my relationship with my Savior. I have had joy this past week. Lots of it actually. None of it came from my spouse or my marriage. That is sad to me, but it is my truth right now.

I'm just waiting until therapy later this week to try to continue processing. I don't feel I have it in me to dig up the hurt again. Every few days it is brought up by other stuff and that is enough for me. The hurt is so deep, and so profound and I don't think I can let it fully wash over me right now in order to surrender. I'm scared of the hurt, of feeling the full brunt of it. I will get there eventually, but not right now. For today I'll stay on the surface and do other things that need to be done.