Shame vs. Guilt

I listened to the first two podcasts at the Connexions Classroom and loved them! Some of it was hard to hear because of how difficult things are at home right now but still good good stuff.

The second podcast is about Shame vs. Guilt and a few things stuck out to me:

Guilt is a motivator for me to change. Shame is a motivator for me to stay stuck.

I liked this because it helps give me another tool to identify shame in myself. I am familiar with some ways that shame manifests in my life (I think we all have some shame) by the "I am a bad person" thought process (for me the default shame mechanisms is tied to physical beauty standards - which are hog-wash). I hadn't really thought measuring shame by whether or not I feel stuck - but I have recently felt stuck and I thought this was good insight.

I felt stuck for over a week when I was trying to do something that didn't feel right but was upon the advice of my therapist. Thinking back I think I was trapped in shame because it wasn't working and I was thinking I must be a bad wife and a bad christian because this was his advice and it is failing miserably so I am doing it wrong. Now that I've let go of following that advice I feel free and unstuck and motivated and I think that is an indication of good!


Another thing that was shared:

When I do something that is in violation to what I believe or what I know to be right for me. I automatically, instinctively, feel bad so if I’m not willing to take responsibility and I want to blame or accuse or hide from it or make it less than it really was, it will move right into shame. If I choose to account for it and move into a proactive response around it and clean it up and make things right then it will stay in a place of remorse and guilt and regret and will motivate me to do something different.

What a great action item to help me stay out of shame!! TAKE RESPONSIBILITY!! There is so much I could say about how I wish my husband would do this - living with someone stuck in shame is a unique kind of hell. However, when I first heard it I thought of myself. In my patriarchal blessing I am instructed to repent daily. I've always pondered on that and I've never been very good at it. We are taught in church to repent often, even daily. Maybe THIS is what God intends when he tells us to repent all the time. Maybe it isn't about us being wicked but it is his guideline to help us stay out of shame and in a healthy pattern of taking responsibility when we feel guilt. Repenting every day is a loving commandment of a God who doesn't want us to stew or let things fester or have us sink down into shame but he wants us to acknowledge our faults, own our mistakes, and move onward and upward. He exhorts us to repents every day so we can feel the joy of a clean slate, of a pure heart, and be free of the chains of shame!

Cautiously Optimistic - Recovery Efforts

The past 5 days:

Wednesday: Morning disclosure. He acted out twice the day before. I am so tired of this cycle. I'm so tired of this addiction. I am weary. He's still sleeping on the couch from our blow up two weeks prior. Staying on the couch.

Thursday: Therapy. He was taking lots of notes... hmm... We left and he says he wished he had a recorder because there is so much he wants to remember and so much work to do. What? He does a phone SA meeting That hasn't happened in forever, I guess therapy was good for him today. He tells me about the meeting. He is volunteering information that brings up his addiction outside of our weekly check-in, things are getting weird now. He gets mad at me for interrupting him and pouts like a child with his arms folded, shoulders tight, scowl apparent. He then storms out saying "I'm going to go call my contact!" and returns 20 minutes later with a complete attitude 180 and asks to help prep dinner Thank goodness for the mystery "contact"! I can't believe he only pouted for 5 minutes before seeking help. 

Friday: We are having fun together. This is strange. He brings up other recovery/addiction related stuff and thoughts. We might be in a danger zone of actually talking about this for three days in a row - who is this man, what has he done with my predictable, avoid-happy husband? He calls his psuedo sponsor again this evening. He participates in another SA phone meeting. He comes back to bed that night, and I am not anxious or angry at all.

Saturday: We work well together to arrange our Saturday schedule with work, friends, obligations, chores. First Saturday in months that he doesn't just do his own thing leaving me with the kid nearly the whole day. He calls his pseudo sponsor again.  I think I like him! Am I really flirting with him? So fun! I like this whole effort thing that he is trying on for size. 

Sunday: It's father's day. I wake up to him participating in another SA phone meeting. He gets the kid ready for church. Church is good. He helps make dinner. He calls his pseudo sponsor. He has time to take a nap. I go upstairs after a couple hours and catch him watching "Helping Her Heal" for the first time, and taking notes. What on earth! On FATHER'S day he has given me a great day and has done tons to work on recovery. This man, whoever he is, is pretty awesome! I hope it sticks. I go to bed before him

Monday morning: He came to bed really late after playing video games. My happy bubble has been slightly punctured. I feel a twinge of detachment and fear. I am reminded that our recoveries are separate and that he has a long way to go.

I share this because I have never seen him take so much initiative in his own recovery. Ever. He is calling his friend every day, even on good days. I am choosing to life in this moment and enjoy and have hope rather than focusing on just how much work he has to do and that  I am sure I haven't had my last disclosure. This is the mad I thought I had married all those years ago. He is kind and affectionate and helpful  and super fun and funny. He is actually trying. This is what trying looks like. Although my actions haven't changed at all he is more open with me, more trusting, and has found good qualities in me. If this is what recovery looks like I am ALL IN.  I am in love today. Who would have thought that I'd fall more and more in love because my husband has started calling someone I've never meet every evening - even putting off enjoyable activities to participate in his calls.

One Step Back, Two Baby Steps Forward: Part III

So, for the final baby step  of the big step back and two steps forward we go to The Lion King.

We watched it with our son and we both had moments, for very different reasons. I might talk more about what I found in it in another post. B was very touched by the part where Mufasa appears in the stars and reminds Simba who he is. See the scene below.

On Sunday we were discussing our days and B indicated he is on a spiritual high and that he feels he is on the cusp of a change in perspective about his worth. I think he is so close to believing he has individual worth, because it is his birthright. It is something that contradicts nearly everything he has been taught to believe about himself so that knowledge will not come easily. The adversary will be putting up a big fight in B's journey to that part of his testimony. I hope he gets there though. His baby steps toward that knowledge is encouraging because I really feel it would change a lot. It would give him hope where he previously hasn't had any because he has such incredibly low self-esteem and such a low sense of worth.

This makes me grateful for the Young Women values. I had lessons on individual worth all through my teenage years. I might not have let it all sink in, and I have had my struggles. But I had the vocabulary, I had the lessons in the back on my mind somewhere, I have the theme to fall back on. As I have found more of my own confidence in my recovery journey I have changed for the better. I have become less willing to have things in my life that detract from the spirit. I have found my voice more. I have hopes that as B works to discover his self-worth he will have some of the same benefits.

This is a hard place. After such a huge blow up, and the feelings of being unsafe and all the emotional and verbal abuse it is hard to be in a good space. His honesty in the past few days and his efforts to keep out the spiritual and to dig deeper into himself have been baby steps in the right direction. I feel that these are not fake moments, but I also know that the spiritual high will come down. The temptations will return. The long-practiced patterns of blaming, abusing will still be the default so there is lots of work to be done.

For now, I'm glad he seems to be really trying to do the work. I have said, in no uncertain terms, that I will not be physically trapped again. I will not be fearful for my safety. If there is a next time he will be moving out, because it is just not ok at all. We slept in the same bed last night but today we both agreed that it was too soon and we will be sleeping apart for at least another week. I still feel raw. I am so hurt and betrayed. I feel weak and afraid. I feel sad and abused. I feel calm and hopeful. None of it makes sense but I have decided to just have confidence in myself and my ability to just live in the moment. If the moment is hopeful I am giving myself permission to have hope. If the moment is happy I am giving myself permission to be happy with B. If the moment is sad then I have permission to just be sad. If the moment is raw and emotional then I give myself permission to be raw, to require space, to want hugs, to want distance, to express myself or to keep it to myself to stay safe. I just am allowed to feel whatever I feel and do whatever is right for that moment, for that day.

In this moment I have hope and I have very real trauma to work through and that is okay. I am a daughter of God and with that comes power to overcome this trauma.

Tender Mercy - My hurt was important to someone

Last time we left therapy I shared with B how it was good, but generally I don't find it helpful for me. We have, to this point, solely focused on B and his addiction. Don't get me wrong, I think that is incredibly important. I SHOULD be that way. But the consequence is that I don't talk or get talked to much.

I feel that I have a pretty solid foundation, and with the wonderful communities of WoPAs I am a part of online I have many resources to learn and grow and feel validated. I have been working on being okay with my bishop and my therapist not really getting my pain. I was told 1 (or 5) too many times to support B, so I had pretty much written them both off as potential support people for my own healing.

Yesterday we returned to therapy. Our therapist started by telling us there were a couple things he wanted to do with the time the first of which was talk to me alone. We were both kind of surprised but said okay. B stepped out after a few more minutes. Then our therapist told me he had been wanting to talk to me alone for a while to see how I am doing and give me an opportunity to fully express myself and what I am going through. He apologized that it hadn't happened sooner and said that he felt he needed to get B a few tools first because he was in dire need of them. (I agree with that). He also told me that earlier in the week he had attended a bishopric training and my bishop had spoken to him and told him that if I desired my own therapy session, separate from the couples session, that funding would be available to help me get it.

What the what!?

When my bishop asked recently how therapy was going I said it was going well, but I don't think the therapist totally understands what spouses go through and I don't talk much. I expressed that it really was going well and helpful so far despite this. The fact that he HEARD me, and went about being an instrument in the hands of the Lord to ensure that I got help in a way he couldn't offer is amazing. The fact that the therapist HEARD the bishop, and probably the spirit, and reached out to me is amazing. The fact that B was totally in support of the added session and the time taken yesterday for me during our session in amazing.

What I felt most was a warm embrace from my Savior and a reminder that I am loved, I am not forgotten, and I matter. My trial matters too, it need not be overshadowed by B's trial. It has been wonderful to feel the love from all three of these men as they followed the promptings of the spirit and shared my Savior's love for me. As WoPAs we band together and rise above and that has been such a huge support and probably the biggest factor in my healing. I will say though, having men (who have heretofore been either the cause of my pain, or just unable to understand or help at all) tell me my pain is important as well has been pretty darn great.

Refreshing Honesty

Today B and I had a very real, honest, and open conversation about our sex life. It was so nice because I think we were both on the same page and chose our words carefully to try to fully express ourselves without going into any of the roles in the drama triangle. I feel that it was a baby step in the right direction. We've decided to have a sex fast for a while to get a break from the frustration and hurt that it has caused recently to both of us and to try and reset.

My favorite part of this experience is that he really opened up about what he has been feeling and what his perspective on recent circumstances have been. That afforded me the opportunity to do the same and we both saw how a lack of communication about the subject had made things worse. It made me cry because there was pent up hurt and emotion that was unlocked by his honesty and willingness to listen to my honesty. It felt good to let a few more things out and surrender a little bit more.

Another silly thing dawned on us - before marriage we stayed chaste by having rules and boundaries like many other couples have. The rules were meant to keep us from a situation where our resolve would be tested. The couple times we have tried to have a sex fast in marriage we didn't set up the same boundaries because we just assumed we could stick to our resolve I guess? Well, those didn't last long.

side note***I feel shame even writing that. I feel like having a sex life at all with a lust addict not in recovery is somehow betraying all of the other WoPAs out there. I feel like it means I shouldn't be allowed to be part of their(your) company because they(you) surely take all this so seriously that they(you) wouldn't do this to themselves(yourself) or partners and they(you) all have more self-respect than I do, or something like that. I feel it makes me seem weak to still have any kind of sex life before B is completely sober and in recovery. I feel it makes me part of the problem; If I just stopped having sex completely then I wouldn't feel used because I wouldn't be letting him use me and he would realize I was serious and get his bum in gear. If I just stopped having sex with him then we would be able to focus on everything else and I wouldn't be medicating him with his addiction and enabling him. These feelings of shame and blaming myself for his addiction are probably partly why a sex fast is a good idea.***

We are going to set up some additional boundaries for ourselves because we really do believe we need a period of abstinence to change up our patterns and reset our emotional connection. We have been, in the past month or two, using sex as a way to create an emotional connection rather than celebrate and deepen a strong emotional connection. Not healthy. I am 100% guilty of this too, not just B. When we started therapy and other boundaries got thrown out the window (another story, that I've shared some of in the past) I just kind of let them all go because I felt helpless and trampled on and unsure. Maybe re-figuring everything out is a good thing though. Now we are on the same page and the boundaries (at least these ones, not all of them) will actually be set together because his heart wants to have an emotional connection with me and is slowly seeing that that means sobriety and recovery needs to be worked on.