Righteous Anger?

Yesterday a dinner guest asked an intriguing gospel question that he had been pondering - What is righteous anger - does it exist?

Our guest believed it could not exist because of God's love for all His children and the repeated imploring of our priesthood leaders to not get angry. Anger, after all, is a result of pride right? He proposed that God feels sorrow when His children misbehave but not anger.

I happen to know this man is a sex addict who is striving for recovery. 

After about 10 minutes of engaging dialogue I had to excuse myself because I knew I would get triggered by an addict telling me that no matter how much a person hurts another person God doesn't get angry with them. The conversation went on for a long time with our guest, my dad, and my husband.

Later that night me and hubs discussed the topic again. 

I believe we have evidence of righteous anger in the scriptures both the Bible, the Book of Mormon, and the Doctrine and Covenants. I believe it exists but it is not the kind of anger we feel because we are prideful and fallen and our anger stems, most of the time, from selfishness and our own hurt. But I can't imagine that God doesn't get angry (or frustrated, or whatever you'd like to call it) when He sees His children harmed by the willful misdeeds of other people who should know better. I know many times we are hurt by people who don't know better or don't have the tools to do better. However, sometimes I make mistakes when I KNOW BETTER. And I can imagine a form of frustrated disappointment that would be an emotion God experiences. 

Anyway, I just wanted to share a bit because the idea of an addict telling me God is never angry when His children are hurt briefly made me want to pull my hair out. Thankfully my husband didn't agree with Him so the trigger didn't last long or devolve into anything else. 

I kind of feel like saying "Trigger Managed" in a Harry Potter-esque "mischief managed" kind of way. New catch phrase? Maybe. :)

Dreams

In my life bad dreams have been few and far between. I attribute this to a sweet learning experience when I had a nightmare as a child and my father encouraged me to pray for no more bad dreams. I did, they went away, I didn't have a bad dream for about 15 years. Sometimes I still pray for no bad dreams, and no spiders in my bed.

Trauma is real though so bad dreams have returned to my life on an infrequent basis. About once a month of so I'll dream something to do with the addiciton - he acted out, he cheated, I had to escape sex trafficking, and things like that. I wake up angry, or sad, and restless and ill-as-ease. It is still crazy to me that something we dream can have such a profound effect on our waking hours.

Last week I had a pretty bad dream. I was mostly useless during the day because it triggered some pretty severe sadness over what my husband has seen and it triggered some body-image woes. I read my scriptures, I napped, I tried to numb with reading and television. Through the whole day my husband, who knew only that I'd had a bad dream, was patient, and just let me have space without reacting to my melancholy or taking it personally.

To me, this is evidence of change and recovery in his life and mine. I didn't lash out in my sadness and anger and he didn't lash out at my detachment. When I told him about the dream and the subsequent emotions he listened, validated, and comforted, and opened up about some of his own fears and insecurities that he had been facing for a little while. It was a beautiful evening after a wretched day.

It is evidence of the power of the atonement. Our fears, and our sadness, and our despair can all be wrapped up in the love and atonement of our Savior and replaced with peace, hope, and love. Recovery, the 12 steps, thearpy, it has all helped to to better and more quickly apply the healing balm of the atonement in my life and for that I am grateful.

Finding God

Much has happened in the last month. I don't have the emotional energy to go through it but I did want to post something.

Amid all the turmoil in life I have felt so much love from my Savior. I have found that when I am still, and open my heart, I can see Him pouring blessings upon me, even in my darkest hour.

Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God..."

I find God in scripture, in music (not just Hymns and church-produced music either), in family, in finding the perfect parking spot, in a good meal, in kind words from friends, in therapy, in church, during my commute, in the community of Wopas that I have found.

Today I found God in the tender moment with my toddler where he, unsolicited, put his little hands firmly on the sides of my face and turned my face toward his, looked deep into my eyes holding me there for many seconds and his sweet whisper, "I wuv you" and following it up with a kiss and pulling my head onto his shoulder in a hug. His little 2 year old body meant my head was the size of his chest but he just held me there, then pulled my face back to facing him and repeated "I wuv you" with more kisses.

Alma 30:44 "...all things denote there is a God..."

Recovery principles are applicable to everything!

Today has been kind of tough for various reasons that are unrelated to addiction. I have been feeling angry toward my significant other over the way he poorly handled a situation the result of which is added work on my part.

When I got to work I felt myself wanting to do anything but work or think about the situation. My recovery though kicked in and I was able to recognize that I was feeling negative emotions and I was feeling the desire to numb with mindless pinterest searching and netflix and food.

It made me kind of happy to see progress in my own life from recovery. It might not be addiction related but the principles of recovery are so all encompassing that they are just LIFE recovery. They are just excellent tools to make us all better equipped at navigating life with more emotional, spiritual, and mental stability. I'm certainly not perfect, and I'm pretty sure I will watch Netflix on one monitor while I work on the other but even recognizing the workings of my mind and emotions so quickly, almost as soon as they got started, is good and is healthy.

I LOVE recovery work. I love the 12-steps. I love all I have learned from the wonderful women that I run shoulders with figuratively. I love all that I am learning in therapy. I love that I am feeling more confidant in my parenting ability because of the knowledge I am gaining - at least I have some tools to help teach my child about emotions, sexuality, pornography, and boundaries. God is full of mercy and love and is ready to pour goodness, knowledge, and peace into our hearts as we make room in our hearts for those blessings.

Cautiously Optimistic - Recovery Efforts

The past 5 days:

Wednesday: Morning disclosure. He acted out twice the day before. I am so tired of this cycle. I'm so tired of this addiction. I am weary. He's still sleeping on the couch from our blow up two weeks prior. Staying on the couch.

Thursday: Therapy. He was taking lots of notes... hmm... We left and he says he wished he had a recorder because there is so much he wants to remember and so much work to do. What? He does a phone SA meeting That hasn't happened in forever, I guess therapy was good for him today. He tells me about the meeting. He is volunteering information that brings up his addiction outside of our weekly check-in, things are getting weird now. He gets mad at me for interrupting him and pouts like a child with his arms folded, shoulders tight, scowl apparent. He then storms out saying "I'm going to go call my contact!" and returns 20 minutes later with a complete attitude 180 and asks to help prep dinner Thank goodness for the mystery "contact"! I can't believe he only pouted for 5 minutes before seeking help. 

Friday: We are having fun together. This is strange. He brings up other recovery/addiction related stuff and thoughts. We might be in a danger zone of actually talking about this for three days in a row - who is this man, what has he done with my predictable, avoid-happy husband? He calls his psuedo sponsor again this evening. He participates in another SA phone meeting. He comes back to bed that night, and I am not anxious or angry at all.

Saturday: We work well together to arrange our Saturday schedule with work, friends, obligations, chores. First Saturday in months that he doesn't just do his own thing leaving me with the kid nearly the whole day. He calls his pseudo sponsor again.  I think I like him! Am I really flirting with him? So fun! I like this whole effort thing that he is trying on for size. 

Sunday: It's father's day. I wake up to him participating in another SA phone meeting. He gets the kid ready for church. Church is good. He helps make dinner. He calls his pseudo sponsor. He has time to take a nap. I go upstairs after a couple hours and catch him watching "Helping Her Heal" for the first time, and taking notes. What on earth! On FATHER'S day he has given me a great day and has done tons to work on recovery. This man, whoever he is, is pretty awesome! I hope it sticks. I go to bed before him

Monday morning: He came to bed really late after playing video games. My happy bubble has been slightly punctured. I feel a twinge of detachment and fear. I am reminded that our recoveries are separate and that he has a long way to go.

I share this because I have never seen him take so much initiative in his own recovery. Ever. He is calling his friend every day, even on good days. I am choosing to life in this moment and enjoy and have hope rather than focusing on just how much work he has to do and that  I am sure I haven't had my last disclosure. This is the mad I thought I had married all those years ago. He is kind and affectionate and helpful  and super fun and funny. He is actually trying. This is what trying looks like. Although my actions haven't changed at all he is more open with me, more trusting, and has found good qualities in me. If this is what recovery looks like I am ALL IN.  I am in love today. Who would have thought that I'd fall more and more in love because my husband has started calling someone I've never meet every evening - even putting off enjoyable activities to participate in his calls.

Trauma is so real

Our last big step back really did a number on me and I am still recovering.

We were at the store together and had a blow-up over which bag of chips to get. Yes, you read that right. Which bag of chips led to yelling, and storming off. We connected toward the end of the shopping trip again and I told him I felt that he owed me an apology. He insisted that he in fact did not owe me an apology and it was all my fault. Then the TRAUMA took over. My heart started beating faster, my breathing sped up, my feet moved faster as I raced toward the check out so I could just GET OUT of dodge. I felt the trauma envelope my entire being. I hate that feeling.

Another time we had made some strides toward emotional intimacy. We were on our way toward physical intimacy. And the trauma took over again. I froze. Thankfully he responded with gentleness when I needed to stop. We went back to sleeping apart after that.

I was gone for several days and when I returned we were able to be kind. We even slept in the same bed again. I had been vulnerable again. The next morning there was no affection, no increased emotional intimacy. I felt let down, alone, and stupid. The trauma tried to rear it's ugly head again.

Last night we had some good conversation. I had been very triggered by something completely unrelated to my husband. He seemed to understand or at least attempt to understand that I was in a hard place and that I did not feel very connected because the trauma was very real still. In the middle of the night he tried to instigate sex. Um, NO. Clearly the understanding was feigned, or at least it didn't mean enough to him to actually put my feelings ahead of is middle of the night lust.

Amid all this I had a very tender, spiritual, and sacred experience at the temple on Saturday. It lifted me, it strengthened me, it taught me. It didn't really relate to addiction or my marriage, but to my relationship with my Savior. I have had joy this past week. Lots of it actually. None of it came from my spouse or my marriage. That is sad to me, but it is my truth right now.

I'm just waiting until therapy later this week to try to continue processing. I don't feel I have it in me to dig up the hurt again. Every few days it is brought up by other stuff and that is enough for me. The hurt is so deep, and so profound and I don't think I can let it fully wash over me right now in order to surrender. I'm scared of the hurt, of feeling the full brunt of it. I will get there eventually, but not right now. For today I'll stay on the surface and do other things that need to be done.

I'll Be Okay

Feeling hurt and unsure and scared and sad. I found this song. I just keep reminding myself, I'll be okay. I've felt this way before. The sun will rise again. I will feel peace again. As I strive to live worthy of the tender promptings of the Holy Ghost I will find the path that I should follow. I will be whole again through the Atonement of my Savior who saves me every day and who has never failed me. He has caught me every time I needed catching. He has held me every time I've needed holding. He's guided me every time I've needed guiding. As long as I open the door to Him and His influence He will be there for me. And when I've closed the door, He is still waiting on just the other side until I open it again. (Revelation 3:20)

Tender Mercy - My hurt was important to someone

Last time we left therapy I shared with B how it was good, but generally I don't find it helpful for me. We have, to this point, solely focused on B and his addiction. Don't get me wrong, I think that is incredibly important. I SHOULD be that way. But the consequence is that I don't talk or get talked to much.

I feel that I have a pretty solid foundation, and with the wonderful communities of WoPAs I am a part of online I have many resources to learn and grow and feel validated. I have been working on being okay with my bishop and my therapist not really getting my pain. I was told 1 (or 5) too many times to support B, so I had pretty much written them both off as potential support people for my own healing.

Yesterday we returned to therapy. Our therapist started by telling us there were a couple things he wanted to do with the time the first of which was talk to me alone. We were both kind of surprised but said okay. B stepped out after a few more minutes. Then our therapist told me he had been wanting to talk to me alone for a while to see how I am doing and give me an opportunity to fully express myself and what I am going through. He apologized that it hadn't happened sooner and said that he felt he needed to get B a few tools first because he was in dire need of them. (I agree with that). He also told me that earlier in the week he had attended a bishopric training and my bishop had spoken to him and told him that if I desired my own therapy session, separate from the couples session, that funding would be available to help me get it.

What the what!?

When my bishop asked recently how therapy was going I said it was going well, but I don't think the therapist totally understands what spouses go through and I don't talk much. I expressed that it really was going well and helpful so far despite this. The fact that he HEARD me, and went about being an instrument in the hands of the Lord to ensure that I got help in a way he couldn't offer is amazing. The fact that the therapist HEARD the bishop, and probably the spirit, and reached out to me is amazing. The fact that B was totally in support of the added session and the time taken yesterday for me during our session in amazing.

What I felt most was a warm embrace from my Savior and a reminder that I am loved, I am not forgotten, and I matter. My trial matters too, it need not be overshadowed by B's trial. It has been wonderful to feel the love from all three of these men as they followed the promptings of the spirit and shared my Savior's love for me. As WoPAs we band together and rise above and that has been such a huge support and probably the biggest factor in my healing. I will say though, having men (who have heretofore been either the cause of my pain, or just unable to understand or help at all) tell me my pain is important as well has been pretty darn great.

Obedience, Hope, and Faith all in one verse!

I was reading in the Book of Mormon this morning, Alma Chapter 25 and verse 16 really spoke to me. It reads:

"Now they did not suppose that salvation came by the law of Moses; but the law of Moses did serve to strengthen their faith in Christ; and thus they did retain a hope through faith, unto eternal salvation, relaying upon the spirit of prophecy, which spake of those things to come."

This chapter is talking about the Anti-Nephi-Lehis (who were previously known as Lamanites) who have been converted to the gospel by the sons of Mosiah (you know, those trouble makers who were with Alma the Younger when he saw an angel). The Anti-Nephi-Lehis have been attacked by the Lamanites, but did not fight back because of their promise to God. Many were killed but even more were converted and joined the Anit-Nephi-Lehis. The people are industrious and striving to cling to the gospel.

I think I sometimes fall into the trap of the pharisee where I believe the salvation comes by obedience. If we follow the law, we are saved. While this can be true, it is not the whole picture and I love how this scripture expounds on it to give us a more full idea of the reason for obedience. The Anti-Nephi-Lehis were pretty wise. They followed the Law of Moses but they knew that salvation did not come by obedience alone. The purpose of the laws was to "strengthen their faith in Christ" and through their increased faith they were blessed with HOPE of eternal salvation. Faith in Christ is the important factor, it is strengthened by obedience and it leads to hope!

I want HOPE. A heart full of hope is so much better than a heart full of heartache, pain, anger, sadness, and loneliness. This scripture outlines how to have  hope - be obedient and your faith will be strengthened and you'll have hope. I know the pain and heartache and trial will still come, as they did for these people who had over 1,000 of their members die at the hand of who used to be their bretheren. But they were able to retain hope.

I'm not saying this is the only way to strengthen our faith, but it surely is one of the ways and a very good way. I'm so grateful for personal revelation. I am comforted by the fact that I can seek out my own relationship with God. I don't have to go through anyone but my Savior. My relationship with Heavenly Father and my Savior is only dependent on my own choices, my willingness to obey and to open my heart and mind. We have so much power to change ourselves. Our Savior already paid the price of our eternal salvation. We have the potential to become like our Heavenly Father - truly like him! And the ONLY person that can prevent that is US. Each of us is in charge of our own destiny, truly. We have the power, we just have to decide how to use that power.

Love While You Wait

Today in Sacrament meeting something one of the speakers said really touched me. She was speaking about patience and forgiveness as necessary for charity to grow.

"Patience is having love while you wait for others to grow."

My heart is so full today. I have had so many mixed feelings this week about the role of patience, love, charity, and the like in a marriage to an addict. I know about enabling, boundaries, safety, addiction, lies. I believe all those things I've learned. I also know about patience, and unconditional love, and charity, and I believe in those virtues as well. I feel it is a hard balance to strike to be patient, loving, kind, and have boundaries, and not enable, and keep yourself safe from an addict. At times the principles seem positively contradictory. I don't have all the answers. I don't even have the answers for myself.

But today I have my answer for this moment. Heavenly Father impressed upon me today that patience is having love while you wait for others to grow. For this moment, I need to work on my patience. I need to see the good. I need to focus on what IS going well rather than what isn't. I need to let God take care of B and be still. B might still destroy himself, and our family with it. But for today, for this moment, just staying and loving is what I need to work on doing.

It is hard to wait for others to grow. It is hard to be on the cutting edge of others mistakes. We have all been there, for lots of different reasons. Usually we can just minimize our exposure to those who are hurting us by not going out of our way to see them. In marriage it is more difficult because we LIVE together and are trying to have a marriage after all. Am I waiting patiently for B to grow? Am I relying on my Savior and trusting in His plan for me? Am I trusting in His plan for my son, that may or may not include married parents? Am I trusting in His plan for B? How am I showing that trust? Am I growing and learning? I am not except from the need for growth, so am I doing it? Am I evaluating myself, and asking the Lord to show me my weaknesses so that I get down to the hard work of improving myself?

I feel a bit like I am rambling. Here is my point - Christ lives. The Savior of the world lives, and loves each of us and is aware of each of us. He is aware of me and my heartache. He is aware of B and B's struggles. Today, he reminded me that He is aware of me by impressing upon my mind something that matters, something that I can apply, and something that is pertinent to my life. For me, for right now, I will work on loving B while I wait for him to grow.

Implementing Boundaries and The Principle of Reaping What You Sow

My last post was pretty down. I was pretty down. It was therapeutic to get it all out. I want to feel safe. I realized during the day that partly what I had done was not stick to my boundaries when the most recent lie came out. I immediately started trying to make him feel better at the expense of my own sanity. I held on for a couple days but the trauma magnified and I became lost. I lost my footing, my path, and my sanity.

There was some pretty intense praying yesterday and lots of digging deep. If I had neglected my boundaries I really needed to put some in place now to reestablish my safety zone (emotionally speaking). All the way home on my commute I was contemplating what to say to B. I decided on 2 important things - there needed to be a physical separation of sleeping apart for a time in order for me to heal more fully from my most recent betrayal and there needed to be a halt on all sex until I could trust him again.

This second one was big for me folks. It is SO OBVIOUS and everyone knows that trust must be earned back once it has been broken. We all know this. When someone shows you who they are, believe them right?  B had showed me over the past couple months he was not capable of being completely truthful where his addiction is concerned. So, why, OH WHY did I keep trusting him? After each find I would take a couple days and then just trust him again. I would believe that I finally had the whole truth, and now I must really know everything. Two weeks go by and BAM, something else, on now I must really know EVERYTHING. Trust. Time. BAM - MORE HIDDEN THINGS UNCOVERED.

Well, I've lost count but maybe this time is the charm. I actually gave myself permission on the way home to NOT trust him when it comes to the addiction. I long ago stopped believing he was not going to look at porn again but for some reason I kept believing he was telling me the full extent of his addiction. I don't know why, rose colored glasses? I never gave myself permission to not trust him because I was scared that not trusting meant something dreadful. It might mean the marriage is over, or trust could never be regained, or that it is worse than I can even know. I was scared that not trusting him made me a bad wife. I wasn't giving him the benefit of the doubt or being charitable. I give myself permission to NOT trust him. I give him permission to EARN my trust back rather than have it handed to him. I told him that he must earn my trust back if he wants it. I told him sex was off the table until that point. I told him we are sleeping apart for a week for me to continue to heal from the betrayal of the lies. It didn't go well, but it could have gone worse. He reacted like an addict, who has been caught, and who doesn't want to face his own reality. This is fine, because that is the place he is in and I can't really expect more than that.

Then something wonderful happened - I felt the burden I'd been carrying around for the past while lift off my shoulders and I could almost see it land on him. The burden of trust is on the person with whom it belongs. If he behaves in a trustworthy manner I will give him my trust back, but not before he has shown efforts in behaving that way.

I know this addiction is SO MUCH for the addict. It is also SO MUCH for the spouse. I feel like he is constantly piling crap on me that I have to sort through and dig out of and clean up from (I LOVE Harriet's post about this imagery). Well, yesterday I got out of the pile and shoved ALL THAT SHIT right back on him. It is his mess to deal with, he has to deal with it. I'm doing neither of us any favors by trying to take some of his crap on myself and get buried by it. It just seemed like I was finally getting out of the way of the principle of reaping what you sow. It felt good.

The other miracle? When I got out of the way and put all that crap back on him it freed me from the chains of despair, bitterness, blame, anger, confusion, and frustration that were tying me down with much more force than I realized. (*mote and beam people*) I was so consumed I couldn't see which way was up and I didn't even know it. I was finally able to see B, and know that I had just piled a bunch of crap on him, and love him and want him to find his way out, but NOT want to rescue him from it. I was able to love him more fully and clearly because I wasn't trying to sort through stuff that wasn't mine. My negative feelings toward him dissipated completely because I finally had done what I had been directed to do for myself by the Savior and was filled with His peace and love.

I'm not saying I'm perfect and I know I won't be able to stay here forever, but I just wanted to write about it. In this moment I an content. My marriage is on the brink of disaster, my husband is in full fledged addict mode and I'm not sure if he can dig himself out any time soon, I still have that daggum rash, but I have peace. I have the companionship of the spirit of the Lord and it is sweet, and kind, and I am not alone.

When I Finally Realized I'm Grateful for My Pancake Bottom

Warning, I'm talking about one particular thing that is prevelant in B's addiction so this might get triggery for some people.

A little background, my entire family (parents and all my siblings) have great bottoms. They are nice and round and perky. I have a pancake butt. All my pants are saggy where my butt is supposed to be. Underwear is baggy too, so uncomfortable. I've always been jealous of my family for this reason. This jealousy only increased when I found out that B is a butt guy. I knew this before I knew about pornography addiction just from those silly conversations you have when you're dating and engaged. I thought, I'm so glad he loves me even though I don't have what he likes! BARF, I know.

Over the years every single time I've found evidence there has been a focus on large butts. This partly why the whole Kim Kardashian nekked pictures were so triggering for me. And anything with J. Lo. And the fact that B has a celebrity crush on Beyonce. Also, my sister in tight pants with B around has also caused panic even though I hate myself for admitting it because she is the sweetest, kindest, most joyful and caring person I know. 

Today the spirit whispered a sweet something to me through an impression. Maybe it is a blessing that I am not blessed in that way. I don't have to face the trigger of my OWN bottom and his feelings about it near as much as I would if mine looked like the pictures and videos I've found. Sure, addicts will take what they can get and I know I've been objectified by B but I just also am so happy to also know that I don't have his biggest trigger. It is a weird feeling of having finally noticed a tiny piece of divine protection that I was blessed with. 

This might sound crazy but oh well. Today I learned to love my pancake butt!

And then there were two - addicts in the house

We are living with my parents while I am in graduate school. My teenage brother is still at home too. Last Thursday B acted out - and I crashed and burned in response because I didn't stay in a safe place long enough (see my last post). Then on Saturday morning I discovered that my brother most likely has the same addiction. My toddler got on his phone internet (thankfully NOT anything inappropriate) but I just felt like clicking over to the history so I did. For the last month 95% of the sites visited were pornography and there were dozens and dozens of sites.

I can see now that I immediately numbed. I went into busy mode of tasks: 1) search for help for parents, 2) tell my parents, separately because my dad knows about B and my mom doesn't so it would be a different kind of conversation, 3) send resources to parents 4) comfort my mother 5) work in the afternoon. I stayed calm throughout the day and even into Sunday morning. B was still distant and unsupportive and involved in his own thoughts. I got home from church and felt my numbness starting to crumble even though I really did NOT want it to crumble. I found myself super curious about when my parents would talk to my brother and what they would say and what he would say and I wanted to tell him I loved him but I also wanted to through his phone across the room and then take a hammer to it. I wanted to hug him and support him and I wanted to kick his shins, and yell, and call out every single lie my parents were going to buy. I was sure he would lie because that is what addicts do and that is what he has been known to do. I was sure my parents were going to believe them because while they aren't stupid they also aren't versed in addiction. I wanted to scream and cry and break things so badly but I just sat, I had dinner, visited, cleaned. I played with my son.

At one point I knew my parents had talked to my brother but when they were done he seemed happy. He was chipper and energetic and just talking about his plans for the evening and making jokes. This was certainly not the behavior of someone who had just fully confessed his deepest darkest secrets to his parents. This was not the behavior of someone preparing to make huge adjustments in his life. This was not the behavior of someone who had faced the truth of his problem. This was the behavior of my brother, making light of things, and business has usual. I cautiously asked my parents how it went and only got a "good" and "he said what I expected." I know they are now keeping it between them and my brother. That is fine. Just because I discovered it doesn't mean I need to be involved in anything else. If I am honest with myself it is BETTER that I'm not involved with anything else. In the moment when it became clear I was being cut off from any information the last of my numbness crumbled.

I am hurt. I am hurt by my husband's actions. I'm hurt more by his inability to empathize, or think of me, or support me, or even spend a few minutes helping me. I'm feeling lonely and surrounded by filth knowing that two of the three men in my house are regularly viewing smut. I'm feeling lonely because I can't help my mom and share all that I have learned because she doesn't know why I would know anything about this addiction. I'm fearful that nothing will change. Both B and my brother will continue to harm themselves and their loved ones by selfishly indulging in their compulsions and not seeking help. I'm overwhelmed.

Last night I was feeling all this yuck and when I was visiting with B while he had a video game on he asked me how I was doing. He didn't even look at me or turn off the game so I knew it wasn't safe to truly share with him. So I told him I didn't think I wanted to talk about. To his credit after a few moments he turned off the game and came and found me. He wasn't very excited about it, and he definitely gave the strong vibe he was asking out of obligation instead of true concern but I took his actions as a message that I could share. So I did, and I ugly cried, and I spilled my heart. He held my hand, and said he was sorry for the pain. And then while I kept talking (mind you, it had barely been 10 minutes), he fell asleep. I stopped talking, and a few minutes later he opened his eyes and said, "What was that?" CLEARLY he was not actually a safe space right now. I clammed up and made light and excused myself to bed. He chose to stay up and play more video games.

TRIGGER!!! Seriously, he can't stay awake for ten minutes of me being my most vulnerable and in need but as soon as I'm done he will stay awake to play video games. I cried myself to sleep for the second night in a row. The thing that gets me the most is just how selfish this addiction makes people. They cannot see past themselves.

On my way to work today I heart the Carrie Underwood song "Something In the Water" which I love. If you haven't listened to it, please do. It reminded me that my Savior is still there, waiting for me to ask for help. And while I'll still hurt, he can help me move to a place of peace and acceptance and eternal perspective. And he will listen, and stay awake for as long as I need to talk to Him. In this moment I just realized that He gets that feeling because his disciples fell asleep when He needed them most too. He understands.

Matthew 26: 36-44:

 36 Then cometh Jesus with them unto a place called Gethsemane, and saith unto the disciples, Sit ye here, while I go and pray yonder.

 37 And he took with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, andbegan to be sorrowful and very heavy.

 38 Then saith he unto them, My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death: tarry ye here, and watch with me.

 39 And he went a little further, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.

 40 And he cometh unto the disciples, and findeth them asleep, and saith unto Peter, What, could ye not watch with me one hour?

 41 Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.

 42 He went away again the second time, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if this cup may not pass away from me, except I drink it, thy will be done.

 43 And he came and found them asleep again: for their eyes were heavy.

 44 And he left them, and went away again, and prayed the third time, saying the same words. 

The Savior can help us no matter our pain, and we are never alone unless we choose to be alone.

Step Two: Emotional Healing (Surrendering my Fears)

Fear is so powerful. When I am feeling fearful I can hardly focus on anything else. I become immobilized. There is still a lot I fear, especially where this addiction is concerned. 

I am afraid that I will need to leave B at some point.

I am afraid that B will leave me.

I am afraid that we'll make it through this life but we won't be able to be together in the next.

I am afraid of how this addiction will affect my son.

I am afraid that B will never be sober or overcome his addiction.

I am afraid of the addiction escalating to more than it is now.

So, what will happen if some of all of these things come true? In the scriptures Job says:

Job 3:25 "For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me"

And you know what, he survived. He has now become a shining example of faith and perseverance and trust in God. The thing which he GREATLY FEARED happened. And he was okay. Even if all the things on my list happen, I know that I will be okay because the Savior is on my side and has gone before me. 

One of my best friends had to leave a marriage filled with this lust addiction, infidelity, emotional abuse, and physical abuse. When she got married it was in the temple, full of hope, and love, and trust. I daresay that some of her greatest fears were similar to the ones I've listed and she had to live them and so much more. And I watched it shake her to the very core. It shook her self-esteem, her testimony, her trust in herself, her emotional well-being. But then I watched her overcome. I watched her choose to rely on the Savior even when she wasn't sure if it would help. I watched her choose to go to church when people were judging her divorce. I watched her learn to love again and trust again with the Savior's help. The world is chalk-full of stories of people who have faced their greatest fears and who have SURVIVED and even THRIVED. 

If I leave B, or if B leaves me, or if our son has emotional scars, or if B is never sober, or he does other things that hurt me, I will SURVIVE and I will THRIVE because Heavenly Father has a plan for me and that includes sending His Son to die for me so that I can survive and thrive. My Savior understands, and He knows, and He will help to heal me, to put me back together, and to make me whole should I have to face my fears. 

Step Two - Part 1: Spiritual Healing

As I was reading through step two there was so much that pulled at my heart, and rang true, and touched my spirit.

Yesterday I felt unsure about whether B's assurance that he hadn't acted out recently was true. I'm still not sure if it is true. So, I went snooping. I'm not proud of it really, but I just wanted to see if there was something I should know. Recently I've been led to evidence of his lies and thought maybe I'd find more. I found something from 2 full years ago so that wasn't evidence of a lie, but it wasn't fun to find either. I also found videos that weren't porn but certainly weren't appropriate that had been viewed somewhat recently but I can't tell when. It kind of threw me a little. Basically, I think he has probably been qualifying what is porn and what isn't when I ask and has deemed this type of thing not necessary to disclose. So, more evidence of lies. Yikes. This could have led me down a dark path emotionally and spiritually but for some reason although there are still emotions to process I didn't feel the kind of despair I was expecting. I fully give credit to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I've stuck, so far, to my resolution to read some scripture ever day and so yesterday I had and was fortified with the gospel of Christ against feelings of hopelessness and despair. I was able to see more clearly the choices before me of reaction versus response and I was able to go to my Heavenly Father in prayer.

A quote that really struck me in this step under the "Spiritual Healing" subtitle was one by Elder Bednar: “There is no physical pain, no anguish of soul, no suffering of spirit, no infirmity or weakness that you or I ever experience during our mortal journey that the Savior did not experience first. You and I in a moment of weakness may cry out, ‘No one understands. No one knows.’ No human being, perhaps, knows. But the Son of God perfectly knows and understands, for He felt and bore our burdens before we ever did. And because He paid the ultimate price and bore that burden, He has perfect empathy and can extend to us His arm of mercy in so many phases of our life. He can reach out, touch and succor—literally run to us—and strengthen us to be more than we could ever be and help us to do that which we could never do through relying only upon our own power.”

I pictured my Savior literally running to me as I fall to the floor in emotional and spiritual pain. I pictured Him hugging me and just understanding my pain and being concerned with just me in that moment. I know that He understands. I know that He can succor us and empathize and understand. I know that although I feel alone sometimes I am never alone unless I choose to be alone. Someday this trial will all make sense and I will see how I have been purified by the refiner's fire and been made better by my journey.

In recognition of the tender mercies of the Lord I would like to say that I went to bed unsure last night of how I would feel this morning and how I would interact with B. He chose to sleep separate because he'd stayed up late - meaning he CHOSE to adhere to a boundary that he has been disregarding about bed-time. Miracle. And this morning he gave me a big embrace and just held me, like he meant it, and he tenderly told me he loved me before I told him. That doesn't happen all that often. His tender moments aren't his forte and it just spoke to my soul that although there are things I can't trust I do know that he loves me and that Heavenly Father and my Savior love me and are aware of me. They knew I needed a little extra reassurance this morning and gave it to me without me having to bring anything up.

Today I Have Hope - An Answered Prayer

Today I have hope. My little one has been quite sick for five days. He's had a cough, fever, runny nose, and has been very lethargic. He hasn't slept well (so we haven't slept well) and wouldn't eat well. Last night B and a friend gave little man a blessing. Little Man didn't sleep well again and had a fever. This morning I asked B what the blessing said, and it indicated he would be healed. With my little baby warm against my chest and his rattling breathing the only sound I heard I sent prayers up to my Heavenly Father asking Him to heal my son today. I told Heavenly Father I knew he would be healed because of the blessing and our faith but I was asking for that to happen today, to stop his suffering, allow him to sleep and heal him please. Please. His little body cooled off within fifteen minutes. He slept for a full hour on the drive home from where we were sleeping at a friends. When he woke up he was energetic and smiling and is now happily playing in the room beside and back to getting into everything he shouldn't. I KNOW that Heavenly Father heard and answered my prayer this morning.

Heavenly Father knows each of us and loves each of us and wants to help us and heal us and most importantly wants us to learn what we need to learn in order to be with Him again someday.

I trust Heavenly Father. He knows what is best for me, for B, and for little man. He knows how we can get back to Him someday and He will not let my short-comings or B's short-comings get in the way of my son's eternal salvation. Today I have hope that the path I am on is the one the Lord intended me to be on. It is the path that he will use to teach me what I need to know, and give me the opportunity to prove myself and act on my faith. It sucks and I don't know if my marriage will last and I don't know if ours will be an eternal marriage, but I have hope that it will. I have hope that I will see my Father in Heaven and my Savior again.

"So Am I"

Last night B and I had a long conversation about the state of our marriage, the recent lies, and how we are feeling. It was a tough conversation. Neither of us really know where to go from here. The basics, as I understand them, are:

1) I expect transparency
2) He does not feel transparency is healthy for me, him, or us
3) I can't force his honesty and I don't trust him to give it now

By the end of the conversation we were both pretty emotionally raw.  I told him I'm scared of what rock-bottom will look like if he hasn't yet reached it. I'm scared of him choosing porn over his family and either leaving us, or making it bad enough that I choose to leave him. When we were basically done I said, "I'm worth it, you know." To which he responded, "So am I."

My knee-jerk thought was "That's not what I meant! I meant I'M WORTH FIGHTING FOR! I'm worth going through the work to OVERCOME YOUR ADDICTION!" I am. I am worth all the work it would take him to get sober and find recovery. However, he's walking a line trying to have both because he loves porn too. His response caught me off-guard because I'm not addicted. What was "it" that he was talking about?

I went to bed sobbing over the state of our relationship and pondering what he meant. The more I think about it, the more it pulls at my heart strings. He is worth fighting for too. I know this for lots of reasons but first and foremost is that the Savior already decided B was worth it. The Savior would have atoned and taken the weight of all the pain, and sin, and heartache, and suffering just for B and the Savior would have died just for B. B is worth it. B is worth the fight against the influence of the adversary when he tempts me to be angry, to be selfish, to be indignant and vengeful. I'm not saying that I believe in being an enabler, because that is not what the Savior is. But I believe that B is worth my time and energy and efforts to become more Christ-like that I might do my part to make our marriage work. B was just a boy, with a working mother, an absentee father, and late-night television commercials, who got sucked in.

I don't know why the Lord saw fit to guide me to him and to confirm my desire to marry B. I do know this trial has already made me more compassionate, more sensitive to things of the spirit, and more understanding of the sacred nature of the sexual relationship between a man and spouse. I know that my relationship with my Savior has grown more deep, and loving, and full because of this trial. If I do my part it will continue to do that. If I do my part, maybe, just maybe, I'll end up with an eternal marriage to B. Either way, if I do my part, I will gain my own eternal salvation and all that was lost will be restored and I will be able to return to my Father in Heaven and have him declare me a good a faithful servant.

When the anger was taken from me while I taught Sunday School

I am a Sunday School teacher for the youth in our ward. There are about a dozen and I enjoy my calling very much.

Last Saturday, after a week of arguing with myself over whether to ask or not, I asked B about pornography. For a week I had thought that he had probably acted out simply because it was "time" in his cycle but since he had been so good for six months at coming to me within 24 hours I kept telling myself I should just trust him. Well, again I learn I should have listened to my gut. B told me he had acted out several times the previous week and had decided not to tell me.

The anger didn't boil up right away. I recently read that we too often listen to respond rather than listen to understand and I didn't want to do that. So I listened to him to understand and didn't react or respond much. By the time I was going to bed that night the anger was overcoming me. How could he LIE to me for a week? And I felt he was still hiding behind vague answers during that conversation. What am I supposed to do? I have boundaries in place, and B slept on the couch that night. What do I do if I don't know when he is looking at pornography? Don't get me wrong, we've been down that road before but I feel that I've come so far in my own recovery and I am no longer willing to accept a life of ignoring the elephant in the room. Since B doesn't want to acknowledge when the elephant walks over to the bed from the corner I'm not sure what boundaries should be in place. It is something I'll have to think and pray about.

Anyway, I woke up Sunday still pretty mad and hurt. We didn't speak much or touch at all. As I was teaching my Sunday School lesson the tears were so close to the surface. The lesson went okay, but was not anything to write home about. At the end I took about five minutes to bear my testimony of the Savior and all the sudden I just felt the spirit envelop me very strongly. As I spoke of Him, the miracle of His birth, His ministry, and His infinite atonement I was touched. And in those five minutes Heavenly Father granted me the blessing of removing the anger from my heart and filling it with peace.

When I saw B to take our son for third hour so B could teach I finally spoke to him. I put my hand on his cheek and just said "I love you" and I knew he could feel that I meant it.

It never fails to amaze me how infinite the atonement of our Savior is. When I turn to Him, He will remove the anger from my heart. He will fill me with peace, and guidance, and love. During sacrament meeting I just kept thinking that I will end up being cheated on (meaning with a real-live woman) and by third hour I just had peace that it will all work out. It might not look like I want it to, but it will all be okay if I keep my relationship with my Savior intact and nurtured.

Hold Fast to What You Already Know

In my prayers this weekend this has come to my mind, and the talk it is from. My mind was full of fuzz and confusion and I couldn't seem to sort it out. So I started with what I knew. Elder Holland taught (See his talk "Lord, I believe") that we should start with our belief. It is powerful. It is powerful just starting with stating some things you know to be true and going from there.

I know that God lives. I know that Jesus Christ lives. I know that the Holy Ghost works with God the Father and His son Jesus Christ to teach all of us here on earth, and comfort us, and help us along our journey. I know that I am a daughter of the God. He knows me, He loves me. My Savior knows the pain I feel. He knows the emptiness I feel. He knows the joys I feel. He knows how full my heart is when I see my son smile at me or wrap his tiny chubby arms around my neck. I think he gave me a son to heal my heart a little. I think he gave me a son to restore my faith in the male gender and to understand a little more that my husband is a son too. And there is a mother who once had her whole life light up when her first child, her little boy, smiled at her and wrapped his arms around her neck. He was once her whole world just like my son is mine. I know that Heavenly Father wants me to be with Him again, to gain eternal salvation, to be changed by this life for the better. So maybe, just maybe, the pain I feel has a purpose. It is my duty to seek and discover that purpose and be changed. To be better, more kind, more patient, more loving, more Christ-like.

Step One - Part 5

This post is part of my step work through the "Healing Through Christ Manual" in which I answer the questions presented at the end of each step to work my way through what was taught. The "Healing Through Christ" manual can be downloaded for free at healingthroughchrist.org.

FINDING OUR OWN RECOVERY AND FACING ADVERSITY

Letting Go of Those Not In Recovery

1. How does the bridge analogy help me understand how to begin my healing journey? How might it apply to my addicted loved one? Other family members?

This analogy helps me begin my journey because I realize there is a place of hope and healing. There is a place of warmth. I am allowed to be there even in my spouse doesn't decide to come with me. It is right for me to be there if I choose to make the trek across the bridge. This analogy also helps show how me working on me can help others (including my spouse) see that there is hope and healing and a warm and happy place possible. I can't know the difficulties associated with my addicted loved one's journey across this bridge but just maybe living the example will help him understand it is possible.

2. How does Helamen 3:29-30 apply this same concept?

      29 Yea, we see that whosoever will may lay hold upon the word of God, which is quick and powerful, which shall divide asunder all the cunning and the snares and the wiles of the devil, and lead the man of Christ in a strait and narrow course across that everlasting gulf of misery which is prepared to engulf the wicked—

       30 And land their souls, yea, their immortal souls, at the right hand of God in the kingdom of heaven, to sit down with Abraham, and Isaac, and with Jacob, and with all our holy fathers, to go no more out.

These scriptures give me so much hope! I want to sit down with Abraham and Isaac and Jacob. I want to sit down with Joseph and Brigham. I want to sit at the right hand of God. I want to see through the wiles of the devil. I want to avoid the everlasting gulf of misery. Also, the word of God is quick and powerful. So it is there waiting for me, I will get results quickly and they will be powerful enough to make a difference. 

Trials stimulate my growth and understanding

1. How might Elder Scott's explanation and counsel (page 16) be applied to this trial of having a loved one in addiction?

Elder Scott beautifully explains that when we are facing adversity that has not been brought upon our heads by our own actions it means the "Lord feels you are prepared to grow more." I like this. I've heard that we aren't given a trial we can't handle with Christ's help but this counsel goes a step further. The adversity has a purpose, a silver lining, a point. It is not just something to get through - it is something to relish and to use and to take advantage of. I want to grow! Elder Orson F. Whitney said, "...it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we came here to acquire." (page 7). I want to gain the education I came here to acquire. If I don't then what a waste! I've spent all this time apart from my Father in Heaven in order to gain eternal salvation, knowledge, an EDUCATION. If I fail to gain the light and knowledge available to me through trial and tribulation and navigating adversity successfully and I return to my Father in Heaven unable to live with Him forever it will have been an opportunity wasted. I've already gained so much through this trial and I hope to gain much more.

Opportunities for growth and learning

1. What can I learn from this experience? How can it become an opportunity to gain knowledge and wisdom that will benefit my life now and in the future? How can focusing on my own recovery change my life for the better? How can changing my life influence those around me in a positive way?

I can learn so much. I think I can gain a deeper understanding of the atonement. I can gain a sweeter relationship with my Savior. I can learn patience. I can learn to trust God. I can learn to love myself and to understand that I am a Daughter of the Most High. Most importantly I can learn charity in ways that I don't currently understand this most important attribute. All these things can be learned through the spirit - as I traverse the struggles, and battle Satan's lies and influence. As I seek the guidance of my Savior diligently he will unfold His mysteries unto me and will bless me with these characteristics in greater portion than I can currently fathom. Focusing on my own recovery will make me a better person, a happier person, a more functional person, and a more successful person. It will make me a better and more willing servant to my Savior and my fellow men. I will be a more able and understanding instrument in His hands. I will be able to affect more change, to touch more people, and to share the gospel with more clarity and conviction. I want this. I'm excited for the opportunity to so drastically change myself and I'm so grateful for the tools like this workbook, books, friends, and the scriptures and words of living apostles that can help me take full advantage of the opportunity.