This past Sunday the theme of the remarks in our sacrament meeting was "The Word of Wisdom."
One speaker who is new to the area got up and gave a great talk about the word of wisdom. He included that he struggled with drug and alcohol addiction as a teenager and young twenties and that although that is not longer a struggle for him, he struggles with pornography addiction and still attends the ARP meetings. He even gave a plug for them with the local time and location of the meeting. WHAT! In a congregation full of people he doesn't know but whom he will continue to see as he just moved here, he admitted to being an addict - to having more than one addiction! His delivery of this information and the other thoughts and insights he shared was humble, honest, transparent, and genuine. It wasn't the most profound talk or the most articulate or moving but I was moved simply by his humility. It was SHAME BUSTING! You go dude!
My husband, who has seen this guy at group and knew of his pornography addiction but not the drugs and alcohol, was grinning from ear to ear in happiness at the shame-busting nature of the words being spoken. He (hubs) took notes and said he gleaned a lot of good, applicable insights.
I'm sure there were people in the congregation who weren't pleased with the speaker's candor, but I was. Everyone I spoke to about the talk (about half a dozen people) were all pleased as well and loved his remarks and were refreshed by his honesty. Isn't that so great!
I know there is a long way to go, but little by little the shaming culture can be removed from our lives and replaced with an honest, understanding, genuine culture that knows nobody is perfect and we are all trying.
The talk included a great quote from President Uchtdorf:
"Don't judge me because I sin differently than you" (April 2012 General Conference)
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
Friday, January 29, 2016
Hard Work
Recovery is hard work and healing is hard work. Hubs and I are both engaged is a battle of whether or not we are willing to work harder than the adversary to win our souls.
When I was single I had a list, like most people, of things I was looking for in a spouse. I was looking for a family man, smart, funny, spiritual, and especially a hard worker. My parents taught me that marriage is worth it but it is work. I've seen many marriages end and I wanted to do all in my power to set myself up for success. I believed if I married someone who worked hard not only at a career but at their goals, their spirituality, and their family life then he would work hard on our marriage too.
For years I thought I had misjudged and my husband wasn't willing to do the work necessary to recover and to work on our marriage. This year I've changed my mind. There is still SO MUCH MORE to do for him and me and us but he is working on it.
Nearly a year ago, maybe 11 months, we hit rock bottom in our marriage. He was convinced he hated me, that I hated him, and he couldn't be happy with me, that he was worthless, and that there wasn't hope for us. It was a tough thing to hear. I had suggested therapy a month beforehand but he hadn't said anything. Then after he spilled out how much he didn't love me or want to be married to me he said he thought we should go to therapy. I said okay and we had an appointment within a couple weeks.
I think that if I didn't have a hard worker then when the love was gone he would've left. I think if I didn't have a hard worker then he wouldn't have thrown himself into all the recovery steps he'd been working to avoid for so long. I think if I didn't have a hard worker then he wouldn't have and be continuing to take our therapy seriously, be open in therapy, and apply the advice of our therapist. If I didn't have a hard worker he wouldn't be working with his sponsor so closely on how to change his heart, not just his behavior. If I didn't have a hard worker i don't think I'd still be married. Today, even though we have so long to go, I am so grateful that he's willing to keep up the hard work. Satan isn't going to win his battle for my husband or for our marriage. That is what I believe today.
When I was single I had a list, like most people, of things I was looking for in a spouse. I was looking for a family man, smart, funny, spiritual, and especially a hard worker. My parents taught me that marriage is worth it but it is work. I've seen many marriages end and I wanted to do all in my power to set myself up for success. I believed if I married someone who worked hard not only at a career but at their goals, their spirituality, and their family life then he would work hard on our marriage too.
For years I thought I had misjudged and my husband wasn't willing to do the work necessary to recover and to work on our marriage. This year I've changed my mind. There is still SO MUCH MORE to do for him and me and us but he is working on it.
Nearly a year ago, maybe 11 months, we hit rock bottom in our marriage. He was convinced he hated me, that I hated him, and he couldn't be happy with me, that he was worthless, and that there wasn't hope for us. It was a tough thing to hear. I had suggested therapy a month beforehand but he hadn't said anything. Then after he spilled out how much he didn't love me or want to be married to me he said he thought we should go to therapy. I said okay and we had an appointment within a couple weeks.
I think that if I didn't have a hard worker then when the love was gone he would've left. I think if I didn't have a hard worker then he wouldn't have thrown himself into all the recovery steps he'd been working to avoid for so long. I think if I didn't have a hard worker then he wouldn't have and be continuing to take our therapy seriously, be open in therapy, and apply the advice of our therapist. If I didn't have a hard worker he wouldn't be working with his sponsor so closely on how to change his heart, not just his behavior. If I didn't have a hard worker i don't think I'd still be married. Today, even though we have so long to go, I am so grateful that he's willing to keep up the hard work. Satan isn't going to win his battle for my husband or for our marriage. That is what I believe today.
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
What's my next move? I have OPTIONS.
On a forum I participate in, I shared that I recently caught my husband in a lie. One friend asked me, "What is your next move?" (thank you Daisy!)
It let me come up with more specifics about what I was going to do and articulate more clearly what my actions are going to be moving forward. Much of what I listed were things relating to old boundaries, and habits that I know bring me peace. The wonderful thing about this exercise was the reminder that I HAVE OPTIONS!
We, all of us, have options. We might be powerless over the addiction and we are powerless over the actions of others but we still have lots of power. We have power over ourselves and our actions and our choices. I have options. I am not trapped. I feel trapped sometimes and my options aren't necessarily ideal, but I do have options and I can help make myself safe and whole.
Isn't it beautiful that we have power that can't be taken from us? Isn't it so wonderful that our Heavenly Father gave us agency, and that this agency can not be taken from us? As I have worked recovery, been to therapy, worked steps, learned from women wiser than myself, and relied on the Savior, I've found more confidence in myself and my ability to make good decisions. I've discovered more of the options that are always before me.
My options aren't ideal. My husband has been caught in a lie and there is fall-out to deal with, but it can be dealt with and I have tools and I have options.
I am woman. Hear me roar. :)
It let me come up with more specifics about what I was going to do and articulate more clearly what my actions are going to be moving forward. Much of what I listed were things relating to old boundaries, and habits that I know bring me peace. The wonderful thing about this exercise was the reminder that I HAVE OPTIONS!
We, all of us, have options. We might be powerless over the addiction and we are powerless over the actions of others but we still have lots of power. We have power over ourselves and our actions and our choices. I have options. I am not trapped. I feel trapped sometimes and my options aren't necessarily ideal, but I do have options and I can help make myself safe and whole.
Isn't it beautiful that we have power that can't be taken from us? Isn't it so wonderful that our Heavenly Father gave us agency, and that this agency can not be taken from us? As I have worked recovery, been to therapy, worked steps, learned from women wiser than myself, and relied on the Savior, I've found more confidence in myself and my ability to make good decisions. I've discovered more of the options that are always before me.
My options aren't ideal. My husband has been caught in a lie and there is fall-out to deal with, but it can be dealt with and I have tools and I have options.
I am woman. Hear me roar. :)
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Dreams
In my life bad dreams have been few and far between. I attribute this to a sweet learning experience when I had a nightmare as a child and my father encouraged me to pray for no more bad dreams. I did, they went away, I didn't have a bad dream for about 15 years. Sometimes I still pray for no bad dreams, and no spiders in my bed.
Trauma is real though so bad dreams have returned to my life on an infrequent basis. About once a month of so I'll dream something to do with the addiciton - he acted out, he cheated, I had to escape sex trafficking, and things like that. I wake up angry, or sad, and restless and ill-as-ease. It is still crazy to me that something we dream can have such a profound effect on our waking hours.
Last week I had a pretty bad dream. I was mostly useless during the day because it triggered some pretty severe sadness over what my husband has seen and it triggered some body-image woes. I read my scriptures, I napped, I tried to numb with reading and television. Through the whole day my husband, who knew only that I'd had a bad dream, was patient, and just let me have space without reacting to my melancholy or taking it personally.
To me, this is evidence of change and recovery in his life and mine. I didn't lash out in my sadness and anger and he didn't lash out at my detachment. When I told him about the dream and the subsequent emotions he listened, validated, and comforted, and opened up about some of his own fears and insecurities that he had been facing for a little while. It was a beautiful evening after a wretched day.
It is evidence of the power of the atonement. Our fears, and our sadness, and our despair can all be wrapped up in the love and atonement of our Savior and replaced with peace, hope, and love. Recovery, the 12 steps, thearpy, it has all helped to to better and more quickly apply the healing balm of the atonement in my life and for that I am grateful.
Trauma is real though so bad dreams have returned to my life on an infrequent basis. About once a month of so I'll dream something to do with the addiciton - he acted out, he cheated, I had to escape sex trafficking, and things like that. I wake up angry, or sad, and restless and ill-as-ease. It is still crazy to me that something we dream can have such a profound effect on our waking hours.
Last week I had a pretty bad dream. I was mostly useless during the day because it triggered some pretty severe sadness over what my husband has seen and it triggered some body-image woes. I read my scriptures, I napped, I tried to numb with reading and television. Through the whole day my husband, who knew only that I'd had a bad dream, was patient, and just let me have space without reacting to my melancholy or taking it personally.
To me, this is evidence of change and recovery in his life and mine. I didn't lash out in my sadness and anger and he didn't lash out at my detachment. When I told him about the dream and the subsequent emotions he listened, validated, and comforted, and opened up about some of his own fears and insecurities that he had been facing for a little while. It was a beautiful evening after a wretched day.
It is evidence of the power of the atonement. Our fears, and our sadness, and our despair can all be wrapped up in the love and atonement of our Savior and replaced with peace, hope, and love. Recovery, the 12 steps, thearpy, it has all helped to to better and more quickly apply the healing balm of the atonement in my life and for that I am grateful.
Monday, June 22, 2015
Cautiously Optimistic - Recovery Efforts
The past 5 days:
Wednesday: Morning disclosure. He acted out twice the day before. I am so tired of this cycle. I'm so tired of this addiction. I am weary. He's still sleeping on the couch from our blow up two weeks prior. Staying on the couch.
Thursday: Therapy. He was taking lots of notes... hmm... We left and he says he wished he had a recorder because there is so much he wants to remember and so much work to do. What? He does a phone SA meeting That hasn't happened in forever, I guess therapy was good for him today. He tells me about the meeting. He is volunteering information that brings up his addiction outside of our weekly check-in, things are getting weird now. He gets mad at me for interrupting him and pouts like a child with his arms folded, shoulders tight, scowl apparent. He then storms out saying "I'm going to go call my contact!" and returns 20 minutes later with a complete attitude 180 and asks to help prep dinner Thank goodness for the mystery "contact"! I can't believe he only pouted for 5 minutes before seeking help.
Friday: We are having fun together. This is strange. He brings up other recovery/addiction related stuff and thoughts. We might be in a danger zone of actually talking about this for three days in a row - who is this man, what has he done with my predictable, avoid-happy husband? He calls his psuedo sponsor again this evening. He participates in another SA phone meeting. He comes back to bed that night, and I am not anxious or angry at all.
Saturday: We work well together to arrange our Saturday schedule with work, friends, obligations, chores. First Saturday in months that he doesn't just do his own thing leaving me with the kid nearly the whole day. He calls his pseudo sponsor again. I think I like him! Am I really flirting with him? So fun! I like this whole effort thing that he is trying on for size.
Sunday: It's father's day. I wake up to him participating in another SA phone meeting. He gets the kid ready for church. Church is good. He helps make dinner. He calls his pseudo sponsor. He has time to take a nap. I go upstairs after a couple hours and catch him watching "Helping Her Heal" for the first time, and taking notes. What on earth! On FATHER'S day he has given me a great day and has done tons to work on recovery. This man, whoever he is, is pretty awesome! I hope it sticks. I go to bed before him
Monday morning: He came to bed really late after playing video games. My happy bubble has been slightly punctured. I feel a twinge of detachment and fear. I am reminded that our recoveries are separate and that he has a long way to go.
I share this because I have never seen him take so much initiative in his own recovery. Ever. He is calling his friend every day, even on good days. I am choosing to life in this moment and enjoy and have hope rather than focusing on just how much work he has to do and that I am sure I haven't had my last disclosure. This is the mad I thought I had married all those years ago. He is kind and affectionate and helpful and super fun and funny. He is actually trying. This is what trying looks like. Although my actions haven't changed at all he is more open with me, more trusting, and has found good qualities in me. If this is what recovery looks like I am ALL IN. I am in love today. Who would have thought that I'd fall more and more in love because my husband has started calling someone I've never meet every evening - even putting off enjoyable activities to participate in his calls.
Wednesday: Morning disclosure. He acted out twice the day before. I am so tired of this cycle. I'm so tired of this addiction. I am weary. He's still sleeping on the couch from our blow up two weeks prior. Staying on the couch.
Thursday: Therapy. He was taking lots of notes... hmm... We left and he says he wished he had a recorder because there is so much he wants to remember and so much work to do. What? He does a phone SA meeting That hasn't happened in forever, I guess therapy was good for him today. He tells me about the meeting. He is volunteering information that brings up his addiction outside of our weekly check-in, things are getting weird now. He gets mad at me for interrupting him and pouts like a child with his arms folded, shoulders tight, scowl apparent. He then storms out saying "I'm going to go call my contact!" and returns 20 minutes later with a complete attitude 180 and asks to help prep dinner Thank goodness for the mystery "contact"! I can't believe he only pouted for 5 minutes before seeking help.
Friday: We are having fun together. This is strange. He brings up other recovery/addiction related stuff and thoughts. We might be in a danger zone of actually talking about this for three days in a row - who is this man, what has he done with my predictable, avoid-happy husband? He calls his psuedo sponsor again this evening. He participates in another SA phone meeting. He comes back to bed that night, and I am not anxious or angry at all.
Saturday: We work well together to arrange our Saturday schedule with work, friends, obligations, chores. First Saturday in months that he doesn't just do his own thing leaving me with the kid nearly the whole day. He calls his pseudo sponsor again. I think I like him! Am I really flirting with him? So fun! I like this whole effort thing that he is trying on for size.
Sunday: It's father's day. I wake up to him participating in another SA phone meeting. He gets the kid ready for church. Church is good. He helps make dinner. He calls his pseudo sponsor. He has time to take a nap. I go upstairs after a couple hours and catch him watching "Helping Her Heal" for the first time, and taking notes. What on earth! On FATHER'S day he has given me a great day and has done tons to work on recovery. This man, whoever he is, is pretty awesome! I hope it sticks. I go to bed before him
Monday morning: He came to bed really late after playing video games. My happy bubble has been slightly punctured. I feel a twinge of detachment and fear. I am reminded that our recoveries are separate and that he has a long way to go.
I share this because I have never seen him take so much initiative in his own recovery. Ever. He is calling his friend every day, even on good days. I am choosing to life in this moment and enjoy and have hope rather than focusing on just how much work he has to do and that I am sure I haven't had my last disclosure. This is the mad I thought I had married all those years ago. He is kind and affectionate and helpful and super fun and funny. He is actually trying. This is what trying looks like. Although my actions haven't changed at all he is more open with me, more trusting, and has found good qualities in me. If this is what recovery looks like I am ALL IN. I am in love today. Who would have thought that I'd fall more and more in love because my husband has started calling someone I've never meet every evening - even putting off enjoyable activities to participate in his calls.
Monday, June 8, 2015
One Step Back, Two Baby Steps Forward: Part III
So, for the final baby step of the big step back and two steps forward we go to The Lion King.
We watched it with our son and we both had moments, for very different reasons. I might talk more about what I found in it in another post. B was very touched by the part where Mufasa appears in the stars and reminds Simba who he is. See the scene below.
On Sunday we were discussing our days and B indicated he is on a spiritual high and that he feels he is on the cusp of a change in perspective about his worth. I think he is so close to believing he has individual worth, because it is his birthright. It is something that contradicts nearly everything he has been taught to believe about himself so that knowledge will not come easily. The adversary will be putting up a big fight in B's journey to that part of his testimony. I hope he gets there though. His baby steps toward that knowledge is encouraging because I really feel it would change a lot. It would give him hope where he previously hasn't had any because he has such incredibly low self-esteem and such a low sense of worth.
This makes me grateful for the Young Women values. I had lessons on individual worth all through my teenage years. I might not have let it all sink in, and I have had my struggles. But I had the vocabulary, I had the lessons in the back on my mind somewhere, I have the theme to fall back on. As I have found more of my own confidence in my recovery journey I have changed for the better. I have become less willing to have things in my life that detract from the spirit. I have found my voice more. I have hopes that as B works to discover his self-worth he will have some of the same benefits.
This is a hard place. After such a huge blow up, and the feelings of being unsafe and all the emotional and verbal abuse it is hard to be in a good space. His honesty in the past few days and his efforts to keep out the spiritual and to dig deeper into himself have been baby steps in the right direction. I feel that these are not fake moments, but I also know that the spiritual high will come down. The temptations will return. The long-practiced patterns of blaming, abusing will still be the default so there is lots of work to be done.
For now, I'm glad he seems to be really trying to do the work. I have said, in no uncertain terms, that I will not be physically trapped again. I will not be fearful for my safety. If there is a next time he will be moving out, because it is just not ok at all. We slept in the same bed last night but today we both agreed that it was too soon and we will be sleeping apart for at least another week. I still feel raw. I am so hurt and betrayed. I feel weak and afraid. I feel sad and abused. I feel calm and hopeful. None of it makes sense but I have decided to just have confidence in myself and my ability to just live in the moment. If the moment is hopeful I am giving myself permission to have hope. If the moment is happy I am giving myself permission to be happy with B. If the moment is sad then I have permission to just be sad. If the moment is raw and emotional then I give myself permission to be raw, to require space, to want hugs, to want distance, to express myself or to keep it to myself to stay safe. I just am allowed to feel whatever I feel and do whatever is right for that moment, for that day.
In this moment I have hope and I have very real trauma to work through and that is okay. I am a daughter of God and with that comes power to overcome this trauma.
We watched it with our son and we both had moments, for very different reasons. I might talk more about what I found in it in another post. B was very touched by the part where Mufasa appears in the stars and reminds Simba who he is. See the scene below.
On Sunday we were discussing our days and B indicated he is on a spiritual high and that he feels he is on the cusp of a change in perspective about his worth. I think he is so close to believing he has individual worth, because it is his birthright. It is something that contradicts nearly everything he has been taught to believe about himself so that knowledge will not come easily. The adversary will be putting up a big fight in B's journey to that part of his testimony. I hope he gets there though. His baby steps toward that knowledge is encouraging because I really feel it would change a lot. It would give him hope where he previously hasn't had any because he has such incredibly low self-esteem and such a low sense of worth.
This makes me grateful for the Young Women values. I had lessons on individual worth all through my teenage years. I might not have let it all sink in, and I have had my struggles. But I had the vocabulary, I had the lessons in the back on my mind somewhere, I have the theme to fall back on. As I have found more of my own confidence in my recovery journey I have changed for the better. I have become less willing to have things in my life that detract from the spirit. I have found my voice more. I have hopes that as B works to discover his self-worth he will have some of the same benefits.
This is a hard place. After such a huge blow up, and the feelings of being unsafe and all the emotional and verbal abuse it is hard to be in a good space. His honesty in the past few days and his efforts to keep out the spiritual and to dig deeper into himself have been baby steps in the right direction. I feel that these are not fake moments, but I also know that the spiritual high will come down. The temptations will return. The long-practiced patterns of blaming, abusing will still be the default so there is lots of work to be done.
For now, I'm glad he seems to be really trying to do the work. I have said, in no uncertain terms, that I will not be physically trapped again. I will not be fearful for my safety. If there is a next time he will be moving out, because it is just not ok at all. We slept in the same bed last night but today we both agreed that it was too soon and we will be sleeping apart for at least another week. I still feel raw. I am so hurt and betrayed. I feel weak and afraid. I feel sad and abused. I feel calm and hopeful. None of it makes sense but I have decided to just have confidence in myself and my ability to just live in the moment. If the moment is hopeful I am giving myself permission to have hope. If the moment is happy I am giving myself permission to be happy with B. If the moment is sad then I have permission to just be sad. If the moment is raw and emotional then I give myself permission to be raw, to require space, to want hugs, to want distance, to express myself or to keep it to myself to stay safe. I just am allowed to feel whatever I feel and do whatever is right for that moment, for that day.
In this moment I have hope and I have very real trauma to work through and that is okay. I am a daughter of God and with that comes power to overcome this trauma.
One Step Back, Two Baby Steps Forward: Part II
The Big Step Back happened on a Thursday evening/Friday morning. This is a post about the first baby step forward.
Friday evening we tried to talk again. Saturday was full of family events and a double date that we had planned so we wanted to at least attempt to be able to have cordial conversation since we wouldn't be able to ignore each other.
It went semi-okay. Toward the end it got more tense as B tried to explain that he just wants the "issue" to be separate from our relationship and that he felt like I kept trying to mush them together. I told him that there isn't a separation because the "issue" directly affects our relationship and our relationship will not be fixed the "issue" is still there. He argued some more and eventually said something along the lines of "I just want to get past this and have a good marriage" and I said, VERY FIRMLY "Then STOP looking at porn" to which he shut down the conversation and said it was over.
I left.
I felt completely empty and alone and like there was nothing left. I went to my room, alone, and cried in the dark. I prayed and begged Heavenly Father for help with the hurt. The weight of all the times he's masturbated and viewed pornography and lusted after women real and pixelated was too much.
B heard me crying and came in. I wanted him there, to see the hurt, to make it better, but I wanted him gone, to leave me be, to not hurt me anymore. He stood in the doorway as I was crouching against the opposite wall.
He had a breakthrough. Thursday in therapy our therapist introduced the topic of co-dependency to us. I have a pretty solid understanding of what this is and have been working on my own codependency for a while but B had never heard of it. (I gave up trying to teach him stuff like this a while ago). B, in the doorway, told me that he feels like he needs to stop looking to me for his happiness and start finding another source. He said it was similar to an incident a couple years ago where he really did have an epiphany and change a big part of his behavior with his family. He felt the same about whatever was going on inside him in that moment. He saw the flawed system of being wholly dependent on me for his happiness - it wasn't working. I was proud of him in that moment. I was still totally injured and broken, but I saw a glimmer of hope in him that I have not seen before. Something stuck, in his heart, that could mean big things for him and for us.
For an addict to see and acknowledge such a flaw in himself was a step in the right direction. We still are sleeping apart, but there is hope.
Friday evening we tried to talk again. Saturday was full of family events and a double date that we had planned so we wanted to at least attempt to be able to have cordial conversation since we wouldn't be able to ignore each other.
It went semi-okay. Toward the end it got more tense as B tried to explain that he just wants the "issue" to be separate from our relationship and that he felt like I kept trying to mush them together. I told him that there isn't a separation because the "issue" directly affects our relationship and our relationship will not be fixed the "issue" is still there. He argued some more and eventually said something along the lines of "I just want to get past this and have a good marriage" and I said, VERY FIRMLY "Then STOP looking at porn" to which he shut down the conversation and said it was over.
I left.
I felt completely empty and alone and like there was nothing left. I went to my room, alone, and cried in the dark. I prayed and begged Heavenly Father for help with the hurt. The weight of all the times he's masturbated and viewed pornography and lusted after women real and pixelated was too much.
B heard me crying and came in. I wanted him there, to see the hurt, to make it better, but I wanted him gone, to leave me be, to not hurt me anymore. He stood in the doorway as I was crouching against the opposite wall.
He had a breakthrough. Thursday in therapy our therapist introduced the topic of co-dependency to us. I have a pretty solid understanding of what this is and have been working on my own codependency for a while but B had never heard of it. (I gave up trying to teach him stuff like this a while ago). B, in the doorway, told me that he feels like he needs to stop looking to me for his happiness and start finding another source. He said it was similar to an incident a couple years ago where he really did have an epiphany and change a big part of his behavior with his family. He felt the same about whatever was going on inside him in that moment. He saw the flawed system of being wholly dependent on me for his happiness - it wasn't working. I was proud of him in that moment. I was still totally injured and broken, but I saw a glimmer of hope in him that I have not seen before. Something stuck, in his heart, that could mean big things for him and for us.
For an addict to see and acknowledge such a flaw in himself was a step in the right direction. We still are sleeping apart, but there is hope.
Friday, May 22, 2015
Tender Mercy - My hurt was important to someone
Last time we left therapy I shared with B how it was good, but generally I don't find it helpful for me. We have, to this point, solely focused on B and his addiction. Don't get me wrong, I think that is incredibly important. I SHOULD be that way. But the consequence is that I don't talk or get talked to much.
I feel that I have a pretty solid foundation, and with the wonderful communities of WoPAs I am a part of online I have many resources to learn and grow and feel validated. I have been working on being okay with my bishop and my therapist not really getting my pain. I was told 1 (or 5) too many times to support B, so I had pretty much written them both off as potential support people for my own healing.
Yesterday we returned to therapy. Our therapist started by telling us there were a couple things he wanted to do with the time the first of which was talk to me alone. We were both kind of surprised but said okay. B stepped out after a few more minutes. Then our therapist told me he had been wanting to talk to me alone for a while to see how I am doing and give me an opportunity to fully express myself and what I am going through. He apologized that it hadn't happened sooner and said that he felt he needed to get B a few tools first because he was in dire need of them. (I agree with that). He also told me that earlier in the week he had attended a bishopric training and my bishop had spoken to him and told him that if I desired my own therapy session, separate from the couples session, that funding would be available to help me get it.
What the what!?
When my bishop asked recently how therapy was going I said it was going well, but I don't think the therapist totally understands what spouses go through and I don't talk much. I expressed that it really was going well and helpful so far despite this. The fact that he HEARD me, and went about being an instrument in the hands of the Lord to ensure that I got help in a way he couldn't offer is amazing. The fact that the therapist HEARD the bishop, and probably the spirit, and reached out to me is amazing. The fact that B was totally in support of the added session and the time taken yesterday for me during our session in amazing.
What I felt most was a warm embrace from my Savior and a reminder that I am loved, I am not forgotten, and I matter. My trial matters too, it need not be overshadowed by B's trial. It has been wonderful to feel the love from all three of these men as they followed the promptings of the spirit and shared my Savior's love for me. As WoPAs we band together and rise above and that has been such a huge support and probably the biggest factor in my healing. I will say though, having men (who have heretofore been either the cause of my pain, or just unable to understand or help at all) tell me my pain is important as well has been pretty darn great.
I feel that I have a pretty solid foundation, and with the wonderful communities of WoPAs I am a part of online I have many resources to learn and grow and feel validated. I have been working on being okay with my bishop and my therapist not really getting my pain. I was told 1 (or 5) too many times to support B, so I had pretty much written them both off as potential support people for my own healing.
Yesterday we returned to therapy. Our therapist started by telling us there were a couple things he wanted to do with the time the first of which was talk to me alone. We were both kind of surprised but said okay. B stepped out after a few more minutes. Then our therapist told me he had been wanting to talk to me alone for a while to see how I am doing and give me an opportunity to fully express myself and what I am going through. He apologized that it hadn't happened sooner and said that he felt he needed to get B a few tools first because he was in dire need of them. (I agree with that). He also told me that earlier in the week he had attended a bishopric training and my bishop had spoken to him and told him that if I desired my own therapy session, separate from the couples session, that funding would be available to help me get it.
What the what!?
When my bishop asked recently how therapy was going I said it was going well, but I don't think the therapist totally understands what spouses go through and I don't talk much. I expressed that it really was going well and helpful so far despite this. The fact that he HEARD me, and went about being an instrument in the hands of the Lord to ensure that I got help in a way he couldn't offer is amazing. The fact that the therapist HEARD the bishop, and probably the spirit, and reached out to me is amazing. The fact that B was totally in support of the added session and the time taken yesterday for me during our session in amazing.
What I felt most was a warm embrace from my Savior and a reminder that I am loved, I am not forgotten, and I matter. My trial matters too, it need not be overshadowed by B's trial. It has been wonderful to feel the love from all three of these men as they followed the promptings of the spirit and shared my Savior's love for me. As WoPAs we band together and rise above and that has been such a huge support and probably the biggest factor in my healing. I will say though, having men (who have heretofore been either the cause of my pain, or just unable to understand or help at all) tell me my pain is important as well has been pretty darn great.
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
A Game Plan - A Successful Vacation
I think I wrote about how much anxiety a pending vacation was causing me last month. As the vacation approached I asked B if he had a game plan for dealing with the potential triggers. I asked if we could make a game plan for us to meet the potential triggers and contention during the week. We agreed to be open and communicate as soon as we started to feel some contention beginning. Typically when B gets triggered he starts resenting me for something minor and becoming less patient. He agreed to not let that fester. When he is around a large group of people he tends to feel left out, which brings up negative emotions from all the way back to his childhood. Knowing we were staying a house with lots of people, and lots of adults, we decided on game plan for if he was feeling unheard an I went in very aware of trying to be inclusive and attentive. We talked calmly and did the best we could to make a safety plan to ensure our vacation is a success.
Day 2 of vacation it was put to the test. B followed through though. We were getting irritated with one another at the amusement park. For about 3 hours we were avoiding each other (hard to do) and then he snapped at me and I snapped back. He let out an exasperated scoff and then asked if we could just talk for a moment. We let the group go on ahead and bickered for 5 minutes while strangers with little kids passed us by. But, it was successful! After a few minutes of bickering we both know we WANTED to resolve the issue, and have a good day so we had to buck up, humble ourselves, and figure this out NOW. There was no waiting, our vacation depended on it. We did, we apologized, we expressed our feelings in "I" statements in stead of "you" statements. And we walked back to the group holding hands and although it took another couple hours for the emotions to totally die down, they did die down. We had a great day. We had a great WEEK. We worked hard to stay in-tune, accommodating, and communicative. The day that I started panicking by seeing what would usually be his preference I paid attention to him and to me and realized it was me, that he wasn't triggered, and I was able to surrender and move on.
The reason I wanted to share this is to say out loud, there is HOPE. We have so long to go. He isn't sober (more on what happened after vacation later). However, we are trying. We are working. We are doing so individually and together. Heavenly Father continues to help me humble myself, and see when it is me and when it isn't. I am happy to be here, where I am, married to B. The other day a friend and I were laughing about reporting things that had made us happy that involved our hubs doing things for themselves to protect themselves from triggers. Never would I have thought before marriage that I would be rejoicing over something so strange and silly, but I did rejoice, and I will continue to rejoice over things like that. Surrender, although difficult, is such a better state than trying to control something I can't control. I love my Savior. I love my husband. I have hope for my forever family. Satan will not win.
Day 2 of vacation it was put to the test. B followed through though. We were getting irritated with one another at the amusement park. For about 3 hours we were avoiding each other (hard to do) and then he snapped at me and I snapped back. He let out an exasperated scoff and then asked if we could just talk for a moment. We let the group go on ahead and bickered for 5 minutes while strangers with little kids passed us by. But, it was successful! After a few minutes of bickering we both know we WANTED to resolve the issue, and have a good day so we had to buck up, humble ourselves, and figure this out NOW. There was no waiting, our vacation depended on it. We did, we apologized, we expressed our feelings in "I" statements in stead of "you" statements. And we walked back to the group holding hands and although it took another couple hours for the emotions to totally die down, they did die down. We had a great day. We had a great WEEK. We worked hard to stay in-tune, accommodating, and communicative. The day that I started panicking by seeing what would usually be his preference I paid attention to him and to me and realized it was me, that he wasn't triggered, and I was able to surrender and move on.
The reason I wanted to share this is to say out loud, there is HOPE. We have so long to go. He isn't sober (more on what happened after vacation later). However, we are trying. We are working. We are doing so individually and together. Heavenly Father continues to help me humble myself, and see when it is me and when it isn't. I am happy to be here, where I am, married to B. The other day a friend and I were laughing about reporting things that had made us happy that involved our hubs doing things for themselves to protect themselves from triggers. Never would I have thought before marriage that I would be rejoicing over something so strange and silly, but I did rejoice, and I will continue to rejoice over things like that. Surrender, although difficult, is such a better state than trying to control something I can't control. I love my Savior. I love my husband. I have hope for my forever family. Satan will not win.
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Could this be progress? Grateful for one day at a time.
I'm not committed to calling it progress, but it is the opposite of a red flag. Maybe a white flag? A white flag to signify a tiny piece of surrendering his addiction?
As I wrote a few days ago we are trying something new - only once a week check-ins which means only talking about anything related to pornography, his addiction, my recovery, his recovery once a week. It has only been two weeks. The first week was crappy. I was mad. I was hurt. I was SO SCARED. It requires me letting go of several of my boundaries. I know this is something we aren't supposed to do - we are supposed to set boundaries and STICK TO THEM! We are supposed to not put our recovery at risk for the addict. I thought that is what I was doing (not convinced otherwise yet actually).
However, I decided to go with it because my bishop and our therapist encouraged this step. They both agreed that right now B is not in a place where he can be totally open, honest, transparent and he is not handling my transparency very well. Not my fault, but this the circumstance. I decided a while ago I am willing to do anything except forsake God to save my marriage. I believe that means I will do anything that I am prompted to do, or not prompted against by the spirit. When the whole "once a week" thing came up and the emotions came up that promise kept playing in my head. Also, I had a moment where I felt very close to the spirit and felt prompted to just go with it despite my fears, and see what happens. This need not be a permanent situation.
The first meeting was not great, but not awful, just very uninformative and short.
The second week has been a little better. I'm trying to trust God, His plan, and if this is His plan for me right now, so be it. B and I grew a little closer, and less contentious during the week because he wasn't so furious with me constantly. I relied on talking to friends, and the Healing Through Christ workbook to get the safety and transparency I want.
Then Wednesday day, the day we are supposed to have "the talk." I was nervous. We actually had a really great day, like best one in a while. I didn't want to have the talk. I didn't want it to be ruined. I had convinced myself to just not bring it up. History has shown that if I don't bring it up, he CERTAINLY won't bring it up.
Then B asked me if we could have our meeting. Okay. He said a prayer. He has to go pee or something so I squeeze in a desperate prayer. Heavenly Father, please help me handle whatever is coming. I don't think I can keep it together, please help me. inthenameofJesusChristamen.
He starts, with a disclosure. He is more specific than usual. Not in a gory details way, in an open and honest way. hmm, this is new, I like it. He answers my few questions. I ask him more about his emotional state before he acted out. He shares with me. He won't look me in the eyes, which is pretty typical behavior for him. Where is my anger? Where is my hurt? Hmm... must be one of those times where it comes later. Why do I feel so peaceful? Why do I feel so close to him? I invite him to come sit by me on the couch as we continue talking. We do. I share with him that I love him, and I give him a hug. I can tell he soaks it in like he desperately needed it. I'm grateful for a post I read the other day about how to support your addict spouse. I'm telling him about things I've learned. He's telling me about things he's learned. He just wants to sit together, and we do. I find the honesty so refreshing and it makes me feel so much closer to B. A small piece of trust has been rebuilt, not all of it, but a small piece.
I tell him he is a good man, and I believe it. He doesn't. His shame is so deeply ingrained. I am mad at his mother, but that doesn't do much good. I talk about the difference between guilt and shame. He nods and wants to believe that this applies to him, that he isn't a bad person. He doesn't believe it, but he wants to believe it.
The "talk" was so filled with vulnerability on both our parts, and honesty, that rather than being drained I am filled with love, peace, and hope. Sometimes I'm reminded that I still love B and there is hope and we have the potential to be great.
As I wrote a few days ago we are trying something new - only once a week check-ins which means only talking about anything related to pornography, his addiction, my recovery, his recovery once a week. It has only been two weeks. The first week was crappy. I was mad. I was hurt. I was SO SCARED. It requires me letting go of several of my boundaries. I know this is something we aren't supposed to do - we are supposed to set boundaries and STICK TO THEM! We are supposed to not put our recovery at risk for the addict. I thought that is what I was doing (not convinced otherwise yet actually).
However, I decided to go with it because my bishop and our therapist encouraged this step. They both agreed that right now B is not in a place where he can be totally open, honest, transparent and he is not handling my transparency very well. Not my fault, but this the circumstance. I decided a while ago I am willing to do anything except forsake God to save my marriage. I believe that means I will do anything that I am prompted to do, or not prompted against by the spirit. When the whole "once a week" thing came up and the emotions came up that promise kept playing in my head. Also, I had a moment where I felt very close to the spirit and felt prompted to just go with it despite my fears, and see what happens. This need not be a permanent situation.
The first meeting was not great, but not awful, just very uninformative and short.
The second week has been a little better. I'm trying to trust God, His plan, and if this is His plan for me right now, so be it. B and I grew a little closer, and less contentious during the week because he wasn't so furious with me constantly. I relied on talking to friends, and the Healing Through Christ workbook to get the safety and transparency I want.
Then Wednesday day, the day we are supposed to have "the talk." I was nervous. We actually had a really great day, like best one in a while. I didn't want to have the talk. I didn't want it to be ruined. I had convinced myself to just not bring it up. History has shown that if I don't bring it up, he CERTAINLY won't bring it up.
Then B asked me if we could have our meeting. Okay. He said a prayer. He has to go pee or something so I squeeze in a desperate prayer. Heavenly Father, please help me handle whatever is coming. I don't think I can keep it together, please help me. inthenameofJesusChristamen.
He starts, with a disclosure. He is more specific than usual. Not in a gory details way, in an open and honest way. hmm, this is new, I like it. He answers my few questions. I ask him more about his emotional state before he acted out. He shares with me. He won't look me in the eyes, which is pretty typical behavior for him. Where is my anger? Where is my hurt? Hmm... must be one of those times where it comes later. Why do I feel so peaceful? Why do I feel so close to him? I invite him to come sit by me on the couch as we continue talking. We do. I share with him that I love him, and I give him a hug. I can tell he soaks it in like he desperately needed it. I'm grateful for a post I read the other day about how to support your addict spouse. I'm telling him about things I've learned. He's telling me about things he's learned. He just wants to sit together, and we do. I find the honesty so refreshing and it makes me feel so much closer to B. A small piece of trust has been rebuilt, not all of it, but a small piece.
I tell him he is a good man, and I believe it. He doesn't. His shame is so deeply ingrained. I am mad at his mother, but that doesn't do much good. I talk about the difference between guilt and shame. He nods and wants to believe that this applies to him, that he isn't a bad person. He doesn't believe it, but he wants to believe it.
The "talk" was so filled with vulnerability on both our parts, and honesty, that rather than being drained I am filled with love, peace, and hope. Sometimes I'm reminded that I still love B and there is hope and we have the potential to be great.
Friday, February 13, 2015
Obedience, Hope, and Faith all in one verse!
I was reading in the Book of Mormon this morning, Alma Chapter 25 and verse 16 really spoke to me. It reads:
"Now they did not suppose that salvation came by the law of Moses; but the law of Moses did serve to strengthen their faith in Christ; and thus they did retain a hope through faith, unto eternal salvation, relaying upon the spirit of prophecy, which spake of those things to come."
This chapter is talking about the Anti-Nephi-Lehis (who were previously known as Lamanites) who have been converted to the gospel by the sons of Mosiah (you know, those trouble makers who were with Alma the Younger when he saw an angel). The Anti-Nephi-Lehis have been attacked by the Lamanites, but did not fight back because of their promise to God. Many were killed but even more were converted and joined the Anit-Nephi-Lehis. The people are industrious and striving to cling to the gospel.
I think I sometimes fall into the trap of the pharisee where I believe the salvation comes by obedience. If we follow the law, we are saved. While this can be true, it is not the whole picture and I love how this scripture expounds on it to give us a more full idea of the reason for obedience. The Anti-Nephi-Lehis were pretty wise. They followed the Law of Moses but they knew that salvation did not come by obedience alone. The purpose of the laws was to "strengthen their faith in Christ" and through their increased faith they were blessed with HOPE of eternal salvation. Faith in Christ is the important factor, it is strengthened by obedience and it leads to hope!
I want HOPE. A heart full of hope is so much better than a heart full of heartache, pain, anger, sadness, and loneliness. This scripture outlines how to have hope - be obedient and your faith will be strengthened and you'll have hope. I know the pain and heartache and trial will still come, as they did for these people who had over 1,000 of their members die at the hand of who used to be their bretheren. But they were able to retain hope.
I'm not saying this is the only way to strengthen our faith, but it surely is one of the ways and a very good way. I'm so grateful for personal revelation. I am comforted by the fact that I can seek out my own relationship with God. I don't have to go through anyone but my Savior. My relationship with Heavenly Father and my Savior is only dependent on my own choices, my willingness to obey and to open my heart and mind. We have so much power to change ourselves. Our Savior already paid the price of our eternal salvation. We have the potential to become like our Heavenly Father - truly like him! And the ONLY person that can prevent that is US. Each of us is in charge of our own destiny, truly. We have the power, we just have to decide how to use that power.
"Now they did not suppose that salvation came by the law of Moses; but the law of Moses did serve to strengthen their faith in Christ; and thus they did retain a hope through faith, unto eternal salvation, relaying upon the spirit of prophecy, which spake of those things to come."
I think I sometimes fall into the trap of the pharisee where I believe the salvation comes by obedience. If we follow the law, we are saved. While this can be true, it is not the whole picture and I love how this scripture expounds on it to give us a more full idea of the reason for obedience. The Anti-Nephi-Lehis were pretty wise. They followed the Law of Moses but they knew that salvation did not come by obedience alone. The purpose of the laws was to "strengthen their faith in Christ" and through their increased faith they were blessed with HOPE of eternal salvation. Faith in Christ is the important factor, it is strengthened by obedience and it leads to hope!
I want HOPE. A heart full of hope is so much better than a heart full of heartache, pain, anger, sadness, and loneliness. This scripture outlines how to have hope - be obedient and your faith will be strengthened and you'll have hope. I know the pain and heartache and trial will still come, as they did for these people who had over 1,000 of their members die at the hand of who used to be their bretheren. But they were able to retain hope.
I'm not saying this is the only way to strengthen our faith, but it surely is one of the ways and a very good way. I'm so grateful for personal revelation. I am comforted by the fact that I can seek out my own relationship with God. I don't have to go through anyone but my Savior. My relationship with Heavenly Father and my Savior is only dependent on my own choices, my willingness to obey and to open my heart and mind. We have so much power to change ourselves. Our Savior already paid the price of our eternal salvation. We have the potential to become like our Heavenly Father - truly like him! And the ONLY person that can prevent that is US. Each of us is in charge of our own destiny, truly. We have the power, we just have to decide how to use that power.
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Love While You Wait
Today in Sacrament meeting something one of the speakers said really touched me. She was speaking about patience and forgiveness as necessary for charity to grow.
"Patience is having love while you wait for others to grow."
My heart is so full today. I have had so many mixed feelings this week about the role of patience, love, charity, and the like in a marriage to an addict. I know about enabling, boundaries, safety, addiction, lies. I believe all those things I've learned. I also know about patience, and unconditional love, and charity, and I believe in those virtues as well. I feel it is a hard balance to strike to be patient, loving, kind, and have boundaries, and not enable, and keep yourself safe from an addict. At times the principles seem positively contradictory. I don't have all the answers. I don't even have the answers for myself.
But today I have my answer for this moment. Heavenly Father impressed upon me today that patience is having love while you wait for others to grow. For this moment, I need to work on my patience. I need to see the good. I need to focus on what IS going well rather than what isn't. I need to let God take care of B and be still. B might still destroy himself, and our family with it. But for today, for this moment, just staying and loving is what I need to work on doing.
It is hard to wait for others to grow. It is hard to be on the cutting edge of others mistakes. We have all been there, for lots of different reasons. Usually we can just minimize our exposure to those who are hurting us by not going out of our way to see them. In marriage it is more difficult because we LIVE together and are trying to have a marriage after all. Am I waiting patiently for B to grow? Am I relying on my Savior and trusting in His plan for me? Am I trusting in His plan for my son, that may or may not include married parents? Am I trusting in His plan for B? How am I showing that trust? Am I growing and learning? I am not except from the need for growth, so am I doing it? Am I evaluating myself, and asking the Lord to show me my weaknesses so that I get down to the hard work of improving myself?
I feel a bit like I am rambling. Here is my point - Christ lives. The Savior of the world lives, and loves each of us and is aware of each of us. He is aware of me and my heartache. He is aware of B and B's struggles. Today, he reminded me that He is aware of me by impressing upon my mind something that matters, something that I can apply, and something that is pertinent to my life. For me, for right now, I will work on loving B while I wait for him to grow.
"Patience is having love while you wait for others to grow."
My heart is so full today. I have had so many mixed feelings this week about the role of patience, love, charity, and the like in a marriage to an addict. I know about enabling, boundaries, safety, addiction, lies. I believe all those things I've learned. I also know about patience, and unconditional love, and charity, and I believe in those virtues as well. I feel it is a hard balance to strike to be patient, loving, kind, and have boundaries, and not enable, and keep yourself safe from an addict. At times the principles seem positively contradictory. I don't have all the answers. I don't even have the answers for myself.
But today I have my answer for this moment. Heavenly Father impressed upon me today that patience is having love while you wait for others to grow. For this moment, I need to work on my patience. I need to see the good. I need to focus on what IS going well rather than what isn't. I need to let God take care of B and be still. B might still destroy himself, and our family with it. But for today, for this moment, just staying and loving is what I need to work on doing.
It is hard to wait for others to grow. It is hard to be on the cutting edge of others mistakes. We have all been there, for lots of different reasons. Usually we can just minimize our exposure to those who are hurting us by not going out of our way to see them. In marriage it is more difficult because we LIVE together and are trying to have a marriage after all. Am I waiting patiently for B to grow? Am I relying on my Savior and trusting in His plan for me? Am I trusting in His plan for my son, that may or may not include married parents? Am I trusting in His plan for B? How am I showing that trust? Am I growing and learning? I am not except from the need for growth, so am I doing it? Am I evaluating myself, and asking the Lord to show me my weaknesses so that I get down to the hard work of improving myself?
I feel a bit like I am rambling. Here is my point - Christ lives. The Savior of the world lives, and loves each of us and is aware of each of us. He is aware of me and my heartache. He is aware of B and B's struggles. Today, he reminded me that He is aware of me by impressing upon my mind something that matters, something that I can apply, and something that is pertinent to my life. For me, for right now, I will work on loving B while I wait for him to grow.
Friday, January 30, 2015
Implementing Boundaries and The Principle of Reaping What You Sow
My last post was pretty down. I was pretty down. It was therapeutic to get it all out. I want to feel safe. I realized during the day that partly what I had done was not stick to my boundaries when the most recent lie came out. I immediately started trying to make him feel better at the expense of my own sanity. I held on for a couple days but the trauma magnified and I became lost. I lost my footing, my path, and my sanity.
There was some pretty intense praying yesterday and lots of digging deep. If I had neglected my boundaries I really needed to put some in place now to reestablish my safety zone (emotionally speaking). All the way home on my commute I was contemplating what to say to B. I decided on 2 important things - there needed to be a physical separation of sleeping apart for a time in order for me to heal more fully from my most recent betrayal and there needed to be a halt on all sex until I could trust him again.
This second one was big for me folks. It is SO OBVIOUS and everyone knows that trust must be earned back once it has been broken. We all know this. When someone shows you who they are, believe them right? B had showed me over the past couple months he was not capable of being completely truthful where his addiction is concerned. So, why, OH WHY did I keep trusting him? After each find I would take a couple days and then just trust him again. I would believe that I finally had the whole truth, and now I must really know everything. Two weeks go by and BAM, something else, on now I must really know EVERYTHING. Trust. Time. BAM - MORE HIDDEN THINGS UNCOVERED.
Well, I've lost count but maybe this time is the charm. I actually gave myself permission on the way home to NOT trust him when it comes to the addiction. I long ago stopped believing he was not going to look at porn again but for some reason I kept believing he was telling me the full extent of his addiction. I don't know why, rose colored glasses? I never gave myself permission to not trust him because I was scared that not trusting meant something dreadful. It might mean the marriage is over, or trust could never be regained, or that it is worse than I can even know. I was scared that not trusting him made me a bad wife. I wasn't giving him the benefit of the doubt or being charitable. I give myself permission to NOT trust him. I give him permission to EARN my trust back rather than have it handed to him. I told him that he must earn my trust back if he wants it. I told him sex was off the table until that point. I told him we are sleeping apart for a week for me to continue to heal from the betrayal of the lies. It didn't go well, but it could have gone worse. He reacted like an addict, who has been caught, and who doesn't want to face his own reality. This is fine, because that is the place he is in and I can't really expect more than that.
Then something wonderful happened - I felt the burden I'd been carrying around for the past while lift off my shoulders and I could almost see it land on him. The burden of trust is on the person with whom it belongs. If he behaves in a trustworthy manner I will give him my trust back, but not before he has shown efforts in behaving that way.
I know this addiction is SO MUCH for the addict. It is also SO MUCH for the spouse. I feel like he is constantly piling crap on me that I have to sort through and dig out of and clean up from (I LOVE Harriet's post about this imagery). Well, yesterday I got out of the pile and shoved ALL THAT SHIT right back on him. It is his mess to deal with, he has to deal with it. I'm doing neither of us any favors by trying to take some of his crap on myself and get buried by it. It just seemed like I was finally getting out of the way of the principle of reaping what you sow. It felt good.
The other miracle? When I got out of the way and put all that crap back on him it freed me from the chains of despair, bitterness, blame, anger, confusion, and frustration that were tying me down with much more force than I realized. (*mote and beam people*) I was so consumed I couldn't see which way was up and I didn't even know it. I was finally able to see B, and know that I had just piled a bunch of crap on him, and love him and want him to find his way out, but NOT want to rescue him from it. I was able to love him more fully and clearly because I wasn't trying to sort through stuff that wasn't mine. My negative feelings toward him dissipated completely because I finally had done what I had been directed to do for myself by the Savior and was filled with His peace and love.
I'm not saying I'm perfect and I know I won't be able to stay here forever, but I just wanted to write about it. In this moment I an content. My marriage is on the brink of disaster, my husband is in full fledged addict mode and I'm not sure if he can dig himself out any time soon, I still have that daggum rash, but I have peace. I have the companionship of the spirit of the Lord and it is sweet, and kind, and I am not alone.
There was some pretty intense praying yesterday and lots of digging deep. If I had neglected my boundaries I really needed to put some in place now to reestablish my safety zone (emotionally speaking). All the way home on my commute I was contemplating what to say to B. I decided on 2 important things - there needed to be a physical separation of sleeping apart for a time in order for me to heal more fully from my most recent betrayal and there needed to be a halt on all sex until I could trust him again.
This second one was big for me folks. It is SO OBVIOUS and everyone knows that trust must be earned back once it has been broken. We all know this. When someone shows you who they are, believe them right? B had showed me over the past couple months he was not capable of being completely truthful where his addiction is concerned. So, why, OH WHY did I keep trusting him? After each find I would take a couple days and then just trust him again. I would believe that I finally had the whole truth, and now I must really know everything. Two weeks go by and BAM, something else, on now I must really know EVERYTHING. Trust. Time. BAM - MORE HIDDEN THINGS UNCOVERED.
Well, I've lost count but maybe this time is the charm. I actually gave myself permission on the way home to NOT trust him when it comes to the addiction. I long ago stopped believing he was not going to look at porn again but for some reason I kept believing he was telling me the full extent of his addiction. I don't know why, rose colored glasses? I never gave myself permission to not trust him because I was scared that not trusting meant something dreadful. It might mean the marriage is over, or trust could never be regained, or that it is worse than I can even know. I was scared that not trusting him made me a bad wife. I wasn't giving him the benefit of the doubt or being charitable. I give myself permission to NOT trust him. I give him permission to EARN my trust back rather than have it handed to him. I told him that he must earn my trust back if he wants it. I told him sex was off the table until that point. I told him we are sleeping apart for a week for me to continue to heal from the betrayal of the lies. It didn't go well, but it could have gone worse. He reacted like an addict, who has been caught, and who doesn't want to face his own reality. This is fine, because that is the place he is in and I can't really expect more than that.
Then something wonderful happened - I felt the burden I'd been carrying around for the past while lift off my shoulders and I could almost see it land on him. The burden of trust is on the person with whom it belongs. If he behaves in a trustworthy manner I will give him my trust back, but not before he has shown efforts in behaving that way.
I know this addiction is SO MUCH for the addict. It is also SO MUCH for the spouse. I feel like he is constantly piling crap on me that I have to sort through and dig out of and clean up from (I LOVE Harriet's post about this imagery). Well, yesterday I got out of the pile and shoved ALL THAT SHIT right back on him. It is his mess to deal with, he has to deal with it. I'm doing neither of us any favors by trying to take some of his crap on myself and get buried by it. It just seemed like I was finally getting out of the way of the principle of reaping what you sow. It felt good.
The other miracle? When I got out of the way and put all that crap back on him it freed me from the chains of despair, bitterness, blame, anger, confusion, and frustration that were tying me down with much more force than I realized. (*mote and beam people*) I was so consumed I couldn't see which way was up and I didn't even know it. I was finally able to see B, and know that I had just piled a bunch of crap on him, and love him and want him to find his way out, but NOT want to rescue him from it. I was able to love him more fully and clearly because I wasn't trying to sort through stuff that wasn't mine. My negative feelings toward him dissipated completely because I finally had done what I had been directed to do for myself by the Savior and was filled with His peace and love.
I'm not saying I'm perfect and I know I won't be able to stay here forever, but I just wanted to write about it. In this moment I an content. My marriage is on the brink of disaster, my husband is in full fledged addict mode and I'm not sure if he can dig himself out any time soon, I still have that daggum rash, but I have peace. I have the companionship of the spirit of the Lord and it is sweet, and kind, and I am not alone.
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Step Two - Part 1: Spiritual Healing
As I was reading through step two there was so much that pulled at my heart, and rang true, and touched my spirit.
Yesterday I felt unsure about whether B's assurance that he hadn't acted out recently was true. I'm still not sure if it is true. So, I went snooping. I'm not proud of it really, but I just wanted to see if there was something I should know. Recently I've been led to evidence of his lies and thought maybe I'd find more. I found something from 2 full years ago so that wasn't evidence of a lie, but it wasn't fun to find either. I also found videos that weren't porn but certainly weren't appropriate that had been viewed somewhat recently but I can't tell when. It kind of threw me a little. Basically, I think he has probably been qualifying what is porn and what isn't when I ask and has deemed this type of thing not necessary to disclose. So, more evidence of lies. Yikes. This could have led me down a dark path emotionally and spiritually but for some reason although there are still emotions to process I didn't feel the kind of despair I was expecting. I fully give credit to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I've stuck, so far, to my resolution to read some scripture ever day and so yesterday I had and was fortified with the gospel of Christ against feelings of hopelessness and despair. I was able to see more clearly the choices before me of reaction versus response and I was able to go to my Heavenly Father in prayer.
A quote that really struck me in this step under the "Spiritual Healing" subtitle was one by Elder Bednar: “There is no physical pain, no anguish of soul, no suffering of spirit, no infirmity or weakness that you or I ever experience during our mortal journey that the Savior did not experience first. You and I in a moment of weakness may cry out, ‘No one understands. No one knows.’ No human being, perhaps, knows. But the Son of God perfectly knows and understands, for He felt and bore our burdens before we ever did. And because He paid the ultimate price and bore that burden, He has perfect empathy and can extend to us His arm of mercy in so many phases of our life. He can reach out, touch and succor—literally run to us—and strengthen us to be more than we could ever be and help us to do that which we could never do through relying only upon our own power.”
I pictured my Savior literally running to me as I fall to the floor in emotional and spiritual pain. I pictured Him hugging me and just understanding my pain and being concerned with just me in that moment. I know that He understands. I know that He can succor us and empathize and understand. I know that although I feel alone sometimes I am never alone unless I choose to be alone. Someday this trial will all make sense and I will see how I have been purified by the refiner's fire and been made better by my journey.
In recognition of the tender mercies of the Lord I would like to say that I went to bed unsure last night of how I would feel this morning and how I would interact with B. He chose to sleep separate because he'd stayed up late - meaning he CHOSE to adhere to a boundary that he has been disregarding about bed-time. Miracle. And this morning he gave me a big embrace and just held me, like he meant it, and he tenderly told me he loved me before I told him. That doesn't happen all that often. His tender moments aren't his forte and it just spoke to my soul that although there are things I can't trust I do know that he loves me and that Heavenly Father and my Savior love me and are aware of me. They knew I needed a little extra reassurance this morning and gave it to me without me having to bring anything up.
Yesterday I felt unsure about whether B's assurance that he hadn't acted out recently was true. I'm still not sure if it is true. So, I went snooping. I'm not proud of it really, but I just wanted to see if there was something I should know. Recently I've been led to evidence of his lies and thought maybe I'd find more. I found something from 2 full years ago so that wasn't evidence of a lie, but it wasn't fun to find either. I also found videos that weren't porn but certainly weren't appropriate that had been viewed somewhat recently but I can't tell when. It kind of threw me a little. Basically, I think he has probably been qualifying what is porn and what isn't when I ask and has deemed this type of thing not necessary to disclose. So, more evidence of lies. Yikes. This could have led me down a dark path emotionally and spiritually but for some reason although there are still emotions to process I didn't feel the kind of despair I was expecting. I fully give credit to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I've stuck, so far, to my resolution to read some scripture ever day and so yesterday I had and was fortified with the gospel of Christ against feelings of hopelessness and despair. I was able to see more clearly the choices before me of reaction versus response and I was able to go to my Heavenly Father in prayer.
A quote that really struck me in this step under the "Spiritual Healing" subtitle was one by Elder Bednar: “There is no physical pain, no anguish of soul, no suffering of spirit, no infirmity or weakness that you or I ever experience during our mortal journey that the Savior did not experience first. You and I in a moment of weakness may cry out, ‘No one understands. No one knows.’ No human being, perhaps, knows. But the Son of God perfectly knows and understands, for He felt and bore our burdens before we ever did. And because He paid the ultimate price and bore that burden, He has perfect empathy and can extend to us His arm of mercy in so many phases of our life. He can reach out, touch and succor—literally run to us—and strengthen us to be more than we could ever be and help us to do that which we could never do through relying only upon our own power.”
I pictured my Savior literally running to me as I fall to the floor in emotional and spiritual pain. I pictured Him hugging me and just understanding my pain and being concerned with just me in that moment. I know that He understands. I know that He can succor us and empathize and understand. I know that although I feel alone sometimes I am never alone unless I choose to be alone. Someday this trial will all make sense and I will see how I have been purified by the refiner's fire and been made better by my journey.
In recognition of the tender mercies of the Lord I would like to say that I went to bed unsure last night of how I would feel this morning and how I would interact with B. He chose to sleep separate because he'd stayed up late - meaning he CHOSE to adhere to a boundary that he has been disregarding about bed-time. Miracle. And this morning he gave me a big embrace and just held me, like he meant it, and he tenderly told me he loved me before I told him. That doesn't happen all that often. His tender moments aren't his forte and it just spoke to my soul that although there are things I can't trust I do know that he loves me and that Heavenly Father and my Savior love me and are aware of me. They knew I needed a little extra reassurance this morning and gave it to me without me having to bring anything up.
Monday, January 5, 2015
Happy New Year - Resolutions
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| Image from the Library of Congress (http://www.loc.gov/pictures/) |
It's a new year! I think most of us get reflective around the new year - contemplating our last year, the good, the bad, the happy and sad. We also tend to get excited at the possibility of a fresh start, a new beginning, and a renewed motivation. I'm no different and I do love setting New Year's resolutions. I've actually stuck to several in the past few years (and didn't stick to many more).
In relation to my dealing with B's addiction a LOT has changed in the past year. In the spring is when I decided enough is enough and set my first boundaries. I finally decided to just go after my own emotional health and well-being whether or not he was going to be sober or seek recovery. I read books, I joined a forum, I started a blog, I set more boundaries, I STUCK to boundaries, I talked and talked and talked, I told a friend for the first time, I reach out and met another WoPA in person (which was SO great and a source of so much strength - thank you Ashley from Memoirs of a Goddess in Training). I learned so much about the world of pornography addiction and the effects on the addict and spouse and family. I started working through the 12-steps of the Healing Through Christ manual. I feel that lots was done but I am still at the beginning of my journey. There is more healing yet to be found. On that note I've set a couple spiriutality/recovery-related resolutions:
- Read my scriptures every day. It has to be at least one verse. I've never stuck to a daily routine for longer than a month or so but it makes SUCH a big difference so I am determined!
- Work on step-work at least one every two weeks. I thought about setting the goal of finishing the steps this year but I think it shouldn't be quite so rigid. I just want to make a concerted effort to be consistent.
There is more I want to do but I believe is setting myself up for success so I'll stop there. I hope that all my WoPA sister's can find a moment of joy in their reflections of the past year and a sliver of hope as they look forward to a new year that is waiting to be filled with moments of strength, faith, and triumph.
Sunday, December 28, 2014
Today I Have Hope - An Answered Prayer
Today I have hope. My little one has been quite sick for five days. He's had a cough, fever, runny nose, and has been very lethargic. He hasn't slept well (so we haven't slept well) and wouldn't eat well. Last night B and a friend gave little man a blessing. Little Man didn't sleep well again and had a fever. This morning I asked B what the blessing said, and it indicated he would be healed. With my little baby warm against my chest and his rattling breathing the only sound I heard I sent prayers up to my Heavenly Father asking Him to heal my son today. I told Heavenly Father I knew he would be healed because of the blessing and our faith but I was asking for that to happen today, to stop his suffering, allow him to sleep and heal him please. Please. His little body cooled off within fifteen minutes. He slept for a full hour on the drive home from where we were sleeping at a friends. When he woke up he was energetic and smiling and is now happily playing in the room beside and back to getting into everything he shouldn't. I KNOW that Heavenly Father heard and answered my prayer this morning.
Heavenly Father knows each of us and loves each of us and wants to help us and heal us and most importantly wants us to learn what we need to learn in order to be with Him again someday.
I trust Heavenly Father. He knows what is best for me, for B, and for little man. He knows how we can get back to Him someday and He will not let my short-comings or B's short-comings get in the way of my son's eternal salvation. Today I have hope that the path I am on is the one the Lord intended me to be on. It is the path that he will use to teach me what I need to know, and give me the opportunity to prove myself and act on my faith. It sucks and I don't know if my marriage will last and I don't know if ours will be an eternal marriage, but I have hope that it will. I have hope that I will see my Father in Heaven and my Savior again.
Heavenly Father knows each of us and loves each of us and wants to help us and heal us and most importantly wants us to learn what we need to learn in order to be with Him again someday.
I trust Heavenly Father. He knows what is best for me, for B, and for little man. He knows how we can get back to Him someday and He will not let my short-comings or B's short-comings get in the way of my son's eternal salvation. Today I have hope that the path I am on is the one the Lord intended me to be on. It is the path that he will use to teach me what I need to know, and give me the opportunity to prove myself and act on my faith. It sucks and I don't know if my marriage will last and I don't know if ours will be an eternal marriage, but I have hope that it will. I have hope that I will see my Father in Heaven and my Savior again.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Step One - Part 5
This post is part of my step work through the "Healing Through Christ Manual" in which I answer the questions presented at the end of each step to work my way through what was taught. The "Healing Through Christ" manual can be downloaded for free at healingthroughchrist.org.
FINDING OUR OWN RECOVERY AND FACING ADVERSITY
Letting Go of Those Not In Recovery
1. How does the bridge analogy help me understand how to begin my healing journey? How might it apply to my addicted loved one? Other family members?
This analogy helps me begin my journey because I realize there is a place of hope and healing. There is a place of warmth. I am allowed to be there even in my spouse doesn't decide to come with me. It is right for me to be there if I choose to make the trek across the bridge. This analogy also helps show how me working on me can help others (including my spouse) see that there is hope and healing and a warm and happy place possible. I can't know the difficulties associated with my addicted loved one's journey across this bridge but just maybe living the example will help him understand it is possible.
2. How does Helamen 3:29-30 apply this same concept?
29 Yea, we see that whosoever will may lay hold upon the word of God, which is quick and powerful, which shall divide asunder all the cunning and the snares and the wiles of the devil, and lead the man of Christ in a strait and narrow course across that everlasting gulf of misery which is prepared to engulf the wicked—
FINDING OUR OWN RECOVERY AND FACING ADVERSITY
Letting Go of Those Not In Recovery
1. How does the bridge analogy help me understand how to begin my healing journey? How might it apply to my addicted loved one? Other family members?
This analogy helps me begin my journey because I realize there is a place of hope and healing. There is a place of warmth. I am allowed to be there even in my spouse doesn't decide to come with me. It is right for me to be there if I choose to make the trek across the bridge. This analogy also helps show how me working on me can help others (including my spouse) see that there is hope and healing and a warm and happy place possible. I can't know the difficulties associated with my addicted loved one's journey across this bridge but just maybe living the example will help him understand it is possible.
2. How does Helamen 3:29-30 apply this same concept?
29 Yea, we see that whosoever will may lay hold upon the word of God, which is quick and powerful, which shall divide asunder all the cunning and the snares and the wiles of the devil, and lead the man of Christ in a strait and narrow course across that everlasting gulf of misery which is prepared to engulf the wicked—
30 And land their souls, yea, their immortal souls, at the right hand of God in the kingdom of heaven, to sit down with Abraham, and Isaac, and with Jacob, and with all our holy fathers, to go no more out.
These scriptures give me so much hope! I want to sit down with Abraham and Isaac and Jacob. I want to sit down with Joseph and Brigham. I want to sit at the right hand of God. I want to see through the wiles of the devil. I want to avoid the everlasting gulf of misery. Also, the word of God is quick and powerful. So it is there waiting for me, I will get results quickly and they will be powerful enough to make a difference.
Trials stimulate my growth and understanding
1. How might Elder Scott's explanation and counsel (page 16) be applied to this trial of having a loved one in addiction?
Elder Scott beautifully explains that when we are facing adversity that has not been brought upon our heads by our own actions it means the "Lord feels you are prepared to grow more." I like this. I've heard that we aren't given a trial we can't handle with Christ's help but this counsel goes a step further. The adversity has a purpose, a silver lining, a point. It is not just something to get through - it is something to relish and to use and to take advantage of. I want to grow! Elder Orson F. Whitney said, "...it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we came here to acquire." (page 7). I want to gain the education I came here to acquire. If I don't then what a waste! I've spent all this time apart from my Father in Heaven in order to gain eternal salvation, knowledge, an EDUCATION. If I fail to gain the light and knowledge available to me through trial and tribulation and navigating adversity successfully and I return to my Father in Heaven unable to live with Him forever it will have been an opportunity wasted. I've already gained so much through this trial and I hope to gain much more.
Opportunities for growth and learning
1. What can I learn from this experience? How can it become an opportunity to gain knowledge and wisdom that will benefit my life now and in the future? How can focusing on my own recovery change my life for the better? How can changing my life influence those around me in a positive way?
I can learn so much. I think I can gain a deeper understanding of the atonement. I can gain a sweeter relationship with my Savior. I can learn patience. I can learn to trust God. I can learn to love myself and to understand that I am a Daughter of the Most High. Most importantly I can learn charity in ways that I don't currently understand this most important attribute. All these things can be learned through the spirit - as I traverse the struggles, and battle Satan's lies and influence. As I seek the guidance of my Savior diligently he will unfold His mysteries unto me and will bless me with these characteristics in greater portion than I can currently fathom. Focusing on my own recovery will make me a better person, a happier person, a more functional person, and a more successful person. It will make me a better and more willing servant to my Savior and my fellow men. I will be a more able and understanding instrument in His hands. I will be able to affect more change, to touch more people, and to share the gospel with more clarity and conviction. I want this. I'm excited for the opportunity to so drastically change myself and I'm so grateful for the tools like this workbook, books, friends, and the scriptures and words of living apostles that can help me take full advantage of the opportunity.
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