The new plastic surgery trend is WHAT? *potential triggers*

On the radio this morning I heard that the expected 2017 plastic surgery trend is... drumroll... nipple reductions? Like, making your nipple smaller. What the what? I seriously did not know that was a thing.

This is another example of the pornofication of our culture because WHY on earth would people even think that their nipples were the wrong size without the prevalence of pornography giving everyone something to compare to? Maybe there is some medical reason this might be necessary for some but certainly not enough to make it a "trend." The trend is certainly cosmetic. I'm still a little shocked... WHAT? I mean, most people won't see that anyway but people are having this changed?

I reminds me of a few years ago on some talk show (I think it was the View) a doctor was on who does surgery on va-jay-jays to help make sex more pleasurable. He described that basically the woman masturbates in the office to identify where the spots are so the doc knows where to adjust the nerves. A woman who had gotten the surgery was there too to share how great it was. Oh my goodness. I was like 13, it was an education.

The world is messed up. I'm so glad I didn't find this out that nipples can apparently be the "wrong" size until after I had some healing and recovery under my belt and have worked on my body image because seriously, one more thing for women to be judged about for their appearance, it is ridiculous. As if size, skin, hair, lips, eyebrows, eyelashes, boobs, butts, legs, nails. cellulite, etc. weren't enough.... nipples can be the "wrong" size? I'm still just so stunned at the absurdity of this "trend".

Anyway, this is just more evidence to me of the ways in which pornography consumption is damaging to individuals and relationships.

What's my next move? I have OPTIONS.

On a forum I participate in, I shared that I recently caught my husband in a lie. One friend asked me, "What is your next move?" (thank you Daisy!)

It let me come up with more specifics about what I was going to do and articulate more clearly what my actions are going to be moving forward. Much of what I listed were things relating to old boundaries, and habits that I know bring me peace. The wonderful thing about this exercise was the reminder that I HAVE OPTIONS!

We, all of us, have options. We might be powerless over the addiction and we are powerless over the actions of others but we still have lots of power. We have power over ourselves and our actions and our choices. I have options. I am not trapped. I feel trapped sometimes and my options aren't necessarily ideal, but I do have options and I can help make myself safe and whole.

Isn't it beautiful that we have power that can't be taken from us? Isn't it so wonderful that our Heavenly Father gave us agency, and that this agency can not be taken from us? As I have worked recovery, been to therapy, worked steps, learned from women wiser than myself, and relied on the Savior, I've found more confidence in myself and my ability to make good decisions. I've discovered more of the options that are always before me.

My options aren't ideal. My husband has been caught in a lie and there is fall-out to deal with, but it can be dealt with and I have tools and I have options.

I am woman. Hear me roar. :)

Pregnant! Wowza - triggers!

Big new on the homefront. I'm pregnant! We are excited. I am not sick (yet). It is still pretty early, maybe 7 weeks. Last time I didn't get sick until around 8 weeks so we'll see. :) My last pregnancy was generally a good one. I was sick the entire time (except weeks 17-20) but I was so grateful to be pregnant after struggling with infertility that it really was GREAT!

There were some hurts I experienced during pregnancy and soon after baby boy was born that I thought I had worked through, but I am now thinking I had simply buried them. Since I found out a few weeks ago that I am pregnant I have really been on edge emotionally. All the emotions that I buried are flooding back.

See, I didn't start sticking up for myself and setting boundaries and demanding change until around 4 months after baby boy was born. So, the pregnancy was still in the full throws of dishonesty, vague answers, misleading, minimizing, and hiding behaviors by B. I knew he was looking at porn but I was ignoring it, and he was minimizing if I did bring it up, and I was ignoring my intuition. We were sexually active most of the pregnancy. A few times I was told that he didn't want to be physical because of how I looked. Ouch. And you know the six weeks after birth where sex is a no-no? Well, there were lots of favors asked of me to which I generally obliged. At the time I was just happy that he was finding me attractive again "because [my] waist was returning." Now, well, I feel like I was so incredibly used. I feel like I was blind and stupid for ignoring everything. I feel like I was just an object. I feel like I was only valued in accordance with my physical appearance.

When I started standing up for myself our marriage started getting worse. I'd heard that it gets better before it gets worse. Oh boy, does that ring true for us. We spent a year getting more distant, more volatile, and with me pulling more things out into the open. We started therapy a few months ago and stopped moving backwards and a month or so ago we even started moving forward.

I will say that for the last month B has been sober and very aggressively seeking recovery. Meetings, sponsors, contacts, phone calls, reading, studying, watching videos, the whole bit. He is doing pretty well and sticking to it so far and working on continuously being humble in response to my hurt. And maybe the added level of safety from him is allowing more emotions to come to the surface too.

Whatever the reason, the emotions are there and I am hurting and I am in pain and I am so so angry about all of it. It is so much easier to just keep him at arms length, keep my walls up, and not face the hurt. It is so deep. I don't know if I am ready to face it. I let one brick from my wall come down this morning and it was hard. We hugged for the first time all week.

Detaching a Bit

This has been a pretty up and down past few days.

Wednesday night is check-in night. Thursday I found porn. Ironically I wasn't really snooping or trying to find anything. I feel that maybe this was the spirit guiding me to tell me something. The problem was that according to our current set up - he won't disclose that until this Wednesday! So, I can either confront him, which would be rather pointless because it is typical of him to look at porn every other week (right on freakin' schedule) or I can wait to see if he lies to me.

I chose the later, because it would tell me more than just confronting him I believe. So, now I know he's acted out. I'm extra off balance because this is only the third time I've actually SEEN any porn that he's forgotten to delete. Unfortunately, the next day I snooped when I know I shouldn't have in order to see if he'd caught himself and deleted the evidence. That sent me into a fear and anger spiral, like snooping always does when it is not instigated by a prompting. And now I'm trying to dig myself out of it.

Also, I am seriously ashamed of this (which means I need to get it out) I clicked on one of the two links. The thumbnail wasn't pornographic but the title indicated that is was porn. I clicked, and it started, and the volume was up, and I immediately regretted my decision and had a moment of terror as I was trying to turn it off and COULDN'T for a full five seconds because I don't use tablets ever. The sounds and images are burned in my mind and I'm into my fear, sadness, and anger even deeper because of my wrong choice. I am working on repenting of my actions, and surrendering my negative emotions, so I can be free from the chains that are binding me in my anger. It is tough work.

Amidst all this mess I'm still cohabiting with the person I know betrayed me again. It has made my blood boil even more watching the complete 180 in him since he acted out. Wednesday night he was in a pretty depressed state. Thursday night he seemed chipper, calm, patient, loving, affectionate and has been pretty much ever since. I guess life is better when you've properly numbed up all the negative with acting out in your addiction! The thing that gets me is if I hadn't found the porn I would probably have been all these things back to him and we might have even been sexually intimate.

So I've detached a lot this week. We are only having superficial conversations and I'm extra busy with cooking, cleaning, and I have been needing to go to bed early and been purposefully trying to not go to bed at the same time so I'm not asked for any extra curricular activities. I will say it is probably the most successful I've been at detaching and I just need to make it to Wednesday so that is good.

I have also tried to up my self-care by reading my scriptures more, reading a book I have been meaning to get to, long baths with essential oils, painting my nails, naps, and lots of play time with my little boy. Those have all helped me not go nutso this week. My plan to make it to Wednesday is simple - work long hours. Tonight I have a Bachelorette viewing party so I really don't need to spend any time with B and tomorrow night I can figure out something to keep us at a safe distance.

My plan for if he lies to me is to tell him, without specifics, that I know he isn't being truthful. If he continues to lie or goes into addict mode defensiveness or verbal abuse I'll step away from the conversation. If he lies at all I will be buying and installing spy-ware in order to know the extent of his lies. Luckily for me we have therapy the next day, and I have my first solo therapy session as well so I have help coming soon. I am also trying to muster up the courage to kick him out of our bedroom completely if he lies to me, for an undetermined amount of time. I honestly don't know if I have the courage and the self-confidence to do that, but I want to do it. We'll see.