This time the "off" feeling was definitely me

Last night I was feeling, or beginning to feel lots of negative emotions. I was sure B is not being truthful, I was angry at him for that, I was sad, I was lonely... the list goes on. I was not where I wanted to be emotionally or spiritually. I was wasting time on my computer, B was behind me working on his. The emotions were getting stronger. I became frustrated that the good week we've been having might come to an end. Gah - just stop you stupid brain!! Just shut up and let me be still!!

Then I remembered the story Rhyll Croshaw shares about knowing something was off and first checking herself to see if it was her before she asked her husband about what was up. So, I went through my day in my head. Wow, it was a triggerful day!

There was an old movie (I'm talking black and white) on and I DESPISED the main guy. As part of that time period I guess he got away with TOTALLY forcing himself into her (the main girl's) apartment, forcing kisses on her, being a TOTAL TOOL, and in the end she still chose him over the respectable, kind, gentle man who also wanted her. Seriously, I didn't watch the entire thing but it was on while I was in and out.

This is the total tool after he stood up the girl who still chose him.  Yeah, those flowers - from the OTHER guy and Mr. Tool just took oen and put it in his lapel. Maybe my anger is too strong since it is a fictional character from a 70 year old movie, but still, I really really dislike this guy. Also, did I mention there was a chorus line, and she was the lead chorus girl? The gentlemen's club for high society 1940's equivalent that was apparently totally fine and acceptable? Gah, stupid movie. The movie is "A Yank in the R.A.F." just so you know never to watch it.

There were some sexualized commercials. There were some tasteless jokes by my brother. There was the evening before where B and my brother had been as a sporting event and my brother came home talking about how great it was to see all the scantily clad girl athletes. Then it ended with The Bachelor. This episode one of the big moments was one of the final four women telling Chris about her posing for playboy, and making a video for playboy, and then it showed them looking at the pictures and watching the video together in a crummy hotel room. SO AWKWARD. Dim blue light from laptop screen on faces, crappy music from the video, and Chris giggling awkwardly.

So, in review, my day was full of things that grated against my soul and heart as just wrong. It was a miracle I hadn't cracked earlier in the day! I realized that maybe it wasn't B this time. Maybe me feeling off was ME and not him and I needed to get myself together. It is always hard to convince myself to do things to change my mood when I want to just sit and fester and be angry with B. It is so much easier to blame someone else for our bad behavior or moods. But alas, I knew it wasn't him this time. As I continued wasting time on pinterest there were about 5 quotes/affirmations in a row that said something to the effect of we can choose our actions, we need to choose the Lord, make Him our anchor, stuff like that. Message received - I need to up my spiritual game for the evening to get out of this mess.

So I read my scriptures. It wasn't super enlightening. I read them with a little bit of angst and boredom to be honest. But I did it. I read them, and after one chapter I didn't feel any better so I kept reading. After a few more chapters I began to see a light at the end of the tunnel. B informed me he was staying up late to work, which scared me and caused some anxiety but I didn't trust myself to handle a conversation about that very well. So I said a prayer and went to bed.

This morning I woke up and my heart is lighter. I was rejuvenated and have been very productive. It worked. I started experiencing negative emotions, I assessed the cause, saw that it was me, and although I didn't feel like it I reached out for the gospel. I reached for my Savior's hand as I was falling into the water weighed down by my fear. He caught me. He will always catch me.