Music as a healing balm

I've been pondering lately about how much music can help (or hinder I guess) me. I have a playlist that has music to fit many different moods that I go through with being married to an addict. It has fight songs, girl power songs, comforting songs, spiritual songs, fun songs, and nostalgic songs.

I am not good at singing but singing to my son has been a part of our daily routine since he was born and it is often what will calm him at night or when he is injured or sad. I'm 7 months pregnant now and baby will respond with movement almost every time daddy starts singing to him.

Last night I had a contraction that radiated to my back and wouldn't relax with movement but when my husband put on some relaxing music my body responded within a minute by releasing the tension. The music worked when all the other things I had tried had not worked!

When trauma rears it's ugly head in my life I am so glad I can turn to music as one way to find peace, comfort, and solace. Thank goodness for good music!

I'll Be Okay

Feeling hurt and unsure and scared and sad. I found this song. I just keep reminding myself, I'll be okay. I've felt this way before. The sun will rise again. I will feel peace again. As I strive to live worthy of the tender promptings of the Holy Ghost I will find the path that I should follow. I will be whole again through the Atonement of my Savior who saves me every day and who has never failed me. He has caught me every time I needed catching. He has held me every time I've needed holding. He's guided me every time I've needed guiding. As long as I open the door to Him and His influence He will be there for me. And when I've closed the door, He is still waiting on just the other side until I open it again. (Revelation 3:20)

Why I love the song "Girl Crush"

Ode to a country song full of trigger potential for WoPA's. The song, "Girl Crush" by Little Big Town (video below). I know many women find this song revolting. That is absolutely understandable. I however, LOVE this song so much. So listen at your own risk. The great thing about music, to me, is it has the power to put words to things I feel, or have felt, in a way I am unable to accomplish. The instruments used, the melody, the harmonies, the lyrics, the arrangement all make an emotion that is more than just words. To me, this song, hits on something I have felt in the past many times. It sounds like I felt, it feels like I felt, it reminds me of those emotions. 

This song, for me, is about being jealous of another woman because she has the heart or attention of the man I want. When I was in high school I felt this way about a few girls. I wanted their hair, their waist, their legs, their eyes. Really, I wanted the attention they were receiving but in my young mind they were the same thing. If he is showing her attention and I want his attention then I must be like her to get his attention. My self-esteem was very low in regards to my physique, and my worth as a love interest.  

In college I felt this way about my roommate. I wanted her blue eyes, blonde hair, petite frame. I thought I might even need to have her dissatisfied, negative attitude because all the guys were falling over themselves (and me, as the roommate)to get to her. They befriended me as a way to spend time with her and get information about what she liked and didn't like. When it didn't work out they would complain about her personality, attitude, selfishness, and general grumpiness to me but they still were kind of hooked because she was so darn beautiful. At least that helped me not focus on changing who I was on the inside. However, I still wanted her body. I hated mine. 

I dreamed of the day when I would find the wonderful man who would love me for who I was, for what I looked like, and would find me irresistible the way all these other guys found the other girls in my life irresistible. Then it happened. I met B. He liked my roommate too (different roommate), but he went after ME! (okay, it took a little time, but he did). He couldn't get enough of my kisses. He told me I was beautiful. He was attracted to me, inside and out (was my understanding at the time). We struggled to stay chaste, which to me meant I was irresistible to him. We fell in love, we got engaged, he told me he struggled with porn and was working on it, I patted myself on the back for being understanding and non-judgemental, and we were married.  

Over the next few months or year I learned a whole heck of a lot more about what pornography addiction is and all that it entails. And those old feelings returned. It wasn't a jealousy of a particular woman but all women. It was a knowledge that I needed to have a different body in order to have the full attention of the man I wanted so badly. I was jealous of all the porn stars. I was jealous of all the women I saw everywhere because my husband probably lusted after them. I was jealous of celebrities because I was sure he lusted after them. I was jealous of the friends I knew he lusted after. All of his lustiness was confirmed by his comments here and there about their butts, or boobs, or whatever. Those feelings took years to shake. Every once in a while they return, but they don’t stay for too long anymore. I've gained too much knowledge about my worth and what beauty really is to let them have so much control of me. 

This song, though, takes me back to all those times. Not really in a sad way. I just remember the way I felt and I want to hug that girl. I want to tell her that she doesn't have to change. I want to tell her that someday she will understand that beauty isn't what those men are after. I would tell that young wife, whose heart was crushed into a million pieces when her husband told her he isn't attracted to her and if she would just lose weight that he wouldn't need to look at porn, that her husband is wrong and he doesn't even know it. I would tell her that someday she'll be part of a community of women who are the most beautiful women she's ever known and they span ages 20 to 70, and are all shapes and sizes and hair colors, and they are called WoPAs, and they will teach her about her true beauty and worth. I would hold her, and let her cry on my shoulder so she wouldn't have to cry alone on the shower floor. I would take this song back in time so she had a song to express her feelings better than she could. And then I would remind her that she knows, deep down, that even though she feels this way now, it isn't the truth - the belief that she needs to be like the blonde roommate, or the hot runner her husband likes, or the porn stars - it isn't the truth.  

The truth that is in her heart, and was instilled in her as a child, is that she is a daughter of God, and is of infinite worth, and is beautiful. The truth is she doesn't need to fit the world's definition of beautiful because someday Heavenly Father will speak His definition of beautiful into her heart, and she will never forget it. 

This song reminds me of how far I've come and how much I've learned. It helps me feel that it is okay that I didn't always know what I know now. I am at peace with my girl crushes of the past. I hope to minimize them in the future as I put my knowledge and understanding to use in my own life and heart. But when I find myself thinking of "her" and being jealous of "her" I can come back to this song and remember how this song expresses these emotions but also reminds me of how much I know that there really isn't anything to be jealous of after all. 

Music is a Tender Mercy

Music is so wonderful and can speak to my heart on days when nothing else can get through. Lately I'm LOVING Katy Perry's "Roar." 

I'm so grateful for the wonderful women who have gone before me and are forging a path through this darkness that others can follow. There was a thread on a facebook community I'm a part of that gave song suggestions for WoPAs and it has helped me get through this week. I know I'll use the music as a part of my life for a long time to come so I'm just grateful today. 

Thank you lady friends for sharing in your struggle, your ups and downs, your faith and doubts, your path that others may learn, feel validation, know they aren't alone, grow, and find their own path.