What I can't control:
1) Whether or not B lies to me.
2) Whether or not I ever find out the truth I so desperately want to know.
"We enable our addicted loved ones when we interfere with the natural consequences of their addictive behaviors by lying or making excuses for them to family, friends, employers, or others. We enable when we do not set appropriate boundaries or fail to recognize the seriousness of the problem."
B has been reverting to addict behaviors, even if not acting out, for over a month. I was in denial telling myself, "this is just a phase" "he is just tired" "we just need to move and then it will be better." Because of this denial I was swallowing the hurt over and over and not upholding appropriate boundaries. Now I am upholding my boundaries, and recognizing the behavior for what it is, and he is pissed because the addict is fighting against the natural consequences of his behavior.
My question today: How do I love B while still upholding boundaries to keep myself safe? I cannot control whether he feels loved or unloved, after all feelings are not facts. He has frequently accused me of not loving him and of judging him recently. However, I cannot argue with an addict - that is crazy making. I believe I have loved him as best I can. I have also needed space to heal from the hurt and the emotional roller coaster and abuse he throws at me. Whether or not he feels it - I would like to find a balance of showing love while still upholding boundaries and allowing for natural consequences. How can this be accomplished?
Showing posts with label Step-1. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Step-1. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Step One - Part 5
This post is part of my step work through the "Healing Through Christ Manual" in which I answer the questions presented at the end of each step to work my way through what was taught. The "Healing Through Christ" manual can be downloaded for free at healingthroughchrist.org.
FINDING OUR OWN RECOVERY AND FACING ADVERSITY
Letting Go of Those Not In Recovery
1. How does the bridge analogy help me understand how to begin my healing journey? How might it apply to my addicted loved one? Other family members?
This analogy helps me begin my journey because I realize there is a place of hope and healing. There is a place of warmth. I am allowed to be there even in my spouse doesn't decide to come with me. It is right for me to be there if I choose to make the trek across the bridge. This analogy also helps show how me working on me can help others (including my spouse) see that there is hope and healing and a warm and happy place possible. I can't know the difficulties associated with my addicted loved one's journey across this bridge but just maybe living the example will help him understand it is possible.
2. How does Helamen 3:29-30 apply this same concept?
29 Yea, we see that whosoever will may lay hold upon the word of God, which is quick and powerful, which shall divide asunder all the cunning and the snares and the wiles of the devil, and lead the man of Christ in a strait and narrow course across that everlasting gulf of misery which is prepared to engulf the wicked—
FINDING OUR OWN RECOVERY AND FACING ADVERSITY
Letting Go of Those Not In Recovery
1. How does the bridge analogy help me understand how to begin my healing journey? How might it apply to my addicted loved one? Other family members?
This analogy helps me begin my journey because I realize there is a place of hope and healing. There is a place of warmth. I am allowed to be there even in my spouse doesn't decide to come with me. It is right for me to be there if I choose to make the trek across the bridge. This analogy also helps show how me working on me can help others (including my spouse) see that there is hope and healing and a warm and happy place possible. I can't know the difficulties associated with my addicted loved one's journey across this bridge but just maybe living the example will help him understand it is possible.
2. How does Helamen 3:29-30 apply this same concept?
29 Yea, we see that whosoever will may lay hold upon the word of God, which is quick and powerful, which shall divide asunder all the cunning and the snares and the wiles of the devil, and lead the man of Christ in a strait and narrow course across that everlasting gulf of misery which is prepared to engulf the wicked—
30 And land their souls, yea, their immortal souls, at the right hand of God in the kingdom of heaven, to sit down with Abraham, and Isaac, and with Jacob, and with all our holy fathers, to go no more out.
These scriptures give me so much hope! I want to sit down with Abraham and Isaac and Jacob. I want to sit down with Joseph and Brigham. I want to sit at the right hand of God. I want to see through the wiles of the devil. I want to avoid the everlasting gulf of misery. Also, the word of God is quick and powerful. So it is there waiting for me, I will get results quickly and they will be powerful enough to make a difference.
Trials stimulate my growth and understanding
1. How might Elder Scott's explanation and counsel (page 16) be applied to this trial of having a loved one in addiction?
Elder Scott beautifully explains that when we are facing adversity that has not been brought upon our heads by our own actions it means the "Lord feels you are prepared to grow more." I like this. I've heard that we aren't given a trial we can't handle with Christ's help but this counsel goes a step further. The adversity has a purpose, a silver lining, a point. It is not just something to get through - it is something to relish and to use and to take advantage of. I want to grow! Elder Orson F. Whitney said, "...it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we came here to acquire." (page 7). I want to gain the education I came here to acquire. If I don't then what a waste! I've spent all this time apart from my Father in Heaven in order to gain eternal salvation, knowledge, an EDUCATION. If I fail to gain the light and knowledge available to me through trial and tribulation and navigating adversity successfully and I return to my Father in Heaven unable to live with Him forever it will have been an opportunity wasted. I've already gained so much through this trial and I hope to gain much more.
Opportunities for growth and learning
1. What can I learn from this experience? How can it become an opportunity to gain knowledge and wisdom that will benefit my life now and in the future? How can focusing on my own recovery change my life for the better? How can changing my life influence those around me in a positive way?
I can learn so much. I think I can gain a deeper understanding of the atonement. I can gain a sweeter relationship with my Savior. I can learn patience. I can learn to trust God. I can learn to love myself and to understand that I am a Daughter of the Most High. Most importantly I can learn charity in ways that I don't currently understand this most important attribute. All these things can be learned through the spirit - as I traverse the struggles, and battle Satan's lies and influence. As I seek the guidance of my Savior diligently he will unfold His mysteries unto me and will bless me with these characteristics in greater portion than I can currently fathom. Focusing on my own recovery will make me a better person, a happier person, a more functional person, and a more successful person. It will make me a better and more willing servant to my Savior and my fellow men. I will be a more able and understanding instrument in His hands. I will be able to affect more change, to touch more people, and to share the gospel with more clarity and conviction. I want this. I'm excited for the opportunity to so drastically change myself and I'm so grateful for the tools like this workbook, books, friends, and the scriptures and words of living apostles that can help me take full advantage of the opportunity.
Friday, October 17, 2014
Step One - Part 4
This post is part of my step work through the "Healing Through Christ Manual" in which I answer the questions presented at the end of each step to work my way through what was taught. The "Healing Through Christ" manual can be downloaded for free at healingthroughchrist.org.
RECOGNIZING UNHEALTHY BEHAVIORS
Step One Inventory
1. Do I focus mainly on the problems of my addicted loved one and allow this focus to consume my life? Do I allow their problems to prevent me from living a happy and productive life and from loving and interacting with family members and friends?
Some days the problems of my addicted loved one consume my life. Mostly I would say no though. Having an addicted loved one in the first place can feel consuming but I still actively love and interact with family members and loved ones generally. I would say 80/20 on this one. It does happen sometimes but not most of the time.
2. Have I been in denial over the seriousness of my loved ones' addiction? Describe the thoughts and emotions that encouraged my feelings of denial.
I am not currently in denial but I was for several years. I ignored what was happening, "even when it [was] right before [my] eyes." I did this until I was ready to face the truth. This week I contemplated going back to that place - it seemed easier somehow. But I know it is unhealthy, and it ate away at me, so I can't go back.
3. Have I enabled my addicted loved one? What was the result?
Yes, I believe I have because I shielded him from consequences. I didn't have any boundaries and let myself be treated as a doormat. I let myself be used as a lust hit. I pretended what he is doing had no effect on me or our family. It does have an effect. The result was nice for him I believe - he has referenced going back to that time when I was actively ignoring because he felt like I wasn't hurt as much, which he prefers. However, it was still hurting I just wasn't as vocal about it and I wasn't dealing in a healthy manner. What it didn't do was change him at all - he still acted out the entire time. I'm guessing it was every week or two. I can't control it.
4. Have I used persecuting behaviors to try to stop my loved ones' addiction? What was the outcome? Do I feel responsible for their recovery?
Yes, I have. I have made sure to let him know how hurt I am thinking his guilt and shame will make him stop. That didn't work. I have given him the silent treatment. That didn't work. I have thrown information about addiction and recovery at him. That didn't work. I've tried to control. The part of the handbook that says "it doesn't matter if we could help them if only they'd listen to and cooperate with us" really struck me. I COULD help if only he would listen!! But that doesn't matter because I can't control him, or his willingness to listen, or seek or want help. I can't control whether or not he even has a desire to change.
5. Do I feel I am a victim as a result of my loved ones' addiction? Do I suffer from feelings of guilt or shame? How have I suffered because I blamed myself for my loved ones' addiction?
Yes, I have felt and feel a victim as a result of my loved ones' addiction. I'm not sure how to not feel that way. He is doing all of these things. The addiction makes him irritable, quick to anger, and selfish and it is a form of adultery. I am being cheated on every 3 weeks. I don't know how to not feel like I am a victim of that. It feels like if I say I am not a victim, then I am saying his behaviors are acceptable and okay and I'm just the one with the problem. I know he is not doing these things too me but they are affected me. I am being cheated on, repeatedly, over and over and over. Clearly, this is one negative emotion I need to work on. I don't blame myself anymore - I did for a little while early on, but I don't now.
6. Have I tried to change my appearance through starvation or cosmetic surgical procedures in an effort to stop my loved ones' sexual addiction. Have I become anorexic?
My resolution to change my appearance for him never lasts more than a day because something I now know is that I am beautiful by the definition of my Savior and that is enough for me. I struggled with bulimic tendencies briefly in college and briefly after I was married and facing the truth of having an addicted loved one but now my testimony of my divine worth won't let me do that.
7. Am I distracting myself from emotional distress by excessive shopping, spending, over-eating, obsessive exercising, or using media or any other behavior to escape or soothe my fearful or angry emotions?
Yes, I watch TV to distract myself. I watch TV to go numb and stop thinking about all this.
8. How have unhealthy codependent behaviors impacted my life? How have they affected my loved one?
They have made me miserable. This addiction is stupid and I can't control it or my husband's desire to overcome it. Allowing either any control over my happiness has just brought worry and fear and heartache. I don't know how to have an open and vulnerable and successful marriage without some happiness hinging on it being those things though. If it has no effect on my happiness then it is just business, it isn't something that can make me happy or sad, so why put all the effort into it? A great marriage would make me happy, so how do I saw an unhealthy marriage won't make my unhappy?
I choose to avoid controlling others
1. Have I tried to control addictive behaviors through threats, silent treatment, withdrawal of love, shaming, blaming, or constant monitoring of their behaviors?
I would say no. I have withdrawn love, I have blamed (in my heart), I have gotten silent. But I don't think I did those in an effort to control. I know they were perceived that way but I honestly have done those things when I have felt too weak to be vulnerable, too hurt to put myself out there, and too sad to put his feelings ahead of my own. These were a mechanism for coping with the hurt - by shielding myself from more hurt.
Letting go and allowing consequences
1. Why is it important to allow my loved one to experience the consequences of their addiction? How will this make a difference in their life as well as my own?
It is important because that is the nature of this life - the way it was designed. We make choices, and we face the music. I am not the Savior, so I don't have the capacity to save my husband, nor is it my job. We must all face our own consequences. I believe that facing them sooner helps us in the long run.
Reacting or responding
1. What can I do to begin responding rather than reacting? What differences do I see in myself and in others when I respond rather than react?
Honestly, I feel I generally do a good job of responding rather than reacting. Rarely do I just let my knee-jerk reaction rule my actions. However, I could work on not letting it control my thoughts and feelings too. When I respond rather than react the situation doesn't escalate. My husband will react about 95% of the time, so all it takes for a situation to escalate is for me to react as well and then BOOM there we go. I struggle with feeling it is unfair to have such a disparity in who reacts vs. responds. But life isn't fair. And where much is given much is required. I was taught to respond rather than react so I am required to do so. My husband, through is primary attachment figure, was mostly taught to react rather than respond so he isn't held to the same standard (I believe). Sometimes it just stinks.
My favorite quote from the workbook while working this section of the step was:
"Do not give in to paralyzing feelings of guilt and hopelessness. Seek spiritual help and peace. Be strong and courageous. You will see it through." - Elder Carmack (p. 12)
I will see it through!
RECOGNIZING UNHEALTHY BEHAVIORS
Step One Inventory
1. Do I focus mainly on the problems of my addicted loved one and allow this focus to consume my life? Do I allow their problems to prevent me from living a happy and productive life and from loving and interacting with family members and friends?
Some days the problems of my addicted loved one consume my life. Mostly I would say no though. Having an addicted loved one in the first place can feel consuming but I still actively love and interact with family members and loved ones generally. I would say 80/20 on this one. It does happen sometimes but not most of the time.
2. Have I been in denial over the seriousness of my loved ones' addiction? Describe the thoughts and emotions that encouraged my feelings of denial.
I am not currently in denial but I was for several years. I ignored what was happening, "even when it [was] right before [my] eyes." I did this until I was ready to face the truth. This week I contemplated going back to that place - it seemed easier somehow. But I know it is unhealthy, and it ate away at me, so I can't go back.
3. Have I enabled my addicted loved one? What was the result?
Yes, I believe I have because I shielded him from consequences. I didn't have any boundaries and let myself be treated as a doormat. I let myself be used as a lust hit. I pretended what he is doing had no effect on me or our family. It does have an effect. The result was nice for him I believe - he has referenced going back to that time when I was actively ignoring because he felt like I wasn't hurt as much, which he prefers. However, it was still hurting I just wasn't as vocal about it and I wasn't dealing in a healthy manner. What it didn't do was change him at all - he still acted out the entire time. I'm guessing it was every week or two. I can't control it.
4. Have I used persecuting behaviors to try to stop my loved ones' addiction? What was the outcome? Do I feel responsible for their recovery?
Yes, I have. I have made sure to let him know how hurt I am thinking his guilt and shame will make him stop. That didn't work. I have given him the silent treatment. That didn't work. I have thrown information about addiction and recovery at him. That didn't work. I've tried to control. The part of the handbook that says "it doesn't matter if we could help them if only they'd listen to and cooperate with us" really struck me. I COULD help if only he would listen!! But that doesn't matter because I can't control him, or his willingness to listen, or seek or want help. I can't control whether or not he even has a desire to change.
5. Do I feel I am a victim as a result of my loved ones' addiction? Do I suffer from feelings of guilt or shame? How have I suffered because I blamed myself for my loved ones' addiction?
Yes, I have felt and feel a victim as a result of my loved ones' addiction. I'm not sure how to not feel that way. He is doing all of these things. The addiction makes him irritable, quick to anger, and selfish and it is a form of adultery. I am being cheated on every 3 weeks. I don't know how to not feel like I am a victim of that. It feels like if I say I am not a victim, then I am saying his behaviors are acceptable and okay and I'm just the one with the problem. I know he is not doing these things too me but they are affected me. I am being cheated on, repeatedly, over and over and over. Clearly, this is one negative emotion I need to work on. I don't blame myself anymore - I did for a little while early on, but I don't now.
6. Have I tried to change my appearance through starvation or cosmetic surgical procedures in an effort to stop my loved ones' sexual addiction. Have I become anorexic?
My resolution to change my appearance for him never lasts more than a day because something I now know is that I am beautiful by the definition of my Savior and that is enough for me. I struggled with bulimic tendencies briefly in college and briefly after I was married and facing the truth of having an addicted loved one but now my testimony of my divine worth won't let me do that.
7. Am I distracting myself from emotional distress by excessive shopping, spending, over-eating, obsessive exercising, or using media or any other behavior to escape or soothe my fearful or angry emotions?
Yes, I watch TV to distract myself. I watch TV to go numb and stop thinking about all this.
8. How have unhealthy codependent behaviors impacted my life? How have they affected my loved one?
They have made me miserable. This addiction is stupid and I can't control it or my husband's desire to overcome it. Allowing either any control over my happiness has just brought worry and fear and heartache. I don't know how to have an open and vulnerable and successful marriage without some happiness hinging on it being those things though. If it has no effect on my happiness then it is just business, it isn't something that can make me happy or sad, so why put all the effort into it? A great marriage would make me happy, so how do I saw an unhealthy marriage won't make my unhappy?
I choose to avoid controlling others
1. Have I tried to control addictive behaviors through threats, silent treatment, withdrawal of love, shaming, blaming, or constant monitoring of their behaviors?
I would say no. I have withdrawn love, I have blamed (in my heart), I have gotten silent. But I don't think I did those in an effort to control. I know they were perceived that way but I honestly have done those things when I have felt too weak to be vulnerable, too hurt to put myself out there, and too sad to put his feelings ahead of my own. These were a mechanism for coping with the hurt - by shielding myself from more hurt.
Letting go and allowing consequences
1. Why is it important to allow my loved one to experience the consequences of their addiction? How will this make a difference in their life as well as my own?
It is important because that is the nature of this life - the way it was designed. We make choices, and we face the music. I am not the Savior, so I don't have the capacity to save my husband, nor is it my job. We must all face our own consequences. I believe that facing them sooner helps us in the long run.
Reacting or responding
1. What can I do to begin responding rather than reacting? What differences do I see in myself and in others when I respond rather than react?
Honestly, I feel I generally do a good job of responding rather than reacting. Rarely do I just let my knee-jerk reaction rule my actions. However, I could work on not letting it control my thoughts and feelings too. When I respond rather than react the situation doesn't escalate. My husband will react about 95% of the time, so all it takes for a situation to escalate is for me to react as well and then BOOM there we go. I struggle with feeling it is unfair to have such a disparity in who reacts vs. responds. But life isn't fair. And where much is given much is required. I was taught to respond rather than react so I am required to do so. My husband, through is primary attachment figure, was mostly taught to react rather than respond so he isn't held to the same standard (I believe). Sometimes it just stinks.
My favorite quote from the workbook while working this section of the step was:
"Do not give in to paralyzing feelings of guilt and hopelessness. Seek spiritual help and peace. Be strong and courageous. You will see it through." - Elder Carmack (p. 12)
I will see it through!
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Step One - Part 3
This post is part of my step work through the "Healing Through Christ Manual" in which I answer the questions presented at the end of each step to work my way through what was taught. The "Healing Through Christ" manual can be downloaded for free at healingthroughchrist.org.
IDENTIFYING NEGATIVE EMOTIONS
Processing my Negative Emotions
1. What are the negative emotions I struggle with? How can I process my negative emotions? How often do I struggle with negative thoughts and experience fearful or angry emotions about my loved one's addiction? Have my thoughts and worries interfered with eating and sleeping patterns? Have I struggled with feelings of hopelessness and depression? To what extent?
I struggle with anger and sadness most. I get angry that he repeats the addiction cycle over and over. I get angry that I am in this situation. I get angry that I don't have the full fidelity of my husband. I get angry that I don't have control. I also get sad and self-conscience. I am sad for all the same reasons I am angry and that often turns into a critique of my physical body. Keeping my body image healthy is extremely challenging while facing my husband's sexual addiction.
I can process my negative emotions by identifying them as such. I am feeling angry because... I am feeling sad because... I am feeling bad about myself because... And recognizing the source of negative emotions is the adversary. Once I convince myself the source is the adversary who wants to bring me down and destroy my marriage it is easier to choose to "let go and let God", turn my emotions over to him, and seek out ways to fill the space with positive emotions.
I struggle with negative emotions in some form daily. Usually the daily thoughts are fleeting and brief and I can process them quickly. About every 2 weeks I have more trouble processing these emotions quickly and it takes a couple days. These thoughts and worries interfere with my eating habits mildly by my over-eating to console myself but they do interfere with my sleep if I haven't processed by bedtime.
I have struggled with feelings of hopelessness more than feelings of depression. These feelings come only once a month or so when I am having a really hard time processing other negative emotions at the same time as B is having a hard time with processing his negative emotions. When we are BOTH negative at the same time it feels more hopeless.
The Wolf Parable
From "Healing Through Christ" - The Wolf Parable
An elder Apache was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me; it is a terrible fight that is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, self-pity, guilt, resentment, lies, and pride. The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside you and inside every other person too." The grandchildren thought about the story for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?" The old grandfather simply replied, "The one you feed."
1. Which wolf do I feed most often? What can I learn from the feelings I have when I feed either wolf ? (Read D&C 50:23-25) How do negative emotions interfere with my ability to respond appropriately to my addicted loved one?
I honestly feel that feed the good wolf most often. There are certainly days or moments where I feed the bad wolf and let myself slip into negative emotions. But more and more I'm learning to recognize the negative emotions when they start and halt them, knowing they are of the adversary and it is slippery slope to ruin an entire day or week if I succumb in those first moments of temptation. When I do allow the negative emotions to fester (and sometimes I do because I'm not perfect and sometimes I want to have a pity-party) it totally destroys my ability to be there for my addicted loved one. I am unfeeling, withdrawn, snippy, unproductive, and selfish with my time and my energy and my emotions. I think that is the biggest thing - I get selfish. I don't want to put myself out there. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to spend time with him. I don't want to be nice to him. I want to make him feel the pain that I am feeling (misery loves company). I get selfish when I feed the bad wolf.
Recognize the adversary's influence
1. What are the lies the adversary whispers into my mind? How do these lies affect my behavior? What is the truth about each of the lies I have listed? How can replacing untruthful thoughts with accurate information help me?
The lie that is whispered into my mind most often is that I am too fat to be desirable. I believed this one for a long time. Before marriage I always longed for the day when I would be married and finally be accepted for me and have a husband that saw me as beautiful because he saw past the extra pounds. Seriously, that was what I expected of marriage - a man who would love me for me and the weight wouldn't bother him because it is just part of me. Oh, YOWSA was I wrong about that one. SO SO WRONG. My problem was I was waiting for the day when validation from a man would make me comfortable in my own skin. Once I was married and realized this was NOT going to happen any time soon in my marriage I got angry, really angry. I felt like I had been seriously short-changed. I work hard on my spiritual self, my mental self, my emotional self, but all that was being considered was my physical self and because that came up short I was undesirable. Why would Heavenly Father have led me to someone who rips open my biggest weakness and pours acid on the pain? When B told me he resented that he was led to someone who was lacking in physical self-confidence and who struggled with her weight my jaw nearly hit the floor. You resent being married to me?! Are you freaking kidding me? You can't be serious. I'm the best damn thing that has happened in your life and I'm responding much better than lots of people do and I'm trying to be patient, to work on me, to understand your stupid addiction and you have the audacity to RESENT ME my lack of self-confidence? You're addiction caused lots of it! Okay, calm down Laurie. This lie, and many other affect my behavior because I get distracted by them, I get angry, I withdraw, I get more irritable, and less likely to look for opportunities to serve my spouse. The truth is that I am overweight. The lie is that being overweight automatically makes me unworthy of love or being considered attractive. The bigger lie is that being considered attractive physically is so important. It isn't. There is so much more. Replacing lies with truth grounds me, brings me peace, and makes me much more balanced on all levels.
We are commanded to be not afraid
1. How has fear destroyed my faith and hope? How has it kept me from feeling that God is with me wherever I go?
I believe, as the prophets and apostles have taught, that man cannot serve two masters. When I am in a place of fear I am putting up walls between me and the influence of the spirit. When I am in a place of fear all I can see are the negatives, the fear, the potential loss. I can't see the positives, and more importantly the hope. Fear is the opposite of faith and hope and faith go hand in hand.
IDENTIFYING NEGATIVE EMOTIONS
Processing my Negative Emotions
1. What are the negative emotions I struggle with? How can I process my negative emotions? How often do I struggle with negative thoughts and experience fearful or angry emotions about my loved one's addiction? Have my thoughts and worries interfered with eating and sleeping patterns? Have I struggled with feelings of hopelessness and depression? To what extent?
I struggle with anger and sadness most. I get angry that he repeats the addiction cycle over and over. I get angry that I am in this situation. I get angry that I don't have the full fidelity of my husband. I get angry that I don't have control. I also get sad and self-conscience. I am sad for all the same reasons I am angry and that often turns into a critique of my physical body. Keeping my body image healthy is extremely challenging while facing my husband's sexual addiction.
I can process my negative emotions by identifying them as such. I am feeling angry because... I am feeling sad because... I am feeling bad about myself because... And recognizing the source of negative emotions is the adversary. Once I convince myself the source is the adversary who wants to bring me down and destroy my marriage it is easier to choose to "let go and let God", turn my emotions over to him, and seek out ways to fill the space with positive emotions.
I struggle with negative emotions in some form daily. Usually the daily thoughts are fleeting and brief and I can process them quickly. About every 2 weeks I have more trouble processing these emotions quickly and it takes a couple days. These thoughts and worries interfere with my eating habits mildly by my over-eating to console myself but they do interfere with my sleep if I haven't processed by bedtime.
I have struggled with feelings of hopelessness more than feelings of depression. These feelings come only once a month or so when I am having a really hard time processing other negative emotions at the same time as B is having a hard time with processing his negative emotions. When we are BOTH negative at the same time it feels more hopeless.
The Wolf Parable
From "Healing Through Christ" - The Wolf Parable
An elder Apache was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me; it is a terrible fight that is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, self-pity, guilt, resentment, lies, and pride. The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside you and inside every other person too." The grandchildren thought about the story for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?" The old grandfather simply replied, "The one you feed."
1. Which wolf do I feed most often? What can I learn from the feelings I have when I feed either wolf ? (Read D&C 50:23-25) How do negative emotions interfere with my ability to respond appropriately to my addicted loved one?
I honestly feel that feed the good wolf most often. There are certainly days or moments where I feed the bad wolf and let myself slip into negative emotions. But more and more I'm learning to recognize the negative emotions when they start and halt them, knowing they are of the adversary and it is slippery slope to ruin an entire day or week if I succumb in those first moments of temptation. When I do allow the negative emotions to fester (and sometimes I do because I'm not perfect and sometimes I want to have a pity-party) it totally destroys my ability to be there for my addicted loved one. I am unfeeling, withdrawn, snippy, unproductive, and selfish with my time and my energy and my emotions. I think that is the biggest thing - I get selfish. I don't want to put myself out there. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to spend time with him. I don't want to be nice to him. I want to make him feel the pain that I am feeling (misery loves company). I get selfish when I feed the bad wolf.
Recognize the adversary's influence
1. What are the lies the adversary whispers into my mind? How do these lies affect my behavior? What is the truth about each of the lies I have listed? How can replacing untruthful thoughts with accurate information help me?
The lie that is whispered into my mind most often is that I am too fat to be desirable. I believed this one for a long time. Before marriage I always longed for the day when I would be married and finally be accepted for me and have a husband that saw me as beautiful because he saw past the extra pounds. Seriously, that was what I expected of marriage - a man who would love me for me and the weight wouldn't bother him because it is just part of me. Oh, YOWSA was I wrong about that one. SO SO WRONG. My problem was I was waiting for the day when validation from a man would make me comfortable in my own skin. Once I was married and realized this was NOT going to happen any time soon in my marriage I got angry, really angry. I felt like I had been seriously short-changed. I work hard on my spiritual self, my mental self, my emotional self, but all that was being considered was my physical self and because that came up short I was undesirable. Why would Heavenly Father have led me to someone who rips open my biggest weakness and pours acid on the pain? When B told me he resented that he was led to someone who was lacking in physical self-confidence and who struggled with her weight my jaw nearly hit the floor. You resent being married to me?! Are you freaking kidding me? You can't be serious. I'm the best damn thing that has happened in your life and I'm responding much better than lots of people do and I'm trying to be patient, to work on me, to understand your stupid addiction and you have the audacity to RESENT ME my lack of self-confidence? You're addiction caused lots of it! Okay, calm down Laurie. This lie, and many other affect my behavior because I get distracted by them, I get angry, I withdraw, I get more irritable, and less likely to look for opportunities to serve my spouse. The truth is that I am overweight. The lie is that being overweight automatically makes me unworthy of love or being considered attractive. The bigger lie is that being considered attractive physically is so important. It isn't. There is so much more. Replacing lies with truth grounds me, brings me peace, and makes me much more balanced on all levels.
We are commanded to be not afraid
1. How has fear destroyed my faith and hope? How has it kept me from feeling that God is with me wherever I go?
I believe, as the prophets and apostles have taught, that man cannot serve two masters. When I am in a place of fear I am putting up walls between me and the influence of the spirit. When I am in a place of fear all I can see are the negatives, the fear, the potential loss. I can't see the positives, and more importantly the hope. Fear is the opposite of faith and hope and faith go hand in hand.
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Triggered by seeing what he was triggered by - and then letting go and letting God
Yesterday I was at an event, sans B, where there are LOTS of people and LOTS of young, pretty, not-so-modest women. A few weeks ago B was at a similar event (okay, it's a sporting event). So, B was at a game sans me and came home and we had a good evening. Then the next day things got weird and bad and the next day he acted out and was in FULL ADDICT mode people. Like, full on. No bueno. Upon reflection he said the triggering had started at the game with all these beautiful daughters of God who have simply not been raised to understand the same way I do about modesty.
Fast forward to yesterday, I was at a game sans B (not because of bad blood, just the way our schedules worked out). About half way through my time there I all of the sudden felt the triggery feeling coming, the trauma mode, the confusion/distraction/can't think/can't look at anyone/want to curl of and cry feeling. I was looking at all this SKIN and it was perfect, and it was on thin bodies, and smooth, and tan, and nary a stretch-mark in sight. I'm go grateful I've been working hard to keep the spirit with me and work on some step-work because it only took a few minutes for me to have the following inner-dialogue:
Me: So this is what B was looking at that he liked so much that he couldn't resist looking at some porn just a day later to keep the feeling going?
Me: Well, I guess I can understand how disappointed he was to come home and find ME as his wife (insert self-deprecating critiques that I don't want to repeat)
Me: Wait, okay, wait. These girls have done nothing wrong. It isn't their fault. B is responsible for his own actions. Crap, I'm triggered.
Me: Okay, they are daughters of God, this isn't about them it is about me. It is a lie that I am less than them because I look differently. But I'm feeling like it isn't.
Me: Remembering Step 1 *I am feeling like my emotions are unmanageable* *Let go and Let God*
Me: Heavenly Father, I need you to take this one. I can't deal with these emotions. I can't leave so I'm still going to be surrounded by this but I don't want to feel this way. I'm handing it off to you.
Within 30 minutes the trauma-mode had disappeared and I was back to normal.
It is amazing how simple principles can work wonders in practice. The recovery process isn't about not feeling hard feelings, it is about giving us tools to recognize the good, the bad, and the ugly for what it is and deal appropriately.
Fast forward to yesterday, I was at a game sans B (not because of bad blood, just the way our schedules worked out). About half way through my time there I all of the sudden felt the triggery feeling coming, the trauma mode, the confusion/distraction/can't think/can't look at anyone/want to curl of and cry feeling. I was looking at all this SKIN and it was perfect, and it was on thin bodies, and smooth, and tan, and nary a stretch-mark in sight. I'm go grateful I've been working hard to keep the spirit with me and work on some step-work because it only took a few minutes for me to have the following inner-dialogue:
Me: So this is what B was looking at that he liked so much that he couldn't resist looking at some porn just a day later to keep the feeling going?
Me: Well, I guess I can understand how disappointed he was to come home and find ME as his wife (insert self-deprecating critiques that I don't want to repeat)
Me: Wait, okay, wait. These girls have done nothing wrong. It isn't their fault. B is responsible for his own actions. Crap, I'm triggered.
Me: Okay, they are daughters of God, this isn't about them it is about me. It is a lie that I am less than them because I look differently. But I'm feeling like it isn't.
Me: Remembering Step 1 *I am feeling like my emotions are unmanageable* *Let go and Let God*
Me: Heavenly Father, I need you to take this one. I can't deal with these emotions. I can't leave so I'm still going to be surrounded by this but I don't want to feel this way. I'm handing it off to you.
Within 30 minutes the trauma-mode had disappeared and I was back to normal.
It is amazing how simple principles can work wonders in practice. The recovery process isn't about not feeling hard feelings, it is about giving us tools to recognize the good, the bad, and the ugly for what it is and deal appropriately.
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Step One - Part 2
This post is part of my step work through the "Healing Through Christ Manual" in which I answer the questions presented at the end of each step to work my way through what was taught. The "Healing Through Christ" manual can be downloaded for free at healingthroughchrist.org.
Choosing to Take Care of Ourselves
Choosing to Take Care of Ourselves
1. As a result of the emotional distress of facing the addiction of a loved one, how have I ignored my own needs and neglected to take care of myself?
Physically I ignored my own need for sleep at one point. I tried to stay up, because if I was up then he wouldn't look and pornography and viola the addiction would be gone. HA. I didn't know enough at that point. When I have struggled emotionally with this I have spent days without showering just in pain, doing nothing, not being productive, not getting out, not taking care of myself at all. At times I've eaten my emotions, which is unhealthy. I've called out of work because of the distress of facing the addiction of my loved one. I've gone to work and performed poorly because of the distress of facing the addiction of my loved one. All unhealthy behaviors.
2. How am I taking care of myself mentally?
Right now I am going to school and focusing on that. It is challenging and invigorating and something that has nothing to do with this addiction. It is wonderful to have my mind active and expanding with something other than knowledge about addiction.
3. How am I taking care of my emotional needs?
This one is going pretty well. I've always been able to identify my emotions and what I am really feeling (1 point parents!). Dealing with them has been a journey but currently I am blogging, journaling, participating in a forum filled with compassionate women who are going through the same thing, I'm actively opening up to my husband when I feel it is safe, and just two days ago I confided in a friend for the FIRST TIME about what I am going through.
4. How am I taking care of myself phsically?
This one could definitely use some improvement. I do get the rest I need. I'm very selfish with my sleep time because I know that I quickly deteriorate without. I drink lots of water. And sometimes I eat healthy. Clearly exercise needs to become more routine.
5. How am I taking care of myself spiritually?
I pray, I study my scriptures, I write about and talk about what I learn. I am actively trying to magnify my calling. I read or listen to devotionals, general conference talks, and other resources on lds.org. I am seeking out ways to strengthen my relationship with my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost and it is blessing my life immensely.
6. How have I neglected loving interactions with my family or been unaware of their physical and emotional needs?
Just last week I was super impatient with my 1 year old all day because of the distress I was feeling about the effects of this addiction. I was also in a grumpy mood around my parents and brother and was more rude and short-tempered than I usually would have been. I completely forgot to get together with my best friend TWICE in one week because I was distracted by my emotional turmoil. TWICE I totally stood her up. Thank goodness she is forgiving.
Friday, September 19, 2014
Step One - Part 1
I started learning about steps and recovery and addiction many years ago. I didn't get my own Healing Through Christ manual until about 6 months ago. I've read it here and there and worked my own recovery through many other methods but I haven't taken the time to read and implement the 12 steps in order, thoroughly. I decided to keep working on that because I believe only good things can happen from the principles in these steps! I'm working the steps in the Healing Through Christ manual, which is a 12 step adaptation for loved ones of addicts focused on Christ and His teachings.
Step 1 - Come to understand and accept that we are powerless over the addiction of a loved one and recognize that our lives have become unmanageable.
ADMITTING THAT I AM POWERLESS
1) How does an understanding of the powerful disease of addiction help me recognize that I am powerless to control my loved one's addictive behaviors and choices?
In the first year of marriage I didn't understand this well at all. I just couldn't wrap my head around why he kept choosing to look at pornography and masturbate when he said he loved me! As I learned more about addiction and learned just how much this behavior has become ingrained in the life of an addict, and how there are things deeper and more hidden contributing to his impulses I saw how I was powerless. I was able to stop trying to stay up all night so he wouldn't act out, or throw resources in his face to make him see how much he hurts me and should therefore stop, or any of the other countless methods I tried to control him and his addiction.
His brain is literally broken. Learning about the science behind what pornography does to the brain, re-wiring and diminishing impulse control, and so on, helped me see how powerless I am over his addiciton.
If I am powerless over the addiction, then I am powerless to stop it, or keep it going, and affect it in any way. Therefore: losing weight, more sex, less sex, make-up, shaved legs, compassion, affection, anger, hurt, selflessness, selfishness, leaving, staying, watching, staying up at night, yelling, being a doormat, and all the other things won't change the fact that my husband is an addict. How freeing. This means we can stop beating our head against a wall because we are only damaging ourselves and the wall will not come down from these efforts. The addiction is more than curiosity, a bad habit, or looking elsewhere because I'm not _____ enough.
An understanding of addiction helps begin the process of healing for me by freeing me from continuing down roads that are futile.
Step 1 - Come to understand and accept that we are powerless over the addiction of a loved one and recognize that our lives have become unmanageable.
ADMITTING THAT I AM POWERLESS
1) How does an understanding of the powerful disease of addiction help me recognize that I am powerless to control my loved one's addictive behaviors and choices?
In the first year of marriage I didn't understand this well at all. I just couldn't wrap my head around why he kept choosing to look at pornography and masturbate when he said he loved me! As I learned more about addiction and learned just how much this behavior has become ingrained in the life of an addict, and how there are things deeper and more hidden contributing to his impulses I saw how I was powerless. I was able to stop trying to stay up all night so he wouldn't act out, or throw resources in his face to make him see how much he hurts me and should therefore stop, or any of the other countless methods I tried to control him and his addiction.
His brain is literally broken. Learning about the science behind what pornography does to the brain, re-wiring and diminishing impulse control, and so on, helped me see how powerless I am over his addiciton.
If I am powerless over the addiction, then I am powerless to stop it, or keep it going, and affect it in any way. Therefore: losing weight, more sex, less sex, make-up, shaved legs, compassion, affection, anger, hurt, selflessness, selfishness, leaving, staying, watching, staying up at night, yelling, being a doormat, and all the other things won't change the fact that my husband is an addict. How freeing. This means we can stop beating our head against a wall because we are only damaging ourselves and the wall will not come down from these efforts. The addiction is more than curiosity, a bad habit, or looking elsewhere because I'm not _____ enough.
An understanding of addiction helps begin the process of healing for me by freeing me from continuing down roads that are futile.
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