A few nights ago B forgot to keep the commitment he made of
watching the video Helping Her Heal with me that night. He had made that commitment earlier in the
day – bringing it up and coming up with the time himself.
At the end of the night he asked what was wrong and I told
him that he said he was going to watch that video. His apology was “I’m sorry
but this and this and this came up, as you know, and I forgot so I need you to
give me understanding” To me that is not an apology – he was making excuses
instead of just owning that yes, I made a mistake, and I am sorry how can I
make it up to you?
We argued for about 5 minutes and then I said I didn’t want
to talk about it anymore. He was in victim mode and making the entire
thing about himself and blaming me so I stuck to my own boundary of not continuing such a conversation and he stormed out of the room.
We slept apart.
The next morning before I left for work I asked if he wanted to
talk about anything before I left. He said “You made me feel like a failure and
a scum bag so no” I responded by telling him that I did not call names, I did
not yell, I did not make him feel that way. If he is feeling shame that is on
him and not on me. After a couple minutes of arguing I told him I didn’t want
to talk about it anymore. He kept going. I got up to walk away and he followed
me for the next 10 minutes as I got ready for work. He was yelling, cursing,
and blaming me for everything. It was some of the worst verbal abuse I've experienced from him. Our toddler was pushing him and trying to
protect me. I did not say anything except “I don’t want to talk” and “I just
want this conversation to end” He then said he was going to watch the video now
and went to the computer. I told him, forcefully, that he would not watch that video with
our toddler around. He got up and continued yelling at me. It was my fault that our marriage is falling apart. It was my fault that he felt like crap. It was my fault that we don't get along. I was told that I am to blame for it all, his unhappiness, our unhappiness, parts of his addiction, all of it. At one point we
ended up in the bedroom while I was getting ready. I was still not talking unless I was saying that I didn't want to talk anymore. I tried leaving as he was
still verbally and emotionally abusing me and he wouldn’t let me out. He
wouldn’t let me out for what seemed like a lifetime but was probably more like
a minute. I only said “Please let me out” and after the minute I panicked, my
breath sped up and I yelled “JUST LET ME PASS!” at which point he let me pass –
berating me the entire time.
I felt very scared for my safety when he trapped me in my
own room. He physically stayed in my way. He's never hit me or shoved me but in that moment I was terrified that he might, especially if I tried to force my way past him.
Just before I left I asked if he wanted me to take little man for 5 minutes so he could cool down and he started yelling again so I just
left. He told me congratulations on traumatizing our son, that it was my fault that our little boy had now witnessed such ugliness.
That day was hard. I called a friend and sobbed. I called my dad, our bishop, and sobbed. I called our therapist and sobbed. They all told me the same thing, he was not allowed to cross that line and I needed to make it clear that this would never happen again. I was grateful for their reassurance of what I knew in my heart. At work that morning a friend asked if I was okay. I broke down into wracking sobs again. I was barely holding it together all day. Scratch that I wasn't holding it together all day, only for about 1 hour spurts.
I should mention when I was a teenager my first boyfriend shoved me down the stairs once. And after we broke up he trapped me in a car for 30+ minutes while he verbally and emotionally abused me. I believe this experience with B traumatized me so much because it brought the same fear and helplessness to my heart that I experienced as that 16 year old girl.
That day, that B treated me this way, I was ready to tell him to move out of our room for good, or possibly out of our home. All day I found myself walking with my head facing down looking at the ground. My beautiful friend who was my first call had reminded me to not let him take away who I am. I am a strong, beautiful, smart woman and he doesn't get to treat me like that and I am not what he called me and I am not responsible for the things he blamed me for. Throughout the day I reminded myself to hold my head up high and push my shoulders back and walk tall. I AM a strong woman. I CAN stand up for myself. I DO NOT deserve the treatment I received and I DO have choices.
It was a bad day.
