Step Two: Emotional Healing (Surrendering my Fears)

Fear is so powerful. When I am feeling fearful I can hardly focus on anything else. I become immobilized. There is still a lot I fear, especially where this addiction is concerned. 

I am afraid that I will need to leave B at some point.

I am afraid that B will leave me.

I am afraid that we'll make it through this life but we won't be able to be together in the next.

I am afraid of how this addiction will affect my son.

I am afraid that B will never be sober or overcome his addiction.

I am afraid of the addiction escalating to more than it is now.

So, what will happen if some of all of these things come true? In the scriptures Job says:

Job 3:25 "For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me"

And you know what, he survived. He has now become a shining example of faith and perseverance and trust in God. The thing which he GREATLY FEARED happened. And he was okay. Even if all the things on my list happen, I know that I will be okay because the Savior is on my side and has gone before me. 

One of my best friends had to leave a marriage filled with this lust addiction, infidelity, emotional abuse, and physical abuse. When she got married it was in the temple, full of hope, and love, and trust. I daresay that some of her greatest fears were similar to the ones I've listed and she had to live them and so much more. And I watched it shake her to the very core. It shook her self-esteem, her testimony, her trust in herself, her emotional well-being. But then I watched her overcome. I watched her choose to rely on the Savior even when she wasn't sure if it would help. I watched her choose to go to church when people were judging her divorce. I watched her learn to love again and trust again with the Savior's help. The world is chalk-full of stories of people who have faced their greatest fears and who have SURVIVED and even THRIVED. 

If I leave B, or if B leaves me, or if our son has emotional scars, or if B is never sober, or he does other things that hurt me, I will SURVIVE and I will THRIVE because Heavenly Father has a plan for me and that includes sending His Son to die for me so that I can survive and thrive. My Savior understands, and He knows, and He will help to heal me, to put me back together, and to make me whole should I have to face my fears. 

Step Two - Part 1: Spiritual Healing

As I was reading through step two there was so much that pulled at my heart, and rang true, and touched my spirit.

Yesterday I felt unsure about whether B's assurance that he hadn't acted out recently was true. I'm still not sure if it is true. So, I went snooping. I'm not proud of it really, but I just wanted to see if there was something I should know. Recently I've been led to evidence of his lies and thought maybe I'd find more. I found something from 2 full years ago so that wasn't evidence of a lie, but it wasn't fun to find either. I also found videos that weren't porn but certainly weren't appropriate that had been viewed somewhat recently but I can't tell when. It kind of threw me a little. Basically, I think he has probably been qualifying what is porn and what isn't when I ask and has deemed this type of thing not necessary to disclose. So, more evidence of lies. Yikes. This could have led me down a dark path emotionally and spiritually but for some reason although there are still emotions to process I didn't feel the kind of despair I was expecting. I fully give credit to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I've stuck, so far, to my resolution to read some scripture ever day and so yesterday I had and was fortified with the gospel of Christ against feelings of hopelessness and despair. I was able to see more clearly the choices before me of reaction versus response and I was able to go to my Heavenly Father in prayer.

A quote that really struck me in this step under the "Spiritual Healing" subtitle was one by Elder Bednar: “There is no physical pain, no anguish of soul, no suffering of spirit, no infirmity or weakness that you or I ever experience during our mortal journey that the Savior did not experience first. You and I in a moment of weakness may cry out, ‘No one understands. No one knows.’ No human being, perhaps, knows. But the Son of God perfectly knows and understands, for He felt and bore our burdens before we ever did. And because He paid the ultimate price and bore that burden, He has perfect empathy and can extend to us His arm of mercy in so many phases of our life. He can reach out, touch and succor—literally run to us—and strengthen us to be more than we could ever be and help us to do that which we could never do through relying only upon our own power.”

I pictured my Savior literally running to me as I fall to the floor in emotional and spiritual pain. I pictured Him hugging me and just understanding my pain and being concerned with just me in that moment. I know that He understands. I know that He can succor us and empathize and understand. I know that although I feel alone sometimes I am never alone unless I choose to be alone. Someday this trial will all make sense and I will see how I have been purified by the refiner's fire and been made better by my journey.

In recognition of the tender mercies of the Lord I would like to say that I went to bed unsure last night of how I would feel this morning and how I would interact with B. He chose to sleep separate because he'd stayed up late - meaning he CHOSE to adhere to a boundary that he has been disregarding about bed-time. Miracle. And this morning he gave me a big embrace and just held me, like he meant it, and he tenderly told me he loved me before I told him. That doesn't happen all that often. His tender moments aren't his forte and it just spoke to my soul that although there are things I can't trust I do know that he loves me and that Heavenly Father and my Savior love me and are aware of me. They knew I needed a little extra reassurance this morning and gave it to me without me having to bring anything up.