My husband told me last night he is back to one day sober. Per my boundary we sleep apart after he acts out. He told me he wanted to sleep in the bed. I slept on the couch, which felt like an added betrayal - First you are going to hurt me and then you are going to put your night's rest above mine... Thanks.
I'm grateful that he told me, and he told me sooner than at our agreed upon once a week check in.
I'm grateful to have somewhere to go today.
I'm grateful for other things to focus on (a sister's wedding, my graduate school research)
I'm grateful for scriptures - I am in 3 Nephi right now while I listen on my commute every day. I'm grateful that I am in the middle of Christ speaking.
I'm grateful for my sons.
I'm grateful that my husband was calm this morning.
I'm grateful for Dr. Pepper.
I'm grateful for dark chocolate.
I'm grateful that I have recently been upping my recovery work so I am a bit more prepared for this.
I am trying to focus on things I am grateful for so that these thoughts might drown out the anger and sorrow and emptiness and apathy and frustration and betrayal and keep me from going down the rabbit hole. My husband refuses to answer any questions about his behavior and will only say that he acted out. I have two questions I ask - where were you and where were the kids? He will not answer anything and told me so before I even had a chance to ask. He puts pennies in the trust jar by telling me, ahead of schedule even, and then dumps out a whole handful by following it up with "But no questions and I won't sleep on the couch"... So, I'm a bit confused.
I know I will be okay at some point. That point is not today. I will focus on gratitude and will work to let myself feel all of the emotions and lean into them so I can go through them.
Showing posts with label boundaries. Show all posts
Showing posts with label boundaries. Show all posts
Friday, June 23, 2017
Friday, June 2, 2017
Therapy today did not go super well
This post will probably be some word vomit as I don't have a particular thought to share but lots of feelings.
Today was couples therapy. It was rough. I had put a pin in something until we could discuss it at therapy so we did today. It was about boundaries and safety and 90% of the time was my husband talking very passionately about how he doesn't need to tell me anything, I judge him, he doesn't trust me, he won't tell me things until I have earned his trust (by not being hurt by his disclosures), and I don't respect him, and much more. It is very very hard to not interrupt and prove him wrong on all of his exaggerated accusations but I believe the therapist knows that my husband is viewing it all through an addict lense and the lense of very very very low self-esteem and very high co-dependency so I mostly just let them talk.
Thankfully on the way home we were driving separately. As I drove I sobbed and I screamed at him. It is not my job to fix him, it is not my job to be his soft place to land when he betrays me - he has a sponsor and a wide net of SA friends for this very purpose. I get to have expectations, they are very low, but I still get to have them. I have a right to share my story when I deem fit. This has happened 4 times, total, ever, by me, and he resents every single one of them still apparently because it came up today. It is his story and I stole it, don'tcha know? It is not my job to shield him from the consequences of his actions. It IS my job to work on my own healing. It is my job to set healthy boundaries for myself to protect myself from the addict that he won't protect me from. It IS my job to take care of myself. It IS my job to seek forgiveness even if it doesn't come with trusting him and even if we don't stay together. Forgiveness is for me, not for him.
I find it so ironic, all the things he said about me, when I could give it back to him 100 fold. He referenced how sharing my story was showing a lack of respect for him but it certainly seems like verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and infidelity in the form of pornography are not showing much respect for me. He claimed I told the whole world, it was four people. In his eyes he is certainly the victim. Pretty sure I'm the one who has never sought out pornography. I'm the one who hasn't lied. I'm the one who hasn't used him as a sex toy.
Mostly I'm sad. He was doing really well for so long but he has, for a couple months, been pulling back and wanting to withhold more information and wanting me to "be over it" and "accept him". I'm just sad that I currently don't see a way out of the mess. So much trust has been broken. It really did damage when he told me that he has not been reporting on his seeking out of "soft core" videos and images - because I didn't need to know. We agreed over a year ago that he would disclose this information when I found a bunch a watched "dance" videos on his youtube account while he was purportedly sober. Apparently he changed his mind about what to disclose without telling me.
I am not interested in going backwards. I will not go back to a place of not knowing and ignoring and letting myself get trampled. I have no interest in a married without transparency.
In therapy the therapist asked if we could change the wording from "I expect transparency" to "We are working toward transparency" I said no. I expressed that "we are working toward" is too vague and he agreed that it gives room for justification and no accountability.
We are at an impasse where I don't trust him to tell me what I expect to be told in order to continue working on our marriage and he thinks that I am "stuck" and I need to change and he doesn't need to tell me, the work on our marriage is separate from his disclosures. Neither of us have budged in two months of this discussion.
Today was couples therapy. It was rough. I had put a pin in something until we could discuss it at therapy so we did today. It was about boundaries and safety and 90% of the time was my husband talking very passionately about how he doesn't need to tell me anything, I judge him, he doesn't trust me, he won't tell me things until I have earned his trust (by not being hurt by his disclosures), and I don't respect him, and much more. It is very very hard to not interrupt and prove him wrong on all of his exaggerated accusations but I believe the therapist knows that my husband is viewing it all through an addict lense and the lense of very very very low self-esteem and very high co-dependency so I mostly just let them talk.
Thankfully on the way home we were driving separately. As I drove I sobbed and I screamed at him. It is not my job to fix him, it is not my job to be his soft place to land when he betrays me - he has a sponsor and a wide net of SA friends for this very purpose. I get to have expectations, they are very low, but I still get to have them. I have a right to share my story when I deem fit. This has happened 4 times, total, ever, by me, and he resents every single one of them still apparently because it came up today. It is his story and I stole it, don'tcha know? It is not my job to shield him from the consequences of his actions. It IS my job to work on my own healing. It is my job to set healthy boundaries for myself to protect myself from the addict that he won't protect me from. It IS my job to take care of myself. It IS my job to seek forgiveness even if it doesn't come with trusting him and even if we don't stay together. Forgiveness is for me, not for him.
I find it so ironic, all the things he said about me, when I could give it back to him 100 fold. He referenced how sharing my story was showing a lack of respect for him but it certainly seems like verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and infidelity in the form of pornography are not showing much respect for me. He claimed I told the whole world, it was four people. In his eyes he is certainly the victim. Pretty sure I'm the one who has never sought out pornography. I'm the one who hasn't lied. I'm the one who hasn't used him as a sex toy.
Mostly I'm sad. He was doing really well for so long but he has, for a couple months, been pulling back and wanting to withhold more information and wanting me to "be over it" and "accept him". I'm just sad that I currently don't see a way out of the mess. So much trust has been broken. It really did damage when he told me that he has not been reporting on his seeking out of "soft core" videos and images - because I didn't need to know. We agreed over a year ago that he would disclose this information when I found a bunch a watched "dance" videos on his youtube account while he was purportedly sober. Apparently he changed his mind about what to disclose without telling me.
I am not interested in going backwards. I will not go back to a place of not knowing and ignoring and letting myself get trampled. I have no interest in a married without transparency.
In therapy the therapist asked if we could change the wording from "I expect transparency" to "We are working toward transparency" I said no. I expressed that "we are working toward" is too vague and he agreed that it gives room for justification and no accountability.
We are at an impasse where I don't trust him to tell me what I expect to be told in order to continue working on our marriage and he thinks that I am "stuck" and I need to change and he doesn't need to tell me, the work on our marriage is separate from his disclosures. Neither of us have budged in two months of this discussion.
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
What I can't control
What I can't control:
1) Whether or not B lies to me.
2) Whether or not I ever find out the truth I so desperately want to know.
"We enable our addicted loved ones when we interfere with the natural consequences of their addictive behaviors by lying or making excuses for them to family, friends, employers, or others. We enable when we do not set appropriate boundaries or fail to recognize the seriousness of the problem."
B has been reverting to addict behaviors, even if not acting out, for over a month. I was in denial telling myself, "this is just a phase" "he is just tired" "we just need to move and then it will be better." Because of this denial I was swallowing the hurt over and over and not upholding appropriate boundaries. Now I am upholding my boundaries, and recognizing the behavior for what it is, and he is pissed because the addict is fighting against the natural consequences of his behavior.
My question today: How do I love B while still upholding boundaries to keep myself safe? I cannot control whether he feels loved or unloved, after all feelings are not facts. He has frequently accused me of not loving him and of judging him recently. However, I cannot argue with an addict - that is crazy making. I believe I have loved him as best I can. I have also needed space to heal from the hurt and the emotional roller coaster and abuse he throws at me. Whether or not he feels it - I would like to find a balance of showing love while still upholding boundaries and allowing for natural consequences. How can this be accomplished?
1) Whether or not B lies to me.
2) Whether or not I ever find out the truth I so desperately want to know.
"We enable our addicted loved ones when we interfere with the natural consequences of their addictive behaviors by lying or making excuses for them to family, friends, employers, or others. We enable when we do not set appropriate boundaries or fail to recognize the seriousness of the problem."
B has been reverting to addict behaviors, even if not acting out, for over a month. I was in denial telling myself, "this is just a phase" "he is just tired" "we just need to move and then it will be better." Because of this denial I was swallowing the hurt over and over and not upholding appropriate boundaries. Now I am upholding my boundaries, and recognizing the behavior for what it is, and he is pissed because the addict is fighting against the natural consequences of his behavior.
My question today: How do I love B while still upholding boundaries to keep myself safe? I cannot control whether he feels loved or unloved, after all feelings are not facts. He has frequently accused me of not loving him and of judging him recently. However, I cannot argue with an addict - that is crazy making. I believe I have loved him as best I can. I have also needed space to heal from the hurt and the emotional roller coaster and abuse he throws at me. Whether or not he feels it - I would like to find a balance of showing love while still upholding boundaries and allowing for natural consequences. How can this be accomplished?
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
What's my next move? I have OPTIONS.
On a forum I participate in, I shared that I recently caught my husband in a lie. One friend asked me, "What is your next move?" (thank you Daisy!)
It let me come up with more specifics about what I was going to do and articulate more clearly what my actions are going to be moving forward. Much of what I listed were things relating to old boundaries, and habits that I know bring me peace. The wonderful thing about this exercise was the reminder that I HAVE OPTIONS!
We, all of us, have options. We might be powerless over the addiction and we are powerless over the actions of others but we still have lots of power. We have power over ourselves and our actions and our choices. I have options. I am not trapped. I feel trapped sometimes and my options aren't necessarily ideal, but I do have options and I can help make myself safe and whole.
Isn't it beautiful that we have power that can't be taken from us? Isn't it so wonderful that our Heavenly Father gave us agency, and that this agency can not be taken from us? As I have worked recovery, been to therapy, worked steps, learned from women wiser than myself, and relied on the Savior, I've found more confidence in myself and my ability to make good decisions. I've discovered more of the options that are always before me.
My options aren't ideal. My husband has been caught in a lie and there is fall-out to deal with, but it can be dealt with and I have tools and I have options.
I am woman. Hear me roar. :)
It let me come up with more specifics about what I was going to do and articulate more clearly what my actions are going to be moving forward. Much of what I listed were things relating to old boundaries, and habits that I know bring me peace. The wonderful thing about this exercise was the reminder that I HAVE OPTIONS!
We, all of us, have options. We might be powerless over the addiction and we are powerless over the actions of others but we still have lots of power. We have power over ourselves and our actions and our choices. I have options. I am not trapped. I feel trapped sometimes and my options aren't necessarily ideal, but I do have options and I can help make myself safe and whole.
Isn't it beautiful that we have power that can't be taken from us? Isn't it so wonderful that our Heavenly Father gave us agency, and that this agency can not be taken from us? As I have worked recovery, been to therapy, worked steps, learned from women wiser than myself, and relied on the Savior, I've found more confidence in myself and my ability to make good decisions. I've discovered more of the options that are always before me.
My options aren't ideal. My husband has been caught in a lie and there is fall-out to deal with, but it can be dealt with and I have tools and I have options.
I am woman. Hear me roar. :)
Monday, June 8, 2015
One Step Back, Two Baby Steps Forward: Part III
So, for the final baby step of the big step back and two steps forward we go to The Lion King.
We watched it with our son and we both had moments, for very different reasons. I might talk more about what I found in it in another post. B was very touched by the part where Mufasa appears in the stars and reminds Simba who he is. See the scene below.
On Sunday we were discussing our days and B indicated he is on a spiritual high and that he feels he is on the cusp of a change in perspective about his worth. I think he is so close to believing he has individual worth, because it is his birthright. It is something that contradicts nearly everything he has been taught to believe about himself so that knowledge will not come easily. The adversary will be putting up a big fight in B's journey to that part of his testimony. I hope he gets there though. His baby steps toward that knowledge is encouraging because I really feel it would change a lot. It would give him hope where he previously hasn't had any because he has such incredibly low self-esteem and such a low sense of worth.
This makes me grateful for the Young Women values. I had lessons on individual worth all through my teenage years. I might not have let it all sink in, and I have had my struggles. But I had the vocabulary, I had the lessons in the back on my mind somewhere, I have the theme to fall back on. As I have found more of my own confidence in my recovery journey I have changed for the better. I have become less willing to have things in my life that detract from the spirit. I have found my voice more. I have hopes that as B works to discover his self-worth he will have some of the same benefits.
This is a hard place. After such a huge blow up, and the feelings of being unsafe and all the emotional and verbal abuse it is hard to be in a good space. His honesty in the past few days and his efforts to keep out the spiritual and to dig deeper into himself have been baby steps in the right direction. I feel that these are not fake moments, but I also know that the spiritual high will come down. The temptations will return. The long-practiced patterns of blaming, abusing will still be the default so there is lots of work to be done.
For now, I'm glad he seems to be really trying to do the work. I have said, in no uncertain terms, that I will not be physically trapped again. I will not be fearful for my safety. If there is a next time he will be moving out, because it is just not ok at all. We slept in the same bed last night but today we both agreed that it was too soon and we will be sleeping apart for at least another week. I still feel raw. I am so hurt and betrayed. I feel weak and afraid. I feel sad and abused. I feel calm and hopeful. None of it makes sense but I have decided to just have confidence in myself and my ability to just live in the moment. If the moment is hopeful I am giving myself permission to have hope. If the moment is happy I am giving myself permission to be happy with B. If the moment is sad then I have permission to just be sad. If the moment is raw and emotional then I give myself permission to be raw, to require space, to want hugs, to want distance, to express myself or to keep it to myself to stay safe. I just am allowed to feel whatever I feel and do whatever is right for that moment, for that day.
In this moment I have hope and I have very real trauma to work through and that is okay. I am a daughter of God and with that comes power to overcome this trauma.
We watched it with our son and we both had moments, for very different reasons. I might talk more about what I found in it in another post. B was very touched by the part where Mufasa appears in the stars and reminds Simba who he is. See the scene below.
On Sunday we were discussing our days and B indicated he is on a spiritual high and that he feels he is on the cusp of a change in perspective about his worth. I think he is so close to believing he has individual worth, because it is his birthright. It is something that contradicts nearly everything he has been taught to believe about himself so that knowledge will not come easily. The adversary will be putting up a big fight in B's journey to that part of his testimony. I hope he gets there though. His baby steps toward that knowledge is encouraging because I really feel it would change a lot. It would give him hope where he previously hasn't had any because he has such incredibly low self-esteem and such a low sense of worth.
This makes me grateful for the Young Women values. I had lessons on individual worth all through my teenage years. I might not have let it all sink in, and I have had my struggles. But I had the vocabulary, I had the lessons in the back on my mind somewhere, I have the theme to fall back on. As I have found more of my own confidence in my recovery journey I have changed for the better. I have become less willing to have things in my life that detract from the spirit. I have found my voice more. I have hopes that as B works to discover his self-worth he will have some of the same benefits.
This is a hard place. After such a huge blow up, and the feelings of being unsafe and all the emotional and verbal abuse it is hard to be in a good space. His honesty in the past few days and his efforts to keep out the spiritual and to dig deeper into himself have been baby steps in the right direction. I feel that these are not fake moments, but I also know that the spiritual high will come down. The temptations will return. The long-practiced patterns of blaming, abusing will still be the default so there is lots of work to be done.
For now, I'm glad he seems to be really trying to do the work. I have said, in no uncertain terms, that I will not be physically trapped again. I will not be fearful for my safety. If there is a next time he will be moving out, because it is just not ok at all. We slept in the same bed last night but today we both agreed that it was too soon and we will be sleeping apart for at least another week. I still feel raw. I am so hurt and betrayed. I feel weak and afraid. I feel sad and abused. I feel calm and hopeful. None of it makes sense but I have decided to just have confidence in myself and my ability to just live in the moment. If the moment is hopeful I am giving myself permission to have hope. If the moment is happy I am giving myself permission to be happy with B. If the moment is sad then I have permission to just be sad. If the moment is raw and emotional then I give myself permission to be raw, to require space, to want hugs, to want distance, to express myself or to keep it to myself to stay safe. I just am allowed to feel whatever I feel and do whatever is right for that moment, for that day.
In this moment I have hope and I have very real trauma to work through and that is okay. I am a daughter of God and with that comes power to overcome this trauma.
Saturday, May 23, 2015
Silly Addict - Card Games are For Emotionally Stable People
Had a great couple of days lately. My siblings and I went to a wedding today, which was beautiful. After the toddler was in bed we all decided to play a card game (similar to phase 10). We were all laughing and having fun. B wasn't doing particularly well, in a game that is largely the luck of the draw. Oh well, it is A GAME.
He came in 3rd of 4th. He is now storming around. I asked him if he was okay. He got all pissy and ranted about how everything just reminds him of what a failure he is, yada yada yada. I reminded him it is just a game and he didn't even come in last. He's now banging around in the kitchen. (At least he's taking it out on the dishes by cleaning them!)
Welp, guess our run of a week of getting along is over! And my guess, acting out won't be too many days (or hours) behind. Who knows, maybe he is storming around because he acted out while we were all gone to the wedding.
But now for the good stuff - I didn't rescue when he went into victim mode. I didn't continue the argument either. Instead I got on my blog and decided to contemplate boundaries around playing games, and what self-care I should participate in to make sure I don't get sucked into the black hole of darkness that is currently storming around the house.
I think a good night's sleep is in order. :) And since playing games with my family makes me happy I'll probably play more tomorrow and he probably won't be invited.
He came in 3rd of 4th. He is now storming around. I asked him if he was okay. He got all pissy and ranted about how everything just reminds him of what a failure he is, yada yada yada. I reminded him it is just a game and he didn't even come in last. He's now banging around in the kitchen. (At least he's taking it out on the dishes by cleaning them!)
Welp, guess our run of a week of getting along is over! And my guess, acting out won't be too many days (or hours) behind. Who knows, maybe he is storming around because he acted out while we were all gone to the wedding.
But now for the good stuff - I didn't rescue when he went into victim mode. I didn't continue the argument either. Instead I got on my blog and decided to contemplate boundaries around playing games, and what self-care I should participate in to make sure I don't get sucked into the black hole of darkness that is currently storming around the house.
I think a good night's sleep is in order. :) And since playing games with my family makes me happy I'll probably play more tomorrow and he probably won't be invited.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Self-Care, A New Boundary, and how addicts deceive themselves
Yesterday was disclosure day. B actually did it first thing in the morning which was good (the past two weeks he tried to skip it completely). He had acted out the day before, twice, including masturbating in OUR bed while I was at work. He's done this before. I try to not think about it. Yesterday I hit my limit on that one though. After work I spent $200 and got all new bedding, including a darling eyelet dust ruffle, shams, decorative pillow, the works, and new curtains/rods, and a new large piece of art for the bedroom, frames, etc. Then I came home and was on a mission - pulled out the power drill for the curtain rods, re-did the whole bed, hung the new art, moved some decor around, and it was fabulous! The new stuff is bright and yellow and aqua and sunny and happy.
Then I told B that I have a new boundary. I am asking him to never view pornography or masturbate in our room, in MY ROOM, because I need my room to be a safe place free of his addiction. If he does act out in any way in our room, he will move out of our room and into the baby's room, who will move in with me. I didn't put a time limit but I made clear it would be dresser and all. My bedroom gets to be a safe place gosh darn it! He didn't put up a fight but he is clearly depressed, and mad at himself because of his acting out. I did not force myself to be supportive and encouraging when he first disclosed. I just thanked him for his honesty and went on my way. I am not taking on his negativity, I got yellow bedding instead!
As I was changing the bedding by myself I found a notebook hidden under the mattress. I don't even think he put two and two together when he saw the new bedding that I MUST have found it. I skimmed it to see if it was what I thought it was. It was a journal, with only two entries. In glancing over them I saw it was much more of the criticism he had leveled at me the other day. I didn't read more than a few sentences but he was fuming, and it was all about how I am screwing up life by applying recovery principles to other aspects of life. For a hot second I was raging. By the time my bed was all made though I was calmed, just another example of how addicts deceive themselves into believing things that aren't true. He's so incapable, or scared, of facing the truth of his life that all of his energy lately is spent focusing on me and what he deems to be my mistakes that are causing "damage" to me and to us. HA.
Watch out mr. addict man. This woman has new happy sheets and you are not about to ruin them with your nasty addiction - and pretty soon that confidence will spill over into other rooms in our home and you'll be fresh out of places to act out without severe consequences! Addict B is so stupid and selfish. Non-addict mode B is awesome. Too bad he can't separate them, because kicking addict B out of our room will also kick the other one out. Hopefully it doesn't come to that but I'm 98.62% sure it will, just a matter of time.
Then I told B that I have a new boundary. I am asking him to never view pornography or masturbate in our room, in MY ROOM, because I need my room to be a safe place free of his addiction. If he does act out in any way in our room, he will move out of our room and into the baby's room, who will move in with me. I didn't put a time limit but I made clear it would be dresser and all. My bedroom gets to be a safe place gosh darn it! He didn't put up a fight but he is clearly depressed, and mad at himself because of his acting out. I did not force myself to be supportive and encouraging when he first disclosed. I just thanked him for his honesty and went on my way. I am not taking on his negativity, I got yellow bedding instead!
As I was changing the bedding by myself I found a notebook hidden under the mattress. I don't even think he put two and two together when he saw the new bedding that I MUST have found it. I skimmed it to see if it was what I thought it was. It was a journal, with only two entries. In glancing over them I saw it was much more of the criticism he had leveled at me the other day. I didn't read more than a few sentences but he was fuming, and it was all about how I am screwing up life by applying recovery principles to other aspects of life. For a hot second I was raging. By the time my bed was all made though I was calmed, just another example of how addicts deceive themselves into believing things that aren't true. He's so incapable, or scared, of facing the truth of his life that all of his energy lately is spent focusing on me and what he deems to be my mistakes that are causing "damage" to me and to us. HA.
Watch out mr. addict man. This woman has new happy sheets and you are not about to ruin them with your nasty addiction - and pretty soon that confidence will spill over into other rooms in our home and you'll be fresh out of places to act out without severe consequences! Addict B is so stupid and selfish. Non-addict mode B is awesome. Too bad he can't separate them, because kicking addict B out of our room will also kick the other one out. Hopefully it doesn't come to that but I'm 98.62% sure it will, just a matter of time.
Monday, May 11, 2015
Hearing the Drama Triangle in action
We were surrounded by beautiful forest, and sunshine, and a blue sky on our drive to therapy last week. It takes about 35 minutes to get there. Inside the car was basically a dark, black, stuffy cloud of anger, hostility, and drama.
We got into a disagreement about something minor, I can't remember what. He got testy and upset so I got quiet. I hate being trapped in a car while we are arguing. He asked if that was all that was bothering me. I said no but I didn't want to talk about it right now. (I could tell he wasn't a safe place to talk to about what was really bothering me. )
What was bothering me: He had, for the second week in a row, skipped our weekly check-in in which we talk about his addiction, any acting out that has occurred, the recovery effort's we've both made etc. On the advice of our therapist I've agreed to try to let him be the one to bring the topic up so he can "practice using his courage." The check-in didn't happen. We were on our way to therapy and I hadn't heard anything in a week, I was anxious about it. I was fearful of what I didn't know. I was angry that he, yet again, can't keep a simple commitment of once a week check-ins. It seems to me that keeping simple commitments would be a good way for him to show me he is trust-worthy. But, he was on edge and testy and irritable in the car so now was certainly not the time to express my anxiety and fears.
Enter drama triangle tactics from B.
I succumbed and told him what was bothering me. Just as you might expect, it didn't go well. Within five minutes we were screaming at each other. He was pointing and cursing and there was no logic to be found. He would accuse and I would try to re-explain (loudly, and with lots of tears) and it would fall on deaf ears so I would try again (even more loudly, with more tears, and probably some cursing of my own) as he was cursing and yelling. After another couple minutes I stopped talking. I told him I was done talking until we got to therapy and I sat there and sobbed to myself as he continued to berate me.
What was interesting though is once I finally shut up I could hear just how illogical everything he was saying really was. I could hear SO CLEARLY the drama triangle at work. He tried for the first five minutes to pull me back in by persecuting me. When that didn't work he switched to being the victim trying to draw me out into the rescuer role. That is when I really wanted to give in. I wanted to contradict his "I'm so useless. I'm such a failure. Clearly you don't even love me at all since you aren't disagreeing..." etc. I felt myself REALLY wanting to go in and "rescue" but I kept my mouth shut. Eventually he ran out of steam since I wasn't talking, or looking at him, or moving, and we just rode in silence.
It taught me somethings, or rather, reminded me of some things.
1) Always trust yourself. When he doesn't feel safe to open up to, DON'T OPEN UP. If I'd have kept to that prompting it would have been a much easier car ride.
2) When B is in addict mode, he isn't behaving logically, and his arguments are not logical, and it is illogical to try and talk reasonably with him. It is only harming myself to try and reason with him in that state.
3) It takes two to make an argument. I can just stop. I doesn't mean he is right. It doesn't mean I am wrong. It doesn't mean I am weak. It doesn't mean I'm giving up. It means I am taking a break from the conversation because one or both of us are not in the right mind-set to have a productive conversation about this topic.
4) Listening can teach us so much more than talking.
I hate addiction. I hate this addiction. I hate pornography and masturbation. I still love B. I hope that my love for him can last longer than it takes him to get into recovery. I hope that my desire to stay lasts longer than it takes for him to get sober and get serious about making changes. I know I won't just go back to ignoring everything for years like he wants me to do. I don't know what will last longer, the addiction or our marriage.
Sunday, May 3, 2015
Refreshing Honesty
Today B and I had a very real, honest, and open conversation about our sex life. It was so nice because I think we were both on the same page and chose our words carefully to try to fully express ourselves without going into any of the roles in the drama triangle. I feel that it was a baby step in the right direction. We've decided to have a sex fast for a while to get a break from the frustration and hurt that it has caused recently to both of us and to try and reset.
My favorite part of this experience is that he really opened up about what he has been feeling and what his perspective on recent circumstances have been. That afforded me the opportunity to do the same and we both saw how a lack of communication about the subject had made things worse. It made me cry because there was pent up hurt and emotion that was unlocked by his honesty and willingness to listen to my honesty. It felt good to let a few more things out and surrender a little bit more.
Another silly thing dawned on us - before marriage we stayed chaste by having rules and boundaries like many other couples have. The rules were meant to keep us from a situation where our resolve would be tested. The couple times we have tried to have a sex fast in marriage we didn't set up the same boundaries because we just assumed we could stick to our resolve I guess? Well, those didn't last long.
side note***I feel shame even writing that. I feel like having a sex life at all with a lust addict not in recovery is somehow betraying all of the other WoPAs out there. I feel like it means I shouldn't be allowed to be part of their(your) company because they(you) surely take all this so seriously that they(you) wouldn't do this to themselves(yourself) or partners and they(you) all have more self-respect than I do, or something like that. I feel it makes me seem weak to still have any kind of sex life before B is completely sober and in recovery. I feel it makes me part of the problem; If I just stopped having sex completely then I wouldn't feel used because I wouldn't be letting him use me and he would realize I was serious and get his bum in gear. If I just stopped having sex with him then we would be able to focus on everything else and I wouldn't be medicating him with his addiction and enabling him. These feelings of shame and blaming myself for his addiction are probably partly why a sex fast is a good idea.***
We are going to set up some additional boundaries for ourselves because we really do believe we need a period of abstinence to change up our patterns and reset our emotional connection. We have been, in the past month or two, using sex as a way to create an emotional connection rather than celebrate and deepen a strong emotional connection. Not healthy. I am 100% guilty of this too, not just B. When we started therapy and other boundaries got thrown out the window (another story, that I've shared some of in the past) I just kind of let them all go because I felt helpless and trampled on and unsure. Maybe re-figuring everything out is a good thing though. Now we are on the same page and the boundaries (at least these ones, not all of them) will actually be set together because his heart wants to have an emotional connection with me and is slowly seeing that that means sobriety and recovery needs to be worked on.
My favorite part of this experience is that he really opened up about what he has been feeling and what his perspective on recent circumstances have been. That afforded me the opportunity to do the same and we both saw how a lack of communication about the subject had made things worse. It made me cry because there was pent up hurt and emotion that was unlocked by his honesty and willingness to listen to my honesty. It felt good to let a few more things out and surrender a little bit more.
Another silly thing dawned on us - before marriage we stayed chaste by having rules and boundaries like many other couples have. The rules were meant to keep us from a situation where our resolve would be tested. The couple times we have tried to have a sex fast in marriage we didn't set up the same boundaries because we just assumed we could stick to our resolve I guess? Well, those didn't last long.
side note***I feel shame even writing that. I feel like having a sex life at all with a lust addict not in recovery is somehow betraying all of the other WoPAs out there. I feel like it means I shouldn't be allowed to be part of their(your) company because they(you) surely take all this so seriously that they(you) wouldn't do this to themselves(yourself) or partners and they(you) all have more self-respect than I do, or something like that. I feel it makes me seem weak to still have any kind of sex life before B is completely sober and in recovery. I feel it makes me part of the problem; If I just stopped having sex completely then I wouldn't feel used because I wouldn't be letting him use me and he would realize I was serious and get his bum in gear. If I just stopped having sex with him then we would be able to focus on everything else and I wouldn't be medicating him with his addiction and enabling him. These feelings of shame and blaming myself for his addiction are probably partly why a sex fast is a good idea.***
We are going to set up some additional boundaries for ourselves because we really do believe we need a period of abstinence to change up our patterns and reset our emotional connection. We have been, in the past month or two, using sex as a way to create an emotional connection rather than celebrate and deepen a strong emotional connection. Not healthy. I am 100% guilty of this too, not just B. When we started therapy and other boundaries got thrown out the window (another story, that I've shared some of in the past) I just kind of let them all go because I felt helpless and trampled on and unsure. Maybe re-figuring everything out is a good thing though. Now we are on the same page and the boundaries (at least these ones, not all of them) will actually be set together because his heart wants to have an emotional connection with me and is slowly seeing that that means sobriety and recovery needs to be worked on.
Friday, March 13, 2015
Good Advice / Bad Advice
We have a vacation coming up. I'm anxious about it because it is somewhere warm and vacation-y during spring break. Mostly, I'm anxious because the last time we were on a vacation together it was not good. It is a pretty bad memory actually. You can read a bit about it here. Anyway, I'm trying to figure out what to do to prepare myself spiritually and emotionally for potential triggers and for the potential that B will get triggered and pull away from me, behave badly, show his resentment toward me.
I want to discuss a little bit of the advice I've received - good and bad.
Good Advice: Affirmations!
I am safe.
I want to discuss a little bit of the advice I've received - good and bad.
Good Advice: Affirmations!
I am safe.
I am in control of myself.
I am strong.
I am beautiful and my body is a gift.
I have more to say about affirmations... but that is for another time. I think they will help me stay grounded and focused.
I have more to say about affirmations... but that is for another time. I think they will help me stay grounded and focused.
Bad Advice (for me, for right now): Go to B with my vulnerability to give him the opportunity to be compassionate.
This came from our therapist this week. So, just to clarify, I think this is probably great advice for couples with an addict further in his recovery, and a couple further in their marital recovery. However, we are neither. When we left therapy I was pretty upset but we drove home separately so I had some time to collect my thoughts. So far the advice in therapy has been geared toward B, which is good. However, it has also caused me to give up most of my boundaries to follow the advice we are given. Some things have been good, but I'm still trying to figure out my methods of finding safety. This week, I was advised to not bring up anything to do with our weekly discussion about pornography in order to give B the opportunity to practice his courage and come to me. What about when I need to talk about something? I previously found safety by speaking my truth when I felt like it and needed to do so. But then was told to only speak about anything related to pornography (and therefore my healing) once a week. That was HARD to agree to but we've been doing it. Now, I'm not even supposed to bring it up? I'm just supposed to let him be courageous? When he has proven that he is mostly not courageous?
Anyway, I was upset. When we got home B asked me what I thought of the session. I decided to test the waters - B and I were in a better place together than we have been in a couple months so I thought I'd see if he can be a safe place for my vulnerability. I shared that I was upset, that I felt like my tools are being taken away and I'm being dismissed. I shared that I am SO scared of what will happen on vacation. B clammed up, stopped looking at me, put his hands in his pockets and backed away from me physically, and got upset. It became about him, and how this made him feel, and how it is so hard for him. He then said we should just have our once a week meeting and disclosed two-days-in-a-row acting out this week. Then teh conversation was pretty much over.
So, my answer - B is NOT a safe place for my vulnerability. I want him to be, but he is not. So, that advice is not good for me for now. I will have to find another place to share myself and continue to try and be detached and superficial with my husband.
I'm disappointed. However, I am finding courage for myself in owning my reality and making the effort to try new advice and then making an informed decision about my safety.
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Trying Something New
I'm not sure how to fully understand or process so I'm going to word-vomit all over this post.
The other day B and I had a pretty big fight. Little things led to big anger. We ended up having a long discussion and were making progress toward at least being cordial but a sticking point came up. Basically, he is hopeless right now. As a result he feels that it is unfair of me to expect him to be free of pornography and masturbation at some point. He wants there to be room for him to try but never succeed in achieving sobriety and recovery. He is SO scared that he can't get there, that it will never happen. When I told him that I have the right to expect fidelity in my marriage he flew off the handle a bit. He doesn't like the language that labels his actions as unfaithful, cheating, not having fidelity, etc. He says that is shaming and belittling him, and maybe it is. I haven't decided. To me it seems like telling the truth and calling an apple and apple.
Anyway, we ended up talking to our bishop last night. It was hard. The conclusion was we will have an appointed time each week to discuss pornography, the act outs, the emotions, the triggers, etc. We won't discuss it outside of that time with each other. This came about because B feels like that has become all we ever talk about it is taking a toll on our relationship. He doesn't like me anymore, and barely loves me because that is all there is to our relationship and there needs to be more of what builds up a relationship. So, contrary to several of my boundaries I agreed to try a once a week check-in.
I just don't know how I feel about it. On one side it could be good. We have been pretty far apart and it hurts really badly knowing he doesn't find me "emotionally or mentally attractive" at all (not to mention physically). I have been crying myself to sleep more nights than I don't. A few days ago as I was sobbing uncontrollably on the bathroom floor (so I was close to the toilet, crying leads to coughing which leads to vomiting) I thought to myself, "This isn't you. You aren't someone who cries all the time. You are someone who can process her emotions and be logical. You are put-together, and strong. What has happened to you?" So, maybe my boundaries aren't working like I want them to work and I need to reset? Maybe I'm asking for too much information (although I only ask for disclosure, and I NEVER ask what it was, just what device and when). Maybe I really do just need to back up, back off, go to anyone else when I need to talk or have something I want to say. Maybe with space he'll like me again. Maybe with space he'll take care of his own crap?
Then again, maybe my boundaries are working. The times I cry are the times he makes it very clear he doesn't want me, at least not that day. The times I cry are the times I see, all too clearly, that he is in the grips of his addiction and not coming out of it any time soon. The times I cry aren't the times that I share something I learned with him, or the times I talk about the societal problem of pornography. The times I cry are the times I have no idea what is going on and whether or not I'm being used. Not being able to ask about what he has or hasn't viewed, or bring up my fears about what he has or hasn't viewed doesn't seem very productive to my emotional health.
I just have so much fear about this plan. I fear that I'll live in a constant state of worry. I fear that he'll act out and then come sleep next to me, or we'll be intimate when I wouldn't do that if I knew he'd just viewed pornography. I fear it won't change a damn thing about his addiction like he thinks it will but it will deplete me, and take me backwards in my recovery, and when it all comes out I'll feel that much more betrayed. I fear that in those weekly meetings he still won't be honest. I fear that he will tell me he acted out on such-and-such a day and I'll review the entire day after for signs, and I won't find them and I'll feel SO STUPID for not knowing. I fear that I'm enabling.
I fear that I'm letting him get away with it. I realize, that a lot of these fears are because it is forcing me to let go of the facade that I had any control in the first place. Because if I let my guard down, and abandon so many of these boundaries, and I don't talk about anything porn related ALL WEEK then surely he won't even think about trying to recover! If I am not bringing it up, he'll forget that it is bad and a problem that he needs to be working on! If I am not being open and honest with him at all times then he'll think I'm okay with it, when I am not okay with it, and he won't understand just how much he hurts me! - I know all of this is unhealthy and incorrect thinking, I think- It seems that I have been in some way passive aggressively trying to manipulate him into recovery? Maybe all this talk, while it has given me some peace, it has been a false peace, one that isn't based in him changing but in me asserting control of the situation that I really have no control over??
Maybe it is okay to not be so open with B about all this has done, and does to me. I fear anything that resembles hiding and secrecy SO MUCH. So NOT talking about whatever I am thinking or feeling feels like hiding and it makes me so anxious. I'm not supposed to talk about when I'm triggered by a commercial or pop-up. I'm not supposed to talk about this great article I read that taught me something about my recovery. I'm not supposed to talk about how I'm worried about raising a son in this day in age and when he'll be exposed to pornography. I'm not supposed to talk about being worried about my brother. But maybe I can and should find other people/methods for expressing all of this and B doesn't have to be my person? I fear that will take us farther apart, but maybe it won't, maybe it will allow room for us to grow together in the other stuff?
Maybe it is okay if he never understands how much he has hurt me. (This actually scares me a lot. The idea that he can cause SO MUCH hurt, and not understand how much hurt he caused, seems so wrong to me and that scares me) Maybe it is enough that my Savior DOES understand how much I am hurt, have been hurt, and have tried to get over the hurt. The Savior does understand that B is lying to himself when he believes the harm is done by telling me, rather than by the action itself. The Savior won't let him "get away with it" and eventually B will be held accountable for his sins. We are expected to do our best. And maybe with the hand B has been dealt this has been his best. I have hope that there is better in the future, but maybe, just maybe, for now it has been his best with whatever emotional trauma he is hiding under all this addiction. Maybe this new arrangement will force me to dig even deeper for a relationship with my Savior and a release from the bondage of the devil - that bondage being fear. This will grow my patience, and long-suffering, and unconditional love even more perhaps. Perhaps as I strive to remain safe, and healthy emotionally and spiritually without the methods I have been employing I will gain a greater understanding of the gospel, of charity, and of my purpose.
I don't know. There are lots of maybes and question marks in this post. I'm still processing. Any advice from you all would be great. Maybe I'll figure it out. Maybe now that I got all this down I'll be able to focus on my homework.
The other day B and I had a pretty big fight. Little things led to big anger. We ended up having a long discussion and were making progress toward at least being cordial but a sticking point came up. Basically, he is hopeless right now. As a result he feels that it is unfair of me to expect him to be free of pornography and masturbation at some point. He wants there to be room for him to try but never succeed in achieving sobriety and recovery. He is SO scared that he can't get there, that it will never happen. When I told him that I have the right to expect fidelity in my marriage he flew off the handle a bit. He doesn't like the language that labels his actions as unfaithful, cheating, not having fidelity, etc. He says that is shaming and belittling him, and maybe it is. I haven't decided. To me it seems like telling the truth and calling an apple and apple.
Anyway, we ended up talking to our bishop last night. It was hard. The conclusion was we will have an appointed time each week to discuss pornography, the act outs, the emotions, the triggers, etc. We won't discuss it outside of that time with each other. This came about because B feels like that has become all we ever talk about it is taking a toll on our relationship. He doesn't like me anymore, and barely loves me because that is all there is to our relationship and there needs to be more of what builds up a relationship. So, contrary to several of my boundaries I agreed to try a once a week check-in.
I just don't know how I feel about it. On one side it could be good. We have been pretty far apart and it hurts really badly knowing he doesn't find me "emotionally or mentally attractive" at all (not to mention physically). I have been crying myself to sleep more nights than I don't. A few days ago as I was sobbing uncontrollably on the bathroom floor (so I was close to the toilet, crying leads to coughing which leads to vomiting) I thought to myself, "This isn't you. You aren't someone who cries all the time. You are someone who can process her emotions and be logical. You are put-together, and strong. What has happened to you?" So, maybe my boundaries aren't working like I want them to work and I need to reset? Maybe I'm asking for too much information (although I only ask for disclosure, and I NEVER ask what it was, just what device and when). Maybe I really do just need to back up, back off, go to anyone else when I need to talk or have something I want to say. Maybe with space he'll like me again. Maybe with space he'll take care of his own crap?
Then again, maybe my boundaries are working. The times I cry are the times he makes it very clear he doesn't want me, at least not that day. The times I cry are the times I see, all too clearly, that he is in the grips of his addiction and not coming out of it any time soon. The times I cry aren't the times that I share something I learned with him, or the times I talk about the societal problem of pornography. The times I cry are the times I have no idea what is going on and whether or not I'm being used. Not being able to ask about what he has or hasn't viewed, or bring up my fears about what he has or hasn't viewed doesn't seem very productive to my emotional health.
I just have so much fear about this plan. I fear that I'll live in a constant state of worry. I fear that he'll act out and then come sleep next to me, or we'll be intimate when I wouldn't do that if I knew he'd just viewed pornography. I fear it won't change a damn thing about his addiction like he thinks it will but it will deplete me, and take me backwards in my recovery, and when it all comes out I'll feel that much more betrayed. I fear that in those weekly meetings he still won't be honest. I fear that he will tell me he acted out on such-and-such a day and I'll review the entire day after for signs, and I won't find them and I'll feel SO STUPID for not knowing. I fear that I'm enabling.
I fear that I'm letting him get away with it. I realize, that a lot of these fears are because it is forcing me to let go of the facade that I had any control in the first place. Because if I let my guard down, and abandon so many of these boundaries, and I don't talk about anything porn related ALL WEEK then surely he won't even think about trying to recover! If I am not bringing it up, he'll forget that it is bad and a problem that he needs to be working on! If I am not being open and honest with him at all times then he'll think I'm okay with it, when I am not okay with it, and he won't understand just how much he hurts me! - I know all of this is unhealthy and incorrect thinking, I think- It seems that I have been in some way passive aggressively trying to manipulate him into recovery? Maybe all this talk, while it has given me some peace, it has been a false peace, one that isn't based in him changing but in me asserting control of the situation that I really have no control over??
Maybe it is okay to not be so open with B about all this has done, and does to me. I fear anything that resembles hiding and secrecy SO MUCH. So NOT talking about whatever I am thinking or feeling feels like hiding and it makes me so anxious. I'm not supposed to talk about when I'm triggered by a commercial or pop-up. I'm not supposed to talk about this great article I read that taught me something about my recovery. I'm not supposed to talk about how I'm worried about raising a son in this day in age and when he'll be exposed to pornography. I'm not supposed to talk about being worried about my brother. But maybe I can and should find other people/methods for expressing all of this and B doesn't have to be my person? I fear that will take us farther apart, but maybe it won't, maybe it will allow room for us to grow together in the other stuff?
Maybe it is okay if he never understands how much he has hurt me. (This actually scares me a lot. The idea that he can cause SO MUCH hurt, and not understand how much hurt he caused, seems so wrong to me and that scares me) Maybe it is enough that my Savior DOES understand how much I am hurt, have been hurt, and have tried to get over the hurt. The Savior does understand that B is lying to himself when he believes the harm is done by telling me, rather than by the action itself. The Savior won't let him "get away with it" and eventually B will be held accountable for his sins. We are expected to do our best. And maybe with the hand B has been dealt this has been his best. I have hope that there is better in the future, but maybe, just maybe, for now it has been his best with whatever emotional trauma he is hiding under all this addiction. Maybe this new arrangement will force me to dig even deeper for a relationship with my Savior and a release from the bondage of the devil - that bondage being fear. This will grow my patience, and long-suffering, and unconditional love even more perhaps. Perhaps as I strive to remain safe, and healthy emotionally and spiritually without the methods I have been employing I will gain a greater understanding of the gospel, of charity, and of my purpose.
I don't know. There are lots of maybes and question marks in this post. I'm still processing. Any advice from you all would be great. Maybe I'll figure it out. Maybe now that I got all this down I'll be able to focus on my homework.
Friday, January 30, 2015
Implementing Boundaries and The Principle of Reaping What You Sow
My last post was pretty down. I was pretty down. It was therapeutic to get it all out. I want to feel safe. I realized during the day that partly what I had done was not stick to my boundaries when the most recent lie came out. I immediately started trying to make him feel better at the expense of my own sanity. I held on for a couple days but the trauma magnified and I became lost. I lost my footing, my path, and my sanity.
There was some pretty intense praying yesterday and lots of digging deep. If I had neglected my boundaries I really needed to put some in place now to reestablish my safety zone (emotionally speaking). All the way home on my commute I was contemplating what to say to B. I decided on 2 important things - there needed to be a physical separation of sleeping apart for a time in order for me to heal more fully from my most recent betrayal and there needed to be a halt on all sex until I could trust him again.
This second one was big for me folks. It is SO OBVIOUS and everyone knows that trust must be earned back once it has been broken. We all know this. When someone shows you who they are, believe them right? B had showed me over the past couple months he was not capable of being completely truthful where his addiction is concerned. So, why, OH WHY did I keep trusting him? After each find I would take a couple days and then just trust him again. I would believe that I finally had the whole truth, and now I must really know everything. Two weeks go by and BAM, something else, on now I must really know EVERYTHING. Trust. Time. BAM - MORE HIDDEN THINGS UNCOVERED.
Well, I've lost count but maybe this time is the charm. I actually gave myself permission on the way home to NOT trust him when it comes to the addiction. I long ago stopped believing he was not going to look at porn again but for some reason I kept believing he was telling me the full extent of his addiction. I don't know why, rose colored glasses? I never gave myself permission to not trust him because I was scared that not trusting meant something dreadful. It might mean the marriage is over, or trust could never be regained, or that it is worse than I can even know. I was scared that not trusting him made me a bad wife. I wasn't giving him the benefit of the doubt or being charitable. I give myself permission to NOT trust him. I give him permission to EARN my trust back rather than have it handed to him. I told him that he must earn my trust back if he wants it. I told him sex was off the table until that point. I told him we are sleeping apart for a week for me to continue to heal from the betrayal of the lies. It didn't go well, but it could have gone worse. He reacted like an addict, who has been caught, and who doesn't want to face his own reality. This is fine, because that is the place he is in and I can't really expect more than that.
Then something wonderful happened - I felt the burden I'd been carrying around for the past while lift off my shoulders and I could almost see it land on him. The burden of trust is on the person with whom it belongs. If he behaves in a trustworthy manner I will give him my trust back, but not before he has shown efforts in behaving that way.
I know this addiction is SO MUCH for the addict. It is also SO MUCH for the spouse. I feel like he is constantly piling crap on me that I have to sort through and dig out of and clean up from (I LOVE Harriet's post about this imagery). Well, yesterday I got out of the pile and shoved ALL THAT SHIT right back on him. It is his mess to deal with, he has to deal with it. I'm doing neither of us any favors by trying to take some of his crap on myself and get buried by it. It just seemed like I was finally getting out of the way of the principle of reaping what you sow. It felt good.
The other miracle? When I got out of the way and put all that crap back on him it freed me from the chains of despair, bitterness, blame, anger, confusion, and frustration that were tying me down with much more force than I realized. (*mote and beam people*) I was so consumed I couldn't see which way was up and I didn't even know it. I was finally able to see B, and know that I had just piled a bunch of crap on him, and love him and want him to find his way out, but NOT want to rescue him from it. I was able to love him more fully and clearly because I wasn't trying to sort through stuff that wasn't mine. My negative feelings toward him dissipated completely because I finally had done what I had been directed to do for myself by the Savior and was filled with His peace and love.
I'm not saying I'm perfect and I know I won't be able to stay here forever, but I just wanted to write about it. In this moment I an content. My marriage is on the brink of disaster, my husband is in full fledged addict mode and I'm not sure if he can dig himself out any time soon, I still have that daggum rash, but I have peace. I have the companionship of the spirit of the Lord and it is sweet, and kind, and I am not alone.
There was some pretty intense praying yesterday and lots of digging deep. If I had neglected my boundaries I really needed to put some in place now to reestablish my safety zone (emotionally speaking). All the way home on my commute I was contemplating what to say to B. I decided on 2 important things - there needed to be a physical separation of sleeping apart for a time in order for me to heal more fully from my most recent betrayal and there needed to be a halt on all sex until I could trust him again.
This second one was big for me folks. It is SO OBVIOUS and everyone knows that trust must be earned back once it has been broken. We all know this. When someone shows you who they are, believe them right? B had showed me over the past couple months he was not capable of being completely truthful where his addiction is concerned. So, why, OH WHY did I keep trusting him? After each find I would take a couple days and then just trust him again. I would believe that I finally had the whole truth, and now I must really know everything. Two weeks go by and BAM, something else, on now I must really know EVERYTHING. Trust. Time. BAM - MORE HIDDEN THINGS UNCOVERED.
Well, I've lost count but maybe this time is the charm. I actually gave myself permission on the way home to NOT trust him when it comes to the addiction. I long ago stopped believing he was not going to look at porn again but for some reason I kept believing he was telling me the full extent of his addiction. I don't know why, rose colored glasses? I never gave myself permission to not trust him because I was scared that not trusting meant something dreadful. It might mean the marriage is over, or trust could never be regained, or that it is worse than I can even know. I was scared that not trusting him made me a bad wife. I wasn't giving him the benefit of the doubt or being charitable. I give myself permission to NOT trust him. I give him permission to EARN my trust back rather than have it handed to him. I told him that he must earn my trust back if he wants it. I told him sex was off the table until that point. I told him we are sleeping apart for a week for me to continue to heal from the betrayal of the lies. It didn't go well, but it could have gone worse. He reacted like an addict, who has been caught, and who doesn't want to face his own reality. This is fine, because that is the place he is in and I can't really expect more than that.
Then something wonderful happened - I felt the burden I'd been carrying around for the past while lift off my shoulders and I could almost see it land on him. The burden of trust is on the person with whom it belongs. If he behaves in a trustworthy manner I will give him my trust back, but not before he has shown efforts in behaving that way.
I know this addiction is SO MUCH for the addict. It is also SO MUCH for the spouse. I feel like he is constantly piling crap on me that I have to sort through and dig out of and clean up from (I LOVE Harriet's post about this imagery). Well, yesterday I got out of the pile and shoved ALL THAT SHIT right back on him. It is his mess to deal with, he has to deal with it. I'm doing neither of us any favors by trying to take some of his crap on myself and get buried by it. It just seemed like I was finally getting out of the way of the principle of reaping what you sow. It felt good.
The other miracle? When I got out of the way and put all that crap back on him it freed me from the chains of despair, bitterness, blame, anger, confusion, and frustration that were tying me down with much more force than I realized. (*mote and beam people*) I was so consumed I couldn't see which way was up and I didn't even know it. I was finally able to see B, and know that I had just piled a bunch of crap on him, and love him and want him to find his way out, but NOT want to rescue him from it. I was able to love him more fully and clearly because I wasn't trying to sort through stuff that wasn't mine. My negative feelings toward him dissipated completely because I finally had done what I had been directed to do for myself by the Savior and was filled with His peace and love.
I'm not saying I'm perfect and I know I won't be able to stay here forever, but I just wanted to write about it. In this moment I an content. My marriage is on the brink of disaster, my husband is in full fledged addict mode and I'm not sure if he can dig himself out any time soon, I still have that daggum rash, but I have peace. I have the companionship of the spirit of the Lord and it is sweet, and kind, and I am not alone.
Thursday, January 29, 2015
I Want To Feel Safe
About a week ago I discovered another lie of deliberate omission by my husband. It was the most recent in a round of one ever few weeks since maybe mid-November. I've lost count I just know that for a few months now, for the first time in our marriage, I've actually caught lies. For a while I was okay getting over them in a decent amount of time. Then I started questioning why I'm finding so many. I still believe maybe the Lord saw fit that it was time I knew a little more of the truth.
For the last week I've been trying the "fake it til you make it" route on trusting B. I thought that if I could just move on and act like I trust him and force myself to believe him then I would and I'd be able to skip on the trauma mode portion of the cycle. I've not done a good job. I have asked EVERY SINGLE day if he's looked at anything, which is WAY out of my norm. I usually don't ask, I expect him to tell me. And the asking isn't helping because when he says "No" I immediately think, "Yeah, right, you're lying, asshole."
Turns out you can't force trust. Turns out this lie might have been the straw that broke the camel's back as far as some serious boundary considering. I'm considering having him move out of the bedroom. I've implemented a couple nights apart plenty of times for acting out and lying. I've never actually made it a quasi-permanent situation. I'm not sure if I want to. It is the boundary I first thought of when this happened a week ago but I have been going back and forth because I don't know if it is because that would make me feel more safe or I want to punish him.
I want to feel safe. I also want to punish him. In the moment I want him to hurt like I do. I want him to FEEL. I want to break him like has broken me. I want him to see all my worth and know that he's nearly lost me. I want him to actually CARE about something more than pornography. I want him to actually get his work done and help support us financially in the way he is supposed to be doing. I want him to ask me on a damn date. I want him to fall over himself making it up to me. I want him to go to meetings, and read books, and do the steps. And therein lies my problem. Aside from the first one, all these things are for HIM to do and I can't force HIM to do anything.
So, back to the first one. I want to feel safe. How do I feel safe if I can't trust my spouse to simply tell the truth. There have been so many times he assured me I know everything. The lies that I've uncovered so far haven't been things worse in nature than what I already knew. In fact they are all a little less bad in nature but they are still acting in his addiction and they were all kept from me because "they aren't all the way acting out." So the women weren't FULLY nude. Or it was just "dancing." Or, it is "reference" for his art. Or I wasn't told because it is "better" that he didn't hurt me so much by telling me.
I need to take control of my life back from this stupid addiction. I want to feel safe. But how?
For the last week I've been trying the "fake it til you make it" route on trusting B. I thought that if I could just move on and act like I trust him and force myself to believe him then I would and I'd be able to skip on the trauma mode portion of the cycle. I've not done a good job. I have asked EVERY SINGLE day if he's looked at anything, which is WAY out of my norm. I usually don't ask, I expect him to tell me. And the asking isn't helping because when he says "No" I immediately think, "Yeah, right, you're lying, asshole."
Turns out you can't force trust. Turns out this lie might have been the straw that broke the camel's back as far as some serious boundary considering. I'm considering having him move out of the bedroom. I've implemented a couple nights apart plenty of times for acting out and lying. I've never actually made it a quasi-permanent situation. I'm not sure if I want to. It is the boundary I first thought of when this happened a week ago but I have been going back and forth because I don't know if it is because that would make me feel more safe or I want to punish him.
I want to feel safe. I also want to punish him. In the moment I want him to hurt like I do. I want him to FEEL. I want to break him like has broken me. I want him to see all my worth and know that he's nearly lost me. I want him to actually CARE about something more than pornography. I want him to actually get his work done and help support us financially in the way he is supposed to be doing. I want him to ask me on a damn date. I want him to fall over himself making it up to me. I want him to go to meetings, and read books, and do the steps. And therein lies my problem. Aside from the first one, all these things are for HIM to do and I can't force HIM to do anything.
So, back to the first one. I want to feel safe. How do I feel safe if I can't trust my spouse to simply tell the truth. There have been so many times he assured me I know everything. The lies that I've uncovered so far haven't been things worse in nature than what I already knew. In fact they are all a little less bad in nature but they are still acting in his addiction and they were all kept from me because "they aren't all the way acting out." So the women weren't FULLY nude. Or it was just "dancing." Or, it is "reference" for his art. Or I wasn't told because it is "better" that he didn't hurt me so much by telling me.
I need to take control of my life back from this stupid addiction. I want to feel safe. But how?
Saturday, January 17, 2015
A reminder of why I have boundaries
A couple days ago I was having the kind of day that would really have been made better by a supportive help-meet. Instead I got a disclosure. I felt very let down. It seems that when I most need or want B's support he is unavailable to me due to being in addict mode. We slept apart per my boundary. The next day was tough but I was still needing some support of my own for unrelated things. I decided to go out on a limb and give B the opportunity to be a help-meet. I got burned. In retrospect I turned toward him too quickly after a disclosure.
We went on a planned date and it wasn't lovey-dovey but it was nice. I decided that this time one night apart was enough (the boundary I've been using is at least one night, maybe more, which has usually ended up being 2 or 3). I decided I would open myself up to being vulnerable because I just really really wanted to have a good hug and get the support I needed this week and I had hope that he could do that. I still thought he might be able to be the husband I wanted so desperately to help me get through the week. I told him he could sleep in the bed and before I could get my next sentence out he told me he didn't think he should. BURN. When I closed the door to my room I kind of fell to the floor with the ugly cry, and it caused a nose-bleed. That is what I get for thinking Mr. Addict could pull through for me. After another conversation today he is not feeling very much love toward me right now. This is common right before or after acting out. He gets hung up on maybe there is something better out there, or on the things I do that bug him, or on my weight. So, he slept apart because he didn't like me enough to sleep next to me. It is a blow to my ego but honestly I brought this upon myself.
I have boundaries for a reason, sleeping apart was to save me from Mr. Addict for a couple nights of peace and self-care. I turned toward him too soon and didn't find B there to support me I found Mr. Addict there to judge me, and shun me, and think only of himself. One of the things I hate most about this addiction is it robs me of the support I thought I was getting when I got married. Mr. Addict always seems to visit when I REALLY would like my husband around. Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, a death in the family, illness, deteriorating friendships, stressful weeks at work or school have all happened with Mr. Addict living with me.
Today I'm pretty deflated. It kind of sucks when your spouse tells you they do love you like they are trying to convince themselves and follows it with saying not right now (in so many words). I wrote a while back about a wrecking ball that knocks down the relationship we're trying to build and I keep trying to help build the wall that is our relationship when I know a wrecking ball is coming and it will continue to knock me down. Isn't that the definition of crazy? Last week's disclosure I was not in the way of the wrecking ball and felt very well and whole. This one got me, I've been knocked flat of my ass. Even though I can't rely on B right now for even non-addiction related support I know I can always rely on my Savior to help pick me back up.
Slated for the rest of the weekend: self-care, scriptures, prayer, more self-care, sleeping apart, letting the atonement of the Savior work on my heart to heal and fill with hope and love again.
We went on a planned date and it wasn't lovey-dovey but it was nice. I decided that this time one night apart was enough (the boundary I've been using is at least one night, maybe more, which has usually ended up being 2 or 3). I decided I would open myself up to being vulnerable because I just really really wanted to have a good hug and get the support I needed this week and I had hope that he could do that. I still thought he might be able to be the husband I wanted so desperately to help me get through the week. I told him he could sleep in the bed and before I could get my next sentence out he told me he didn't think he should. BURN. When I closed the door to my room I kind of fell to the floor with the ugly cry, and it caused a nose-bleed. That is what I get for thinking Mr. Addict could pull through for me. After another conversation today he is not feeling very much love toward me right now. This is common right before or after acting out. He gets hung up on maybe there is something better out there, or on the things I do that bug him, or on my weight. So, he slept apart because he didn't like me enough to sleep next to me. It is a blow to my ego but honestly I brought this upon myself.
I have boundaries for a reason, sleeping apart was to save me from Mr. Addict for a couple nights of peace and self-care. I turned toward him too soon and didn't find B there to support me I found Mr. Addict there to judge me, and shun me, and think only of himself. One of the things I hate most about this addiction is it robs me of the support I thought I was getting when I got married. Mr. Addict always seems to visit when I REALLY would like my husband around. Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, a death in the family, illness, deteriorating friendships, stressful weeks at work or school have all happened with Mr. Addict living with me.
Today I'm pretty deflated. It kind of sucks when your spouse tells you they do love you like they are trying to convince themselves and follows it with saying not right now (in so many words). I wrote a while back about a wrecking ball that knocks down the relationship we're trying to build and I keep trying to help build the wall that is our relationship when I know a wrecking ball is coming and it will continue to knock me down. Isn't that the definition of crazy? Last week's disclosure I was not in the way of the wrecking ball and felt very well and whole. This one got me, I've been knocked flat of my ass. Even though I can't rely on B right now for even non-addiction related support I know I can always rely on my Savior to help pick me back up.
Slated for the rest of the weekend: self-care, scriptures, prayer, more self-care, sleeping apart, letting the atonement of the Savior work on my heart to heal and fill with hope and love again.
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Processing Negative Emotions - Satan is tricky tricky
A few days ago I was at work, and I was being super productive. At some point during the day I knew, in my gut, that something was up. I went home after work and while I was preparing dinner I asked B about it. He told me he'd acted out that day. (One Point GUT) I numbed with busy for a few hours because I didn't want to feel the hurt, the crazy, the anger. Later B calmly remind me of our commitment to be kind and patient and can I just do that for him because it is so much harder for him to be happy and not feel judged and worthless if I am not being kind and patient.
Now, my definition of kind and patient in this scenario varies WIDELY from his. I believe he was referring to wanting me to be "normal" and while he would respect my boundary of sleeping apart for a while he wanted everything to proceed as normal, no emotional distance, or sadness, or visible signs of the negative emotions I would be experiencing. He didn't say these things but based on our history that is what I believe he meant. This threw me for a bit and when I brought the topic up the next day it did NOT go well.
There are some things this has helped me realize (again). When my husband checks out and my addict husband checks in all logic and truth goes out the window. It isn't done maliciously I believe, but he truly is in Satan's grasp and Satan is trying to keep him there and bring me down to join him. The co-dependency comes out (thus his needing ME to be a certain way in order to be happy), the blame comes out, the defiance comes out, and the irrational, false, logic is in full display. And Satan is smart. He knows that I would have no problem dismissing things like name calling and yelling as addict behavior and wrong. He knows that I no longer buy into the lie that I'm not good enough physically for my husband to be sober. He also knows that I am trying to walk the fine line of being true to myself, to the gospel, and be Christ-like and show compassion. And that line is pretty blurry for me sometimes. So in hind-sight it is no surprise that B tried to convince me that the Christ-like behaviors of kindness and patience looked differently that I thought and I needed to work on those. Sneaky sneaky Satan. I grappled with it for a couple days - What is kindness in this case? What constitutes patience? (Still a little blurry, but not as blurry as two days ago)
Now, Satan's attack wasn't just one punch, he had a left-right hook going on because the thing that triggers fear in me more than anything else is any mention of secret keeping. Nearly every time B discloses he talks about how telling me things just hurts me so he really is thinking he shouldn't tell me this or that or it is so unnecessary for me to ask. I'll insist on transparency and he suddenly goes from "rescuer" of my hurt feelings to "victim" of my demand (Hello drama triangle, my old companion). This time was no exception. That is when the numb stopped working, the tears got close to the surface and I felt myself shutting the conversation down because addict husband is not a safe person to be vulnerable with.
Then came the negative emotions. They stayed all of Tuesday. In fact Tuesday was pretty darn awful because I got some bad news about a loved one's health and I couldn't turn to B because of all the negative emotions. It brought me back to my worst, most traumatic D-day where I was really really needing B and just got home and called him for support I opened our laptop and saw dozens of windows of pornography open. He had betrayed me when I needed him most. And Tuesday felt much the same. I knew from my step-work and experience that I was experiencing negative emotions and that there was a way for me to feel whole and happy again. I knew it would pass, but it just hurt so bad. I processed. I called a friend and let her in on the very surface of my feelings. I texted another friend and just expressed my loneliness. I read my scriptures. I posted a question on a forum I participate in. By Wednesday morning I was ready to open up to B and show him my hurt so I could begin to be vulnerable with him again. It was hard, and ugly, and lots of tears.
I'm still not back to normal. I have the emotional hang-over that typically follows trying to process so much negative emotion at once. The would is gaping open but I've cleaned out the gunk of negative emotion and will now work on bandaging with healthy thoughts, gospel truths, addiction and betrayal trauma knowledge, and most importantly the atonement. Satan got to me for a couple days but he couldn't hold me. I never want to let him hold me for long. Our Savior's embrace is a much better place to be. (The song below is titled "In His Embrace" from EFY and it seems appropriate)
Now, my definition of kind and patient in this scenario varies WIDELY from his. I believe he was referring to wanting me to be "normal" and while he would respect my boundary of sleeping apart for a while he wanted everything to proceed as normal, no emotional distance, or sadness, or visible signs of the negative emotions I would be experiencing. He didn't say these things but based on our history that is what I believe he meant. This threw me for a bit and when I brought the topic up the next day it did NOT go well.
There are some things this has helped me realize (again). When my husband checks out and my addict husband checks in all logic and truth goes out the window. It isn't done maliciously I believe, but he truly is in Satan's grasp and Satan is trying to keep him there and bring me down to join him. The co-dependency comes out (thus his needing ME to be a certain way in order to be happy), the blame comes out, the defiance comes out, and the irrational, false, logic is in full display. And Satan is smart. He knows that I would have no problem dismissing things like name calling and yelling as addict behavior and wrong. He knows that I no longer buy into the lie that I'm not good enough physically for my husband to be sober. He also knows that I am trying to walk the fine line of being true to myself, to the gospel, and be Christ-like and show compassion. And that line is pretty blurry for me sometimes. So in hind-sight it is no surprise that B tried to convince me that the Christ-like behaviors of kindness and patience looked differently that I thought and I needed to work on those. Sneaky sneaky Satan. I grappled with it for a couple days - What is kindness in this case? What constitutes patience? (Still a little blurry, but not as blurry as two days ago)
Now, Satan's attack wasn't just one punch, he had a left-right hook going on because the thing that triggers fear in me more than anything else is any mention of secret keeping. Nearly every time B discloses he talks about how telling me things just hurts me so he really is thinking he shouldn't tell me this or that or it is so unnecessary for me to ask. I'll insist on transparency and he suddenly goes from "rescuer" of my hurt feelings to "victim" of my demand (Hello drama triangle, my old companion). This time was no exception. That is when the numb stopped working, the tears got close to the surface and I felt myself shutting the conversation down because addict husband is not a safe person to be vulnerable with.
Then came the negative emotions. They stayed all of Tuesday. In fact Tuesday was pretty darn awful because I got some bad news about a loved one's health and I couldn't turn to B because of all the negative emotions. It brought me back to my worst, most traumatic D-day where I was really really needing B and just got home and called him for support I opened our laptop and saw dozens of windows of pornography open. He had betrayed me when I needed him most. And Tuesday felt much the same. I knew from my step-work and experience that I was experiencing negative emotions and that there was a way for me to feel whole and happy again. I knew it would pass, but it just hurt so bad. I processed. I called a friend and let her in on the very surface of my feelings. I texted another friend and just expressed my loneliness. I read my scriptures. I posted a question on a forum I participate in. By Wednesday morning I was ready to open up to B and show him my hurt so I could begin to be vulnerable with him again. It was hard, and ugly, and lots of tears.
I'm still not back to normal. I have the emotional hang-over that typically follows trying to process so much negative emotion at once. The would is gaping open but I've cleaned out the gunk of negative emotion and will now work on bandaging with healthy thoughts, gospel truths, addiction and betrayal trauma knowledge, and most importantly the atonement. Satan got to me for a couple days but he couldn't hold me. I never want to let him hold me for long. Our Savior's embrace is a much better place to be. (The song below is titled "In His Embrace" from EFY and it seems appropriate)
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Sleeping on the Diagonal
I have a boundary - I can't remember if I've talked about it on here before. It isn't listed on my boundaries page because it is pretty fluid. I have some give depending on my level of safety. It is that if B does not come to bed within 30 minutes of me then I will sleep apart from him. Typically this means he has slept on the couch if he doesn't come to bed on time. I don't go to bed early and if I do then I extend the time-frame for that evening. It all started when I couldn't sleep because the anxiety of "what is he doing?" "when is he coming to bed?" "Should I check on him?" "What if he comes and wants to have sex?" "What if he..." and so on. See me and sleep have had a generally wonderful relationship most of my life. I value sleep. When I get in bed I say, out loud, "I LOVE BED!" about 90% of the time. So after a week of not being able to greet my old friend sleep like usual I knew I needed a change. A wonderful sister from a forum I participate in suggested a boundary like the one I ended up creating. B didn't argue too much and it has helped immensely. It affords me much peace of mind that I didn't have before.
I still go to bed before B most of the time. Most of the time he comes to bed within the given time-frame but not always. A few times he has come to bed just outside of the time frame and it started to make me nervous so I semi-consciously came up with a solution to ease my fears. I sleep on the diagonal until he comes to bed. So strange and it seems so crazy when I type it out. But when I crawl into bed without him I sleep either dead center or swing my legs across his side to fall asleep. This way I KNOW when he comes to bed because I have to physically move. What I don't want is to sleep and then wake up in the morning with him next to me and not know when he came to bed, if he came to bed on time, if he'll be honest about it. A few weeks ago he lied about why he was up so late and that is when the diagonal sleeping really kicked into high gear.
It is my little way of ensuring my boundary is kept without relying on his honesty. Last night I fell asleep on MY SIDE and sure enough woke up this morning to B beside me with no idea when he had gotten there and the fear crept in and the "scenarios" started to sneak up on me. Thankfully I was able to push them aside quickly, but it reminded me exactly why I sleep on the diagonal and that it is really a good solution to keep me feeling safe and secure and in control of my fears.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Boundaries are Working
For the longest time I held off on boundaries. I couldn't figure them out and I didn't like the idea of physical space as a consequence because I was afraid. Isn't that such a common emotion for WoPAs? I was afraid of pushing him away, of pushing him to pornography, of making him angry, of physical space not helping, of feeling and being alone. I was so afraid. Over time I finally realized what I was doing wasn't working so I might as well try something new. I set up my boundaries. The consequence of many of them is us sleeping apart for a time so I can get my space, focus on my healing, focus on myself, and so I don't have to sleep as close the edge as physically possible as I try desperately to not bump into my husband as he sleeps next to me and I am so upset with him.
The first sleep apart boundary I set was because all of the sudden I couldn't sleep. I was used to B staying up later than me but all of the sudden it was making it impossible for me to sleep. So, I decided if he wasn't in bed within 30 minutes after I was in bed then I didn't want to sleep in the same bed. That first night I slept SO WELL knowing that he wouldn't be coming to bed at 2am possibly having acted out for me to find out the next day. It has really helped my sleeping since as well. This experience gave me the courage to set other boundaries. B and I have only slept in the same bed twice in nearly two weeks but I am feeling pretty darn good. I'm feeling peace (mostly). I feel safe and like I have a way to protect myself and allow myself the time I need to heal.
When I set my first two boundaries (before the bed time one) I called a friend and sobbed uncontrollably because this is what my life had come to and it was another realization of what I've lost, or what I never had to begin with. My friend told me that I would know if my boundaries were working by how I felt, if they gave me more peace, and if I felt more safe.
My boundaries are working right now! It makes me so happy to know that I can do something to help me feel safe while being married to man stuck in his addiction. It makes me feel like I don't have to be a victim, I don't have to let this thing destroy me, and I can be happy no matter what circumstances surround me. I love my boundaries because of how much they help protect me. I hated that I had to make boundaries to feel safe but situations are what they are and I have to live with them and this is the way for me to do that successfully so I will.
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Forming My Boundaries
Boundaries have been floating around in my head a lot lately. The first time I set boundaries there were two and it was HARD. I had reached such a low point, so weak and broken and I knew I had to do something to regain my sense of safety. I had of course heard of boundaries and read about them so while I was at work one day I pretty much spent the entire day coming up with my first two boundaries. The first wasn't really a boundary, just a statement that I needed to take sex off the table for a while so I could ponder within myself why I desire sex and make sure my motivations were pure and connection-driven. So the boundary was just for me. The second boundary was that If I feel the need to get help and talk to someone, I will. This was the one that caused the problem. His sense of privacy was challenged, his sense of control over who knows was blown out of the water. On top of that this was about 3 weeks before we moved to where my father would be our ecclesiastical leader. So, if I felt I needed to talk to my ecclesiastical leader I would also be talking to my father - his father-in-law. Yikes! I understand why that was scary for him to hear.
Anyway, I tearfully, and shakily stated my boundaries. He yelled some and argued. I held my ground and then went and called my one friend that knows of my situation and just sobbed huge, loud, uncontrollable sobs for about 20 minutes. She patiently listened and waited for me to talk. Bless this woman, she is so smart and she is quite logical and to the point which is one of the things I love most about her. She told me that it is okay to change my mind if the boundaries don't make me feel safe and that I would know if they are right by whether or not they help me feel safe and grounded. Sure enough, the next day I felt a million times better. And a small piece of confidence was instilled in my heart that I didn't have before.
That was nearly 3 months ago. In the past week I have been all over the board emotionally. I have been filled with debilitating fear of a relapse coming. I have been hurt when it did come. I have been angry, sad, frustrated, lonely, filled with despair, sure I was going to kick him out, and sure I was going to stay. Crazy train was going full-steam ahead. So I thought more about boundaries and detaching. I read more about them. One thing I read somewhere (I can't remember where) said that the spouse's boundaries will depend somewhat of their self-esteem and self-worth. That really struck me. It sunk into my heart. We're taught that we have to teach people how to treat us. Well, as far as I could tell I'd taught B how to treat me - and it wasn't something I was very proud of. There is room for growth and love and acceptance but I had been an enabler by taking all the hurt in and letting it destroy my heart and self-esteem without setting up boundaries to protect myself. Boundaries are there to protect myself and in a way to protect him from himself. When he is in addict mode it is NOT fun and he says and does hurtful things. If I take care of myself and set up boundaries I am taking responsibility for my actions and my response to his actions. It doesn't excuse his behavior but boundaries help me behave better, take charge of myself and my stability, and my happiness. I realized I'm worth it. I'm worth fighting for. I'm worth standing up for. I'm worth setting boundaries for, to protect myself, and my son (because a crazy mom does NO good for a baby).
So I did it! I typed up my rights and the associated boundaries. I then wrote them down because the printer wasn't working. I read them to B and I stuck to them and didn't go into co-dependent back-track mode. I didn't get pulled into the drama triangle when he started disagreeing, blaming, and hurting. When he played the victim I didn't try and rescue him. When he played the persecutor I didn't act the victim.
It was a rough night but I felt free. I felt happy. I felt at peace. All of that helps me to know I did the right thing. The boundaries may change in the future as my needs change and our marriage changes but for now they are good and helpful and solid and I'm so happy I did it.
Anyway, I tearfully, and shakily stated my boundaries. He yelled some and argued. I held my ground and then went and called my one friend that knows of my situation and just sobbed huge, loud, uncontrollable sobs for about 20 minutes. She patiently listened and waited for me to talk. Bless this woman, she is so smart and she is quite logical and to the point which is one of the things I love most about her. She told me that it is okay to change my mind if the boundaries don't make me feel safe and that I would know if they are right by whether or not they help me feel safe and grounded. Sure enough, the next day I felt a million times better. And a small piece of confidence was instilled in my heart that I didn't have before.
That was nearly 3 months ago. In the past week I have been all over the board emotionally. I have been filled with debilitating fear of a relapse coming. I have been hurt when it did come. I have been angry, sad, frustrated, lonely, filled with despair, sure I was going to kick him out, and sure I was going to stay. Crazy train was going full-steam ahead. So I thought more about boundaries and detaching. I read more about them. One thing I read somewhere (I can't remember where) said that the spouse's boundaries will depend somewhat of their self-esteem and self-worth. That really struck me. It sunk into my heart. We're taught that we have to teach people how to treat us. Well, as far as I could tell I'd taught B how to treat me - and it wasn't something I was very proud of. There is room for growth and love and acceptance but I had been an enabler by taking all the hurt in and letting it destroy my heart and self-esteem without setting up boundaries to protect myself. Boundaries are there to protect myself and in a way to protect him from himself. When he is in addict mode it is NOT fun and he says and does hurtful things. If I take care of myself and set up boundaries I am taking responsibility for my actions and my response to his actions. It doesn't excuse his behavior but boundaries help me behave better, take charge of myself and my stability, and my happiness. I realized I'm worth it. I'm worth fighting for. I'm worth standing up for. I'm worth setting boundaries for, to protect myself, and my son (because a crazy mom does NO good for a baby).
So I did it! I typed up my rights and the associated boundaries. I then wrote them down because the printer wasn't working. I read them to B and I stuck to them and didn't go into co-dependent back-track mode. I didn't get pulled into the drama triangle when he started disagreeing, blaming, and hurting. When he played the victim I didn't try and rescue him. When he played the persecutor I didn't act the victim.
It was a rough night but I felt free. I felt happy. I felt at peace. All of that helps me to know I did the right thing. The boundaries may change in the future as my needs change and our marriage changes but for now they are good and helpful and solid and I'm so happy I did it.
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