Triggered by seeing what he was triggered by - and then letting go and letting God

Yesterday I was at an event, sans B, where there are LOTS of people and LOTS of young, pretty, not-so-modest women. A few weeks ago B was at a similar event (okay, it's a sporting event). So, B was at a game sans me and came home and we had a good evening. Then the next day things got weird and bad and the next day he acted out and was in FULL ADDICT mode people. Like, full on. No bueno. Upon reflection he said the triggering had started at the game with all these beautiful daughters of God who have simply not been raised to understand the same way I do about modesty.

Fast forward to yesterday, I was at a game sans B (not because of bad blood, just the way our schedules worked out). About half way through my time there I all of the sudden felt the triggery feeling coming, the trauma mode, the confusion/distraction/can't think/can't look at anyone/want to curl of and cry feeling. I was looking at all this SKIN and it was perfect, and it was on thin bodies, and smooth, and tan, and nary a stretch-mark in sight. I'm go grateful I've been working hard to keep the spirit with me and work on some step-work because it only took a few minutes for me to have the following inner-dialogue:

Me: So this is what B was looking at that he liked so much that he couldn't resist looking at some porn just a day later to keep the feeling going?

Me: Well, I guess I can understand how disappointed he was to come home and find ME as his wife (insert self-deprecating critiques that I don't want to repeat)

Me: Wait, okay, wait. These girls have done nothing wrong. It isn't their fault. B is responsible for his own actions. Crap, I'm triggered.

Me: Okay, they are daughters of God, this isn't about them it is about me. It is a lie that I am less than them because I look differently. But I'm feeling like it isn't.

Me: Remembering Step 1 *I am feeling like my emotions are unmanageable* *Let go and Let God*

Me: Heavenly Father, I need you to take this one. I can't deal with these emotions. I can't leave so I'm still going to be surrounded by this but I don't want to feel this way. I'm handing it off to you.

Within 30 minutes the trauma-mode had disappeared and I was back to normal.

It is amazing how simple principles can work wonders in practice. The recovery process isn't about not feeling hard feelings, it is about giving us tools to recognize the good, the bad, and the ugly for what it is and deal appropriately.

Step One - Part 2

This post is part of my step work through the "Healing Through Christ Manual" in which I answer the questions presented at the end of each step to work my way through what was taught. The "Healing Through Christ" manual can be downloaded for free at healingthroughchrist.org.

Choosing to Take Care of Ourselves

1. As a result of the emotional distress of facing the addiction of a loved one, how have I ignored my own needs and neglected to take care of myself?

Physically I ignored my own need for sleep at one point. I tried to stay up, because if I was up then he wouldn't look and pornography and viola the addiction would be gone. HA. I didn't know enough at that point. When I have struggled emotionally with this I have spent days without showering just in pain, doing nothing, not being productive, not getting out, not taking care of myself at all. At times I've eaten my emotions, which is unhealthy. I've called out of work because of the distress of facing the addiction of my loved one. I've gone to work and performed poorly because of the distress of facing the addiction of my loved one. All unhealthy behaviors.

2. How am I taking care of myself mentally?

Right now I am going to school and focusing on that. It is challenging and invigorating and something that has nothing to do with this addiction. It is wonderful to have my mind active and expanding with something other than knowledge about addiction.

3. How am I taking care of my emotional needs?

This one is going pretty well. I've always been able to identify my emotions and what I am really feeling (1 point parents!). Dealing with them has been a journey but currently I am blogging, journaling, participating in a forum filled with compassionate women who are going through the same thing, I'm actively opening up to my husband when I feel it is safe, and just two days ago I confided in a friend for the FIRST TIME about what I am going through. 

4. How am I taking care of myself phsically?

This one could definitely use some improvement. I do get the rest I need. I'm very selfish with my sleep time because I know that I quickly deteriorate without. I drink lots of water. And sometimes I eat healthy. Clearly exercise needs to become more routine.

5. How am I taking care of myself spiritually?

I pray, I study my scriptures, I write about and talk about what I learn. I am actively trying to magnify my calling. I read or listen to devotionals, general conference talks, and other resources on lds.org. I am seeking out ways to strengthen my relationship with my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost and it is blessing my life immensely. 

6. How have I neglected loving interactions with my family or been unaware of their physical and emotional needs?

Just last week I was super impatient with my 1 year old all day because of the distress I was feeling about the effects of this addiction. I was also in a grumpy mood around my parents and brother and was more rude and short-tempered than I usually would have been. I completely forgot to get together with my best friend TWICE in one week because I was distracted by my emotional turmoil. TWICE I totally stood her up. Thank goodness she is forgiving. 

Step One - Part 1

I started learning about steps and recovery and addiction many years ago. I didn't get my own Healing Through Christ manual until about 6 months ago. I've read it here and there and worked my own recovery through  many other methods but I haven't taken the time to read and implement the 12 steps in order, thoroughly. I decided to keep working on that because I believe only good things can happen from the principles in these steps! I'm working the steps in the Healing Through Christ manual, which is a 12 step adaptation for loved ones of addicts focused on Christ and His teachings.

Step 1 - Come to understand and accept that we are powerless over the addiction of a loved one and recognize that our lives have become unmanageable.

ADMITTING THAT I AM POWERLESS

1) How does an understanding of the powerful disease of addiction help me recognize that I am powerless to control my loved one's addictive behaviors and choices?

In the first year of marriage I didn't understand this well at all. I just couldn't wrap my head around why he kept choosing to look at pornography and masturbate when he said he loved me! As I learned more about addiction and learned just how much this behavior has become ingrained in the life of an addict, and how there are things deeper and more hidden contributing to his impulses I saw how I was powerless. I was able to stop trying to stay up all night so he wouldn't act out, or throw resources in his face to make him see how much he hurts me and should therefore stop, or any of the other countless methods I tried to control him and his addiction.

His brain is literally broken. Learning about the science behind what pornography does to the brain, re-wiring and diminishing impulse control, and so on, helped me see how powerless I am over his addiciton.

If I am powerless over the addiction, then I am powerless to stop it, or keep it going, and affect it in any way. Therefore: losing weight, more sex, less sex, make-up, shaved legs, compassion, affection, anger, hurt, selflessness, selfishness, leaving, staying, watching, staying up at night, yelling, being a doormat, and all the other things won't change the fact that my husband is an addict. How freeing. This means we can stop beating our head against a wall because we are only damaging ourselves and the wall will not come down from these efforts. The addiction is  more than curiosity, a bad habit, or looking elsewhere because I'm not _____ enough.

An understanding of addiction helps begin the process of healing for me by freeing me from continuing down roads that are futile.

There is always an up after a down

Image from "weweremadetoworship.com/something-to-remember-when-you-have-a-horrible-day/"

Yet again, I've made it through the anger and hurt and rough day that I wrote about two days ago. I feel that the ability of the heart to heal, to feel whole after feeling empty, to feel love after so much anger, to be filled with pace after despair is one of the greatest mysteries of God. Through His plan, Jesus atoned for us, and somehow that allows this miracle to take place. I know it happens, I know it is real, I trust it. I trust God. I might not ever get how it can happen, but it can. My heart is full of love again. And more importantly my heart is full of hope again. B's heart is turned toward me again too. There is a chance for us, I really believe there is. 

Also, I realized that a couple weeks ago I asked the Lord to bless with with the challenges necessary to help me down the path he would have me follow and teach me the things I needed to learn. Ouch. He delivered. I've only prayed this prayer a few times in my life and He always answers IMMEDIATELY. So, I'm grateful for answered prayers and I am SO grateful I'm on the other end of the past two weeks. They were kind of hell.

Angry All Day

I hate today. I have not been this angry in a while. I have not cried this much in a while. I feel like we've taken a huge step backwards. I feel like he is in addict mode but feigning calmness and he keeps quoting prophets and scriptures at me to back up his claims. It doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel okay. It doesn't feel right. Am I just crazy? Am I the one under Satan's grasp today? Full of anger, hatred, and disgust? Or is this my gut telling me "perk up - he is in addict mode - detach - protect yourself!" I have no idea. It is too much to write out now. I just don't have anyone to turn to and I'm supposed to just act like it is all okay, life is normal. Fake it till you make it. I feel another round of tears coming on - I better sign off.

Lessons while Weeding - Rooting out Satan's Lies

I live in the country. Weeds abound on our property. With summer drawing to a close it was time to empty out the overgrown garden plots (we have several raised garden boxes). I decided to work on one that we hadn't planted this year so all summer the weeds had flourished unhindered. They were deep, and it was a kind of grass weed where the roots are all deep and intertwined with each other. It was tough work using a pitchfork to get underneath and loosen things up and then pull and tug and tear and dig to get the roots out so it can be put to bed for the winter. I was covered in dirt and sweat. 

As I worked to uproot these noxious weeds a thought came to be about how Satan's lies are rooted in all of us. Some more than others. I thought about the lies that B's addiction to pornography has allowed to take root in him, some of which he has even tried to convince me of in the past. Some of which I believed. There are other lies that Satan has weaved carefully into our society that I have believed and some I'm sure I still do believe. 

It is hard work to uproot the lies that are planted in our hearts and our minds as truth. It took many years for me to really believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I am beautiful. I am beautiful because I can see myself as a daughter of God worthy of His love. I am beautiful because the Savior of the world sees me as beautiful. Satan is in a great battle for the hearts of the children of God. He is a liar. He is the father of all lies. I hate lies. I know that I don't want to let Satan enslave my heart with lies. I want to finish this life on the Lord's side, and be exalted on high and live with my God and my family forever. I know that the adversary is working hard for my heart and will continue to do so. However I won't let him have it. I might not be wise enough, strong enough, resilient enough to beat him on my own but the Savior is and He promised me help if I just humble myself. So, I will always strive to be humble enough. He can help me root out the lies, to identify them for what they are, and to seek truth and rely on truth and wisdom. It is hard work, just like pulling up those weeds. And just like weeding, the longer the lie stays in our hearts and minds the stronger the roots become and the harder it is to remove. But it is possible - we might have to have a some heavy duty tools to get the weeds out but Heavenly Father sent His Son to help us with just that. 

The last few years I have had some heavy duty tools working on my heart and mind to uproot some lies. It is painful and has been painful. There is more pain to come because I am imperfect. However, I choose the Lord. I choose humility. I choose to be seek after good things and truth. I choose to pull those weeds until they all come out and my garden is clean and the good seeds have not only taken root but have flourished.

A Triggery Evening - The Internet has so much SMUT

Last night before I went to bed I was online wasting time on pinterest and facebook. Generally these sites are safe for me as I don't have scandalous friends and I unfollow any boards that contain salacious material (NOT a fan of the "boudior" boards that several of my friends started - can we say soft-core porn and just call it what it is?) Anyway, for some reason there were asses everywhere last night. *This is especially triggering for me because of B's preferences for large derrieres and some of my worse D-Day finds* There were adds, little thumbnails for articles, pins, everywhere. I'm so confused as to how I can be reading a feel-good look-how-cute-this-child-is article and the adds on the side are "Big butts have been in a long time" and "17 actresses went full frontal" with IMAGES that are AWFUL. So, after about 15 minutes of trying to navigate away from the smut I realized I was way triggered and even the normal exercise pins were causing me some panic so I closed down and walked away. Gah. I just want to find a cute craft or a new dessert recipe - do I really have to be subjected to this crap?

Fast forward to when B came to bed. I told him about it and I asked if he had looked at anything on my computer. He typically uses his computer - I thought because it reduces risk of being caught by me not being on that device and it is in a more hidden spot (mine is in a hallway). He said no, that he had deleted some trash that was on there, which I'm taking to mean there was porn stored on the computer and he made sure to delete it so I didn't find it. Then he said the kicker, he doesn't use my computer because the sound isn't that great. Well HELL. I didn't need THAT in my head. So, my computer isn't used because he can't hear the moans and groans as well? Yuck, double yuck. Seriously, still feeling squeamish just typing this.

So now I'm conflicted. I'm glad he was honest with me. I'm glad he is being open with me. I also don't like thinking of the things he hears while he watches. Having some flashbacks today. Trying to decide what to do about it. Detach? Talk? Call someone? Gah. Yuck. Double Yuck. The sound isn't as good! FACE-PALM

Forming My Boundaries

Boundaries have been floating around in my head a lot lately. The first time I set boundaries there were two and it was HARD. I had reached such a low point, so weak and broken and I knew I had to do something to regain my sense of safety. I had of course heard of boundaries and read about them so while I was at work one day I pretty much spent the entire day coming up with my first two boundaries. The first wasn't really a boundary, just a statement that I needed to take sex off the table for a while so I could ponder within myself why I desire sex and make sure my motivations were pure and connection-driven. So the boundary was just for me. The second boundary was that If I feel the need to get help and talk to someone, I will. This was the one that caused the problem. His sense of privacy was challenged, his sense of control over who knows was blown out of the water. On top of that this was about 3 weeks before we moved to where my father would be our ecclesiastical leader. So, if I felt I needed to talk to my ecclesiastical leader I would also be talking to my father - his father-in-law. Yikes! I understand why that was scary for him to hear.

Anyway, I tearfully, and shakily stated my boundaries. He yelled some and argued. I held my ground and then went and called my one friend that knows of my situation and just sobbed huge, loud, uncontrollable sobs for about 20 minutes. She patiently listened and waited for me to talk. Bless this woman, she is so smart and she is quite logical and to the point which is one of the things I love most about her. She told me that it is okay to change my mind if the boundaries don't make me feel safe and that I would know if they are right by whether or not they help me feel safe and grounded. Sure enough, the next day I felt a million times better. And a small piece of confidence was instilled in my heart that I didn't have before.

That was nearly 3 months ago. In the past week I have been all over the board emotionally. I have been filled with debilitating fear of a relapse coming. I have been hurt when it did come. I have been angry, sad, frustrated, lonely, filled with despair, sure I was going to kick him out, and sure I was going to stay. Crazy train was going full-steam ahead. So I thought more about boundaries and detaching. I read more about them. One thing I read somewhere (I can't remember where) said that the spouse's boundaries will depend somewhat of their self-esteem and self-worth. That really struck me. It sunk into my heart. We're taught that we have to teach people how to treat us. Well, as far as I could tell I'd taught B how to treat me - and it wasn't something I was very proud of. There is room for growth and love and acceptance but I had been an enabler by taking all the hurt in and letting it destroy my heart and self-esteem without setting up boundaries to protect myself. Boundaries are there to protect myself and in a way to protect him from himself. When he is in addict mode it is NOT fun and he says and does hurtful things. If I take care of myself and set up boundaries I am taking responsibility for my actions and my response to his actions. It doesn't excuse his behavior but boundaries help me behave better, take charge of myself and my stability, and my happiness. I realized I'm worth it. I'm worth fighting for. I'm worth standing up for. I'm worth setting boundaries for, to protect myself, and my son (because a crazy mom does NO good for a baby).

So I did it! I typed up my rights and the associated boundaries. I then wrote them down because the printer wasn't working. I read them to B and I stuck to them and didn't go into co-dependent back-track mode. I didn't get pulled into the drama triangle when he started disagreeing, blaming, and hurting. When he played the victim I didn't try and rescue him. When he played the persecutor I didn't act the victim.

It was a rough night but I felt free. I felt happy. I felt at peace. All of that helps me to know I did the right thing. The boundaries may change in the future as my needs change and our marriage changes but for now they are good and helpful and solid and I'm so happy I did it.

Ups and Downs

I've wanted to write another blog post several times since my last post. It has been a few weeks and I have been pretty up and down emotionally and spiritually. There are days where I think that for sure I will not make it through another year with this problem in our marriage and then there are days where I am confident we can make it to forever. Each time I am reminded and my testimony is strengthened of the healing power of the atonement.

I am amazed that I can be so full of anger, sadness, and loneliness one moment but I can reach out in that moment to my Savior I can be changed through His atonement. The causes of the anger, sadness, and loneliness remain but the Savior pushed the negative feelings out and filled me with peace and hope. After all man cannot serve two masters and negative emotions are from Satan, they are his way of stealing from us our happiness, our confidence, our hope, our eternal perspective, and over time our testimony.

The irony of this addiction is that as the addict opens up, makes him or herself vulnerable to their spouse, discloses their actions and thoughts, they are freed from the hold that keeping those secrets has on them. Their burden is slightly lifted. The addictions power is lessened and they often feel a greater sense of hope and peace. These very same actions often plunge the spouse into their darkness right as the addict is working on being lifted out of it. A wonderful mormon message talks a bit about this. Maybe that is why the marriage part takes so much work separate from the healing of addict and spouse. Because the addict and spouse have to work hard to be there for each other when there is hurt, anger, and sadness and because sometimes just as one is finding the seeds of hope the other is losing hope at an alarming rate.

I'm so grateful for the healing power of the Atonement and for the words of wise prophets and apostles in the scriptures and that are being spoken today that can bring me back into the fold of my Savior's arms as I choose Him, His gospel, His light, and His truth and nobody else's.