My husband told me last night he is back to one day sober. Per my boundary we sleep apart after he acts out. He told me he wanted to sleep in the bed. I slept on the couch, which felt like an added betrayal - First you are going to hurt me and then you are going to put your night's rest above mine... Thanks.
I'm grateful that he told me, and he told me sooner than at our agreed upon once a week check in.
I'm grateful to have somewhere to go today.
I'm grateful for other things to focus on (a sister's wedding, my graduate school research)
I'm grateful for scriptures - I am in 3 Nephi right now while I listen on my commute every day. I'm grateful that I am in the middle of Christ speaking.
I'm grateful for my sons.
I'm grateful that my husband was calm this morning.
I'm grateful for Dr. Pepper.
I'm grateful for dark chocolate.
I'm grateful that I have recently been upping my recovery work so I am a bit more prepared for this.
I am trying to focus on things I am grateful for so that these thoughts might drown out the anger and sorrow and emptiness and apathy and frustration and betrayal and keep me from going down the rabbit hole. My husband refuses to answer any questions about his behavior and will only say that he acted out. I have two questions I ask - where were you and where were the kids? He will not answer anything and told me so before I even had a chance to ask. He puts pennies in the trust jar by telling me, ahead of schedule even, and then dumps out a whole handful by following it up with "But no questions and I won't sleep on the couch"... So, I'm a bit confused.
I know I will be okay at some point. That point is not today. I will focus on gratitude and will work to let myself feel all of the emotions and lean into them so I can go through them.
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Friday, June 23, 2017
Friday, June 2, 2017
Therapy today did not go super well
This post will probably be some word vomit as I don't have a particular thought to share but lots of feelings.
Today was couples therapy. It was rough. I had put a pin in something until we could discuss it at therapy so we did today. It was about boundaries and safety and 90% of the time was my husband talking very passionately about how he doesn't need to tell me anything, I judge him, he doesn't trust me, he won't tell me things until I have earned his trust (by not being hurt by his disclosures), and I don't respect him, and much more. It is very very hard to not interrupt and prove him wrong on all of his exaggerated accusations but I believe the therapist knows that my husband is viewing it all through an addict lense and the lense of very very very low self-esteem and very high co-dependency so I mostly just let them talk.
Thankfully on the way home we were driving separately. As I drove I sobbed and I screamed at him. It is not my job to fix him, it is not my job to be his soft place to land when he betrays me - he has a sponsor and a wide net of SA friends for this very purpose. I get to have expectations, they are very low, but I still get to have them. I have a right to share my story when I deem fit. This has happened 4 times, total, ever, by me, and he resents every single one of them still apparently because it came up today. It is his story and I stole it, don'tcha know? It is not my job to shield him from the consequences of his actions. It IS my job to work on my own healing. It is my job to set healthy boundaries for myself to protect myself from the addict that he won't protect me from. It IS my job to take care of myself. It IS my job to seek forgiveness even if it doesn't come with trusting him and even if we don't stay together. Forgiveness is for me, not for him.
I find it so ironic, all the things he said about me, when I could give it back to him 100 fold. He referenced how sharing my story was showing a lack of respect for him but it certainly seems like verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and infidelity in the form of pornography are not showing much respect for me. He claimed I told the whole world, it was four people. In his eyes he is certainly the victim. Pretty sure I'm the one who has never sought out pornography. I'm the one who hasn't lied. I'm the one who hasn't used him as a sex toy.
Mostly I'm sad. He was doing really well for so long but he has, for a couple months, been pulling back and wanting to withhold more information and wanting me to "be over it" and "accept him". I'm just sad that I currently don't see a way out of the mess. So much trust has been broken. It really did damage when he told me that he has not been reporting on his seeking out of "soft core" videos and images - because I didn't need to know. We agreed over a year ago that he would disclose this information when I found a bunch a watched "dance" videos on his youtube account while he was purportedly sober. Apparently he changed his mind about what to disclose without telling me.
I am not interested in going backwards. I will not go back to a place of not knowing and ignoring and letting myself get trampled. I have no interest in a married without transparency.
In therapy the therapist asked if we could change the wording from "I expect transparency" to "We are working toward transparency" I said no. I expressed that "we are working toward" is too vague and he agreed that it gives room for justification and no accountability.
We are at an impasse where I don't trust him to tell me what I expect to be told in order to continue working on our marriage and he thinks that I am "stuck" and I need to change and he doesn't need to tell me, the work on our marriage is separate from his disclosures. Neither of us have budged in two months of this discussion.
Today was couples therapy. It was rough. I had put a pin in something until we could discuss it at therapy so we did today. It was about boundaries and safety and 90% of the time was my husband talking very passionately about how he doesn't need to tell me anything, I judge him, he doesn't trust me, he won't tell me things until I have earned his trust (by not being hurt by his disclosures), and I don't respect him, and much more. It is very very hard to not interrupt and prove him wrong on all of his exaggerated accusations but I believe the therapist knows that my husband is viewing it all through an addict lense and the lense of very very very low self-esteem and very high co-dependency so I mostly just let them talk.
Thankfully on the way home we were driving separately. As I drove I sobbed and I screamed at him. It is not my job to fix him, it is not my job to be his soft place to land when he betrays me - he has a sponsor and a wide net of SA friends for this very purpose. I get to have expectations, they are very low, but I still get to have them. I have a right to share my story when I deem fit. This has happened 4 times, total, ever, by me, and he resents every single one of them still apparently because it came up today. It is his story and I stole it, don'tcha know? It is not my job to shield him from the consequences of his actions. It IS my job to work on my own healing. It is my job to set healthy boundaries for myself to protect myself from the addict that he won't protect me from. It IS my job to take care of myself. It IS my job to seek forgiveness even if it doesn't come with trusting him and even if we don't stay together. Forgiveness is for me, not for him.
I find it so ironic, all the things he said about me, when I could give it back to him 100 fold. He referenced how sharing my story was showing a lack of respect for him but it certainly seems like verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and infidelity in the form of pornography are not showing much respect for me. He claimed I told the whole world, it was four people. In his eyes he is certainly the victim. Pretty sure I'm the one who has never sought out pornography. I'm the one who hasn't lied. I'm the one who hasn't used him as a sex toy.
Mostly I'm sad. He was doing really well for so long but he has, for a couple months, been pulling back and wanting to withhold more information and wanting me to "be over it" and "accept him". I'm just sad that I currently don't see a way out of the mess. So much trust has been broken. It really did damage when he told me that he has not been reporting on his seeking out of "soft core" videos and images - because I didn't need to know. We agreed over a year ago that he would disclose this information when I found a bunch a watched "dance" videos on his youtube account while he was purportedly sober. Apparently he changed his mind about what to disclose without telling me.
I am not interested in going backwards. I will not go back to a place of not knowing and ignoring and letting myself get trampled. I have no interest in a married without transparency.
In therapy the therapist asked if we could change the wording from "I expect transparency" to "We are working toward transparency" I said no. I expressed that "we are working toward" is too vague and he agreed that it gives room for justification and no accountability.
We are at an impasse where I don't trust him to tell me what I expect to be told in order to continue working on our marriage and he thinks that I am "stuck" and I need to change and he doesn't need to tell me, the work on our marriage is separate from his disclosures. Neither of us have budged in two months of this discussion.
Monday, May 16, 2016
Righteous Anger?
Yesterday a dinner guest asked an intriguing gospel question that he had been pondering - What is righteous anger - does it exist?
Our guest believed it could not exist because of God's love for all His children and the repeated imploring of our priesthood leaders to not get angry. Anger, after all, is a result of pride right? He proposed that God feels sorrow when His children misbehave but not anger.
I happen to know this man is a sex addict who is striving for recovery.
After about 10 minutes of engaging dialogue I had to excuse myself because I knew I would get triggered by an addict telling me that no matter how much a person hurts another person God doesn't get angry with them. The conversation went on for a long time with our guest, my dad, and my husband.
Later that night me and hubs discussed the topic again.
I believe we have evidence of righteous anger in the scriptures both the Bible, the Book of Mormon, and the Doctrine and Covenants. I believe it exists but it is not the kind of anger we feel because we are prideful and fallen and our anger stems, most of the time, from selfishness and our own hurt. But I can't imagine that God doesn't get angry (or frustrated, or whatever you'd like to call it) when He sees His children harmed by the willful misdeeds of other people who should know better. I know many times we are hurt by people who don't know better or don't have the tools to do better. However, sometimes I make mistakes when I KNOW BETTER. And I can imagine a form of frustrated disappointment that would be an emotion God experiences.
Anyway, I just wanted to share a bit because the idea of an addict telling me God is never angry when His children are hurt briefly made me want to pull my hair out. Thankfully my husband didn't agree with Him so the trigger didn't last long or devolve into anything else.
I kind of feel like saying "Trigger Managed" in a Harry Potter-esque "mischief managed" kind of way. New catch phrase? Maybe. :)
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
Today I'm Just Mad
Hubs is back to 1 day sober after 2 months, and 3 months before that. The last time he acted out (2 months ago) he was super on the ball about talking to his sponsor, SA contacts, going to/calling into group meetings, and helping me feel safe. This time he told me he'd acted out because he was bored. He said, "I'm sorry" and when I asked he'd told me he had not talked to his sponsor and since that time we've barely spoken in two days.
And I'm just mad. I spent the day at work busting my ass to get a Ph D so I can financially provide for our family since he isn't. I also spent my day thinking of fun date night ideas for us since we haven't been on a nice date in ages and he will be leaving town for Thanksgiving. I even arranged a babysitter and was collecting ideas of new fun things to do. While I was doing this he was watching other women have sex or dance, probably both or whatever he watched, and masturbating. I'm SO PISSED at the irony.
Last night he was talking to my father, the bishop, about a man in need in our ward. Hubs was VERY concerned that this man, who is practically a stranger, is having a hard time with the death of my grandfather, my father's father (who was also in our branch). Yet, my husband basically avoided me and any difficult things I might be feeling because it would be so much more difficult to face the hurt HE caused than it is to be worried over this other guy he barely knows. I'm SO PISSED at the irony.
He is having a hard time getting all his work in because he's taken on an extra freelance job. I'm still barely catching up from when he was out of town for a month. I have worked tons of extra hours in the last two weeks and mostly just crawl in to bed exhausted but he has time to stay up late playing video games and then complains that we don't have someone to watch our son on the days HE is supposed to be watching our son. But on the day that we did have someone watching our son he spent time meant for work on porn and masturbation. I'm SO PISSED at the irony.
In the past few weeks he's been mad at me for wanting to do FHE on Sundays instead of Mondays, and for letting our son watch a Disney cartoon on Sunday, and has given me about 3 lectures on "choosing" happiness. Yet, HE WATCHES PORN on Monday, he gets down enough to act out in his addiction. I'm sorry, by "choose" happiness did you really mean choose your horrible numbing mechanism called lust addiction? I'm confused? I'm SO PISSED at the irony.
On Sunday he talked to our bishop about having an interview tonight for renewing his temple recommend, so he can do temple work for his grandfather while in Utah for Thanksgiving. On Monday he acted out. I'm SO PISSED at the irony.
I did a good job staying numb all day yesterday and focusing on work, but now my shell is cracking when I really still need to be productive. I don't want to go home because I'll see him but I do because I want to see my son.
Stupid addiction.
And I'm just mad. I spent the day at work busting my ass to get a Ph D so I can financially provide for our family since he isn't. I also spent my day thinking of fun date night ideas for us since we haven't been on a nice date in ages and he will be leaving town for Thanksgiving. I even arranged a babysitter and was collecting ideas of new fun things to do. While I was doing this he was watching other women have sex or dance, probably both or whatever he watched, and masturbating. I'm SO PISSED at the irony.
Last night he was talking to my father, the bishop, about a man in need in our ward. Hubs was VERY concerned that this man, who is practically a stranger, is having a hard time with the death of my grandfather, my father's father (who was also in our branch). Yet, my husband basically avoided me and any difficult things I might be feeling because it would be so much more difficult to face the hurt HE caused than it is to be worried over this other guy he barely knows. I'm SO PISSED at the irony.
He is having a hard time getting all his work in because he's taken on an extra freelance job. I'm still barely catching up from when he was out of town for a month. I have worked tons of extra hours in the last two weeks and mostly just crawl in to bed exhausted but he has time to stay up late playing video games and then complains that we don't have someone to watch our son on the days HE is supposed to be watching our son. But on the day that we did have someone watching our son he spent time meant for work on porn and masturbation. I'm SO PISSED at the irony.
In the past few weeks he's been mad at me for wanting to do FHE on Sundays instead of Mondays, and for letting our son watch a Disney cartoon on Sunday, and has given me about 3 lectures on "choosing" happiness. Yet, HE WATCHES PORN on Monday, he gets down enough to act out in his addiction. I'm sorry, by "choose" happiness did you really mean choose your horrible numbing mechanism called lust addiction? I'm confused? I'm SO PISSED at the irony.
On Sunday he talked to our bishop about having an interview tonight for renewing his temple recommend, so he can do temple work for his grandfather while in Utah for Thanksgiving. On Monday he acted out. I'm SO PISSED at the irony.
I did a good job staying numb all day yesterday and focusing on work, but now my shell is cracking when I really still need to be productive. I don't want to go home because I'll see him but I do because I want to see my son.
Stupid addiction.
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Recovery principles are applicable to everything!
Today has been kind of tough for various reasons that are unrelated to addiction. I have been feeling angry toward my significant other over the way he poorly handled a situation the result of which is added work on my part.
When I got to work I felt myself wanting to do anything but work or think about the situation. My recovery though kicked in and I was able to recognize that I was feeling negative emotions and I was feeling the desire to numb with mindless pinterest searching and netflix and food.
It made me kind of happy to see progress in my own life from recovery. It might not be addiction related but the principles of recovery are so all encompassing that they are just LIFE recovery. They are just excellent tools to make us all better equipped at navigating life with more emotional, spiritual, and mental stability. I'm certainly not perfect, and I'm pretty sure I will watch Netflix on one monitor while I work on the other but even recognizing the workings of my mind and emotions so quickly, almost as soon as they got started, is good and is healthy.
I LOVE recovery work. I love the 12-steps. I love all I have learned from the wonderful women that I run shoulders with figuratively. I love all that I am learning in therapy. I love that I am feeling more confidant in my parenting ability because of the knowledge I am gaining - at least I have some tools to help teach my child about emotions, sexuality, pornography, and boundaries. God is full of mercy and love and is ready to pour goodness, knowledge, and peace into our hearts as we make room in our hearts for those blessings.
When I got to work I felt myself wanting to do anything but work or think about the situation. My recovery though kicked in and I was able to recognize that I was feeling negative emotions and I was feeling the desire to numb with mindless pinterest searching and netflix and food.
It made me kind of happy to see progress in my own life from recovery. It might not be addiction related but the principles of recovery are so all encompassing that they are just LIFE recovery. They are just excellent tools to make us all better equipped at navigating life with more emotional, spiritual, and mental stability. I'm certainly not perfect, and I'm pretty sure I will watch Netflix on one monitor while I work on the other but even recognizing the workings of my mind and emotions so quickly, almost as soon as they got started, is good and is healthy.
I LOVE recovery work. I love the 12-steps. I love all I have learned from the wonderful women that I run shoulders with figuratively. I love all that I am learning in therapy. I love that I am feeling more confidant in my parenting ability because of the knowledge I am gaining - at least I have some tools to help teach my child about emotions, sexuality, pornography, and boundaries. God is full of mercy and love and is ready to pour goodness, knowledge, and peace into our hearts as we make room in our hearts for those blessings.
Monday, June 8, 2015
One Step Back, Two Baby Steps Forward: Part III
So, for the final baby step of the big step back and two steps forward we go to The Lion King.
We watched it with our son and we both had moments, for very different reasons. I might talk more about what I found in it in another post. B was very touched by the part where Mufasa appears in the stars and reminds Simba who he is. See the scene below.
On Sunday we were discussing our days and B indicated he is on a spiritual high and that he feels he is on the cusp of a change in perspective about his worth. I think he is so close to believing he has individual worth, because it is his birthright. It is something that contradicts nearly everything he has been taught to believe about himself so that knowledge will not come easily. The adversary will be putting up a big fight in B's journey to that part of his testimony. I hope he gets there though. His baby steps toward that knowledge is encouraging because I really feel it would change a lot. It would give him hope where he previously hasn't had any because he has such incredibly low self-esteem and such a low sense of worth.
This makes me grateful for the Young Women values. I had lessons on individual worth all through my teenage years. I might not have let it all sink in, and I have had my struggles. But I had the vocabulary, I had the lessons in the back on my mind somewhere, I have the theme to fall back on. As I have found more of my own confidence in my recovery journey I have changed for the better. I have become less willing to have things in my life that detract from the spirit. I have found my voice more. I have hopes that as B works to discover his self-worth he will have some of the same benefits.
This is a hard place. After such a huge blow up, and the feelings of being unsafe and all the emotional and verbal abuse it is hard to be in a good space. His honesty in the past few days and his efforts to keep out the spiritual and to dig deeper into himself have been baby steps in the right direction. I feel that these are not fake moments, but I also know that the spiritual high will come down. The temptations will return. The long-practiced patterns of blaming, abusing will still be the default so there is lots of work to be done.
For now, I'm glad he seems to be really trying to do the work. I have said, in no uncertain terms, that I will not be physically trapped again. I will not be fearful for my safety. If there is a next time he will be moving out, because it is just not ok at all. We slept in the same bed last night but today we both agreed that it was too soon and we will be sleeping apart for at least another week. I still feel raw. I am so hurt and betrayed. I feel weak and afraid. I feel sad and abused. I feel calm and hopeful. None of it makes sense but I have decided to just have confidence in myself and my ability to just live in the moment. If the moment is hopeful I am giving myself permission to have hope. If the moment is happy I am giving myself permission to be happy with B. If the moment is sad then I have permission to just be sad. If the moment is raw and emotional then I give myself permission to be raw, to require space, to want hugs, to want distance, to express myself or to keep it to myself to stay safe. I just am allowed to feel whatever I feel and do whatever is right for that moment, for that day.
In this moment I have hope and I have very real trauma to work through and that is okay. I am a daughter of God and with that comes power to overcome this trauma.
We watched it with our son and we both had moments, for very different reasons. I might talk more about what I found in it in another post. B was very touched by the part where Mufasa appears in the stars and reminds Simba who he is. See the scene below.
On Sunday we were discussing our days and B indicated he is on a spiritual high and that he feels he is on the cusp of a change in perspective about his worth. I think he is so close to believing he has individual worth, because it is his birthright. It is something that contradicts nearly everything he has been taught to believe about himself so that knowledge will not come easily. The adversary will be putting up a big fight in B's journey to that part of his testimony. I hope he gets there though. His baby steps toward that knowledge is encouraging because I really feel it would change a lot. It would give him hope where he previously hasn't had any because he has such incredibly low self-esteem and such a low sense of worth.
This makes me grateful for the Young Women values. I had lessons on individual worth all through my teenage years. I might not have let it all sink in, and I have had my struggles. But I had the vocabulary, I had the lessons in the back on my mind somewhere, I have the theme to fall back on. As I have found more of my own confidence in my recovery journey I have changed for the better. I have become less willing to have things in my life that detract from the spirit. I have found my voice more. I have hopes that as B works to discover his self-worth he will have some of the same benefits.
This is a hard place. After such a huge blow up, and the feelings of being unsafe and all the emotional and verbal abuse it is hard to be in a good space. His honesty in the past few days and his efforts to keep out the spiritual and to dig deeper into himself have been baby steps in the right direction. I feel that these are not fake moments, but I also know that the spiritual high will come down. The temptations will return. The long-practiced patterns of blaming, abusing will still be the default so there is lots of work to be done.
For now, I'm glad he seems to be really trying to do the work. I have said, in no uncertain terms, that I will not be physically trapped again. I will not be fearful for my safety. If there is a next time he will be moving out, because it is just not ok at all. We slept in the same bed last night but today we both agreed that it was too soon and we will be sleeping apart for at least another week. I still feel raw. I am so hurt and betrayed. I feel weak and afraid. I feel sad and abused. I feel calm and hopeful. None of it makes sense but I have decided to just have confidence in myself and my ability to just live in the moment. If the moment is hopeful I am giving myself permission to have hope. If the moment is happy I am giving myself permission to be happy with B. If the moment is sad then I have permission to just be sad. If the moment is raw and emotional then I give myself permission to be raw, to require space, to want hugs, to want distance, to express myself or to keep it to myself to stay safe. I just am allowed to feel whatever I feel and do whatever is right for that moment, for that day.
In this moment I have hope and I have very real trauma to work through and that is okay. I am a daughter of God and with that comes power to overcome this trauma.
One Big Step Back, Two Baby Steps Forward: Part I
A lot has happened this past weekend and I want to get it all written down for my own processing and healing. I'm going to do so in three posts - the first of which will discuss the ONE BIG STEP BACK. So this post will not be a happy one, but I still feel it is an important part of the story for myself.
A few nights ago B forgot to keep the commitment he made of
watching the video Helping Her Heal with me that night. He had made that commitment earlier in the
day – bringing it up and coming up with the time himself.
At the end of the night he asked what was wrong and I told
him that he said he was going to watch that video. His apology was “I’m sorry
but this and this and this came up, as you know, and I forgot so I need you to
give me understanding” To me that is not an apology – he was making excuses
instead of just owning that yes, I made a mistake, and I am sorry how can I
make it up to you?
We argued for about 5 minutes and then I said I didn’t want
to talk about it anymore. He was in victim mode and making the entire
thing about himself and blaming me so I stuck to my own boundary of not continuing such a conversation and he stormed out of the room.
We slept apart.
The next morning before I left for work I asked if he wanted to
talk about anything before I left. He said “You made me feel like a failure and
a scum bag so no” I responded by telling him that I did not call names, I did
not yell, I did not make him feel that way. If he is feeling shame that is on
him and not on me. After a couple minutes of arguing I told him I didn’t want
to talk about it anymore. He kept going. I got up to walk away and he followed
me for the next 10 minutes as I got ready for work. He was yelling, cursing,
and blaming me for everything. It was some of the worst verbal abuse I've experienced from him. Our toddler was pushing him and trying to
protect me. I did not say anything except “I don’t want to talk” and “I just
want this conversation to end” He then said he was going to watch the video now
and went to the computer. I told him, forcefully, that he would not watch that video with
our toddler around. He got up and continued yelling at me. It was my fault that our marriage is falling apart. It was my fault that he felt like crap. It was my fault that we don't get along. I was told that I am to blame for it all, his unhappiness, our unhappiness, parts of his addiction, all of it. At one point we
ended up in the bedroom while I was getting ready. I was still not talking unless I was saying that I didn't want to talk anymore. I tried leaving as he was
still verbally and emotionally abusing me and he wouldn’t let me out. He
wouldn’t let me out for what seemed like a lifetime but was probably more like
a minute. I only said “Please let me out” and after the minute I panicked, my
breath sped up and I yelled “JUST LET ME PASS!” at which point he let me pass –
berating me the entire time.
I felt very scared for my safety when he trapped me in my
own room. He physically stayed in my way. He's never hit me or shoved me but in that moment I was terrified that he might, especially if I tried to force my way past him.
Just before I left I asked if he wanted me to take little man for 5 minutes so he could cool down and he started yelling again so I just
left. He told me congratulations on traumatizing our son, that it was my fault that our little boy had now witnessed such ugliness.
That day was hard. I called a friend and sobbed. I called my dad, our bishop, and sobbed. I called our therapist and sobbed. They all told me the same thing, he was not allowed to cross that line and I needed to make it clear that this would never happen again. I was grateful for their reassurance of what I knew in my heart. At work that morning a friend asked if I was okay. I broke down into wracking sobs again. I was barely holding it together all day. Scratch that I wasn't holding it together all day, only for about 1 hour spurts.
I should mention when I was a teenager my first boyfriend shoved me down the stairs once. And after we broke up he trapped me in a car for 30+ minutes while he verbally and emotionally abused me. I believe this experience with B traumatized me so much because it brought the same fear and helplessness to my heart that I experienced as that 16 year old girl.
That day, that B treated me this way, I was ready to tell him to move out of our room for good, or possibly out of our home. All day I found myself walking with my head facing down looking at the ground. My beautiful friend who was my first call had reminded me to not let him take away who I am. I am a strong, beautiful, smart woman and he doesn't get to treat me like that and I am not what he called me and I am not responsible for the things he blamed me for. Throughout the day I reminded myself to hold my head up high and push my shoulders back and walk tall. I AM a strong woman. I CAN stand up for myself. I DO NOT deserve the treatment I received and I DO have choices.
It was a bad day.
Monday, June 1, 2015
Detaching a Bit
This has been a pretty up and down past few days.
Wednesday night is check-in night. Thursday I found porn. Ironically I wasn't really snooping or trying to find anything. I feel that maybe this was the spirit guiding me to tell me something. The problem was that according to our current set up - he won't disclose that until this Wednesday! So, I can either confront him, which would be rather pointless because it is typical of him to look at porn every other week (right on freakin' schedule) or I can wait to see if he lies to me.
I chose the later, because it would tell me more than just confronting him I believe. So, now I know he's acted out. I'm extra off balance because this is only the third time I've actually SEEN any porn that he's forgotten to delete. Unfortunately, the next day I snooped when I know I shouldn't have in order to see if he'd caught himself and deleted the evidence. That sent me into a fear and anger spiral, like snooping always does when it is not instigated by a prompting. And now I'm trying to dig myself out of it.
Also, I am seriously ashamed of this (which means I need to get it out) I clicked on one of the two links. The thumbnail wasn't pornographic but the title indicated that is was porn. I clicked, and it started, and the volume was up, and I immediately regretted my decision and had a moment of terror as I was trying to turn it off and COULDN'T for a full five seconds because I don't use tablets ever. The sounds and images are burned in my mind and I'm into my fear, sadness, and anger even deeper because of my wrong choice. I am working on repenting of my actions, and surrendering my negative emotions, so I can be free from the chains that are binding me in my anger. It is tough work.
Amidst all this mess I'm still cohabiting with the person I know betrayed me again. It has made my blood boil even more watching the complete 180 in him since he acted out. Wednesday night he was in a pretty depressed state. Thursday night he seemed chipper, calm, patient, loving, affectionate and has been pretty much ever since. I guess life is better when you've properly numbed up all the negative with acting out in your addiction! The thing that gets me is if I hadn't found the porn I would probably have been all these things back to him and we might have even been sexually intimate.
So I've detached a lot this week. We are only having superficial conversations and I'm extra busy with cooking, cleaning, and I have been needing to go to bed early and been purposefully trying to not go to bed at the same time so I'm not asked for any extra curricular activities. I will say it is probably the most successful I've been at detaching and I just need to make it to Wednesday so that is good.
I have also tried to up my self-care by reading my scriptures more, reading a book I have been meaning to get to, long baths with essential oils, painting my nails, naps, and lots of play time with my little boy. Those have all helped me not go nutso this week. My plan to make it to Wednesday is simple - work long hours. Tonight I have a Bachelorette viewing party so I really don't need to spend any time with B and tomorrow night I can figure out something to keep us at a safe distance.
My plan for if he lies to me is to tell him, without specifics, that I know he isn't being truthful. If he continues to lie or goes into addict mode defensiveness or verbal abuse I'll step away from the conversation. If he lies at all I will be buying and installing spy-ware in order to know the extent of his lies. Luckily for me we have therapy the next day, and I have my first solo therapy session as well so I have help coming soon. I am also trying to muster up the courage to kick him out of our bedroom completely if he lies to me, for an undetermined amount of time. I honestly don't know if I have the courage and the self-confidence to do that, but I want to do it. We'll see.
Wednesday night is check-in night. Thursday I found porn. Ironically I wasn't really snooping or trying to find anything. I feel that maybe this was the spirit guiding me to tell me something. The problem was that according to our current set up - he won't disclose that until this Wednesday! So, I can either confront him, which would be rather pointless because it is typical of him to look at porn every other week (right on freakin' schedule) or I can wait to see if he lies to me.
I chose the later, because it would tell me more than just confronting him I believe. So, now I know he's acted out. I'm extra off balance because this is only the third time I've actually SEEN any porn that he's forgotten to delete. Unfortunately, the next day I snooped when I know I shouldn't have in order to see if he'd caught himself and deleted the evidence. That sent me into a fear and anger spiral, like snooping always does when it is not instigated by a prompting. And now I'm trying to dig myself out of it.
Also, I am seriously ashamed of this (which means I need to get it out) I clicked on one of the two links. The thumbnail wasn't pornographic but the title indicated that is was porn. I clicked, and it started, and the volume was up, and I immediately regretted my decision and had a moment of terror as I was trying to turn it off and COULDN'T for a full five seconds because I don't use tablets ever. The sounds and images are burned in my mind and I'm into my fear, sadness, and anger even deeper because of my wrong choice. I am working on repenting of my actions, and surrendering my negative emotions, so I can be free from the chains that are binding me in my anger. It is tough work.
Amidst all this mess I'm still cohabiting with the person I know betrayed me again. It has made my blood boil even more watching the complete 180 in him since he acted out. Wednesday night he was in a pretty depressed state. Thursday night he seemed chipper, calm, patient, loving, affectionate and has been pretty much ever since. I guess life is better when you've properly numbed up all the negative with acting out in your addiction! The thing that gets me is if I hadn't found the porn I would probably have been all these things back to him and we might have even been sexually intimate.
So I've detached a lot this week. We are only having superficial conversations and I'm extra busy with cooking, cleaning, and I have been needing to go to bed early and been purposefully trying to not go to bed at the same time so I'm not asked for any extra curricular activities. I will say it is probably the most successful I've been at detaching and I just need to make it to Wednesday so that is good.
I have also tried to up my self-care by reading my scriptures more, reading a book I have been meaning to get to, long baths with essential oils, painting my nails, naps, and lots of play time with my little boy. Those have all helped me not go nutso this week. My plan to make it to Wednesday is simple - work long hours. Tonight I have a Bachelorette viewing party so I really don't need to spend any time with B and tomorrow night I can figure out something to keep us at a safe distance.
My plan for if he lies to me is to tell him, without specifics, that I know he isn't being truthful. If he continues to lie or goes into addict mode defensiveness or verbal abuse I'll step away from the conversation. If he lies at all I will be buying and installing spy-ware in order to know the extent of his lies. Luckily for me we have therapy the next day, and I have my first solo therapy session as well so I have help coming soon. I am also trying to muster up the courage to kick him out of our bedroom completely if he lies to me, for an undetermined amount of time. I honestly don't know if I have the courage and the self-confidence to do that, but I want to do it. We'll see.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Self-Care, A New Boundary, and how addicts deceive themselves
Yesterday was disclosure day. B actually did it first thing in the morning which was good (the past two weeks he tried to skip it completely). He had acted out the day before, twice, including masturbating in OUR bed while I was at work. He's done this before. I try to not think about it. Yesterday I hit my limit on that one though. After work I spent $200 and got all new bedding, including a darling eyelet dust ruffle, shams, decorative pillow, the works, and new curtains/rods, and a new large piece of art for the bedroom, frames, etc. Then I came home and was on a mission - pulled out the power drill for the curtain rods, re-did the whole bed, hung the new art, moved some decor around, and it was fabulous! The new stuff is bright and yellow and aqua and sunny and happy.
Then I told B that I have a new boundary. I am asking him to never view pornography or masturbate in our room, in MY ROOM, because I need my room to be a safe place free of his addiction. If he does act out in any way in our room, he will move out of our room and into the baby's room, who will move in with me. I didn't put a time limit but I made clear it would be dresser and all. My bedroom gets to be a safe place gosh darn it! He didn't put up a fight but he is clearly depressed, and mad at himself because of his acting out. I did not force myself to be supportive and encouraging when he first disclosed. I just thanked him for his honesty and went on my way. I am not taking on his negativity, I got yellow bedding instead!
As I was changing the bedding by myself I found a notebook hidden under the mattress. I don't even think he put two and two together when he saw the new bedding that I MUST have found it. I skimmed it to see if it was what I thought it was. It was a journal, with only two entries. In glancing over them I saw it was much more of the criticism he had leveled at me the other day. I didn't read more than a few sentences but he was fuming, and it was all about how I am screwing up life by applying recovery principles to other aspects of life. For a hot second I was raging. By the time my bed was all made though I was calmed, just another example of how addicts deceive themselves into believing things that aren't true. He's so incapable, or scared, of facing the truth of his life that all of his energy lately is spent focusing on me and what he deems to be my mistakes that are causing "damage" to me and to us. HA.
Watch out mr. addict man. This woman has new happy sheets and you are not about to ruin them with your nasty addiction - and pretty soon that confidence will spill over into other rooms in our home and you'll be fresh out of places to act out without severe consequences! Addict B is so stupid and selfish. Non-addict mode B is awesome. Too bad he can't separate them, because kicking addict B out of our room will also kick the other one out. Hopefully it doesn't come to that but I'm 98.62% sure it will, just a matter of time.
Then I told B that I have a new boundary. I am asking him to never view pornography or masturbate in our room, in MY ROOM, because I need my room to be a safe place free of his addiction. If he does act out in any way in our room, he will move out of our room and into the baby's room, who will move in with me. I didn't put a time limit but I made clear it would be dresser and all. My bedroom gets to be a safe place gosh darn it! He didn't put up a fight but he is clearly depressed, and mad at himself because of his acting out. I did not force myself to be supportive and encouraging when he first disclosed. I just thanked him for his honesty and went on my way. I am not taking on his negativity, I got yellow bedding instead!
As I was changing the bedding by myself I found a notebook hidden under the mattress. I don't even think he put two and two together when he saw the new bedding that I MUST have found it. I skimmed it to see if it was what I thought it was. It was a journal, with only two entries. In glancing over them I saw it was much more of the criticism he had leveled at me the other day. I didn't read more than a few sentences but he was fuming, and it was all about how I am screwing up life by applying recovery principles to other aspects of life. For a hot second I was raging. By the time my bed was all made though I was calmed, just another example of how addicts deceive themselves into believing things that aren't true. He's so incapable, or scared, of facing the truth of his life that all of his energy lately is spent focusing on me and what he deems to be my mistakes that are causing "damage" to me and to us. HA.
Watch out mr. addict man. This woman has new happy sheets and you are not about to ruin them with your nasty addiction - and pretty soon that confidence will spill over into other rooms in our home and you'll be fresh out of places to act out without severe consequences! Addict B is so stupid and selfish. Non-addict mode B is awesome. Too bad he can't separate them, because kicking addict B out of our room will also kick the other one out. Hopefully it doesn't come to that but I'm 98.62% sure it will, just a matter of time.
Thursday, April 23, 2015
Welp, I felt the feels, or rather I exploded the feels all over the place
In my last post I talked about how I'd been numbing, avoiding, etc. but I knew I wasn't okay. I left it with a renewed goal of feeling the feels so that I could surrender them and move forward. Well, I did, kind of.
The problem with numbing, avoiding, ignoring is the feelings tend to get magnified. At least that is my experience. Or maybe the longer I numb the less capable I am at sorting through them in a healthy manner so my response becomes increasingly negative. Either way, it was ugly. I got upset. I went into hermit mode all day Saturday and most of Sunday. On Sunday afternoon I watched "Helping Her Heal" for the first time, by myself. Wowza. Talk about a giant flood of tears and emotion. It just shook all the pain out of where I had locked it up and it came pouring through my body. I was rocking back and forth, sobbing, collapsing in on myself physically. My body just could not hold the pain. Yeah, 2 hours of crazy, just me and my computer and my big bulky headphones, oh and tons of tissues.
Now the emotion wasn't locked in anymore so I had to figure out where to put it! Once little one was in bed my anger and frustration and hurt decided the addict in the home was a pretty damn good place to pour all my emotion onto. He was ill-prepared, because he is an addict not in recovery, to handle my hurt. We got into a fight about something super minor. Then it just went from there to not liking each others families (even though we do), and from there he went straight to the blame game. I responded with trying, in all the wrong ways, to get him to understand just how much I was hurting emotionally (read yelling, point, arguing, etc). He upped his game by pulling out his LDS family services manual and reading quotes from general authorities about why I was wrong (at this point our discussion was focusing on whether or not I am allowed to tell people my challenge without his consent and approval - I said I can, because the story is mine - He said that is super disrespectful and taking away his right to tell whom he deems fit). I upped my game by yelling louder about my rights, and what I need, and crying even more.
He upped the ante again with pulling in other circumstances where I have "disrespected" him. I upped it by pointing out the obvious, LOOKING AT PORN IS NOT RESPECTING ME EITHER. And by also bring in other circumstances - like how he'd gotten mad at me for buying a soda on Sunday because that isn't keeping the Sabbath. BTW - BUYING A SODA IS NOTHING COMPARED TO LOOKING AT PORN AND MASTURBATING TWICE ON EASTER SUNDAY. There may have been a few or a lot of curse words thrown his way too. That Easter dig was pretty much the trump card that broke the flood. I collapsed to the ground in a bucket of tears, all my anger spent, and just sorrow left. He just stared at me, I mean really, what do you say after that? He could even see the logic in that one.
So we sat, and I sobbed, and we just went quiet. And finally, my emotions were almost all out. I calmed down. After a while I had enough clarity to apologize for my bad behavior, the cursing and the below the belt digs. I asked him, what I could do to help him feel like I acknowledged his hurt at finding out I had told someone else about my challenge without changing my stance on my right to do so. He said there wasn't anything. And so we left it. And the entire situation just calmed down.
I guess I felt the feels. Now I have a cold from all the crying - swollen face and sinuses all freakin' week. I got triggered last night and stewed for today but brought it up tonight. He briefly resorted to anger but as I stayed calm and tried to express that I was just still feeling hurt he calmly listened to my hurt, let me cry some more, and didn't try to deflect any of it. Is it possible to be making progress even when there is only a week of sobriety, which I don't actually call sobriety?
The problem with numbing, avoiding, ignoring is the feelings tend to get magnified. At least that is my experience. Or maybe the longer I numb the less capable I am at sorting through them in a healthy manner so my response becomes increasingly negative. Either way, it was ugly. I got upset. I went into hermit mode all day Saturday and most of Sunday. On Sunday afternoon I watched "Helping Her Heal" for the first time, by myself. Wowza. Talk about a giant flood of tears and emotion. It just shook all the pain out of where I had locked it up and it came pouring through my body. I was rocking back and forth, sobbing, collapsing in on myself physically. My body just could not hold the pain. Yeah, 2 hours of crazy, just me and my computer and my big bulky headphones, oh and tons of tissues.
Now the emotion wasn't locked in anymore so I had to figure out where to put it! Once little one was in bed my anger and frustration and hurt decided the addict in the home was a pretty damn good place to pour all my emotion onto. He was ill-prepared, because he is an addict not in recovery, to handle my hurt. We got into a fight about something super minor. Then it just went from there to not liking each others families (even though we do), and from there he went straight to the blame game. I responded with trying, in all the wrong ways, to get him to understand just how much I was hurting emotionally (read yelling, point, arguing, etc). He upped his game by pulling out his LDS family services manual and reading quotes from general authorities about why I was wrong (at this point our discussion was focusing on whether or not I am allowed to tell people my challenge without his consent and approval - I said I can, because the story is mine - He said that is super disrespectful and taking away his right to tell whom he deems fit). I upped my game by yelling louder about my rights, and what I need, and crying even more.
He upped the ante again with pulling in other circumstances where I have "disrespected" him. I upped it by pointing out the obvious, LOOKING AT PORN IS NOT RESPECTING ME EITHER. And by also bring in other circumstances - like how he'd gotten mad at me for buying a soda on Sunday because that isn't keeping the Sabbath. BTW - BUYING A SODA IS NOTHING COMPARED TO LOOKING AT PORN AND MASTURBATING TWICE ON EASTER SUNDAY. There may have been a few or a lot of curse words thrown his way too. That Easter dig was pretty much the trump card that broke the flood. I collapsed to the ground in a bucket of tears, all my anger spent, and just sorrow left. He just stared at me, I mean really, what do you say after that? He could even see the logic in that one.
So we sat, and I sobbed, and we just went quiet. And finally, my emotions were almost all out. I calmed down. After a while I had enough clarity to apologize for my bad behavior, the cursing and the below the belt digs. I asked him, what I could do to help him feel like I acknowledged his hurt at finding out I had told someone else about my challenge without changing my stance on my right to do so. He said there wasn't anything. And so we left it. And the entire situation just calmed down.
I guess I felt the feels. Now I have a cold from all the crying - swollen face and sinuses all freakin' week. I got triggered last night and stewed for today but brought it up tonight. He briefly resorted to anger but as I stayed calm and tried to express that I was just still feeling hurt he calmly listened to my hurt, let me cry some more, and didn't try to deflect any of it. Is it possible to be making progress even when there is only a week of sobriety, which I don't actually call sobriety?
Friday, February 27, 2015
Won't you HURRY UP and want me?
I know I've written about this before, but it is on my mind again. The lyric "I want you to want me" plays over and over in my head these days. I've heard more times that I can count in therapy, in discussions, in arguments, in meetings with the bishop, that I am not wanted by my husband. He is not attracted to me emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or physically. He does not like me, he is not sure if he loves me any more. I have changed "and not in a good way." I have heard this so much. It hurts every single time.
Don't get me wrong, it is actually not grating on my sense of worth too much. I have worked hard on that. I know I am wanted by many people - my Savior, my parents, my siblings, my extended family, my best friends. I have fun relationships with my work and school peers. I have so many people who love me and I am so blessed in that regard. I don't want to undermine their love for me, acceptance of me, and support for me.
However, I chose this one person, nearly 6 years ago, to be MY person. The person who I will spend eternity with. I want him to want me. I want him to see my value. I thought I wanted him to remember how he used to feel about me. But I've been told he's never had "tender" feelings toward me. I believe he's felt love for me, but since he's been an addict our entire marriage I also believe that possibly his love for me has never actually matched my love for him. He's resented me our entire marriage for something that happened while we were engaged. He's doubted his decision to marry me our entire marriage because of the same thing. He's liked me some of the time. He's loved me some of the time. But I don't think it has ever been the way I thought my husband would love me before I found him.
This is part of the reason I was SO BADLY for him to recover from his addiction. I have hope that the further away he gets from his addiction (as in the further into recovery) the more he'll be able to see me for me and learn to like me, and even love me. I just want him to HURRY up and love me already!
Something I was once told by a grown married woman really stuck with me. She said that her husband loved her more than she loved him because she recognized that he was able to love more unconditionally due to his level on conversion to the gospel of Christ. She loved him as well as she could, but she knew it didn't match what how he could love her. It didn't make sense to me. It seemed unfair. Now I'm just impressed by her honesty, vulnerability, and keen self-inspection. I feel I am on the flip side of that. I undoubtedly love my husband more than he does me, he has said so as well. I'm just not sure what to do with the constant reminding of that fact.
As we left therapy yesterday I was PISSED because I felt B had been completely dishonest in his representation of me and I hadn't had time to address it, and because I'd been reminded yet again of his lack of feelings toward me. I couldn't speak, I could hardly breathe, I was so mad. I looked out the window for the 30 min drive home and fluctuated between praying and seething. Then the Holy Ghost reminded me that the Savior knows. He knows the truth, which is probably somewhere between my story and B's story. And He knows that I am worth loving. He knows the desire of my heart. He knows that I want so badly to be wanted by my husband but that I am not. He also knows the end from the beginning. If I do my best, and strive for perfection, I will be saved and have eternal life. Which means someday I will have a partner who WANTS me. I hope that partner is B. If that is what I want, and it is, then I have to work on my own heart, to forgive him of the wrongs so that I can be the other half of that celestial partnership. Someday B will be the husband I have always wanted, and someday I'll be the woman he wants too.
Don't get me wrong, it is actually not grating on my sense of worth too much. I have worked hard on that. I know I am wanted by many people - my Savior, my parents, my siblings, my extended family, my best friends. I have fun relationships with my work and school peers. I have so many people who love me and I am so blessed in that regard. I don't want to undermine their love for me, acceptance of me, and support for me.
However, I chose this one person, nearly 6 years ago, to be MY person. The person who I will spend eternity with. I want him to want me. I want him to see my value. I thought I wanted him to remember how he used to feel about me. But I've been told he's never had "tender" feelings toward me. I believe he's felt love for me, but since he's been an addict our entire marriage I also believe that possibly his love for me has never actually matched my love for him. He's resented me our entire marriage for something that happened while we were engaged. He's doubted his decision to marry me our entire marriage because of the same thing. He's liked me some of the time. He's loved me some of the time. But I don't think it has ever been the way I thought my husband would love me before I found him.
This is part of the reason I was SO BADLY for him to recover from his addiction. I have hope that the further away he gets from his addiction (as in the further into recovery) the more he'll be able to see me for me and learn to like me, and even love me. I just want him to HURRY up and love me already!
Something I was once told by a grown married woman really stuck with me. She said that her husband loved her more than she loved him because she recognized that he was able to love more unconditionally due to his level on conversion to the gospel of Christ. She loved him as well as she could, but she knew it didn't match what how he could love her. It didn't make sense to me. It seemed unfair. Now I'm just impressed by her honesty, vulnerability, and keen self-inspection. I feel I am on the flip side of that. I undoubtedly love my husband more than he does me, he has said so as well. I'm just not sure what to do with the constant reminding of that fact.
As we left therapy yesterday I was PISSED because I felt B had been completely dishonest in his representation of me and I hadn't had time to address it, and because I'd been reminded yet again of his lack of feelings toward me. I couldn't speak, I could hardly breathe, I was so mad. I looked out the window for the 30 min drive home and fluctuated between praying and seething. Then the Holy Ghost reminded me that the Savior knows. He knows the truth, which is probably somewhere between my story and B's story. And He knows that I am worth loving. He knows the desire of my heart. He knows that I want so badly to be wanted by my husband but that I am not. He also knows the end from the beginning. If I do my best, and strive for perfection, I will be saved and have eternal life. Which means someday I will have a partner who WANTS me. I hope that partner is B. If that is what I want, and it is, then I have to work on my own heart, to forgive him of the wrongs so that I can be the other half of that celestial partnership. Someday B will be the husband I have always wanted, and someday I'll be the woman he wants too.
Thursday, January 29, 2015
I Want To Feel Safe
About a week ago I discovered another lie of deliberate omission by my husband. It was the most recent in a round of one ever few weeks since maybe mid-November. I've lost count I just know that for a few months now, for the first time in our marriage, I've actually caught lies. For a while I was okay getting over them in a decent amount of time. Then I started questioning why I'm finding so many. I still believe maybe the Lord saw fit that it was time I knew a little more of the truth.
For the last week I've been trying the "fake it til you make it" route on trusting B. I thought that if I could just move on and act like I trust him and force myself to believe him then I would and I'd be able to skip on the trauma mode portion of the cycle. I've not done a good job. I have asked EVERY SINGLE day if he's looked at anything, which is WAY out of my norm. I usually don't ask, I expect him to tell me. And the asking isn't helping because when he says "No" I immediately think, "Yeah, right, you're lying, asshole."
Turns out you can't force trust. Turns out this lie might have been the straw that broke the camel's back as far as some serious boundary considering. I'm considering having him move out of the bedroom. I've implemented a couple nights apart plenty of times for acting out and lying. I've never actually made it a quasi-permanent situation. I'm not sure if I want to. It is the boundary I first thought of when this happened a week ago but I have been going back and forth because I don't know if it is because that would make me feel more safe or I want to punish him.
I want to feel safe. I also want to punish him. In the moment I want him to hurt like I do. I want him to FEEL. I want to break him like has broken me. I want him to see all my worth and know that he's nearly lost me. I want him to actually CARE about something more than pornography. I want him to actually get his work done and help support us financially in the way he is supposed to be doing. I want him to ask me on a damn date. I want him to fall over himself making it up to me. I want him to go to meetings, and read books, and do the steps. And therein lies my problem. Aside from the first one, all these things are for HIM to do and I can't force HIM to do anything.
So, back to the first one. I want to feel safe. How do I feel safe if I can't trust my spouse to simply tell the truth. There have been so many times he assured me I know everything. The lies that I've uncovered so far haven't been things worse in nature than what I already knew. In fact they are all a little less bad in nature but they are still acting in his addiction and they were all kept from me because "they aren't all the way acting out." So the women weren't FULLY nude. Or it was just "dancing." Or, it is "reference" for his art. Or I wasn't told because it is "better" that he didn't hurt me so much by telling me.
I need to take control of my life back from this stupid addiction. I want to feel safe. But how?
For the last week I've been trying the "fake it til you make it" route on trusting B. I thought that if I could just move on and act like I trust him and force myself to believe him then I would and I'd be able to skip on the trauma mode portion of the cycle. I've not done a good job. I have asked EVERY SINGLE day if he's looked at anything, which is WAY out of my norm. I usually don't ask, I expect him to tell me. And the asking isn't helping because when he says "No" I immediately think, "Yeah, right, you're lying, asshole."
Turns out you can't force trust. Turns out this lie might have been the straw that broke the camel's back as far as some serious boundary considering. I'm considering having him move out of the bedroom. I've implemented a couple nights apart plenty of times for acting out and lying. I've never actually made it a quasi-permanent situation. I'm not sure if I want to. It is the boundary I first thought of when this happened a week ago but I have been going back and forth because I don't know if it is because that would make me feel more safe or I want to punish him.
I want to feel safe. I also want to punish him. In the moment I want him to hurt like I do. I want him to FEEL. I want to break him like has broken me. I want him to see all my worth and know that he's nearly lost me. I want him to actually CARE about something more than pornography. I want him to actually get his work done and help support us financially in the way he is supposed to be doing. I want him to ask me on a damn date. I want him to fall over himself making it up to me. I want him to go to meetings, and read books, and do the steps. And therein lies my problem. Aside from the first one, all these things are for HIM to do and I can't force HIM to do anything.
So, back to the first one. I want to feel safe. How do I feel safe if I can't trust my spouse to simply tell the truth. There have been so many times he assured me I know everything. The lies that I've uncovered so far haven't been things worse in nature than what I already knew. In fact they are all a little less bad in nature but they are still acting in his addiction and they were all kept from me because "they aren't all the way acting out." So the women weren't FULLY nude. Or it was just "dancing." Or, it is "reference" for his art. Or I wasn't told because it is "better" that he didn't hurt me so much by telling me.
I need to take control of my life back from this stupid addiction. I want to feel safe. But how?
Monday, January 19, 2015
And then there were two - addicts in the house
We are living with my parents while I am in graduate school. My teenage brother is still at home too. Last Thursday B acted out - and I crashed and burned in response because I didn't stay in a safe place long enough (see my last post). Then on Saturday morning I discovered that my brother most likely has the same addiction. My toddler got on his phone internet (thankfully NOT anything inappropriate) but I just felt like clicking over to the history so I did. For the last month 95% of the sites visited were pornography and there were dozens and dozens of sites.
I can see now that I immediately numbed. I went into busy mode of tasks: 1) search for help for parents, 2) tell my parents, separately because my dad knows about B and my mom doesn't so it would be a different kind of conversation, 3) send resources to parents 4) comfort my mother 5) work in the afternoon. I stayed calm throughout the day and even into Sunday morning. B was still distant and unsupportive and involved in his own thoughts. I got home from church and felt my numbness starting to crumble even though I really did NOT want it to crumble. I found myself super curious about when my parents would talk to my brother and what they would say and what he would say and I wanted to tell him I loved him but I also wanted to through his phone across the room and then take a hammer to it. I wanted to hug him and support him and I wanted to kick his shins, and yell, and call out every single lie my parents were going to buy. I was sure he would lie because that is what addicts do and that is what he has been known to do. I was sure my parents were going to believe them because while they aren't stupid they also aren't versed in addiction. I wanted to scream and cry and break things so badly but I just sat, I had dinner, visited, cleaned. I played with my son.
At one point I knew my parents had talked to my brother but when they were done he seemed happy. He was chipper and energetic and just talking about his plans for the evening and making jokes. This was certainly not the behavior of someone who had just fully confessed his deepest darkest secrets to his parents. This was not the behavior of someone preparing to make huge adjustments in his life. This was not the behavior of someone who had faced the truth of his problem. This was the behavior of my brother, making light of things, and business has usual. I cautiously asked my parents how it went and only got a "good" and "he said what I expected." I know they are now keeping it between them and my brother. That is fine. Just because I discovered it doesn't mean I need to be involved in anything else. If I am honest with myself it is BETTER that I'm not involved with anything else. In the moment when it became clear I was being cut off from any information the last of my numbness crumbled.
I am hurt. I am hurt by my husband's actions. I'm hurt more by his inability to empathize, or think of me, or support me, or even spend a few minutes helping me. I'm feeling lonely and surrounded by filth knowing that two of the three men in my house are regularly viewing smut. I'm feeling lonely because I can't help my mom and share all that I have learned because she doesn't know why I would know anything about this addiction. I'm fearful that nothing will change. Both B and my brother will continue to harm themselves and their loved ones by selfishly indulging in their compulsions and not seeking help. I'm overwhelmed.
Last night I was feeling all this yuck and when I was visiting with B while he had a video game on he asked me how I was doing. He didn't even look at me or turn off the game so I knew it wasn't safe to truly share with him. So I told him I didn't think I wanted to talk about. To his credit after a few moments he turned off the game and came and found me. He wasn't very excited about it, and he definitely gave the strong vibe he was asking out of obligation instead of true concern but I took his actions as a message that I could share. So I did, and I ugly cried, and I spilled my heart. He held my hand, and said he was sorry for the pain. And then while I kept talking (mind you, it had barely been 10 minutes), he fell asleep. I stopped talking, and a few minutes later he opened his eyes and said, "What was that?" CLEARLY he was not actually a safe space right now. I clammed up and made light and excused myself to bed. He chose to stay up and play more video games.
TRIGGER!!! Seriously, he can't stay awake for ten minutes of me being my most vulnerable and in need but as soon as I'm done he will stay awake to play video games. I cried myself to sleep for the second night in a row. The thing that gets me the most is just how selfish this addiction makes people. They cannot see past themselves.
On my way to work today I heart the Carrie Underwood song "Something In the Water" which I love. If you haven't listened to it, please do. It reminded me that my Savior is still there, waiting for me to ask for help. And while I'll still hurt, he can help me move to a place of peace and acceptance and eternal perspective. And he will listen, and stay awake for as long as I need to talk to Him. In this moment I just realized that He gets that feeling because his disciples fell asleep when He needed them most too. He understands.
Matthew 26: 36-44:
The Savior can help us no matter our pain, and we are never alone unless we choose to be alone.
I can see now that I immediately numbed. I went into busy mode of tasks: 1) search for help for parents, 2) tell my parents, separately because my dad knows about B and my mom doesn't so it would be a different kind of conversation, 3) send resources to parents 4) comfort my mother 5) work in the afternoon. I stayed calm throughout the day and even into Sunday morning. B was still distant and unsupportive and involved in his own thoughts. I got home from church and felt my numbness starting to crumble even though I really did NOT want it to crumble. I found myself super curious about when my parents would talk to my brother and what they would say and what he would say and I wanted to tell him I loved him but I also wanted to through his phone across the room and then take a hammer to it. I wanted to hug him and support him and I wanted to kick his shins, and yell, and call out every single lie my parents were going to buy. I was sure he would lie because that is what addicts do and that is what he has been known to do. I was sure my parents were going to believe them because while they aren't stupid they also aren't versed in addiction. I wanted to scream and cry and break things so badly but I just sat, I had dinner, visited, cleaned. I played with my son.
At one point I knew my parents had talked to my brother but when they were done he seemed happy. He was chipper and energetic and just talking about his plans for the evening and making jokes. This was certainly not the behavior of someone who had just fully confessed his deepest darkest secrets to his parents. This was not the behavior of someone preparing to make huge adjustments in his life. This was not the behavior of someone who had faced the truth of his problem. This was the behavior of my brother, making light of things, and business has usual. I cautiously asked my parents how it went and only got a "good" and "he said what I expected." I know they are now keeping it between them and my brother. That is fine. Just because I discovered it doesn't mean I need to be involved in anything else. If I am honest with myself it is BETTER that I'm not involved with anything else. In the moment when it became clear I was being cut off from any information the last of my numbness crumbled.
I am hurt. I am hurt by my husband's actions. I'm hurt more by his inability to empathize, or think of me, or support me, or even spend a few minutes helping me. I'm feeling lonely and surrounded by filth knowing that two of the three men in my house are regularly viewing smut. I'm feeling lonely because I can't help my mom and share all that I have learned because she doesn't know why I would know anything about this addiction. I'm fearful that nothing will change. Both B and my brother will continue to harm themselves and their loved ones by selfishly indulging in their compulsions and not seeking help. I'm overwhelmed.
Last night I was feeling all this yuck and when I was visiting with B while he had a video game on he asked me how I was doing. He didn't even look at me or turn off the game so I knew it wasn't safe to truly share with him. So I told him I didn't think I wanted to talk about. To his credit after a few moments he turned off the game and came and found me. He wasn't very excited about it, and he definitely gave the strong vibe he was asking out of obligation instead of true concern but I took his actions as a message that I could share. So I did, and I ugly cried, and I spilled my heart. He held my hand, and said he was sorry for the pain. And then while I kept talking (mind you, it had barely been 10 minutes), he fell asleep. I stopped talking, and a few minutes later he opened his eyes and said, "What was that?" CLEARLY he was not actually a safe space right now. I clammed up and made light and excused myself to bed. He chose to stay up and play more video games.
TRIGGER!!! Seriously, he can't stay awake for ten minutes of me being my most vulnerable and in need but as soon as I'm done he will stay awake to play video games. I cried myself to sleep for the second night in a row. The thing that gets me the most is just how selfish this addiction makes people. They cannot see past themselves.
On my way to work today I heart the Carrie Underwood song "Something In the Water" which I love. If you haven't listened to it, please do. It reminded me that my Savior is still there, waiting for me to ask for help. And while I'll still hurt, he can help me move to a place of peace and acceptance and eternal perspective. And he will listen, and stay awake for as long as I need to talk to Him. In this moment I just realized that He gets that feeling because his disciples fell asleep when He needed them most too. He understands.
Matthew 26: 36-44:
36 Then cometh Jesus with them unto a place called Gethsemane, and saith unto the disciples, Sit ye here, while I go and pray yonder.
38 Then saith he unto them, My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death: tarry ye here, and watch with me.
39 And he went a little further, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.
40 And he cometh unto the disciples, and findeth them asleep, and saith unto Peter, What, could ye not watch with me one hour?
41 Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.
42 He went away again the second time, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if this cup may not pass away from me, except I drink it, thy will be done.
44 And he left them, and went away again, and prayed the third time, saying the same words. The Savior can help us no matter our pain, and we are never alone unless we choose to be alone.
Monday, December 15, 2014
When the anger was taken from me while I taught Sunday School
I am a Sunday School teacher for the youth in our ward. There are about a dozen and I enjoy my calling very much.
Last Saturday, after a week of arguing with myself over whether to ask or not, I asked B about pornography. For a week I had thought that he had probably acted out simply because it was "time" in his cycle but since he had been so good for six months at coming to me within 24 hours I kept telling myself I should just trust him. Well, again I learn I should have listened to my gut. B told me he had acted out several times the previous week and had decided not to tell me.
The anger didn't boil up right away. I recently read that we too often listen to respond rather than listen to understand and I didn't want to do that. So I listened to him to understand and didn't react or respond much. By the time I was going to bed that night the anger was overcoming me. How could he LIE to me for a week? And I felt he was still hiding behind vague answers during that conversation. What am I supposed to do? I have boundaries in place, and B slept on the couch that night. What do I do if I don't know when he is looking at pornography? Don't get me wrong, we've been down that road before but I feel that I've come so far in my own recovery and I am no longer willing to accept a life of ignoring the elephant in the room. Since B doesn't want to acknowledge when the elephant walks over to the bed from the corner I'm not sure what boundaries should be in place. It is something I'll have to think and pray about.
Anyway, I woke up Sunday still pretty mad and hurt. We didn't speak much or touch at all. As I was teaching my Sunday School lesson the tears were so close to the surface. The lesson went okay, but was not anything to write home about. At the end I took about five minutes to bear my testimony of the Savior and all the sudden I just felt the spirit envelop me very strongly. As I spoke of Him, the miracle of His birth, His ministry, and His infinite atonement I was touched. And in those five minutes Heavenly Father granted me the blessing of removing the anger from my heart and filling it with peace.
When I saw B to take our son for third hour so B could teach I finally spoke to him. I put my hand on his cheek and just said "I love you" and I knew he could feel that I meant it.
It never fails to amaze me how infinite the atonement of our Savior is. When I turn to Him, He will remove the anger from my heart. He will fill me with peace, and guidance, and love. During sacrament meeting I just kept thinking that I will end up being cheated on (meaning with a real-live woman) and by third hour I just had peace that it will all work out. It might not look like I want it to, but it will all be okay if I keep my relationship with my Savior intact and nurtured.
Last Saturday, after a week of arguing with myself over whether to ask or not, I asked B about pornography. For a week I had thought that he had probably acted out simply because it was "time" in his cycle but since he had been so good for six months at coming to me within 24 hours I kept telling myself I should just trust him. Well, again I learn I should have listened to my gut. B told me he had acted out several times the previous week and had decided not to tell me.
The anger didn't boil up right away. I recently read that we too often listen to respond rather than listen to understand and I didn't want to do that. So I listened to him to understand and didn't react or respond much. By the time I was going to bed that night the anger was overcoming me. How could he LIE to me for a week? And I felt he was still hiding behind vague answers during that conversation. What am I supposed to do? I have boundaries in place, and B slept on the couch that night. What do I do if I don't know when he is looking at pornography? Don't get me wrong, we've been down that road before but I feel that I've come so far in my own recovery and I am no longer willing to accept a life of ignoring the elephant in the room. Since B doesn't want to acknowledge when the elephant walks over to the bed from the corner I'm not sure what boundaries should be in place. It is something I'll have to think and pray about.
Anyway, I woke up Sunday still pretty mad and hurt. We didn't speak much or touch at all. As I was teaching my Sunday School lesson the tears were so close to the surface. The lesson went okay, but was not anything to write home about. At the end I took about five minutes to bear my testimony of the Savior and all the sudden I just felt the spirit envelop me very strongly. As I spoke of Him, the miracle of His birth, His ministry, and His infinite atonement I was touched. And in those five minutes Heavenly Father granted me the blessing of removing the anger from my heart and filling it with peace.
When I saw B to take our son for third hour so B could teach I finally spoke to him. I put my hand on his cheek and just said "I love you" and I knew he could feel that I meant it.
It never fails to amaze me how infinite the atonement of our Savior is. When I turn to Him, He will remove the anger from my heart. He will fill me with peace, and guidance, and love. During sacrament meeting I just kept thinking that I will end up being cheated on (meaning with a real-live woman) and by third hour I just had peace that it will all work out. It might not look like I want it to, but it will all be okay if I keep my relationship with my Savior intact and nurtured.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Angry All Day
I hate today. I have not been this angry in a while. I have not cried this much in a while. I feel like we've taken a huge step backwards. I feel like he is in addict mode but feigning calmness and he keeps quoting prophets and scriptures at me to back up his claims. It doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel okay. It doesn't feel right. Am I just crazy? Am I the one under Satan's grasp today? Full of anger, hatred, and disgust? Or is this my gut telling me "perk up - he is in addict mode - detach - protect yourself!" I have no idea. It is too much to write out now. I just don't have anyone to turn to and I'm supposed to just act like it is all okay, life is normal. Fake it till you make it. I feel another round of tears coming on - I better sign off.
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