What's my next move? I have OPTIONS.

On a forum I participate in, I shared that I recently caught my husband in a lie. One friend asked me, "What is your next move?" (thank you Daisy!)

It let me come up with more specifics about what I was going to do and articulate more clearly what my actions are going to be moving forward. Much of what I listed were things relating to old boundaries, and habits that I know bring me peace. The wonderful thing about this exercise was the reminder that I HAVE OPTIONS!

We, all of us, have options. We might be powerless over the addiction and we are powerless over the actions of others but we still have lots of power. We have power over ourselves and our actions and our choices. I have options. I am not trapped. I feel trapped sometimes and my options aren't necessarily ideal, but I do have options and I can help make myself safe and whole.

Isn't it beautiful that we have power that can't be taken from us? Isn't it so wonderful that our Heavenly Father gave us agency, and that this agency can not be taken from us? As I have worked recovery, been to therapy, worked steps, learned from women wiser than myself, and relied on the Savior, I've found more confidence in myself and my ability to make good decisions. I've discovered more of the options that are always before me.

My options aren't ideal. My husband has been caught in a lie and there is fall-out to deal with, but it can be dealt with and I have tools and I have options.

I am woman. Hear me roar. :)

Silly Addict - Card Games are For Emotionally Stable People

Had a great couple of days lately. My siblings and I went to a wedding today, which was beautiful. After the toddler was in bed we all decided to play a card game (similar to phase 10). We were all laughing and having fun. B wasn't doing particularly well, in a game that is largely the luck of the draw. Oh well, it is A GAME.

He came in 3rd of 4th. He is now storming around. I asked him if he was okay. He got all pissy and ranted about how everything just reminds him of what a failure he is, yada yada yada. I reminded him it is just a game and he didn't even come in last. He's now banging around in the kitchen. (At least he's taking it out on the dishes by cleaning them!)

Welp, guess our run of a week of getting along is over! And my guess, acting out won't be too many days (or hours) behind. Who knows, maybe he is storming around because he acted out while we were all gone to the wedding.

But now for the good stuff - I didn't rescue when he went into victim mode. I didn't continue the argument either. Instead I got on my blog and decided to contemplate boundaries around playing games, and what self-care I should participate in to make sure I don't get sucked into the black hole of darkness that is currently storming around the house.

I think a good night's sleep is in order. :) And since playing games with my family makes me happy I'll probably play more tomorrow and he probably won't be invited.

Self-Care, A New Boundary, and how addicts deceive themselves

Yesterday was disclosure day. B actually did it first thing in the morning which was good (the past two weeks he tried to skip it completely). He had acted out the day before, twice, including masturbating in OUR bed while I was at work. He's done this before. I try to not think about it. Yesterday I hit my limit on that one though. After work I spent $200 and got all new bedding, including a darling eyelet dust ruffle, shams, decorative pillow, the works, and new curtains/rods, and a new large piece of art for the bedroom, frames, etc. Then I came home and was on a mission - pulled out the power drill for the curtain rods, re-did the whole bed, hung the new art, moved some decor around, and it was fabulous! The new stuff is bright and yellow and aqua and sunny and happy. 

Then I told B that I have a new boundary. I am asking him to never view pornography or masturbate in our room, in MY ROOM, because I need my room to be a safe place free of his addiction. If he does act out in any way in our room, he will move out of our room and into the baby's room, who will move in with me. I didn't put a time limit but I made clear it would be dresser and all. My bedroom gets to be a safe place gosh darn it! He didn't put up a fight but he is clearly depressed, and mad at himself because of his acting out. I did not force myself to be supportive and encouraging when he first disclosed. I just thanked him for his honesty and went on my way. I am not taking on his negativity, I got yellow bedding instead!

As I was changing the bedding by myself I found a notebook hidden under the mattress. I don't even think he put two and two together when he saw the new bedding that I MUST have found it. I skimmed it to see if it was what I thought it was. It was a journal, with only two entries. In glancing over them I saw it was much more of the criticism he had leveled at me the other day. I didn't read more than a few sentences but he was fuming, and it was all about how I am screwing up life by applying recovery principles to other aspects of life. For a hot second I was raging. By the time my bed was all made though I was calmed, just another example of how addicts deceive themselves into believing things that aren't true. He's so incapable, or scared, of facing the truth of his life that all of his energy lately is spent focusing on me and what he deems to be my mistakes that are causing "damage" to me and to us. HA. 

Watch out mr. addict man. This woman has new happy sheets and you are not about to ruin them with your nasty addiction - and pretty soon that confidence will spill over into other rooms in our home and you'll be fresh out of places to act out without severe consequences! Addict B is so stupid and selfish. Non-addict mode B is awesome. Too bad he can't separate them, because kicking addict B out of our room will also kick the other one out. Hopefully it doesn't come to that but I'm 98.62% sure it will, just a matter of time.