One Step Back, Two Baby Steps Forward: Part III

So, for the final baby step  of the big step back and two steps forward we go to The Lion King.

We watched it with our son and we both had moments, for very different reasons. I might talk more about what I found in it in another post. B was very touched by the part where Mufasa appears in the stars and reminds Simba who he is. See the scene below.

On Sunday we were discussing our days and B indicated he is on a spiritual high and that he feels he is on the cusp of a change in perspective about his worth. I think he is so close to believing he has individual worth, because it is his birthright. It is something that contradicts nearly everything he has been taught to believe about himself so that knowledge will not come easily. The adversary will be putting up a big fight in B's journey to that part of his testimony. I hope he gets there though. His baby steps toward that knowledge is encouraging because I really feel it would change a lot. It would give him hope where he previously hasn't had any because he has such incredibly low self-esteem and such a low sense of worth.

This makes me grateful for the Young Women values. I had lessons on individual worth all through my teenage years. I might not have let it all sink in, and I have had my struggles. But I had the vocabulary, I had the lessons in the back on my mind somewhere, I have the theme to fall back on. As I have found more of my own confidence in my recovery journey I have changed for the better. I have become less willing to have things in my life that detract from the spirit. I have found my voice more. I have hopes that as B works to discover his self-worth he will have some of the same benefits.

This is a hard place. After such a huge blow up, and the feelings of being unsafe and all the emotional and verbal abuse it is hard to be in a good space. His honesty in the past few days and his efforts to keep out the spiritual and to dig deeper into himself have been baby steps in the right direction. I feel that these are not fake moments, but I also know that the spiritual high will come down. The temptations will return. The long-practiced patterns of blaming, abusing will still be the default so there is lots of work to be done.

For now, I'm glad he seems to be really trying to do the work. I have said, in no uncertain terms, that I will not be physically trapped again. I will not be fearful for my safety. If there is a next time he will be moving out, because it is just not ok at all. We slept in the same bed last night but today we both agreed that it was too soon and we will be sleeping apart for at least another week. I still feel raw. I am so hurt and betrayed. I feel weak and afraid. I feel sad and abused. I feel calm and hopeful. None of it makes sense but I have decided to just have confidence in myself and my ability to just live in the moment. If the moment is hopeful I am giving myself permission to have hope. If the moment is happy I am giving myself permission to be happy with B. If the moment is sad then I have permission to just be sad. If the moment is raw and emotional then I give myself permission to be raw, to require space, to want hugs, to want distance, to express myself or to keep it to myself to stay safe. I just am allowed to feel whatever I feel and do whatever is right for that moment, for that day.

In this moment I have hope and I have very real trauma to work through and that is okay. I am a daughter of God and with that comes power to overcome this trauma.

One Big Step Back, Two Baby Steps Forward: Part I

A lot has happened this past weekend and I want to get it all written down for my own processing and healing. I'm going to do so in three posts - the first of which will discuss the ONE BIG STEP BACK. So this post will not be a happy one, but I still feel it is an important part of the story for myself.

A few nights ago B forgot to keep the commitment he made of watching the video Helping Her Heal with me that night. He had made that commitment earlier in the day – bringing it up and coming up with the time himself.

At the end of the night he asked what was wrong and I told him that he said he was going to watch that video. His apology was “I’m sorry but this and this and this came up, as you know, and I forgot so I need you to give me understanding” To me that is not an apology – he was making excuses instead of just owning that yes, I made a mistake, and I am sorry how can I make it up to you?

We argued for about 5 minutes and then I said I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. He was in victim mode and making the entire thing about himself and blaming me so I stuck to my own boundary of not continuing such a conversation and he stormed out of the room.

We slept apart.

The next morning before I left for work I asked if he wanted to talk about anything before I left. He said “You made me feel like a failure and a scum bag so no” I responded by telling him that I did not call names, I did not yell, I did not make him feel that way. If he is feeling shame that is on him and not on me. After a couple minutes of arguing I told him I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. He kept going. I got up to walk away and he followed me for the next 10 minutes as I got ready for work. He was yelling, cursing, and blaming me for everything. It was some of the worst verbal abuse I've experienced from him. Our toddler was pushing him and trying to protect me. I did not say anything except “I don’t want to talk” and “I just want this conversation to end” He then said he was going to watch the video now and went to the computer. I told him, forcefully, that he would not watch that video with our toddler around. He got up and continued yelling at me. It was my fault that our marriage is falling apart. It was my fault that he felt like crap. It was my fault that we don't get along. I was told that I am to blame for it all, his unhappiness, our unhappiness, parts of his addiction, all of it. At one point we ended up in the bedroom while I was getting ready. I was still not talking unless I was saying that I didn't want to talk anymore.  I tried leaving as he was still verbally and emotionally abusing me and he wouldn’t let me out. He wouldn’t let me out for what seemed like a lifetime but was probably more like a minute. I only said “Please let me out” and after the minute I panicked, my breath sped up and I yelled “JUST LET ME PASS!” at which point he let me pass – berating me the entire time.

I felt very scared for my safety when he trapped me in my own room. He physically stayed in my way. He's never hit me or shoved me but in that moment I was terrified that he might, especially if I tried to force my way past him. 

Just before I left I asked if he wanted me to take little man for 5 minutes so he could cool down and he started yelling again so I just left. He told me congratulations on traumatizing our son, that it was my fault that our little boy had now witnessed such ugliness.

That day was hard. I called a friend and sobbed. I called my dad, our bishop, and sobbed. I called our therapist and sobbed. They all told me the same thing, he was not allowed to cross that line and I needed to make it clear that this would never happen again. I was grateful for their reassurance of what I knew in my heart. At work that morning a friend asked if I was okay. I broke down into wracking sobs again. I was barely holding it together all day. Scratch that I wasn't holding it together all day, only for about 1 hour spurts.

I should mention when I was a teenager my first boyfriend shoved me down the stairs once. And after we broke up he trapped me in a car for 30+ minutes while he verbally and emotionally abused me. I believe this experience with B traumatized me so much because it brought the same fear and helplessness to my heart that I experienced as that 16 year old girl. 

That day, that B treated me this way, I was ready to tell him to move out of our room for good, or possibly out of our home. All day I found myself walking with my head facing down looking at the ground. My beautiful friend who was my first call had reminded me to not let him take away who I am. I am a strong, beautiful, smart woman and he doesn't get to treat me like that and I am not what he called me and I am not responsible for the things he blamed me for. Throughout the day I reminded myself to hold my head up high and push my shoulders back and walk tall. I AM a strong woman. I CAN stand up for myself. I DO NOT deserve the treatment I received and I DO have choices.

It was a bad day.

Self-Care, A New Boundary, and how addicts deceive themselves

Yesterday was disclosure day. B actually did it first thing in the morning which was good (the past two weeks he tried to skip it completely). He had acted out the day before, twice, including masturbating in OUR bed while I was at work. He's done this before. I try to not think about it. Yesterday I hit my limit on that one though. After work I spent $200 and got all new bedding, including a darling eyelet dust ruffle, shams, decorative pillow, the works, and new curtains/rods, and a new large piece of art for the bedroom, frames, etc. Then I came home and was on a mission - pulled out the power drill for the curtain rods, re-did the whole bed, hung the new art, moved some decor around, and it was fabulous! The new stuff is bright and yellow and aqua and sunny and happy. 

Then I told B that I have a new boundary. I am asking him to never view pornography or masturbate in our room, in MY ROOM, because I need my room to be a safe place free of his addiction. If he does act out in any way in our room, he will move out of our room and into the baby's room, who will move in with me. I didn't put a time limit but I made clear it would be dresser and all. My bedroom gets to be a safe place gosh darn it! He didn't put up a fight but he is clearly depressed, and mad at himself because of his acting out. I did not force myself to be supportive and encouraging when he first disclosed. I just thanked him for his honesty and went on my way. I am not taking on his negativity, I got yellow bedding instead!

As I was changing the bedding by myself I found a notebook hidden under the mattress. I don't even think he put two and two together when he saw the new bedding that I MUST have found it. I skimmed it to see if it was what I thought it was. It was a journal, with only two entries. In glancing over them I saw it was much more of the criticism he had leveled at me the other day. I didn't read more than a few sentences but he was fuming, and it was all about how I am screwing up life by applying recovery principles to other aspects of life. For a hot second I was raging. By the time my bed was all made though I was calmed, just another example of how addicts deceive themselves into believing things that aren't true. He's so incapable, or scared, of facing the truth of his life that all of his energy lately is spent focusing on me and what he deems to be my mistakes that are causing "damage" to me and to us. HA. 

Watch out mr. addict man. This woman has new happy sheets and you are not about to ruin them with your nasty addiction - and pretty soon that confidence will spill over into other rooms in our home and you'll be fresh out of places to act out without severe consequences! Addict B is so stupid and selfish. Non-addict mode B is awesome. Too bad he can't separate them, because kicking addict B out of our room will also kick the other one out. Hopefully it doesn't come to that but I'm 98.62% sure it will, just a matter of time.