It's Like Watching A Muted TV

I need to have the guidance, comfort, and wisdom that our Savior offers us through the Holy Ghost in my life to make sense of what is happening. I've been struggling with clarity this past week. I'm hurting, I'm confused about whether it is me, or him, or us, or addiction, or Satan, or ME, or me, or him. I know that when I am nurturing my relationship with my Heavenly Father on a regular basis with heartfelt prayer and scripture study and gospel study and pondering I don't feel so confused. When I'm nurturing this relationship I can see the truth through the lies. I know if it is me, or him, or something in between. I have confidence in my gut when I'm close to the spirit. Lately I haven't been able to do any of this and today a thought struck me - it is like watching TV on mute.

If the TV is on mute I can get a basic understanding of what is happening. I know Mr. X is talking to Ms. B and they are at work. However, it is just a cursory understanding of the actions that are appearing. I don't understand why any of the actions are happening. I don't understand the meaning behind that look, or those tears, or that laughter. I don't see the plot line unfolding and have an idea of what might happen next. I need to hear what is happening in order for that greater understanding.

I feel like I'm watching TV on mute only the TV is my life and it is on mute because I see the actions happening but I just don't get it. I don't know the truth from the lies. My "gut" has apparently checked out for the holidays. I can't get a sense of what is coming. I don't know what to work on because I don't fully grasp what is wrong. The only thing that can take my life off mute is the Spirit of the Lord. He knows. He doesn't have mute on. He will help me hear and understand if I only do the work to be able to hear His still small voice.

Hold Fast to What You Already Know

In my prayers this weekend this has come to my mind, and the talk it is from. My mind was full of fuzz and confusion and I couldn't seem to sort it out. So I started with what I knew. Elder Holland taught (See his talk "Lord, I believe") that we should start with our belief. It is powerful. It is powerful just starting with stating some things you know to be true and going from there.

I know that God lives. I know that Jesus Christ lives. I know that the Holy Ghost works with God the Father and His son Jesus Christ to teach all of us here on earth, and comfort us, and help us along our journey. I know that I am a daughter of the God. He knows me, He loves me. My Savior knows the pain I feel. He knows the emptiness I feel. He knows the joys I feel. He knows how full my heart is when I see my son smile at me or wrap his tiny chubby arms around my neck. I think he gave me a son to heal my heart a little. I think he gave me a son to restore my faith in the male gender and to understand a little more that my husband is a son too. And there is a mother who once had her whole life light up when her first child, her little boy, smiled at her and wrapped his arms around her neck. He was once her whole world just like my son is mine. I know that Heavenly Father wants me to be with Him again, to gain eternal salvation, to be changed by this life for the better. So maybe, just maybe, the pain I feel has a purpose. It is my duty to seek and discover that purpose and be changed. To be better, more kind, more patient, more loving, more Christ-like.

In Honor of Thanksgiving - I'm thankful

I decided to list a few things I'm grateful for in honor of Thanksgiving week. I usually find this practice therapeutic so hopefully I won't feel quite so numb at the end. They aren't in any particular order.

• Chocolate
• Helpful people
• The Plan of Salvation
• A testimony
• People who are nurturers
• My sister
• My son
• A clean house
• Christmas decorations
• Good music
• Downton Abbey
• Living in a time when there is so much WoPA support
• Dr. Pepper
• Inspiration and Revelation
• A car that works
• Email
• The opportunity to get an M.S.
• My parents
• Flowers
• Time off from B
• The atonement
• Did I mention my son?
• B's support of my pursuit of an M.S.
• Hugs
• The atonement

Are you not going to kiss me goodnight?

This question caused a problem the other night. "Are you not going to kiss me goodnight?" It was late, we had just said our bed-time prayer together and B stood up and walked to his desk and sat down. I was going directly to bed so this indicated he was foregoing our nightly ritual of a good-night hug and kiss. I asked. And he immediately started yelling. He said he hates that question and that if I want a hug why don't I just give him one instead of accusing him of being neglectful. I see his point - he felt like I was accusing him. And if I'm honest with myself, I was.

Earlier that day we had decided to do something together. He said he just needed to send a quick email. Two hours later when he was on a conference call I realized he had no intention of following through on our plans. I had been stood up. And the worst part - not only did he not follow through he totally forgot. He made no mention of it at all. When I jokingly brought up that he had not followed through he just laughed. Sting. I felt totally rejected. I tried to brush it off but when he walked away from a good-night kiss I felt rejected all over again and asked him "Are you not going to kiss me goodnight?" His yells stunned me because it seemed  like just a big over-reaction. And then he hugged me, but a little too tight and it hurt a little. And I went to bed. The next morning (he slept on the couch) he apologized and I told him why I had asked the question that way and that I had felt rejected. He apologized. When I got home from work that day there were flowers waiting for me. I LOVE flowers. I thanked him warmly. We were mostly on good terms but the emotional connection that we usually share on good days was missing. The mood was warm, but from a distance.

I realized this morning that I think the reason I am feeling "warm from a distance" is that I haven't forgiven him the latest disclosure and a tough conversation in which he blamed me for things. I'm stuck. And it is filling me with fears. The "scenarios" are filling my head. The ones that we make up and get worked up over when it hasn't happened and most likely won't happen. Those scenarios can be the death of a good mood on the best of days for me. I don't have an answer right now. I know that I have some healing to do. I know I have stuff to work through.

Last week was tough - I wrote about being all triggered by the stupid media. What I didn't write was that at the same time a beloved family member was in the last days of his battle with cancer and because of the recent disclosure I couldn't turn to B. Then the triggers. Then my dear family member died. Then I realized I couldn't attend the funeral but B would be able to go. I just haven't recovered from last week yet so I'm fragile, and fearful, and low, and I'm just doing everything I can to numb.

What can I do to heal? I will commit to doing step-work today and reading my scriptures. I will commit to reading my scriptures tomorrow and doing one thing from my self-care list. Then I'll revisit and maybe have more clarity.

Satan's tricks don't end when you have an epiphany

I posted yesterday morning about how Satan is so tricky and knows just what buttons to push for me personally. Now, I know I make my own choices so I'm not casting blame, I'm just saying he knows the ways in which I am particularly vulnerable. I had this epiphany that gave me clarity on some things B had said when in "addict mode." I thought, "Whew, made it past that difficulty, now things will be good for a while." Yeah, NO. See, there are more buttons for Satan to push.

Yesterday the whole Kim Kardashian naked pictures in the magazine news was everywhere I turned. I did not see the actual photos but blurred pictures were all over the internet and I saw them without trying. It made me frustrated at the state of society and the whole-hearted acceptance of sexual objectification in main-stream media and society and life. I vented, I processed, I got past it.

This morning I logged onto facebook. The first item on my newsfeed wass a large picture from an artist that I follow of an ass. It is a colored drawing in which the butt takes up about 60% of the space. The artist was celebrating 170k likes on his "Desktop" drawing. I'm sorry dear artist but the likes weren't for the merit of your artistic ability, they were from people who like to see asses on their desktop. Not the same thing. See, here's the thing. In the spirit of honesty I will share way too much information. B is an butt guy. There are many experiences I could share that would explain why seeing a huge butt on my facebook feed sent me into a tizzy but we'll leave it at that. Butts are super triggery for me.

I started a post that was a commentary on the state of society's acceptance of sexually explicit material. But for now my heart wasn't in that. Maybe my heart is too busy being hurt right now to think about society as a whole. I'm selfishly just thinking of myself and my pain. That is selfish. There are women who have is worse than me. There are other trials in this world that are worse than the one I'm experiencing. There are lots of things in my life to be grateful for. For the rest of the day I'll focus on those.

For the rest of the day I will try to do as we were instructed by President Gordon B. Hinckley -

“Don’t be gloomy. Do not dwell on unkind things. Stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight. Even if you are not happy, put a smile on your face. ‘Accentuate the positive.’ Look a little deeper for the good. Go forward in life with a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your face, with great and strong purpose in your heart. Love life.”

Processing Negative Emotions - Satan is tricky tricky

A few days ago I was at work, and I was being super productive. At some point during the day I knew, in my gut, that something was up. I went home after work and while I was preparing dinner I asked B about it. He told me he'd acted out that day. (One Point GUT) I numbed with busy for a few hours because I didn't want to feel the hurt, the crazy, the anger. Later B calmly remind me of our commitment to be kind and patient and can I just do that for him because it is so much harder for him to be happy and not feel judged and worthless if I am not being kind and patient.

Now, my definition of kind and patient in this scenario varies WIDELY from his. I believe he was referring to wanting me to be "normal" and while he would respect my boundary of sleeping apart for a while he wanted everything to proceed as normal, no emotional distance, or sadness, or visible signs of the negative emotions I would be experiencing. He didn't say these things but based on our history that is what I believe he meant. This threw me for a bit and when I brought the topic up the next day it did NOT go well.

There are some things this has helped me realize (again). When my husband checks out and my addict husband checks in all logic and truth goes out the window. It isn't done maliciously I believe, but he truly is in Satan's grasp and Satan is trying to keep him there and bring me down to join him. The co-dependency comes out (thus his needing ME to be a certain way in order to be happy), the blame comes out, the defiance comes out, and the irrational, false, logic is in full display. And Satan is smart. He knows that I would have no problem dismissing things like name calling and yelling as addict behavior and wrong. He knows that I no longer buy into the lie that I'm not good enough physically for my husband to be sober. He also knows that I am trying to walk the fine line of being true to myself, to the gospel, and be Christ-like and show compassion. And that line is pretty blurry for me sometimes. So in hind-sight it is no surprise that B tried to convince me that the Christ-like behaviors of kindness and patience looked differently that I thought and I needed to work on those. Sneaky sneaky Satan. I grappled with it for a couple days - What is kindness in this case? What constitutes patience? (Still a little blurry, but not as blurry as two days ago)

Now, Satan's attack wasn't just one punch, he had a left-right hook going on because the thing that triggers fear in me more than anything else is any mention of secret keeping. Nearly every time B discloses he talks about how telling me things just hurts me so he really is thinking he shouldn't tell me this or that or it is so unnecessary for me to ask. I'll insist on transparency and he suddenly goes from "rescuer" of my hurt feelings to "victim" of my demand (Hello drama triangle, my old companion). This time was no exception. That is when the numb stopped working, the tears got close to the surface and I felt myself shutting the conversation down because addict husband is not a safe person to be vulnerable with.

Then came the negative emotions. They stayed all of Tuesday. In fact Tuesday was pretty darn awful because I got some bad news about a  loved one's health and I couldn't turn to B because of all the negative emotions. It brought me back to my worst, most traumatic D-day where I was really really needing B and just got home and called him for support I opened our laptop and saw dozens of windows of pornography open. He had betrayed me when I needed him most. And Tuesday felt much the same. I knew from my step-work and experience that I was experiencing negative emotions and that there was a way for me to feel whole and happy again. I knew it would pass, but it just hurt so bad. I processed. I called a friend and let her in on the very surface of my feelings. I texted another friend and just expressed my loneliness. I read my scriptures. I posted a question on a forum I participate in. By Wednesday morning I was ready to open up to B and show him my hurt so I could begin to be vulnerable with him again. It was hard, and ugly, and lots of tears.

I'm still not back to normal. I have the emotional hang-over that typically follows trying to process so much negative emotion at once. The would is gaping open but I've cleaned out the gunk of negative emotion and will now work on bandaging with healthy thoughts, gospel truths, addiction and betrayal trauma knowledge, and most importantly the atonement. Satan got to me for a couple days but he couldn't hold me. I never want to let him hold me for long. Our Savior's embrace is a much better place to be. (The song below is titled "In His Embrace" from EFY and it seems appropriate)

 

Sleeping on the Diagonal

I have a boundary - I can't remember if I've talked about it on here before. It isn't listed on my boundaries page because it is pretty fluid. I have some give depending on my level of safety. It is that if B does not come to bed within 30 minutes of me then I will sleep apart from him. Typically this means he has slept on the couch if he doesn't come to bed on time. I don't go to bed early and if I do then I extend the time-frame for that evening. It all started when I couldn't sleep because the anxiety of "what is he doing?" "when is he coming to bed?" "Should I check on him?" "What if he comes and wants to have sex?" "What if he..." and so on. See me and sleep have had a generally wonderful relationship most of my life. I value sleep. When I get in bed I say, out loud, "I LOVE BED!" about 90% of the time. So after a week of not being able to greet my old friend sleep like usual I knew I needed a change. A wonderful sister from a forum I participate in suggested a boundary like the one I ended up creating. B didn't argue too much and it has helped immensely. It affords me much peace of mind that I didn't have before.

I still go to bed before B most of the time. Most of the time he comes to bed within the given time-frame but not always. A few times he has come to bed just outside of the time frame and it started to make me nervous so I semi-consciously came up with a solution to ease my fears. I sleep on the diagonal until he comes to bed. So strange and it seems so crazy when I type it out. But when I crawl into bed without him I sleep either dead center or swing my legs across his side to fall asleep. This way I KNOW when he comes to bed because I have to physically move. What I don't  want is to sleep and then wake up in the morning with him next to me and not know when he came to bed, if he came to bed on time, if he'll be honest about it. A few weeks ago he lied about why he was up so late and that is when the diagonal sleeping really kicked into high gear.

It is my little way of ensuring my boundary is kept without relying on his honesty. Last night I fell asleep on MY SIDE and sure enough woke up this morning to B beside me with no idea when he had gotten there and the fear crept in and the "scenarios" started to sneak up on me. Thankfully I was able to push them aside quickly, but it reminded me exactly why I sleep on the diagonal and that it is really a good solution to keep me feeling safe and secure and in control of my fears.