He's sober and I'm more hurt

I can't remember how many times I've read on other WoPA's blogs that once their husbands got some sobriety and recovery their emotions seemed to be shaken loose and there was lots of trauma to work through. Could that be what is happening to me?

B is not quite 2 months sober and I would say is in recovery as well. He's working very hard and in general being the best version of himself, the one that I always knew was in there somewhere. I'm happy for him. I'm happy for us. I'm hopeful. The other day he even was telling me how hopeful HE is. Hopeful is not a word that he has used to describe his feelings much, if ever, in relation to this addiction.

I on the other hand have been struggling a lot lately. I've been feeling so, so hurt by so, so many things. There are the pregnancy triggers that I wrote about previously which are still very much there. B is not coming to bed at the same time as me and I can't sleep until he is in bed most nights. I fret and my imagination runs wild and I try to quell the fears but they are strong.

Then there is pinterest.

B is an artist. I've had a hard time in the past with us disagreeing about appropriate artwork, and how to study the human body for improving his craft vs. when he is lusting. He is open with the fact that he is trying to define his own boundaries in regards to this. A couple days ago he pinned something I thought was highly inappropriate, he apparently didn't agree since he pinned it, knowing it could be seen. On the same board there are other pins that I don't like due to overtly sexual tones. This particular board and many of these pins are particularly triggering to me because a year or so ago we fought over the content he was pinning. He promised to delete the offending pins. Over Christmas vacation I discovered he had not deleted them, he had in fact created a secret board and had moved the pins over, and continued pinning the same kind of things on the secret board. I think finding some more pins recently and seeing that some of the old ones weren't deleted has brought up all the feelings I had upon discovery of this board on vacation.

I'm feeling very hurt and sad and unloveable. I'm feeling very self conscious. Not only can I not live up to what porn-stars look like because I won't spend that kind of money on plastic surgery. I can't live up to what these hand drawn women look like because it is literally physically impossible. On top of that I won't live up to my personal best for a while because I'm pregnant and my body does not belong to me for the time being.

I believe it will take time, self-care, recovery work, and my Savior to heal my heart and I hope to just get out of my own way and let all these things work in my life.

Pregnant! Wowza - triggers!

Big new on the homefront. I'm pregnant! We are excited. I am not sick (yet). It is still pretty early, maybe 7 weeks. Last time I didn't get sick until around 8 weeks so we'll see. :) My last pregnancy was generally a good one. I was sick the entire time (except weeks 17-20) but I was so grateful to be pregnant after struggling with infertility that it really was GREAT!

There were some hurts I experienced during pregnancy and soon after baby boy was born that I thought I had worked through, but I am now thinking I had simply buried them. Since I found out a few weeks ago that I am pregnant I have really been on edge emotionally. All the emotions that I buried are flooding back.

See, I didn't start sticking up for myself and setting boundaries and demanding change until around 4 months after baby boy was born. So, the pregnancy was still in the full throws of dishonesty, vague answers, misleading, minimizing, and hiding behaviors by B. I knew he was looking at porn but I was ignoring it, and he was minimizing if I did bring it up, and I was ignoring my intuition. We were sexually active most of the pregnancy. A few times I was told that he didn't want to be physical because of how I looked. Ouch. And you know the six weeks after birth where sex is a no-no? Well, there were lots of favors asked of me to which I generally obliged. At the time I was just happy that he was finding me attractive again "because [my] waist was returning." Now, well, I feel like I was so incredibly used. I feel like I was blind and stupid for ignoring everything. I feel like I was just an object. I feel like I was only valued in accordance with my physical appearance.

When I started standing up for myself our marriage started getting worse. I'd heard that it gets better before it gets worse. Oh boy, does that ring true for us. We spent a year getting more distant, more volatile, and with me pulling more things out into the open. We started therapy a few months ago and stopped moving backwards and a month or so ago we even started moving forward.

I will say that for the last month B has been sober and very aggressively seeking recovery. Meetings, sponsors, contacts, phone calls, reading, studying, watching videos, the whole bit. He is doing pretty well and sticking to it so far and working on continuously being humble in response to my hurt. And maybe the added level of safety from him is allowing more emotions to come to the surface too.

Whatever the reason, the emotions are there and I am hurting and I am in pain and I am so so angry about all of it. It is so much easier to just keep him at arms length, keep my walls up, and not face the hurt. It is so deep. I don't know if I am ready to face it. I let one brick from my wall come down this morning and it was hard. We hugged for the first time all week.

Is it awkward?

Last night B chose to tell my mother about his addiction. This is a HUGE step for him, and he made the decision 100% on his own. We are living with my folks so having her know will certainly make trying to get to meetings easier.

Before he told her I knew he was considering it and I was looking forward to possibly having some added support but I was also very anxious because she is very much a mama-bear and I was aware that her reaction could have been one that shamed him and got really protective of me. To her credit, that was not her reaction. I wasn't part of the conversation but he said she hugged him, asked if I was aware when we got married, and was supportive.

Interestingly, my reaction is not at all what I anticipated. I was the one who has gotten really anxious now that she knows. What is she thinking? What does she think of me? How will this change things? Is she going to use it against him in an argument? Is she going to pester me with advice? Does she think I chose poorly? yada yada.

I made myself available for her to ask questions later in the evening. Of all the things to ask she said, "Is it awkward?" I wasn't sure what she meant. She meant, is it awkward when you know he's viewed porn. It really surprised me, and not in a good way really. The tone of the conversation, the question, and explanation, made clear that while she isn't necessarily pleased she also is acutely unaware of the pain this has caused me and continues to cause me, as well as how much destruction it has brought to our marriage. Yikes, I guess I was looking for validation a little from her and when I didn't get it and saw that it wasn't going to come it hurt.

I feel let down. I feel alone. I am reminded that unless you've been there most people just don't get it. I must grieve the loss of what I expected to be a support person for me because she will love me, but she won't be able to help and support me. I could be wrong but I feel that if she truly doesn't understand that this is hard for the spouse that it might be best to just let her knowing be a tool for getting to meetings rather than try to delve into my pain with her. So, this whole time I thought "if my mom just knew I'd have another person to help me" and now it looks like that is not the case. I get to grieve that loss and move on with the new reality accepted.