Recovery is hard work and healing is hard work. Hubs and I are both engaged is a battle of whether or not we are willing to work harder than the adversary to win our souls.
When I was single I had a list, like most people, of things I was looking for in a spouse. I was looking for a family man, smart, funny, spiritual, and especially a hard worker. My parents taught me that marriage is worth it but it is work. I've seen many marriages end and I wanted to do all in my power to set myself up for success. I believed if I married someone who worked hard not only at a career but at their goals, their spirituality, and their family life then he would work hard on our marriage too.
For years I thought I had misjudged and my husband wasn't willing to do the work necessary to recover and to work on our marriage. This year I've changed my mind. There is still SO MUCH MORE to do for him and me and us but he is working on it.
Nearly a year ago, maybe 11 months, we hit rock bottom in our marriage. He was convinced he hated me, that I hated him, and he couldn't be happy with me, that he was worthless, and that there wasn't hope for us. It was a tough thing to hear. I had suggested therapy a month beforehand but he hadn't said anything. Then after he spilled out how much he didn't love me or want to be married to me he said he thought we should go to therapy. I said okay and we had an appointment within a couple weeks.
I think that if I didn't have a hard worker then when the love was gone he would've left. I think if I didn't have a hard worker then he wouldn't have thrown himself into all the recovery steps he'd been working to avoid for so long. I think if I didn't have a hard worker then he wouldn't have and be continuing to take our therapy seriously, be open in therapy, and apply the advice of our therapist. If I didn't have a hard worker he wouldn't be working with his sponsor so closely on how to change his heart, not just his behavior. If I didn't have a hard worker i don't think I'd still be married. Today, even though we have so long to go, I am so grateful that he's willing to keep up the hard work. Satan isn't going to win his battle for my husband or for our marriage. That is what I believe today.
Showing posts with label learning. Show all posts
Showing posts with label learning. Show all posts
Friday, January 29, 2016
Monday, June 22, 2015
Cautiously Optimistic - Recovery Efforts
The past 5 days:
Wednesday: Morning disclosure. He acted out twice the day before. I am so tired of this cycle. I'm so tired of this addiction. I am weary. He's still sleeping on the couch from our blow up two weeks prior. Staying on the couch.
Thursday: Therapy. He was taking lots of notes... hmm... We left and he says he wished he had a recorder because there is so much he wants to remember and so much work to do. What? He does a phone SA meeting That hasn't happened in forever, I guess therapy was good for him today. He tells me about the meeting. He is volunteering information that brings up his addiction outside of our weekly check-in, things are getting weird now. He gets mad at me for interrupting him and pouts like a child with his arms folded, shoulders tight, scowl apparent. He then storms out saying "I'm going to go call my contact!" and returns 20 minutes later with a complete attitude 180 and asks to help prep dinner Thank goodness for the mystery "contact"! I can't believe he only pouted for 5 minutes before seeking help.
Friday: We are having fun together. This is strange. He brings up other recovery/addiction related stuff and thoughts. We might be in a danger zone of actually talking about this for three days in a row - who is this man, what has he done with my predictable, avoid-happy husband? He calls his psuedo sponsor again this evening. He participates in another SA phone meeting. He comes back to bed that night, and I am not anxious or angry at all.
Saturday: We work well together to arrange our Saturday schedule with work, friends, obligations, chores. First Saturday in months that he doesn't just do his own thing leaving me with the kid nearly the whole day. He calls his pseudo sponsor again. I think I like him! Am I really flirting with him? So fun! I like this whole effort thing that he is trying on for size.
Sunday: It's father's day. I wake up to him participating in another SA phone meeting. He gets the kid ready for church. Church is good. He helps make dinner. He calls his pseudo sponsor. He has time to take a nap. I go upstairs after a couple hours and catch him watching "Helping Her Heal" for the first time, and taking notes. What on earth! On FATHER'S day he has given me a great day and has done tons to work on recovery. This man, whoever he is, is pretty awesome! I hope it sticks. I go to bed before him
Monday morning: He came to bed really late after playing video games. My happy bubble has been slightly punctured. I feel a twinge of detachment and fear. I am reminded that our recoveries are separate and that he has a long way to go.
I share this because I have never seen him take so much initiative in his own recovery. Ever. He is calling his friend every day, even on good days. I am choosing to life in this moment and enjoy and have hope rather than focusing on just how much work he has to do and that I am sure I haven't had my last disclosure. This is the mad I thought I had married all those years ago. He is kind and affectionate and helpful and super fun and funny. He is actually trying. This is what trying looks like. Although my actions haven't changed at all he is more open with me, more trusting, and has found good qualities in me. If this is what recovery looks like I am ALL IN. I am in love today. Who would have thought that I'd fall more and more in love because my husband has started calling someone I've never meet every evening - even putting off enjoyable activities to participate in his calls.
Wednesday: Morning disclosure. He acted out twice the day before. I am so tired of this cycle. I'm so tired of this addiction. I am weary. He's still sleeping on the couch from our blow up two weeks prior. Staying on the couch.
Thursday: Therapy. He was taking lots of notes... hmm... We left and he says he wished he had a recorder because there is so much he wants to remember and so much work to do. What? He does a phone SA meeting That hasn't happened in forever, I guess therapy was good for him today. He tells me about the meeting. He is volunteering information that brings up his addiction outside of our weekly check-in, things are getting weird now. He gets mad at me for interrupting him and pouts like a child with his arms folded, shoulders tight, scowl apparent. He then storms out saying "I'm going to go call my contact!" and returns 20 minutes later with a complete attitude 180 and asks to help prep dinner Thank goodness for the mystery "contact"! I can't believe he only pouted for 5 minutes before seeking help.
Friday: We are having fun together. This is strange. He brings up other recovery/addiction related stuff and thoughts. We might be in a danger zone of actually talking about this for three days in a row - who is this man, what has he done with my predictable, avoid-happy husband? He calls his psuedo sponsor again this evening. He participates in another SA phone meeting. He comes back to bed that night, and I am not anxious or angry at all.
Saturday: We work well together to arrange our Saturday schedule with work, friends, obligations, chores. First Saturday in months that he doesn't just do his own thing leaving me with the kid nearly the whole day. He calls his pseudo sponsor again. I think I like him! Am I really flirting with him? So fun! I like this whole effort thing that he is trying on for size.
Sunday: It's father's day. I wake up to him participating in another SA phone meeting. He gets the kid ready for church. Church is good. He helps make dinner. He calls his pseudo sponsor. He has time to take a nap. I go upstairs after a couple hours and catch him watching "Helping Her Heal" for the first time, and taking notes. What on earth! On FATHER'S day he has given me a great day and has done tons to work on recovery. This man, whoever he is, is pretty awesome! I hope it sticks. I go to bed before him
Monday morning: He came to bed really late after playing video games. My happy bubble has been slightly punctured. I feel a twinge of detachment and fear. I am reminded that our recoveries are separate and that he has a long way to go.
I share this because I have never seen him take so much initiative in his own recovery. Ever. He is calling his friend every day, even on good days. I am choosing to life in this moment and enjoy and have hope rather than focusing on just how much work he has to do and that I am sure I haven't had my last disclosure. This is the mad I thought I had married all those years ago. He is kind and affectionate and helpful and super fun and funny. He is actually trying. This is what trying looks like. Although my actions haven't changed at all he is more open with me, more trusting, and has found good qualities in me. If this is what recovery looks like I am ALL IN. I am in love today. Who would have thought that I'd fall more and more in love because my husband has started calling someone I've never meet every evening - even putting off enjoyable activities to participate in his calls.
Monday, May 11, 2015
Why I love the song "Girl Crush"
Ode to a country song full of trigger potential for WoPA's. The song, "Girl Crush" by Little Big Town (video below). I know many women find this song revolting. That is absolutely understandable. I however, LOVE this song so much. So listen at your own risk. The great thing about music, to me, is it has the power to put words to things I feel, or have felt, in a way I am unable to accomplish. The instruments used, the melody, the harmonies, the lyrics, the arrangement all make an emotion that is more than just words. To me, this song, hits on something I have felt in the past many times. It sounds like I felt, it feels like I felt, it reminds me of those emotions.
This song, for me, is about being jealous of another woman because she has the heart or attention of the man I want. When I was in high school I felt this way about a few girls. I wanted their hair, their waist, their legs, their eyes. Really, I wanted the attention they were receiving but in my young mind they were the same thing. If he is showing her attention and I want his attention then I must be like her to get his attention. My self-esteem was very low in regards to my physique, and my worth as a love interest.
In college I felt this way about my roommate. I wanted her blue eyes, blonde hair, petite frame. I thought I might even need to have her dissatisfied, negative attitude because all the guys were falling over themselves (and me, as the roommate)to get to her. They befriended me as a way to spend time with her and get information about what she liked and didn't like. When it didn't work out they would complain about her personality, attitude, selfishness, and general grumpiness to me but they still were kind of hooked because she was so darn beautiful. At least that helped me not focus on changing who I was on the inside. However, I still wanted her body. I hated mine.
I dreamed of the day when I would find the wonderful man who would love me for who I was, for what I looked like, and would find me irresistible the way all these other guys found the other girls in my life irresistible. Then it happened. I met B. He liked my roommate too (different roommate), but he went after ME! (okay, it took a little time, but he did). He couldn't get enough of my kisses. He told me I was beautiful. He was attracted to me, inside and out (was my understanding at the time). We struggled to stay chaste, which to me meant I was irresistible to him. We fell in love, we got engaged, he told me he struggled with porn and was working on it, I patted myself on the back for being understanding and non-judgemental, and we were married.
Over the next few months or year I learned a whole heck of a lot more about what pornography addiction is and all that it entails. And those old feelings returned. It wasn't a jealousy of a particular woman but all women. It was a knowledge that I needed to have a different body in order to have the full attention of the man I wanted so badly. I was jealous of all the porn stars. I was jealous of all the women I saw everywhere because my husband probably lusted after them. I was jealous of celebrities because I was sure he lusted after them. I was jealous of the friends I knew he lusted after. All of his lustiness was confirmed by his comments here and there about their butts, or boobs, or whatever. Those feelings took years to shake. Every once in a while they return, but they don’t stay for too long anymore. I've gained too much knowledge about my worth and what beauty really is to let them have so much control of me.
This song, though, takes me back to all those times. Not really in a sad way. I just remember the way I felt and I want to hug that girl. I want to tell her that she doesn't have to change. I want to tell her that someday she will understand that beauty isn't what those men are after. I would tell that young wife, whose heart was crushed into a million pieces when her husband told her he isn't attracted to her and if she would just lose weight that he wouldn't need to look at porn, that her husband is wrong and he doesn't even know it. I would tell her that someday she'll be part of a community of women who are the most beautiful women she's ever known and they span ages 20 to 70, and are all shapes and sizes and hair colors, and they are called WoPAs, and they will teach her about her true beauty and worth. I would hold her, and let her cry on my shoulder so she wouldn't have to cry alone on the shower floor. I would take this song back in time so she had a song to express her feelings better than she could. And then I would remind her that she knows, deep down, that even though she feels this way now, it isn't the truth - the belief that she needs to be like the blonde roommate, or the hot runner her husband likes, or the porn stars - it isn't the truth.
The truth that is in her heart, and was instilled in her as a child, is that she is a daughter of God, and is of infinite worth, and is beautiful. The truth is she doesn't need to fit the world's definition of beautiful because someday Heavenly Father will speak His definition of beautiful into her heart, and she will never forget it.
This song reminds me of how far I've come and how much I've learned. It helps me feel that it is okay that I didn't always know what I know now. I am at peace with my girl crushes of the past. I hope to minimize them in the future as I put my knowledge and understanding to use in my own life and heart. But when I find myself thinking of "her" and being jealous of "her" I can come back to this song and remember how this song expresses these emotions but also reminds me of how much I know that there really isn't anything to be jealous of after all.
Hearing the Drama Triangle in action
We were surrounded by beautiful forest, and sunshine, and a blue sky on our drive to therapy last week. It takes about 35 minutes to get there. Inside the car was basically a dark, black, stuffy cloud of anger, hostility, and drama.
We got into a disagreement about something minor, I can't remember what. He got testy and upset so I got quiet. I hate being trapped in a car while we are arguing. He asked if that was all that was bothering me. I said no but I didn't want to talk about it right now. (I could tell he wasn't a safe place to talk to about what was really bothering me. )
What was bothering me: He had, for the second week in a row, skipped our weekly check-in in which we talk about his addiction, any acting out that has occurred, the recovery effort's we've both made etc. On the advice of our therapist I've agreed to try to let him be the one to bring the topic up so he can "practice using his courage." The check-in didn't happen. We were on our way to therapy and I hadn't heard anything in a week, I was anxious about it. I was fearful of what I didn't know. I was angry that he, yet again, can't keep a simple commitment of once a week check-ins. It seems to me that keeping simple commitments would be a good way for him to show me he is trust-worthy. But, he was on edge and testy and irritable in the car so now was certainly not the time to express my anxiety and fears.
Enter drama triangle tactics from B.
I succumbed and told him what was bothering me. Just as you might expect, it didn't go well. Within five minutes we were screaming at each other. He was pointing and cursing and there was no logic to be found. He would accuse and I would try to re-explain (loudly, and with lots of tears) and it would fall on deaf ears so I would try again (even more loudly, with more tears, and probably some cursing of my own) as he was cursing and yelling. After another couple minutes I stopped talking. I told him I was done talking until we got to therapy and I sat there and sobbed to myself as he continued to berate me.
What was interesting though is once I finally shut up I could hear just how illogical everything he was saying really was. I could hear SO CLEARLY the drama triangle at work. He tried for the first five minutes to pull me back in by persecuting me. When that didn't work he switched to being the victim trying to draw me out into the rescuer role. That is when I really wanted to give in. I wanted to contradict his "I'm so useless. I'm such a failure. Clearly you don't even love me at all since you aren't disagreeing..." etc. I felt myself REALLY wanting to go in and "rescue" but I kept my mouth shut. Eventually he ran out of steam since I wasn't talking, or looking at him, or moving, and we just rode in silence.
It taught me somethings, or rather, reminded me of some things.
1) Always trust yourself. When he doesn't feel safe to open up to, DON'T OPEN UP. If I'd have kept to that prompting it would have been a much easier car ride.
2) When B is in addict mode, he isn't behaving logically, and his arguments are not logical, and it is illogical to try and talk reasonably with him. It is only harming myself to try and reason with him in that state.
3) It takes two to make an argument. I can just stop. I doesn't mean he is right. It doesn't mean I am wrong. It doesn't mean I am weak. It doesn't mean I'm giving up. It means I am taking a break from the conversation because one or both of us are not in the right mind-set to have a productive conversation about this topic.
4) Listening can teach us so much more than talking.
I hate addiction. I hate this addiction. I hate pornography and masturbation. I still love B. I hope that my love for him can last longer than it takes him to get into recovery. I hope that my desire to stay lasts longer than it takes for him to get sober and get serious about making changes. I know I won't just go back to ignoring everything for years like he wants me to do. I don't know what will last longer, the addiction or our marriage.
Thursday, March 19, 2015
My opportunity to surrender shameful feelings
I want to share an opportunity I had to surrender feelings of shame.
I am in graduate school. I recently failed an mid-term. I had tried my darndest, studied for over 20 hours, done everything I knew how. I still failed. It presented me with two options 1) Withdraw or 2)Stay in the class.
I was really struggling with what to do. I wrote a pro and con list for withdrawing.
Pros:
1) I don't risk getting a C or D on my transcript, which would lead to academic probation, and a more stressful next semester
2) More time is freed up to focus on my other classes, family, research, and other obligations
3) Save my GPA, which will lead to improved job opportunities after school
Con:
1) Everyone will know. The friends I've made are all in this class. There are only 7 in the class. It will be ALL TO OBVIOUS that I have withdrawn and why. *Read - "Everyone will know I'm stupid*
2) I'll have to take an extra class in a year
As I looked over my list the answer seemed obvious - Withdraw! It wouldn't hurt my job, my grades, my timeline, my family. It would improve my grades in fact, and my stress level. Why was I still having such a hard time deciding? The first reason is I was taught to NEVER quit. So, being a quitter is REALLY hard to do. I felt like if I withdraw I have failed. I have failed at school, I have failed my family, I have failed myself, I am stupid. I should be able to do this. I must be stupid, and I must not belong in this program if I have to withdraw from a class. SO MUCH SHAME.
After a day I named the shame. I recognized it as shame, which I know is not healthy. I did a stupid thing maybe, but I am not a stupid person. Yes, everyone would know, but if I am focused on my goal of getting this degree to improve my family's situation in the long run then I need to definitely save my GPA, my sanity, and my energies by withdrawing. Shame, and the fear of everyone knowing my shame, is a very powerful motivator.
Elder Uchtdorf's talk about keeping it simple popped in to my head. I surrendered my shame. I told one good friend of my decision, of my grade on the test, and that I just don't have any more to give to this class and it will require a lot more so I need to withdraw. He was totally supportive. As was B and my family.
There is so much power in making decisions despite fear and shame instead of because of fear and shame. Fear and Shame aren't the boss of me!
I am in graduate school. I recently failed an mid-term. I had tried my darndest, studied for over 20 hours, done everything I knew how. I still failed. It presented me with two options 1) Withdraw or 2)Stay in the class.
I was really struggling with what to do. I wrote a pro and con list for withdrawing.
Pros:
1) I don't risk getting a C or D on my transcript, which would lead to academic probation, and a more stressful next semester
2) More time is freed up to focus on my other classes, family, research, and other obligations
3) Save my GPA, which will lead to improved job opportunities after school
Con:
1) Everyone will know. The friends I've made are all in this class. There are only 7 in the class. It will be ALL TO OBVIOUS that I have withdrawn and why. *Read - "Everyone will know I'm stupid*
2) I'll have to take an extra class in a year
As I looked over my list the answer seemed obvious - Withdraw! It wouldn't hurt my job, my grades, my timeline, my family. It would improve my grades in fact, and my stress level. Why was I still having such a hard time deciding? The first reason is I was taught to NEVER quit. So, being a quitter is REALLY hard to do. I felt like if I withdraw I have failed. I have failed at school, I have failed my family, I have failed myself, I am stupid. I should be able to do this. I must be stupid, and I must not belong in this program if I have to withdraw from a class. SO MUCH SHAME.
After a day I named the shame. I recognized it as shame, which I know is not healthy. I did a stupid thing maybe, but I am not a stupid person. Yes, everyone would know, but if I am focused on my goal of getting this degree to improve my family's situation in the long run then I need to definitely save my GPA, my sanity, and my energies by withdrawing. Shame, and the fear of everyone knowing my shame, is a very powerful motivator.
Elder Uchtdorf's talk about keeping it simple popped in to my head. I surrendered my shame. I told one good friend of my decision, of my grade on the test, and that I just don't have any more to give to this class and it will require a lot more so I need to withdraw. He was totally supportive. As was B and my family.
There is so much power in making decisions despite fear and shame instead of because of fear and shame. Fear and Shame aren't the boss of me!
Friday, February 13, 2015
Obedience, Hope, and Faith all in one verse!
I was reading in the Book of Mormon this morning, Alma Chapter 25 and verse 16 really spoke to me. It reads:
"Now they did not suppose that salvation came by the law of Moses; but the law of Moses did serve to strengthen their faith in Christ; and thus they did retain a hope through faith, unto eternal salvation, relaying upon the spirit of prophecy, which spake of those things to come."
This chapter is talking about the Anti-Nephi-Lehis (who were previously known as Lamanites) who have been converted to the gospel by the sons of Mosiah (you know, those trouble makers who were with Alma the Younger when he saw an angel). The Anti-Nephi-Lehis have been attacked by the Lamanites, but did not fight back because of their promise to God. Many were killed but even more were converted and joined the Anit-Nephi-Lehis. The people are industrious and striving to cling to the gospel.
I think I sometimes fall into the trap of the pharisee where I believe the salvation comes by obedience. If we follow the law, we are saved. While this can be true, it is not the whole picture and I love how this scripture expounds on it to give us a more full idea of the reason for obedience. The Anti-Nephi-Lehis were pretty wise. They followed the Law of Moses but they knew that salvation did not come by obedience alone. The purpose of the laws was to "strengthen their faith in Christ" and through their increased faith they were blessed with HOPE of eternal salvation. Faith in Christ is the important factor, it is strengthened by obedience and it leads to hope!
I want HOPE. A heart full of hope is so much better than a heart full of heartache, pain, anger, sadness, and loneliness. This scripture outlines how to have hope - be obedient and your faith will be strengthened and you'll have hope. I know the pain and heartache and trial will still come, as they did for these people who had over 1,000 of their members die at the hand of who used to be their bretheren. But they were able to retain hope.
I'm not saying this is the only way to strengthen our faith, but it surely is one of the ways and a very good way. I'm so grateful for personal revelation. I am comforted by the fact that I can seek out my own relationship with God. I don't have to go through anyone but my Savior. My relationship with Heavenly Father and my Savior is only dependent on my own choices, my willingness to obey and to open my heart and mind. We have so much power to change ourselves. Our Savior already paid the price of our eternal salvation. We have the potential to become like our Heavenly Father - truly like him! And the ONLY person that can prevent that is US. Each of us is in charge of our own destiny, truly. We have the power, we just have to decide how to use that power.
"Now they did not suppose that salvation came by the law of Moses; but the law of Moses did serve to strengthen their faith in Christ; and thus they did retain a hope through faith, unto eternal salvation, relaying upon the spirit of prophecy, which spake of those things to come."
I think I sometimes fall into the trap of the pharisee where I believe the salvation comes by obedience. If we follow the law, we are saved. While this can be true, it is not the whole picture and I love how this scripture expounds on it to give us a more full idea of the reason for obedience. The Anti-Nephi-Lehis were pretty wise. They followed the Law of Moses but they knew that salvation did not come by obedience alone. The purpose of the laws was to "strengthen their faith in Christ" and through their increased faith they were blessed with HOPE of eternal salvation. Faith in Christ is the important factor, it is strengthened by obedience and it leads to hope!
I want HOPE. A heart full of hope is so much better than a heart full of heartache, pain, anger, sadness, and loneliness. This scripture outlines how to have hope - be obedient and your faith will be strengthened and you'll have hope. I know the pain and heartache and trial will still come, as they did for these people who had over 1,000 of their members die at the hand of who used to be their bretheren. But they were able to retain hope.
I'm not saying this is the only way to strengthen our faith, but it surely is one of the ways and a very good way. I'm so grateful for personal revelation. I am comforted by the fact that I can seek out my own relationship with God. I don't have to go through anyone but my Savior. My relationship with Heavenly Father and my Savior is only dependent on my own choices, my willingness to obey and to open my heart and mind. We have so much power to change ourselves. Our Savior already paid the price of our eternal salvation. We have the potential to become like our Heavenly Father - truly like him! And the ONLY person that can prevent that is US. Each of us is in charge of our own destiny, truly. We have the power, we just have to decide how to use that power.
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Love While You Wait
Today in Sacrament meeting something one of the speakers said really touched me. She was speaking about patience and forgiveness as necessary for charity to grow.
"Patience is having love while you wait for others to grow."
My heart is so full today. I have had so many mixed feelings this week about the role of patience, love, charity, and the like in a marriage to an addict. I know about enabling, boundaries, safety, addiction, lies. I believe all those things I've learned. I also know about patience, and unconditional love, and charity, and I believe in those virtues as well. I feel it is a hard balance to strike to be patient, loving, kind, and have boundaries, and not enable, and keep yourself safe from an addict. At times the principles seem positively contradictory. I don't have all the answers. I don't even have the answers for myself.
But today I have my answer for this moment. Heavenly Father impressed upon me today that patience is having love while you wait for others to grow. For this moment, I need to work on my patience. I need to see the good. I need to focus on what IS going well rather than what isn't. I need to let God take care of B and be still. B might still destroy himself, and our family with it. But for today, for this moment, just staying and loving is what I need to work on doing.
It is hard to wait for others to grow. It is hard to be on the cutting edge of others mistakes. We have all been there, for lots of different reasons. Usually we can just minimize our exposure to those who are hurting us by not going out of our way to see them. In marriage it is more difficult because we LIVE together and are trying to have a marriage after all. Am I waiting patiently for B to grow? Am I relying on my Savior and trusting in His plan for me? Am I trusting in His plan for my son, that may or may not include married parents? Am I trusting in His plan for B? How am I showing that trust? Am I growing and learning? I am not except from the need for growth, so am I doing it? Am I evaluating myself, and asking the Lord to show me my weaknesses so that I get down to the hard work of improving myself?
I feel a bit like I am rambling. Here is my point - Christ lives. The Savior of the world lives, and loves each of us and is aware of each of us. He is aware of me and my heartache. He is aware of B and B's struggles. Today, he reminded me that He is aware of me by impressing upon my mind something that matters, something that I can apply, and something that is pertinent to my life. For me, for right now, I will work on loving B while I wait for him to grow.
"Patience is having love while you wait for others to grow."
My heart is so full today. I have had so many mixed feelings this week about the role of patience, love, charity, and the like in a marriage to an addict. I know about enabling, boundaries, safety, addiction, lies. I believe all those things I've learned. I also know about patience, and unconditional love, and charity, and I believe in those virtues as well. I feel it is a hard balance to strike to be patient, loving, kind, and have boundaries, and not enable, and keep yourself safe from an addict. At times the principles seem positively contradictory. I don't have all the answers. I don't even have the answers for myself.
But today I have my answer for this moment. Heavenly Father impressed upon me today that patience is having love while you wait for others to grow. For this moment, I need to work on my patience. I need to see the good. I need to focus on what IS going well rather than what isn't. I need to let God take care of B and be still. B might still destroy himself, and our family with it. But for today, for this moment, just staying and loving is what I need to work on doing.
It is hard to wait for others to grow. It is hard to be on the cutting edge of others mistakes. We have all been there, for lots of different reasons. Usually we can just minimize our exposure to those who are hurting us by not going out of our way to see them. In marriage it is more difficult because we LIVE together and are trying to have a marriage after all. Am I waiting patiently for B to grow? Am I relying on my Savior and trusting in His plan for me? Am I trusting in His plan for my son, that may or may not include married parents? Am I trusting in His plan for B? How am I showing that trust? Am I growing and learning? I am not except from the need for growth, so am I doing it? Am I evaluating myself, and asking the Lord to show me my weaknesses so that I get down to the hard work of improving myself?
I feel a bit like I am rambling. Here is my point - Christ lives. The Savior of the world lives, and loves each of us and is aware of each of us. He is aware of me and my heartache. He is aware of B and B's struggles. Today, he reminded me that He is aware of me by impressing upon my mind something that matters, something that I can apply, and something that is pertinent to my life. For me, for right now, I will work on loving B while I wait for him to grow.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
When I Finally Realized I'm Grateful for My Pancake Bottom
Warning, I'm talking about one particular thing that is prevelant in B's addiction so this might get triggery for some people.
A little background, my entire family (parents and all my siblings) have great bottoms. They are nice and round and perky. I have a pancake butt. All my pants are saggy where my butt is supposed to be. Underwear is baggy too, so uncomfortable. I've always been jealous of my family for this reason. This jealousy only increased when I found out that B is a butt guy. I knew this before I knew about pornography addiction just from those silly conversations you have when you're dating and engaged. I thought, I'm so glad he loves me even though I don't have what he likes! BARF, I know.
Over the years every single time I've found evidence there has been a focus on large butts. This partly why the whole Kim Kardashian nekked pictures were so triggering for me. And anything with J. Lo. And the fact that B has a celebrity crush on Beyonce. Also, my sister in tight pants with B around has also caused panic even though I hate myself for admitting it because she is the sweetest, kindest, most joyful and caring person I know.
Today the spirit whispered a sweet something to me through an impression. Maybe it is a blessing that I am not blessed in that way. I don't have to face the trigger of my OWN bottom and his feelings about it near as much as I would if mine looked like the pictures and videos I've found. Sure, addicts will take what they can get and I know I've been objectified by B but I just also am so happy to also know that I don't have his biggest trigger. It is a weird feeling of having finally noticed a tiny piece of divine protection that I was blessed with.
This might sound crazy but oh well. Today I learned to love my pancake butt!
I'm Allergic
So, my body is freaking out. I won't go down the laundry list of things going wrong in the past couple weeks. They are all pretty minor but just coming is such quick succession is annoying. The latest one: This morning I woke up with a crazy rash all over my body. I headed to school and it only got worse. I started panicking; I hate not knowing what is going on with my body! I realized the one thing I'd done differently was use a new loofah last night. I thought I was having an allergic reaction! In 27 years I've NEVER had an allergic reaction but here it is, an itchy, red, bumpy rash all over all of the sudden. I skipped my work after class and came home to take a benadryl and a nap fully expecting it to be gone when I woke up. No such luck, it is getting worse and now I have a low grade fever. I had to skip the volunteer activity I had planned for tonight. Now I've consulted a nurse friend and taken another benadryl with a plan to call the doctor in the morning if it hasn't gone away.
The reason I share this story is I kind of see an analogy of the trauma brought on by our loved ones addictions. I can be going along fine, working hard in my life, finding peace, and then BOOM all of the sudden I don't recognize where I am and have no idea how I got there. Stupid trickle disclosures, or D-day, or just addict mode, or a trashy ad on the TV, or any other kind of trigger. All of the sudden I'm not feeling peace, I'm not exactly sure what to do but I know I can't just ignore the new symptoms.
So, I think about recent events. I look inward. I find a reason for the sudden change. Hooray! If I have a reason then I can name whatever is happening and take steps necessary to remedy it right? I can reach out to my WoPA friends, pray, ponder the gospel, meditate, work on steps. So I get to work. Sure, it takes putting other things on the backburner (like me skipping work and study group today) but it must be done so thems the brakes. (I'm saying this casually, but I actually get quite irked by having to interrupt the things that need to be done to work on healing from something that shouldn't be happening in the first place). I get to work, but after a few scriptures and prays I'm not better. What?! Why do I still feel this way? Why is it getting worse?!
There is still more healing and investigating to be done. And that is how I feel about recovery. I work hard, I find peace, and I get triggered or panicked or new information thrown at me and I have to dig deeper, do more work, more self-assessment, maybe even go to a doctor. But, I do believe there is an answer. There is a healing balm to be had and someday I will be healed and I will be stronger for the experience.
**Post-Note: It turns out I was having a bad reaction to an antibiotic. I'm now have taken a steroid shot, started an oral steroid, and applied a steroid cream. The power of the atonement is even stronger than multiple steroids at combating out trauma and I'm ever grateful for that!
The reason I share this story is I kind of see an analogy of the trauma brought on by our loved ones addictions. I can be going along fine, working hard in my life, finding peace, and then BOOM all of the sudden I don't recognize where I am and have no idea how I got there. Stupid trickle disclosures, or D-day, or just addict mode, or a trashy ad on the TV, or any other kind of trigger. All of the sudden I'm not feeling peace, I'm not exactly sure what to do but I know I can't just ignore the new symptoms.
So, I think about recent events. I look inward. I find a reason for the sudden change. Hooray! If I have a reason then I can name whatever is happening and take steps necessary to remedy it right? I can reach out to my WoPA friends, pray, ponder the gospel, meditate, work on steps. So I get to work. Sure, it takes putting other things on the backburner (like me skipping work and study group today) but it must be done so thems the brakes. (I'm saying this casually, but I actually get quite irked by having to interrupt the things that need to be done to work on healing from something that shouldn't be happening in the first place). I get to work, but after a few scriptures and prays I'm not better. What?! Why do I still feel this way? Why is it getting worse?!
There is still more healing and investigating to be done. And that is how I feel about recovery. I work hard, I find peace, and I get triggered or panicked or new information thrown at me and I have to dig deeper, do more work, more self-assessment, maybe even go to a doctor. But, I do believe there is an answer. There is a healing balm to be had and someday I will be healed and I will be stronger for the experience.
**Post-Note: It turns out I was having a bad reaction to an antibiotic. I'm now have taken a steroid shot, started an oral steroid, and applied a steroid cream. The power of the atonement is even stronger than multiple steroids at combating out trauma and I'm ever grateful for that!
Monday, January 19, 2015
And then there were two - addicts in the house
We are living with my parents while I am in graduate school. My teenage brother is still at home too. Last Thursday B acted out - and I crashed and burned in response because I didn't stay in a safe place long enough (see my last post). Then on Saturday morning I discovered that my brother most likely has the same addiction. My toddler got on his phone internet (thankfully NOT anything inappropriate) but I just felt like clicking over to the history so I did. For the last month 95% of the sites visited were pornography and there were dozens and dozens of sites.
I can see now that I immediately numbed. I went into busy mode of tasks: 1) search for help for parents, 2) tell my parents, separately because my dad knows about B and my mom doesn't so it would be a different kind of conversation, 3) send resources to parents 4) comfort my mother 5) work in the afternoon. I stayed calm throughout the day and even into Sunday morning. B was still distant and unsupportive and involved in his own thoughts. I got home from church and felt my numbness starting to crumble even though I really did NOT want it to crumble. I found myself super curious about when my parents would talk to my brother and what they would say and what he would say and I wanted to tell him I loved him but I also wanted to through his phone across the room and then take a hammer to it. I wanted to hug him and support him and I wanted to kick his shins, and yell, and call out every single lie my parents were going to buy. I was sure he would lie because that is what addicts do and that is what he has been known to do. I was sure my parents were going to believe them because while they aren't stupid they also aren't versed in addiction. I wanted to scream and cry and break things so badly but I just sat, I had dinner, visited, cleaned. I played with my son.
At one point I knew my parents had talked to my brother but when they were done he seemed happy. He was chipper and energetic and just talking about his plans for the evening and making jokes. This was certainly not the behavior of someone who had just fully confessed his deepest darkest secrets to his parents. This was not the behavior of someone preparing to make huge adjustments in his life. This was not the behavior of someone who had faced the truth of his problem. This was the behavior of my brother, making light of things, and business has usual. I cautiously asked my parents how it went and only got a "good" and "he said what I expected." I know they are now keeping it between them and my brother. That is fine. Just because I discovered it doesn't mean I need to be involved in anything else. If I am honest with myself it is BETTER that I'm not involved with anything else. In the moment when it became clear I was being cut off from any information the last of my numbness crumbled.
I am hurt. I am hurt by my husband's actions. I'm hurt more by his inability to empathize, or think of me, or support me, or even spend a few minutes helping me. I'm feeling lonely and surrounded by filth knowing that two of the three men in my house are regularly viewing smut. I'm feeling lonely because I can't help my mom and share all that I have learned because she doesn't know why I would know anything about this addiction. I'm fearful that nothing will change. Both B and my brother will continue to harm themselves and their loved ones by selfishly indulging in their compulsions and not seeking help. I'm overwhelmed.
Last night I was feeling all this yuck and when I was visiting with B while he had a video game on he asked me how I was doing. He didn't even look at me or turn off the game so I knew it wasn't safe to truly share with him. So I told him I didn't think I wanted to talk about. To his credit after a few moments he turned off the game and came and found me. He wasn't very excited about it, and he definitely gave the strong vibe he was asking out of obligation instead of true concern but I took his actions as a message that I could share. So I did, and I ugly cried, and I spilled my heart. He held my hand, and said he was sorry for the pain. And then while I kept talking (mind you, it had barely been 10 minutes), he fell asleep. I stopped talking, and a few minutes later he opened his eyes and said, "What was that?" CLEARLY he was not actually a safe space right now. I clammed up and made light and excused myself to bed. He chose to stay up and play more video games.
TRIGGER!!! Seriously, he can't stay awake for ten minutes of me being my most vulnerable and in need but as soon as I'm done he will stay awake to play video games. I cried myself to sleep for the second night in a row. The thing that gets me the most is just how selfish this addiction makes people. They cannot see past themselves.
On my way to work today I heart the Carrie Underwood song "Something In the Water" which I love. If you haven't listened to it, please do. It reminded me that my Savior is still there, waiting for me to ask for help. And while I'll still hurt, he can help me move to a place of peace and acceptance and eternal perspective. And he will listen, and stay awake for as long as I need to talk to Him. In this moment I just realized that He gets that feeling because his disciples fell asleep when He needed them most too. He understands.
Matthew 26: 36-44:
The Savior can help us no matter our pain, and we are never alone unless we choose to be alone.
I can see now that I immediately numbed. I went into busy mode of tasks: 1) search for help for parents, 2) tell my parents, separately because my dad knows about B and my mom doesn't so it would be a different kind of conversation, 3) send resources to parents 4) comfort my mother 5) work in the afternoon. I stayed calm throughout the day and even into Sunday morning. B was still distant and unsupportive and involved in his own thoughts. I got home from church and felt my numbness starting to crumble even though I really did NOT want it to crumble. I found myself super curious about when my parents would talk to my brother and what they would say and what he would say and I wanted to tell him I loved him but I also wanted to through his phone across the room and then take a hammer to it. I wanted to hug him and support him and I wanted to kick his shins, and yell, and call out every single lie my parents were going to buy. I was sure he would lie because that is what addicts do and that is what he has been known to do. I was sure my parents were going to believe them because while they aren't stupid they also aren't versed in addiction. I wanted to scream and cry and break things so badly but I just sat, I had dinner, visited, cleaned. I played with my son.
At one point I knew my parents had talked to my brother but when they were done he seemed happy. He was chipper and energetic and just talking about his plans for the evening and making jokes. This was certainly not the behavior of someone who had just fully confessed his deepest darkest secrets to his parents. This was not the behavior of someone preparing to make huge adjustments in his life. This was not the behavior of someone who had faced the truth of his problem. This was the behavior of my brother, making light of things, and business has usual. I cautiously asked my parents how it went and only got a "good" and "he said what I expected." I know they are now keeping it between them and my brother. That is fine. Just because I discovered it doesn't mean I need to be involved in anything else. If I am honest with myself it is BETTER that I'm not involved with anything else. In the moment when it became clear I was being cut off from any information the last of my numbness crumbled.
I am hurt. I am hurt by my husband's actions. I'm hurt more by his inability to empathize, or think of me, or support me, or even spend a few minutes helping me. I'm feeling lonely and surrounded by filth knowing that two of the three men in my house are regularly viewing smut. I'm feeling lonely because I can't help my mom and share all that I have learned because she doesn't know why I would know anything about this addiction. I'm fearful that nothing will change. Both B and my brother will continue to harm themselves and their loved ones by selfishly indulging in their compulsions and not seeking help. I'm overwhelmed.
Last night I was feeling all this yuck and when I was visiting with B while he had a video game on he asked me how I was doing. He didn't even look at me or turn off the game so I knew it wasn't safe to truly share with him. So I told him I didn't think I wanted to talk about. To his credit after a few moments he turned off the game and came and found me. He wasn't very excited about it, and he definitely gave the strong vibe he was asking out of obligation instead of true concern but I took his actions as a message that I could share. So I did, and I ugly cried, and I spilled my heart. He held my hand, and said he was sorry for the pain. And then while I kept talking (mind you, it had barely been 10 minutes), he fell asleep. I stopped talking, and a few minutes later he opened his eyes and said, "What was that?" CLEARLY he was not actually a safe space right now. I clammed up and made light and excused myself to bed. He chose to stay up and play more video games.
TRIGGER!!! Seriously, he can't stay awake for ten minutes of me being my most vulnerable and in need but as soon as I'm done he will stay awake to play video games. I cried myself to sleep for the second night in a row. The thing that gets me the most is just how selfish this addiction makes people. They cannot see past themselves.
On my way to work today I heart the Carrie Underwood song "Something In the Water" which I love. If you haven't listened to it, please do. It reminded me that my Savior is still there, waiting for me to ask for help. And while I'll still hurt, he can help me move to a place of peace and acceptance and eternal perspective. And he will listen, and stay awake for as long as I need to talk to Him. In this moment I just realized that He gets that feeling because his disciples fell asleep when He needed them most too. He understands.
Matthew 26: 36-44:
36 Then cometh Jesus with them unto a place called Gethsemane, and saith unto the disciples, Sit ye here, while I go and pray yonder.
38 Then saith he unto them, My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death: tarry ye here, and watch with me.
39 And he went a little further, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.
40 And he cometh unto the disciples, and findeth them asleep, and saith unto Peter, What, could ye not watch with me one hour?
41 Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.
42 He went away again the second time, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if this cup may not pass away from me, except I drink it, thy will be done.
44 And he left them, and went away again, and prayed the third time, saying the same words. The Savior can help us no matter our pain, and we are never alone unless we choose to be alone.
Monday, December 15, 2014
"So Am I"
Last night B and I had a long conversation about the state of our marriage, the recent lies, and how we are feeling. It was a tough conversation. Neither of us really know where to go from here. The basics, as I understand them, are:
1) I expect transparency
2) He does not feel transparency is healthy for me, him, or us
3) I can't force his honesty and I don't trust him to give it now
By the end of the conversation we were both pretty emotionally raw. I told him I'm scared of what rock-bottom will look like if he hasn't yet reached it. I'm scared of him choosing porn over his family and either leaving us, or making it bad enough that I choose to leave him. When we were basically done I said, "I'm worth it, you know." To which he responded, "So am I."
My knee-jerk thought was "That's not what I meant! I meant I'M WORTH FIGHTING FOR! I'm worth going through the work to OVERCOME YOUR ADDICTION!" I am. I am worth all the work it would take him to get sober and find recovery. However, he's walking a line trying to have both because he loves porn too. His response caught me off-guard because I'm not addicted. What was "it" that he was talking about?
I went to bed sobbing over the state of our relationship and pondering what he meant. The more I think about it, the more it pulls at my heart strings. He is worth fighting for too. I know this for lots of reasons but first and foremost is that the Savior already decided B was worth it. The Savior would have atoned and taken the weight of all the pain, and sin, and heartache, and suffering just for B and the Savior would have died just for B. B is worth it. B is worth the fight against the influence of the adversary when he tempts me to be angry, to be selfish, to be indignant and vengeful. I'm not saying that I believe in being an enabler, because that is not what the Savior is. But I believe that B is worth my time and energy and efforts to become more Christ-like that I might do my part to make our marriage work. B was just a boy, with a working mother, an absentee father, and late-night television commercials, who got sucked in.
I don't know why the Lord saw fit to guide me to him and to confirm my desire to marry B. I do know this trial has already made me more compassionate, more sensitive to things of the spirit, and more understanding of the sacred nature of the sexual relationship between a man and spouse. I know that my relationship with my Savior has grown more deep, and loving, and full because of this trial. If I do my part it will continue to do that. If I do my part, maybe, just maybe, I'll end up with an eternal marriage to B. Either way, if I do my part, I will gain my own eternal salvation and all that was lost will be restored and I will be able to return to my Father in Heaven and have him declare me a good a faithful servant.
1) I expect transparency
2) He does not feel transparency is healthy for me, him, or us
3) I can't force his honesty and I don't trust him to give it now
By the end of the conversation we were both pretty emotionally raw. I told him I'm scared of what rock-bottom will look like if he hasn't yet reached it. I'm scared of him choosing porn over his family and either leaving us, or making it bad enough that I choose to leave him. When we were basically done I said, "I'm worth it, you know." To which he responded, "So am I."
My knee-jerk thought was "That's not what I meant! I meant I'M WORTH FIGHTING FOR! I'm worth going through the work to OVERCOME YOUR ADDICTION!" I am. I am worth all the work it would take him to get sober and find recovery. However, he's walking a line trying to have both because he loves porn too. His response caught me off-guard because I'm not addicted. What was "it" that he was talking about?
I went to bed sobbing over the state of our relationship and pondering what he meant. The more I think about it, the more it pulls at my heart strings. He is worth fighting for too. I know this for lots of reasons but first and foremost is that the Savior already decided B was worth it. The Savior would have atoned and taken the weight of all the pain, and sin, and heartache, and suffering just for B and the Savior would have died just for B. B is worth it. B is worth the fight against the influence of the adversary when he tempts me to be angry, to be selfish, to be indignant and vengeful. I'm not saying that I believe in being an enabler, because that is not what the Savior is. But I believe that B is worth my time and energy and efforts to become more Christ-like that I might do my part to make our marriage work. B was just a boy, with a working mother, an absentee father, and late-night television commercials, who got sucked in.
I don't know why the Lord saw fit to guide me to him and to confirm my desire to marry B. I do know this trial has already made me more compassionate, more sensitive to things of the spirit, and more understanding of the sacred nature of the sexual relationship between a man and spouse. I know that my relationship with my Savior has grown more deep, and loving, and full because of this trial. If I do my part it will continue to do that. If I do my part, maybe, just maybe, I'll end up with an eternal marriage to B. Either way, if I do my part, I will gain my own eternal salvation and all that was lost will be restored and I will be able to return to my Father in Heaven and have him declare me a good a faithful servant.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
The One Where I Realize I Would Do It All Again
I've been thinking a lot lately about whether I would choose to marry a pornography addict again if I knew the pain that it would cause. The pain and heartache I've experienced with this trial far exceed that of any other trail I have experienced. Before I explain I want to say that this is very personal, and just my observations and feelings of my experiences. There is no right answer and this is not me giving advice to those questioning whether to marry or stay with an addict. Each situation is unique and each person must make their own decisions.
For me, I realized I would do it again. The reason is because I can't imagine giving up all the lessons I've learned and most importantly I am unwilling to give up the sweet relationship I've gained with my Savior and Redeemer as I have learned to lean on Him, to let His atonement work in my life, and to take His yoke upon me and hand mine off to Him. There are still hard days to come where I will be in the pit of despair. I still don't know if my marriage will last forever. I have hopes that it will, but I can't know that it will. One thing I know is that Christ lives. He is my Savior, my Redeemer, my friend, my confidant, my rock, my Lord, and my hope. He has shown me happiness even in my darkest moments and I know that means that there is a source beyond this earthly experience that is where we can and should rely for our happiness, our peace, our joy, and our perspective. My greatest wish is to live with my Heavenly Father and Savior again after this life, surrounded by my loved ones. I want those loved ones to include B and I have hope that will be the case. I'm so weak, I'm so broken, I'm such a child in my understanding of God's great mysteries but that is okay. This life is about learning, and growing and changing.
That is what this trial has done for me - it has changed me. Some of the changes are difficult, like how I can become anxious and fearful with only small triggers. But the important lasting changes are the good ones. When I become anxious and fearful I KNOW where to go to handle it, to heal, to find peace again. I have complete confidence and trust in my Savior and His willingness and ability to heal my heart, to save me from the natural man, and to teach me truth. I want to be with Him again someday, and that will take a refiner's fire. I'm willing to walk through that refiner's fire for as long as I need to in order to be perfected through my Savior and gain eternal life. I know there are other trials ahead of me. I have a feeling this one, the life of a WoPA will be the big one, or one of the big ones of my life. It will continue to refine me, to change me, to teach me as I let the spirit guide me through this fire. If I turn from the spirit then the change won't be good, the trial won't have a silver lining. But as I stick close to my Savior I will continue to find the silver lining.
For me, I realized I would do it again. The reason is because I can't imagine giving up all the lessons I've learned and most importantly I am unwilling to give up the sweet relationship I've gained with my Savior and Redeemer as I have learned to lean on Him, to let His atonement work in my life, and to take His yoke upon me and hand mine off to Him. There are still hard days to come where I will be in the pit of despair. I still don't know if my marriage will last forever. I have hopes that it will, but I can't know that it will. One thing I know is that Christ lives. He is my Savior, my Redeemer, my friend, my confidant, my rock, my Lord, and my hope. He has shown me happiness even in my darkest moments and I know that means that there is a source beyond this earthly experience that is where we can and should rely for our happiness, our peace, our joy, and our perspective. My greatest wish is to live with my Heavenly Father and Savior again after this life, surrounded by my loved ones. I want those loved ones to include B and I have hope that will be the case. I'm so weak, I'm so broken, I'm such a child in my understanding of God's great mysteries but that is okay. This life is about learning, and growing and changing.
That is what this trial has done for me - it has changed me. Some of the changes are difficult, like how I can become anxious and fearful with only small triggers. But the important lasting changes are the good ones. When I become anxious and fearful I KNOW where to go to handle it, to heal, to find peace again. I have complete confidence and trust in my Savior and His willingness and ability to heal my heart, to save me from the natural man, and to teach me truth. I want to be with Him again someday, and that will take a refiner's fire. I'm willing to walk through that refiner's fire for as long as I need to in order to be perfected through my Savior and gain eternal life. I know there are other trials ahead of me. I have a feeling this one, the life of a WoPA will be the big one, or one of the big ones of my life. It will continue to refine me, to change me, to teach me as I let the spirit guide me through this fire. If I turn from the spirit then the change won't be good, the trial won't have a silver lining. But as I stick close to my Savior I will continue to find the silver lining.
Monday, October 27, 2014
The Picture from the Horrible Vacation
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| Image from blackdreamer.com |
*Warning, this next paragraph could be super triggery - proceed with caution*
I knew in my heart what it was about. The beach, the sun, the ocean all afforded lots of opportunities to see beautiful, scantily-clad women. And when I say scantily clad I mean it - many of the beaches were topless-optional. Even the beach we were at the most which wasn't technically a top-less beach gave us a nice long look at two 20-somethings who weighed a buck-ten in their string bikini bottoms and bouncy, perky, naked boobs as they walked by slowly and turned around and walked by again. I'm SO sorry if that is triggery for you. It was my reality. So, it came as no surprise when B told me he was depressed because I didn't look that way and it made him feel distant from me and less loving toward me and why couldn't I just try harder. FACE-PALM. It should have been a GREAT vacation. One we will likely never be able to afford again. It was absolutely ruined by his addiction. The reason I'm thinking about it now is someone commented on a picture from that vacation on Facebook. The picture is in a beautiful setting with the sun-set behind us, palm trees, sand, and my husband's arm around me. We are both smiling at the camera.
Except, are we really smiling? There are no teeth in my husband's smile. And while mine looks fine when I saw it next to pictures where I am not in trauma mode it was OH SO CLEAR that I was unhappy and it was a forced smile. My eyes look sad. The corner's of my mouth aren't turned up quite as much. My shoulders are hanging. It brought tears to my eyes seeing that picture again and realizing just how sad I was in one of the most beautiful places I've ever been.
This is what makes me so angry when it comes to this addiction. So many things have been stolen from me. The fabulous vacation memories are stolen forever. I don't know that I'll ever go to a tropical island with my husband again. Seriously, never, ever. It was so traumatic. So potential vacations are stolen. Gosh darn I hate it when things are stolen from me.
As I think this though the following quote enters my mind. I remember when it was taught and it was said with great feeling - as I'm sure anyone who's heard Elder Holland teach can imagine:
"Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come." —Jeffrey R. Holland
I love this and I rely on it. All the things that are stolen from me are okay. Some blessings don't come until heaven, but they COME. I'm learning more and more to trust God, to rely on Him, and that He will bring me peace and happiness and hope ALWAYS.
Monday, October 20, 2014
Explaining the Ups and Downs to someone who just hasn't been there
I had an interesting experience - at least it was for me - a couple days ago. We are living with my parents right now, and my father is our bishop too. When we moved my husband disclosed to my dad his addiction because of the bishop thing. It went super well over-all. My dad has a general idea that it is an addiction and doesn't just go away. He gave good counsel like pray, read your scriptures, and some practical stuff like go to bed with your wife so as to remove some opportunity. He suggested the local church ARP meetings. He didn't really talk to me at all. It took me a few weeks to process the anger I felt toward my dad that he didn't support me. I thought surely this would be the one bishop who cared what this addiction did to me! However, I just realized that mostly the bishops and leaders just don't understand what this does to wives. If my dad knew the anguish I've been through and still experience sometimes he would definitely have responded differently toward me. So his lack of that response confirmed that he just doesn't get it, and I realized he can't get it. He isn't a WoPA. He just can't really understand the betrayal and crazy and worry and fear that comes with the territory. So, I did my best to give him educational resources and backed away, knowing I would need to find my support elsewhere.
Fast forward several months. He's observed that there are some weeks where I'm not quite myself and I seem less cheerful than usual. I try to hide it from my folks, especially my mom, because I can't really answer her questions honestly. He has asked a couple times how I am and what has me down. I've been vague. The other day though we were in the car together, and I was actually doing well. He asked how things were going. I told him it is up and down. He seemed a little puzzled. I told him that I guarantee that the other spouses in his congregation going through this have ups and downs too because of this addiction. He seemed to think there must be something else going on my marriage causing the discontent. Nope, this is it. I think he was still puzzled why I would have ups and downs when I intellectually know all I know about addiction. It was just interesting watching this man, who is the kindest, most spiritual, wisest man I know, struggle to comprehend the crazy that I am experiencing.
It made me so grateful for my WoPA sisters that offer love and support. I only have one WoPA girl-friend in real-life but I have an entire support system through blogging and forums. I know I can go there when I need clarity, love, compassion, support, help, and wise advice. There is nothing like experience that teaches us how to help others. This year as I have learned more and more and worked on my own healing I have felt a strong desire to share what I've learned. I gave my bishop a letter to other WoPAs he counsels, and a resource page, and I blog, and I participate in the forum, and I follow and share information about the damage of pornography on social media. If my difficult learning curve can make it a little easier for only one sister who gets the resources she needs on her first bishop visit instead of after years of searching then I kind of feel like it is worth it. If all the pain and anguish is only to help my sister's with their pain in ways I would otherwise have been unable to do, then it is worth it.
When I was struggling with infertility the only person who I could really express my pain to was my cousin who was struggling with the exact same thing at the exact same time. We shared our crazy-person stories and cried together and laughed together and she just knew. I'm so sad for all my WoPA sisters and so grateful for their strength and faith and hope at the same time. It isn't my dad's job to understand this trial. It isn't my bishop's job to be that person for me. It is my job to seek out the support I need from those who can offer it, and most importantly from my Savior. He knows. He's felt it. He gets it.
Fast forward several months. He's observed that there are some weeks where I'm not quite myself and I seem less cheerful than usual. I try to hide it from my folks, especially my mom, because I can't really answer her questions honestly. He has asked a couple times how I am and what has me down. I've been vague. The other day though we were in the car together, and I was actually doing well. He asked how things were going. I told him it is up and down. He seemed a little puzzled. I told him that I guarantee that the other spouses in his congregation going through this have ups and downs too because of this addiction. He seemed to think there must be something else going on my marriage causing the discontent. Nope, this is it. I think he was still puzzled why I would have ups and downs when I intellectually know all I know about addiction. It was just interesting watching this man, who is the kindest, most spiritual, wisest man I know, struggle to comprehend the crazy that I am experiencing.
It made me so grateful for my WoPA sisters that offer love and support. I only have one WoPA girl-friend in real-life but I have an entire support system through blogging and forums. I know I can go there when I need clarity, love, compassion, support, help, and wise advice. There is nothing like experience that teaches us how to help others. This year as I have learned more and more and worked on my own healing I have felt a strong desire to share what I've learned. I gave my bishop a letter to other WoPAs he counsels, and a resource page, and I blog, and I participate in the forum, and I follow and share information about the damage of pornography on social media. If my difficult learning curve can make it a little easier for only one sister who gets the resources she needs on her first bishop visit instead of after years of searching then I kind of feel like it is worth it. If all the pain and anguish is only to help my sister's with their pain in ways I would otherwise have been unable to do, then it is worth it.
When I was struggling with infertility the only person who I could really express my pain to was my cousin who was struggling with the exact same thing at the exact same time. We shared our crazy-person stories and cried together and laughed together and she just knew. I'm so sad for all my WoPA sisters and so grateful for their strength and faith and hope at the same time. It isn't my dad's job to understand this trial. It isn't my bishop's job to be that person for me. It is my job to seek out the support I need from those who can offer it, and most importantly from my Savior. He knows. He's felt it. He gets it.
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