It has been a while... but I felt like it was time for an update on life.
Life is good here. B is over a year sober and 1 1/2 years into recovery. He is still on step 4 (his sponsor is very, very, very thorough) but continues with lots of things to keep sober and progressing in recovery.
But this blog isn't about that, it is about me and my healing!
I'm doing pretty good too! There are still moments, and still scars, and still triggers, but I would say I am happier in my marriage than I have ever been, I am a more intentional parent, I am more patient and empathetic, I use my recovery tools in all aspects of my life and that is great too.
So, confession, I watch "Sister Wives" on TLC. I don't know, I just love it. The recent episode had a "newlywed" game of sorts - you know, where you ask one spouse and see if the other spouse matches the answer? Well, we kind of played along. and it was fun. One of the questions was, "What would your spouse say is the most important thing in a marriage?"
Me: "What do you think is most important to me?"
B: "Honesty"
Me: "YES! And yours would be to have someone you can be open and vulnerable with, with no judgement"
B: "Yes, openness, and understanding"
It was not a big, deep conversation. The next question was probably about a movie or food or something superficial. But to me, that is the beauty of recovery. THIS conversation happened without trying, without effort, without tears or accusations, without a need to process or put a pin in it until therapy or rehash bad memories or deal with triggers. He knows he must be honest, I know he needs a safe place to land with his hard stuff. We both know that sometimes I am that safe place but for other things it is his sponsor, or our therapist, or any one of the many men he has connected with through ARP and SA.
I love recovery.
In other news, we welcomed baby #2 six months ago. He is perfect, and trying and tiring and poopy and all things baby in the best way possible and his big brother took to him right away and has stayed steadfastly his biggest fan.
Showing posts with label recovery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label recovery. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
Friday, January 29, 2016
Hard Work
Recovery is hard work and healing is hard work. Hubs and I are both engaged is a battle of whether or not we are willing to work harder than the adversary to win our souls.
When I was single I had a list, like most people, of things I was looking for in a spouse. I was looking for a family man, smart, funny, spiritual, and especially a hard worker. My parents taught me that marriage is worth it but it is work. I've seen many marriages end and I wanted to do all in my power to set myself up for success. I believed if I married someone who worked hard not only at a career but at their goals, their spirituality, and their family life then he would work hard on our marriage too.
For years I thought I had misjudged and my husband wasn't willing to do the work necessary to recover and to work on our marriage. This year I've changed my mind. There is still SO MUCH MORE to do for him and me and us but he is working on it.
Nearly a year ago, maybe 11 months, we hit rock bottom in our marriage. He was convinced he hated me, that I hated him, and he couldn't be happy with me, that he was worthless, and that there wasn't hope for us. It was a tough thing to hear. I had suggested therapy a month beforehand but he hadn't said anything. Then after he spilled out how much he didn't love me or want to be married to me he said he thought we should go to therapy. I said okay and we had an appointment within a couple weeks.
I think that if I didn't have a hard worker then when the love was gone he would've left. I think if I didn't have a hard worker then he wouldn't have thrown himself into all the recovery steps he'd been working to avoid for so long. I think if I didn't have a hard worker then he wouldn't have and be continuing to take our therapy seriously, be open in therapy, and apply the advice of our therapist. If I didn't have a hard worker he wouldn't be working with his sponsor so closely on how to change his heart, not just his behavior. If I didn't have a hard worker i don't think I'd still be married. Today, even though we have so long to go, I am so grateful that he's willing to keep up the hard work. Satan isn't going to win his battle for my husband or for our marriage. That is what I believe today.
When I was single I had a list, like most people, of things I was looking for in a spouse. I was looking for a family man, smart, funny, spiritual, and especially a hard worker. My parents taught me that marriage is worth it but it is work. I've seen many marriages end and I wanted to do all in my power to set myself up for success. I believed if I married someone who worked hard not only at a career but at their goals, their spirituality, and their family life then he would work hard on our marriage too.
For years I thought I had misjudged and my husband wasn't willing to do the work necessary to recover and to work on our marriage. This year I've changed my mind. There is still SO MUCH MORE to do for him and me and us but he is working on it.
Nearly a year ago, maybe 11 months, we hit rock bottom in our marriage. He was convinced he hated me, that I hated him, and he couldn't be happy with me, that he was worthless, and that there wasn't hope for us. It was a tough thing to hear. I had suggested therapy a month beforehand but he hadn't said anything. Then after he spilled out how much he didn't love me or want to be married to me he said he thought we should go to therapy. I said okay and we had an appointment within a couple weeks.
I think that if I didn't have a hard worker then when the love was gone he would've left. I think if I didn't have a hard worker then he wouldn't have thrown himself into all the recovery steps he'd been working to avoid for so long. I think if I didn't have a hard worker then he wouldn't have and be continuing to take our therapy seriously, be open in therapy, and apply the advice of our therapist. If I didn't have a hard worker he wouldn't be working with his sponsor so closely on how to change his heart, not just his behavior. If I didn't have a hard worker i don't think I'd still be married. Today, even though we have so long to go, I am so grateful that he's willing to keep up the hard work. Satan isn't going to win his battle for my husband or for our marriage. That is what I believe today.
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Recovery principles are applicable to everything!
Today has been kind of tough for various reasons that are unrelated to addiction. I have been feeling angry toward my significant other over the way he poorly handled a situation the result of which is added work on my part.
When I got to work I felt myself wanting to do anything but work or think about the situation. My recovery though kicked in and I was able to recognize that I was feeling negative emotions and I was feeling the desire to numb with mindless pinterest searching and netflix and food.
It made me kind of happy to see progress in my own life from recovery. It might not be addiction related but the principles of recovery are so all encompassing that they are just LIFE recovery. They are just excellent tools to make us all better equipped at navigating life with more emotional, spiritual, and mental stability. I'm certainly not perfect, and I'm pretty sure I will watch Netflix on one monitor while I work on the other but even recognizing the workings of my mind and emotions so quickly, almost as soon as they got started, is good and is healthy.
I LOVE recovery work. I love the 12-steps. I love all I have learned from the wonderful women that I run shoulders with figuratively. I love all that I am learning in therapy. I love that I am feeling more confidant in my parenting ability because of the knowledge I am gaining - at least I have some tools to help teach my child about emotions, sexuality, pornography, and boundaries. God is full of mercy and love and is ready to pour goodness, knowledge, and peace into our hearts as we make room in our hearts for those blessings.
When I got to work I felt myself wanting to do anything but work or think about the situation. My recovery though kicked in and I was able to recognize that I was feeling negative emotions and I was feeling the desire to numb with mindless pinterest searching and netflix and food.
It made me kind of happy to see progress in my own life from recovery. It might not be addiction related but the principles of recovery are so all encompassing that they are just LIFE recovery. They are just excellent tools to make us all better equipped at navigating life with more emotional, spiritual, and mental stability. I'm certainly not perfect, and I'm pretty sure I will watch Netflix on one monitor while I work on the other but even recognizing the workings of my mind and emotions so quickly, almost as soon as they got started, is good and is healthy.
I LOVE recovery work. I love the 12-steps. I love all I have learned from the wonderful women that I run shoulders with figuratively. I love all that I am learning in therapy. I love that I am feeling more confidant in my parenting ability because of the knowledge I am gaining - at least I have some tools to help teach my child about emotions, sexuality, pornography, and boundaries. God is full of mercy and love and is ready to pour goodness, knowledge, and peace into our hearts as we make room in our hearts for those blessings.
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