This one just spoke to me today. I'm grateful for a patient God who accepts my best even when he knows it is not the best. Then, challenges me to learn and to do better with what I learn.
Friday, October 31, 2014
Do the best you can until you know better...
This one just spoke to me today. I'm grateful for a patient God who accepts my best even when he knows it is not the best. Then, challenges me to learn and to do better with what I learn.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Step One - Part 5
This post is part of my step work through the "Healing Through Christ Manual" in which I answer the questions presented at the end of each step to work my way through what was taught. The "Healing Through Christ" manual can be downloaded for free at healingthroughchrist.org.
FINDING OUR OWN RECOVERY AND FACING ADVERSITY
Letting Go of Those Not In Recovery
1. How does the bridge analogy help me understand how to begin my healing journey? How might it apply to my addicted loved one? Other family members?
This analogy helps me begin my journey because I realize there is a place of hope and healing. There is a place of warmth. I am allowed to be there even in my spouse doesn't decide to come with me. It is right for me to be there if I choose to make the trek across the bridge. This analogy also helps show how me working on me can help others (including my spouse) see that there is hope and healing and a warm and happy place possible. I can't know the difficulties associated with my addicted loved one's journey across this bridge but just maybe living the example will help him understand it is possible.
2. How does Helamen 3:29-30 apply this same concept?
29 Yea, we see that whosoever will may lay hold upon the word of God, which is quick and powerful, which shall divide asunder all the cunning and the snares and the wiles of the devil, and lead the man of Christ in a strait and narrow course across that everlasting gulf of misery which is prepared to engulf the wicked—
FINDING OUR OWN RECOVERY AND FACING ADVERSITY
Letting Go of Those Not In Recovery
1. How does the bridge analogy help me understand how to begin my healing journey? How might it apply to my addicted loved one? Other family members?
This analogy helps me begin my journey because I realize there is a place of hope and healing. There is a place of warmth. I am allowed to be there even in my spouse doesn't decide to come with me. It is right for me to be there if I choose to make the trek across the bridge. This analogy also helps show how me working on me can help others (including my spouse) see that there is hope and healing and a warm and happy place possible. I can't know the difficulties associated with my addicted loved one's journey across this bridge but just maybe living the example will help him understand it is possible.
2. How does Helamen 3:29-30 apply this same concept?
29 Yea, we see that whosoever will may lay hold upon the word of God, which is quick and powerful, which shall divide asunder all the cunning and the snares and the wiles of the devil, and lead the man of Christ in a strait and narrow course across that everlasting gulf of misery which is prepared to engulf the wicked—
30 And land their souls, yea, their immortal souls, at the right hand of God in the kingdom of heaven, to sit down with Abraham, and Isaac, and with Jacob, and with all our holy fathers, to go no more out.
These scriptures give me so much hope! I want to sit down with Abraham and Isaac and Jacob. I want to sit down with Joseph and Brigham. I want to sit at the right hand of God. I want to see through the wiles of the devil. I want to avoid the everlasting gulf of misery. Also, the word of God is quick and powerful. So it is there waiting for me, I will get results quickly and they will be powerful enough to make a difference.
Trials stimulate my growth and understanding
1. How might Elder Scott's explanation and counsel (page 16) be applied to this trial of having a loved one in addiction?
Elder Scott beautifully explains that when we are facing adversity that has not been brought upon our heads by our own actions it means the "Lord feels you are prepared to grow more." I like this. I've heard that we aren't given a trial we can't handle with Christ's help but this counsel goes a step further. The adversity has a purpose, a silver lining, a point. It is not just something to get through - it is something to relish and to use and to take advantage of. I want to grow! Elder Orson F. Whitney said, "...it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we came here to acquire." (page 7). I want to gain the education I came here to acquire. If I don't then what a waste! I've spent all this time apart from my Father in Heaven in order to gain eternal salvation, knowledge, an EDUCATION. If I fail to gain the light and knowledge available to me through trial and tribulation and navigating adversity successfully and I return to my Father in Heaven unable to live with Him forever it will have been an opportunity wasted. I've already gained so much through this trial and I hope to gain much more.
Opportunities for growth and learning
1. What can I learn from this experience? How can it become an opportunity to gain knowledge and wisdom that will benefit my life now and in the future? How can focusing on my own recovery change my life for the better? How can changing my life influence those around me in a positive way?
I can learn so much. I think I can gain a deeper understanding of the atonement. I can gain a sweeter relationship with my Savior. I can learn patience. I can learn to trust God. I can learn to love myself and to understand that I am a Daughter of the Most High. Most importantly I can learn charity in ways that I don't currently understand this most important attribute. All these things can be learned through the spirit - as I traverse the struggles, and battle Satan's lies and influence. As I seek the guidance of my Savior diligently he will unfold His mysteries unto me and will bless me with these characteristics in greater portion than I can currently fathom. Focusing on my own recovery will make me a better person, a happier person, a more functional person, and a more successful person. It will make me a better and more willing servant to my Savior and my fellow men. I will be a more able and understanding instrument in His hands. I will be able to affect more change, to touch more people, and to share the gospel with more clarity and conviction. I want this. I'm excited for the opportunity to so drastically change myself and I'm so grateful for the tools like this workbook, books, friends, and the scriptures and words of living apostles that can help me take full advantage of the opportunity.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
The One Where I Realize I Would Do It All Again
I've been thinking a lot lately about whether I would choose to marry a pornography addict again if I knew the pain that it would cause. The pain and heartache I've experienced with this trial far exceed that of any other trail I have experienced. Before I explain I want to say that this is very personal, and just my observations and feelings of my experiences. There is no right answer and this is not me giving advice to those questioning whether to marry or stay with an addict. Each situation is unique and each person must make their own decisions.
For me, I realized I would do it again. The reason is because I can't imagine giving up all the lessons I've learned and most importantly I am unwilling to give up the sweet relationship I've gained with my Savior and Redeemer as I have learned to lean on Him, to let His atonement work in my life, and to take His yoke upon me and hand mine off to Him. There are still hard days to come where I will be in the pit of despair. I still don't know if my marriage will last forever. I have hopes that it will, but I can't know that it will. One thing I know is that Christ lives. He is my Savior, my Redeemer, my friend, my confidant, my rock, my Lord, and my hope. He has shown me happiness even in my darkest moments and I know that means that there is a source beyond this earthly experience that is where we can and should rely for our happiness, our peace, our joy, and our perspective. My greatest wish is to live with my Heavenly Father and Savior again after this life, surrounded by my loved ones. I want those loved ones to include B and I have hope that will be the case. I'm so weak, I'm so broken, I'm such a child in my understanding of God's great mysteries but that is okay. This life is about learning, and growing and changing.
That is what this trial has done for me - it has changed me. Some of the changes are difficult, like how I can become anxious and fearful with only small triggers. But the important lasting changes are the good ones. When I become anxious and fearful I KNOW where to go to handle it, to heal, to find peace again. I have complete confidence and trust in my Savior and His willingness and ability to heal my heart, to save me from the natural man, and to teach me truth. I want to be with Him again someday, and that will take a refiner's fire. I'm willing to walk through that refiner's fire for as long as I need to in order to be perfected through my Savior and gain eternal life. I know there are other trials ahead of me. I have a feeling this one, the life of a WoPA will be the big one, or one of the big ones of my life. It will continue to refine me, to change me, to teach me as I let the spirit guide me through this fire. If I turn from the spirit then the change won't be good, the trial won't have a silver lining. But as I stick close to my Savior I will continue to find the silver lining.
For me, I realized I would do it again. The reason is because I can't imagine giving up all the lessons I've learned and most importantly I am unwilling to give up the sweet relationship I've gained with my Savior and Redeemer as I have learned to lean on Him, to let His atonement work in my life, and to take His yoke upon me and hand mine off to Him. There are still hard days to come where I will be in the pit of despair. I still don't know if my marriage will last forever. I have hopes that it will, but I can't know that it will. One thing I know is that Christ lives. He is my Savior, my Redeemer, my friend, my confidant, my rock, my Lord, and my hope. He has shown me happiness even in my darkest moments and I know that means that there is a source beyond this earthly experience that is where we can and should rely for our happiness, our peace, our joy, and our perspective. My greatest wish is to live with my Heavenly Father and Savior again after this life, surrounded by my loved ones. I want those loved ones to include B and I have hope that will be the case. I'm so weak, I'm so broken, I'm such a child in my understanding of God's great mysteries but that is okay. This life is about learning, and growing and changing.
That is what this trial has done for me - it has changed me. Some of the changes are difficult, like how I can become anxious and fearful with only small triggers. But the important lasting changes are the good ones. When I become anxious and fearful I KNOW where to go to handle it, to heal, to find peace again. I have complete confidence and trust in my Savior and His willingness and ability to heal my heart, to save me from the natural man, and to teach me truth. I want to be with Him again someday, and that will take a refiner's fire. I'm willing to walk through that refiner's fire for as long as I need to in order to be perfected through my Savior and gain eternal life. I know there are other trials ahead of me. I have a feeling this one, the life of a WoPA will be the big one, or one of the big ones of my life. It will continue to refine me, to change me, to teach me as I let the spirit guide me through this fire. If I turn from the spirit then the change won't be good, the trial won't have a silver lining. But as I stick close to my Savior I will continue to find the silver lining.
Monday, October 27, 2014
The Picture from the Horrible Vacation
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| Image from blackdreamer.com |
*Warning, this next paragraph could be super triggery - proceed with caution*
I knew in my heart what it was about. The beach, the sun, the ocean all afforded lots of opportunities to see beautiful, scantily-clad women. And when I say scantily clad I mean it - many of the beaches were topless-optional. Even the beach we were at the most which wasn't technically a top-less beach gave us a nice long look at two 20-somethings who weighed a buck-ten in their string bikini bottoms and bouncy, perky, naked boobs as they walked by slowly and turned around and walked by again. I'm SO sorry if that is triggery for you. It was my reality. So, it came as no surprise when B told me he was depressed because I didn't look that way and it made him feel distant from me and less loving toward me and why couldn't I just try harder. FACE-PALM. It should have been a GREAT vacation. One we will likely never be able to afford again. It was absolutely ruined by his addiction. The reason I'm thinking about it now is someone commented on a picture from that vacation on Facebook. The picture is in a beautiful setting with the sun-set behind us, palm trees, sand, and my husband's arm around me. We are both smiling at the camera.
Except, are we really smiling? There are no teeth in my husband's smile. And while mine looks fine when I saw it next to pictures where I am not in trauma mode it was OH SO CLEAR that I was unhappy and it was a forced smile. My eyes look sad. The corner's of my mouth aren't turned up quite as much. My shoulders are hanging. It brought tears to my eyes seeing that picture again and realizing just how sad I was in one of the most beautiful places I've ever been.
This is what makes me so angry when it comes to this addiction. So many things have been stolen from me. The fabulous vacation memories are stolen forever. I don't know that I'll ever go to a tropical island with my husband again. Seriously, never, ever. It was so traumatic. So potential vacations are stolen. Gosh darn I hate it when things are stolen from me.
As I think this though the following quote enters my mind. I remember when it was taught and it was said with great feeling - as I'm sure anyone who's heard Elder Holland teach can imagine:
"Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come." —Jeffrey R. Holland
I love this and I rely on it. All the things that are stolen from me are okay. Some blessings don't come until heaven, but they COME. I'm learning more and more to trust God, to rely on Him, and that He will bring me peace and happiness and hope ALWAYS.
Monday, October 20, 2014
Explaining the Ups and Downs to someone who just hasn't been there
I had an interesting experience - at least it was for me - a couple days ago. We are living with my parents right now, and my father is our bishop too. When we moved my husband disclosed to my dad his addiction because of the bishop thing. It went super well over-all. My dad has a general idea that it is an addiction and doesn't just go away. He gave good counsel like pray, read your scriptures, and some practical stuff like go to bed with your wife so as to remove some opportunity. He suggested the local church ARP meetings. He didn't really talk to me at all. It took me a few weeks to process the anger I felt toward my dad that he didn't support me. I thought surely this would be the one bishop who cared what this addiction did to me! However, I just realized that mostly the bishops and leaders just don't understand what this does to wives. If my dad knew the anguish I've been through and still experience sometimes he would definitely have responded differently toward me. So his lack of that response confirmed that he just doesn't get it, and I realized he can't get it. He isn't a WoPA. He just can't really understand the betrayal and crazy and worry and fear that comes with the territory. So, I did my best to give him educational resources and backed away, knowing I would need to find my support elsewhere.
Fast forward several months. He's observed that there are some weeks where I'm not quite myself and I seem less cheerful than usual. I try to hide it from my folks, especially my mom, because I can't really answer her questions honestly. He has asked a couple times how I am and what has me down. I've been vague. The other day though we were in the car together, and I was actually doing well. He asked how things were going. I told him it is up and down. He seemed a little puzzled. I told him that I guarantee that the other spouses in his congregation going through this have ups and downs too because of this addiction. He seemed to think there must be something else going on my marriage causing the discontent. Nope, this is it. I think he was still puzzled why I would have ups and downs when I intellectually know all I know about addiction. It was just interesting watching this man, who is the kindest, most spiritual, wisest man I know, struggle to comprehend the crazy that I am experiencing.
It made me so grateful for my WoPA sisters that offer love and support. I only have one WoPA girl-friend in real-life but I have an entire support system through blogging and forums. I know I can go there when I need clarity, love, compassion, support, help, and wise advice. There is nothing like experience that teaches us how to help others. This year as I have learned more and more and worked on my own healing I have felt a strong desire to share what I've learned. I gave my bishop a letter to other WoPAs he counsels, and a resource page, and I blog, and I participate in the forum, and I follow and share information about the damage of pornography on social media. If my difficult learning curve can make it a little easier for only one sister who gets the resources she needs on her first bishop visit instead of after years of searching then I kind of feel like it is worth it. If all the pain and anguish is only to help my sister's with their pain in ways I would otherwise have been unable to do, then it is worth it.
When I was struggling with infertility the only person who I could really express my pain to was my cousin who was struggling with the exact same thing at the exact same time. We shared our crazy-person stories and cried together and laughed together and she just knew. I'm so sad for all my WoPA sisters and so grateful for their strength and faith and hope at the same time. It isn't my dad's job to understand this trial. It isn't my bishop's job to be that person for me. It is my job to seek out the support I need from those who can offer it, and most importantly from my Savior. He knows. He's felt it. He gets it.
Fast forward several months. He's observed that there are some weeks where I'm not quite myself and I seem less cheerful than usual. I try to hide it from my folks, especially my mom, because I can't really answer her questions honestly. He has asked a couple times how I am and what has me down. I've been vague. The other day though we were in the car together, and I was actually doing well. He asked how things were going. I told him it is up and down. He seemed a little puzzled. I told him that I guarantee that the other spouses in his congregation going through this have ups and downs too because of this addiction. He seemed to think there must be something else going on my marriage causing the discontent. Nope, this is it. I think he was still puzzled why I would have ups and downs when I intellectually know all I know about addiction. It was just interesting watching this man, who is the kindest, most spiritual, wisest man I know, struggle to comprehend the crazy that I am experiencing.
It made me so grateful for my WoPA sisters that offer love and support. I only have one WoPA girl-friend in real-life but I have an entire support system through blogging and forums. I know I can go there when I need clarity, love, compassion, support, help, and wise advice. There is nothing like experience that teaches us how to help others. This year as I have learned more and more and worked on my own healing I have felt a strong desire to share what I've learned. I gave my bishop a letter to other WoPAs he counsels, and a resource page, and I blog, and I participate in the forum, and I follow and share information about the damage of pornography on social media. If my difficult learning curve can make it a little easier for only one sister who gets the resources she needs on her first bishop visit instead of after years of searching then I kind of feel like it is worth it. If all the pain and anguish is only to help my sister's with their pain in ways I would otherwise have been unable to do, then it is worth it.
When I was struggling with infertility the only person who I could really express my pain to was my cousin who was struggling with the exact same thing at the exact same time. We shared our crazy-person stories and cried together and laughed together and she just knew. I'm so sad for all my WoPA sisters and so grateful for their strength and faith and hope at the same time. It isn't my dad's job to understand this trial. It isn't my bishop's job to be that person for me. It is my job to seek out the support I need from those who can offer it, and most importantly from my Savior. He knows. He's felt it. He gets it.
Friday, October 17, 2014
Step One - Part 4
This post is part of my step work through the "Healing Through Christ Manual" in which I answer the questions presented at the end of each step to work my way through what was taught. The "Healing Through Christ" manual can be downloaded for free at healingthroughchrist.org.
RECOGNIZING UNHEALTHY BEHAVIORS
Step One Inventory
1. Do I focus mainly on the problems of my addicted loved one and allow this focus to consume my life? Do I allow their problems to prevent me from living a happy and productive life and from loving and interacting with family members and friends?
Some days the problems of my addicted loved one consume my life. Mostly I would say no though. Having an addicted loved one in the first place can feel consuming but I still actively love and interact with family members and loved ones generally. I would say 80/20 on this one. It does happen sometimes but not most of the time.
2. Have I been in denial over the seriousness of my loved ones' addiction? Describe the thoughts and emotions that encouraged my feelings of denial.
I am not currently in denial but I was for several years. I ignored what was happening, "even when it [was] right before [my] eyes." I did this until I was ready to face the truth. This week I contemplated going back to that place - it seemed easier somehow. But I know it is unhealthy, and it ate away at me, so I can't go back.
3. Have I enabled my addicted loved one? What was the result?
Yes, I believe I have because I shielded him from consequences. I didn't have any boundaries and let myself be treated as a doormat. I let myself be used as a lust hit. I pretended what he is doing had no effect on me or our family. It does have an effect. The result was nice for him I believe - he has referenced going back to that time when I was actively ignoring because he felt like I wasn't hurt as much, which he prefers. However, it was still hurting I just wasn't as vocal about it and I wasn't dealing in a healthy manner. What it didn't do was change him at all - he still acted out the entire time. I'm guessing it was every week or two. I can't control it.
4. Have I used persecuting behaviors to try to stop my loved ones' addiction? What was the outcome? Do I feel responsible for their recovery?
Yes, I have. I have made sure to let him know how hurt I am thinking his guilt and shame will make him stop. That didn't work. I have given him the silent treatment. That didn't work. I have thrown information about addiction and recovery at him. That didn't work. I've tried to control. The part of the handbook that says "it doesn't matter if we could help them if only they'd listen to and cooperate with us" really struck me. I COULD help if only he would listen!! But that doesn't matter because I can't control him, or his willingness to listen, or seek or want help. I can't control whether or not he even has a desire to change.
5. Do I feel I am a victim as a result of my loved ones' addiction? Do I suffer from feelings of guilt or shame? How have I suffered because I blamed myself for my loved ones' addiction?
Yes, I have felt and feel a victim as a result of my loved ones' addiction. I'm not sure how to not feel that way. He is doing all of these things. The addiction makes him irritable, quick to anger, and selfish and it is a form of adultery. I am being cheated on every 3 weeks. I don't know how to not feel like I am a victim of that. It feels like if I say I am not a victim, then I am saying his behaviors are acceptable and okay and I'm just the one with the problem. I know he is not doing these things too me but they are affected me. I am being cheated on, repeatedly, over and over and over. Clearly, this is one negative emotion I need to work on. I don't blame myself anymore - I did for a little while early on, but I don't now.
6. Have I tried to change my appearance through starvation or cosmetic surgical procedures in an effort to stop my loved ones' sexual addiction. Have I become anorexic?
My resolution to change my appearance for him never lasts more than a day because something I now know is that I am beautiful by the definition of my Savior and that is enough for me. I struggled with bulimic tendencies briefly in college and briefly after I was married and facing the truth of having an addicted loved one but now my testimony of my divine worth won't let me do that.
7. Am I distracting myself from emotional distress by excessive shopping, spending, over-eating, obsessive exercising, or using media or any other behavior to escape or soothe my fearful or angry emotions?
Yes, I watch TV to distract myself. I watch TV to go numb and stop thinking about all this.
8. How have unhealthy codependent behaviors impacted my life? How have they affected my loved one?
They have made me miserable. This addiction is stupid and I can't control it or my husband's desire to overcome it. Allowing either any control over my happiness has just brought worry and fear and heartache. I don't know how to have an open and vulnerable and successful marriage without some happiness hinging on it being those things though. If it has no effect on my happiness then it is just business, it isn't something that can make me happy or sad, so why put all the effort into it? A great marriage would make me happy, so how do I saw an unhealthy marriage won't make my unhappy?
I choose to avoid controlling others
1. Have I tried to control addictive behaviors through threats, silent treatment, withdrawal of love, shaming, blaming, or constant monitoring of their behaviors?
I would say no. I have withdrawn love, I have blamed (in my heart), I have gotten silent. But I don't think I did those in an effort to control. I know they were perceived that way but I honestly have done those things when I have felt too weak to be vulnerable, too hurt to put myself out there, and too sad to put his feelings ahead of my own. These were a mechanism for coping with the hurt - by shielding myself from more hurt.
Letting go and allowing consequences
1. Why is it important to allow my loved one to experience the consequences of their addiction? How will this make a difference in their life as well as my own?
It is important because that is the nature of this life - the way it was designed. We make choices, and we face the music. I am not the Savior, so I don't have the capacity to save my husband, nor is it my job. We must all face our own consequences. I believe that facing them sooner helps us in the long run.
Reacting or responding
1. What can I do to begin responding rather than reacting? What differences do I see in myself and in others when I respond rather than react?
Honestly, I feel I generally do a good job of responding rather than reacting. Rarely do I just let my knee-jerk reaction rule my actions. However, I could work on not letting it control my thoughts and feelings too. When I respond rather than react the situation doesn't escalate. My husband will react about 95% of the time, so all it takes for a situation to escalate is for me to react as well and then BOOM there we go. I struggle with feeling it is unfair to have such a disparity in who reacts vs. responds. But life isn't fair. And where much is given much is required. I was taught to respond rather than react so I am required to do so. My husband, through is primary attachment figure, was mostly taught to react rather than respond so he isn't held to the same standard (I believe). Sometimes it just stinks.
My favorite quote from the workbook while working this section of the step was:
"Do not give in to paralyzing feelings of guilt and hopelessness. Seek spiritual help and peace. Be strong and courageous. You will see it through." - Elder Carmack (p. 12)
I will see it through!
RECOGNIZING UNHEALTHY BEHAVIORS
Step One Inventory
1. Do I focus mainly on the problems of my addicted loved one and allow this focus to consume my life? Do I allow their problems to prevent me from living a happy and productive life and from loving and interacting with family members and friends?
Some days the problems of my addicted loved one consume my life. Mostly I would say no though. Having an addicted loved one in the first place can feel consuming but I still actively love and interact with family members and loved ones generally. I would say 80/20 on this one. It does happen sometimes but not most of the time.
2. Have I been in denial over the seriousness of my loved ones' addiction? Describe the thoughts and emotions that encouraged my feelings of denial.
I am not currently in denial but I was for several years. I ignored what was happening, "even when it [was] right before [my] eyes." I did this until I was ready to face the truth. This week I contemplated going back to that place - it seemed easier somehow. But I know it is unhealthy, and it ate away at me, so I can't go back.
3. Have I enabled my addicted loved one? What was the result?
Yes, I believe I have because I shielded him from consequences. I didn't have any boundaries and let myself be treated as a doormat. I let myself be used as a lust hit. I pretended what he is doing had no effect on me or our family. It does have an effect. The result was nice for him I believe - he has referenced going back to that time when I was actively ignoring because he felt like I wasn't hurt as much, which he prefers. However, it was still hurting I just wasn't as vocal about it and I wasn't dealing in a healthy manner. What it didn't do was change him at all - he still acted out the entire time. I'm guessing it was every week or two. I can't control it.
4. Have I used persecuting behaviors to try to stop my loved ones' addiction? What was the outcome? Do I feel responsible for their recovery?
Yes, I have. I have made sure to let him know how hurt I am thinking his guilt and shame will make him stop. That didn't work. I have given him the silent treatment. That didn't work. I have thrown information about addiction and recovery at him. That didn't work. I've tried to control. The part of the handbook that says "it doesn't matter if we could help them if only they'd listen to and cooperate with us" really struck me. I COULD help if only he would listen!! But that doesn't matter because I can't control him, or his willingness to listen, or seek or want help. I can't control whether or not he even has a desire to change.
5. Do I feel I am a victim as a result of my loved ones' addiction? Do I suffer from feelings of guilt or shame? How have I suffered because I blamed myself for my loved ones' addiction?
Yes, I have felt and feel a victim as a result of my loved ones' addiction. I'm not sure how to not feel that way. He is doing all of these things. The addiction makes him irritable, quick to anger, and selfish and it is a form of adultery. I am being cheated on every 3 weeks. I don't know how to not feel like I am a victim of that. It feels like if I say I am not a victim, then I am saying his behaviors are acceptable and okay and I'm just the one with the problem. I know he is not doing these things too me but they are affected me. I am being cheated on, repeatedly, over and over and over. Clearly, this is one negative emotion I need to work on. I don't blame myself anymore - I did for a little while early on, but I don't now.
6. Have I tried to change my appearance through starvation or cosmetic surgical procedures in an effort to stop my loved ones' sexual addiction. Have I become anorexic?
My resolution to change my appearance for him never lasts more than a day because something I now know is that I am beautiful by the definition of my Savior and that is enough for me. I struggled with bulimic tendencies briefly in college and briefly after I was married and facing the truth of having an addicted loved one but now my testimony of my divine worth won't let me do that.
7. Am I distracting myself from emotional distress by excessive shopping, spending, over-eating, obsessive exercising, or using media or any other behavior to escape or soothe my fearful or angry emotions?
Yes, I watch TV to distract myself. I watch TV to go numb and stop thinking about all this.
8. How have unhealthy codependent behaviors impacted my life? How have they affected my loved one?
They have made me miserable. This addiction is stupid and I can't control it or my husband's desire to overcome it. Allowing either any control over my happiness has just brought worry and fear and heartache. I don't know how to have an open and vulnerable and successful marriage without some happiness hinging on it being those things though. If it has no effect on my happiness then it is just business, it isn't something that can make me happy or sad, so why put all the effort into it? A great marriage would make me happy, so how do I saw an unhealthy marriage won't make my unhappy?
I choose to avoid controlling others
1. Have I tried to control addictive behaviors through threats, silent treatment, withdrawal of love, shaming, blaming, or constant monitoring of their behaviors?
I would say no. I have withdrawn love, I have blamed (in my heart), I have gotten silent. But I don't think I did those in an effort to control. I know they were perceived that way but I honestly have done those things when I have felt too weak to be vulnerable, too hurt to put myself out there, and too sad to put his feelings ahead of my own. These were a mechanism for coping with the hurt - by shielding myself from more hurt.
Letting go and allowing consequences
1. Why is it important to allow my loved one to experience the consequences of their addiction? How will this make a difference in their life as well as my own?
It is important because that is the nature of this life - the way it was designed. We make choices, and we face the music. I am not the Savior, so I don't have the capacity to save my husband, nor is it my job. We must all face our own consequences. I believe that facing them sooner helps us in the long run.
Reacting or responding
1. What can I do to begin responding rather than reacting? What differences do I see in myself and in others when I respond rather than react?
Honestly, I feel I generally do a good job of responding rather than reacting. Rarely do I just let my knee-jerk reaction rule my actions. However, I could work on not letting it control my thoughts and feelings too. When I respond rather than react the situation doesn't escalate. My husband will react about 95% of the time, so all it takes for a situation to escalate is for me to react as well and then BOOM there we go. I struggle with feeling it is unfair to have such a disparity in who reacts vs. responds. But life isn't fair. And where much is given much is required. I was taught to respond rather than react so I am required to do so. My husband, through is primary attachment figure, was mostly taught to react rather than respond so he isn't held to the same standard (I believe). Sometimes it just stinks.
My favorite quote from the workbook while working this section of the step was:
"Do not give in to paralyzing feelings of guilt and hopelessness. Seek spiritual help and peace. Be strong and courageous. You will see it through." - Elder Carmack (p. 12)
I will see it through!
Thursday, October 16, 2014
The post where I want him to want to do the dishes... kind of
Have you seen the movie "The Break Up" with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn? I saw it many years ago and haven't seen it recently but one scene always stuck with me. They are arguing about lots of things, and doing the dishes comes up because Vince Vaughn's character makes a big deal of being reluctant and put-upon when asked to help do the dishes. He says "Why would I want to do the dishes?!" and she responds with "I want you to WANT to do the dishes!"
Isn't this argument so telling about what we really want? We want closeness. We want someone to want us, to care about us, to think about us. To quote Cheap Trick, "I want you want me."
My anniversary is coming up. We made out-of-town day plans but I can't go because of school. I told B last night that I can't leave for the entire day and in our conversation this morning he said he was still planning on being gone all day doing the thing we were going to do together. So, I guess that leaves me alone, all day, on our anniversary. We'll see if his plans change before the actual day. I want him to want to spend our anniversary together. I don't want him to spend it with me because I ask him to stay. I want him to want to stay in order to be with me.
Asking defeats what I want because then he might just stay because I asked him to, not because he wanted to stay himself. However, in an effort to be honest and forthcoming and not manipulative I told him this morning that although the activity he might attend would be great I want to spend time with him on our anniversary. All he said was, "I know." He didn't even look at me. He just kept feeding the baby. He didn't say, "Me too" or "That is what we'll do" or anything that indicated he wanted to spend time with me on our 5 year anniversary. It hurt. It stung. Now what do I do? I want him to want me. He doesn't need to want to spend every hour of every day with me. But I want him to want to spend our anniversary evening together. As of right now he'll be gone all day instead, because that is what he is choosing. I'm feeling hurt today. I'm feeling fearful of a special day being ruined. I'm feeling fearful of bursting into tears in front of strangers, or class-mates, or the bus driver.
Isn't this argument so telling about what we really want? We want closeness. We want someone to want us, to care about us, to think about us. To quote Cheap Trick, "I want you want me."
My anniversary is coming up. We made out-of-town day plans but I can't go because of school. I told B last night that I can't leave for the entire day and in our conversation this morning he said he was still planning on being gone all day doing the thing we were going to do together. So, I guess that leaves me alone, all day, on our anniversary. We'll see if his plans change before the actual day. I want him to want to spend our anniversary together. I don't want him to spend it with me because I ask him to stay. I want him to want to stay in order to be with me.
Asking defeats what I want because then he might just stay because I asked him to, not because he wanted to stay himself. However, in an effort to be honest and forthcoming and not manipulative I told him this morning that although the activity he might attend would be great I want to spend time with him on our anniversary. All he said was, "I know." He didn't even look at me. He just kept feeding the baby. He didn't say, "Me too" or "That is what we'll do" or anything that indicated he wanted to spend time with me on our 5 year anniversary. It hurt. It stung. Now what do I do? I want him to want me. He doesn't need to want to spend every hour of every day with me. But I want him to want to spend our anniversary evening together. As of right now he'll be gone all day instead, because that is what he is choosing. I'm feeling hurt today. I'm feeling fearful of a special day being ruined. I'm feeling fearful of bursting into tears in front of strangers, or class-mates, or the bus driver.
The One Where I don't like a popular song
There is a new-ish song that I've heard several times on the radio. The first time I heard this song it rubbed me the wrong way and every time since I like it less and less. I want to share why. The song is called "God Made Girls" The song is all about why God made girls, with the reason being for guys. God made girls to rock the guys world, to drag him to church, to wear skirts, to make him get dressed up, to give him a reason to wash his truck. I think I get the sentiment - guys and girls compliment each other. However, I just really really dislike the way this sentiment is expressed. God did NOT make girls FOR boys. We are not subservient to men. Our sole purpose is not to elevate the life of the men in the world. I am not made solely to please my husband, or fix him, or care for him. I am more than that. It just seems like the lyrics promote that the goal is for men to be successful, and they needed help to be successful, so women were made to get them the rest of the way.
No, no no. We are all made to be successful and we can all help each other along the way, but my purpose is not solely to make B successful. It is for me to be successful too - and my success isn't measured by whether or not B is successful. I think that is the root of my discontent. It seems that if God made girls for all these things then if he doesn't go to church, or open the door, or wash his truck it is somehow the girl's fault. That is the lie. Nobody is responsible for another person's actions. Everyone is responsible for themselves. Guys can wash their own damn truck without a girl around to motivate them. They can get to church for themselves, on their own, regardless of whether or not a female is encouraging them.
Maybe if this addiction wasn't part of my life I would feel differently about this song. But that is not my reality. My reality is that things are affected by the presence of this addiction. But maybe, just maybe, the effects are good because I'm more sensitive to so many lies that exist in our culture. I'm better at identifying them. I'm better at rejecting them. I'm better at seeking the truth and shunning the lies.
No, no no. We are all made to be successful and we can all help each other along the way, but my purpose is not solely to make B successful. It is for me to be successful too - and my success isn't measured by whether or not B is successful. I think that is the root of my discontent. It seems that if God made girls for all these things then if he doesn't go to church, or open the door, or wash his truck it is somehow the girl's fault. That is the lie. Nobody is responsible for another person's actions. Everyone is responsible for themselves. Guys can wash their own damn truck without a girl around to motivate them. They can get to church for themselves, on their own, regardless of whether or not a female is encouraging them.
Maybe if this addiction wasn't part of my life I would feel differently about this song. But that is not my reality. My reality is that things are affected by the presence of this addiction. But maybe, just maybe, the effects are good because I'm more sensitive to so many lies that exist in our culture. I'm better at identifying them. I'm better at rejecting them. I'm better at seeking the truth and shunning the lies.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Boundaries are Working
For the longest time I held off on boundaries. I couldn't figure them out and I didn't like the idea of physical space as a consequence because I was afraid. Isn't that such a common emotion for WoPAs? I was afraid of pushing him away, of pushing him to pornography, of making him angry, of physical space not helping, of feeling and being alone. I was so afraid. Over time I finally realized what I was doing wasn't working so I might as well try something new. I set up my boundaries. The consequence of many of them is us sleeping apart for a time so I can get my space, focus on my healing, focus on myself, and so I don't have to sleep as close the edge as physically possible as I try desperately to not bump into my husband as he sleeps next to me and I am so upset with him.
The first sleep apart boundary I set was because all of the sudden I couldn't sleep. I was used to B staying up later than me but all of the sudden it was making it impossible for me to sleep. So, I decided if he wasn't in bed within 30 minutes after I was in bed then I didn't want to sleep in the same bed. That first night I slept SO WELL knowing that he wouldn't be coming to bed at 2am possibly having acted out for me to find out the next day. It has really helped my sleeping since as well. This experience gave me the courage to set other boundaries. B and I have only slept in the same bed twice in nearly two weeks but I am feeling pretty darn good. I'm feeling peace (mostly). I feel safe and like I have a way to protect myself and allow myself the time I need to heal.
When I set my first two boundaries (before the bed time one) I called a friend and sobbed uncontrollably because this is what my life had come to and it was another realization of what I've lost, or what I never had to begin with. My friend told me that I would know if my boundaries were working by how I felt, if they gave me more peace, and if I felt more safe.
My boundaries are working right now! It makes me so happy to know that I can do something to help me feel safe while being married to man stuck in his addiction. It makes me feel like I don't have to be a victim, I don't have to let this thing destroy me, and I can be happy no matter what circumstances surround me. I love my boundaries because of how much they help protect me. I hated that I had to make boundaries to feel safe but situations are what they are and I have to live with them and this is the way for me to do that successfully so I will.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Step One - Part 3
This post is part of my step work through the "Healing Through Christ Manual" in which I answer the questions presented at the end of each step to work my way through what was taught. The "Healing Through Christ" manual can be downloaded for free at healingthroughchrist.org.
IDENTIFYING NEGATIVE EMOTIONS
Processing my Negative Emotions
1. What are the negative emotions I struggle with? How can I process my negative emotions? How often do I struggle with negative thoughts and experience fearful or angry emotions about my loved one's addiction? Have my thoughts and worries interfered with eating and sleeping patterns? Have I struggled with feelings of hopelessness and depression? To what extent?
I struggle with anger and sadness most. I get angry that he repeats the addiction cycle over and over. I get angry that I am in this situation. I get angry that I don't have the full fidelity of my husband. I get angry that I don't have control. I also get sad and self-conscience. I am sad for all the same reasons I am angry and that often turns into a critique of my physical body. Keeping my body image healthy is extremely challenging while facing my husband's sexual addiction.
I can process my negative emotions by identifying them as such. I am feeling angry because... I am feeling sad because... I am feeling bad about myself because... And recognizing the source of negative emotions is the adversary. Once I convince myself the source is the adversary who wants to bring me down and destroy my marriage it is easier to choose to "let go and let God", turn my emotions over to him, and seek out ways to fill the space with positive emotions.
I struggle with negative emotions in some form daily. Usually the daily thoughts are fleeting and brief and I can process them quickly. About every 2 weeks I have more trouble processing these emotions quickly and it takes a couple days. These thoughts and worries interfere with my eating habits mildly by my over-eating to console myself but they do interfere with my sleep if I haven't processed by bedtime.
I have struggled with feelings of hopelessness more than feelings of depression. These feelings come only once a month or so when I am having a really hard time processing other negative emotions at the same time as B is having a hard time with processing his negative emotions. When we are BOTH negative at the same time it feels more hopeless.
The Wolf Parable
From "Healing Through Christ" - The Wolf Parable
An elder Apache was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me; it is a terrible fight that is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, self-pity, guilt, resentment, lies, and pride. The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside you and inside every other person too." The grandchildren thought about the story for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?" The old grandfather simply replied, "The one you feed."
1. Which wolf do I feed most often? What can I learn from the feelings I have when I feed either wolf ? (Read D&C 50:23-25) How do negative emotions interfere with my ability to respond appropriately to my addicted loved one?
I honestly feel that feed the good wolf most often. There are certainly days or moments where I feed the bad wolf and let myself slip into negative emotions. But more and more I'm learning to recognize the negative emotions when they start and halt them, knowing they are of the adversary and it is slippery slope to ruin an entire day or week if I succumb in those first moments of temptation. When I do allow the negative emotions to fester (and sometimes I do because I'm not perfect and sometimes I want to have a pity-party) it totally destroys my ability to be there for my addicted loved one. I am unfeeling, withdrawn, snippy, unproductive, and selfish with my time and my energy and my emotions. I think that is the biggest thing - I get selfish. I don't want to put myself out there. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to spend time with him. I don't want to be nice to him. I want to make him feel the pain that I am feeling (misery loves company). I get selfish when I feed the bad wolf.
Recognize the adversary's influence
1. What are the lies the adversary whispers into my mind? How do these lies affect my behavior? What is the truth about each of the lies I have listed? How can replacing untruthful thoughts with accurate information help me?
The lie that is whispered into my mind most often is that I am too fat to be desirable. I believed this one for a long time. Before marriage I always longed for the day when I would be married and finally be accepted for me and have a husband that saw me as beautiful because he saw past the extra pounds. Seriously, that was what I expected of marriage - a man who would love me for me and the weight wouldn't bother him because it is just part of me. Oh, YOWSA was I wrong about that one. SO SO WRONG. My problem was I was waiting for the day when validation from a man would make me comfortable in my own skin. Once I was married and realized this was NOT going to happen any time soon in my marriage I got angry, really angry. I felt like I had been seriously short-changed. I work hard on my spiritual self, my mental self, my emotional self, but all that was being considered was my physical self and because that came up short I was undesirable. Why would Heavenly Father have led me to someone who rips open my biggest weakness and pours acid on the pain? When B told me he resented that he was led to someone who was lacking in physical self-confidence and who struggled with her weight my jaw nearly hit the floor. You resent being married to me?! Are you freaking kidding me? You can't be serious. I'm the best damn thing that has happened in your life and I'm responding much better than lots of people do and I'm trying to be patient, to work on me, to understand your stupid addiction and you have the audacity to RESENT ME my lack of self-confidence? You're addiction caused lots of it! Okay, calm down Laurie. This lie, and many other affect my behavior because I get distracted by them, I get angry, I withdraw, I get more irritable, and less likely to look for opportunities to serve my spouse. The truth is that I am overweight. The lie is that being overweight automatically makes me unworthy of love or being considered attractive. The bigger lie is that being considered attractive physically is so important. It isn't. There is so much more. Replacing lies with truth grounds me, brings me peace, and makes me much more balanced on all levels.
We are commanded to be not afraid
1. How has fear destroyed my faith and hope? How has it kept me from feeling that God is with me wherever I go?
I believe, as the prophets and apostles have taught, that man cannot serve two masters. When I am in a place of fear I am putting up walls between me and the influence of the spirit. When I am in a place of fear all I can see are the negatives, the fear, the potential loss. I can't see the positives, and more importantly the hope. Fear is the opposite of faith and hope and faith go hand in hand.
IDENTIFYING NEGATIVE EMOTIONS
Processing my Negative Emotions
1. What are the negative emotions I struggle with? How can I process my negative emotions? How often do I struggle with negative thoughts and experience fearful or angry emotions about my loved one's addiction? Have my thoughts and worries interfered with eating and sleeping patterns? Have I struggled with feelings of hopelessness and depression? To what extent?
I struggle with anger and sadness most. I get angry that he repeats the addiction cycle over and over. I get angry that I am in this situation. I get angry that I don't have the full fidelity of my husband. I get angry that I don't have control. I also get sad and self-conscience. I am sad for all the same reasons I am angry and that often turns into a critique of my physical body. Keeping my body image healthy is extremely challenging while facing my husband's sexual addiction.
I can process my negative emotions by identifying them as such. I am feeling angry because... I am feeling sad because... I am feeling bad about myself because... And recognizing the source of negative emotions is the adversary. Once I convince myself the source is the adversary who wants to bring me down and destroy my marriage it is easier to choose to "let go and let God", turn my emotions over to him, and seek out ways to fill the space with positive emotions.
I struggle with negative emotions in some form daily. Usually the daily thoughts are fleeting and brief and I can process them quickly. About every 2 weeks I have more trouble processing these emotions quickly and it takes a couple days. These thoughts and worries interfere with my eating habits mildly by my over-eating to console myself but they do interfere with my sleep if I haven't processed by bedtime.
I have struggled with feelings of hopelessness more than feelings of depression. These feelings come only once a month or so when I am having a really hard time processing other negative emotions at the same time as B is having a hard time with processing his negative emotions. When we are BOTH negative at the same time it feels more hopeless.
The Wolf Parable
From "Healing Through Christ" - The Wolf Parable
An elder Apache was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me; it is a terrible fight that is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, self-pity, guilt, resentment, lies, and pride. The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside you and inside every other person too." The grandchildren thought about the story for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?" The old grandfather simply replied, "The one you feed."
1. Which wolf do I feed most often? What can I learn from the feelings I have when I feed either wolf ? (Read D&C 50:23-25) How do negative emotions interfere with my ability to respond appropriately to my addicted loved one?
I honestly feel that feed the good wolf most often. There are certainly days or moments where I feed the bad wolf and let myself slip into negative emotions. But more and more I'm learning to recognize the negative emotions when they start and halt them, knowing they are of the adversary and it is slippery slope to ruin an entire day or week if I succumb in those first moments of temptation. When I do allow the negative emotions to fester (and sometimes I do because I'm not perfect and sometimes I want to have a pity-party) it totally destroys my ability to be there for my addicted loved one. I am unfeeling, withdrawn, snippy, unproductive, and selfish with my time and my energy and my emotions. I think that is the biggest thing - I get selfish. I don't want to put myself out there. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to spend time with him. I don't want to be nice to him. I want to make him feel the pain that I am feeling (misery loves company). I get selfish when I feed the bad wolf.
Recognize the adversary's influence
1. What are the lies the adversary whispers into my mind? How do these lies affect my behavior? What is the truth about each of the lies I have listed? How can replacing untruthful thoughts with accurate information help me?
The lie that is whispered into my mind most often is that I am too fat to be desirable. I believed this one for a long time. Before marriage I always longed for the day when I would be married and finally be accepted for me and have a husband that saw me as beautiful because he saw past the extra pounds. Seriously, that was what I expected of marriage - a man who would love me for me and the weight wouldn't bother him because it is just part of me. Oh, YOWSA was I wrong about that one. SO SO WRONG. My problem was I was waiting for the day when validation from a man would make me comfortable in my own skin. Once I was married and realized this was NOT going to happen any time soon in my marriage I got angry, really angry. I felt like I had been seriously short-changed. I work hard on my spiritual self, my mental self, my emotional self, but all that was being considered was my physical self and because that came up short I was undesirable. Why would Heavenly Father have led me to someone who rips open my biggest weakness and pours acid on the pain? When B told me he resented that he was led to someone who was lacking in physical self-confidence and who struggled with her weight my jaw nearly hit the floor. You resent being married to me?! Are you freaking kidding me? You can't be serious. I'm the best damn thing that has happened in your life and I'm responding much better than lots of people do and I'm trying to be patient, to work on me, to understand your stupid addiction and you have the audacity to RESENT ME my lack of self-confidence? You're addiction caused lots of it! Okay, calm down Laurie. This lie, and many other affect my behavior because I get distracted by them, I get angry, I withdraw, I get more irritable, and less likely to look for opportunities to serve my spouse. The truth is that I am overweight. The lie is that being overweight automatically makes me unworthy of love or being considered attractive. The bigger lie is that being considered attractive physically is so important. It isn't. There is so much more. Replacing lies with truth grounds me, brings me peace, and makes me much more balanced on all levels.
We are commanded to be not afraid
1. How has fear destroyed my faith and hope? How has it kept me from feeling that God is with me wherever I go?
I believe, as the prophets and apostles have taught, that man cannot serve two masters. When I am in a place of fear I am putting up walls between me and the influence of the spirit. When I am in a place of fear all I can see are the negatives, the fear, the potential loss. I can't see the positives, and more importantly the hope. Fear is the opposite of faith and hope and faith go hand in hand.
Saturday, October 4, 2014
You Give Love A Bad Name
Yesterday I had one of those days where I just wanted to sit in my anger for a while. I rocked out to many fabulous songs on my commute - including the song below. If you feel like singing with some serious angst, you're welcome.
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