Detaching a Bit

This has been a pretty up and down past few days.

Wednesday night is check-in night. Thursday I found porn. Ironically I wasn't really snooping or trying to find anything. I feel that maybe this was the spirit guiding me to tell me something. The problem was that according to our current set up - he won't disclose that until this Wednesday! So, I can either confront him, which would be rather pointless because it is typical of him to look at porn every other week (right on freakin' schedule) or I can wait to see if he lies to me.

I chose the later, because it would tell me more than just confronting him I believe. So, now I know he's acted out. I'm extra off balance because this is only the third time I've actually SEEN any porn that he's forgotten to delete. Unfortunately, the next day I snooped when I know I shouldn't have in order to see if he'd caught himself and deleted the evidence. That sent me into a fear and anger spiral, like snooping always does when it is not instigated by a prompting. And now I'm trying to dig myself out of it.

Also, I am seriously ashamed of this (which means I need to get it out) I clicked on one of the two links. The thumbnail wasn't pornographic but the title indicated that is was porn. I clicked, and it started, and the volume was up, and I immediately regretted my decision and had a moment of terror as I was trying to turn it off and COULDN'T for a full five seconds because I don't use tablets ever. The sounds and images are burned in my mind and I'm into my fear, sadness, and anger even deeper because of my wrong choice. I am working on repenting of my actions, and surrendering my negative emotions, so I can be free from the chains that are binding me in my anger. It is tough work.

Amidst all this mess I'm still cohabiting with the person I know betrayed me again. It has made my blood boil even more watching the complete 180 in him since he acted out. Wednesday night he was in a pretty depressed state. Thursday night he seemed chipper, calm, patient, loving, affectionate and has been pretty much ever since. I guess life is better when you've properly numbed up all the negative with acting out in your addiction! The thing that gets me is if I hadn't found the porn I would probably have been all these things back to him and we might have even been sexually intimate.

So I've detached a lot this week. We are only having superficial conversations and I'm extra busy with cooking, cleaning, and I have been needing to go to bed early and been purposefully trying to not go to bed at the same time so I'm not asked for any extra curricular activities. I will say it is probably the most successful I've been at detaching and I just need to make it to Wednesday so that is good.

I have also tried to up my self-care by reading my scriptures more, reading a book I have been meaning to get to, long baths with essential oils, painting my nails, naps, and lots of play time with my little boy. Those have all helped me not go nutso this week. My plan to make it to Wednesday is simple - work long hours. Tonight I have a Bachelorette viewing party so I really don't need to spend any time with B and tomorrow night I can figure out something to keep us at a safe distance.

My plan for if he lies to me is to tell him, without specifics, that I know he isn't being truthful. If he continues to lie or goes into addict mode defensiveness or verbal abuse I'll step away from the conversation. If he lies at all I will be buying and installing spy-ware in order to know the extent of his lies. Luckily for me we have therapy the next day, and I have my first solo therapy session as well so I have help coming soon. I am also trying to muster up the courage to kick him out of our bedroom completely if he lies to me, for an undetermined amount of time. I honestly don't know if I have the courage and the self-confidence to do that, but I want to do it. We'll see.

Self-Care, A New Boundary, and how addicts deceive themselves

Yesterday was disclosure day. B actually did it first thing in the morning which was good (the past two weeks he tried to skip it completely). He had acted out the day before, twice, including masturbating in OUR bed while I was at work. He's done this before. I try to not think about it. Yesterday I hit my limit on that one though. After work I spent $200 and got all new bedding, including a darling eyelet dust ruffle, shams, decorative pillow, the works, and new curtains/rods, and a new large piece of art for the bedroom, frames, etc. Then I came home and was on a mission - pulled out the power drill for the curtain rods, re-did the whole bed, hung the new art, moved some decor around, and it was fabulous! The new stuff is bright and yellow and aqua and sunny and happy. 

Then I told B that I have a new boundary. I am asking him to never view pornography or masturbate in our room, in MY ROOM, because I need my room to be a safe place free of his addiction. If he does act out in any way in our room, he will move out of our room and into the baby's room, who will move in with me. I didn't put a time limit but I made clear it would be dresser and all. My bedroom gets to be a safe place gosh darn it! He didn't put up a fight but he is clearly depressed, and mad at himself because of his acting out. I did not force myself to be supportive and encouraging when he first disclosed. I just thanked him for his honesty and went on my way. I am not taking on his negativity, I got yellow bedding instead!

As I was changing the bedding by myself I found a notebook hidden under the mattress. I don't even think he put two and two together when he saw the new bedding that I MUST have found it. I skimmed it to see if it was what I thought it was. It was a journal, with only two entries. In glancing over them I saw it was much more of the criticism he had leveled at me the other day. I didn't read more than a few sentences but he was fuming, and it was all about how I am screwing up life by applying recovery principles to other aspects of life. For a hot second I was raging. By the time my bed was all made though I was calmed, just another example of how addicts deceive themselves into believing things that aren't true. He's so incapable, or scared, of facing the truth of his life that all of his energy lately is spent focusing on me and what he deems to be my mistakes that are causing "damage" to me and to us. HA. 

Watch out mr. addict man. This woman has new happy sheets and you are not about to ruin them with your nasty addiction - and pretty soon that confidence will spill over into other rooms in our home and you'll be fresh out of places to act out without severe consequences! Addict B is so stupid and selfish. Non-addict mode B is awesome. Too bad he can't separate them, because kicking addict B out of our room will also kick the other one out. Hopefully it doesn't come to that but I'm 98.62% sure it will, just a matter of time.

I'm Allergic

So, my body is freaking out. I won't go down the laundry list of things going wrong in the past couple weeks. They are all pretty minor but just coming is such quick succession is annoying. The latest one: This morning I woke up with a crazy rash all over my body. I headed to school and it only got worse. I started panicking; I hate not knowing what is going on with my body! I realized the one thing I'd done differently was use a new loofah last night. I thought I was having an allergic reaction! In 27 years I've NEVER had an allergic reaction but here it is, an itchy, red, bumpy rash all over all of the sudden. I skipped my work after class and came home to take a benadryl and a nap fully expecting it to be gone when I woke up. No such luck, it is getting worse and now I have a low grade fever. I had to skip the volunteer activity I had planned for tonight. Now I've consulted a nurse friend and taken another benadryl with a plan to call the doctor in the morning if it hasn't gone away.

The reason I share this story is I kind of see an analogy of the trauma brought on by our loved ones addictions. I can be going along fine, working hard in my life, finding peace, and then BOOM all of the sudden I don't recognize where I am and have no idea how I got there. Stupid trickle disclosures, or D-day, or just addict mode, or a trashy ad on the TV, or any other kind of trigger. All of the sudden I'm not feeling peace, I'm not exactly sure what to do but I know I can't just ignore the new symptoms.

So, I think about recent events. I look inward. I find a reason for the sudden change. Hooray! If I have a reason then I can name whatever is happening and take steps necessary to remedy it right? I can reach out to my WoPA friends, pray, ponder the gospel, meditate, work on steps. So I get to work. Sure, it takes putting other things on the backburner (like me skipping work and study group today) but it must be done so thems the brakes. (I'm saying this casually, but I actually get quite irked by having to interrupt the things that need to be done to work on healing from something that shouldn't be happening in the first place). I get to work, but after a few scriptures and prays I'm not better. What?! Why do I still feel this way? Why is it getting worse?!

There is still more healing and investigating to be done. And that is how I feel about recovery. I work hard, I find peace, and I get triggered or panicked or new information thrown at me and I have to dig deeper, do more work, more self-assessment, maybe even go to a doctor. But, I do believe there is an answer. There is a healing balm to be had and someday I will be healed and I will be stronger for the experience.

**Post-Note: It turns out I was having a bad reaction to an antibiotic. I'm now have taken a steroid shot, started an oral steroid, and applied a steroid cream. The power of the atonement is even stronger than multiple steroids at combating out trauma and I'm ever grateful for that!

In Honor of Thanksgiving - I'm thankful

I decided to list a few things I'm grateful for in honor of Thanksgiving week. I usually find this practice therapeutic so hopefully I won't feel quite so numb at the end. They aren't in any particular order.

• Chocolate
• Helpful people
• The Plan of Salvation
• A testimony
• People who are nurturers
• My sister
• My son
• A clean house
• Christmas decorations
• Good music
• Downton Abbey
• Living in a time when there is so much WoPA support
• Dr. Pepper
• Inspiration and Revelation
• A car that works
• Email
• The opportunity to get an M.S.
• My parents
• Flowers
• Time off from B
• The atonement
• Did I mention my son?
• B's support of my pursuit of an M.S.
• Hugs
• The atonement

Step One - Part 2

This post is part of my step work through the "Healing Through Christ Manual" in which I answer the questions presented at the end of each step to work my way through what was taught. The "Healing Through Christ" manual can be downloaded for free at healingthroughchrist.org.

Choosing to Take Care of Ourselves

1. As a result of the emotional distress of facing the addiction of a loved one, how have I ignored my own needs and neglected to take care of myself?

Physically I ignored my own need for sleep at one point. I tried to stay up, because if I was up then he wouldn't look and pornography and viola the addiction would be gone. HA. I didn't know enough at that point. When I have struggled emotionally with this I have spent days without showering just in pain, doing nothing, not being productive, not getting out, not taking care of myself at all. At times I've eaten my emotions, which is unhealthy. I've called out of work because of the distress of facing the addiction of my loved one. I've gone to work and performed poorly because of the distress of facing the addiction of my loved one. All unhealthy behaviors.

2. How am I taking care of myself mentally?

Right now I am going to school and focusing on that. It is challenging and invigorating and something that has nothing to do with this addiction. It is wonderful to have my mind active and expanding with something other than knowledge about addiction.

3. How am I taking care of my emotional needs?

This one is going pretty well. I've always been able to identify my emotions and what I am really feeling (1 point parents!). Dealing with them has been a journey but currently I am blogging, journaling, participating in a forum filled with compassionate women who are going through the same thing, I'm actively opening up to my husband when I feel it is safe, and just two days ago I confided in a friend for the FIRST TIME about what I am going through. 

4. How am I taking care of myself phsically?

This one could definitely use some improvement. I do get the rest I need. I'm very selfish with my sleep time because I know that I quickly deteriorate without. I drink lots of water. And sometimes I eat healthy. Clearly exercise needs to become more routine.

5. How am I taking care of myself spiritually?

I pray, I study my scriptures, I write about and talk about what I learn. I am actively trying to magnify my calling. I read or listen to devotionals, general conference talks, and other resources on lds.org. I am seeking out ways to strengthen my relationship with my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost and it is blessing my life immensely. 

6. How have I neglected loving interactions with my family or been unaware of their physical and emotional needs?

Just last week I was super impatient with my 1 year old all day because of the distress I was feeling about the effects of this addiction. I was also in a grumpy mood around my parents and brother and was more rude and short-tempered than I usually would have been. I completely forgot to get together with my best friend TWICE in one week because I was distracted by my emotional turmoil. TWICE I totally stood her up. Thank goodness she is forgiving. 

Self Care

On the forum I frequent for loved ones many people mention self-care and how important it is. As I was reading someone's blog she mentioned that one of her boundaries involves If _____ then I will take time and do one of the things on my self-care list. I LOVE this idea. I've struggled with setting up boundaries partially because nearly all the examples I've seen have involved physical space as the primary or sole consequence (sleeping apart, no intimacy, etc.). Well, I just don't see sleeping apart as being very helpful to me as a consequence at this point. We generally only are intimate if we are close emotionally so that one doesn't really make sense to me right now either. But, taking time to do a self-care item while hubby or someone else watches little man - that makes sense to me. In order to decide on that boundary though (still no idea when it will actually be set or decided on) I need to have a self-care list to begin with. This is the beginning of it - things that help me feel centered, loved, balanced, peaceful, relaxed, calm, an in tune.

• Read my scriptures
• Write in my journal or blog
• Take a long bath
• Go swimming
• Take a walk
• Go for a drive
• Read something uplifting or light-hearted
• Talk to friends and family
• Shower, shave, and do myself up
• Mani/Pedi
• Write a letter to someone
• Play the piano / listen to music
• Take a nap
• Go out with friends/family
• Exercise
• Organize something

It is a start. Maybe now I can think about what some of my boundaries should be. I have set two rights/boundaries already. I will seek out help as I need it, from who I feel I need it from, whether or not that person already knows what is going on. Also, I have the right to a healthy sexual relationship and if I feel it is not healthy for me emotionally, spiritually, or mentally to have sex then I will not do so. Those were tough to set and to tell B about and he didn't take it super well at first but he understands now. We'll see if I feel I need more and either way, I need to do self-care sometimes anyway so I'm glad I have a list!