My husband told me last night he is back to one day sober. Per my boundary we sleep apart after he acts out. He told me he wanted to sleep in the bed. I slept on the couch, which felt like an added betrayal - First you are going to hurt me and then you are going to put your night's rest above mine... Thanks.
I'm grateful that he told me, and he told me sooner than at our agreed upon once a week check in.
I'm grateful to have somewhere to go today.
I'm grateful for other things to focus on (a sister's wedding, my graduate school research)
I'm grateful for scriptures - I am in 3 Nephi right now while I listen on my commute every day. I'm grateful that I am in the middle of Christ speaking.
I'm grateful for my sons.
I'm grateful that my husband was calm this morning.
I'm grateful for Dr. Pepper.
I'm grateful for dark chocolate.
I'm grateful that I have recently been upping my recovery work so I am a bit more prepared for this.
I am trying to focus on things I am grateful for so that these thoughts might drown out the anger and sorrow and emptiness and apathy and frustration and betrayal and keep me from going down the rabbit hole. My husband refuses to answer any questions about his behavior and will only say that he acted out. I have two questions I ask - where were you and where were the kids? He will not answer anything and told me so before I even had a chance to ask. He puts pennies in the trust jar by telling me, ahead of schedule even, and then dumps out a whole handful by following it up with "But no questions and I won't sleep on the couch"... So, I'm a bit confused.
I know I will be okay at some point. That point is not today. I will focus on gratitude and will work to let myself feel all of the emotions and lean into them so I can go through them.
Showing posts with label disclosure. Show all posts
Showing posts with label disclosure. Show all posts
Friday, June 23, 2017
Friday, June 2, 2017
Therapy today did not go super well
This post will probably be some word vomit as I don't have a particular thought to share but lots of feelings.
Today was couples therapy. It was rough. I had put a pin in something until we could discuss it at therapy so we did today. It was about boundaries and safety and 90% of the time was my husband talking very passionately about how he doesn't need to tell me anything, I judge him, he doesn't trust me, he won't tell me things until I have earned his trust (by not being hurt by his disclosures), and I don't respect him, and much more. It is very very hard to not interrupt and prove him wrong on all of his exaggerated accusations but I believe the therapist knows that my husband is viewing it all through an addict lense and the lense of very very very low self-esteem and very high co-dependency so I mostly just let them talk.
Thankfully on the way home we were driving separately. As I drove I sobbed and I screamed at him. It is not my job to fix him, it is not my job to be his soft place to land when he betrays me - he has a sponsor and a wide net of SA friends for this very purpose. I get to have expectations, they are very low, but I still get to have them. I have a right to share my story when I deem fit. This has happened 4 times, total, ever, by me, and he resents every single one of them still apparently because it came up today. It is his story and I stole it, don'tcha know? It is not my job to shield him from the consequences of his actions. It IS my job to work on my own healing. It is my job to set healthy boundaries for myself to protect myself from the addict that he won't protect me from. It IS my job to take care of myself. It IS my job to seek forgiveness even if it doesn't come with trusting him and even if we don't stay together. Forgiveness is for me, not for him.
I find it so ironic, all the things he said about me, when I could give it back to him 100 fold. He referenced how sharing my story was showing a lack of respect for him but it certainly seems like verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and infidelity in the form of pornography are not showing much respect for me. He claimed I told the whole world, it was four people. In his eyes he is certainly the victim. Pretty sure I'm the one who has never sought out pornography. I'm the one who hasn't lied. I'm the one who hasn't used him as a sex toy.
Mostly I'm sad. He was doing really well for so long but he has, for a couple months, been pulling back and wanting to withhold more information and wanting me to "be over it" and "accept him". I'm just sad that I currently don't see a way out of the mess. So much trust has been broken. It really did damage when he told me that he has not been reporting on his seeking out of "soft core" videos and images - because I didn't need to know. We agreed over a year ago that he would disclose this information when I found a bunch a watched "dance" videos on his youtube account while he was purportedly sober. Apparently he changed his mind about what to disclose without telling me.
I am not interested in going backwards. I will not go back to a place of not knowing and ignoring and letting myself get trampled. I have no interest in a married without transparency.
In therapy the therapist asked if we could change the wording from "I expect transparency" to "We are working toward transparency" I said no. I expressed that "we are working toward" is too vague and he agreed that it gives room for justification and no accountability.
We are at an impasse where I don't trust him to tell me what I expect to be told in order to continue working on our marriage and he thinks that I am "stuck" and I need to change and he doesn't need to tell me, the work on our marriage is separate from his disclosures. Neither of us have budged in two months of this discussion.
Today was couples therapy. It was rough. I had put a pin in something until we could discuss it at therapy so we did today. It was about boundaries and safety and 90% of the time was my husband talking very passionately about how he doesn't need to tell me anything, I judge him, he doesn't trust me, he won't tell me things until I have earned his trust (by not being hurt by his disclosures), and I don't respect him, and much more. It is very very hard to not interrupt and prove him wrong on all of his exaggerated accusations but I believe the therapist knows that my husband is viewing it all through an addict lense and the lense of very very very low self-esteem and very high co-dependency so I mostly just let them talk.
Thankfully on the way home we were driving separately. As I drove I sobbed and I screamed at him. It is not my job to fix him, it is not my job to be his soft place to land when he betrays me - he has a sponsor and a wide net of SA friends for this very purpose. I get to have expectations, they are very low, but I still get to have them. I have a right to share my story when I deem fit. This has happened 4 times, total, ever, by me, and he resents every single one of them still apparently because it came up today. It is his story and I stole it, don'tcha know? It is not my job to shield him from the consequences of his actions. It IS my job to work on my own healing. It is my job to set healthy boundaries for myself to protect myself from the addict that he won't protect me from. It IS my job to take care of myself. It IS my job to seek forgiveness even if it doesn't come with trusting him and even if we don't stay together. Forgiveness is for me, not for him.
I find it so ironic, all the things he said about me, when I could give it back to him 100 fold. He referenced how sharing my story was showing a lack of respect for him but it certainly seems like verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and infidelity in the form of pornography are not showing much respect for me. He claimed I told the whole world, it was four people. In his eyes he is certainly the victim. Pretty sure I'm the one who has never sought out pornography. I'm the one who hasn't lied. I'm the one who hasn't used him as a sex toy.
Mostly I'm sad. He was doing really well for so long but he has, for a couple months, been pulling back and wanting to withhold more information and wanting me to "be over it" and "accept him". I'm just sad that I currently don't see a way out of the mess. So much trust has been broken. It really did damage when he told me that he has not been reporting on his seeking out of "soft core" videos and images - because I didn't need to know. We agreed over a year ago that he would disclose this information when I found a bunch a watched "dance" videos on his youtube account while he was purportedly sober. Apparently he changed his mind about what to disclose without telling me.
I am not interested in going backwards. I will not go back to a place of not knowing and ignoring and letting myself get trampled. I have no interest in a married without transparency.
In therapy the therapist asked if we could change the wording from "I expect transparency" to "We are working toward transparency" I said no. I expressed that "we are working toward" is too vague and he agreed that it gives room for justification and no accountability.
We are at an impasse where I don't trust him to tell me what I expect to be told in order to continue working on our marriage and he thinks that I am "stuck" and I need to change and he doesn't need to tell me, the work on our marriage is separate from his disclosures. Neither of us have budged in two months of this discussion.
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
Today I'm Just Mad
Hubs is back to 1 day sober after 2 months, and 3 months before that. The last time he acted out (2 months ago) he was super on the ball about talking to his sponsor, SA contacts, going to/calling into group meetings, and helping me feel safe. This time he told me he'd acted out because he was bored. He said, "I'm sorry" and when I asked he'd told me he had not talked to his sponsor and since that time we've barely spoken in two days.
And I'm just mad. I spent the day at work busting my ass to get a Ph D so I can financially provide for our family since he isn't. I also spent my day thinking of fun date night ideas for us since we haven't been on a nice date in ages and he will be leaving town for Thanksgiving. I even arranged a babysitter and was collecting ideas of new fun things to do. While I was doing this he was watching other women have sex or dance, probably both or whatever he watched, and masturbating. I'm SO PISSED at the irony.
Last night he was talking to my father, the bishop, about a man in need in our ward. Hubs was VERY concerned that this man, who is practically a stranger, is having a hard time with the death of my grandfather, my father's father (who was also in our branch). Yet, my husband basically avoided me and any difficult things I might be feeling because it would be so much more difficult to face the hurt HE caused than it is to be worried over this other guy he barely knows. I'm SO PISSED at the irony.
He is having a hard time getting all his work in because he's taken on an extra freelance job. I'm still barely catching up from when he was out of town for a month. I have worked tons of extra hours in the last two weeks and mostly just crawl in to bed exhausted but he has time to stay up late playing video games and then complains that we don't have someone to watch our son on the days HE is supposed to be watching our son. But on the day that we did have someone watching our son he spent time meant for work on porn and masturbation. I'm SO PISSED at the irony.
In the past few weeks he's been mad at me for wanting to do FHE on Sundays instead of Mondays, and for letting our son watch a Disney cartoon on Sunday, and has given me about 3 lectures on "choosing" happiness. Yet, HE WATCHES PORN on Monday, he gets down enough to act out in his addiction. I'm sorry, by "choose" happiness did you really mean choose your horrible numbing mechanism called lust addiction? I'm confused? I'm SO PISSED at the irony.
On Sunday he talked to our bishop about having an interview tonight for renewing his temple recommend, so he can do temple work for his grandfather while in Utah for Thanksgiving. On Monday he acted out. I'm SO PISSED at the irony.
I did a good job staying numb all day yesterday and focusing on work, but now my shell is cracking when I really still need to be productive. I don't want to go home because I'll see him but I do because I want to see my son.
Stupid addiction.
And I'm just mad. I spent the day at work busting my ass to get a Ph D so I can financially provide for our family since he isn't. I also spent my day thinking of fun date night ideas for us since we haven't been on a nice date in ages and he will be leaving town for Thanksgiving. I even arranged a babysitter and was collecting ideas of new fun things to do. While I was doing this he was watching other women have sex or dance, probably both or whatever he watched, and masturbating. I'm SO PISSED at the irony.
Last night he was talking to my father, the bishop, about a man in need in our ward. Hubs was VERY concerned that this man, who is practically a stranger, is having a hard time with the death of my grandfather, my father's father (who was also in our branch). Yet, my husband basically avoided me and any difficult things I might be feeling because it would be so much more difficult to face the hurt HE caused than it is to be worried over this other guy he barely knows. I'm SO PISSED at the irony.
He is having a hard time getting all his work in because he's taken on an extra freelance job. I'm still barely catching up from when he was out of town for a month. I have worked tons of extra hours in the last two weeks and mostly just crawl in to bed exhausted but he has time to stay up late playing video games and then complains that we don't have someone to watch our son on the days HE is supposed to be watching our son. But on the day that we did have someone watching our son he spent time meant for work on porn and masturbation. I'm SO PISSED at the irony.
In the past few weeks he's been mad at me for wanting to do FHE on Sundays instead of Mondays, and for letting our son watch a Disney cartoon on Sunday, and has given me about 3 lectures on "choosing" happiness. Yet, HE WATCHES PORN on Monday, he gets down enough to act out in his addiction. I'm sorry, by "choose" happiness did you really mean choose your horrible numbing mechanism called lust addiction? I'm confused? I'm SO PISSED at the irony.
On Sunday he talked to our bishop about having an interview tonight for renewing his temple recommend, so he can do temple work for his grandfather while in Utah for Thanksgiving. On Monday he acted out. I'm SO PISSED at the irony.
I did a good job staying numb all day yesterday and focusing on work, but now my shell is cracking when I really still need to be productive. I don't want to go home because I'll see him but I do because I want to see my son.
Stupid addiction.
Friday, June 26, 2015
Is it awkward?
Last night B chose to tell my mother about his addiction. This is a HUGE step for him, and he made the decision 100% on his own. We are living with my folks so having her know will certainly make trying to get to meetings easier.
Before he told her I knew he was considering it and I was looking forward to possibly having some added support but I was also very anxious because she is very much a mama-bear and I was aware that her reaction could have been one that shamed him and got really protective of me. To her credit, that was not her reaction. I wasn't part of the conversation but he said she hugged him, asked if I was aware when we got married, and was supportive.
Interestingly, my reaction is not at all what I anticipated. I was the one who has gotten really anxious now that she knows. What is she thinking? What does she think of me? How will this change things? Is she going to use it against him in an argument? Is she going to pester me with advice? Does she think I chose poorly? yada yada.
I made myself available for her to ask questions later in the evening. Of all the things to ask she said, "Is it awkward?" I wasn't sure what she meant. She meant, is it awkward when you know he's viewed porn. It really surprised me, and not in a good way really. The tone of the conversation, the question, and explanation, made clear that while she isn't necessarily pleased she also is acutely unaware of the pain this has caused me and continues to cause me, as well as how much destruction it has brought to our marriage. Yikes, I guess I was looking for validation a little from her and when I didn't get it and saw that it wasn't going to come it hurt.
I feel let down. I feel alone. I am reminded that unless you've been there most people just don't get it. I must grieve the loss of what I expected to be a support person for me because she will love me, but she won't be able to help and support me. I could be wrong but I feel that if she truly doesn't understand that this is hard for the spouse that it might be best to just let her knowing be a tool for getting to meetings rather than try to delve into my pain with her. So, this whole time I thought "if my mom just knew I'd have another person to help me" and now it looks like that is not the case. I get to grieve that loss and move on with the new reality accepted.
Before he told her I knew he was considering it and I was looking forward to possibly having some added support but I was also very anxious because she is very much a mama-bear and I was aware that her reaction could have been one that shamed him and got really protective of me. To her credit, that was not her reaction. I wasn't part of the conversation but he said she hugged him, asked if I was aware when we got married, and was supportive.
Interestingly, my reaction is not at all what I anticipated. I was the one who has gotten really anxious now that she knows. What is she thinking? What does she think of me? How will this change things? Is she going to use it against him in an argument? Is she going to pester me with advice? Does she think I chose poorly? yada yada.
I made myself available for her to ask questions later in the evening. Of all the things to ask she said, "Is it awkward?" I wasn't sure what she meant. She meant, is it awkward when you know he's viewed porn. It really surprised me, and not in a good way really. The tone of the conversation, the question, and explanation, made clear that while she isn't necessarily pleased she also is acutely unaware of the pain this has caused me and continues to cause me, as well as how much destruction it has brought to our marriage. Yikes, I guess I was looking for validation a little from her and when I didn't get it and saw that it wasn't going to come it hurt.
I feel let down. I feel alone. I am reminded that unless you've been there most people just don't get it. I must grieve the loss of what I expected to be a support person for me because she will love me, but she won't be able to help and support me. I could be wrong but I feel that if she truly doesn't understand that this is hard for the spouse that it might be best to just let her knowing be a tool for getting to meetings rather than try to delve into my pain with her. So, this whole time I thought "if my mom just knew I'd have another person to help me" and now it looks like that is not the case. I get to grieve that loss and move on with the new reality accepted.
Monday, June 1, 2015
Detaching a Bit
This has been a pretty up and down past few days.
Wednesday night is check-in night. Thursday I found porn. Ironically I wasn't really snooping or trying to find anything. I feel that maybe this was the spirit guiding me to tell me something. The problem was that according to our current set up - he won't disclose that until this Wednesday! So, I can either confront him, which would be rather pointless because it is typical of him to look at porn every other week (right on freakin' schedule) or I can wait to see if he lies to me.
I chose the later, because it would tell me more than just confronting him I believe. So, now I know he's acted out. I'm extra off balance because this is only the third time I've actually SEEN any porn that he's forgotten to delete. Unfortunately, the next day I snooped when I know I shouldn't have in order to see if he'd caught himself and deleted the evidence. That sent me into a fear and anger spiral, like snooping always does when it is not instigated by a prompting. And now I'm trying to dig myself out of it.
Also, I am seriously ashamed of this (which means I need to get it out) I clicked on one of the two links. The thumbnail wasn't pornographic but the title indicated that is was porn. I clicked, and it started, and the volume was up, and I immediately regretted my decision and had a moment of terror as I was trying to turn it off and COULDN'T for a full five seconds because I don't use tablets ever. The sounds and images are burned in my mind and I'm into my fear, sadness, and anger even deeper because of my wrong choice. I am working on repenting of my actions, and surrendering my negative emotions, so I can be free from the chains that are binding me in my anger. It is tough work.
Amidst all this mess I'm still cohabiting with the person I know betrayed me again. It has made my blood boil even more watching the complete 180 in him since he acted out. Wednesday night he was in a pretty depressed state. Thursday night he seemed chipper, calm, patient, loving, affectionate and has been pretty much ever since. I guess life is better when you've properly numbed up all the negative with acting out in your addiction! The thing that gets me is if I hadn't found the porn I would probably have been all these things back to him and we might have even been sexually intimate.
So I've detached a lot this week. We are only having superficial conversations and I'm extra busy with cooking, cleaning, and I have been needing to go to bed early and been purposefully trying to not go to bed at the same time so I'm not asked for any extra curricular activities. I will say it is probably the most successful I've been at detaching and I just need to make it to Wednesday so that is good.
I have also tried to up my self-care by reading my scriptures more, reading a book I have been meaning to get to, long baths with essential oils, painting my nails, naps, and lots of play time with my little boy. Those have all helped me not go nutso this week. My plan to make it to Wednesday is simple - work long hours. Tonight I have a Bachelorette viewing party so I really don't need to spend any time with B and tomorrow night I can figure out something to keep us at a safe distance.
My plan for if he lies to me is to tell him, without specifics, that I know he isn't being truthful. If he continues to lie or goes into addict mode defensiveness or verbal abuse I'll step away from the conversation. If he lies at all I will be buying and installing spy-ware in order to know the extent of his lies. Luckily for me we have therapy the next day, and I have my first solo therapy session as well so I have help coming soon. I am also trying to muster up the courage to kick him out of our bedroom completely if he lies to me, for an undetermined amount of time. I honestly don't know if I have the courage and the self-confidence to do that, but I want to do it. We'll see.
Wednesday night is check-in night. Thursday I found porn. Ironically I wasn't really snooping or trying to find anything. I feel that maybe this was the spirit guiding me to tell me something. The problem was that according to our current set up - he won't disclose that until this Wednesday! So, I can either confront him, which would be rather pointless because it is typical of him to look at porn every other week (right on freakin' schedule) or I can wait to see if he lies to me.
I chose the later, because it would tell me more than just confronting him I believe. So, now I know he's acted out. I'm extra off balance because this is only the third time I've actually SEEN any porn that he's forgotten to delete. Unfortunately, the next day I snooped when I know I shouldn't have in order to see if he'd caught himself and deleted the evidence. That sent me into a fear and anger spiral, like snooping always does when it is not instigated by a prompting. And now I'm trying to dig myself out of it.
Also, I am seriously ashamed of this (which means I need to get it out) I clicked on one of the two links. The thumbnail wasn't pornographic but the title indicated that is was porn. I clicked, and it started, and the volume was up, and I immediately regretted my decision and had a moment of terror as I was trying to turn it off and COULDN'T for a full five seconds because I don't use tablets ever. The sounds and images are burned in my mind and I'm into my fear, sadness, and anger even deeper because of my wrong choice. I am working on repenting of my actions, and surrendering my negative emotions, so I can be free from the chains that are binding me in my anger. It is tough work.
Amidst all this mess I'm still cohabiting with the person I know betrayed me again. It has made my blood boil even more watching the complete 180 in him since he acted out. Wednesday night he was in a pretty depressed state. Thursday night he seemed chipper, calm, patient, loving, affectionate and has been pretty much ever since. I guess life is better when you've properly numbed up all the negative with acting out in your addiction! The thing that gets me is if I hadn't found the porn I would probably have been all these things back to him and we might have even been sexually intimate.
So I've detached a lot this week. We are only having superficial conversations and I'm extra busy with cooking, cleaning, and I have been needing to go to bed early and been purposefully trying to not go to bed at the same time so I'm not asked for any extra curricular activities. I will say it is probably the most successful I've been at detaching and I just need to make it to Wednesday so that is good.
I have also tried to up my self-care by reading my scriptures more, reading a book I have been meaning to get to, long baths with essential oils, painting my nails, naps, and lots of play time with my little boy. Those have all helped me not go nutso this week. My plan to make it to Wednesday is simple - work long hours. Tonight I have a Bachelorette viewing party so I really don't need to spend any time with B and tomorrow night I can figure out something to keep us at a safe distance.
My plan for if he lies to me is to tell him, without specifics, that I know he isn't being truthful. If he continues to lie or goes into addict mode defensiveness or verbal abuse I'll step away from the conversation. If he lies at all I will be buying and installing spy-ware in order to know the extent of his lies. Luckily for me we have therapy the next day, and I have my first solo therapy session as well so I have help coming soon. I am also trying to muster up the courage to kick him out of our bedroom completely if he lies to me, for an undetermined amount of time. I honestly don't know if I have the courage and the self-confidence to do that, but I want to do it. We'll see.
Monday, May 11, 2015
Hearing the Drama Triangle in action
We were surrounded by beautiful forest, and sunshine, and a blue sky on our drive to therapy last week. It takes about 35 minutes to get there. Inside the car was basically a dark, black, stuffy cloud of anger, hostility, and drama.
We got into a disagreement about something minor, I can't remember what. He got testy and upset so I got quiet. I hate being trapped in a car while we are arguing. He asked if that was all that was bothering me. I said no but I didn't want to talk about it right now. (I could tell he wasn't a safe place to talk to about what was really bothering me. )
What was bothering me: He had, for the second week in a row, skipped our weekly check-in in which we talk about his addiction, any acting out that has occurred, the recovery effort's we've both made etc. On the advice of our therapist I've agreed to try to let him be the one to bring the topic up so he can "practice using his courage." The check-in didn't happen. We were on our way to therapy and I hadn't heard anything in a week, I was anxious about it. I was fearful of what I didn't know. I was angry that he, yet again, can't keep a simple commitment of once a week check-ins. It seems to me that keeping simple commitments would be a good way for him to show me he is trust-worthy. But, he was on edge and testy and irritable in the car so now was certainly not the time to express my anxiety and fears.
Enter drama triangle tactics from B.
I succumbed and told him what was bothering me. Just as you might expect, it didn't go well. Within five minutes we were screaming at each other. He was pointing and cursing and there was no logic to be found. He would accuse and I would try to re-explain (loudly, and with lots of tears) and it would fall on deaf ears so I would try again (even more loudly, with more tears, and probably some cursing of my own) as he was cursing and yelling. After another couple minutes I stopped talking. I told him I was done talking until we got to therapy and I sat there and sobbed to myself as he continued to berate me.
What was interesting though is once I finally shut up I could hear just how illogical everything he was saying really was. I could hear SO CLEARLY the drama triangle at work. He tried for the first five minutes to pull me back in by persecuting me. When that didn't work he switched to being the victim trying to draw me out into the rescuer role. That is when I really wanted to give in. I wanted to contradict his "I'm so useless. I'm such a failure. Clearly you don't even love me at all since you aren't disagreeing..." etc. I felt myself REALLY wanting to go in and "rescue" but I kept my mouth shut. Eventually he ran out of steam since I wasn't talking, or looking at him, or moving, and we just rode in silence.
It taught me somethings, or rather, reminded me of some things.
1) Always trust yourself. When he doesn't feel safe to open up to, DON'T OPEN UP. If I'd have kept to that prompting it would have been a much easier car ride.
2) When B is in addict mode, he isn't behaving logically, and his arguments are not logical, and it is illogical to try and talk reasonably with him. It is only harming myself to try and reason with him in that state.
3) It takes two to make an argument. I can just stop. I doesn't mean he is right. It doesn't mean I am wrong. It doesn't mean I am weak. It doesn't mean I'm giving up. It means I am taking a break from the conversation because one or both of us are not in the right mind-set to have a productive conversation about this topic.
4) Listening can teach us so much more than talking.
I hate addiction. I hate this addiction. I hate pornography and masturbation. I still love B. I hope that my love for him can last longer than it takes him to get into recovery. I hope that my desire to stay lasts longer than it takes for him to get sober and get serious about making changes. I know I won't just go back to ignoring everything for years like he wants me to do. I don't know what will last longer, the addiction or our marriage.
Friday, April 17, 2015
Sometimes I can deal, sometimes I can't
Therapy has been helpful to us. I would say 6 weeks ago we were both seriously considering (but not admitting to each other) just leaving, or asking the other to leave. We've been in therapy a couple months and now we aren't there anymore, but the addiction is still super present. Weekly check-ins have been weekly disclosures. Typically once a week. I've been able to deal pretty well. I have been at peace, I have been able to not go to negative emotions, I have been able to appropriately (I hope) be loving and supportive but not condoning. He has worked hard to be the one to bring up the check-ins and volunteer the information. This has gone a long way to helping me have some peace. The lying is the WORST so when he volunteers information I know he would rather keep from me I know he is working on things in some small way.
A week ago the disclosure included a twice in one day, that day being Easter. Yikes. Threw me off balance a bit, but I thought I had it under control and was using my healing resources and steps. Then this week it was three days of acting out, in one week. While I was at home. I didn't yell, or shove (I have done both recently) but I also haven't let myself deal. I'm just numbing. I have too much, I have school, a wedding cake, a child, work, a loved one who just found out about her hubs addiction, cleaning, church service, etc. There is not room or time for me to process my emotions because if I let them come, they will pretty much knock me on my bum for a day or two.
So, I've been quiet. I've thought about it on my commutes, but I haven't let all the feelings come up. I'm squashing them with "you should just be fine" and "you've been feeling peace for several weeks, what did you do to cause yourself to lose that peace?" and "stop being so weak and fearful, you are stronger than that" and "he still told you, he went to group, what more can you possibly expect or want at this point?"
I feel lonely even when I know I am not alone. It still feels that way. We made a little progress last night when B let me express some feelings without getting defensive and then showed an increase in love. But then I could feel him shutting down, shutting it out. He didn't bring it up again, he played on his damn tablet while we watched a show, and he didn't saw "I love you" when we went to bed or when I left this morning. Duh, I can't rely on the addict to help me feel not alone. That was my bad, I should know I can't trust him to do that. It is great when he does, but not consistent.
I think I need to read through step one again, surrender. My mantra right now should be feel, and then surrender the feels so there is room for better feels to grow. Feel the feels and then surrender the feels... just how?
A week ago the disclosure included a twice in one day, that day being Easter. Yikes. Threw me off balance a bit, but I thought I had it under control and was using my healing resources and steps. Then this week it was three days of acting out, in one week. While I was at home. I didn't yell, or shove (I have done both recently) but I also haven't let myself deal. I'm just numbing. I have too much, I have school, a wedding cake, a child, work, a loved one who just found out about her hubs addiction, cleaning, church service, etc. There is not room or time for me to process my emotions because if I let them come, they will pretty much knock me on my bum for a day or two.
So, I've been quiet. I've thought about it on my commutes, but I haven't let all the feelings come up. I'm squashing them with "you should just be fine" and "you've been feeling peace for several weeks, what did you do to cause yourself to lose that peace?" and "stop being so weak and fearful, you are stronger than that" and "he still told you, he went to group, what more can you possibly expect or want at this point?"
I feel lonely even when I know I am not alone. It still feels that way. We made a little progress last night when B let me express some feelings without getting defensive and then showed an increase in love. But then I could feel him shutting down, shutting it out. He didn't bring it up again, he played on his damn tablet while we watched a show, and he didn't saw "I love you" when we went to bed or when I left this morning. Duh, I can't rely on the addict to help me feel not alone. That was my bad, I should know I can't trust him to do that. It is great when he does, but not consistent.
I think I need to read through step one again, surrender. My mantra right now should be feel, and then surrender the feels so there is room for better feels to grow. Feel the feels and then surrender the feels... just how?
Friday, March 13, 2015
Good Advice / Bad Advice
We have a vacation coming up. I'm anxious about it because it is somewhere warm and vacation-y during spring break. Mostly, I'm anxious because the last time we were on a vacation together it was not good. It is a pretty bad memory actually. You can read a bit about it here. Anyway, I'm trying to figure out what to do to prepare myself spiritually and emotionally for potential triggers and for the potential that B will get triggered and pull away from me, behave badly, show his resentment toward me.
I want to discuss a little bit of the advice I've received - good and bad.
Good Advice: Affirmations!
I am safe.
I want to discuss a little bit of the advice I've received - good and bad.
Good Advice: Affirmations!
I am safe.
I am in control of myself.
I am strong.
I am beautiful and my body is a gift.
I have more to say about affirmations... but that is for another time. I think they will help me stay grounded and focused.
I have more to say about affirmations... but that is for another time. I think they will help me stay grounded and focused.
Bad Advice (for me, for right now): Go to B with my vulnerability to give him the opportunity to be compassionate.
This came from our therapist this week. So, just to clarify, I think this is probably great advice for couples with an addict further in his recovery, and a couple further in their marital recovery. However, we are neither. When we left therapy I was pretty upset but we drove home separately so I had some time to collect my thoughts. So far the advice in therapy has been geared toward B, which is good. However, it has also caused me to give up most of my boundaries to follow the advice we are given. Some things have been good, but I'm still trying to figure out my methods of finding safety. This week, I was advised to not bring up anything to do with our weekly discussion about pornography in order to give B the opportunity to practice his courage and come to me. What about when I need to talk about something? I previously found safety by speaking my truth when I felt like it and needed to do so. But then was told to only speak about anything related to pornography (and therefore my healing) once a week. That was HARD to agree to but we've been doing it. Now, I'm not even supposed to bring it up? I'm just supposed to let him be courageous? When he has proven that he is mostly not courageous?
Anyway, I was upset. When we got home B asked me what I thought of the session. I decided to test the waters - B and I were in a better place together than we have been in a couple months so I thought I'd see if he can be a safe place for my vulnerability. I shared that I was upset, that I felt like my tools are being taken away and I'm being dismissed. I shared that I am SO scared of what will happen on vacation. B clammed up, stopped looking at me, put his hands in his pockets and backed away from me physically, and got upset. It became about him, and how this made him feel, and how it is so hard for him. He then said we should just have our once a week meeting and disclosed two-days-in-a-row acting out this week. Then teh conversation was pretty much over.
So, my answer - B is NOT a safe place for my vulnerability. I want him to be, but he is not. So, that advice is not good for me for now. I will have to find another place to share myself and continue to try and be detached and superficial with my husband.
I'm disappointed. However, I am finding courage for myself in owning my reality and making the effort to try new advice and then making an informed decision about my safety.
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Could this be progress? Grateful for one day at a time.
I'm not committed to calling it progress, but it is the opposite of a red flag. Maybe a white flag? A white flag to signify a tiny piece of surrendering his addiction?
As I wrote a few days ago we are trying something new - only once a week check-ins which means only talking about anything related to pornography, his addiction, my recovery, his recovery once a week. It has only been two weeks. The first week was crappy. I was mad. I was hurt. I was SO SCARED. It requires me letting go of several of my boundaries. I know this is something we aren't supposed to do - we are supposed to set boundaries and STICK TO THEM! We are supposed to not put our recovery at risk for the addict. I thought that is what I was doing (not convinced otherwise yet actually).
However, I decided to go with it because my bishop and our therapist encouraged this step. They both agreed that right now B is not in a place where he can be totally open, honest, transparent and he is not handling my transparency very well. Not my fault, but this the circumstance. I decided a while ago I am willing to do anything except forsake God to save my marriage. I believe that means I will do anything that I am prompted to do, or not prompted against by the spirit. When the whole "once a week" thing came up and the emotions came up that promise kept playing in my head. Also, I had a moment where I felt very close to the spirit and felt prompted to just go with it despite my fears, and see what happens. This need not be a permanent situation.
The first meeting was not great, but not awful, just very uninformative and short.
The second week has been a little better. I'm trying to trust God, His plan, and if this is His plan for me right now, so be it. B and I grew a little closer, and less contentious during the week because he wasn't so furious with me constantly. I relied on talking to friends, and the Healing Through Christ workbook to get the safety and transparency I want.
Then Wednesday day, the day we are supposed to have "the talk." I was nervous. We actually had a really great day, like best one in a while. I didn't want to have the talk. I didn't want it to be ruined. I had convinced myself to just not bring it up. History has shown that if I don't bring it up, he CERTAINLY won't bring it up.
Then B asked me if we could have our meeting. Okay. He said a prayer. He has to go pee or something so I squeeze in a desperate prayer. Heavenly Father, please help me handle whatever is coming. I don't think I can keep it together, please help me. inthenameofJesusChristamen.
He starts, with a disclosure. He is more specific than usual. Not in a gory details way, in an open and honest way. hmm, this is new, I like it. He answers my few questions. I ask him more about his emotional state before he acted out. He shares with me. He won't look me in the eyes, which is pretty typical behavior for him. Where is my anger? Where is my hurt? Hmm... must be one of those times where it comes later. Why do I feel so peaceful? Why do I feel so close to him? I invite him to come sit by me on the couch as we continue talking. We do. I share with him that I love him, and I give him a hug. I can tell he soaks it in like he desperately needed it. I'm grateful for a post I read the other day about how to support your addict spouse. I'm telling him about things I've learned. He's telling me about things he's learned. He just wants to sit together, and we do. I find the honesty so refreshing and it makes me feel so much closer to B. A small piece of trust has been rebuilt, not all of it, but a small piece.
I tell him he is a good man, and I believe it. He doesn't. His shame is so deeply ingrained. I am mad at his mother, but that doesn't do much good. I talk about the difference between guilt and shame. He nods and wants to believe that this applies to him, that he isn't a bad person. He doesn't believe it, but he wants to believe it.
The "talk" was so filled with vulnerability on both our parts, and honesty, that rather than being drained I am filled with love, peace, and hope. Sometimes I'm reminded that I still love B and there is hope and we have the potential to be great.
As I wrote a few days ago we are trying something new - only once a week check-ins which means only talking about anything related to pornography, his addiction, my recovery, his recovery once a week. It has only been two weeks. The first week was crappy. I was mad. I was hurt. I was SO SCARED. It requires me letting go of several of my boundaries. I know this is something we aren't supposed to do - we are supposed to set boundaries and STICK TO THEM! We are supposed to not put our recovery at risk for the addict. I thought that is what I was doing (not convinced otherwise yet actually).
However, I decided to go with it because my bishop and our therapist encouraged this step. They both agreed that right now B is not in a place where he can be totally open, honest, transparent and he is not handling my transparency very well. Not my fault, but this the circumstance. I decided a while ago I am willing to do anything except forsake God to save my marriage. I believe that means I will do anything that I am prompted to do, or not prompted against by the spirit. When the whole "once a week" thing came up and the emotions came up that promise kept playing in my head. Also, I had a moment where I felt very close to the spirit and felt prompted to just go with it despite my fears, and see what happens. This need not be a permanent situation.
The first meeting was not great, but not awful, just very uninformative and short.
The second week has been a little better. I'm trying to trust God, His plan, and if this is His plan for me right now, so be it. B and I grew a little closer, and less contentious during the week because he wasn't so furious with me constantly. I relied on talking to friends, and the Healing Through Christ workbook to get the safety and transparency I want.
Then Wednesday day, the day we are supposed to have "the talk." I was nervous. We actually had a really great day, like best one in a while. I didn't want to have the talk. I didn't want it to be ruined. I had convinced myself to just not bring it up. History has shown that if I don't bring it up, he CERTAINLY won't bring it up.
Then B asked me if we could have our meeting. Okay. He said a prayer. He has to go pee or something so I squeeze in a desperate prayer. Heavenly Father, please help me handle whatever is coming. I don't think I can keep it together, please help me. inthenameofJesusChristamen.
He starts, with a disclosure. He is more specific than usual. Not in a gory details way, in an open and honest way. hmm, this is new, I like it. He answers my few questions. I ask him more about his emotional state before he acted out. He shares with me. He won't look me in the eyes, which is pretty typical behavior for him. Where is my anger? Where is my hurt? Hmm... must be one of those times where it comes later. Why do I feel so peaceful? Why do I feel so close to him? I invite him to come sit by me on the couch as we continue talking. We do. I share with him that I love him, and I give him a hug. I can tell he soaks it in like he desperately needed it. I'm grateful for a post I read the other day about how to support your addict spouse. I'm telling him about things I've learned. He's telling me about things he's learned. He just wants to sit together, and we do. I find the honesty so refreshing and it makes me feel so much closer to B. A small piece of trust has been rebuilt, not all of it, but a small piece.
I tell him he is a good man, and I believe it. He doesn't. His shame is so deeply ingrained. I am mad at his mother, but that doesn't do much good. I talk about the difference between guilt and shame. He nods and wants to believe that this applies to him, that he isn't a bad person. He doesn't believe it, but he wants to believe it.
The "talk" was so filled with vulnerability on both our parts, and honesty, that rather than being drained I am filled with love, peace, and hope. Sometimes I'm reminded that I still love B and there is hope and we have the potential to be great.
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