Implementing Boundaries and The Principle of Reaping What You Sow

My last post was pretty down. I was pretty down. It was therapeutic to get it all out. I want to feel safe. I realized during the day that partly what I had done was not stick to my boundaries when the most recent lie came out. I immediately started trying to make him feel better at the expense of my own sanity. I held on for a couple days but the trauma magnified and I became lost. I lost my footing, my path, and my sanity.

There was some pretty intense praying yesterday and lots of digging deep. If I had neglected my boundaries I really needed to put some in place now to reestablish my safety zone (emotionally speaking). All the way home on my commute I was contemplating what to say to B. I decided on 2 important things - there needed to be a physical separation of sleeping apart for a time in order for me to heal more fully from my most recent betrayal and there needed to be a halt on all sex until I could trust him again.

This second one was big for me folks. It is SO OBVIOUS and everyone knows that trust must be earned back once it has been broken. We all know this. When someone shows you who they are, believe them right?  B had showed me over the past couple months he was not capable of being completely truthful where his addiction is concerned. So, why, OH WHY did I keep trusting him? After each find I would take a couple days and then just trust him again. I would believe that I finally had the whole truth, and now I must really know everything. Two weeks go by and BAM, something else, on now I must really know EVERYTHING. Trust. Time. BAM - MORE HIDDEN THINGS UNCOVERED.

Well, I've lost count but maybe this time is the charm. I actually gave myself permission on the way home to NOT trust him when it comes to the addiction. I long ago stopped believing he was not going to look at porn again but for some reason I kept believing he was telling me the full extent of his addiction. I don't know why, rose colored glasses? I never gave myself permission to not trust him because I was scared that not trusting meant something dreadful. It might mean the marriage is over, or trust could never be regained, or that it is worse than I can even know. I was scared that not trusting him made me a bad wife. I wasn't giving him the benefit of the doubt or being charitable. I give myself permission to NOT trust him. I give him permission to EARN my trust back rather than have it handed to him. I told him that he must earn my trust back if he wants it. I told him sex was off the table until that point. I told him we are sleeping apart for a week for me to continue to heal from the betrayal of the lies. It didn't go well, but it could have gone worse. He reacted like an addict, who has been caught, and who doesn't want to face his own reality. This is fine, because that is the place he is in and I can't really expect more than that.

Then something wonderful happened - I felt the burden I'd been carrying around for the past while lift off my shoulders and I could almost see it land on him. The burden of trust is on the person with whom it belongs. If he behaves in a trustworthy manner I will give him my trust back, but not before he has shown efforts in behaving that way.

I know this addiction is SO MUCH for the addict. It is also SO MUCH for the spouse. I feel like he is constantly piling crap on me that I have to sort through and dig out of and clean up from (I LOVE Harriet's post about this imagery). Well, yesterday I got out of the pile and shoved ALL THAT SHIT right back on him. It is his mess to deal with, he has to deal with it. I'm doing neither of us any favors by trying to take some of his crap on myself and get buried by it. It just seemed like I was finally getting out of the way of the principle of reaping what you sow. It felt good.

The other miracle? When I got out of the way and put all that crap back on him it freed me from the chains of despair, bitterness, blame, anger, confusion, and frustration that were tying me down with much more force than I realized. (*mote and beam people*) I was so consumed I couldn't see which way was up and I didn't even know it. I was finally able to see B, and know that I had just piled a bunch of crap on him, and love him and want him to find his way out, but NOT want to rescue him from it. I was able to love him more fully and clearly because I wasn't trying to sort through stuff that wasn't mine. My negative feelings toward him dissipated completely because I finally had done what I had been directed to do for myself by the Savior and was filled with His peace and love.

I'm not saying I'm perfect and I know I won't be able to stay here forever, but I just wanted to write about it. In this moment I an content. My marriage is on the brink of disaster, my husband is in full fledged addict mode and I'm not sure if he can dig himself out any time soon, I still have that daggum rash, but I have peace. I have the companionship of the spirit of the Lord and it is sweet, and kind, and I am not alone.

I Want To Feel Safe

About a week ago I discovered another lie of deliberate omission by my husband. It was the most recent in a round of one ever few weeks since maybe mid-November. I've lost count I just know that for a few months now, for the first time in our marriage, I've actually caught lies. For a while I was okay getting over them in a decent amount of time. Then I started questioning why I'm finding so many. I still believe maybe the Lord saw fit that it was time I knew a little more of the truth.

For the last week I've been trying the "fake it til you make it" route on trusting B. I thought that if I could just move on and act like I trust him and force myself to believe him then I would and I'd be able to skip on the trauma mode portion of the cycle. I've not done a good job. I have asked EVERY SINGLE day if he's looked at anything, which is WAY out of my norm. I usually don't ask, I expect him to tell me. And the asking isn't helping because when he says "No" I immediately think, "Yeah, right, you're lying, asshole."

Turns out you can't force trust. Turns out this lie might have been the straw that broke the camel's back as far as some serious boundary considering. I'm considering having him move out of the bedroom. I've implemented a couple nights apart plenty of times for acting out and lying. I've never actually made it a quasi-permanent situation. I'm not sure if I want to. It is the boundary I first thought of when this happened a week ago but I have been going back and forth because I don't know if it is because that would make me feel more safe or I want to punish him.

I want to feel safe. I also want to punish him. In the moment I want him to hurt like I do. I want him to FEEL. I want to break him like has broken me. I want him to see all my worth and know that he's nearly lost me. I want him to actually CARE about something more than pornography. I want him to actually get his work done and help support us financially in the way he is supposed to be doing. I want him to ask me on a damn date. I want him to fall over himself making it up to me. I want him to go to meetings, and read books, and do the steps. And therein lies my problem. Aside from the first one, all these things are for HIM to do and I can't force HIM to do anything. 

So, back to the first one. I want to feel safe. How do I feel safe if I can't trust my spouse to simply tell the truth. There have been so many times he assured me I know everything. The lies that I've uncovered so far haven't been things worse in nature than what I already knew. In fact they are all a little less bad in nature but they are still acting in his addiction and they were all kept from me because "they aren't all the way acting out." So the women weren't FULLY nude. Or it was just "dancing." Or, it is "reference" for his art. Or I wasn't told because it is "better" that he didn't hurt me so much by telling me.

I need to take control of my life back from this stupid addiction. I want to feel safe. But how?

When I Finally Realized I'm Grateful for My Pancake Bottom

Warning, I'm talking about one particular thing that is prevelant in B's addiction so this might get triggery for some people.

A little background, my entire family (parents and all my siblings) have great bottoms. They are nice and round and perky. I have a pancake butt. All my pants are saggy where my butt is supposed to be. Underwear is baggy too, so uncomfortable. I've always been jealous of my family for this reason. This jealousy only increased when I found out that B is a butt guy. I knew this before I knew about pornography addiction just from those silly conversations you have when you're dating and engaged. I thought, I'm so glad he loves me even though I don't have what he likes! BARF, I know.

Over the years every single time I've found evidence there has been a focus on large butts. This partly why the whole Kim Kardashian nekked pictures were so triggering for me. And anything with J. Lo. And the fact that B has a celebrity crush on Beyonce. Also, my sister in tight pants with B around has also caused panic even though I hate myself for admitting it because she is the sweetest, kindest, most joyful and caring person I know. 

Today the spirit whispered a sweet something to me through an impression. Maybe it is a blessing that I am not blessed in that way. I don't have to face the trigger of my OWN bottom and his feelings about it near as much as I would if mine looked like the pictures and videos I've found. Sure, addicts will take what they can get and I know I've been objectified by B but I just also am so happy to also know that I don't have his biggest trigger. It is a weird feeling of having finally noticed a tiny piece of divine protection that I was blessed with. 

This might sound crazy but oh well. Today I learned to love my pancake butt!

I'm Allergic

So, my body is freaking out. I won't go down the laundry list of things going wrong in the past couple weeks. They are all pretty minor but just coming is such quick succession is annoying. The latest one: This morning I woke up with a crazy rash all over my body. I headed to school and it only got worse. I started panicking; I hate not knowing what is going on with my body! I realized the one thing I'd done differently was use a new loofah last night. I thought I was having an allergic reaction! In 27 years I've NEVER had an allergic reaction but here it is, an itchy, red, bumpy rash all over all of the sudden. I skipped my work after class and came home to take a benadryl and a nap fully expecting it to be gone when I woke up. No such luck, it is getting worse and now I have a low grade fever. I had to skip the volunteer activity I had planned for tonight. Now I've consulted a nurse friend and taken another benadryl with a plan to call the doctor in the morning if it hasn't gone away.

The reason I share this story is I kind of see an analogy of the trauma brought on by our loved ones addictions. I can be going along fine, working hard in my life, finding peace, and then BOOM all of the sudden I don't recognize where I am and have no idea how I got there. Stupid trickle disclosures, or D-day, or just addict mode, or a trashy ad on the TV, or any other kind of trigger. All of the sudden I'm not feeling peace, I'm not exactly sure what to do but I know I can't just ignore the new symptoms.

So, I think about recent events. I look inward. I find a reason for the sudden change. Hooray! If I have a reason then I can name whatever is happening and take steps necessary to remedy it right? I can reach out to my WoPA friends, pray, ponder the gospel, meditate, work on steps. So I get to work. Sure, it takes putting other things on the backburner (like me skipping work and study group today) but it must be done so thems the brakes. (I'm saying this casually, but I actually get quite irked by having to interrupt the things that need to be done to work on healing from something that shouldn't be happening in the first place). I get to work, but after a few scriptures and prays I'm not better. What?! Why do I still feel this way? Why is it getting worse?!

There is still more healing and investigating to be done. And that is how I feel about recovery. I work hard, I find peace, and I get triggered or panicked or new information thrown at me and I have to dig deeper, do more work, more self-assessment, maybe even go to a doctor. But, I do believe there is an answer. There is a healing balm to be had and someday I will be healed and I will be stronger for the experience.

**Post-Note: It turns out I was having a bad reaction to an antibiotic. I'm now have taken a steroid shot, started an oral steroid, and applied a steroid cream. The power of the atonement is even stronger than multiple steroids at combating out trauma and I'm ever grateful for that!

And then there were two - addicts in the house

We are living with my parents while I am in graduate school. My teenage brother is still at home too. Last Thursday B acted out - and I crashed and burned in response because I didn't stay in a safe place long enough (see my last post). Then on Saturday morning I discovered that my brother most likely has the same addiction. My toddler got on his phone internet (thankfully NOT anything inappropriate) but I just felt like clicking over to the history so I did. For the last month 95% of the sites visited were pornography and there were dozens and dozens of sites.

I can see now that I immediately numbed. I went into busy mode of tasks: 1) search for help for parents, 2) tell my parents, separately because my dad knows about B and my mom doesn't so it would be a different kind of conversation, 3) send resources to parents 4) comfort my mother 5) work in the afternoon. I stayed calm throughout the day and even into Sunday morning. B was still distant and unsupportive and involved in his own thoughts. I got home from church and felt my numbness starting to crumble even though I really did NOT want it to crumble. I found myself super curious about when my parents would talk to my brother and what they would say and what he would say and I wanted to tell him I loved him but I also wanted to through his phone across the room and then take a hammer to it. I wanted to hug him and support him and I wanted to kick his shins, and yell, and call out every single lie my parents were going to buy. I was sure he would lie because that is what addicts do and that is what he has been known to do. I was sure my parents were going to believe them because while they aren't stupid they also aren't versed in addiction. I wanted to scream and cry and break things so badly but I just sat, I had dinner, visited, cleaned. I played with my son.

At one point I knew my parents had talked to my brother but when they were done he seemed happy. He was chipper and energetic and just talking about his plans for the evening and making jokes. This was certainly not the behavior of someone who had just fully confessed his deepest darkest secrets to his parents. This was not the behavior of someone preparing to make huge adjustments in his life. This was not the behavior of someone who had faced the truth of his problem. This was the behavior of my brother, making light of things, and business has usual. I cautiously asked my parents how it went and only got a "good" and "he said what I expected." I know they are now keeping it between them and my brother. That is fine. Just because I discovered it doesn't mean I need to be involved in anything else. If I am honest with myself it is BETTER that I'm not involved with anything else. In the moment when it became clear I was being cut off from any information the last of my numbness crumbled.

I am hurt. I am hurt by my husband's actions. I'm hurt more by his inability to empathize, or think of me, or support me, or even spend a few minutes helping me. I'm feeling lonely and surrounded by filth knowing that two of the three men in my house are regularly viewing smut. I'm feeling lonely because I can't help my mom and share all that I have learned because she doesn't know why I would know anything about this addiction. I'm fearful that nothing will change. Both B and my brother will continue to harm themselves and their loved ones by selfishly indulging in their compulsions and not seeking help. I'm overwhelmed.

Last night I was feeling all this yuck and when I was visiting with B while he had a video game on he asked me how I was doing. He didn't even look at me or turn off the game so I knew it wasn't safe to truly share with him. So I told him I didn't think I wanted to talk about. To his credit after a few moments he turned off the game and came and found me. He wasn't very excited about it, and he definitely gave the strong vibe he was asking out of obligation instead of true concern but I took his actions as a message that I could share. So I did, and I ugly cried, and I spilled my heart. He held my hand, and said he was sorry for the pain. And then while I kept talking (mind you, it had barely been 10 minutes), he fell asleep. I stopped talking, and a few minutes later he opened his eyes and said, "What was that?" CLEARLY he was not actually a safe space right now. I clammed up and made light and excused myself to bed. He chose to stay up and play more video games.

TRIGGER!!! Seriously, he can't stay awake for ten minutes of me being my most vulnerable and in need but as soon as I'm done he will stay awake to play video games. I cried myself to sleep for the second night in a row. The thing that gets me the most is just how selfish this addiction makes people. They cannot see past themselves.

On my way to work today I heart the Carrie Underwood song "Something In the Water" which I love. If you haven't listened to it, please do. It reminded me that my Savior is still there, waiting for me to ask for help. And while I'll still hurt, he can help me move to a place of peace and acceptance and eternal perspective. And he will listen, and stay awake for as long as I need to talk to Him. In this moment I just realized that He gets that feeling because his disciples fell asleep when He needed them most too. He understands.

Matthew 26: 36-44:

 36 Then cometh Jesus with them unto a place called Gethsemane, and saith unto the disciples, Sit ye here, while I go and pray yonder.

 37 And he took with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, andbegan to be sorrowful and very heavy.

 38 Then saith he unto them, My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death: tarry ye here, and watch with me.

 39 And he went a little further, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.

 40 And he cometh unto the disciples, and findeth them asleep, and saith unto Peter, What, could ye not watch with me one hour?

 41 Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.

 42 He went away again the second time, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if this cup may not pass away from me, except I drink it, thy will be done.

 43 And he came and found them asleep again: for their eyes were heavy.

 44 And he left them, and went away again, and prayed the third time, saying the same words. 

The Savior can help us no matter our pain, and we are never alone unless we choose to be alone.

A reminder of why I have boundaries

A couple days ago I was having the kind of day that would really have been made better by a supportive help-meet. Instead I got a disclosure. I felt very let down. It seems that when I most need or want B's support he is unavailable to me due to being in addict mode. We slept apart per my boundary. The next day was tough but I was still needing some support of my own for unrelated things. I decided to go out on a limb and give B the opportunity to be a help-meet. I got burned. In retrospect I turned toward him too quickly after a disclosure.

We went on a planned date and it wasn't lovey-dovey but it was nice. I decided that this time one night apart was enough (the boundary I've been using is at least one night, maybe more, which has usually ended up being 2 or 3). I decided I would open myself up to being vulnerable because I just really really wanted to have a good hug and get the support I needed this week and I had hope that he could do that. I still thought he might be able to be the husband I wanted so desperately to help me get through the week. I told him he could sleep in the bed and before I could get my next sentence out he told me he didn't think he should. BURN. When I closed the door to my room I kind of fell to the floor with the ugly cry, and it caused a nose-bleed. That is what I get for thinking Mr. Addict could pull through for me. After another conversation today he is not feeling very much love toward me right now. This is common right before or after acting out. He gets hung up on maybe there is something better out there, or on the things I do that bug him, or on my weight. So, he slept apart because he didn't like me enough to sleep next to me. It is a blow to my ego but honestly I brought this upon myself.

I have boundaries for a reason, sleeping apart was to save me from Mr. Addict for a couple nights of peace and self-care. I turned toward him too soon and didn't find B there to support me I found Mr. Addict there to judge me, and shun me, and think only of himself. One of the things I hate most about this addiction is it robs me of the support I thought I was getting when I got married. Mr. Addict always seems to visit when I REALLY would like my husband around. Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, a death in the family, illness, deteriorating friendships, stressful weeks at work or school have all happened with Mr. Addict living with me.

Today I'm pretty deflated. It kind of sucks when your spouse tells you they do love you like they are trying to convince themselves and follows it with saying not right now (in so many words). I wrote a while back about a wrecking ball that knocks down the relationship we're trying to build and I keep trying to help build the wall that is our relationship when I know a wrecking ball is coming and it will continue to knock me down. Isn't that the definition of crazy? Last week's disclosure I was not in the way of the wrecking ball and felt very well and whole. This one got me, I've been knocked flat of my ass. Even though I can't rely on B right now for even non-addiction related support I know I can always rely on my Savior to help pick me back up.

Slated for the rest of the weekend: self-care, scriptures, prayer, more self-care, sleeping apart, letting the atonement of the Savior work on my heart to heal and fill with hope and love again.

Step Two: Emotional Healing (Surrendering my Fears)

Fear is so powerful. When I am feeling fearful I can hardly focus on anything else. I become immobilized. There is still a lot I fear, especially where this addiction is concerned. 

I am afraid that I will need to leave B at some point.

I am afraid that B will leave me.

I am afraid that we'll make it through this life but we won't be able to be together in the next.

I am afraid of how this addiction will affect my son.

I am afraid that B will never be sober or overcome his addiction.

I am afraid of the addiction escalating to more than it is now.

So, what will happen if some of all of these things come true? In the scriptures Job says:

Job 3:25 "For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me"

And you know what, he survived. He has now become a shining example of faith and perseverance and trust in God. The thing which he GREATLY FEARED happened. And he was okay. Even if all the things on my list happen, I know that I will be okay because the Savior is on my side and has gone before me. 

One of my best friends had to leave a marriage filled with this lust addiction, infidelity, emotional abuse, and physical abuse. When she got married it was in the temple, full of hope, and love, and trust. I daresay that some of her greatest fears were similar to the ones I've listed and she had to live them and so much more. And I watched it shake her to the very core. It shook her self-esteem, her testimony, her trust in herself, her emotional well-being. But then I watched her overcome. I watched her choose to rely on the Savior even when she wasn't sure if it would help. I watched her choose to go to church when people were judging her divorce. I watched her learn to love again and trust again with the Savior's help. The world is chalk-full of stories of people who have faced their greatest fears and who have SURVIVED and even THRIVED. 

If I leave B, or if B leaves me, or if our son has emotional scars, or if B is never sober, or he does other things that hurt me, I will SURVIVE and I will THRIVE because Heavenly Father has a plan for me and that includes sending His Son to die for me so that I can survive and thrive. My Savior understands, and He knows, and He will help to heal me, to put me back together, and to make me whole should I have to face my fears. 

Step Two - Part 1: Spiritual Healing

As I was reading through step two there was so much that pulled at my heart, and rang true, and touched my spirit.

Yesterday I felt unsure about whether B's assurance that he hadn't acted out recently was true. I'm still not sure if it is true. So, I went snooping. I'm not proud of it really, but I just wanted to see if there was something I should know. Recently I've been led to evidence of his lies and thought maybe I'd find more. I found something from 2 full years ago so that wasn't evidence of a lie, but it wasn't fun to find either. I also found videos that weren't porn but certainly weren't appropriate that had been viewed somewhat recently but I can't tell when. It kind of threw me a little. Basically, I think he has probably been qualifying what is porn and what isn't when I ask and has deemed this type of thing not necessary to disclose. So, more evidence of lies. Yikes. This could have led me down a dark path emotionally and spiritually but for some reason although there are still emotions to process I didn't feel the kind of despair I was expecting. I fully give credit to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I've stuck, so far, to my resolution to read some scripture ever day and so yesterday I had and was fortified with the gospel of Christ against feelings of hopelessness and despair. I was able to see more clearly the choices before me of reaction versus response and I was able to go to my Heavenly Father in prayer.

A quote that really struck me in this step under the "Spiritual Healing" subtitle was one by Elder Bednar: “There is no physical pain, no anguish of soul, no suffering of spirit, no infirmity or weakness that you or I ever experience during our mortal journey that the Savior did not experience first. You and I in a moment of weakness may cry out, ‘No one understands. No one knows.’ No human being, perhaps, knows. But the Son of God perfectly knows and understands, for He felt and bore our burdens before we ever did. And because He paid the ultimate price and bore that burden, He has perfect empathy and can extend to us His arm of mercy in so many phases of our life. He can reach out, touch and succor—literally run to us—and strengthen us to be more than we could ever be and help us to do that which we could never do through relying only upon our own power.”

I pictured my Savior literally running to me as I fall to the floor in emotional and spiritual pain. I pictured Him hugging me and just understanding my pain and being concerned with just me in that moment. I know that He understands. I know that He can succor us and empathize and understand. I know that although I feel alone sometimes I am never alone unless I choose to be alone. Someday this trial will all make sense and I will see how I have been purified by the refiner's fire and been made better by my journey.

In recognition of the tender mercies of the Lord I would like to say that I went to bed unsure last night of how I would feel this morning and how I would interact with B. He chose to sleep separate because he'd stayed up late - meaning he CHOSE to adhere to a boundary that he has been disregarding about bed-time. Miracle. And this morning he gave me a big embrace and just held me, like he meant it, and he tenderly told me he loved me before I told him. That doesn't happen all that often. His tender moments aren't his forte and it just spoke to my soul that although there are things I can't trust I do know that he loves me and that Heavenly Father and my Savior love me and are aware of me. They knew I needed a little extra reassurance this morning and gave it to me without me having to bring anything up.

Happy New Year - Resolutions

Image from the Library of Congress (http://www.loc.gov/pictures/)

It's a new year! I think most of us get reflective around the new year - contemplating our last year, the good, the bad, the happy and sad. We also tend to get excited at the possibility of a fresh start, a new beginning, and a renewed motivation. I'm no different and I do love setting New Year's resolutions. I've actually stuck to several in the past few years (and didn't stick to many more).

In relation to my dealing with B's addiction a LOT has changed in the past year. In the spring is when I decided enough is enough and set my first boundaries. I finally decided to just go after my own emotional health and well-being whether or not he was going to be sober or seek recovery. I read books, I joined a forum, I started a blog, I set more boundaries, I STUCK to boundaries, I talked and talked and talked, I told a friend for the first time, I reach out and met another WoPA in person (which was SO great and a source of so much strength - thank you Ashley from Memoirs of a Goddess in Training). I learned so much about the world of pornography addiction and the effects on the addict and spouse and family. I started working through the 12-steps of the Healing Through Christ manual. I feel that lots was done but I am still at the beginning of my journey. There is more healing yet to be found. On that note I've set a couple spiriutality/recovery-related resolutions:

1. Read my scriptures every day. It has to be at least one verse. I've never stuck to a daily routine for longer than a month or so but it makes SUCH a big difference so I am determined!
2. Work on step-work at least one every two weeks. I thought about setting the goal of finishing the steps this year but I think it shouldn't be quite so rigid. I just want to make a concerted effort to be consistent.

There is more I want to do but I believe is setting myself up for success so I'll stop there. I hope that all my WoPA sister's can find a moment of joy in their reflections of the past year and a sliver of hope as they look forward to a new year that is waiting to be filled with moments of strength, faith, and triumph.