Therapy today did not go super well

This post will probably be some word vomit as I don't have a particular thought to share but lots of feelings.

Today was couples therapy. It was rough. I had put a pin in something until we could discuss it at therapy so we did today. It was about boundaries and safety and 90% of the time was my husband talking very passionately about how he doesn't need to tell me anything, I judge him, he doesn't trust me, he won't tell me things until I have earned his trust (by not being hurt by his disclosures), and I don't respect him, and much more. It is very very hard to not interrupt and prove him wrong on all of his exaggerated accusations but I believe the therapist knows that my husband is viewing it all through an addict lense and the lense of very very very low self-esteem and very high co-dependency so I mostly just let them talk.

Thankfully on the way home we were driving separately. As I drove I sobbed and I screamed at him. It is not my job to fix him, it is not my job to be his soft place to land when he betrays me - he has a sponsor and a wide net of SA friends for this very purpose. I get to have expectations, they are very low, but I still get to have them. I have a right to share my story when I deem fit. This has happened 4 times, total, ever, by me, and he resents every single one of them still apparently because it came up today. It is his story and I stole it, don'tcha know? It is not my job to shield him from the consequences of his actions. It IS my job to work on my own healing. It is my job to set healthy boundaries for myself to protect myself from the addict that he won't protect me from. It IS my job to take care of myself. It IS my job to seek forgiveness even if it doesn't come with trusting him and even if we don't stay together. Forgiveness is for me, not for him.

I find it so ironic, all the things he said about me, when I could give it back to him 100 fold. He referenced how sharing my story was showing a lack of respect for him but it certainly seems like verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and infidelity in the form of pornography are not showing much respect for me. He claimed I told the whole world, it was four people.  In his eyes he is certainly the victim. Pretty sure I'm the one who has never sought out pornography. I'm the one who hasn't lied. I'm the one who hasn't used him as a sex toy.

Mostly I'm sad. He was doing really well for so long but he has, for a couple months, been pulling back and wanting to withhold more information and wanting me to "be over it" and "accept him". I'm just sad that I currently don't see a way out of the mess. So much trust has been broken. It really did damage when he told me that he has not been reporting on his seeking out of "soft core" videos and images - because I didn't need to know. We agreed over a year ago that he would disclose this information when I found a bunch a watched "dance" videos on his youtube account while he was purportedly sober. Apparently he changed his mind about what to disclose without telling me.

I am not interested in going backwards. I will not go back to a place of not knowing and ignoring and letting myself get trampled. I have no interest in a married without transparency.

In therapy the therapist asked if we could change the wording from "I expect transparency" to "We are working toward transparency" I said no. I expressed that "we are working toward" is too vague and he agreed that it gives room for justification and no accountability.

We are at an impasse where I don't trust him to tell me what I expect to be told in order to continue working on our marriage and he thinks that I am "stuck" and I need to change and he doesn't need to tell me, the work on our marriage is separate from his disclosures. Neither of us have budged in two months of this discussion.

Pregnant! Wowza - triggers!

Big new on the homefront. I'm pregnant! We are excited. I am not sick (yet). It is still pretty early, maybe 7 weeks. Last time I didn't get sick until around 8 weeks so we'll see. :) My last pregnancy was generally a good one. I was sick the entire time (except weeks 17-20) but I was so grateful to be pregnant after struggling with infertility that it really was GREAT!

There were some hurts I experienced during pregnancy and soon after baby boy was born that I thought I had worked through, but I am now thinking I had simply buried them. Since I found out a few weeks ago that I am pregnant I have really been on edge emotionally. All the emotions that I buried are flooding back.

See, I didn't start sticking up for myself and setting boundaries and demanding change until around 4 months after baby boy was born. So, the pregnancy was still in the full throws of dishonesty, vague answers, misleading, minimizing, and hiding behaviors by B. I knew he was looking at porn but I was ignoring it, and he was minimizing if I did bring it up, and I was ignoring my intuition. We were sexually active most of the pregnancy. A few times I was told that he didn't want to be physical because of how I looked. Ouch. And you know the six weeks after birth where sex is a no-no? Well, there were lots of favors asked of me to which I generally obliged. At the time I was just happy that he was finding me attractive again "because [my] waist was returning." Now, well, I feel like I was so incredibly used. I feel like I was blind and stupid for ignoring everything. I feel like I was just an object. I feel like I was only valued in accordance with my physical appearance.

When I started standing up for myself our marriage started getting worse. I'd heard that it gets better before it gets worse. Oh boy, does that ring true for us. We spent a year getting more distant, more volatile, and with me pulling more things out into the open. We started therapy a few months ago and stopped moving backwards and a month or so ago we even started moving forward.

I will say that for the last month B has been sober and very aggressively seeking recovery. Meetings, sponsors, contacts, phone calls, reading, studying, watching videos, the whole bit. He is doing pretty well and sticking to it so far and working on continuously being humble in response to my hurt. And maybe the added level of safety from him is allowing more emotions to come to the surface too.

Whatever the reason, the emotions are there and I am hurting and I am in pain and I am so so angry about all of it. It is so much easier to just keep him at arms length, keep my walls up, and not face the hurt. It is so deep. I don't know if I am ready to face it. I let one brick from my wall come down this morning and it was hard. We hugged for the first time all week.

Detaching a Bit

This has been a pretty up and down past few days.

Wednesday night is check-in night. Thursday I found porn. Ironically I wasn't really snooping or trying to find anything. I feel that maybe this was the spirit guiding me to tell me something. The problem was that according to our current set up - he won't disclose that until this Wednesday! So, I can either confront him, which would be rather pointless because it is typical of him to look at porn every other week (right on freakin' schedule) or I can wait to see if he lies to me.

I chose the later, because it would tell me more than just confronting him I believe. So, now I know he's acted out. I'm extra off balance because this is only the third time I've actually SEEN any porn that he's forgotten to delete. Unfortunately, the next day I snooped when I know I shouldn't have in order to see if he'd caught himself and deleted the evidence. That sent me into a fear and anger spiral, like snooping always does when it is not instigated by a prompting. And now I'm trying to dig myself out of it.

Also, I am seriously ashamed of this (which means I need to get it out) I clicked on one of the two links. The thumbnail wasn't pornographic but the title indicated that is was porn. I clicked, and it started, and the volume was up, and I immediately regretted my decision and had a moment of terror as I was trying to turn it off and COULDN'T for a full five seconds because I don't use tablets ever. The sounds and images are burned in my mind and I'm into my fear, sadness, and anger even deeper because of my wrong choice. I am working on repenting of my actions, and surrendering my negative emotions, so I can be free from the chains that are binding me in my anger. It is tough work.

Amidst all this mess I'm still cohabiting with the person I know betrayed me again. It has made my blood boil even more watching the complete 180 in him since he acted out. Wednesday night he was in a pretty depressed state. Thursday night he seemed chipper, calm, patient, loving, affectionate and has been pretty much ever since. I guess life is better when you've properly numbed up all the negative with acting out in your addiction! The thing that gets me is if I hadn't found the porn I would probably have been all these things back to him and we might have even been sexually intimate.

So I've detached a lot this week. We are only having superficial conversations and I'm extra busy with cooking, cleaning, and I have been needing to go to bed early and been purposefully trying to not go to bed at the same time so I'm not asked for any extra curricular activities. I will say it is probably the most successful I've been at detaching and I just need to make it to Wednesday so that is good.

I have also tried to up my self-care by reading my scriptures more, reading a book I have been meaning to get to, long baths with essential oils, painting my nails, naps, and lots of play time with my little boy. Those have all helped me not go nutso this week. My plan to make it to Wednesday is simple - work long hours. Tonight I have a Bachelorette viewing party so I really don't need to spend any time with B and tomorrow night I can figure out something to keep us at a safe distance.

My plan for if he lies to me is to tell him, without specifics, that I know he isn't being truthful. If he continues to lie or goes into addict mode defensiveness or verbal abuse I'll step away from the conversation. If he lies at all I will be buying and installing spy-ware in order to know the extent of his lies. Luckily for me we have therapy the next day, and I have my first solo therapy session as well so I have help coming soon. I am also trying to muster up the courage to kick him out of our bedroom completely if he lies to me, for an undetermined amount of time. I honestly don't know if I have the courage and the self-confidence to do that, but I want to do it. We'll see.

Hearing the Drama Triangle in action

We were surrounded by beautiful forest, and sunshine, and a blue sky on our drive to therapy last week. It takes about 35 minutes to get there. Inside the car was basically a dark, black, stuffy cloud of anger, hostility, and drama.

We got into a disagreement about something minor, I can't remember what. He got testy and upset so I got quiet. I hate being trapped in a car while we are arguing. He asked if that was all that was bothering me. I said no but I didn't want to talk about it right now. (I could tell he wasn't a safe place to talk to about what was really bothering me. )

What was bothering me: He had, for the second week in a row, skipped our weekly check-in in which we talk about his addiction, any acting out that has occurred, the recovery effort's we've both made etc. On the advice of our therapist I've agreed to try to let him be the one to bring the topic up so he can "practice using his courage." The check-in didn't happen. We were on our way to therapy and I hadn't heard anything in a week, I was anxious about it. I was fearful of what I didn't know. I was angry that he, yet again, can't keep a simple commitment of once a week check-ins. It seems to me that keeping simple commitments would be a good way for him to show me he is trust-worthy. But, he was on edge and testy and irritable in the car so now was certainly not the time to express my anxiety and fears. 

Enter drama triangle tactics from B. 

I succumbed and told him what was bothering me. Just as you might expect, it didn't go well. Within five minutes we were screaming at each other. He was pointing and cursing and there was no logic to be found. He would accuse and I would try to re-explain (loudly, and with lots of tears) and it would fall on deaf ears so I would try again (even more loudly, with more tears, and probably some cursing of my own) as he was cursing and yelling. After another couple minutes I stopped talking. I told him I was done talking until we got to therapy and I sat there and sobbed to myself as he continued to berate me.

What was interesting though is once I finally shut up I could hear just how illogical everything he was saying really was. I could hear SO CLEARLY the drama triangle at work. He tried for the first five minutes to pull me back in by persecuting me. When that didn't work he switched to being the victim trying to draw me out into the rescuer role. That is when I really wanted to give in. I wanted to contradict his "I'm so useless. I'm such a failure. Clearly you don't even love me at all since you aren't disagreeing..." etc. I felt myself REALLY wanting to go in and "rescue" but I kept my mouth shut. Eventually he ran out of steam since I wasn't talking, or looking at him, or moving, and we just rode in silence.

It taught me somethings, or rather, reminded me of some things. 

1) Always trust yourself. When he doesn't feel safe to open up to, DON'T OPEN UP. If I'd have kept to that prompting it would have been a much easier car ride. 

2) When B is in addict mode, he isn't behaving logically, and his arguments are not logical, and it is illogical to try and talk reasonably with him. It is only harming myself to try and reason with him in that state. 

3) It takes two to make an argument. I can just stop. I doesn't mean he is right. It doesn't mean I am wrong. It doesn't mean I am weak. It doesn't mean I'm giving up. It means I am taking a break from the conversation because one or both of us are not in the right mind-set to have a productive conversation about this topic. 

4) Listening can teach us so much more than talking.

I hate addiction. I hate this addiction. I hate pornography and masturbation. I still love B. I hope that my love for him can last longer than it takes him to get into recovery. I hope that my desire to stay lasts longer than it takes for him to get sober and get serious about making changes. I know I won't just go back to ignoring everything for years like he wants me to do. I don't know what will last longer, the addiction or our marriage. 

Welp, I felt the feels, or rather I exploded the feels all over the place

In my last post I talked about how I'd been numbing, avoiding, etc. but I knew I wasn't okay. I left it with a renewed goal of feeling the feels so that I could surrender them and move forward. Well, I did, kind of.

The problem with numbing, avoiding, ignoring is the feelings tend to get magnified. At least that is my experience. Or maybe the longer I numb the less capable I am at sorting through them in a healthy manner so my response becomes increasingly negative. Either way, it was ugly. I got upset. I went into hermit mode all day Saturday and most of Sunday. On Sunday afternoon I watched "Helping Her Heal" for the first time, by myself. Wowza. Talk about a giant flood of tears and emotion. It just shook all the pain out of where I had locked it up and it came pouring through my body. I was rocking back and forth, sobbing, collapsing in on myself physically. My body just could not hold the pain. Yeah, 2 hours of crazy, just me and my computer and my big bulky headphones, oh and tons of tissues.

Now the emotion wasn't locked in anymore so I had to figure out where to put it! Once little one was in bed my anger and frustration and hurt decided the addict in the home was a pretty damn good place to pour all my emotion onto. He was ill-prepared, because he is an addict not in recovery, to handle my hurt. We got into a fight about something super minor. Then it just went from there to not liking each others families (even though we do), and from there he went straight to the blame game. I responded with trying, in all the wrong ways, to get him to understand just how much I was hurting emotionally (read yelling, point, arguing, etc). He upped his game by pulling out his LDS family services manual and reading quotes from general authorities about why I was wrong (at this point our discussion was focusing on whether or not I am allowed to tell people my challenge without his consent and approval - I said I can, because the story is mine - He said that is super disrespectful and taking away his right to tell whom he deems fit). I upped my game by yelling louder about my rights, and what I need, and crying even more.

He upped the ante again with pulling in other circumstances where I have "disrespected" him. I upped it by pointing out the obvious, LOOKING AT PORN IS NOT RESPECTING ME EITHER. And by also bring in other circumstances - like how he'd gotten mad at me for buying a soda on Sunday because that isn't keeping the Sabbath. BTW - BUYING A SODA IS NOTHING COMPARED TO LOOKING AT PORN AND MASTURBATING TWICE ON EASTER SUNDAY. There may have been a few or a lot of curse words thrown his way too. That Easter dig was pretty much the trump card that broke the flood. I collapsed to the ground in a bucket of tears, all my anger spent, and just sorrow left. He just stared at me, I mean really, what do you say after that? He could even see the logic in that one.

So we sat, and I sobbed, and we just went quiet. And finally, my emotions were almost all out. I calmed down. After a while I had enough clarity to apologize for my bad behavior, the cursing and the below the belt digs. I asked him, what I could do to help him feel like I acknowledged his hurt at finding out I had told someone else about my challenge without changing my stance on my right to do so. He said there wasn't anything. And so we left it. And the entire situation just calmed down.

I guess I felt the feels. Now I have a cold from all the crying - swollen face and sinuses all freakin' week. I got triggered last night and stewed for today but brought it up tonight. He briefly resorted to anger but as I stayed calm and tried to express that I was just still feeling hurt he calmly listened to my hurt, let me cry some more, and didn't try to deflect any of it. Is it possible to be making progress even when there is only a week of sobriety, which I don't actually call sobriety?

Trying Something New

I'm not sure how to fully understand or process so I'm going to word-vomit all over this post.

The other day B and I had a pretty big fight. Little things led to big anger. We ended up having a long discussion and were making progress toward at least being cordial but a sticking point came up. Basically, he is hopeless right now. As a result he feels that it is unfair of me to expect him to be free of pornography and masturbation at some point. He wants there to be room for him to try but never succeed in achieving sobriety and recovery. He is SO scared that he can't get there, that it will never happen. When I told him that I have the right to expect fidelity in my marriage he flew off the handle a bit. He doesn't like the language that labels his actions as unfaithful, cheating, not having fidelity, etc. He says that is shaming and belittling him, and maybe it is. I haven't decided. To me it seems like telling the truth and calling an apple and apple.

Anyway, we ended up talking to our bishop last night. It was hard. The conclusion was we will have an appointed time each week to discuss pornography, the act outs, the emotions, the triggers, etc. We won't discuss it outside of that time with each other. This came about because B feels like that has become all we ever talk about it is taking a toll on our relationship. He doesn't like me anymore, and barely loves me because that is all there is to our relationship and there needs to be more of what builds up a relationship. So, contrary to several of my boundaries I agreed to try a once a week check-in.

I just don't know how I feel about it. On one side it could be good. We have been pretty far apart and it hurts really badly knowing he doesn't find me "emotionally or mentally attractive" at all (not to mention physically). I have been crying myself to sleep more nights than I don't. A few days ago as I was sobbing uncontrollably on the bathroom floor (so I was close to the toilet, crying leads to coughing which leads to vomiting) I thought to myself, "This isn't you. You aren't someone who cries all the time. You are someone who can process her emotions and be logical. You are put-together, and strong. What has happened to you?" So, maybe my boundaries aren't working like I want them to work and I need to reset? Maybe I'm asking for too much information (although I only ask for disclosure, and I NEVER ask what it was, just what device and when). Maybe I really do just need to back up, back off, go to anyone else when I need to talk or have something I want to say. Maybe with space he'll like me again. Maybe with space he'll take care of his own crap?

Then again, maybe my boundaries are working. The times I cry are the times he makes it very clear he doesn't want me, at least not that day. The times I cry are the times I see, all too clearly, that he is in the grips of his addiction and not coming out of it any time soon. The times I cry aren't the times that I share something I learned with him, or the times I talk about the societal problem of pornography. The times I cry are the times I have no idea what is going on and whether or not I'm being used. Not being able to ask about what he has or hasn't viewed, or bring up my fears about what he has or hasn't viewed doesn't seem very productive to my emotional health.

I just have so much fear about this plan. I fear that I'll live in a constant state of worry. I fear that he'll act out and then come sleep next to me, or we'll be intimate when I wouldn't do that if I knew he'd just viewed pornography. I fear it won't change a damn thing about his addiction like he thinks it will but it will deplete me, and take me backwards in my recovery, and when it all comes out I'll feel that much more betrayed. I fear that in those weekly meetings he still won't be honest. I fear that he will tell me he acted out on such-and-such a day and I'll review the entire day after for signs, and I won't find them and I'll feel SO STUPID for not knowing. I fear that I'm enabling.

I fear that I'm letting him get away with it. I realize, that a lot of these fears are because it is forcing me to let go of the facade that I had any control in the first place. Because if I let my guard down, and abandon so many of these boundaries, and I don't talk about anything porn related ALL WEEK then surely he won't even think about trying to recover! If I am not bringing it up, he'll forget that it is bad and a problem that he needs to be working on! If I am not being open and honest with him at all times then he'll think I'm okay with it, when I am not okay with it, and he won't understand just how much he hurts me! - I know all of this is unhealthy and incorrect thinking, I think- It seems that I have been in some way passive aggressively trying to manipulate him into recovery? Maybe all this talk, while it has given me some peace, it has been a false peace, one that isn't based in him changing but in me asserting control of the situation that I really have no control over??

Maybe it is okay to not be so open with B about all this has done, and does to me. I fear anything that resembles hiding and secrecy SO MUCH. So NOT talking about whatever I am thinking or feeling feels like hiding and it makes me so anxious. I'm not supposed to talk about when I'm triggered by a commercial or pop-up. I'm not supposed to talk about this great article I read that taught me something about my recovery. I'm not supposed to talk about how I'm worried about raising a son in this day in age and when he'll be exposed to pornography. I'm not supposed to talk about being worried about my brother. But maybe I can and should find other people/methods for expressing all of this and B doesn't have to be my person? I fear that will take us farther apart, but maybe it won't, maybe it will allow room for us to grow together in the other stuff?

Maybe it is okay if he never understands how much he has hurt me. (This actually scares me a lot. The idea that he can cause SO MUCH hurt, and not understand how much hurt he caused, seems so wrong to me and that scares me) Maybe it is enough that my Savior DOES understand how much I am hurt, have been hurt, and have tried to get over the hurt. The Savior does understand that B is lying to himself when he believes the harm is done by telling me, rather than by the action itself. The Savior won't let him "get away with it" and eventually B will be held accountable for his sins. We are expected to do our best. And maybe with the hand B has been dealt this has been his best. I have hope that there is better in the future, but maybe, just maybe, for now it has been his best with whatever emotional trauma he is hiding under all this addiction. Maybe this new arrangement will force me to dig even deeper for a relationship with my Savior and a release from the bondage of the devil - that bondage being fear. This will grow my patience, and long-suffering, and unconditional love even more perhaps. Perhaps as I strive to remain safe, and healthy emotionally and spiritually without the methods I have been employing I will gain a greater understanding of the gospel, of charity, and of my purpose.

I don't know. There are lots of maybes and question marks in this post. I'm still processing. Any advice from you all would be great. Maybe I'll figure it out. Maybe now that I got all this down I'll be able to focus on my homework.

I Want To Feel Safe

About a week ago I discovered another lie of deliberate omission by my husband. It was the most recent in a round of one ever few weeks since maybe mid-November. I've lost count I just know that for a few months now, for the first time in our marriage, I've actually caught lies. For a while I was okay getting over them in a decent amount of time. Then I started questioning why I'm finding so many. I still believe maybe the Lord saw fit that it was time I knew a little more of the truth.

For the last week I've been trying the "fake it til you make it" route on trusting B. I thought that if I could just move on and act like I trust him and force myself to believe him then I would and I'd be able to skip on the trauma mode portion of the cycle. I've not done a good job. I have asked EVERY SINGLE day if he's looked at anything, which is WAY out of my norm. I usually don't ask, I expect him to tell me. And the asking isn't helping because when he says "No" I immediately think, "Yeah, right, you're lying, asshole."

Turns out you can't force trust. Turns out this lie might have been the straw that broke the camel's back as far as some serious boundary considering. I'm considering having him move out of the bedroom. I've implemented a couple nights apart plenty of times for acting out and lying. I've never actually made it a quasi-permanent situation. I'm not sure if I want to. It is the boundary I first thought of when this happened a week ago but I have been going back and forth because I don't know if it is because that would make me feel more safe or I want to punish him.

I want to feel safe. I also want to punish him. In the moment I want him to hurt like I do. I want him to FEEL. I want to break him like has broken me. I want him to see all my worth and know that he's nearly lost me. I want him to actually CARE about something more than pornography. I want him to actually get his work done and help support us financially in the way he is supposed to be doing. I want him to ask me on a damn date. I want him to fall over himself making it up to me. I want him to go to meetings, and read books, and do the steps. And therein lies my problem. Aside from the first one, all these things are for HIM to do and I can't force HIM to do anything. 

So, back to the first one. I want to feel safe. How do I feel safe if I can't trust my spouse to simply tell the truth. There have been so many times he assured me I know everything. The lies that I've uncovered so far haven't been things worse in nature than what I already knew. In fact they are all a little less bad in nature but they are still acting in his addiction and they were all kept from me because "they aren't all the way acting out." So the women weren't FULLY nude. Or it was just "dancing." Or, it is "reference" for his art. Or I wasn't told because it is "better" that he didn't hurt me so much by telling me.

I need to take control of my life back from this stupid addiction. I want to feel safe. But how?

And then there were two - addicts in the house

We are living with my parents while I am in graduate school. My teenage brother is still at home too. Last Thursday B acted out - and I crashed and burned in response because I didn't stay in a safe place long enough (see my last post). Then on Saturday morning I discovered that my brother most likely has the same addiction. My toddler got on his phone internet (thankfully NOT anything inappropriate) but I just felt like clicking over to the history so I did. For the last month 95% of the sites visited were pornography and there were dozens and dozens of sites.

I can see now that I immediately numbed. I went into busy mode of tasks: 1) search for help for parents, 2) tell my parents, separately because my dad knows about B and my mom doesn't so it would be a different kind of conversation, 3) send resources to parents 4) comfort my mother 5) work in the afternoon. I stayed calm throughout the day and even into Sunday morning. B was still distant and unsupportive and involved in his own thoughts. I got home from church and felt my numbness starting to crumble even though I really did NOT want it to crumble. I found myself super curious about when my parents would talk to my brother and what they would say and what he would say and I wanted to tell him I loved him but I also wanted to through his phone across the room and then take a hammer to it. I wanted to hug him and support him and I wanted to kick his shins, and yell, and call out every single lie my parents were going to buy. I was sure he would lie because that is what addicts do and that is what he has been known to do. I was sure my parents were going to believe them because while they aren't stupid they also aren't versed in addiction. I wanted to scream and cry and break things so badly but I just sat, I had dinner, visited, cleaned. I played with my son.

At one point I knew my parents had talked to my brother but when they were done he seemed happy. He was chipper and energetic and just talking about his plans for the evening and making jokes. This was certainly not the behavior of someone who had just fully confessed his deepest darkest secrets to his parents. This was not the behavior of someone preparing to make huge adjustments in his life. This was not the behavior of someone who had faced the truth of his problem. This was the behavior of my brother, making light of things, and business has usual. I cautiously asked my parents how it went and only got a "good" and "he said what I expected." I know they are now keeping it between them and my brother. That is fine. Just because I discovered it doesn't mean I need to be involved in anything else. If I am honest with myself it is BETTER that I'm not involved with anything else. In the moment when it became clear I was being cut off from any information the last of my numbness crumbled.

I am hurt. I am hurt by my husband's actions. I'm hurt more by his inability to empathize, or think of me, or support me, or even spend a few minutes helping me. I'm feeling lonely and surrounded by filth knowing that two of the three men in my house are regularly viewing smut. I'm feeling lonely because I can't help my mom and share all that I have learned because she doesn't know why I would know anything about this addiction. I'm fearful that nothing will change. Both B and my brother will continue to harm themselves and their loved ones by selfishly indulging in their compulsions and not seeking help. I'm overwhelmed.

Last night I was feeling all this yuck and when I was visiting with B while he had a video game on he asked me how I was doing. He didn't even look at me or turn off the game so I knew it wasn't safe to truly share with him. So I told him I didn't think I wanted to talk about. To his credit after a few moments he turned off the game and came and found me. He wasn't very excited about it, and he definitely gave the strong vibe he was asking out of obligation instead of true concern but I took his actions as a message that I could share. So I did, and I ugly cried, and I spilled my heart. He held my hand, and said he was sorry for the pain. And then while I kept talking (mind you, it had barely been 10 minutes), he fell asleep. I stopped talking, and a few minutes later he opened his eyes and said, "What was that?" CLEARLY he was not actually a safe space right now. I clammed up and made light and excused myself to bed. He chose to stay up and play more video games.

TRIGGER!!! Seriously, he can't stay awake for ten minutes of me being my most vulnerable and in need but as soon as I'm done he will stay awake to play video games. I cried myself to sleep for the second night in a row. The thing that gets me the most is just how selfish this addiction makes people. They cannot see past themselves.

On my way to work today I heart the Carrie Underwood song "Something In the Water" which I love. If you haven't listened to it, please do. It reminded me that my Savior is still there, waiting for me to ask for help. And while I'll still hurt, he can help me move to a place of peace and acceptance and eternal perspective. And he will listen, and stay awake for as long as I need to talk to Him. In this moment I just realized that He gets that feeling because his disciples fell asleep when He needed them most too. He understands.

Matthew 26: 36-44:

 36 Then cometh Jesus with them unto a place called Gethsemane, and saith unto the disciples, Sit ye here, while I go and pray yonder.

 37 And he took with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, andbegan to be sorrowful and very heavy.

 38 Then saith he unto them, My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death: tarry ye here, and watch with me.

 39 And he went a little further, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.

 40 And he cometh unto the disciples, and findeth them asleep, and saith unto Peter, What, could ye not watch with me one hour?

 41 Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.

 42 He went away again the second time, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if this cup may not pass away from me, except I drink it, thy will be done.

 43 And he came and found them asleep again: for their eyes were heavy.

 44 And he left them, and went away again, and prayed the third time, saying the same words. 

The Savior can help us no matter our pain, and we are never alone unless we choose to be alone.

A reminder of why I have boundaries

A couple days ago I was having the kind of day that would really have been made better by a supportive help-meet. Instead I got a disclosure. I felt very let down. It seems that when I most need or want B's support he is unavailable to me due to being in addict mode. We slept apart per my boundary. The next day was tough but I was still needing some support of my own for unrelated things. I decided to go out on a limb and give B the opportunity to be a help-meet. I got burned. In retrospect I turned toward him too quickly after a disclosure.

We went on a planned date and it wasn't lovey-dovey but it was nice. I decided that this time one night apart was enough (the boundary I've been using is at least one night, maybe more, which has usually ended up being 2 or 3). I decided I would open myself up to being vulnerable because I just really really wanted to have a good hug and get the support I needed this week and I had hope that he could do that. I still thought he might be able to be the husband I wanted so desperately to help me get through the week. I told him he could sleep in the bed and before I could get my next sentence out he told me he didn't think he should. BURN. When I closed the door to my room I kind of fell to the floor with the ugly cry, and it caused a nose-bleed. That is what I get for thinking Mr. Addict could pull through for me. After another conversation today he is not feeling very much love toward me right now. This is common right before or after acting out. He gets hung up on maybe there is something better out there, or on the things I do that bug him, or on my weight. So, he slept apart because he didn't like me enough to sleep next to me. It is a blow to my ego but honestly I brought this upon myself.

I have boundaries for a reason, sleeping apart was to save me from Mr. Addict for a couple nights of peace and self-care. I turned toward him too soon and didn't find B there to support me I found Mr. Addict there to judge me, and shun me, and think only of himself. One of the things I hate most about this addiction is it robs me of the support I thought I was getting when I got married. Mr. Addict always seems to visit when I REALLY would like my husband around. Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, a death in the family, illness, deteriorating friendships, stressful weeks at work or school have all happened with Mr. Addict living with me.

Today I'm pretty deflated. It kind of sucks when your spouse tells you they do love you like they are trying to convince themselves and follows it with saying not right now (in so many words). I wrote a while back about a wrecking ball that knocks down the relationship we're trying to build and I keep trying to help build the wall that is our relationship when I know a wrecking ball is coming and it will continue to knock me down. Isn't that the definition of crazy? Last week's disclosure I was not in the way of the wrecking ball and felt very well and whole. This one got me, I've been knocked flat of my ass. Even though I can't rely on B right now for even non-addiction related support I know I can always rely on my Savior to help pick me back up.

Slated for the rest of the weekend: self-care, scriptures, prayer, more self-care, sleeping apart, letting the atonement of the Savior work on my heart to heal and fill with hope and love again.

Angry All Day

I hate today. I have not been this angry in a while. I have not cried this much in a while. I feel like we've taken a huge step backwards. I feel like he is in addict mode but feigning calmness and he keeps quoting prophets and scriptures at me to back up his claims. It doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel okay. It doesn't feel right. Am I just crazy? Am I the one under Satan's grasp today? Full of anger, hatred, and disgust? Or is this my gut telling me "perk up - he is in addict mode - detach - protect yourself!" I have no idea. It is too much to write out now. I just don't have anyone to turn to and I'm supposed to just act like it is all okay, life is normal. Fake it till you make it. I feel another round of tears coming on - I better sign off.

A Triggery Evening - The Internet has so much SMUT

Last night before I went to bed I was online wasting time on pinterest and facebook. Generally these sites are safe for me as I don't have scandalous friends and I unfollow any boards that contain salacious material (NOT a fan of the "boudior" boards that several of my friends started - can we say soft-core porn and just call it what it is?) Anyway, for some reason there were asses everywhere last night. *This is especially triggering for me because of B's preferences for large derrieres and some of my worse D-Day finds* There were adds, little thumbnails for articles, pins, everywhere. I'm so confused as to how I can be reading a feel-good look-how-cute-this-child-is article and the adds on the side are "Big butts have been in a long time" and "17 actresses went full frontal" with IMAGES that are AWFUL. So, after about 15 minutes of trying to navigate away from the smut I realized I was way triggered and even the normal exercise pins were causing me some panic so I closed down and walked away. Gah. I just want to find a cute craft or a new dessert recipe - do I really have to be subjected to this crap?

Fast forward to when B came to bed. I told him about it and I asked if he had looked at anything on my computer. He typically uses his computer - I thought because it reduces risk of being caught by me not being on that device and it is in a more hidden spot (mine is in a hallway). He said no, that he had deleted some trash that was on there, which I'm taking to mean there was porn stored on the computer and he made sure to delete it so I didn't find it. Then he said the kicker, he doesn't use my computer because the sound isn't that great. Well HELL. I didn't need THAT in my head. So, my computer isn't used because he can't hear the moans and groans as well? Yuck, double yuck. Seriously, still feeling squeamish just typing this.

So now I'm conflicted. I'm glad he was honest with me. I'm glad he is being open with me. I also don't like thinking of the things he hears while he watches. Having some flashbacks today. Trying to decide what to do about it. Detach? Talk? Call someone? Gah. Yuck. Double Yuck. The sound isn't as good! FACE-PALM

Forming My Boundaries

Boundaries have been floating around in my head a lot lately. The first time I set boundaries there were two and it was HARD. I had reached such a low point, so weak and broken and I knew I had to do something to regain my sense of safety. I had of course heard of boundaries and read about them so while I was at work one day I pretty much spent the entire day coming up with my first two boundaries. The first wasn't really a boundary, just a statement that I needed to take sex off the table for a while so I could ponder within myself why I desire sex and make sure my motivations were pure and connection-driven. So the boundary was just for me. The second boundary was that If I feel the need to get help and talk to someone, I will. This was the one that caused the problem. His sense of privacy was challenged, his sense of control over who knows was blown out of the water. On top of that this was about 3 weeks before we moved to where my father would be our ecclesiastical leader. So, if I felt I needed to talk to my ecclesiastical leader I would also be talking to my father - his father-in-law. Yikes! I understand why that was scary for him to hear.

Anyway, I tearfully, and shakily stated my boundaries. He yelled some and argued. I held my ground and then went and called my one friend that knows of my situation and just sobbed huge, loud, uncontrollable sobs for about 20 minutes. She patiently listened and waited for me to talk. Bless this woman, she is so smart and she is quite logical and to the point which is one of the things I love most about her. She told me that it is okay to change my mind if the boundaries don't make me feel safe and that I would know if they are right by whether or not they help me feel safe and grounded. Sure enough, the next day I felt a million times better. And a small piece of confidence was instilled in my heart that I didn't have before.

That was nearly 3 months ago. In the past week I have been all over the board emotionally. I have been filled with debilitating fear of a relapse coming. I have been hurt when it did come. I have been angry, sad, frustrated, lonely, filled with despair, sure I was going to kick him out, and sure I was going to stay. Crazy train was going full-steam ahead. So I thought more about boundaries and detaching. I read more about them. One thing I read somewhere (I can't remember where) said that the spouse's boundaries will depend somewhat of their self-esteem and self-worth. That really struck me. It sunk into my heart. We're taught that we have to teach people how to treat us. Well, as far as I could tell I'd taught B how to treat me - and it wasn't something I was very proud of. There is room for growth and love and acceptance but I had been an enabler by taking all the hurt in and letting it destroy my heart and self-esteem without setting up boundaries to protect myself. Boundaries are there to protect myself and in a way to protect him from himself. When he is in addict mode it is NOT fun and he says and does hurtful things. If I take care of myself and set up boundaries I am taking responsibility for my actions and my response to his actions. It doesn't excuse his behavior but boundaries help me behave better, take charge of myself and my stability, and my happiness. I realized I'm worth it. I'm worth fighting for. I'm worth standing up for. I'm worth setting boundaries for, to protect myself, and my son (because a crazy mom does NO good for a baby).

So I did it! I typed up my rights and the associated boundaries. I then wrote them down because the printer wasn't working. I read them to B and I stuck to them and didn't go into co-dependent back-track mode. I didn't get pulled into the drama triangle when he started disagreeing, blaming, and hurting. When he played the victim I didn't try and rescue him. When he played the persecutor I didn't act the victim.

It was a rough night but I felt free. I felt happy. I felt at peace. All of that helps me to know I did the right thing. The boundaries may change in the future as my needs change and our marriage changes but for now they are good and helpful and solid and I'm so happy I did it.