I'll Be Okay

Feeling hurt and unsure and scared and sad. I found this song. I just keep reminding myself, I'll be okay. I've felt this way before. The sun will rise again. I will feel peace again. As I strive to live worthy of the tender promptings of the Holy Ghost I will find the path that I should follow. I will be whole again through the Atonement of my Savior who saves me every day and who has never failed me. He has caught me every time I needed catching. He has held me every time I've needed holding. He's guided me every time I've needed guiding. As long as I open the door to Him and His influence He will be there for me. And when I've closed the door, He is still waiting on just the other side until I open it again. (Revelation 3:20)

Obedience, Hope, and Faith all in one verse!

I was reading in the Book of Mormon this morning, Alma Chapter 25 and verse 16 really spoke to me. It reads:

"Now they did not suppose that salvation came by the law of Moses; but the law of Moses did serve to strengthen their faith in Christ; and thus they did retain a hope through faith, unto eternal salvation, relaying upon the spirit of prophecy, which spake of those things to come."

This chapter is talking about the Anti-Nephi-Lehis (who were previously known as Lamanites) who have been converted to the gospel by the sons of Mosiah (you know, those trouble makers who were with Alma the Younger when he saw an angel). The Anti-Nephi-Lehis have been attacked by the Lamanites, but did not fight back because of their promise to God. Many were killed but even more were converted and joined the Anit-Nephi-Lehis. The people are industrious and striving to cling to the gospel.

I think I sometimes fall into the trap of the pharisee where I believe the salvation comes by obedience. If we follow the law, we are saved. While this can be true, it is not the whole picture and I love how this scripture expounds on it to give us a more full idea of the reason for obedience. The Anti-Nephi-Lehis were pretty wise. They followed the Law of Moses but they knew that salvation did not come by obedience alone. The purpose of the laws was to "strengthen their faith in Christ" and through their increased faith they were blessed with HOPE of eternal salvation. Faith in Christ is the important factor, it is strengthened by obedience and it leads to hope!

I want HOPE. A heart full of hope is so much better than a heart full of heartache, pain, anger, sadness, and loneliness. This scripture outlines how to have  hope - be obedient and your faith will be strengthened and you'll have hope. I know the pain and heartache and trial will still come, as they did for these people who had over 1,000 of their members die at the hand of who used to be their bretheren. But they were able to retain hope.

I'm not saying this is the only way to strengthen our faith, but it surely is one of the ways and a very good way. I'm so grateful for personal revelation. I am comforted by the fact that I can seek out my own relationship with God. I don't have to go through anyone but my Savior. My relationship with Heavenly Father and my Savior is only dependent on my own choices, my willingness to obey and to open my heart and mind. We have so much power to change ourselves. Our Savior already paid the price of our eternal salvation. We have the potential to become like our Heavenly Father - truly like him! And the ONLY person that can prevent that is US. Each of us is in charge of our own destiny, truly. We have the power, we just have to decide how to use that power.

And then there were two - addicts in the house

We are living with my parents while I am in graduate school. My teenage brother is still at home too. Last Thursday B acted out - and I crashed and burned in response because I didn't stay in a safe place long enough (see my last post). Then on Saturday morning I discovered that my brother most likely has the same addiction. My toddler got on his phone internet (thankfully NOT anything inappropriate) but I just felt like clicking over to the history so I did. For the last month 95% of the sites visited were pornography and there were dozens and dozens of sites.

I can see now that I immediately numbed. I went into busy mode of tasks: 1) search for help for parents, 2) tell my parents, separately because my dad knows about B and my mom doesn't so it would be a different kind of conversation, 3) send resources to parents 4) comfort my mother 5) work in the afternoon. I stayed calm throughout the day and even into Sunday morning. B was still distant and unsupportive and involved in his own thoughts. I got home from church and felt my numbness starting to crumble even though I really did NOT want it to crumble. I found myself super curious about when my parents would talk to my brother and what they would say and what he would say and I wanted to tell him I loved him but I also wanted to through his phone across the room and then take a hammer to it. I wanted to hug him and support him and I wanted to kick his shins, and yell, and call out every single lie my parents were going to buy. I was sure he would lie because that is what addicts do and that is what he has been known to do. I was sure my parents were going to believe them because while they aren't stupid they also aren't versed in addiction. I wanted to scream and cry and break things so badly but I just sat, I had dinner, visited, cleaned. I played with my son.

At one point I knew my parents had talked to my brother but when they were done he seemed happy. He was chipper and energetic and just talking about his plans for the evening and making jokes. This was certainly not the behavior of someone who had just fully confessed his deepest darkest secrets to his parents. This was not the behavior of someone preparing to make huge adjustments in his life. This was not the behavior of someone who had faced the truth of his problem. This was the behavior of my brother, making light of things, and business has usual. I cautiously asked my parents how it went and only got a "good" and "he said what I expected." I know they are now keeping it between them and my brother. That is fine. Just because I discovered it doesn't mean I need to be involved in anything else. If I am honest with myself it is BETTER that I'm not involved with anything else. In the moment when it became clear I was being cut off from any information the last of my numbness crumbled.

I am hurt. I am hurt by my husband's actions. I'm hurt more by his inability to empathize, or think of me, or support me, or even spend a few minutes helping me. I'm feeling lonely and surrounded by filth knowing that two of the three men in my house are regularly viewing smut. I'm feeling lonely because I can't help my mom and share all that I have learned because she doesn't know why I would know anything about this addiction. I'm fearful that nothing will change. Both B and my brother will continue to harm themselves and their loved ones by selfishly indulging in their compulsions and not seeking help. I'm overwhelmed.

Last night I was feeling all this yuck and when I was visiting with B while he had a video game on he asked me how I was doing. He didn't even look at me or turn off the game so I knew it wasn't safe to truly share with him. So I told him I didn't think I wanted to talk about. To his credit after a few moments he turned off the game and came and found me. He wasn't very excited about it, and he definitely gave the strong vibe he was asking out of obligation instead of true concern but I took his actions as a message that I could share. So I did, and I ugly cried, and I spilled my heart. He held my hand, and said he was sorry for the pain. And then while I kept talking (mind you, it had barely been 10 minutes), he fell asleep. I stopped talking, and a few minutes later he opened his eyes and said, "What was that?" CLEARLY he was not actually a safe space right now. I clammed up and made light and excused myself to bed. He chose to stay up and play more video games.

TRIGGER!!! Seriously, he can't stay awake for ten minutes of me being my most vulnerable and in need but as soon as I'm done he will stay awake to play video games. I cried myself to sleep for the second night in a row. The thing that gets me the most is just how selfish this addiction makes people. They cannot see past themselves.

On my way to work today I heart the Carrie Underwood song "Something In the Water" which I love. If you haven't listened to it, please do. It reminded me that my Savior is still there, waiting for me to ask for help. And while I'll still hurt, he can help me move to a place of peace and acceptance and eternal perspective. And he will listen, and stay awake for as long as I need to talk to Him. In this moment I just realized that He gets that feeling because his disciples fell asleep when He needed them most too. He understands.

Matthew 26: 36-44:

 36 Then cometh Jesus with them unto a place called Gethsemane, and saith unto the disciples, Sit ye here, while I go and pray yonder.

 37 And he took with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, andbegan to be sorrowful and very heavy.

 38 Then saith he unto them, My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death: tarry ye here, and watch with me.

 39 And he went a little further, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.

 40 And he cometh unto the disciples, and findeth them asleep, and saith unto Peter, What, could ye not watch with me one hour?

 41 Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.

 42 He went away again the second time, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if this cup may not pass away from me, except I drink it, thy will be done.

 43 And he came and found them asleep again: for their eyes were heavy.

 44 And he left them, and went away again, and prayed the third time, saying the same words. 

The Savior can help us no matter our pain, and we are never alone unless we choose to be alone.