One Big Step Back, Two Baby Steps Forward: Part I

A lot has happened this past weekend and I want to get it all written down for my own processing and healing. I'm going to do so in three posts - the first of which will discuss the ONE BIG STEP BACK. So this post will not be a happy one, but I still feel it is an important part of the story for myself.

A few nights ago B forgot to keep the commitment he made of watching the video Helping Her Heal with me that night. He had made that commitment earlier in the day – bringing it up and coming up with the time himself.

At the end of the night he asked what was wrong and I told him that he said he was going to watch that video. His apology was “I’m sorry but this and this and this came up, as you know, and I forgot so I need you to give me understanding” To me that is not an apology – he was making excuses instead of just owning that yes, I made a mistake, and I am sorry how can I make it up to you?

We argued for about 5 minutes and then I said I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. He was in victim mode and making the entire thing about himself and blaming me so I stuck to my own boundary of not continuing such a conversation and he stormed out of the room.

We slept apart.

The next morning before I left for work I asked if he wanted to talk about anything before I left. He said “You made me feel like a failure and a scum bag so no” I responded by telling him that I did not call names, I did not yell, I did not make him feel that way. If he is feeling shame that is on him and not on me. After a couple minutes of arguing I told him I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. He kept going. I got up to walk away and he followed me for the next 10 minutes as I got ready for work. He was yelling, cursing, and blaming me for everything. It was some of the worst verbal abuse I've experienced from him. Our toddler was pushing him and trying to protect me. I did not say anything except “I don’t want to talk” and “I just want this conversation to end” He then said he was going to watch the video now and went to the computer. I told him, forcefully, that he would not watch that video with our toddler around. He got up and continued yelling at me. It was my fault that our marriage is falling apart. It was my fault that he felt like crap. It was my fault that we don't get along. I was told that I am to blame for it all, his unhappiness, our unhappiness, parts of his addiction, all of it. At one point we ended up in the bedroom while I was getting ready. I was still not talking unless I was saying that I didn't want to talk anymore.  I tried leaving as he was still verbally and emotionally abusing me and he wouldn’t let me out. He wouldn’t let me out for what seemed like a lifetime but was probably more like a minute. I only said “Please let me out” and after the minute I panicked, my breath sped up and I yelled “JUST LET ME PASS!” at which point he let me pass – berating me the entire time.

I felt very scared for my safety when he trapped me in my own room. He physically stayed in my way. He's never hit me or shoved me but in that moment I was terrified that he might, especially if I tried to force my way past him. 

Just before I left I asked if he wanted me to take little man for 5 minutes so he could cool down and he started yelling again so I just left. He told me congratulations on traumatizing our son, that it was my fault that our little boy had now witnessed such ugliness.

That day was hard. I called a friend and sobbed. I called my dad, our bishop, and sobbed. I called our therapist and sobbed. They all told me the same thing, he was not allowed to cross that line and I needed to make it clear that this would never happen again. I was grateful for their reassurance of what I knew in my heart. At work that morning a friend asked if I was okay. I broke down into wracking sobs again. I was barely holding it together all day. Scratch that I wasn't holding it together all day, only for about 1 hour spurts.

I should mention when I was a teenager my first boyfriend shoved me down the stairs once. And after we broke up he trapped me in a car for 30+ minutes while he verbally and emotionally abused me. I believe this experience with B traumatized me so much because it brought the same fear and helplessness to my heart that I experienced as that 16 year old girl. 

That day, that B treated me this way, I was ready to tell him to move out of our room for good, or possibly out of our home. All day I found myself walking with my head facing down looking at the ground. My beautiful friend who was my first call had reminded me to not let him take away who I am. I am a strong, beautiful, smart woman and he doesn't get to treat me like that and I am not what he called me and I am not responsible for the things he blamed me for. Throughout the day I reminded myself to hold my head up high and push my shoulders back and walk tall. I AM a strong woman. I CAN stand up for myself. I DO NOT deserve the treatment I received and I DO have choices.

It was a bad day.

Why I love the song "Girl Crush"

Ode to a country song full of trigger potential for WoPA's. The song, "Girl Crush" by Little Big Town (video below). I know many women find this song revolting. That is absolutely understandable. I however, LOVE this song so much. So listen at your own risk. The great thing about music, to me, is it has the power to put words to things I feel, or have felt, in a way I am unable to accomplish. The instruments used, the melody, the harmonies, the lyrics, the arrangement all make an emotion that is more than just words. To me, this song, hits on something I have felt in the past many times. It sounds like I felt, it feels like I felt, it reminds me of those emotions. 

This song, for me, is about being jealous of another woman because she has the heart or attention of the man I want. When I was in high school I felt this way about a few girls. I wanted their hair, their waist, their legs, their eyes. Really, I wanted the attention they were receiving but in my young mind they were the same thing. If he is showing her attention and I want his attention then I must be like her to get his attention. My self-esteem was very low in regards to my physique, and my worth as a love interest.  

In college I felt this way about my roommate. I wanted her blue eyes, blonde hair, petite frame. I thought I might even need to have her dissatisfied, negative attitude because all the guys were falling over themselves (and me, as the roommate)to get to her. They befriended me as a way to spend time with her and get information about what she liked and didn't like. When it didn't work out they would complain about her personality, attitude, selfishness, and general grumpiness to me but they still were kind of hooked because she was so darn beautiful. At least that helped me not focus on changing who I was on the inside. However, I still wanted her body. I hated mine. 

I dreamed of the day when I would find the wonderful man who would love me for who I was, for what I looked like, and would find me irresistible the way all these other guys found the other girls in my life irresistible. Then it happened. I met B. He liked my roommate too (different roommate), but he went after ME! (okay, it took a little time, but he did). He couldn't get enough of my kisses. He told me I was beautiful. He was attracted to me, inside and out (was my understanding at the time). We struggled to stay chaste, which to me meant I was irresistible to him. We fell in love, we got engaged, he told me he struggled with porn and was working on it, I patted myself on the back for being understanding and non-judgemental, and we were married.  

Over the next few months or year I learned a whole heck of a lot more about what pornography addiction is and all that it entails. And those old feelings returned. It wasn't a jealousy of a particular woman but all women. It was a knowledge that I needed to have a different body in order to have the full attention of the man I wanted so badly. I was jealous of all the porn stars. I was jealous of all the women I saw everywhere because my husband probably lusted after them. I was jealous of celebrities because I was sure he lusted after them. I was jealous of the friends I knew he lusted after. All of his lustiness was confirmed by his comments here and there about their butts, or boobs, or whatever. Those feelings took years to shake. Every once in a while they return, but they don’t stay for too long anymore. I've gained too much knowledge about my worth and what beauty really is to let them have so much control of me. 

This song, though, takes me back to all those times. Not really in a sad way. I just remember the way I felt and I want to hug that girl. I want to tell her that she doesn't have to change. I want to tell her that someday she will understand that beauty isn't what those men are after. I would tell that young wife, whose heart was crushed into a million pieces when her husband told her he isn't attracted to her and if she would just lose weight that he wouldn't need to look at porn, that her husband is wrong and he doesn't even know it. I would tell her that someday she'll be part of a community of women who are the most beautiful women she's ever known and they span ages 20 to 70, and are all shapes and sizes and hair colors, and they are called WoPAs, and they will teach her about her true beauty and worth. I would hold her, and let her cry on my shoulder so she wouldn't have to cry alone on the shower floor. I would take this song back in time so she had a song to express her feelings better than she could. And then I would remind her that she knows, deep down, that even though she feels this way now, it isn't the truth - the belief that she needs to be like the blonde roommate, or the hot runner her husband likes, or the porn stars - it isn't the truth.  

The truth that is in her heart, and was instilled in her as a child, is that she is a daughter of God, and is of infinite worth, and is beautiful. The truth is she doesn't need to fit the world's definition of beautiful because someday Heavenly Father will speak His definition of beautiful into her heart, and she will never forget it. 

This song reminds me of how far I've come and how much I've learned. It helps me feel that it is okay that I didn't always know what I know now. I am at peace with my girl crushes of the past. I hope to minimize them in the future as I put my knowledge and understanding to use in my own life and heart. But when I find myself thinking of "her" and being jealous of "her" I can come back to this song and remember how this song expresses these emotions but also reminds me of how much I know that there really isn't anything to be jealous of after all. 

Good Advice / Bad Advice

We have a vacation coming up. I'm anxious about it because it is somewhere warm and vacation-y during spring break. Mostly, I'm anxious because the last time we were on a vacation together it was not good. It is a pretty bad memory actually. You can read a bit about it here. Anyway, I'm trying to figure out what to do to prepare myself spiritually and emotionally for potential triggers and for the potential that B will get triggered and pull away from me, behave badly, show his resentment toward me.

I want to discuss a little bit of the advice I've received - good and bad.

Good Advice: Affirmations!

I am safe.

I am in control of myself.

I am strong.

I am beautiful and my body is a gift.

I have more to say about affirmations... but that is for another time. I think they will help me stay grounded and focused. 

Bad Advice (for me, for right now): Go to B with my vulnerability to give him the opportunity to be compassionate.

This came from our therapist this week. So, just to clarify, I think this is probably great advice for couples with an addict further in his recovery, and a couple further in their marital recovery. However, we are neither. When we left therapy I was pretty upset but we drove home separately so I had some time to collect my thoughts. So far the advice in therapy has been geared toward B, which is good. However, it has also caused me to give up most of my boundaries to follow the advice we are given. Some things have been good, but I'm still trying to figure out my methods of finding safety. This week, I was advised to not bring up anything to do with our weekly discussion about pornography in order to give B the opportunity to practice his courage and come to me. What about when I need to talk about something? I previously found safety by speaking my truth when I felt like it and needed to do so. But then was told to only speak about anything related to pornography (and therefore my healing) once a week. That was HARD to agree to but we've been doing it. Now, I'm not even supposed to bring it up? I'm just supposed to let him be courageous? When he has proven that he is mostly not courageous?

Anyway, I was upset. When we got home B asked me what I thought of the session. I decided to test the waters - B and I were in a better place together than we have been in a couple months so I thought I'd see if he can be a safe place for my vulnerability. I shared that I was upset, that I felt like my tools are being taken away and I'm being dismissed. I shared that I am SO scared of what will happen on vacation. B clammed up, stopped looking at me, put his hands in his pockets and backed away from me physically, and got upset. It became about him, and how this made him feel, and how it is so hard for him. He then said we should just have our once a week meeting and disclosed two-days-in-a-row acting out this week. Then teh conversation was pretty much over.

So, my answer - B is NOT a safe place for my vulnerability. I want him to be, but he is not. So, that advice is not good for me for now. I will have to find another place to share myself and continue to try and be detached and superficial with my husband.

I'm disappointed. However, I am finding courage for myself in owning my reality and making the effort to try new advice and then making an informed decision about my safety.