Last night B chose to tell my mother about his addiction. This is a HUGE step for him, and he made the decision 100% on his own. We are living with my folks so having her know will certainly make trying to get to meetings easier.
Before he told her I knew he was considering it and I was looking forward to possibly having some added support but I was also very anxious because she is very much a mama-bear and I was aware that her reaction could have been one that shamed him and got really protective of me. To her credit, that was not her reaction. I wasn't part of the conversation but he said she hugged him, asked if I was aware when we got married, and was supportive.
Interestingly, my reaction is not at all what I anticipated. I was the one who has gotten really anxious now that she knows. What is she thinking? What does she think of me? How will this change things? Is she going to use it against him in an argument? Is she going to pester me with advice? Does she think I chose poorly? yada yada.
I made myself available for her to ask questions later in the evening. Of all the things to ask she said, "Is it awkward?" I wasn't sure what she meant. She meant, is it awkward when you know he's viewed porn. It really surprised me, and not in a good way really. The tone of the conversation, the question, and explanation, made clear that while she isn't necessarily pleased she also is acutely unaware of the pain this has caused me and continues to cause me, as well as how much destruction it has brought to our marriage. Yikes, I guess I was looking for validation a little from her and when I didn't get it and saw that it wasn't going to come it hurt.
I feel let down. I feel alone. I am reminded that unless you've been there most people just don't get it. I must grieve the loss of what I expected to be a support person for me because she will love me, but she won't be able to help and support me. I could be wrong but I feel that if she truly doesn't understand that this is hard for the spouse that it might be best to just let her knowing be a tool for getting to meetings rather than try to delve into my pain with her. So, this whole time I thought "if my mom just knew I'd have another person to help me" and now it looks like that is not the case. I get to grieve that loss and move on with the new reality accepted.
Showing posts with label lonely. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lonely. Show all posts
Friday, June 26, 2015
Monday, June 15, 2015
Trauma is so real
Our last big step back really did a number on me and I am still recovering.
We were at the store together and had a blow-up over which bag of chips to get. Yes, you read that right. Which bag of chips led to yelling, and storming off. We connected toward the end of the shopping trip again and I told him I felt that he owed me an apology. He insisted that he in fact did not owe me an apology and it was all my fault. Then the TRAUMA took over. My heart started beating faster, my breathing sped up, my feet moved faster as I raced toward the check out so I could just GET OUT of dodge. I felt the trauma envelope my entire being. I hate that feeling.
Another time we had made some strides toward emotional intimacy. We were on our way toward physical intimacy. And the trauma took over again. I froze. Thankfully he responded with gentleness when I needed to stop. We went back to sleeping apart after that.
I was gone for several days and when I returned we were able to be kind. We even slept in the same bed again. I had been vulnerable again. The next morning there was no affection, no increased emotional intimacy. I felt let down, alone, and stupid. The trauma tried to rear it's ugly head again.
Last night we had some good conversation. I had been very triggered by something completely unrelated to my husband. He seemed to understand or at least attempt to understand that I was in a hard place and that I did not feel very connected because the trauma was very real still. In the middle of the night he tried to instigate sex. Um, NO. Clearly the understanding was feigned, or at least it didn't mean enough to him to actually put my feelings ahead of is middle of the night lust.
Amid all this I had a very tender, spiritual, and sacred experience at the temple on Saturday. It lifted me, it strengthened me, it taught me. It didn't really relate to addiction or my marriage, but to my relationship with my Savior. I have had joy this past week. Lots of it actually. None of it came from my spouse or my marriage. That is sad to me, but it is my truth right now.
I'm just waiting until therapy later this week to try to continue processing. I don't feel I have it in me to dig up the hurt again. Every few days it is brought up by other stuff and that is enough for me. The hurt is so deep, and so profound and I don't think I can let it fully wash over me right now in order to surrender. I'm scared of the hurt, of feeling the full brunt of it. I will get there eventually, but not right now. For today I'll stay on the surface and do other things that need to be done.
We were at the store together and had a blow-up over which bag of chips to get. Yes, you read that right. Which bag of chips led to yelling, and storming off. We connected toward the end of the shopping trip again and I told him I felt that he owed me an apology. He insisted that he in fact did not owe me an apology and it was all my fault. Then the TRAUMA took over. My heart started beating faster, my breathing sped up, my feet moved faster as I raced toward the check out so I could just GET OUT of dodge. I felt the trauma envelope my entire being. I hate that feeling.
Another time we had made some strides toward emotional intimacy. We were on our way toward physical intimacy. And the trauma took over again. I froze. Thankfully he responded with gentleness when I needed to stop. We went back to sleeping apart after that.
I was gone for several days and when I returned we were able to be kind. We even slept in the same bed again. I had been vulnerable again. The next morning there was no affection, no increased emotional intimacy. I felt let down, alone, and stupid. The trauma tried to rear it's ugly head again.
Last night we had some good conversation. I had been very triggered by something completely unrelated to my husband. He seemed to understand or at least attempt to understand that I was in a hard place and that I did not feel very connected because the trauma was very real still. In the middle of the night he tried to instigate sex. Um, NO. Clearly the understanding was feigned, or at least it didn't mean enough to him to actually put my feelings ahead of is middle of the night lust.
Amid all this I had a very tender, spiritual, and sacred experience at the temple on Saturday. It lifted me, it strengthened me, it taught me. It didn't really relate to addiction or my marriage, but to my relationship with my Savior. I have had joy this past week. Lots of it actually. None of it came from my spouse or my marriage. That is sad to me, but it is my truth right now.
I'm just waiting until therapy later this week to try to continue processing. I don't feel I have it in me to dig up the hurt again. Every few days it is brought up by other stuff and that is enough for me. The hurt is so deep, and so profound and I don't think I can let it fully wash over me right now in order to surrender. I'm scared of the hurt, of feeling the full brunt of it. I will get there eventually, but not right now. For today I'll stay on the surface and do other things that need to be done.
Monday, June 8, 2015
One Step Back, Two Baby Steps Forward: Part III
So, for the final baby step of the big step back and two steps forward we go to The Lion King.
We watched it with our son and we both had moments, for very different reasons. I might talk more about what I found in it in another post. B was very touched by the part where Mufasa appears in the stars and reminds Simba who he is. See the scene below.
On Sunday we were discussing our days and B indicated he is on a spiritual high and that he feels he is on the cusp of a change in perspective about his worth. I think he is so close to believing he has individual worth, because it is his birthright. It is something that contradicts nearly everything he has been taught to believe about himself so that knowledge will not come easily. The adversary will be putting up a big fight in B's journey to that part of his testimony. I hope he gets there though. His baby steps toward that knowledge is encouraging because I really feel it would change a lot. It would give him hope where he previously hasn't had any because he has such incredibly low self-esteem and such a low sense of worth.
This makes me grateful for the Young Women values. I had lessons on individual worth all through my teenage years. I might not have let it all sink in, and I have had my struggles. But I had the vocabulary, I had the lessons in the back on my mind somewhere, I have the theme to fall back on. As I have found more of my own confidence in my recovery journey I have changed for the better. I have become less willing to have things in my life that detract from the spirit. I have found my voice more. I have hopes that as B works to discover his self-worth he will have some of the same benefits.
This is a hard place. After such a huge blow up, and the feelings of being unsafe and all the emotional and verbal abuse it is hard to be in a good space. His honesty in the past few days and his efforts to keep out the spiritual and to dig deeper into himself have been baby steps in the right direction. I feel that these are not fake moments, but I also know that the spiritual high will come down. The temptations will return. The long-practiced patterns of blaming, abusing will still be the default so there is lots of work to be done.
For now, I'm glad he seems to be really trying to do the work. I have said, in no uncertain terms, that I will not be physically trapped again. I will not be fearful for my safety. If there is a next time he will be moving out, because it is just not ok at all. We slept in the same bed last night but today we both agreed that it was too soon and we will be sleeping apart for at least another week. I still feel raw. I am so hurt and betrayed. I feel weak and afraid. I feel sad and abused. I feel calm and hopeful. None of it makes sense but I have decided to just have confidence in myself and my ability to just live in the moment. If the moment is hopeful I am giving myself permission to have hope. If the moment is happy I am giving myself permission to be happy with B. If the moment is sad then I have permission to just be sad. If the moment is raw and emotional then I give myself permission to be raw, to require space, to want hugs, to want distance, to express myself or to keep it to myself to stay safe. I just am allowed to feel whatever I feel and do whatever is right for that moment, for that day.
In this moment I have hope and I have very real trauma to work through and that is okay. I am a daughter of God and with that comes power to overcome this trauma.
We watched it with our son and we both had moments, for very different reasons. I might talk more about what I found in it in another post. B was very touched by the part where Mufasa appears in the stars and reminds Simba who he is. See the scene below.
On Sunday we were discussing our days and B indicated he is on a spiritual high and that he feels he is on the cusp of a change in perspective about his worth. I think he is so close to believing he has individual worth, because it is his birthright. It is something that contradicts nearly everything he has been taught to believe about himself so that knowledge will not come easily. The adversary will be putting up a big fight in B's journey to that part of his testimony. I hope he gets there though. His baby steps toward that knowledge is encouraging because I really feel it would change a lot. It would give him hope where he previously hasn't had any because he has such incredibly low self-esteem and such a low sense of worth.
This makes me grateful for the Young Women values. I had lessons on individual worth all through my teenage years. I might not have let it all sink in, and I have had my struggles. But I had the vocabulary, I had the lessons in the back on my mind somewhere, I have the theme to fall back on. As I have found more of my own confidence in my recovery journey I have changed for the better. I have become less willing to have things in my life that detract from the spirit. I have found my voice more. I have hopes that as B works to discover his self-worth he will have some of the same benefits.
This is a hard place. After such a huge blow up, and the feelings of being unsafe and all the emotional and verbal abuse it is hard to be in a good space. His honesty in the past few days and his efforts to keep out the spiritual and to dig deeper into himself have been baby steps in the right direction. I feel that these are not fake moments, but I also know that the spiritual high will come down. The temptations will return. The long-practiced patterns of blaming, abusing will still be the default so there is lots of work to be done.
For now, I'm glad he seems to be really trying to do the work. I have said, in no uncertain terms, that I will not be physically trapped again. I will not be fearful for my safety. If there is a next time he will be moving out, because it is just not ok at all. We slept in the same bed last night but today we both agreed that it was too soon and we will be sleeping apart for at least another week. I still feel raw. I am so hurt and betrayed. I feel weak and afraid. I feel sad and abused. I feel calm and hopeful. None of it makes sense but I have decided to just have confidence in myself and my ability to just live in the moment. If the moment is hopeful I am giving myself permission to have hope. If the moment is happy I am giving myself permission to be happy with B. If the moment is sad then I have permission to just be sad. If the moment is raw and emotional then I give myself permission to be raw, to require space, to want hugs, to want distance, to express myself or to keep it to myself to stay safe. I just am allowed to feel whatever I feel and do whatever is right for that moment, for that day.
In this moment I have hope and I have very real trauma to work through and that is okay. I am a daughter of God and with that comes power to overcome this trauma.
One Step Back, Two Baby Steps Forward: Part II
The Big Step Back happened on a Thursday evening/Friday morning. This is a post about the first baby step forward.
Friday evening we tried to talk again. Saturday was full of family events and a double date that we had planned so we wanted to at least attempt to be able to have cordial conversation since we wouldn't be able to ignore each other.
It went semi-okay. Toward the end it got more tense as B tried to explain that he just wants the "issue" to be separate from our relationship and that he felt like I kept trying to mush them together. I told him that there isn't a separation because the "issue" directly affects our relationship and our relationship will not be fixed the "issue" is still there. He argued some more and eventually said something along the lines of "I just want to get past this and have a good marriage" and I said, VERY FIRMLY "Then STOP looking at porn" to which he shut down the conversation and said it was over.
I left.
I felt completely empty and alone and like there was nothing left. I went to my room, alone, and cried in the dark. I prayed and begged Heavenly Father for help with the hurt. The weight of all the times he's masturbated and viewed pornography and lusted after women real and pixelated was too much.
B heard me crying and came in. I wanted him there, to see the hurt, to make it better, but I wanted him gone, to leave me be, to not hurt me anymore. He stood in the doorway as I was crouching against the opposite wall.
He had a breakthrough. Thursday in therapy our therapist introduced the topic of co-dependency to us. I have a pretty solid understanding of what this is and have been working on my own codependency for a while but B had never heard of it. (I gave up trying to teach him stuff like this a while ago). B, in the doorway, told me that he feels like he needs to stop looking to me for his happiness and start finding another source. He said it was similar to an incident a couple years ago where he really did have an epiphany and change a big part of his behavior with his family. He felt the same about whatever was going on inside him in that moment. He saw the flawed system of being wholly dependent on me for his happiness - it wasn't working. I was proud of him in that moment. I was still totally injured and broken, but I saw a glimmer of hope in him that I have not seen before. Something stuck, in his heart, that could mean big things for him and for us.
For an addict to see and acknowledge such a flaw in himself was a step in the right direction. We still are sleeping apart, but there is hope.
Friday evening we tried to talk again. Saturday was full of family events and a double date that we had planned so we wanted to at least attempt to be able to have cordial conversation since we wouldn't be able to ignore each other.
It went semi-okay. Toward the end it got more tense as B tried to explain that he just wants the "issue" to be separate from our relationship and that he felt like I kept trying to mush them together. I told him that there isn't a separation because the "issue" directly affects our relationship and our relationship will not be fixed the "issue" is still there. He argued some more and eventually said something along the lines of "I just want to get past this and have a good marriage" and I said, VERY FIRMLY "Then STOP looking at porn" to which he shut down the conversation and said it was over.
I left.
I felt completely empty and alone and like there was nothing left. I went to my room, alone, and cried in the dark. I prayed and begged Heavenly Father for help with the hurt. The weight of all the times he's masturbated and viewed pornography and lusted after women real and pixelated was too much.
B heard me crying and came in. I wanted him there, to see the hurt, to make it better, but I wanted him gone, to leave me be, to not hurt me anymore. He stood in the doorway as I was crouching against the opposite wall.
He had a breakthrough. Thursday in therapy our therapist introduced the topic of co-dependency to us. I have a pretty solid understanding of what this is and have been working on my own codependency for a while but B had never heard of it. (I gave up trying to teach him stuff like this a while ago). B, in the doorway, told me that he feels like he needs to stop looking to me for his happiness and start finding another source. He said it was similar to an incident a couple years ago where he really did have an epiphany and change a big part of his behavior with his family. He felt the same about whatever was going on inside him in that moment. He saw the flawed system of being wholly dependent on me for his happiness - it wasn't working. I was proud of him in that moment. I was still totally injured and broken, but I saw a glimmer of hope in him that I have not seen before. Something stuck, in his heart, that could mean big things for him and for us.
For an addict to see and acknowledge such a flaw in himself was a step in the right direction. We still are sleeping apart, but there is hope.
Friday, May 22, 2015
Tender Mercy - My hurt was important to someone
Last time we left therapy I shared with B how it was good, but generally I don't find it helpful for me. We have, to this point, solely focused on B and his addiction. Don't get me wrong, I think that is incredibly important. I SHOULD be that way. But the consequence is that I don't talk or get talked to much.
I feel that I have a pretty solid foundation, and with the wonderful communities of WoPAs I am a part of online I have many resources to learn and grow and feel validated. I have been working on being okay with my bishop and my therapist not really getting my pain. I was told 1 (or 5) too many times to support B, so I had pretty much written them both off as potential support people for my own healing.
Yesterday we returned to therapy. Our therapist started by telling us there were a couple things he wanted to do with the time the first of which was talk to me alone. We were both kind of surprised but said okay. B stepped out after a few more minutes. Then our therapist told me he had been wanting to talk to me alone for a while to see how I am doing and give me an opportunity to fully express myself and what I am going through. He apologized that it hadn't happened sooner and said that he felt he needed to get B a few tools first because he was in dire need of them. (I agree with that). He also told me that earlier in the week he had attended a bishopric training and my bishop had spoken to him and told him that if I desired my own therapy session, separate from the couples session, that funding would be available to help me get it.
What the what!?
When my bishop asked recently how therapy was going I said it was going well, but I don't think the therapist totally understands what spouses go through and I don't talk much. I expressed that it really was going well and helpful so far despite this. The fact that he HEARD me, and went about being an instrument in the hands of the Lord to ensure that I got help in a way he couldn't offer is amazing. The fact that the therapist HEARD the bishop, and probably the spirit, and reached out to me is amazing. The fact that B was totally in support of the added session and the time taken yesterday for me during our session in amazing.
What I felt most was a warm embrace from my Savior and a reminder that I am loved, I am not forgotten, and I matter. My trial matters too, it need not be overshadowed by B's trial. It has been wonderful to feel the love from all three of these men as they followed the promptings of the spirit and shared my Savior's love for me. As WoPAs we band together and rise above and that has been such a huge support and probably the biggest factor in my healing. I will say though, having men (who have heretofore been either the cause of my pain, or just unable to understand or help at all) tell me my pain is important as well has been pretty darn great.
I feel that I have a pretty solid foundation, and with the wonderful communities of WoPAs I am a part of online I have many resources to learn and grow and feel validated. I have been working on being okay with my bishop and my therapist not really getting my pain. I was told 1 (or 5) too many times to support B, so I had pretty much written them both off as potential support people for my own healing.
Yesterday we returned to therapy. Our therapist started by telling us there were a couple things he wanted to do with the time the first of which was talk to me alone. We were both kind of surprised but said okay. B stepped out after a few more minutes. Then our therapist told me he had been wanting to talk to me alone for a while to see how I am doing and give me an opportunity to fully express myself and what I am going through. He apologized that it hadn't happened sooner and said that he felt he needed to get B a few tools first because he was in dire need of them. (I agree with that). He also told me that earlier in the week he had attended a bishopric training and my bishop had spoken to him and told him that if I desired my own therapy session, separate from the couples session, that funding would be available to help me get it.
What the what!?
When my bishop asked recently how therapy was going I said it was going well, but I don't think the therapist totally understands what spouses go through and I don't talk much. I expressed that it really was going well and helpful so far despite this. The fact that he HEARD me, and went about being an instrument in the hands of the Lord to ensure that I got help in a way he couldn't offer is amazing. The fact that the therapist HEARD the bishop, and probably the spirit, and reached out to me is amazing. The fact that B was totally in support of the added session and the time taken yesterday for me during our session in amazing.
What I felt most was a warm embrace from my Savior and a reminder that I am loved, I am not forgotten, and I matter. My trial matters too, it need not be overshadowed by B's trial. It has been wonderful to feel the love from all three of these men as they followed the promptings of the spirit and shared my Savior's love for me. As WoPAs we band together and rise above and that has been such a huge support and probably the biggest factor in my healing. I will say though, having men (who have heretofore been either the cause of my pain, or just unable to understand or help at all) tell me my pain is important as well has been pretty darn great.
Friday, April 17, 2015
Sometimes I can deal, sometimes I can't
Therapy has been helpful to us. I would say 6 weeks ago we were both seriously considering (but not admitting to each other) just leaving, or asking the other to leave. We've been in therapy a couple months and now we aren't there anymore, but the addiction is still super present. Weekly check-ins have been weekly disclosures. Typically once a week. I've been able to deal pretty well. I have been at peace, I have been able to not go to negative emotions, I have been able to appropriately (I hope) be loving and supportive but not condoning. He has worked hard to be the one to bring up the check-ins and volunteer the information. This has gone a long way to helping me have some peace. The lying is the WORST so when he volunteers information I know he would rather keep from me I know he is working on things in some small way.
A week ago the disclosure included a twice in one day, that day being Easter. Yikes. Threw me off balance a bit, but I thought I had it under control and was using my healing resources and steps. Then this week it was three days of acting out, in one week. While I was at home. I didn't yell, or shove (I have done both recently) but I also haven't let myself deal. I'm just numbing. I have too much, I have school, a wedding cake, a child, work, a loved one who just found out about her hubs addiction, cleaning, church service, etc. There is not room or time for me to process my emotions because if I let them come, they will pretty much knock me on my bum for a day or two.
So, I've been quiet. I've thought about it on my commutes, but I haven't let all the feelings come up. I'm squashing them with "you should just be fine" and "you've been feeling peace for several weeks, what did you do to cause yourself to lose that peace?" and "stop being so weak and fearful, you are stronger than that" and "he still told you, he went to group, what more can you possibly expect or want at this point?"
I feel lonely even when I know I am not alone. It still feels that way. We made a little progress last night when B let me express some feelings without getting defensive and then showed an increase in love. But then I could feel him shutting down, shutting it out. He didn't bring it up again, he played on his damn tablet while we watched a show, and he didn't saw "I love you" when we went to bed or when I left this morning. Duh, I can't rely on the addict to help me feel not alone. That was my bad, I should know I can't trust him to do that. It is great when he does, but not consistent.
I think I need to read through step one again, surrender. My mantra right now should be feel, and then surrender the feels so there is room for better feels to grow. Feel the feels and then surrender the feels... just how?
A week ago the disclosure included a twice in one day, that day being Easter. Yikes. Threw me off balance a bit, but I thought I had it under control and was using my healing resources and steps. Then this week it was three days of acting out, in one week. While I was at home. I didn't yell, or shove (I have done both recently) but I also haven't let myself deal. I'm just numbing. I have too much, I have school, a wedding cake, a child, work, a loved one who just found out about her hubs addiction, cleaning, church service, etc. There is not room or time for me to process my emotions because if I let them come, they will pretty much knock me on my bum for a day or two.
So, I've been quiet. I've thought about it on my commutes, but I haven't let all the feelings come up. I'm squashing them with "you should just be fine" and "you've been feeling peace for several weeks, what did you do to cause yourself to lose that peace?" and "stop being so weak and fearful, you are stronger than that" and "he still told you, he went to group, what more can you possibly expect or want at this point?"
I feel lonely even when I know I am not alone. It still feels that way. We made a little progress last night when B let me express some feelings without getting defensive and then showed an increase in love. But then I could feel him shutting down, shutting it out. He didn't bring it up again, he played on his damn tablet while we watched a show, and he didn't saw "I love you" when we went to bed or when I left this morning. Duh, I can't rely on the addict to help me feel not alone. That was my bad, I should know I can't trust him to do that. It is great when he does, but not consistent.
I think I need to read through step one again, surrender. My mantra right now should be feel, and then surrender the feels so there is room for better feels to grow. Feel the feels and then surrender the feels... just how?
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