Today I Have Hope - An Answered Prayer

Today I have hope. My little one has been quite sick for five days. He's had a cough, fever, runny nose, and has been very lethargic. He hasn't slept well (so we haven't slept well) and wouldn't eat well. Last night B and a friend gave little man a blessing. Little Man didn't sleep well again and had a fever. This morning I asked B what the blessing said, and it indicated he would be healed. With my little baby warm against my chest and his rattling breathing the only sound I heard I sent prayers up to my Heavenly Father asking Him to heal my son today. I told Heavenly Father I knew he would be healed because of the blessing and our faith but I was asking for that to happen today, to stop his suffering, allow him to sleep and heal him please. Please. His little body cooled off within fifteen minutes. He slept for a full hour on the drive home from where we were sleeping at a friends. When he woke up he was energetic and smiling and is now happily playing in the room beside and back to getting into everything he shouldn't. I KNOW that Heavenly Father heard and answered my prayer this morning.

Heavenly Father knows each of us and loves each of us and wants to help us and heal us and most importantly wants us to learn what we need to learn in order to be with Him again someday.

I trust Heavenly Father. He knows what is best for me, for B, and for little man. He knows how we can get back to Him someday and He will not let my short-comings or B's short-comings get in the way of my son's eternal salvation. Today I have hope that the path I am on is the one the Lord intended me to be on. It is the path that he will use to teach me what I need to know, and give me the opportunity to prove myself and act on my faith. It sucks and I don't know if my marriage will last and I don't know if ours will be an eternal marriage, but I have hope that it will. I have hope that I will see my Father in Heaven and my Savior again.

Honesty

As I've mentioned in the previous post my husband is an artist so the quote above really struck me.

Throughout our marriage I've always maintained that honesty is the most important thing. I've done all I can to convince him that lack of honesty on his part is worse than the masturbation, worse than the porn, worse than the vocalization of his view of my body in comparison to the "ideal." And I thought for a long time that he was being honest with me. He always answered my questions. His answers seemed reasonable, and I thought they were the full truth. I want to give credit where credit is due - B does give me part of the truth. He does say hard things when I ask. For several months he was even disclosing to me voluntarily when he acted out. However, I've come to realize that I've never had the full truth and he has convinced himself that he is still being honest, and withholding pieces is okay because they aren't important or they would hurt me.

Last night I was contemplating why, after all this time, I'm suddenly catching him in lies right and left (okay, not right and left but at least 3 BIG ones in the past two weeks). How is it that for so long I rarely, if ever caught him in a half truth? Why now and so much? I don't think it is because he is getting more careless. I'm not getting more snoopy either. The thought occurred to me that maybe it is because I'm ready for more. Maybe Heavenly Father is seeing fit to allow me to see more of the truth because I'm ready for it.

Don't get me wrong, it has HURT. I'm not sure what to do with my new found knowledge. I'm kind of falling apart every other day. However, I think overall I'm dealing pretty well. I keep coming around to the gospel, to my testimony of the Savior and His atonement. I haven't kicked B in the family jewels like I day-dream about. I even got a 4.0 in the semester that just ended (for the first time in my collegiate career!) I'm still completing my work and my son is still growing, and learning, and developing. I'd say I'm doing pretty damn well actually!

Anyway, all this has me thinking a lot about honesty. I feel it is absolutely necessary as the foundation of a healthy, loving, complete, and fulfilling relationship. Without honesty how can there be real love? Without honesty there can't be real vulnerability. Without honesty how can a relationship progress toward a celestial marriage? I believe that in the end the truth will come out, whether that be in this life or the next so if this entire life is built on lies then how does a relationship heal when it comes out after this life? That seems like it would be pretty darn difficult. Lies are a tool of the adversary to cause trouble, trouble in the liar's spiritual life, and in the relationship in which the lies exist. He is, after all, the father of all lies.  Lies are so destructive. I know B tells lies to "save" me from being hurt but I think in reality it is just putting off the hurt and pain and closeness we can gain through the vulnerability that comes with honesty.

A Secret Pinterest.com Board for art "reference"

B is an artist by trade. Mostly animation. Artists use pinterest to collect reference and ideas and such. Several months ago I noticed he had pinned several drawings that were more seductive than I thought appropriate. He made a weak defense about why they are helpful reference but conceded to delete them as there are literally THOUSANDS of other reference  images that can accomplish the same task with less bobs and butts.

Today I got on the computer and went to pinterest. He was already logged in and he pins interesting things so I started perusing his boards. There was a secret board called "processes" meaning drawing processes. The cover photo looked cool, some kind of pencil sketch of a robot. I thought it was suspicious that he had a secret board but tried to refrain from judgement since the cover photo wasn't porn. I opened the board. Nothing bad. Until I scrolled down and saw the " reference" and "processes" a little ways down. Who knows when these were pinned or what he's used them for. I called him on it and he tried to explain them away. Since he knows I don't like that but it helps him feel "inpired" (yes, he said that) he had made a secret board. Then family came in and we decided to shelve it for later.

I feel lied to all over again. He claims these aren't the ones he claimed to have deleted, these came later. Either way it is still deceptive and I don't believe for one second that the images were purely viewed for the artistic education. I call B.S.

I'm numbing for now. I can't deal until I have a moment to myself away from my in-laws.

I know I can be okay. I know I am worth more than being viewed as valuable based on the perceived appeal of a collection of body parts.  I know at least my Savior loves me.

Trying Hard to have a good day

Today I am just grateful that at this point we are both trying hard to have a successful, calm, happy Christmas week. We got lost today and that always makes for a tense situation. B was driving, whick makes it more tense. We got honked at and cut off (utah really does have rude drivers), our son was a snotty, tired, clingy mess because he is sick, B is trying to squeeze in work hours, and I didn't do the grocery shopping until 7pm tonight. However, before we were even home from our adventure we were joking about how today will be a funny story someday. We were able to discuss the tension and move forward. We congratulated ourselves on no name calling, or yelling. And I requested a new, temporary boundary for the unique work week B has  while on vacation and he was TOTALLY cool with it. Today, like all the days the last couple months, the issues and anger aren't too far below the surface but we BOTH tried hard to not let them win and today we both succeded.  That feels a bit like a Christmas miracle and seeing B try so hard reminded me a bit of why I love the guy so darn much.

"So Am I"

Last night B and I had a long conversation about the state of our marriage, the recent lies, and how we are feeling. It was a tough conversation. Neither of us really know where to go from here. The basics, as I understand them, are:

1) I expect transparency
2) He does not feel transparency is healthy for me, him, or us
3) I can't force his honesty and I don't trust him to give it now

By the end of the conversation we were both pretty emotionally raw.  I told him I'm scared of what rock-bottom will look like if he hasn't yet reached it. I'm scared of him choosing porn over his family and either leaving us, or making it bad enough that I choose to leave him. When we were basically done I said, "I'm worth it, you know." To which he responded, "So am I."

My knee-jerk thought was "That's not what I meant! I meant I'M WORTH FIGHTING FOR! I'm worth going through the work to OVERCOME YOUR ADDICTION!" I am. I am worth all the work it would take him to get sober and find recovery. However, he's walking a line trying to have both because he loves porn too. His response caught me off-guard because I'm not addicted. What was "it" that he was talking about?

I went to bed sobbing over the state of our relationship and pondering what he meant. The more I think about it, the more it pulls at my heart strings. He is worth fighting for too. I know this for lots of reasons but first and foremost is that the Savior already decided B was worth it. The Savior would have atoned and taken the weight of all the pain, and sin, and heartache, and suffering just for B and the Savior would have died just for B. B is worth it. B is worth the fight against the influence of the adversary when he tempts me to be angry, to be selfish, to be indignant and vengeful. I'm not saying that I believe in being an enabler, because that is not what the Savior is. But I believe that B is worth my time and energy and efforts to become more Christ-like that I might do my part to make our marriage work. B was just a boy, with a working mother, an absentee father, and late-night television commercials, who got sucked in.

I don't know why the Lord saw fit to guide me to him and to confirm my desire to marry B. I do know this trial has already made me more compassionate, more sensitive to things of the spirit, and more understanding of the sacred nature of the sexual relationship between a man and spouse. I know that my relationship with my Savior has grown more deep, and loving, and full because of this trial. If I do my part it will continue to do that. If I do my part, maybe, just maybe, I'll end up with an eternal marriage to B. Either way, if I do my part, I will gain my own eternal salvation and all that was lost will be restored and I will be able to return to my Father in Heaven and have him declare me a good a faithful servant.

When the anger was taken from me while I taught Sunday School

I am a Sunday School teacher for the youth in our ward. There are about a dozen and I enjoy my calling very much.

Last Saturday, after a week of arguing with myself over whether to ask or not, I asked B about pornography. For a week I had thought that he had probably acted out simply because it was "time" in his cycle but since he had been so good for six months at coming to me within 24 hours I kept telling myself I should just trust him. Well, again I learn I should have listened to my gut. B told me he had acted out several times the previous week and had decided not to tell me.

The anger didn't boil up right away. I recently read that we too often listen to respond rather than listen to understand and I didn't want to do that. So I listened to him to understand and didn't react or respond much. By the time I was going to bed that night the anger was overcoming me. How could he LIE to me for a week? And I felt he was still hiding behind vague answers during that conversation. What am I supposed to do? I have boundaries in place, and B slept on the couch that night. What do I do if I don't know when he is looking at pornography? Don't get me wrong, we've been down that road before but I feel that I've come so far in my own recovery and I am no longer willing to accept a life of ignoring the elephant in the room. Since B doesn't want to acknowledge when the elephant walks over to the bed from the corner I'm not sure what boundaries should be in place. It is something I'll have to think and pray about.

Anyway, I woke up Sunday still pretty mad and hurt. We didn't speak much or touch at all. As I was teaching my Sunday School lesson the tears were so close to the surface. The lesson went okay, but was not anything to write home about. At the end I took about five minutes to bear my testimony of the Savior and all the sudden I just felt the spirit envelop me very strongly. As I spoke of Him, the miracle of His birth, His ministry, and His infinite atonement I was touched. And in those five minutes Heavenly Father granted me the blessing of removing the anger from my heart and filling it with peace.

When I saw B to take our son for third hour so B could teach I finally spoke to him. I put my hand on his cheek and just said "I love you" and I knew he could feel that I meant it.

It never fails to amaze me how infinite the atonement of our Savior is. When I turn to Him, He will remove the anger from my heart. He will fill me with peace, and guidance, and love. During sacrament meeting I just kept thinking that I will end up being cheated on (meaning with a real-live woman) and by third hour I just had peace that it will all work out. It might not look like I want it to, but it will all be okay if I keep my relationship with my Savior intact and nurtured.