Fear is so powerful. When I am feeling fearful I can hardly focus on anything else. I become immobilized. There is still a lot I fear, especially where this addiction is concerned.
I am afraid that I will need to leave B at some point.
I am afraid that B will leave me.
I am afraid that we'll make it through this life but we won't be able to be together in the next.
I am afraid of how this addiction will affect my son.
I am afraid that B will never be sober or overcome his addiction.
I am afraid of the addiction escalating to more than it is now.
So, what will happen if some of all of these things come true? In the scriptures Job says:
Job 3:25 "For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me"
And you know what, he survived. He has now become a shining example of faith and perseverance and trust in God. The thing which he GREATLY FEARED happened. And he was okay. Even if all the things on my list happen, I know that I will be okay because the Savior is on my side and has gone before me.
One of my best friends had to leave a marriage filled with this lust addiction, infidelity, emotional abuse, and physical abuse. When she got married it was in the temple, full of hope, and love, and trust. I daresay that some of her greatest fears were similar to the ones I've listed and she had to live them and so much more. And I watched it shake her to the very core. It shook her self-esteem, her testimony, her trust in herself, her emotional well-being. But then I watched her overcome. I watched her choose to rely on the Savior even when she wasn't sure if it would help. I watched her choose to go to church when people were judging her divorce. I watched her learn to love again and trust again with the Savior's help. The world is chalk-full of stories of people who have faced their greatest fears and who have SURVIVED and even THRIVED.
If I leave B, or if B leaves me, or if our son has emotional scars, or if B is never sober, or he does other things that hurt me, I will SURVIVE and I will THRIVE because Heavenly Father has a plan for me and that includes sending His Son to die for me so that I can survive and thrive. My Savior understands, and He knows, and He will help to heal me, to put me back together, and to make me whole should I have to face my fears.
BRAVO. You've written down all of OUR fears too. These are MY fears. The things that keep me up at night. The things I cry and worry over. We are living our worst nightmares but we are survivors. BRAVO.
ReplyDeleteMy fears list is similar. Interestingly, I wrote my list in the summer and then in the fall some of it came true. And, it was devastating, but I am okay. With the Savior.
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