Have you seen the movie "The Break Up" with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn? I saw it many years ago and haven't seen it recently but one scene always stuck with me. They are arguing about lots of things, and doing the dishes comes up because Vince Vaughn's character makes a big deal of being reluctant and put-upon when asked to help do the dishes. He says "Why would I want to do the dishes?!" and she responds with "I want you to WANT to do the dishes!"
Isn't this argument so telling about what we really want? We want closeness. We want someone to want us, to care about us, to think about us. To quote Cheap Trick, "I want you want me."
My anniversary is coming up. We made out-of-town day plans but I can't go because of school. I told B last night that I can't leave for the entire day and in our conversation this morning he said he was still planning on being gone all day doing the thing we were going to do together. So, I guess that leaves me alone, all day, on our anniversary. We'll see if his plans change before the actual day. I want him to want to spend our anniversary together. I don't want him to spend it with me because I ask him to stay. I want him to want to stay in order to be with me.
Asking defeats what I want because then he might just stay because I asked him to, not because he wanted to stay himself. However, in an effort to be honest and forthcoming and not manipulative I told him this morning that although the activity he might attend would be great I want to spend time with him on our anniversary. All he said was, "I know." He didn't even look at me. He just kept feeding the baby. He didn't say, "Me too" or "That is what we'll do" or anything that indicated he wanted to spend time with me on our 5 year anniversary. It hurt. It stung. Now what do I do? I want him to want me. He doesn't need to want to spend every hour of every day with me. But I want him to want to spend our anniversary evening together. As of right now he'll be gone all day instead, because that is what he is choosing. I'm feeling hurt today. I'm feeling fearful of a special day being ruined. I'm feeling fearful of bursting into tears in front of strangers, or class-mates, or the bus driver.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
The One Where I don't like a popular song
There is a new-ish song that I've heard several times on the radio. The first time I heard this song it rubbed me the wrong way and every time since I like it less and less. I want to share why. The song is called "God Made Girls" The song is all about why God made girls, with the reason being for guys. God made girls to rock the guys world, to drag him to church, to wear skirts, to make him get dressed up, to give him a reason to wash his truck. I think I get the sentiment - guys and girls compliment each other. However, I just really really dislike the way this sentiment is expressed. God did NOT make girls FOR boys. We are not subservient to men. Our sole purpose is not to elevate the life of the men in the world. I am not made solely to please my husband, or fix him, or care for him. I am more than that. It just seems like the lyrics promote that the goal is for men to be successful, and they needed help to be successful, so women were made to get them the rest of the way.
No, no no. We are all made to be successful and we can all help each other along the way, but my purpose is not solely to make B successful. It is for me to be successful too - and my success isn't measured by whether or not B is successful. I think that is the root of my discontent. It seems that if God made girls for all these things then if he doesn't go to church, or open the door, or wash his truck it is somehow the girl's fault. That is the lie. Nobody is responsible for another person's actions. Everyone is responsible for themselves. Guys can wash their own damn truck without a girl around to motivate them. They can get to church for themselves, on their own, regardless of whether or not a female is encouraging them.
Maybe if this addiction wasn't part of my life I would feel differently about this song. But that is not my reality. My reality is that things are affected by the presence of this addiction. But maybe, just maybe, the effects are good because I'm more sensitive to so many lies that exist in our culture. I'm better at identifying them. I'm better at rejecting them. I'm better at seeking the truth and shunning the lies.
No, no no. We are all made to be successful and we can all help each other along the way, but my purpose is not solely to make B successful. It is for me to be successful too - and my success isn't measured by whether or not B is successful. I think that is the root of my discontent. It seems that if God made girls for all these things then if he doesn't go to church, or open the door, or wash his truck it is somehow the girl's fault. That is the lie. Nobody is responsible for another person's actions. Everyone is responsible for themselves. Guys can wash their own damn truck without a girl around to motivate them. They can get to church for themselves, on their own, regardless of whether or not a female is encouraging them.
Maybe if this addiction wasn't part of my life I would feel differently about this song. But that is not my reality. My reality is that things are affected by the presence of this addiction. But maybe, just maybe, the effects are good because I'm more sensitive to so many lies that exist in our culture. I'm better at identifying them. I'm better at rejecting them. I'm better at seeking the truth and shunning the lies.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Boundaries are Working
For the longest time I held off on boundaries. I couldn't figure them out and I didn't like the idea of physical space as a consequence because I was afraid. Isn't that such a common emotion for WoPAs? I was afraid of pushing him away, of pushing him to pornography, of making him angry, of physical space not helping, of feeling and being alone. I was so afraid. Over time I finally realized what I was doing wasn't working so I might as well try something new. I set up my boundaries. The consequence of many of them is us sleeping apart for a time so I can get my space, focus on my healing, focus on myself, and so I don't have to sleep as close the edge as physically possible as I try desperately to not bump into my husband as he sleeps next to me and I am so upset with him.
The first sleep apart boundary I set was because all of the sudden I couldn't sleep. I was used to B staying up later than me but all of the sudden it was making it impossible for me to sleep. So, I decided if he wasn't in bed within 30 minutes after I was in bed then I didn't want to sleep in the same bed. That first night I slept SO WELL knowing that he wouldn't be coming to bed at 2am possibly having acted out for me to find out the next day. It has really helped my sleeping since as well. This experience gave me the courage to set other boundaries. B and I have only slept in the same bed twice in nearly two weeks but I am feeling pretty darn good. I'm feeling peace (mostly). I feel safe and like I have a way to protect myself and allow myself the time I need to heal.
When I set my first two boundaries (before the bed time one) I called a friend and sobbed uncontrollably because this is what my life had come to and it was another realization of what I've lost, or what I never had to begin with. My friend told me that I would know if my boundaries were working by how I felt, if they gave me more peace, and if I felt more safe.
My boundaries are working right now! It makes me so happy to know that I can do something to help me feel safe while being married to man stuck in his addiction. It makes me feel like I don't have to be a victim, I don't have to let this thing destroy me, and I can be happy no matter what circumstances surround me. I love my boundaries because of how much they help protect me. I hated that I had to make boundaries to feel safe but situations are what they are and I have to live with them and this is the way for me to do that successfully so I will.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Step One - Part 3
This post is part of my step work through the "Healing Through Christ Manual" in which I answer the questions presented at the end of each step to work my way through what was taught. The "Healing Through Christ" manual can be downloaded for free at healingthroughchrist.org.
IDENTIFYING NEGATIVE EMOTIONS
Processing my Negative Emotions
1. What are the negative emotions I struggle with? How can I process my negative emotions? How often do I struggle with negative thoughts and experience fearful or angry emotions about my loved one's addiction? Have my thoughts and worries interfered with eating and sleeping patterns? Have I struggled with feelings of hopelessness and depression? To what extent?
I struggle with anger and sadness most. I get angry that he repeats the addiction cycle over and over. I get angry that I am in this situation. I get angry that I don't have the full fidelity of my husband. I get angry that I don't have control. I also get sad and self-conscience. I am sad for all the same reasons I am angry and that often turns into a critique of my physical body. Keeping my body image healthy is extremely challenging while facing my husband's sexual addiction.
I can process my negative emotions by identifying them as such. I am feeling angry because... I am feeling sad because... I am feeling bad about myself because... And recognizing the source of negative emotions is the adversary. Once I convince myself the source is the adversary who wants to bring me down and destroy my marriage it is easier to choose to "let go and let God", turn my emotions over to him, and seek out ways to fill the space with positive emotions.
I struggle with negative emotions in some form daily. Usually the daily thoughts are fleeting and brief and I can process them quickly. About every 2 weeks I have more trouble processing these emotions quickly and it takes a couple days. These thoughts and worries interfere with my eating habits mildly by my over-eating to console myself but they do interfere with my sleep if I haven't processed by bedtime.
I have struggled with feelings of hopelessness more than feelings of depression. These feelings come only once a month or so when I am having a really hard time processing other negative emotions at the same time as B is having a hard time with processing his negative emotions. When we are BOTH negative at the same time it feels more hopeless.
The Wolf Parable
From "Healing Through Christ" - The Wolf Parable
An elder Apache was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me; it is a terrible fight that is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, self-pity, guilt, resentment, lies, and pride. The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside you and inside every other person too." The grandchildren thought about the story for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?" The old grandfather simply replied, "The one you feed."
1. Which wolf do I feed most often? What can I learn from the feelings I have when I feed either wolf ? (Read D&C 50:23-25) How do negative emotions interfere with my ability to respond appropriately to my addicted loved one?
I honestly feel that feed the good wolf most often. There are certainly days or moments where I feed the bad wolf and let myself slip into negative emotions. But more and more I'm learning to recognize the negative emotions when they start and halt them, knowing they are of the adversary and it is slippery slope to ruin an entire day or week if I succumb in those first moments of temptation. When I do allow the negative emotions to fester (and sometimes I do because I'm not perfect and sometimes I want to have a pity-party) it totally destroys my ability to be there for my addicted loved one. I am unfeeling, withdrawn, snippy, unproductive, and selfish with my time and my energy and my emotions. I think that is the biggest thing - I get selfish. I don't want to put myself out there. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to spend time with him. I don't want to be nice to him. I want to make him feel the pain that I am feeling (misery loves company). I get selfish when I feed the bad wolf.
Recognize the adversary's influence
1. What are the lies the adversary whispers into my mind? How do these lies affect my behavior? What is the truth about each of the lies I have listed? How can replacing untruthful thoughts with accurate information help me?
The lie that is whispered into my mind most often is that I am too fat to be desirable. I believed this one for a long time. Before marriage I always longed for the day when I would be married and finally be accepted for me and have a husband that saw me as beautiful because he saw past the extra pounds. Seriously, that was what I expected of marriage - a man who would love me for me and the weight wouldn't bother him because it is just part of me. Oh, YOWSA was I wrong about that one. SO SO WRONG. My problem was I was waiting for the day when validation from a man would make me comfortable in my own skin. Once I was married and realized this was NOT going to happen any time soon in my marriage I got angry, really angry. I felt like I had been seriously short-changed. I work hard on my spiritual self, my mental self, my emotional self, but all that was being considered was my physical self and because that came up short I was undesirable. Why would Heavenly Father have led me to someone who rips open my biggest weakness and pours acid on the pain? When B told me he resented that he was led to someone who was lacking in physical self-confidence and who struggled with her weight my jaw nearly hit the floor. You resent being married to me?! Are you freaking kidding me? You can't be serious. I'm the best damn thing that has happened in your life and I'm responding much better than lots of people do and I'm trying to be patient, to work on me, to understand your stupid addiction and you have the audacity to RESENT ME my lack of self-confidence? You're addiction caused lots of it! Okay, calm down Laurie. This lie, and many other affect my behavior because I get distracted by them, I get angry, I withdraw, I get more irritable, and less likely to look for opportunities to serve my spouse. The truth is that I am overweight. The lie is that being overweight automatically makes me unworthy of love or being considered attractive. The bigger lie is that being considered attractive physically is so important. It isn't. There is so much more. Replacing lies with truth grounds me, brings me peace, and makes me much more balanced on all levels.
We are commanded to be not afraid
1. How has fear destroyed my faith and hope? How has it kept me from feeling that God is with me wherever I go?
I believe, as the prophets and apostles have taught, that man cannot serve two masters. When I am in a place of fear I am putting up walls between me and the influence of the spirit. When I am in a place of fear all I can see are the negatives, the fear, the potential loss. I can't see the positives, and more importantly the hope. Fear is the opposite of faith and hope and faith go hand in hand.
IDENTIFYING NEGATIVE EMOTIONS
Processing my Negative Emotions
1. What are the negative emotions I struggle with? How can I process my negative emotions? How often do I struggle with negative thoughts and experience fearful or angry emotions about my loved one's addiction? Have my thoughts and worries interfered with eating and sleeping patterns? Have I struggled with feelings of hopelessness and depression? To what extent?
I struggle with anger and sadness most. I get angry that he repeats the addiction cycle over and over. I get angry that I am in this situation. I get angry that I don't have the full fidelity of my husband. I get angry that I don't have control. I also get sad and self-conscience. I am sad for all the same reasons I am angry and that often turns into a critique of my physical body. Keeping my body image healthy is extremely challenging while facing my husband's sexual addiction.
I can process my negative emotions by identifying them as such. I am feeling angry because... I am feeling sad because... I am feeling bad about myself because... And recognizing the source of negative emotions is the adversary. Once I convince myself the source is the adversary who wants to bring me down and destroy my marriage it is easier to choose to "let go and let God", turn my emotions over to him, and seek out ways to fill the space with positive emotions.
I struggle with negative emotions in some form daily. Usually the daily thoughts are fleeting and brief and I can process them quickly. About every 2 weeks I have more trouble processing these emotions quickly and it takes a couple days. These thoughts and worries interfere with my eating habits mildly by my over-eating to console myself but they do interfere with my sleep if I haven't processed by bedtime.
I have struggled with feelings of hopelessness more than feelings of depression. These feelings come only once a month or so when I am having a really hard time processing other negative emotions at the same time as B is having a hard time with processing his negative emotions. When we are BOTH negative at the same time it feels more hopeless.
The Wolf Parable
From "Healing Through Christ" - The Wolf Parable
An elder Apache was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me; it is a terrible fight that is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, self-pity, guilt, resentment, lies, and pride. The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside you and inside every other person too." The grandchildren thought about the story for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?" The old grandfather simply replied, "The one you feed."
1. Which wolf do I feed most often? What can I learn from the feelings I have when I feed either wolf ? (Read D&C 50:23-25) How do negative emotions interfere with my ability to respond appropriately to my addicted loved one?
I honestly feel that feed the good wolf most often. There are certainly days or moments where I feed the bad wolf and let myself slip into negative emotions. But more and more I'm learning to recognize the negative emotions when they start and halt them, knowing they are of the adversary and it is slippery slope to ruin an entire day or week if I succumb in those first moments of temptation. When I do allow the negative emotions to fester (and sometimes I do because I'm not perfect and sometimes I want to have a pity-party) it totally destroys my ability to be there for my addicted loved one. I am unfeeling, withdrawn, snippy, unproductive, and selfish with my time and my energy and my emotions. I think that is the biggest thing - I get selfish. I don't want to put myself out there. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to spend time with him. I don't want to be nice to him. I want to make him feel the pain that I am feeling (misery loves company). I get selfish when I feed the bad wolf.
Recognize the adversary's influence
1. What are the lies the adversary whispers into my mind? How do these lies affect my behavior? What is the truth about each of the lies I have listed? How can replacing untruthful thoughts with accurate information help me?
The lie that is whispered into my mind most often is that I am too fat to be desirable. I believed this one for a long time. Before marriage I always longed for the day when I would be married and finally be accepted for me and have a husband that saw me as beautiful because he saw past the extra pounds. Seriously, that was what I expected of marriage - a man who would love me for me and the weight wouldn't bother him because it is just part of me. Oh, YOWSA was I wrong about that one. SO SO WRONG. My problem was I was waiting for the day when validation from a man would make me comfortable in my own skin. Once I was married and realized this was NOT going to happen any time soon in my marriage I got angry, really angry. I felt like I had been seriously short-changed. I work hard on my spiritual self, my mental self, my emotional self, but all that was being considered was my physical self and because that came up short I was undesirable. Why would Heavenly Father have led me to someone who rips open my biggest weakness and pours acid on the pain? When B told me he resented that he was led to someone who was lacking in physical self-confidence and who struggled with her weight my jaw nearly hit the floor. You resent being married to me?! Are you freaking kidding me? You can't be serious. I'm the best damn thing that has happened in your life and I'm responding much better than lots of people do and I'm trying to be patient, to work on me, to understand your stupid addiction and you have the audacity to RESENT ME my lack of self-confidence? You're addiction caused lots of it! Okay, calm down Laurie. This lie, and many other affect my behavior because I get distracted by them, I get angry, I withdraw, I get more irritable, and less likely to look for opportunities to serve my spouse. The truth is that I am overweight. The lie is that being overweight automatically makes me unworthy of love or being considered attractive. The bigger lie is that being considered attractive physically is so important. It isn't. There is so much more. Replacing lies with truth grounds me, brings me peace, and makes me much more balanced on all levels.
We are commanded to be not afraid
1. How has fear destroyed my faith and hope? How has it kept me from feeling that God is with me wherever I go?
I believe, as the prophets and apostles have taught, that man cannot serve two masters. When I am in a place of fear I am putting up walls between me and the influence of the spirit. When I am in a place of fear all I can see are the negatives, the fear, the potential loss. I can't see the positives, and more importantly the hope. Fear is the opposite of faith and hope and faith go hand in hand.
Saturday, October 4, 2014
You Give Love A Bad Name
Yesterday I had one of those days where I just wanted to sit in my anger for a while. I rocked out to many fabulous songs on my commute - including the song below. If you feel like singing with some serious angst, you're welcome.
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Triggered by seeing what he was triggered by - and then letting go and letting God
Yesterday I was at an event, sans B, where there are LOTS of people and LOTS of young, pretty, not-so-modest women. A few weeks ago B was at a similar event (okay, it's a sporting event). So, B was at a game sans me and came home and we had a good evening. Then the next day things got weird and bad and the next day he acted out and was in FULL ADDICT mode people. Like, full on. No bueno. Upon reflection he said the triggering had started at the game with all these beautiful daughters of God who have simply not been raised to understand the same way I do about modesty.
Fast forward to yesterday, I was at a game sans B (not because of bad blood, just the way our schedules worked out). About half way through my time there I all of the sudden felt the triggery feeling coming, the trauma mode, the confusion/distraction/can't think/can't look at anyone/want to curl of and cry feeling. I was looking at all this SKIN and it was perfect, and it was on thin bodies, and smooth, and tan, and nary a stretch-mark in sight. I'm go grateful I've been working hard to keep the spirit with me and work on some step-work because it only took a few minutes for me to have the following inner-dialogue:
Me: So this is what B was looking at that he liked so much that he couldn't resist looking at some porn just a day later to keep the feeling going?
Me: Well, I guess I can understand how disappointed he was to come home and find ME as his wife (insert self-deprecating critiques that I don't want to repeat)
Me: Wait, okay, wait. These girls have done nothing wrong. It isn't their fault. B is responsible for his own actions. Crap, I'm triggered.
Me: Okay, they are daughters of God, this isn't about them it is about me. It is a lie that I am less than them because I look differently. But I'm feeling like it isn't.
Me: Remembering Step 1 *I am feeling like my emotions are unmanageable* *Let go and Let God*
Me: Heavenly Father, I need you to take this one. I can't deal with these emotions. I can't leave so I'm still going to be surrounded by this but I don't want to feel this way. I'm handing it off to you.
Within 30 minutes the trauma-mode had disappeared and I was back to normal.
It is amazing how simple principles can work wonders in practice. The recovery process isn't about not feeling hard feelings, it is about giving us tools to recognize the good, the bad, and the ugly for what it is and deal appropriately.
Fast forward to yesterday, I was at a game sans B (not because of bad blood, just the way our schedules worked out). About half way through my time there I all of the sudden felt the triggery feeling coming, the trauma mode, the confusion/distraction/can't think/can't look at anyone/want to curl of and cry feeling. I was looking at all this SKIN and it was perfect, and it was on thin bodies, and smooth, and tan, and nary a stretch-mark in sight. I'm go grateful I've been working hard to keep the spirit with me and work on some step-work because it only took a few minutes for me to have the following inner-dialogue:
Me: So this is what B was looking at that he liked so much that he couldn't resist looking at some porn just a day later to keep the feeling going?
Me: Well, I guess I can understand how disappointed he was to come home and find ME as his wife (insert self-deprecating critiques that I don't want to repeat)
Me: Wait, okay, wait. These girls have done nothing wrong. It isn't their fault. B is responsible for his own actions. Crap, I'm triggered.
Me: Okay, they are daughters of God, this isn't about them it is about me. It is a lie that I am less than them because I look differently. But I'm feeling like it isn't.
Me: Remembering Step 1 *I am feeling like my emotions are unmanageable* *Let go and Let God*
Me: Heavenly Father, I need you to take this one. I can't deal with these emotions. I can't leave so I'm still going to be surrounded by this but I don't want to feel this way. I'm handing it off to you.
Within 30 minutes the trauma-mode had disappeared and I was back to normal.
It is amazing how simple principles can work wonders in practice. The recovery process isn't about not feeling hard feelings, it is about giving us tools to recognize the good, the bad, and the ugly for what it is and deal appropriately.
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Step One - Part 2
This post is part of my step work through the "Healing Through Christ Manual" in which I answer the questions presented at the end of each step to work my way through what was taught. The "Healing Through Christ" manual can be downloaded for free at healingthroughchrist.org.
Choosing to Take Care of Ourselves
Choosing to Take Care of Ourselves
1. As a result of the emotional distress of facing the addiction of a loved one, how have I ignored my own needs and neglected to take care of myself?
Physically I ignored my own need for sleep at one point. I tried to stay up, because if I was up then he wouldn't look and pornography and viola the addiction would be gone. HA. I didn't know enough at that point. When I have struggled emotionally with this I have spent days without showering just in pain, doing nothing, not being productive, not getting out, not taking care of myself at all. At times I've eaten my emotions, which is unhealthy. I've called out of work because of the distress of facing the addiction of my loved one. I've gone to work and performed poorly because of the distress of facing the addiction of my loved one. All unhealthy behaviors.
2. How am I taking care of myself mentally?
Right now I am going to school and focusing on that. It is challenging and invigorating and something that has nothing to do with this addiction. It is wonderful to have my mind active and expanding with something other than knowledge about addiction.
3. How am I taking care of my emotional needs?
This one is going pretty well. I've always been able to identify my emotions and what I am really feeling (1 point parents!). Dealing with them has been a journey but currently I am blogging, journaling, participating in a forum filled with compassionate women who are going through the same thing, I'm actively opening up to my husband when I feel it is safe, and just two days ago I confided in a friend for the FIRST TIME about what I am going through.
4. How am I taking care of myself phsically?
This one could definitely use some improvement. I do get the rest I need. I'm very selfish with my sleep time because I know that I quickly deteriorate without. I drink lots of water. And sometimes I eat healthy. Clearly exercise needs to become more routine.
5. How am I taking care of myself spiritually?
I pray, I study my scriptures, I write about and talk about what I learn. I am actively trying to magnify my calling. I read or listen to devotionals, general conference talks, and other resources on lds.org. I am seeking out ways to strengthen my relationship with my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost and it is blessing my life immensely.
6. How have I neglected loving interactions with my family or been unaware of their physical and emotional needs?
Just last week I was super impatient with my 1 year old all day because of the distress I was feeling about the effects of this addiction. I was also in a grumpy mood around my parents and brother and was more rude and short-tempered than I usually would have been. I completely forgot to get together with my best friend TWICE in one week because I was distracted by my emotional turmoil. TWICE I totally stood her up. Thank goodness she is forgiving.
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