What I can't control:
1) Whether or not B lies to me.
2) Whether or not I ever find out the truth I so desperately want to know.
"We enable our addicted loved ones when we interfere with the natural consequences of their addictive behaviors by lying or making excuses for them to family, friends, employers, or others. We enable when we do not set appropriate boundaries or fail to recognize the seriousness of the problem."
B has been reverting to addict behaviors, even if not acting out, for over a month. I was in denial telling myself, "this is just a phase" "he is just tired" "we just need to move and then it will be better." Because of this denial I was swallowing the hurt over and over and not upholding appropriate boundaries. Now I am upholding my boundaries, and recognizing the behavior for what it is, and he is pissed because the addict is fighting against the natural consequences of his behavior.
My question today: How do I love B while still upholding boundaries to keep myself safe? I cannot control whether he feels loved or unloved, after all feelings are not facts. He has frequently accused me of not loving him and of judging him recently. However, I cannot argue with an addict - that is crazy making. I believe I have loved him as best I can. I have also needed space to heal from the hurt and the emotional roller coaster and abuse he throws at me. Whether or not he feels it - I would like to find a balance of showing love while still upholding boundaries and allowing for natural consequences. How can this be accomplished?
I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I think when setting boundaries, addicts need to hear 'I'm doing this because I love you, and because I need to feel safe (emotionally /spiritually/physically).
ReplyDeleteYou're totally right - it's not up to you whether or not he feels loved. But in my experience, they need to hear 'I love you' far more frequently than we might think they should. Because the adversary is working hard to tear them down and make them believe they're unloveable.
I would decide what I need in order to feel safe. Tell them that, and that their part in it is optional, but these are my needs and I will look after myself first.
E.g. 'I need to my home to be free of inappropriate media in order to feel safe. If this isn't the case, I will go [to be with family/friends] until I feel safe to return.'
Boundaries look different for everyone, so do what YOU need to do in order to feel safe. But it can only be things that are within your control.
Focusing on your healing is the most loving thing you can do. Your healing process will help you know how to show love to him. Let God show you, because he knows where you are and he knows where your husband is and he knows what is Best for your particular situation.
ReplyDeleteHe will have a hard time feeling loved as you're driving boundaries, so I personally wouldn't recommend tying your boundaries to verbal expressions of love for him, because his addict brain won't get it. But I imagine you will have moments where you see the real him shine through, and I would look for those moments with an open heart to help him know that you still see the real him. It's a living thing to stay. It's a living thing to care enough to even ask questions like this. It's a living thing to want to heal and to want him to No he's left. It's a living thing to realize that only God can fill the hole in his soul. You are doing so much to love him already, even if he can't feel that right now
All of those living things should say loving things :-)
DeleteThank you both.the support brings peace.
ReplyDelete