What Do I Do With The Hole in My Heart?

I have not been very good about blogging, except when I am in deep pain. I need to do better, because some days are better, and some days are happy and hopeful and peaceful and fun. But I have busy with life and children and graduate school (only a few more weeks!!) and a recent move and a sister's wedding, so this has not been a priority.

We are still at a stand still. My husband, for the last couple months, refuses to tell me anything about recovery or sobriety. I decided for now the boundaries I am enforcing is I will not be sexual involved with someone who is not sexually sober. I will not be sexually involved with you when you refuse to give me the information I want to assist in feeling safe. Since he isn't telling I don't know if he is sober and I will default to the assumption that he is not sober.

Yesterday we had a long discussion. We shared a lot. I went ahead and shared and opened up. It was met with kindness and then within a few moments he was calmly trying to convince me why I was wrong and he was right.

So today I have this big gaping hole in my heart that is spilling emotion, pain, betrayal, hurt, anger, resentment, and heartache into my entire body. I can hardly breathe. I fluctuate between focusing on work, and taking a break to sob and try to catch my breath. The discussion opened up old wounds,  pulled scabs off of nearly healed wounds, and inflicted some new wounds.

I know what to do, I've been here before, I can get through it again. But part of the process is to feel the pain, lean into it, and go through it rather than around it. That is me today, wading through the pain, barely moving, but moving none-the-less. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one moment at a time. The Savior will help me through this and I know He has sent angels to help me as well. I can feel their help and encouragement if I listen closely.

Still here... feeling tired of all of this

After three days of sleeping apart (on night three he volunteered to take the couch). I told him that I'd be okay sleeping in the same bed.

I said this because I felt like any longer and I would be doing it to punish him rather than to heal myself... I'm not okay, but it was just the next step I felt to take. He told me he'll sleep on the couch again because he wants to maintain feeling like he is in control of his life. Based on lots of past discussion this means, I think, that he is sleeping on the couch to maintain his feeling of control because if he came to bed when I said it was okay then I am controlling him and manipulating him.

In a strange turn of events this threw me just as much as his initial disclosure. Really?? I'm saying I'm ready to start repairing and you tell me, no, it has to be on my timetable - I am the one in charge here.

I'm just tired of this. I'm tired of his manipulation. I'm tired of him not caring at all for the damage he has done to me or us. He is trying to recover, up until a few months ago I would say he was in solid recovery. However, time and time again when I express what will help me trust him he refuses. He does check-ins each week, as asked, which was a compromise from every day. But he still throws a fit about them if given the opportunity, he feels coerced and like they are unfair. I want to know if he acts out, if he slips, and where he was and where the kids were when it happened. NO other information is asked. But that is TOO much. He won't do it, because it is none of my business, thank you very much.

He doesn't do anything extra to show he cares if I am in the slightest bit of pain or if I am not 100% connected. If we are connected he is sweet and caring and can be thoughtful. If anything has upset me all efforts on his part cease. And it just leaves me feeling more and more alone and more and more like he only does nice things when it suits him and only cares about me if I am on my best behavior.

I'm tired. I don't know how much longer I can do this. Today is a sad day. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Gratitude helps

My husband told me last night he is back to one day sober. Per my boundary we sleep apart after he acts out. He told me he wanted to sleep in the bed. I slept on the couch, which felt like an added betrayal - First you are going to hurt me and then you are going to put your night's rest above mine... Thanks.

I'm grateful that he told me, and he told me sooner than at our agreed upon once a week check in.

I'm grateful to have somewhere to go today.

I'm grateful for other things to focus on (a sister's wedding, my graduate school research)

I'm grateful for scriptures - I am in 3 Nephi right now while I listen on my commute every day. I'm grateful that I am in the middle of Christ speaking.

I'm grateful for my sons.

I'm grateful that my husband was calm this morning.

I'm grateful for Dr. Pepper.

I'm grateful for dark chocolate.

I'm grateful that I have recently been upping my recovery work so I am a bit more prepared for this.



I am trying to focus on things I am grateful for so that these thoughts might drown out the anger and sorrow and emptiness and apathy and frustration and betrayal and keep me from going down the rabbit hole. My husband refuses to answer any questions about his behavior and will only say that he acted out. I have two questions I ask - where were you and where were the kids? He will not answer anything and told me so before I even had a chance to ask. He puts pennies in the trust jar by telling me, ahead of schedule even, and then dumps out a whole handful by following it up with "But no questions and I won't sleep on the couch"... So, I'm a bit confused.

I know I will be okay at some point. That point is not today. I will focus on gratitude and will work to let myself feel all of the emotions and lean into them so I can go through them.

Shame vs. Guilt

I listened to the first two podcasts at the Connexions Classroom and loved them! Some of it was hard to hear because of how difficult things are at home right now but still good good stuff.

The second podcast is about Shame vs. Guilt and a few things stuck out to me:

Guilt is a motivator for me to change. Shame is a motivator for me to stay stuck.

I liked this because it helps give me another tool to identify shame in myself. I am familiar with some ways that shame manifests in my life (I think we all have some shame) by the "I am a bad person" thought process (for me the default shame mechanisms is tied to physical beauty standards - which are hog-wash). I hadn't really thought measuring shame by whether or not I feel stuck - but I have recently felt stuck and I thought this was good insight.

I felt stuck for over a week when I was trying to do something that didn't feel right but was upon the advice of my therapist. Thinking back I think I was trapped in shame because it wasn't working and I was thinking I must be a bad wife and a bad christian because this was his advice and it is failing miserably so I am doing it wrong. Now that I've let go of following that advice I feel free and unstuck and motivated and I think that is an indication of good!


Another thing that was shared:

When I do something that is in violation to what I believe or what I know to be right for me. I automatically, instinctively, feel bad so if I’m not willing to take responsibility and I want to blame or accuse or hide from it or make it less than it really was, it will move right into shame. If I choose to account for it and move into a proactive response around it and clean it up and make things right then it will stay in a place of remorse and guilt and regret and will motivate me to do something different.

What a great action item to help me stay out of shame!! TAKE RESPONSIBILITY!! There is so much I could say about how I wish my husband would do this - living with someone stuck in shame is a unique kind of hell. However, when I first heard it I thought of myself. In my patriarchal blessing I am instructed to repent daily. I've always pondered on that and I've never been very good at it. We are taught in church to repent often, even daily. Maybe THIS is what God intends when he tells us to repent all the time. Maybe it isn't about us being wicked but it is his guideline to help us stay out of shame and in a healthy pattern of taking responsibility when we feel guilt. Repenting every day is a loving commandment of a God who doesn't want us to stew or let things fester or have us sink down into shame but he wants us to acknowledge our faults, own our mistakes, and move onward and upward. He exhorts us to repents every day so we can feel the joy of a clean slate, of a pure heart, and be free of the chains of shame!

Therapy today did not go super well

This post will probably be some word vomit as I don't have a particular thought to share but lots of feelings.

Today was couples therapy. It was rough. I had put a pin in something until we could discuss it at therapy so we did today. It was about boundaries and safety and 90% of the time was my husband talking very passionately about how he doesn't need to tell me anything, I judge him, he doesn't trust me, he won't tell me things until I have earned his trust (by not being hurt by his disclosures), and I don't respect him, and much more. It is very very hard to not interrupt and prove him wrong on all of his exaggerated accusations but I believe the therapist knows that my husband is viewing it all through an addict lense and the lense of very very very low self-esteem and very high co-dependency so I mostly just let them talk.

Thankfully on the way home we were driving separately. As I drove I sobbed and I screamed at him. It is not my job to fix him, it is not my job to be his soft place to land when he betrays me - he has a sponsor and a wide net of SA friends for this very purpose. I get to have expectations, they are very low, but I still get to have them. I have a right to share my story when I deem fit. This has happened 4 times, total, ever, by me, and he resents every single one of them still apparently because it came up today. It is his story and I stole it, don'tcha know? It is not my job to shield him from the consequences of his actions. It IS my job to work on my own healing. It is my job to set healthy boundaries for myself to protect myself from the addict that he won't protect me from. It IS my job to take care of myself. It IS my job to seek forgiveness even if it doesn't come with trusting him and even if we don't stay together. Forgiveness is for me, not for him.

I find it so ironic, all the things he said about me, when I could give it back to him 100 fold. He referenced how sharing my story was showing a lack of respect for him but it certainly seems like verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and infidelity in the form of pornography are not showing much respect for me. He claimed I told the whole world, it was four people.  In his eyes he is certainly the victim. Pretty sure I'm the one who has never sought out pornography. I'm the one who hasn't lied. I'm the one who hasn't used him as a sex toy.

Mostly I'm sad. He was doing really well for so long but he has, for a couple months, been pulling back and wanting to withhold more information and wanting me to "be over it" and "accept him". I'm just sad that I currently don't see a way out of the mess. So much trust has been broken. It really did damage when he told me that he has not been reporting on his seeking out of "soft core" videos and images - because I didn't need to know. We agreed over a year ago that he would disclose this information when I found a bunch a watched "dance" videos on his youtube account while he was purportedly sober. Apparently he changed his mind about what to disclose without telling me.

I am not interested in going backwards. I will not go back to a place of not knowing and ignoring and letting myself get trampled. I have no interest in a married without transparency.

In therapy the therapist asked if we could change the wording from "I expect transparency" to "We are working toward transparency" I said no. I expressed that "we are working toward" is too vague and he agreed that it gives room for justification and no accountability.

We are at an impasse where I don't trust him to tell me what I expect to be told in order to continue working on our marriage and he thinks that I am "stuck" and I need to change and he doesn't need to tell me, the work on our marriage is separate from his disclosures. Neither of us have budged in two months of this discussion.

What I can't control

What I can't control:
1) Whether or not B lies to me.
2) Whether or not I ever find out the truth I so desperately want to know.

"We enable our addicted loved ones when we interfere with the natural consequences of their addictive behaviors by lying or making excuses for them to family, friends, employers, or others. We enable when we do not set appropriate boundaries or fail to recognize the seriousness of the problem."

B has been reverting to addict behaviors, even if not acting out, for over a month. I was in denial telling myself, "this is just a phase" "he is just tired" "we just need to move and then it will be better." Because of this denial I was swallowing the hurt over and over and not upholding appropriate boundaries. Now I am upholding my boundaries, and recognizing the behavior for what it is, and he is pissed because the addict is fighting against the natural consequences of his behavior.

My question today: How do I love B while still upholding boundaries to keep myself safe? I cannot control whether he feels loved or unloved, after all feelings are not facts. He has frequently accused me of not loving him and of judging him recently. However, I cannot argue with an addict - that is crazy making. I believe I have loved him as best I can. I have also needed space to heal from the hurt and the emotional roller coaster and abuse he throws at me. Whether or not he feels it - I would like to find a balance of showing love while still upholding boundaries and allowing for natural consequences. How can this be accomplished?

The new plastic surgery trend is WHAT? *potential triggers*

On the radio this morning I heard that the expected 2017 plastic surgery trend is... drumroll... nipple reductions? Like, making your nipple smaller. What the what? I seriously did not know that was a thing.

This is another example of the pornofication of our culture because WHY on earth would people even think that their nipples were the wrong size without the prevalence of pornography giving everyone something to compare to? Maybe there is some medical reason this might be necessary for some but certainly not enough to make it a "trend." The trend is certainly cosmetic. I'm still a little shocked... WHAT? I mean, most people won't see that anyway but people are having this changed?

I reminds me of a few years ago on some talk show (I think it was the View) a doctor was on who does surgery on va-jay-jays to help make sex more pleasurable. He described that basically the woman masturbates in the office to identify where the spots are so the doc knows where to adjust the nerves. A woman who had gotten the surgery was there too to share how great it was. Oh my goodness. I was like 13, it was an education.

The world is messed up. I'm so glad I didn't find this out that nipples can apparently be the "wrong" size until after I had some healing and recovery under my belt and have worked on my body image because seriously, one more thing for women to be judged about for their appearance, it is ridiculous. As if size, skin, hair, lips, eyebrows, eyelashes, boobs, butts, legs, nails. cellulite, etc. weren't enough.... nipples can be the "wrong" size? I'm still just so stunned at the absurdity of this "trend".

Anyway, this is just more evidence to me of the ways in which pornography consumption is damaging to individuals and relationships.

A New Normal

It has been a while... but I felt like it was time for an update on life.

Life is good here. B is over a year sober and 1 1/2 years into recovery. He is still on step 4 (his sponsor is very, very, very thorough) but continues with lots of things to keep sober and progressing in recovery.

But this blog isn't about that, it is about me and my healing!

I'm doing pretty good too! There are still moments, and still scars, and still triggers, but I would say I am happier in my marriage than I have ever been, I am a more intentional parent, I am more patient and empathetic, I use my recovery tools in all aspects of my life and that is great too.

So, confession, I watch "Sister Wives" on TLC. I don't know, I just love it. The recent episode had a "newlywed" game of sorts - you know, where you ask one spouse and see if the other spouse matches the answer? Well, we kind of played along. and it was fun. One of the questions was, "What would your spouse say is the most important thing in a marriage?"

Me: "What do you think is most important to me?"
B: "Honesty"
Me: "YES! And yours would be to have someone you can be open and vulnerable with, with no judgement"
B: "Yes, openness, and understanding"

It was not a big, deep conversation. The next question was probably about a movie or food or something superficial. But to me, that is the beauty of recovery. THIS conversation happened without trying, without effort, without tears or accusations, without a need to process or put a pin in it until therapy or rehash bad memories or deal with triggers. He knows he must be honest, I know he needs a safe place to land with his hard stuff. We both know that sometimes I am that safe place but for other things it is his sponsor, or our therapist, or any one of the many men he has connected with through ARP and SA.

I love recovery.

In other news, we welcomed baby #2 six months ago. He is perfect, and trying and tiring and poopy and all things baby in the best way possible and his big brother took to him right away and has stayed steadfastly his biggest fan.

Sacrament Meeting Talk - Shame Busting!

This past Sunday the theme of the remarks in our sacrament meeting was "The Word of Wisdom."

One speaker who is new to the area got up and gave a great talk about the word of wisdom. He included that he struggled with drug and alcohol addiction as a teenager and young twenties and that although that is not longer a struggle for him, he struggles with pornography addiction and still attends the ARP meetings. He even gave a plug for them with the local time and location of the meeting. WHAT! In a congregation full of people he doesn't know but whom he will continue to see as he just moved here, he admitted to being an addict - to having more than one addiction! His delivery of this information and the other thoughts and insights he shared was humble, honest, transparent, and genuine. It wasn't the most profound talk or the most articulate or moving but I was moved simply by his humility. It was SHAME BUSTING! You go dude!

My husband, who has seen this guy at group and knew of his pornography addiction but not the drugs and alcohol, was grinning from ear to ear in happiness at the shame-busting nature of the words being spoken. He (hubs) took notes and said he gleaned a lot of good, applicable insights.

I'm sure there were people in the congregation who weren't pleased with the speaker's candor, but I was. Everyone I spoke to about the talk (about half a dozen people) were all pleased as well and loved his remarks and were refreshed by his honesty. Isn't that so great!

I know there is a long way to go, but little by little the shaming culture can be removed from our lives and replaced with an honest, understanding, genuine culture that knows nobody is perfect and we are all trying.

The talk included a great quote from President Uchtdorf:

"Don't judge me because I sin differently than you" (April 2012 General Conference)

Music as a healing balm

I've been pondering lately about how much music can help (or hinder I guess) me. I have a playlist that has music to fit many different moods that I go through with being married to an addict. It has fight songs, girl power songs, comforting songs, spiritual songs, fun songs, and nostalgic songs.

I am not good at singing but singing to my son has been a part of our daily routine since he was born and it is often what will calm him at night or when he is injured or sad. I'm 7 months pregnant now and baby will respond with movement almost every time daddy starts singing to him.

Last night I had a contraction that radiated to my back and wouldn't relax with movement but when my husband put on some relaxing music my body responded within a minute by releasing the tension. The music worked when all the other things I had tried had not worked!

When trauma rears it's ugly head in my life I am so glad I can turn to music as one way to find peace, comfort, and solace. Thank goodness for good music!

Righteous Anger?

Yesterday a dinner guest asked an intriguing gospel question that he had been pondering - What is righteous anger - does it exist?

Our guest believed it could not exist because of God's love for all His children and the repeated imploring of our priesthood leaders to not get angry. Anger, after all, is a result of pride right? He proposed that God feels sorrow when His children misbehave but not anger.

I happen to know this man is a sex addict who is striving for recovery. 

After about 10 minutes of engaging dialogue I had to excuse myself because I knew I would get triggered by an addict telling me that no matter how much a person hurts another person God doesn't get angry with them. The conversation went on for a long time with our guest, my dad, and my husband.

Later that night me and hubs discussed the topic again. 

I believe we have evidence of righteous anger in the scriptures both the Bible, the Book of Mormon, and the Doctrine and Covenants. I believe it exists but it is not the kind of anger we feel because we are prideful and fallen and our anger stems, most of the time, from selfishness and our own hurt. But I can't imagine that God doesn't get angry (or frustrated, or whatever you'd like to call it) when He sees His children harmed by the willful misdeeds of other people who should know better. I know many times we are hurt by people who don't know better or don't have the tools to do better. However, sometimes I make mistakes when I KNOW BETTER. And I can imagine a form of frustrated disappointment that would be an emotion God experiences. 

Anyway, I just wanted to share a bit because the idea of an addict telling me God is never angry when His children are hurt briefly made me want to pull my hair out. Thankfully my husband didn't agree with Him so the trigger didn't last long or devolve into anything else. 

I kind of feel like saying "Trigger Managed" in a Harry Potter-esque "mischief managed" kind of way. New catch phrase? Maybe. :)

Hard Work

Recovery is hard work and healing is hard work. Hubs and I are both engaged is a battle of whether or not we are willing to work harder than the adversary to win our souls.

When I was single I had a list, like most people, of things I was looking for in a spouse. I was looking for a family man, smart, funny, spiritual, and especially a hard worker. My parents taught me that marriage is worth it but it is work. I've seen many marriages end and I wanted to do all in my power to set myself up for success. I believed if I married someone who worked hard not only at a career but at their goals, their spirituality, and their family life then he would work hard on our marriage too.

For years I thought I had misjudged and my husband wasn't willing to do the work necessary to recover and to work on our marriage. This year I've changed my mind. There is still SO MUCH MORE to do for him and me and us but he is working on it.

Nearly a year ago, maybe 11 months, we hit rock bottom in our marriage. He was convinced he hated me, that I hated him, and he couldn't be happy with me, that he was worthless, and that there wasn't hope for us. It was a tough thing to hear. I had suggested therapy a month beforehand but he hadn't said anything. Then after he spilled out how much he didn't love me or want to be married to me he said he thought we should go to therapy. I said okay and we had an appointment within a couple weeks.

I think that if I didn't have a hard worker then when the love was gone he would've left. I think if I didn't have a hard worker then he wouldn't have thrown himself into all the recovery steps he'd been working to avoid for so long. I think if I didn't have a hard worker then he wouldn't have and be continuing to take our therapy seriously, be open in therapy, and apply the advice of our therapist. If I didn't have a hard worker he wouldn't be working with his sponsor so closely on how to change his heart, not just his behavior. If I didn't have a hard worker i don't think I'd still be married. Today, even though we have so long to go, I am so grateful that he's willing to keep up the hard work. Satan isn't going to win his battle for my husband or for our marriage. That is what I believe today.

What's my next move? I have OPTIONS.

On a forum I participate in, I shared that I recently caught my husband in a lie. One friend asked me, "What is your next move?" (thank you Daisy!)

It let me come up with more specifics about what I was going to do and articulate more clearly what my actions are going to be moving forward. Much of what I listed were things relating to old boundaries, and habits that I know bring me peace. The wonderful thing about this exercise was the reminder that I HAVE OPTIONS!

We, all of us, have options. We might be powerless over the addiction and we are powerless over the actions of others but we still have lots of power. We have power over ourselves and our actions and our choices. I have options. I am not trapped. I feel trapped sometimes and my options aren't necessarily ideal, but I do have options and I can help make myself safe and whole.

Isn't it beautiful that we have power that can't be taken from us? Isn't it so wonderful that our Heavenly Father gave us agency, and that this agency can not be taken from us? As I have worked recovery, been to therapy, worked steps, learned from women wiser than myself, and relied on the Savior, I've found more confidence in myself and my ability to make good decisions. I've discovered more of the options that are always before me.

My options aren't ideal. My husband has been caught in a lie and there is fall-out to deal with, but it can be dealt with and I have tools and I have options.

I am woman. Hear me roar. :)

Dreams

In my life bad dreams have been few and far between. I attribute this to a sweet learning experience when I had a nightmare as a child and my father encouraged me to pray for no more bad dreams. I did, they went away, I didn't have a bad dream for about 15 years. Sometimes I still pray for no bad dreams, and no spiders in my bed.

Trauma is real though so bad dreams have returned to my life on an infrequent basis. About once a month of so I'll dream something to do with the addiciton - he acted out, he cheated, I had to escape sex trafficking, and things like that. I wake up angry, or sad, and restless and ill-as-ease. It is still crazy to me that something we dream can have such a profound effect on our waking hours.

Last week I had a pretty bad dream. I was mostly useless during the day because it triggered some pretty severe sadness over what my husband has seen and it triggered some body-image woes. I read my scriptures, I napped, I tried to numb with reading and television. Through the whole day my husband, who knew only that I'd had a bad dream, was patient, and just let me have space without reacting to my melancholy or taking it personally.

To me, this is evidence of change and recovery in his life and mine. I didn't lash out in my sadness and anger and he didn't lash out at my detachment. When I told him about the dream and the subsequent emotions he listened, validated, and comforted, and opened up about some of his own fears and insecurities that he had been facing for a little while. It was a beautiful evening after a wretched day.

It is evidence of the power of the atonement. Our fears, and our sadness, and our despair can all be wrapped up in the love and atonement of our Savior and replaced with peace, hope, and love. Recovery, the 12 steps, thearpy, it has all helped to to better and more quickly apply the healing balm of the atonement in my life and for that I am grateful.

Today I'm Just Mad

Hubs is back to 1 day sober after 2 months, and 3 months before that. The last time he acted out (2 months ago) he was super on the ball about talking to his sponsor, SA contacts, going to/calling into group meetings, and helping me feel safe. This time he told me he'd acted out because he was bored. He said, "I'm sorry" and when I asked he'd told me he had not talked to his sponsor and since that time we've barely spoken in two days.

And I'm just mad. I spent the day at work busting my ass to get a Ph D so I can financially provide for our family since he isn't. I also spent my day thinking of fun date night ideas for us since we haven't been on a nice date in ages and he will be leaving town for Thanksgiving. I even arranged a babysitter and was collecting ideas of new fun things to do. While I was doing this he was watching other women have sex or dance, probably both or whatever he watched, and masturbating. I'm SO PISSED at the irony.

Last night he was talking to my father, the bishop, about a man in need in our ward. Hubs was VERY concerned that this man, who is practically a stranger, is having a hard time with the death of my grandfather, my father's father (who was also in our branch). Yet, my husband basically avoided me and any difficult things I might be feeling because it would be so much more difficult to face the hurt HE caused than it is to be worried over this other guy he barely knows. I'm SO PISSED at the irony.

He is having a hard time getting all his work in because he's taken on an extra freelance job. I'm still barely catching up from when he was out of town for a month. I have worked tons of extra hours in the last two weeks and mostly just crawl in to bed exhausted but he has time to stay up late playing video games and then complains that we don't have someone to watch our son on the days HE is supposed to be watching our son. But on the day that we did have someone watching our son he spent time meant for work on porn and masturbation. I'm SO PISSED at the irony.

In the past few weeks he's been mad at me for wanting to do FHE on Sundays instead of Mondays, and for letting our son watch a Disney cartoon on Sunday, and has given me about 3 lectures on "choosing" happiness. Yet, HE WATCHES PORN on Monday, he gets down enough to act out in his addiction. I'm sorry, by "choose" happiness did you really mean choose your horrible numbing mechanism called lust addiction? I'm confused? I'm SO PISSED at the irony.

On Sunday he talked to our bishop about  having an interview tonight for renewing his temple recommend, so he can do temple work for his grandfather while in Utah for Thanksgiving. On Monday he acted out. I'm SO PISSED at the irony.

I did a good job staying numb all day yesterday and focusing on work, but now my shell is cracking when I really still need to be productive. I don't want to go home because I'll see him but I do because I want to see my son.

Stupid addiction.

Finding God

Much has happened in the last month. I don't have the emotional energy to go through it but I did want to post something.

Amid all the turmoil in life I have felt so much love from my Savior. I have found that when I am still, and open my heart, I can see Him pouring blessings upon me, even in my darkest hour.

Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God..."

I find God in scripture, in music (not just Hymns and church-produced music either), in family, in finding the perfect parking spot, in a good meal, in kind words from friends, in therapy, in church, during my commute, in the community of Wopas that I have found.

Today I found God in the tender moment with my toddler where he, unsolicited, put his little hands firmly on the sides of my face and turned my face toward his, looked deep into my eyes holding me there for many seconds and his sweet whisper, "I wuv you" and following it up with a kiss and pulling my head onto his shoulder in a hug. His little 2 year old body meant my head was the size of his chest but he just held me there, then pulled my face back to facing him and repeated "I wuv you" with more kisses.

Alma 30:44 "...all things denote there is a God..."

He's sober and I'm more hurt

I can't remember how many times I've read on other WoPA's blogs that once their husbands got some sobriety and recovery their emotions seemed to be shaken loose and there was lots of trauma to work through. Could that be what is happening to me?

B is not quite 2 months sober and I would say is in recovery as well. He's working very hard and in general being the best version of himself, the one that I always knew was in there somewhere. I'm happy for him. I'm happy for us. I'm hopeful. The other day he even was telling me how hopeful HE is. Hopeful is not a word that he has used to describe his feelings much, if ever, in relation to this addiction.

I on the other hand have been struggling a lot lately. I've been feeling so, so hurt by so, so many things. There are the pregnancy triggers that I wrote about previously which are still very much there. B is not coming to bed at the same time as me and I can't sleep until he is in bed most nights. I fret and my imagination runs wild and I try to quell the fears but they are strong.

Then there is pinterest.

B is an artist. I've had a hard time in the past with us disagreeing about appropriate artwork, and how to study the human body for improving his craft vs. when he is lusting. He is open with the fact that he is trying to define his own boundaries in regards to this. A couple days ago he pinned something I thought was highly inappropriate, he apparently didn't agree since he pinned it, knowing it could be seen. On the same board there are other pins that I don't like due to overtly sexual tones. This particular board and many of these pins are particularly triggering to me because a year or so ago we fought over the content he was pinning. He promised to delete the offending pins. Over Christmas vacation I discovered he had not deleted them, he had in fact created a secret board and had moved the pins over, and continued pinning the same kind of things on the secret board. I think finding some more pins recently and seeing that some of the old ones weren't deleted has brought up all the feelings I had upon discovery of this board on vacation.

I'm feeling very hurt and sad and unloveable. I'm feeling very self conscious. Not only can I not live up to what porn-stars look like because I won't spend that kind of money on plastic surgery. I can't live up to what these hand drawn women look like because it is literally physically impossible. On top of that I won't live up to my personal best for a while because I'm pregnant and my body does not belong to me for the time being.

I believe it will take time, self-care, recovery work, and my Savior to heal my heart and I hope to just get out of my own way and let all these things work in my life.

Pregnant! Wowza - triggers!

Big new on the homefront. I'm pregnant! We are excited. I am not sick (yet). It is still pretty early, maybe 7 weeks. Last time I didn't get sick until around 8 weeks so we'll see. :) My last pregnancy was generally a good one. I was sick the entire time (except weeks 17-20) but I was so grateful to be pregnant after struggling with infertility that it really was GREAT!

There were some hurts I experienced during pregnancy and soon after baby boy was born that I thought I had worked through, but I am now thinking I had simply buried them. Since I found out a few weeks ago that I am pregnant I have really been on edge emotionally. All the emotions that I buried are flooding back.

See, I didn't start sticking up for myself and setting boundaries and demanding change until around 4 months after baby boy was born. So, the pregnancy was still in the full throws of dishonesty, vague answers, misleading, minimizing, and hiding behaviors by B. I knew he was looking at porn but I was ignoring it, and he was minimizing if I did bring it up, and I was ignoring my intuition. We were sexually active most of the pregnancy. A few times I was told that he didn't want to be physical because of how I looked. Ouch. And you know the six weeks after birth where sex is a no-no? Well, there were lots of favors asked of me to which I generally obliged. At the time I was just happy that he was finding me attractive again "because [my] waist was returning." Now, well, I feel like I was so incredibly used. I feel like I was blind and stupid for ignoring everything. I feel like I was just an object. I feel like I was only valued in accordance with my physical appearance.

When I started standing up for myself our marriage started getting worse. I'd heard that it gets better before it gets worse. Oh boy, does that ring true for us. We spent a year getting more distant, more volatile, and with me pulling more things out into the open. We started therapy a few months ago and stopped moving backwards and a month or so ago we even started moving forward.

I will say that for the last month B has been sober and very aggressively seeking recovery. Meetings, sponsors, contacts, phone calls, reading, studying, watching videos, the whole bit. He is doing pretty well and sticking to it so far and working on continuously being humble in response to my hurt. And maybe the added level of safety from him is allowing more emotions to come to the surface too.

Whatever the reason, the emotions are there and I am hurting and I am in pain and I am so so angry about all of it. It is so much easier to just keep him at arms length, keep my walls up, and not face the hurt. It is so deep. I don't know if I am ready to face it. I let one brick from my wall come down this morning and it was hard. We hugged for the first time all week.

Recovery principles are applicable to everything!

Today has been kind of tough for various reasons that are unrelated to addiction. I have been feeling angry toward my significant other over the way he poorly handled a situation the result of which is added work on my part.

When I got to work I felt myself wanting to do anything but work or think about the situation. My recovery though kicked in and I was able to recognize that I was feeling negative emotions and I was feeling the desire to numb with mindless pinterest searching and netflix and food.

It made me kind of happy to see progress in my own life from recovery. It might not be addiction related but the principles of recovery are so all encompassing that they are just LIFE recovery. They are just excellent tools to make us all better equipped at navigating life with more emotional, spiritual, and mental stability. I'm certainly not perfect, and I'm pretty sure I will watch Netflix on one monitor while I work on the other but even recognizing the workings of my mind and emotions so quickly, almost as soon as they got started, is good and is healthy.

I LOVE recovery work. I love the 12-steps. I love all I have learned from the wonderful women that I run shoulders with figuratively. I love all that I am learning in therapy. I love that I am feeling more confidant in my parenting ability because of the knowledge I am gaining - at least I have some tools to help teach my child about emotions, sexuality, pornography, and boundaries. God is full of mercy and love and is ready to pour goodness, knowledge, and peace into our hearts as we make room in our hearts for those blessings.

Is it awkward?

Last night B chose to tell my mother about his addiction. This is a HUGE step for him, and he made the decision 100% on his own. We are living with my folks so having her know will certainly make trying to get to meetings easier.

Before he told her I knew he was considering it and I was looking forward to possibly having some added support but I was also very anxious because she is very much a mama-bear and I was aware that her reaction could have been one that shamed him and got really protective of me. To her credit, that was not her reaction. I wasn't part of the conversation but he said she hugged him, asked if I was aware when we got married, and was supportive.

Interestingly, my reaction is not at all what I anticipated. I was the one who has gotten really anxious now that she knows. What is she thinking? What does she think of me? How will this change things? Is she going to use it against him in an argument? Is she going to pester me with advice? Does she think I chose poorly? yada yada.

I made myself available for her to ask questions later in the evening. Of all the things to ask she said, "Is it awkward?" I wasn't sure what she meant. She meant, is it awkward when you know he's viewed porn. It really surprised me, and not in a good way really. The tone of the conversation, the question, and explanation, made clear that while she isn't necessarily pleased she also is acutely unaware of the pain this has caused me and continues to cause me, as well as how much destruction it has brought to our marriage. Yikes, I guess I was looking for validation a little from her and when I didn't get it and saw that it wasn't going to come it hurt.

I feel let down. I feel alone. I am reminded that unless you've been there most people just don't get it. I must grieve the loss of what I expected to be a support person for me because she will love me, but she won't be able to help and support me. I could be wrong but I feel that if she truly doesn't understand that this is hard for the spouse that it might be best to just let her knowing be a tool for getting to meetings rather than try to delve into my pain with her. So, this whole time I thought "if my mom just knew I'd have another person to help me" and now it looks like that is not the case. I get to grieve that loss and move on with the new reality accepted.