After three days of sleeping apart (on night three he volunteered to take the couch). I told him that I'd be okay sleeping in the same bed.
I said this because I felt like any longer and I would be doing it to punish him rather than to heal myself... I'm not okay, but it was just the next step I felt to take. He told me he'll sleep on the couch again because he wants to maintain feeling like he is in control of his life. Based on lots of past discussion this means, I think, that he is sleeping on the couch to maintain his feeling of control because if he came to bed when I said it was okay then I am controlling him and manipulating him.
In a strange turn of events this threw me just as much as his initial disclosure. Really?? I'm saying I'm ready to start repairing and you tell me, no, it has to be on my timetable - I am the one in charge here.
I'm just tired of this. I'm tired of his manipulation. I'm tired of him not caring at all for the damage he has done to me or us. He is trying to recover, up until a few months ago I would say he was in solid recovery. However, time and time again when I express what will help me trust him he refuses. He does check-ins each week, as asked, which was a compromise from every day. But he still throws a fit about them if given the opportunity, he feels coerced and like they are unfair. I want to know if he acts out, if he slips, and where he was and where the kids were when it happened. NO other information is asked. But that is TOO much. He won't do it, because it is none of my business, thank you very much.
He doesn't do anything extra to show he cares if I am in the slightest bit of pain or if I am not 100% connected. If we are connected he is sweet and caring and can be thoughtful. If anything has upset me all efforts on his part cease. And it just leaves me feeling more and more alone and more and more like he only does nice things when it suits him and only cares about me if I am on my best behavior.
I'm tired. I don't know how much longer I can do this. Today is a sad day. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Hello Friend! I know right where you are! (I also have a blog and you can read my story there if you wish, too long to put here) I am at a really lousy moment in our recoveries. But I was given a resource by another spouse of an addict. My husband and I watched it together. It is called "Helping Her Heal" by Doug Weiss. He is a Christian Therapist and is an addict in recovery. He tells it like it is and talks directly to the Addict in Addict language. It was more helpful than I could have imagined. We cried, talked, took tons of notes and will be watching it together again. It was painful! But it was so good at the same time. It is not a free resource, I am sorry! But it was worth every penny!!! Here is the link: http://drdougweiss.com/product/helping-her-heal/
ReplyDeleteI bought the DVD for $69 on Amazon but you can get a digital copy on this link for $55.20 And I do not get any kickbacks. :) Just passing on something that really helped me. My husband is now doing counselling through Doug Weiss' group. We'll see how it goes, but I am hopeful with the one that my husband chose, he is a therapist who is also an addict in recovery. Chin up my friend! We can do this! Sending love!! www.earthlifeisateamsport.blogspot.com
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I shared your post with my husband (who also struggles with this addiction), and we both question whether he is actually in recovery. You mention that checking in once a week seems like too much for him, that he only does nice things when they suit him/you are on your best behavior, and that he refuses to do things that you have expressed will help you trust him again.
ReplyDeleteFor me, I knew my husband had reached a turning point in recovery when HE initiated check ins as needed rather than waiting for an appointed time, and when I started focusing on my own boundaries and asking him to (prayerfully) set his own boundaries regarding what was/was not okay in relation to his addiction (e.g. appropriate media choices) - and he did.
I hope that things improve soon. Every addict's rock bottom is different, but unfortunately they don't really start to change until they hit it.