What I can't control

What I can't control:
1) Whether or not B lies to me.
2) Whether or not I ever find out the truth I so desperately want to know.

"We enable our addicted loved ones when we interfere with the natural consequences of their addictive behaviors by lying or making excuses for them to family, friends, employers, or others. We enable when we do not set appropriate boundaries or fail to recognize the seriousness of the problem."

B has been reverting to addict behaviors, even if not acting out, for over a month. I was in denial telling myself, "this is just a phase" "he is just tired" "we just need to move and then it will be better." Because of this denial I was swallowing the hurt over and over and not upholding appropriate boundaries. Now I am upholding my boundaries, and recognizing the behavior for what it is, and he is pissed because the addict is fighting against the natural consequences of his behavior.

My question today: How do I love B while still upholding boundaries to keep myself safe? I cannot control whether he feels loved or unloved, after all feelings are not facts. He has frequently accused me of not loving him and of judging him recently. However, I cannot argue with an addict - that is crazy making. I believe I have loved him as best I can. I have also needed space to heal from the hurt and the emotional roller coaster and abuse he throws at me. Whether or not he feels it - I would like to find a balance of showing love while still upholding boundaries and allowing for natural consequences. How can this be accomplished?

The new plastic surgery trend is WHAT? *potential triggers*

On the radio this morning I heard that the expected 2017 plastic surgery trend is... drumroll... nipple reductions? Like, making your nipple smaller. What the what? I seriously did not know that was a thing.

This is another example of the pornofication of our culture because WHY on earth would people even think that their nipples were the wrong size without the prevalence of pornography giving everyone something to compare to? Maybe there is some medical reason this might be necessary for some but certainly not enough to make it a "trend." The trend is certainly cosmetic. I'm still a little shocked... WHAT? I mean, most people won't see that anyway but people are having this changed?

I reminds me of a few years ago on some talk show (I think it was the View) a doctor was on who does surgery on va-jay-jays to help make sex more pleasurable. He described that basically the woman masturbates in the office to identify where the spots are so the doc knows where to adjust the nerves. A woman who had gotten the surgery was there too to share how great it was. Oh my goodness. I was like 13, it was an education.

The world is messed up. I'm so glad I didn't find this out that nipples can apparently be the "wrong" size until after I had some healing and recovery under my belt and have worked on my body image because seriously, one more thing for women to be judged about for their appearance, it is ridiculous. As if size, skin, hair, lips, eyebrows, eyelashes, boobs, butts, legs, nails. cellulite, etc. weren't enough.... nipples can be the "wrong" size? I'm still just so stunned at the absurdity of this "trend".

Anyway, this is just more evidence to me of the ways in which pornography consumption is damaging to individuals and relationships.

A New Normal

It has been a while... but I felt like it was time for an update on life.

Life is good here. B is over a year sober and 1 1/2 years into recovery. He is still on step 4 (his sponsor is very, very, very thorough) but continues with lots of things to keep sober and progressing in recovery.

But this blog isn't about that, it is about me and my healing!

I'm doing pretty good too! There are still moments, and still scars, and still triggers, but I would say I am happier in my marriage than I have ever been, I am a more intentional parent, I am more patient and empathetic, I use my recovery tools in all aspects of my life and that is great too.

So, confession, I watch "Sister Wives" on TLC. I don't know, I just love it. The recent episode had a "newlywed" game of sorts - you know, where you ask one spouse and see if the other spouse matches the answer? Well, we kind of played along. and it was fun. One of the questions was, "What would your spouse say is the most important thing in a marriage?"

Me: "What do you think is most important to me?"
B: "Honesty"
Me: "YES! And yours would be to have someone you can be open and vulnerable with, with no judgement"
B: "Yes, openness, and understanding"

It was not a big, deep conversation. The next question was probably about a movie or food or something superficial. But to me, that is the beauty of recovery. THIS conversation happened without trying, without effort, without tears or accusations, without a need to process or put a pin in it until therapy or rehash bad memories or deal with triggers. He knows he must be honest, I know he needs a safe place to land with his hard stuff. We both know that sometimes I am that safe place but for other things it is his sponsor, or our therapist, or any one of the many men he has connected with through ARP and SA.

I love recovery.

In other news, we welcomed baby #2 six months ago. He is perfect, and trying and tiring and poopy and all things baby in the best way possible and his big brother took to him right away and has stayed steadfastly his biggest fan.

Sacrament Meeting Talk - Shame Busting!

This past Sunday the theme of the remarks in our sacrament meeting was "The Word of Wisdom."

One speaker who is new to the area got up and gave a great talk about the word of wisdom. He included that he struggled with drug and alcohol addiction as a teenager and young twenties and that although that is not longer a struggle for him, he struggles with pornography addiction and still attends the ARP meetings. He even gave a plug for them with the local time and location of the meeting. WHAT! In a congregation full of people he doesn't know but whom he will continue to see as he just moved here, he admitted to being an addict - to having more than one addiction! His delivery of this information and the other thoughts and insights he shared was humble, honest, transparent, and genuine. It wasn't the most profound talk or the most articulate or moving but I was moved simply by his humility. It was SHAME BUSTING! You go dude!

My husband, who has seen this guy at group and knew of his pornography addiction but not the drugs and alcohol, was grinning from ear to ear in happiness at the shame-busting nature of the words being spoken. He (hubs) took notes and said he gleaned a lot of good, applicable insights.

I'm sure there were people in the congregation who weren't pleased with the speaker's candor, but I was. Everyone I spoke to about the talk (about half a dozen people) were all pleased as well and loved his remarks and were refreshed by his honesty. Isn't that so great!

I know there is a long way to go, but little by little the shaming culture can be removed from our lives and replaced with an honest, understanding, genuine culture that knows nobody is perfect and we are all trying.

The talk included a great quote from President Uchtdorf:

"Don't judge me because I sin differently than you" (April 2012 General Conference)

Music as a healing balm

I've been pondering lately about how much music can help (or hinder I guess) me. I have a playlist that has music to fit many different moods that I go through with being married to an addict. It has fight songs, girl power songs, comforting songs, spiritual songs, fun songs, and nostalgic songs.

I am not good at singing but singing to my son has been a part of our daily routine since he was born and it is often what will calm him at night or when he is injured or sad. I'm 7 months pregnant now and baby will respond with movement almost every time daddy starts singing to him.

Last night I had a contraction that radiated to my back and wouldn't relax with movement but when my husband put on some relaxing music my body responded within a minute by releasing the tension. The music worked when all the other things I had tried had not worked!

When trauma rears it's ugly head in my life I am so glad I can turn to music as one way to find peace, comfort, and solace. Thank goodness for good music!

Righteous Anger?

Yesterday a dinner guest asked an intriguing gospel question that he had been pondering - What is righteous anger - does it exist?

Our guest believed it could not exist because of God's love for all His children and the repeated imploring of our priesthood leaders to not get angry. Anger, after all, is a result of pride right? He proposed that God feels sorrow when His children misbehave but not anger.

I happen to know this man is a sex addict who is striving for recovery. 

After about 10 minutes of engaging dialogue I had to excuse myself because I knew I would get triggered by an addict telling me that no matter how much a person hurts another person God doesn't get angry with them. The conversation went on for a long time with our guest, my dad, and my husband.

Later that night me and hubs discussed the topic again. 

I believe we have evidence of righteous anger in the scriptures both the Bible, the Book of Mormon, and the Doctrine and Covenants. I believe it exists but it is not the kind of anger we feel because we are prideful and fallen and our anger stems, most of the time, from selfishness and our own hurt. But I can't imagine that God doesn't get angry (or frustrated, or whatever you'd like to call it) when He sees His children harmed by the willful misdeeds of other people who should know better. I know many times we are hurt by people who don't know better or don't have the tools to do better. However, sometimes I make mistakes when I KNOW BETTER. And I can imagine a form of frustrated disappointment that would be an emotion God experiences. 

Anyway, I just wanted to share a bit because the idea of an addict telling me God is never angry when His children are hurt briefly made me want to pull my hair out. Thankfully my husband didn't agree with Him so the trigger didn't last long or devolve into anything else. 

I kind of feel like saying "Trigger Managed" in a Harry Potter-esque "mischief managed" kind of way. New catch phrase? Maybe. :)

Hard Work

Recovery is hard work and healing is hard work. Hubs and I are both engaged is a battle of whether or not we are willing to work harder than the adversary to win our souls.

When I was single I had a list, like most people, of things I was looking for in a spouse. I was looking for a family man, smart, funny, spiritual, and especially a hard worker. My parents taught me that marriage is worth it but it is work. I've seen many marriages end and I wanted to do all in my power to set myself up for success. I believed if I married someone who worked hard not only at a career but at their goals, their spirituality, and their family life then he would work hard on our marriage too.

For years I thought I had misjudged and my husband wasn't willing to do the work necessary to recover and to work on our marriage. This year I've changed my mind. There is still SO MUCH MORE to do for him and me and us but he is working on it.

Nearly a year ago, maybe 11 months, we hit rock bottom in our marriage. He was convinced he hated me, that I hated him, and he couldn't be happy with me, that he was worthless, and that there wasn't hope for us. It was a tough thing to hear. I had suggested therapy a month beforehand but he hadn't said anything. Then after he spilled out how much he didn't love me or want to be married to me he said he thought we should go to therapy. I said okay and we had an appointment within a couple weeks.

I think that if I didn't have a hard worker then when the love was gone he would've left. I think if I didn't have a hard worker then he wouldn't have thrown himself into all the recovery steps he'd been working to avoid for so long. I think if I didn't have a hard worker then he wouldn't have and be continuing to take our therapy seriously, be open in therapy, and apply the advice of our therapist. If I didn't have a hard worker he wouldn't be working with his sponsor so closely on how to change his heart, not just his behavior. If I didn't have a hard worker i don't think I'd still be married. Today, even though we have so long to go, I am so grateful that he's willing to keep up the hard work. Satan isn't going to win his battle for my husband or for our marriage. That is what I believe today.