I started this post more than once. I deleted it all more than once. Instead of a lot of background I'm just going to say what is on my mind at this moment because I think it will be cathartic for me even if it doesn't offer much to anyone else.
I want a healthy sexual relationship with my husband. I don't know if that is possible right now. He is working toward recovery and making progress but not what I would deem sober. Sometimes when we are together it is great physically, emotionally, and spiritually for me. Sometimes I can tell something is missing but so far I haven't had the guts to stop mid-way through and say, "Nope, this isn't what it is supposed to feel like, we're done for the evening." I know sometimes he has fantasized about other women when he's with me, that is par for the course with this addiction. I know sometimes he finds my body wholly inadequate. I don't know if he is capable of lust-free sex. What I am struggling with is what to do with all of this knowledge and my desire to have sex with him and have it be gratifying not only physically but emotionally and spiritually as well.
Partly my problem stems from frequently being rejected when I was desirous of sex during the course of our marriage. It got to the point where he would initiate maybe once every six months and every other time I got the ball rolling. So, I pretty much said yes please any time he actually initiated. But I don't know how to undo that in me. I worked hard on my self-esteem and body image and having my worth come from things other than whether or not B finds me desirable. I was doing well on this front. Then we started being hyper honest and really diving into recovery efforts and disclosures and learning. I have taken a step backwards and I fear my body image is on the verge of getting tied into B's view of me again and it scares me.
On paper the easy answer is no sexual intimacy until he is fully sober, or recovered, or whatever. I have seen that as a boundary on many blogs. I have a hard time with that one. See, I believe in the five languages of love and my most prominent one is physical touch, by far. I knew this before I even met B. I enjoy hugs, kisses, hand holding, affection, and yes, sex. I want to be intimate, it is one way I show love, and one of the ways I hear "I love you." Plus, taking our physical relationship off the table makes me angry because it is just another thing that this stupid addiction has stolen from me. But really the addiction has already stolen this because I'm having this dilemma.
I don't know what is healthy for us and for me emotionally and spiritually. My gut is saying at some point we'll need to have a fast from sex so he doesn't just use me for his lust hits when he is done with pornography consumption. Is that point now? How long does it need to last? Mostly, I hate that this addiction has stolen one of the most sacred parts of a marriage relationship from me. Pornography use by my husband has rewired his brain and because of that I have been used as a lust hit, I have been used as nothing more than a toy. Not always, but it has happened. I'm worth more than that. So, now I'm just angry about the situation and I don't know what to do about it.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Self Care
On the forum I frequent for loved ones many people mention self-care and how important it is. As I was reading someone's blog she mentioned that one of her boundaries involves If _____ then I will take time and do one of the things on my self-care list. I LOVE this idea. I've struggled with setting up boundaries partially because nearly all the examples I've seen have involved physical space as the primary or sole consequence (sleeping apart, no intimacy, etc.). Well, I just don't see sleeping apart as being very helpful to me as a consequence at this point. We generally only are intimate if we are close emotionally so that one doesn't really make sense to me right now either. But, taking time to do a self-care item while hubby or someone else watches little man - that makes sense to me. In order to decide on that boundary though (still no idea when it will actually be set or decided on) I need to have a self-care list to begin with. This is the beginning of it - things that help me feel centered, loved, balanced, peaceful, relaxed, calm, an in tune.
- Read my scriptures
- Write in my journal or blog
- Take a long bath
- Go swimming
- Take a walk
- Go for a drive
- Read something uplifting or light-hearted
- Talk to friends and family
- Shower, shave, and do myself up
- Mani/Pedi
- Write a letter to someone
- Play the piano / listen to music
- Take a nap
- Go out with friends/family
- Exercise
- Organize something
It is a start. Maybe now I can think about what some of my boundaries should be. I have set two rights/boundaries already. I will seek out help as I need it, from who I feel I need it from, whether or not that person already knows what is going on. Also, I have the right to a healthy sexual relationship and if I feel it is not healthy for me emotionally, spiritually, or mentally to have sex then I will not do so. Those were tough to set and to tell B about and he didn't take it super well at first but he understands now. We'll see if I feel I need more and either way, I need to do self-care sometimes anyway so I'm glad I have a list!
Saturday, August 2, 2014
Hope
B is on his journey to recovery and I am on mine and we are on ours. I believe that the only way the marriage will survive is with complete transparency and honesty. I've requested that he disclose any pornography use or masturbation within 24 hours. He does. Yesterday he did. It still hurts but trusting that if he isn't telling me then it isn't happening is so much better than wondering every day whether or not such and such was going on behind my back.
I'm not going to lie though, it still hurts. This time it had been a little longer between disclosures so in spite of myself hope crept in that maybe the last time was the last time. I remember thinking that I hate that the hope creeps in even when I don't want it to. I don't want to be disappointed. I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to be cheated on. I struggled through the hurt of yesterday, and am not over it completely but I realized something as I sat down to write. I guess I'm glad that the hope still does come. If the hope never did come I don't think I could stay. I don't think I could go on. I don't think I would be in a good place spiritually or emotionally. I'm grateful for hope. I grateful that it comes. In the past it hasn't. In the past I have felt hopeless and it is such a dark place to be. Hope comes from Christ. Hope comes from letting His atonement work in my life and free me of my burden as I turn to him in humility and meekness. Hope is so very powerful. It is a force of light and life that can push away the darkness, the pain, and the loneliness.
I'm not going to lie though, it still hurts. This time it had been a little longer between disclosures so in spite of myself hope crept in that maybe the last time was the last time. I remember thinking that I hate that the hope creeps in even when I don't want it to. I don't want to be disappointed. I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to be cheated on. I struggled through the hurt of yesterday, and am not over it completely but I realized something as I sat down to write. I guess I'm glad that the hope still does come. If the hope never did come I don't think I could stay. I don't think I could go on. I don't think I would be in a good place spiritually or emotionally. I'm grateful for hope. I grateful that it comes. In the past it hasn't. In the past I have felt hopeless and it is such a dark place to be. Hope comes from Christ. Hope comes from letting His atonement work in my life and free me of my burden as I turn to him in humility and meekness. Hope is so very powerful. It is a force of light and life that can push away the darkness, the pain, and the loneliness.
Friday, August 1, 2014
Finding motivation to work on me
I've had a hard time this week finding the motivation to work on me. I haven't been actively working through any steps for a while now but I had been making sure to read my scriptures and study the gospel and visit the hopeandhealinglds.com forum to offer support and seek it. But lately even that all felt like too much. Is it possible to just not work on it and still be fine?
I've decided yes. I should always be seeking Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ but if I am feeling okay otherwise I don't need to be working one of the 12 steps or reading a book about healing from a spouses addiction or reading blogs or visiting my ecclesiastical leaders. I'm spending my energy focusing on me, and my child, and my marriage and right now that is all I can do so it is all I should do. KISS right - keep is simple silly. I'm pretty sure Elder Uchtdorf gave a talk about exactly that, simplifying your life.
Maybe I'll seek something tomorrow, maybe not. But I know the feeling in my heart and it is telling me that I am doing okay and the reason I'm not feeling an urgent need to read as much as I can about my own recovery is because I'm in a good place right now. Tomorrow is another day but for today I'll just enjoy the peace and my baby's squinty smiles.
I've decided yes. I should always be seeking Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ but if I am feeling okay otherwise I don't need to be working one of the 12 steps or reading a book about healing from a spouses addiction or reading blogs or visiting my ecclesiastical leaders. I'm spending my energy focusing on me, and my child, and my marriage and right now that is all I can do so it is all I should do. KISS right - keep is simple silly. I'm pretty sure Elder Uchtdorf gave a talk about exactly that, simplifying your life.
Maybe I'll seek something tomorrow, maybe not. But I know the feeling in my heart and it is telling me that I am doing okay and the reason I'm not feeling an urgent need to read as much as I can about my own recovery is because I'm in a good place right now. Tomorrow is another day but for today I'll just enjoy the peace and my baby's squinty smiles.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
My Story
The story of how pornography has and does affect my life. I feel that all such stories are long and filled with sorrow. Mine is no different. I want to use this blog as a journal of my path to finding my healing. I hope that maybe someday someone who is just starting their journey, or maybe who has been on their journey a long time can find comfort from my ramblings, maybe even a glimmer of hope. I intend to have this blog be brutally honest as I learn and grow. Honesty is so important in the process of recovery for addicts and spouses alike.
For the purpose of this blog we'll call my husband "B".
How I got to this point:
Many moons ago (about five years of moons) I fell in love with a tall, dark and handsome man. He wasn't what I thought I was looking for but was absolutely what I wanted and loved. We spent a summer reading together in the park, swimming, dating, laughing, and falling in love. He got down on one knee on our three month anniversary. There were twinkling lights, flowers, music, a tinkling creek, trees, and stars. It was wonderful. At some point between that day and the brisk fall day filled with reds and golds and yellows on which we married he shared his deepest darkest secret with me. He struggled with viewing pornography. As far as I can recall that is how he put it. It was a struggle, he'd struggled a long time but was sober his entire mission, and he was working on it but couldn't guarantee complete sobriety immediately.
During my college career I had once been assigned to write a paper on how pornography is addictive so I knew in my head that was the case. I even thought, huh, I wonder if he is addicted. But for some reason (*read: rose-colored glasses*) I pretty much swept my misgivings aside and thought surely he'll be in control of this in no time at all and we'll live happily ever after.
The first year was lots of bliss but lots of tears as he would disclose his continued pornography use, masturbation, and tell me things like if I lost weight he would be able to do better. I didn't understand. I my already fragile body-image was shattered. I felt like I had to police, I had to know, he had to just stop. If he loved me enough he would stop. Does he not see that this hurts me? Why would he choose a computer screen over a real woman? These extra pounds, and acne, and unshaved legs are definitely the problem. I felt unlovable at times. More than anything I felt alone. I felt like a liar when people asked "How is your day?" or "How are you?" And I could only reply with "Good" or "Okay" when inside I was screaming that my world was falling apart, I was lonely, and sad, and scared, and everything was absolutely not okay.
Our first bishop was supportive but the addict has to be the one to commit and do the work. I scoured the internet for resources to help fix B. I thought, if I can just get him to read all the things I'm reading about how it is an addiction, how there are resources to help, how it hurts marriages and families and his brain, then he'll want to stop. I read some things that were helpful to me but none of it seemed to resonate with my soul because I had the gospel and it was about more than just brain chemicals and me not liking the stuff. It was about sin, and the spirit in our home, and our eternal salvation.
After a year or two of throwing myself into research and cycling through disclosure, tears, trying to find my balance, forgiving, happiness, grumpiness and back I couldn't do it anymore. We had seen a counselor together a couple times. I had seen on myself about my body-image. They were semi-helpful, if that. I really didn't like the couples counselor actually. She spent the entire time talking about how I need to understand how his brain, as an artist, works. On one particular trip I was mad at B for refusing to tell me what was wrong with him even though he acknowledged something was up. We got to therapy, talked a bit, and he asked to talk to her alone. I was beyond pissed. I could barely speak and I couldn't look at him. Afterward they brought me back in and all she said was "He loves you so much! You're so lucky!" The problem is lies and secrets! Thank you stupid woman for assuring him that lies and secrets are good and healthy and kept out of love! That was a low point. Maybe I'm not totally over that one. At some point I realized I'd had enough. All this effort wasn't changing anything and it was just keeping me down. So, I took the burden of his recovery off of myself and went on with my life.
We had happy times. I only asked every few months how he was doing and he would reply with a vague answer of "okay" or "not great lately" but I would basically ignore how it was eating away at my heart. We struggled with infertility for a while but finally got pregnant and now have an almost one year old who is the joy of my life. During the "ignoring" I was imperceptibly working on my body image. I knew that it was something that was in my ball-court. And even though he had told me it was part of the problem I knew deep down that it wasn't. It was an easy excuse. The way I felt about myself was up to me. Over time I started to believe that and I started to believe that I am beautiful. I think pregnancy helped a lot. For so long I felt like my body was betraying me but when I was 8 months pregnant, with purple stretch marks and swollen ankles I looked at myself and knew that I was beautiful. This body, although imperfect, was my vessel and was creating life and it was working. I am beautiful. That was kind of a game changer I think, in conjunction with having a son. The seeds of change were planted in my heart. If I am beautiful (inside and out) and am of value, then I deserve better than an unfaithful husband.
I dove back into research. I became slightly obsessed with it actually. I didn't know what to do or where to find things. One day I was so frustrated at my inability to find resources for LDS people who struggle with this in their life. I texted the one person who knew, another wife who I was friends with and who learned our secret and I theirs when we walked into the same spousal support group. She, bless her, put it very bluntly. I couldn't fix him. I had two options: 1) Leave 2)Stay, knowing it may or may not ever go away. That was so good for me. I then googled, "Choosing to stay with a pornography addict" and the doors were opened. I found rowboatandmarbles.org and through their connections dozens of other resources for LDS addicts and spouses. I found a forum. I found blogs. I found books for me and for B. There is a treasure-trove of resources out there. And it all started changing. I committed to my own recovery. I accepted that I needed my own recovery (which I had been fighting, after all it is his problem). I threw myself into reading all I could of these new (to me) gospel oriented resources. So beautiful.
This was about 4-5 months ago. After a couple months of me sharing all I was learning for myself in my own recovery B started thinking about his. Right now we are in the think of it. We are brutally honest, working on improving and maintaining our individual relationships with God and doing all we can to ensure our marriage survives. I've set a couple of boundaries, we've fought, we've cried, we've turned toward one another. And now I feel like having an outlet for my journey. A place to record what I'm learning and how I'm growing and the days that I don't do either.
More than anything I have hope. I know that my eternal salvation is in my hands. I would be just fine without B. My Savior was ensure that. I don't want to be without B though so we are trudging this path together. I love my Savior. I love the gospel. I love knowledge. I love B. I love me. I'm worth it. I'm worth the work I'm putting in to make myself happy and be the best mother and wife I can be.
For the purpose of this blog we'll call my husband "B".
How I got to this point:
Many moons ago (about five years of moons) I fell in love with a tall, dark and handsome man. He wasn't what I thought I was looking for but was absolutely what I wanted and loved. We spent a summer reading together in the park, swimming, dating, laughing, and falling in love. He got down on one knee on our three month anniversary. There were twinkling lights, flowers, music, a tinkling creek, trees, and stars. It was wonderful. At some point between that day and the brisk fall day filled with reds and golds and yellows on which we married he shared his deepest darkest secret with me. He struggled with viewing pornography. As far as I can recall that is how he put it. It was a struggle, he'd struggled a long time but was sober his entire mission, and he was working on it but couldn't guarantee complete sobriety immediately.
During my college career I had once been assigned to write a paper on how pornography is addictive so I knew in my head that was the case. I even thought, huh, I wonder if he is addicted. But for some reason (*read: rose-colored glasses*) I pretty much swept my misgivings aside and thought surely he'll be in control of this in no time at all and we'll live happily ever after.
The first year was lots of bliss but lots of tears as he would disclose his continued pornography use, masturbation, and tell me things like if I lost weight he would be able to do better. I didn't understand. I my already fragile body-image was shattered. I felt like I had to police, I had to know, he had to just stop. If he loved me enough he would stop. Does he not see that this hurts me? Why would he choose a computer screen over a real woman? These extra pounds, and acne, and unshaved legs are definitely the problem. I felt unlovable at times. More than anything I felt alone. I felt like a liar when people asked "How is your day?" or "How are you?" And I could only reply with "Good" or "Okay" when inside I was screaming that my world was falling apart, I was lonely, and sad, and scared, and everything was absolutely not okay.
Our first bishop was supportive but the addict has to be the one to commit and do the work. I scoured the internet for resources to help fix B. I thought, if I can just get him to read all the things I'm reading about how it is an addiction, how there are resources to help, how it hurts marriages and families and his brain, then he'll want to stop. I read some things that were helpful to me but none of it seemed to resonate with my soul because I had the gospel and it was about more than just brain chemicals and me not liking the stuff. It was about sin, and the spirit in our home, and our eternal salvation.
After a year or two of throwing myself into research and cycling through disclosure, tears, trying to find my balance, forgiving, happiness, grumpiness and back I couldn't do it anymore. We had seen a counselor together a couple times. I had seen on myself about my body-image. They were semi-helpful, if that. I really didn't like the couples counselor actually. She spent the entire time talking about how I need to understand how his brain, as an artist, works. On one particular trip I was mad at B for refusing to tell me what was wrong with him even though he acknowledged something was up. We got to therapy, talked a bit, and he asked to talk to her alone. I was beyond pissed. I could barely speak and I couldn't look at him. Afterward they brought me back in and all she said was "He loves you so much! You're so lucky!" The problem is lies and secrets! Thank you stupid woman for assuring him that lies and secrets are good and healthy and kept out of love! That was a low point. Maybe I'm not totally over that one. At some point I realized I'd had enough. All this effort wasn't changing anything and it was just keeping me down. So, I took the burden of his recovery off of myself and went on with my life.
We had happy times. I only asked every few months how he was doing and he would reply with a vague answer of "okay" or "not great lately" but I would basically ignore how it was eating away at my heart. We struggled with infertility for a while but finally got pregnant and now have an almost one year old who is the joy of my life. During the "ignoring" I was imperceptibly working on my body image. I knew that it was something that was in my ball-court. And even though he had told me it was part of the problem I knew deep down that it wasn't. It was an easy excuse. The way I felt about myself was up to me. Over time I started to believe that and I started to believe that I am beautiful. I think pregnancy helped a lot. For so long I felt like my body was betraying me but when I was 8 months pregnant, with purple stretch marks and swollen ankles I looked at myself and knew that I was beautiful. This body, although imperfect, was my vessel and was creating life and it was working. I am beautiful. That was kind of a game changer I think, in conjunction with having a son. The seeds of change were planted in my heart. If I am beautiful (inside and out) and am of value, then I deserve better than an unfaithful husband.
I dove back into research. I became slightly obsessed with it actually. I didn't know what to do or where to find things. One day I was so frustrated at my inability to find resources for LDS people who struggle with this in their life. I texted the one person who knew, another wife who I was friends with and who learned our secret and I theirs when we walked into the same spousal support group. She, bless her, put it very bluntly. I couldn't fix him. I had two options: 1) Leave 2)Stay, knowing it may or may not ever go away. That was so good for me. I then googled, "Choosing to stay with a pornography addict" and the doors were opened. I found rowboatandmarbles.org and through their connections dozens of other resources for LDS addicts and spouses. I found a forum. I found blogs. I found books for me and for B. There is a treasure-trove of resources out there. And it all started changing. I committed to my own recovery. I accepted that I needed my own recovery (which I had been fighting, after all it is his problem). I threw myself into reading all I could of these new (to me) gospel oriented resources. So beautiful.
This was about 4-5 months ago. After a couple months of me sharing all I was learning for myself in my own recovery B started thinking about his. Right now we are in the think of it. We are brutally honest, working on improving and maintaining our individual relationships with God and doing all we can to ensure our marriage survives. I've set a couple of boundaries, we've fought, we've cried, we've turned toward one another. And now I feel like having an outlet for my journey. A place to record what I'm learning and how I'm growing and the days that I don't do either.
More than anything I have hope. I know that my eternal salvation is in my hands. I would be just fine without B. My Savior was ensure that. I don't want to be without B though so we are trudging this path together. I love my Savior. I love the gospel. I love knowledge. I love B. I love me. I'm worth it. I'm worth the work I'm putting in to make myself happy and be the best mother and wife I can be.
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