Hope

B is on his journey to recovery and I am on mine and we are on ours. I believe that the only way the marriage will survive is with complete transparency and honesty. I've requested that he disclose any pornography use or masturbation within 24 hours. He does. Yesterday he did. It still hurts but trusting that if he isn't telling me then it isn't happening is so much better than wondering every day whether or not such and such was going on behind my back.

I'm not going to lie though, it still hurts. This time it had been a little longer between disclosures so in spite of myself hope crept in that maybe the last time was the last time. I remember thinking that I hate that the hope creeps in even when I don't want it to. I don't want to be disappointed. I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to be cheated on. I struggled through the hurt of yesterday, and am not over it completely but I realized something as I sat down to write. I guess I'm glad that the hope still does come. If the hope never did come I don't think I could stay. I don't think I could go on. I don't think I would be in a good place spiritually or emotionally. I'm grateful for hope. I grateful that it comes. In the past it hasn't. In the past I have felt hopeless and it is such a dark place to be. Hope comes from Christ. Hope comes from letting His atonement work in my life and free me of my burden as I turn to him in humility and meekness. Hope is so very powerful. It is a force of light and life that can push away the darkness, the pain, and the loneliness.