Honesty

As I've mentioned in the previous post my husband is an artist so the quote above really struck me.

Throughout our marriage I've always maintained that honesty is the most important thing. I've done all I can to convince him that lack of honesty on his part is worse than the masturbation, worse than the porn, worse than the vocalization of his view of my body in comparison to the "ideal." And I thought for a long time that he was being honest with me. He always answered my questions. His answers seemed reasonable, and I thought they were the full truth. I want to give credit where credit is due - B does give me part of the truth. He does say hard things when I ask. For several months he was even disclosing to me voluntarily when he acted out. However, I've come to realize that I've never had the full truth and he has convinced himself that he is still being honest, and withholding pieces is okay because they aren't important or they would hurt me.

Last night I was contemplating why, after all this time, I'm suddenly catching him in lies right and left (okay, not right and left but at least 3 BIG ones in the past two weeks). How is it that for so long I rarely, if ever caught him in a half truth? Why now and so much? I don't think it is because he is getting more careless. I'm not getting more snoopy either. The thought occurred to me that maybe it is because I'm ready for more. Maybe Heavenly Father is seeing fit to allow me to see more of the truth because I'm ready for it.

Don't get me wrong, it has HURT. I'm not sure what to do with my new found knowledge. I'm kind of falling apart every other day. However, I think overall I'm dealing pretty well. I keep coming around to the gospel, to my testimony of the Savior and His atonement. I haven't kicked B in the family jewels like I day-dream about. I even got a 4.0 in the semester that just ended (for the first time in my collegiate career!) I'm still completing my work and my son is still growing, and learning, and developing. I'd say I'm doing pretty damn well actually!

Anyway, all this has me thinking a lot about honesty. I feel it is absolutely necessary as the foundation of a healthy, loving, complete, and fulfilling relationship. Without honesty how can there be real love? Without honesty there can't be real vulnerability. Without honesty how can a relationship progress toward a celestial marriage? I believe that in the end the truth will come out, whether that be in this life or the next so if this entire life is built on lies then how does a relationship heal when it comes out after this life? That seems like it would be pretty darn difficult. Lies are a tool of the adversary to cause trouble, trouble in the liar's spiritual life, and in the relationship in which the lies exist. He is, after all, the father of all lies.  Lies are so destructive. I know B tells lies to "save" me from being hurt but I think in reality it is just putting off the hurt and pain and closeness we can gain through the vulnerability that comes with honesty.