Self-Care, A New Boundary, and how addicts deceive themselves

Yesterday was disclosure day. B actually did it first thing in the morning which was good (the past two weeks he tried to skip it completely). He had acted out the day before, twice, including masturbating in OUR bed while I was at work. He's done this before. I try to not think about it. Yesterday I hit my limit on that one though. After work I spent $200 and got all new bedding, including a darling eyelet dust ruffle, shams, decorative pillow, the works, and new curtains/rods, and a new large piece of art for the bedroom, frames, etc. Then I came home and was on a mission - pulled out the power drill for the curtain rods, re-did the whole bed, hung the new art, moved some decor around, and it was fabulous! The new stuff is bright and yellow and aqua and sunny and happy. 

Then I told B that I have a new boundary. I am asking him to never view pornography or masturbate in our room, in MY ROOM, because I need my room to be a safe place free of his addiction. If he does act out in any way in our room, he will move out of our room and into the baby's room, who will move in with me. I didn't put a time limit but I made clear it would be dresser and all. My bedroom gets to be a safe place gosh darn it! He didn't put up a fight but he is clearly depressed, and mad at himself because of his acting out. I did not force myself to be supportive and encouraging when he first disclosed. I just thanked him for his honesty and went on my way. I am not taking on his negativity, I got yellow bedding instead!

As I was changing the bedding by myself I found a notebook hidden under the mattress. I don't even think he put two and two together when he saw the new bedding that I MUST have found it. I skimmed it to see if it was what I thought it was. It was a journal, with only two entries. In glancing over them I saw it was much more of the criticism he had leveled at me the other day. I didn't read more than a few sentences but he was fuming, and it was all about how I am screwing up life by applying recovery principles to other aspects of life. For a hot second I was raging. By the time my bed was all made though I was calmed, just another example of how addicts deceive themselves into believing things that aren't true. He's so incapable, or scared, of facing the truth of his life that all of his energy lately is spent focusing on me and what he deems to be my mistakes that are causing "damage" to me and to us. HA. 

Watch out mr. addict man. This woman has new happy sheets and you are not about to ruin them with your nasty addiction - and pretty soon that confidence will spill over into other rooms in our home and you'll be fresh out of places to act out without severe consequences! Addict B is so stupid and selfish. Non-addict mode B is awesome. Too bad he can't separate them, because kicking addict B out of our room will also kick the other one out. Hopefully it doesn't come to that but I'm 98.62% sure it will, just a matter of time.

Why I love the song "Girl Crush"

Ode to a country song full of trigger potential for WoPA's. The song, "Girl Crush" by Little Big Town (video below). I know many women find this song revolting. That is absolutely understandable. I however, LOVE this song so much. So listen at your own risk. The great thing about music, to me, is it has the power to put words to things I feel, or have felt, in a way I am unable to accomplish. The instruments used, the melody, the harmonies, the lyrics, the arrangement all make an emotion that is more than just words. To me, this song, hits on something I have felt in the past many times. It sounds like I felt, it feels like I felt, it reminds me of those emotions. 

This song, for me, is about being jealous of another woman because she has the heart or attention of the man I want. When I was in high school I felt this way about a few girls. I wanted their hair, their waist, their legs, their eyes. Really, I wanted the attention they were receiving but in my young mind they were the same thing. If he is showing her attention and I want his attention then I must be like her to get his attention. My self-esteem was very low in regards to my physique, and my worth as a love interest.  

In college I felt this way about my roommate. I wanted her blue eyes, blonde hair, petite frame. I thought I might even need to have her dissatisfied, negative attitude because all the guys were falling over themselves (and me, as the roommate)to get to her. They befriended me as a way to spend time with her and get information about what she liked and didn't like. When it didn't work out they would complain about her personality, attitude, selfishness, and general grumpiness to me but they still were kind of hooked because she was so darn beautiful. At least that helped me not focus on changing who I was on the inside. However, I still wanted her body. I hated mine. 

I dreamed of the day when I would find the wonderful man who would love me for who I was, for what I looked like, and would find me irresistible the way all these other guys found the other girls in my life irresistible. Then it happened. I met B. He liked my roommate too (different roommate), but he went after ME! (okay, it took a little time, but he did). He couldn't get enough of my kisses. He told me I was beautiful. He was attracted to me, inside and out (was my understanding at the time). We struggled to stay chaste, which to me meant I was irresistible to him. We fell in love, we got engaged, he told me he struggled with porn and was working on it, I patted myself on the back for being understanding and non-judgemental, and we were married.  

Over the next few months or year I learned a whole heck of a lot more about what pornography addiction is and all that it entails. And those old feelings returned. It wasn't a jealousy of a particular woman but all women. It was a knowledge that I needed to have a different body in order to have the full attention of the man I wanted so badly. I was jealous of all the porn stars. I was jealous of all the women I saw everywhere because my husband probably lusted after them. I was jealous of celebrities because I was sure he lusted after them. I was jealous of the friends I knew he lusted after. All of his lustiness was confirmed by his comments here and there about their butts, or boobs, or whatever. Those feelings took years to shake. Every once in a while they return, but they don’t stay for too long anymore. I've gained too much knowledge about my worth and what beauty really is to let them have so much control of me. 

This song, though, takes me back to all those times. Not really in a sad way. I just remember the way I felt and I want to hug that girl. I want to tell her that she doesn't have to change. I want to tell her that someday she will understand that beauty isn't what those men are after. I would tell that young wife, whose heart was crushed into a million pieces when her husband told her he isn't attracted to her and if she would just lose weight that he wouldn't need to look at porn, that her husband is wrong and he doesn't even know it. I would tell her that someday she'll be part of a community of women who are the most beautiful women she's ever known and they span ages 20 to 70, and are all shapes and sizes and hair colors, and they are called WoPAs, and they will teach her about her true beauty and worth. I would hold her, and let her cry on my shoulder so she wouldn't have to cry alone on the shower floor. I would take this song back in time so she had a song to express her feelings better than she could. And then I would remind her that she knows, deep down, that even though she feels this way now, it isn't the truth - the belief that she needs to be like the blonde roommate, or the hot runner her husband likes, or the porn stars - it isn't the truth.  

The truth that is in her heart, and was instilled in her as a child, is that she is a daughter of God, and is of infinite worth, and is beautiful. The truth is she doesn't need to fit the world's definition of beautiful because someday Heavenly Father will speak His definition of beautiful into her heart, and she will never forget it. 

This song reminds me of how far I've come and how much I've learned. It helps me feel that it is okay that I didn't always know what I know now. I am at peace with my girl crushes of the past. I hope to minimize them in the future as I put my knowledge and understanding to use in my own life and heart. But when I find myself thinking of "her" and being jealous of "her" I can come back to this song and remember how this song expresses these emotions but also reminds me of how much I know that there really isn't anything to be jealous of after all. 

Hearing the Drama Triangle in action

We were surrounded by beautiful forest, and sunshine, and a blue sky on our drive to therapy last week. It takes about 35 minutes to get there. Inside the car was basically a dark, black, stuffy cloud of anger, hostility, and drama.

We got into a disagreement about something minor, I can't remember what. He got testy and upset so I got quiet. I hate being trapped in a car while we are arguing. He asked if that was all that was bothering me. I said no but I didn't want to talk about it right now. (I could tell he wasn't a safe place to talk to about what was really bothering me. )

What was bothering me: He had, for the second week in a row, skipped our weekly check-in in which we talk about his addiction, any acting out that has occurred, the recovery effort's we've both made etc. On the advice of our therapist I've agreed to try to let him be the one to bring the topic up so he can "practice using his courage." The check-in didn't happen. We were on our way to therapy and I hadn't heard anything in a week, I was anxious about it. I was fearful of what I didn't know. I was angry that he, yet again, can't keep a simple commitment of once a week check-ins. It seems to me that keeping simple commitments would be a good way for him to show me he is trust-worthy. But, he was on edge and testy and irritable in the car so now was certainly not the time to express my anxiety and fears. 

Enter drama triangle tactics from B. 

I succumbed and told him what was bothering me. Just as you might expect, it didn't go well. Within five minutes we were screaming at each other. He was pointing and cursing and there was no logic to be found. He would accuse and I would try to re-explain (loudly, and with lots of tears) and it would fall on deaf ears so I would try again (even more loudly, with more tears, and probably some cursing of my own) as he was cursing and yelling. After another couple minutes I stopped talking. I told him I was done talking until we got to therapy and I sat there and sobbed to myself as he continued to berate me.

What was interesting though is once I finally shut up I could hear just how illogical everything he was saying really was. I could hear SO CLEARLY the drama triangle at work. He tried for the first five minutes to pull me back in by persecuting me. When that didn't work he switched to being the victim trying to draw me out into the rescuer role. That is when I really wanted to give in. I wanted to contradict his "I'm so useless. I'm such a failure. Clearly you don't even love me at all since you aren't disagreeing..." etc. I felt myself REALLY wanting to go in and "rescue" but I kept my mouth shut. Eventually he ran out of steam since I wasn't talking, or looking at him, or moving, and we just rode in silence.

It taught me somethings, or rather, reminded me of some things. 

1) Always trust yourself. When he doesn't feel safe to open up to, DON'T OPEN UP. If I'd have kept to that prompting it would have been a much easier car ride. 

2) When B is in addict mode, he isn't behaving logically, and his arguments are not logical, and it is illogical to try and talk reasonably with him. It is only harming myself to try and reason with him in that state. 

3) It takes two to make an argument. I can just stop. I doesn't mean he is right. It doesn't mean I am wrong. It doesn't mean I am weak. It doesn't mean I'm giving up. It means I am taking a break from the conversation because one or both of us are not in the right mind-set to have a productive conversation about this topic. 

4) Listening can teach us so much more than talking.

I hate addiction. I hate this addiction. I hate pornography and masturbation. I still love B. I hope that my love for him can last longer than it takes him to get into recovery. I hope that my desire to stay lasts longer than it takes for him to get sober and get serious about making changes. I know I won't just go back to ignoring everything for years like he wants me to do. I don't know what will last longer, the addiction or our marriage. 

Refreshing Honesty

Today B and I had a very real, honest, and open conversation about our sex life. It was so nice because I think we were both on the same page and chose our words carefully to try to fully express ourselves without going into any of the roles in the drama triangle. I feel that it was a baby step in the right direction. We've decided to have a sex fast for a while to get a break from the frustration and hurt that it has caused recently to both of us and to try and reset.

My favorite part of this experience is that he really opened up about what he has been feeling and what his perspective on recent circumstances have been. That afforded me the opportunity to do the same and we both saw how a lack of communication about the subject had made things worse. It made me cry because there was pent up hurt and emotion that was unlocked by his honesty and willingness to listen to my honesty. It felt good to let a few more things out and surrender a little bit more.

Another silly thing dawned on us - before marriage we stayed chaste by having rules and boundaries like many other couples have. The rules were meant to keep us from a situation where our resolve would be tested. The couple times we have tried to have a sex fast in marriage we didn't set up the same boundaries because we just assumed we could stick to our resolve I guess? Well, those didn't last long.

side note***I feel shame even writing that. I feel like having a sex life at all with a lust addict not in recovery is somehow betraying all of the other WoPAs out there. I feel like it means I shouldn't be allowed to be part of their(your) company because they(you) surely take all this so seriously that they(you) wouldn't do this to themselves(yourself) or partners and they(you) all have more self-respect than I do, or something like that. I feel it makes me seem weak to still have any kind of sex life before B is completely sober and in recovery. I feel it makes me part of the problem; If I just stopped having sex completely then I wouldn't feel used because I wouldn't be letting him use me and he would realize I was serious and get his bum in gear. If I just stopped having sex with him then we would be able to focus on everything else and I wouldn't be medicating him with his addiction and enabling him. These feelings of shame and blaming myself for his addiction are probably partly why a sex fast is a good idea.***

We are going to set up some additional boundaries for ourselves because we really do believe we need a period of abstinence to change up our patterns and reset our emotional connection. We have been, in the past month or two, using sex as a way to create an emotional connection rather than celebrate and deepen a strong emotional connection. Not healthy. I am 100% guilty of this too, not just B. When we started therapy and other boundaries got thrown out the window (another story, that I've shared some of in the past) I just kind of let them all go because I felt helpless and trampled on and unsure. Maybe re-figuring everything out is a good thing though. Now we are on the same page and the boundaries (at least these ones, not all of them) will actually be set together because his heart wants to have an emotional connection with me and is slowly seeing that that means sobriety and recovery needs to be worked on.

Welp, I felt the feels, or rather I exploded the feels all over the place

In my last post I talked about how I'd been numbing, avoiding, etc. but I knew I wasn't okay. I left it with a renewed goal of feeling the feels so that I could surrender them and move forward. Well, I did, kind of.

The problem with numbing, avoiding, ignoring is the feelings tend to get magnified. At least that is my experience. Or maybe the longer I numb the less capable I am at sorting through them in a healthy manner so my response becomes increasingly negative. Either way, it was ugly. I got upset. I went into hermit mode all day Saturday and most of Sunday. On Sunday afternoon I watched "Helping Her Heal" for the first time, by myself. Wowza. Talk about a giant flood of tears and emotion. It just shook all the pain out of where I had locked it up and it came pouring through my body. I was rocking back and forth, sobbing, collapsing in on myself physically. My body just could not hold the pain. Yeah, 2 hours of crazy, just me and my computer and my big bulky headphones, oh and tons of tissues.

Now the emotion wasn't locked in anymore so I had to figure out where to put it! Once little one was in bed my anger and frustration and hurt decided the addict in the home was a pretty damn good place to pour all my emotion onto. He was ill-prepared, because he is an addict not in recovery, to handle my hurt. We got into a fight about something super minor. Then it just went from there to not liking each others families (even though we do), and from there he went straight to the blame game. I responded with trying, in all the wrong ways, to get him to understand just how much I was hurting emotionally (read yelling, point, arguing, etc). He upped his game by pulling out his LDS family services manual and reading quotes from general authorities about why I was wrong (at this point our discussion was focusing on whether or not I am allowed to tell people my challenge without his consent and approval - I said I can, because the story is mine - He said that is super disrespectful and taking away his right to tell whom he deems fit). I upped my game by yelling louder about my rights, and what I need, and crying even more.

He upped the ante again with pulling in other circumstances where I have "disrespected" him. I upped it by pointing out the obvious, LOOKING AT PORN IS NOT RESPECTING ME EITHER. And by also bring in other circumstances - like how he'd gotten mad at me for buying a soda on Sunday because that isn't keeping the Sabbath. BTW - BUYING A SODA IS NOTHING COMPARED TO LOOKING AT PORN AND MASTURBATING TWICE ON EASTER SUNDAY. There may have been a few or a lot of curse words thrown his way too. That Easter dig was pretty much the trump card that broke the flood. I collapsed to the ground in a bucket of tears, all my anger spent, and just sorrow left. He just stared at me, I mean really, what do you say after that? He could even see the logic in that one.

So we sat, and I sobbed, and we just went quiet. And finally, my emotions were almost all out. I calmed down. After a while I had enough clarity to apologize for my bad behavior, the cursing and the below the belt digs. I asked him, what I could do to help him feel like I acknowledged his hurt at finding out I had told someone else about my challenge without changing my stance on my right to do so. He said there wasn't anything. And so we left it. And the entire situation just calmed down.

I guess I felt the feels. Now I have a cold from all the crying - swollen face and sinuses all freakin' week. I got triggered last night and stewed for today but brought it up tonight. He briefly resorted to anger but as I stayed calm and tried to express that I was just still feeling hurt he calmly listened to my hurt, let me cry some more, and didn't try to deflect any of it. Is it possible to be making progress even when there is only a week of sobriety, which I don't actually call sobriety?

Sometimes I can deal, sometimes I can't

Therapy has been helpful to us. I would say 6 weeks ago we were both seriously considering (but not admitting to each other) just leaving, or asking the other to leave. We've been in therapy a couple months and now we aren't there anymore, but the addiction is still super present. Weekly check-ins have been weekly disclosures. Typically once a week. I've been able to deal pretty well. I have been at peace, I have been able to not go to negative emotions, I have been able to appropriately (I hope) be loving and supportive but not condoning. He has worked hard to be the one to bring up the check-ins and volunteer the information. This has gone a long way to helping me have some peace. The lying is the WORST so when he volunteers information I know he would rather keep from me I know he is working on things in some small way.

A week ago the disclosure included a twice in one day, that day being Easter. Yikes. Threw me off balance a bit, but I thought I had it under control and was using my healing resources and steps. Then this week it was three days of acting out, in one week. While I was at home. I didn't yell, or shove (I have done both recently) but I also haven't let myself deal. I'm just numbing. I have too much, I have school, a wedding cake, a child, work, a loved one who just found out about her hubs addiction, cleaning, church service, etc. There is not room or time for me to process my emotions because if I let them come, they will pretty much knock me on my bum for a day or two.

So, I've been quiet. I've thought about it on my commutes, but I haven't let all the feelings come up. I'm squashing them with "you should just be fine" and "you've been feeling peace for several weeks, what did you do to cause yourself to lose that peace?" and "stop being so weak and fearful, you are stronger than that" and "he still told you, he went to group, what more can you possibly expect or want at this point?"

I feel lonely even when I know I am not alone. It still feels that way. We made a little progress last night when B let me express some feelings without getting defensive and then showed an increase in love. But then I could feel him shutting down, shutting it out. He didn't bring it up again, he played on his damn tablet while we watched a show, and he didn't saw "I love you" when we went to bed or when I left this morning. Duh, I can't rely on the addict to help me feel not alone. That was my bad, I should know I can't trust him to do that. It is great when he does, but not consistent.

I think I need to read through step one again, surrender. My mantra right now should be feel, and then surrender the feels so there is room for better feels to grow. Feel the feels and then surrender the feels... just how?

A Game Plan - A Successful Vacation

I think I wrote about how much anxiety a pending vacation was causing me last month. As the vacation approached I asked B if he had a game plan for dealing with the potential triggers. I asked if we could make a game plan for us to meet the potential triggers and contention during the week. We agreed to be open and communicate as soon as we started to feel some contention beginning. Typically when B gets triggered he starts resenting me for something minor and becoming less patient. He agreed to not let that fester. When he is around a large group of people he tends to feel left out, which brings up negative emotions from all the way back to his childhood. Knowing we were staying a house with lots of people, and lots of adults, we decided on game plan for if he was feeling unheard an I went in very aware of trying to be inclusive and attentive. We talked calmly and did the best we could to make a safety plan to ensure our vacation is a success.

Day 2 of vacation it was put to the test. B followed through though. We were getting irritated with one another at the amusement park. For about 3 hours we were avoiding each other (hard to do) and then he snapped at me and I snapped back. He let out an exasperated scoff and then asked if we could just talk for a moment. We let the group go on ahead and bickered for 5 minutes while strangers with little kids passed us by. But, it was successful! After a few minutes of bickering we both know we WANTED to resolve the issue, and have a good day so we had to buck up, humble ourselves, and figure this out NOW. There was no waiting, our vacation depended on it. We did, we apologized, we expressed our feelings in "I" statements in stead of "you" statements. And we walked back to the group holding hands and although it took another couple hours for the emotions to totally die down, they did die down. We had a great day. We had a great WEEK. We worked hard to stay in-tune, accommodating, and communicative. The day that I started panicking by seeing what would usually be his preference I paid attention to him and to me and realized it was me, that he wasn't triggered, and I was able to surrender and move on.

The reason I wanted to share this is to say out loud, there is HOPE. We have so long to go. He isn't sober (more on what happened after vacation later). However, we are trying. We are working. We are doing so individually and together. Heavenly Father continues to help me humble myself, and see when it is me and when it isn't. I am happy to be here, where I am, married to B. The other day a friend and I were laughing about reporting things that had made us happy that involved our hubs doing things for themselves to protect themselves from triggers. Never would I have thought before marriage that I would be rejoicing over something so strange and silly, but I did rejoice, and I will continue to rejoice over things like that. Surrender, although difficult, is such a better state than trying to control something I can't control. I love my Savior. I love my husband. I have hope for my forever family. Satan will not win.