Today I Have Hope - An Answered Prayer

Today I have hope. My little one has been quite sick for five days. He's had a cough, fever, runny nose, and has been very lethargic. He hasn't slept well (so we haven't slept well) and wouldn't eat well. Last night B and a friend gave little man a blessing. Little Man didn't sleep well again and had a fever. This morning I asked B what the blessing said, and it indicated he would be healed. With my little baby warm against my chest and his rattling breathing the only sound I heard I sent prayers up to my Heavenly Father asking Him to heal my son today. I told Heavenly Father I knew he would be healed because of the blessing and our faith but I was asking for that to happen today, to stop his suffering, allow him to sleep and heal him please. Please. His little body cooled off within fifteen minutes. He slept for a full hour on the drive home from where we were sleeping at a friends. When he woke up he was energetic and smiling and is now happily playing in the room beside and back to getting into everything he shouldn't. I KNOW that Heavenly Father heard and answered my prayer this morning.

Heavenly Father knows each of us and loves each of us and wants to help us and heal us and most importantly wants us to learn what we need to learn in order to be with Him again someday.

I trust Heavenly Father. He knows what is best for me, for B, and for little man. He knows how we can get back to Him someday and He will not let my short-comings or B's short-comings get in the way of my son's eternal salvation. Today I have hope that the path I am on is the one the Lord intended me to be on. It is the path that he will use to teach me what I need to know, and give me the opportunity to prove myself and act on my faith. It sucks and I don't know if my marriage will last and I don't know if ours will be an eternal marriage, but I have hope that it will. I have hope that I will see my Father in Heaven and my Savior again.

Honesty

As I've mentioned in the previous post my husband is an artist so the quote above really struck me.

Throughout our marriage I've always maintained that honesty is the most important thing. I've done all I can to convince him that lack of honesty on his part is worse than the masturbation, worse than the porn, worse than the vocalization of his view of my body in comparison to the "ideal." And I thought for a long time that he was being honest with me. He always answered my questions. His answers seemed reasonable, and I thought they were the full truth. I want to give credit where credit is due - B does give me part of the truth. He does say hard things when I ask. For several months he was even disclosing to me voluntarily when he acted out. However, I've come to realize that I've never had the full truth and he has convinced himself that he is still being honest, and withholding pieces is okay because they aren't important or they would hurt me.

Last night I was contemplating why, after all this time, I'm suddenly catching him in lies right and left (okay, not right and left but at least 3 BIG ones in the past two weeks). How is it that for so long I rarely, if ever caught him in a half truth? Why now and so much? I don't think it is because he is getting more careless. I'm not getting more snoopy either. The thought occurred to me that maybe it is because I'm ready for more. Maybe Heavenly Father is seeing fit to allow me to see more of the truth because I'm ready for it.

Don't get me wrong, it has HURT. I'm not sure what to do with my new found knowledge. I'm kind of falling apart every other day. However, I think overall I'm dealing pretty well. I keep coming around to the gospel, to my testimony of the Savior and His atonement. I haven't kicked B in the family jewels like I day-dream about. I even got a 4.0 in the semester that just ended (for the first time in my collegiate career!) I'm still completing my work and my son is still growing, and learning, and developing. I'd say I'm doing pretty damn well actually!

Anyway, all this has me thinking a lot about honesty. I feel it is absolutely necessary as the foundation of a healthy, loving, complete, and fulfilling relationship. Without honesty how can there be real love? Without honesty there can't be real vulnerability. Without honesty how can a relationship progress toward a celestial marriage? I believe that in the end the truth will come out, whether that be in this life or the next so if this entire life is built on lies then how does a relationship heal when it comes out after this life? That seems like it would be pretty darn difficult. Lies are a tool of the adversary to cause trouble, trouble in the liar's spiritual life, and in the relationship in which the lies exist. He is, after all, the father of all lies.  Lies are so destructive. I know B tells lies to "save" me from being hurt but I think in reality it is just putting off the hurt and pain and closeness we can gain through the vulnerability that comes with honesty.

A Secret Pinterest.com Board for art "reference"

B is an artist by trade. Mostly animation. Artists use pinterest to collect reference and ideas and such. Several months ago I noticed he had pinned several drawings that were more seductive than I thought appropriate. He made a weak defense about why they are helpful reference but conceded to delete them as there are literally THOUSANDS of other reference  images that can accomplish the same task with less bobs and butts.

Today I got on the computer and went to pinterest. He was already logged in and he pins interesting things so I started perusing his boards. There was a secret board called "processes" meaning drawing processes. The cover photo looked cool, some kind of pencil sketch of a robot. I thought it was suspicious that he had a secret board but tried to refrain from judgement since the cover photo wasn't porn. I opened the board. Nothing bad. Until I scrolled down and saw the " reference" and "processes" a little ways down. Who knows when these were pinned or what he's used them for. I called him on it and he tried to explain them away. Since he knows I don't like that but it helps him feel "inpired" (yes, he said that) he had made a secret board. Then family came in and we decided to shelve it for later.

I feel lied to all over again. He claims these aren't the ones he claimed to have deleted, these came later. Either way it is still deceptive and I don't believe for one second that the images were purely viewed for the artistic education. I call B.S.

I'm numbing for now. I can't deal until I have a moment to myself away from my in-laws.

I know I can be okay. I know I am worth more than being viewed as valuable based on the perceived appeal of a collection of body parts.  I know at least my Savior loves me.

Trying Hard to have a good day

Today I am just grateful that at this point we are both trying hard to have a successful, calm, happy Christmas week. We got lost today and that always makes for a tense situation. B was driving, whick makes it more tense. We got honked at and cut off (utah really does have rude drivers), our son was a snotty, tired, clingy mess because he is sick, B is trying to squeeze in work hours, and I didn't do the grocery shopping until 7pm tonight. However, before we were even home from our adventure we were joking about how today will be a funny story someday. We were able to discuss the tension and move forward. We congratulated ourselves on no name calling, or yelling. And I requested a new, temporary boundary for the unique work week B has  while on vacation and he was TOTALLY cool with it. Today, like all the days the last couple months, the issues and anger aren't too far below the surface but we BOTH tried hard to not let them win and today we both succeded.  That feels a bit like a Christmas miracle and seeing B try so hard reminded me a bit of why I love the guy so darn much.

"So Am I"

Last night B and I had a long conversation about the state of our marriage, the recent lies, and how we are feeling. It was a tough conversation. Neither of us really know where to go from here. The basics, as I understand them, are:

1) I expect transparency
2) He does not feel transparency is healthy for me, him, or us
3) I can't force his honesty and I don't trust him to give it now

By the end of the conversation we were both pretty emotionally raw.  I told him I'm scared of what rock-bottom will look like if he hasn't yet reached it. I'm scared of him choosing porn over his family and either leaving us, or making it bad enough that I choose to leave him. When we were basically done I said, "I'm worth it, you know." To which he responded, "So am I."

My knee-jerk thought was "That's not what I meant! I meant I'M WORTH FIGHTING FOR! I'm worth going through the work to OVERCOME YOUR ADDICTION!" I am. I am worth all the work it would take him to get sober and find recovery. However, he's walking a line trying to have both because he loves porn too. His response caught me off-guard because I'm not addicted. What was "it" that he was talking about?

I went to bed sobbing over the state of our relationship and pondering what he meant. The more I think about it, the more it pulls at my heart strings. He is worth fighting for too. I know this for lots of reasons but first and foremost is that the Savior already decided B was worth it. The Savior would have atoned and taken the weight of all the pain, and sin, and heartache, and suffering just for B and the Savior would have died just for B. B is worth it. B is worth the fight against the influence of the adversary when he tempts me to be angry, to be selfish, to be indignant and vengeful. I'm not saying that I believe in being an enabler, because that is not what the Savior is. But I believe that B is worth my time and energy and efforts to become more Christ-like that I might do my part to make our marriage work. B was just a boy, with a working mother, an absentee father, and late-night television commercials, who got sucked in.

I don't know why the Lord saw fit to guide me to him and to confirm my desire to marry B. I do know this trial has already made me more compassionate, more sensitive to things of the spirit, and more understanding of the sacred nature of the sexual relationship between a man and spouse. I know that my relationship with my Savior has grown more deep, and loving, and full because of this trial. If I do my part it will continue to do that. If I do my part, maybe, just maybe, I'll end up with an eternal marriage to B. Either way, if I do my part, I will gain my own eternal salvation and all that was lost will be restored and I will be able to return to my Father in Heaven and have him declare me a good a faithful servant.

When the anger was taken from me while I taught Sunday School

I am a Sunday School teacher for the youth in our ward. There are about a dozen and I enjoy my calling very much.

Last Saturday, after a week of arguing with myself over whether to ask or not, I asked B about pornography. For a week I had thought that he had probably acted out simply because it was "time" in his cycle but since he had been so good for six months at coming to me within 24 hours I kept telling myself I should just trust him. Well, again I learn I should have listened to my gut. B told me he had acted out several times the previous week and had decided not to tell me.

The anger didn't boil up right away. I recently read that we too often listen to respond rather than listen to understand and I didn't want to do that. So I listened to him to understand and didn't react or respond much. By the time I was going to bed that night the anger was overcoming me. How could he LIE to me for a week? And I felt he was still hiding behind vague answers during that conversation. What am I supposed to do? I have boundaries in place, and B slept on the couch that night. What do I do if I don't know when he is looking at pornography? Don't get me wrong, we've been down that road before but I feel that I've come so far in my own recovery and I am no longer willing to accept a life of ignoring the elephant in the room. Since B doesn't want to acknowledge when the elephant walks over to the bed from the corner I'm not sure what boundaries should be in place. It is something I'll have to think and pray about.

Anyway, I woke up Sunday still pretty mad and hurt. We didn't speak much or touch at all. As I was teaching my Sunday School lesson the tears were so close to the surface. The lesson went okay, but was not anything to write home about. At the end I took about five minutes to bear my testimony of the Savior and all the sudden I just felt the spirit envelop me very strongly. As I spoke of Him, the miracle of His birth, His ministry, and His infinite atonement I was touched. And in those five minutes Heavenly Father granted me the blessing of removing the anger from my heart and filling it with peace.

When I saw B to take our son for third hour so B could teach I finally spoke to him. I put my hand on his cheek and just said "I love you" and I knew he could feel that I meant it.

It never fails to amaze me how infinite the atonement of our Savior is. When I turn to Him, He will remove the anger from my heart. He will fill me with peace, and guidance, and love. During sacrament meeting I just kept thinking that I will end up being cheated on (meaning with a real-live woman) and by third hour I just had peace that it will all work out. It might not look like I want it to, but it will all be okay if I keep my relationship with my Savior intact and nurtured.

It's Like Watching A Muted TV

I need to have the guidance, comfort, and wisdom that our Savior offers us through the Holy Ghost in my life to make sense of what is happening. I've been struggling with clarity this past week. I'm hurting, I'm confused about whether it is me, or him, or us, or addiction, or Satan, or ME, or me, or him. I know that when I am nurturing my relationship with my Heavenly Father on a regular basis with heartfelt prayer and scripture study and gospel study and pondering I don't feel so confused. When I'm nurturing this relationship I can see the truth through the lies. I know if it is me, or him, or something in between. I have confidence in my gut when I'm close to the spirit. Lately I haven't been able to do any of this and today a thought struck me - it is like watching TV on mute.

If the TV is on mute I can get a basic understanding of what is happening. I know Mr. X is talking to Ms. B and they are at work. However, it is just a cursory understanding of the actions that are appearing. I don't understand why any of the actions are happening. I don't understand the meaning behind that look, or those tears, or that laughter. I don't see the plot line unfolding and have an idea of what might happen next. I need to hear what is happening in order for that greater understanding.

I feel like I'm watching TV on mute only the TV is my life and it is on mute because I see the actions happening but I just don't get it. I don't know the truth from the lies. My "gut" has apparently checked out for the holidays. I can't get a sense of what is coming. I don't know what to work on because I don't fully grasp what is wrong. The only thing that can take my life off mute is the Spirit of the Lord. He knows. He doesn't have mute on. He will help me hear and understand if I only do the work to be able to hear His still small voice.

Hold Fast to What You Already Know

In my prayers this weekend this has come to my mind, and the talk it is from. My mind was full of fuzz and confusion and I couldn't seem to sort it out. So I started with what I knew. Elder Holland taught (See his talk "Lord, I believe") that we should start with our belief. It is powerful. It is powerful just starting with stating some things you know to be true and going from there.

I know that God lives. I know that Jesus Christ lives. I know that the Holy Ghost works with God the Father and His son Jesus Christ to teach all of us here on earth, and comfort us, and help us along our journey. I know that I am a daughter of the God. He knows me, He loves me. My Savior knows the pain I feel. He knows the emptiness I feel. He knows the joys I feel. He knows how full my heart is when I see my son smile at me or wrap his tiny chubby arms around my neck. I think he gave me a son to heal my heart a little. I think he gave me a son to restore my faith in the male gender and to understand a little more that my husband is a son too. And there is a mother who once had her whole life light up when her first child, her little boy, smiled at her and wrapped his arms around her neck. He was once her whole world just like my son is mine. I know that Heavenly Father wants me to be with Him again, to gain eternal salvation, to be changed by this life for the better. So maybe, just maybe, the pain I feel has a purpose. It is my duty to seek and discover that purpose and be changed. To be better, more kind, more patient, more loving, more Christ-like.

In Honor of Thanksgiving - I'm thankful

I decided to list a few things I'm grateful for in honor of Thanksgiving week. I usually find this practice therapeutic so hopefully I won't feel quite so numb at the end. They aren't in any particular order.

• Chocolate
• Helpful people
• The Plan of Salvation
• A testimony
• People who are nurturers
• My sister
• My son
• A clean house
• Christmas decorations
• Good music
• Downton Abbey
• Living in a time when there is so much WoPA support
• Dr. Pepper
• Inspiration and Revelation
• A car that works
• Email
• The opportunity to get an M.S.
• My parents
• Flowers
• Time off from B
• The atonement
• Did I mention my son?
• B's support of my pursuit of an M.S.
• Hugs
• The atonement

Are you not going to kiss me goodnight?

This question caused a problem the other night. "Are you not going to kiss me goodnight?" It was late, we had just said our bed-time prayer together and B stood up and walked to his desk and sat down. I was going directly to bed so this indicated he was foregoing our nightly ritual of a good-night hug and kiss. I asked. And he immediately started yelling. He said he hates that question and that if I want a hug why don't I just give him one instead of accusing him of being neglectful. I see his point - he felt like I was accusing him. And if I'm honest with myself, I was.

Earlier that day we had decided to do something together. He said he just needed to send a quick email. Two hours later when he was on a conference call I realized he had no intention of following through on our plans. I had been stood up. And the worst part - not only did he not follow through he totally forgot. He made no mention of it at all. When I jokingly brought up that he had not followed through he just laughed. Sting. I felt totally rejected. I tried to brush it off but when he walked away from a good-night kiss I felt rejected all over again and asked him "Are you not going to kiss me goodnight?" His yells stunned me because it seemed  like just a big over-reaction. And then he hugged me, but a little too tight and it hurt a little. And I went to bed. The next morning (he slept on the couch) he apologized and I told him why I had asked the question that way and that I had felt rejected. He apologized. When I got home from work that day there were flowers waiting for me. I LOVE flowers. I thanked him warmly. We were mostly on good terms but the emotional connection that we usually share on good days was missing. The mood was warm, but from a distance.

I realized this morning that I think the reason I am feeling "warm from a distance" is that I haven't forgiven him the latest disclosure and a tough conversation in which he blamed me for things. I'm stuck. And it is filling me with fears. The "scenarios" are filling my head. The ones that we make up and get worked up over when it hasn't happened and most likely won't happen. Those scenarios can be the death of a good mood on the best of days for me. I don't have an answer right now. I know that I have some healing to do. I know I have stuff to work through.

Last week was tough - I wrote about being all triggered by the stupid media. What I didn't write was that at the same time a beloved family member was in the last days of his battle with cancer and because of the recent disclosure I couldn't turn to B. Then the triggers. Then my dear family member died. Then I realized I couldn't attend the funeral but B would be able to go. I just haven't recovered from last week yet so I'm fragile, and fearful, and low, and I'm just doing everything I can to numb.

What can I do to heal? I will commit to doing step-work today and reading my scriptures. I will commit to reading my scriptures tomorrow and doing one thing from my self-care list. Then I'll revisit and maybe have more clarity.

Satan's tricks don't end when you have an epiphany

I posted yesterday morning about how Satan is so tricky and knows just what buttons to push for me personally. Now, I know I make my own choices so I'm not casting blame, I'm just saying he knows the ways in which I am particularly vulnerable. I had this epiphany that gave me clarity on some things B had said when in "addict mode." I thought, "Whew, made it past that difficulty, now things will be good for a while." Yeah, NO. See, there are more buttons for Satan to push.

Yesterday the whole Kim Kardashian naked pictures in the magazine news was everywhere I turned. I did not see the actual photos but blurred pictures were all over the internet and I saw them without trying. It made me frustrated at the state of society and the whole-hearted acceptance of sexual objectification in main-stream media and society and life. I vented, I processed, I got past it.

This morning I logged onto facebook. The first item on my newsfeed wass a large picture from an artist that I follow of an ass. It is a colored drawing in which the butt takes up about 60% of the space. The artist was celebrating 170k likes on his "Desktop" drawing. I'm sorry dear artist but the likes weren't for the merit of your artistic ability, they were from people who like to see asses on their desktop. Not the same thing. See, here's the thing. In the spirit of honesty I will share way too much information. B is an butt guy. There are many experiences I could share that would explain why seeing a huge butt on my facebook feed sent me into a tizzy but we'll leave it at that. Butts are super triggery for me.

I started a post that was a commentary on the state of society's acceptance of sexually explicit material. But for now my heart wasn't in that. Maybe my heart is too busy being hurt right now to think about society as a whole. I'm selfishly just thinking of myself and my pain. That is selfish. There are women who have is worse than me. There are other trials in this world that are worse than the one I'm experiencing. There are lots of things in my life to be grateful for. For the rest of the day I'll focus on those.

For the rest of the day I will try to do as we were instructed by President Gordon B. Hinckley -

“Don’t be gloomy. Do not dwell on unkind things. Stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight. Even if you are not happy, put a smile on your face. ‘Accentuate the positive.’ Look a little deeper for the good. Go forward in life with a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your face, with great and strong purpose in your heart. Love life.”

Processing Negative Emotions - Satan is tricky tricky

A few days ago I was at work, and I was being super productive. At some point during the day I knew, in my gut, that something was up. I went home after work and while I was preparing dinner I asked B about it. He told me he'd acted out that day. (One Point GUT) I numbed with busy for a few hours because I didn't want to feel the hurt, the crazy, the anger. Later B calmly remind me of our commitment to be kind and patient and can I just do that for him because it is so much harder for him to be happy and not feel judged and worthless if I am not being kind and patient.

Now, my definition of kind and patient in this scenario varies WIDELY from his. I believe he was referring to wanting me to be "normal" and while he would respect my boundary of sleeping apart for a while he wanted everything to proceed as normal, no emotional distance, or sadness, or visible signs of the negative emotions I would be experiencing. He didn't say these things but based on our history that is what I believe he meant. This threw me for a bit and when I brought the topic up the next day it did NOT go well.

There are some things this has helped me realize (again). When my husband checks out and my addict husband checks in all logic and truth goes out the window. It isn't done maliciously I believe, but he truly is in Satan's grasp and Satan is trying to keep him there and bring me down to join him. The co-dependency comes out (thus his needing ME to be a certain way in order to be happy), the blame comes out, the defiance comes out, and the irrational, false, logic is in full display. And Satan is smart. He knows that I would have no problem dismissing things like name calling and yelling as addict behavior and wrong. He knows that I no longer buy into the lie that I'm not good enough physically for my husband to be sober. He also knows that I am trying to walk the fine line of being true to myself, to the gospel, and be Christ-like and show compassion. And that line is pretty blurry for me sometimes. So in hind-sight it is no surprise that B tried to convince me that the Christ-like behaviors of kindness and patience looked differently that I thought and I needed to work on those. Sneaky sneaky Satan. I grappled with it for a couple days - What is kindness in this case? What constitutes patience? (Still a little blurry, but not as blurry as two days ago)

Now, Satan's attack wasn't just one punch, he had a left-right hook going on because the thing that triggers fear in me more than anything else is any mention of secret keeping. Nearly every time B discloses he talks about how telling me things just hurts me so he really is thinking he shouldn't tell me this or that or it is so unnecessary for me to ask. I'll insist on transparency and he suddenly goes from "rescuer" of my hurt feelings to "victim" of my demand (Hello drama triangle, my old companion). This time was no exception. That is when the numb stopped working, the tears got close to the surface and I felt myself shutting the conversation down because addict husband is not a safe person to be vulnerable with.

Then came the negative emotions. They stayed all of Tuesday. In fact Tuesday was pretty darn awful because I got some bad news about a  loved one's health and I couldn't turn to B because of all the negative emotions. It brought me back to my worst, most traumatic D-day where I was really really needing B and just got home and called him for support I opened our laptop and saw dozens of windows of pornography open. He had betrayed me when I needed him most. And Tuesday felt much the same. I knew from my step-work and experience that I was experiencing negative emotions and that there was a way for me to feel whole and happy again. I knew it would pass, but it just hurt so bad. I processed. I called a friend and let her in on the very surface of my feelings. I texted another friend and just expressed my loneliness. I read my scriptures. I posted a question on a forum I participate in. By Wednesday morning I was ready to open up to B and show him my hurt so I could begin to be vulnerable with him again. It was hard, and ugly, and lots of tears.

I'm still not back to normal. I have the emotional hang-over that typically follows trying to process so much negative emotion at once. The would is gaping open but I've cleaned out the gunk of negative emotion and will now work on bandaging with healthy thoughts, gospel truths, addiction and betrayal trauma knowledge, and most importantly the atonement. Satan got to me for a couple days but he couldn't hold me. I never want to let him hold me for long. Our Savior's embrace is a much better place to be. (The song below is titled "In His Embrace" from EFY and it seems appropriate)

 

Sleeping on the Diagonal

I have a boundary - I can't remember if I've talked about it on here before. It isn't listed on my boundaries page because it is pretty fluid. I have some give depending on my level of safety. It is that if B does not come to bed within 30 minutes of me then I will sleep apart from him. Typically this means he has slept on the couch if he doesn't come to bed on time. I don't go to bed early and if I do then I extend the time-frame for that evening. It all started when I couldn't sleep because the anxiety of "what is he doing?" "when is he coming to bed?" "Should I check on him?" "What if he comes and wants to have sex?" "What if he..." and so on. See me and sleep have had a generally wonderful relationship most of my life. I value sleep. When I get in bed I say, out loud, "I LOVE BED!" about 90% of the time. So after a week of not being able to greet my old friend sleep like usual I knew I needed a change. A wonderful sister from a forum I participate in suggested a boundary like the one I ended up creating. B didn't argue too much and it has helped immensely. It affords me much peace of mind that I didn't have before.

I still go to bed before B most of the time. Most of the time he comes to bed within the given time-frame but not always. A few times he has come to bed just outside of the time frame and it started to make me nervous so I semi-consciously came up with a solution to ease my fears. I sleep on the diagonal until he comes to bed. So strange and it seems so crazy when I type it out. But when I crawl into bed without him I sleep either dead center or swing my legs across his side to fall asleep. This way I KNOW when he comes to bed because I have to physically move. What I don't  want is to sleep and then wake up in the morning with him next to me and not know when he came to bed, if he came to bed on time, if he'll be honest about it. A few weeks ago he lied about why he was up so late and that is when the diagonal sleeping really kicked into high gear.

It is my little way of ensuring my boundary is kept without relying on his honesty. Last night I fell asleep on MY SIDE and sure enough woke up this morning to B beside me with no idea when he had gotten there and the fear crept in and the "scenarios" started to sneak up on me. Thankfully I was able to push them aside quickly, but it reminded me exactly why I sleep on the diagonal and that it is really a good solution to keep me feeling safe and secure and in control of my fears.

Do the best you can until you know better...

This one just spoke to me today. I'm grateful for a patient God who accepts my best even when he knows it is not the best. Then, challenges me to learn and to do better with what I learn.

Step One - Part 5

This post is part of my step work through the "Healing Through Christ Manual" in which I answer the questions presented at the end of each step to work my way through what was taught. The "Healing Through Christ" manual can be downloaded for free at healingthroughchrist.org.

FINDING OUR OWN RECOVERY AND FACING ADVERSITY

Letting Go of Those Not In Recovery

1. How does the bridge analogy help me understand how to begin my healing journey? How might it apply to my addicted loved one? Other family members?

This analogy helps me begin my journey because I realize there is a place of hope and healing. There is a place of warmth. I am allowed to be there even in my spouse doesn't decide to come with me. It is right for me to be there if I choose to make the trek across the bridge. This analogy also helps show how me working on me can help others (including my spouse) see that there is hope and healing and a warm and happy place possible. I can't know the difficulties associated with my addicted loved one's journey across this bridge but just maybe living the example will help him understand it is possible.

2. How does Helamen 3:29-30 apply this same concept?

      29 Yea, we see that whosoever will may lay hold upon the word of God, which is quick and powerful, which shall divide asunder all the cunning and the snares and the wiles of the devil, and lead the man of Christ in a strait and narrow course across that everlasting gulf of misery which is prepared to engulf the wicked—

       30 And land their souls, yea, their immortal souls, at the right hand of God in the kingdom of heaven, to sit down with Abraham, and Isaac, and with Jacob, and with all our holy fathers, to go no more out.

These scriptures give me so much hope! I want to sit down with Abraham and Isaac and Jacob. I want to sit down with Joseph and Brigham. I want to sit at the right hand of God. I want to see through the wiles of the devil. I want to avoid the everlasting gulf of misery. Also, the word of God is quick and powerful. So it is there waiting for me, I will get results quickly and they will be powerful enough to make a difference. 

Trials stimulate my growth and understanding

1. How might Elder Scott's explanation and counsel (page 16) be applied to this trial of having a loved one in addiction?

Elder Scott beautifully explains that when we are facing adversity that has not been brought upon our heads by our own actions it means the "Lord feels you are prepared to grow more." I like this. I've heard that we aren't given a trial we can't handle with Christ's help but this counsel goes a step further. The adversity has a purpose, a silver lining, a point. It is not just something to get through - it is something to relish and to use and to take advantage of. I want to grow! Elder Orson F. Whitney said, "...it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we came here to acquire." (page 7). I want to gain the education I came here to acquire. If I don't then what a waste! I've spent all this time apart from my Father in Heaven in order to gain eternal salvation, knowledge, an EDUCATION. If I fail to gain the light and knowledge available to me through trial and tribulation and navigating adversity successfully and I return to my Father in Heaven unable to live with Him forever it will have been an opportunity wasted. I've already gained so much through this trial and I hope to gain much more.

Opportunities for growth and learning

1. What can I learn from this experience? How can it become an opportunity to gain knowledge and wisdom that will benefit my life now and in the future? How can focusing on my own recovery change my life for the better? How can changing my life influence those around me in a positive way?

I can learn so much. I think I can gain a deeper understanding of the atonement. I can gain a sweeter relationship with my Savior. I can learn patience. I can learn to trust God. I can learn to love myself and to understand that I am a Daughter of the Most High. Most importantly I can learn charity in ways that I don't currently understand this most important attribute. All these things can be learned through the spirit - as I traverse the struggles, and battle Satan's lies and influence. As I seek the guidance of my Savior diligently he will unfold His mysteries unto me and will bless me with these characteristics in greater portion than I can currently fathom. Focusing on my own recovery will make me a better person, a happier person, a more functional person, and a more successful person. It will make me a better and more willing servant to my Savior and my fellow men. I will be a more able and understanding instrument in His hands. I will be able to affect more change, to touch more people, and to share the gospel with more clarity and conviction. I want this. I'm excited for the opportunity to so drastically change myself and I'm so grateful for the tools like this workbook, books, friends, and the scriptures and words of living apostles that can help me take full advantage of the opportunity.

The One Where I Realize I Would Do It All Again

I've been thinking a lot lately about whether I would choose to marry a pornography addict again if I knew the pain that it would cause. The pain and heartache I've experienced with this trial far exceed that of any other trail I have experienced. Before I explain I want to say that this is very personal, and just my observations and feelings of my experiences. There is no right answer and this is not me giving advice to those questioning whether to marry or stay with an addict. Each situation is unique and each person must make their own decisions.

For me, I realized I would do it again. The reason is because I can't imagine giving up all the lessons I've learned and most importantly I am unwilling to give up the sweet relationship I've gained with my Savior and Redeemer as I have learned to lean on Him, to let His atonement work in my life, and to take His yoke upon me and hand mine off to Him. There are still hard days to come where I will be in the pit of despair. I still don't know if my marriage will last forever. I have hopes that it will, but I can't know that it will. One thing I know is that Christ lives. He is my Savior, my Redeemer, my friend, my confidant, my rock, my Lord, and my hope. He has shown me happiness even in my darkest moments and I know that means that there is a source beyond this earthly experience that is where we can and should rely for our happiness, our peace, our joy, and our perspective. My greatest wish is to live with my Heavenly Father and Savior again after this life, surrounded by my loved ones. I want those loved ones to include B and I have hope that will be the case. I'm so weak, I'm so broken, I'm such a child in my understanding of God's great mysteries but that is okay. This life is about learning, and growing and changing.

That is what this trial has done for me - it has changed me. Some of the changes are difficult, like how I can become anxious and fearful with only small triggers. But the important lasting changes are the good ones. When I become anxious and fearful I KNOW where to go to handle it, to heal, to find peace again. I have complete confidence and trust in my Savior and His willingness and ability to heal my heart, to save me from the natural man, and to teach me truth. I want to be with Him again someday, and that will take a refiner's fire. I'm willing to walk through that refiner's fire for as long as I need to in order to be perfected through my Savior and gain eternal life. I know there are other trials ahead of me. I have a feeling this one, the life of a WoPA will be the big one, or one of the big ones of my life. It will continue to refine me, to change me, to teach me as I let the spirit guide me through this fire. If I turn from the spirit then the change won't be good, the trial won't have a silver lining. But as I stick close to my Savior I will continue to find the silver lining.

The Picture from the Horrible Vacation

Image from blackdreamer.com

I say the vacation was horrible but it really wasn't. We had the opportunity to go to the Caribbean a couple years ago. The island was beautiful. The friends we were with were fun. The food was good. The water was clear. The beach was warm and clean. The sailing was spectacular. The snorkling was adventurous. But there was an undercurrent. That week I was hardly touched by my husband on our fabulous vacation. He was distant and closed-off and grumpy.

*Warning, this next paragraph could be super triggery - proceed with caution*

I knew in my heart what it was about. The beach, the sun, the ocean all afforded lots of opportunities to see beautiful, scantily-clad women. And when I say scantily clad I mean it - many of the beaches were topless-optional. Even the beach we were at the most which wasn't technically a top-less beach gave us a nice long look at two 20-somethings who weighed a buck-ten in their string bikini bottoms and bouncy, perky, naked boobs as they walked by slowly and turned around and walked by again. I'm SO sorry if that is triggery for you. It was my reality. So, it came as no surprise when B told me he was depressed because I didn't look that way and it made him feel distant from me and less loving toward me and why couldn't I just try harder. FACE-PALM. It should have been a GREAT vacation. One we will likely never be able to afford again. It was absolutely ruined by his addiction. The reason I'm thinking about it now is someone commented on a picture from that vacation on Facebook. The picture is in a beautiful setting with the sun-set behind us, palm trees, sand, and my husband's arm around me. We are both smiling at the camera.

Except, are we really smiling? There are no teeth in my husband's smile. And while mine looks fine when I saw it next to pictures where I am not in trauma mode it was OH SO CLEAR that I was unhappy and it was a forced smile. My eyes look sad. The corner's of my mouth aren't turned up quite as much. My shoulders are hanging. It brought tears to my eyes seeing that picture again and realizing just how sad I was in one of the most beautiful places I've ever been.

This is what makes me so angry when it comes to this addiction. So many things have been stolen from me. The fabulous vacation memories are stolen forever. I don't know that I'll ever go to a tropical island with my husband again. Seriously, never, ever. It was so traumatic. So potential vacations are stolen. Gosh darn I hate it when things are stolen from me.

As I think this though the following quote enters my mind. I remember when it was taught and it was said with great feeling - as I'm sure anyone who's heard Elder Holland teach can imagine:

"Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come." —Jeffrey R. Holland

I love this and I rely on it. All the things that are stolen from me are okay. Some blessings don't come until heaven, but they COME. I'm learning more and more to trust God, to rely on Him, and that He will bring me peace and happiness and hope ALWAYS.

Explaining the Ups and Downs to someone who just hasn't been there

I had an interesting experience - at least it was for me - a couple days ago. We are living with my parents right now, and my father is our bishop too. When we moved my husband disclosed to my dad his addiction because of the bishop thing. It went super well over-all. My dad has a general idea that it is an addiction and doesn't just go away. He gave good counsel like pray, read your scriptures, and some practical stuff like go to bed with your wife so as to remove some opportunity. He suggested the local church ARP meetings. He didn't really talk to me at all. It took me a few weeks to process the anger I felt toward my dad that he didn't support me. I thought surely this would be the one bishop who cared what this addiction did to me! However, I just realized that mostly the bishops and leaders just don't understand what this does to wives. If my dad knew the anguish I've been through and still experience sometimes he would definitely have responded differently toward me. So his lack of that response confirmed that he just doesn't get it, and I realized he can't get it. He isn't a WoPA. He just can't really understand the betrayal and crazy and worry and fear that comes with the territory. So, I did my best to give him educational resources and backed away, knowing I would need to find my support elsewhere.

Fast forward several months. He's observed that there are some weeks where I'm not quite myself and I seem less cheerful than usual. I try to hide it from my folks, especially my mom, because I can't really answer her questions honestly. He has asked a couple times how I am and what has me down. I've been vague. The other day though we were in the car together, and I was actually doing well. He asked how things were going. I told him it is up and down. He seemed a little puzzled. I told him that I guarantee that the other spouses in his congregation going through this have ups and downs too because of this addiction. He seemed to think there must be something else going on my marriage causing the discontent. Nope, this is it. I think he was still puzzled why I would have ups and downs when I intellectually know all I know about addiction. It was just interesting watching this man, who is the kindest, most spiritual, wisest man I know, struggle to comprehend the crazy that I am experiencing.

It made me so grateful for my WoPA sisters that offer love and support. I only have one WoPA girl-friend in real-life but I have an entire support system through blogging and forums. I know I can go there when I need clarity, love, compassion, support, help, and wise advice. There is nothing like experience that teaches us how to help others. This year as I have learned more and more and worked on my own healing I have felt a strong desire to share what I've learned. I gave my bishop a letter to other WoPAs he counsels, and a resource page, and I blog, and I participate in the forum, and I follow and share information about the damage of pornography on social media. If my difficult learning curve can make it a little easier for only one sister who gets the resources she needs on her first bishop visit instead of after years of searching then I kind of feel like it is worth it. If all the pain and anguish is only to help my sister's with their pain in ways I would otherwise have been unable to do, then it is worth it.

When I was struggling with infertility the only person who I could really express my pain to was my cousin who was struggling with the exact same thing at the exact same time. We shared our crazy-person stories and cried together and laughed together and she just knew. I'm so sad for all my WoPA sisters and so grateful for their strength and faith and hope at the same time. It isn't my dad's job to understand this trial. It isn't my bishop's job to be that person for me. It is my job to seek out the support I need from those who can offer it, and most importantly from my Savior. He knows. He's felt it. He gets it.

Step One - Part 4

This post is part of my step work through the "Healing Through Christ Manual" in which I answer the questions presented at the end of each step to work my way through what was taught. The "Healing Through Christ" manual can be downloaded for free at healingthroughchrist.org.

RECOGNIZING UNHEALTHY BEHAVIORS

Step One Inventory

1. Do I focus mainly on the problems of my addicted loved one and allow this focus to consume my life? Do I allow their problems to prevent me from living a happy and productive life and from loving and interacting with family members and friends?

Some days the problems of my addicted loved one consume my life. Mostly I would say no though. Having an addicted loved one in the first place can feel consuming but I still actively love and interact with family members and loved ones generally. I would say 80/20 on this one. It does happen sometimes but not most of the time.

2. Have I been in denial over the seriousness of my loved ones' addiction? Describe the thoughts and emotions that encouraged my feelings of denial.

I am not currently in denial but I was for several years. I ignored what was happening, "even when it [was] right before [my] eyes." I did this until I was ready to face the truth. This week I contemplated going back to that place - it seemed easier somehow. But I know it is unhealthy, and it ate away at me, so I can't go back.

3. Have I enabled my addicted loved one? What was the result?

Yes, I believe I have because I shielded him from consequences. I didn't have any boundaries and let myself be treated as a doormat. I let myself be used as a lust hit. I pretended what he is doing had no effect on me or our family. It does have an effect. The result was nice for him I believe - he has referenced going back to that time when I was actively ignoring because he felt like I wasn't hurt as much, which he prefers. However, it was still hurting I just wasn't as vocal about it and I wasn't dealing in a healthy manner. What it didn't do was change him at all - he still acted out the entire time. I'm guessing it was every week or two. I can't control it.

4. Have I used persecuting behaviors to try to stop my loved ones' addiction? What was the outcome? Do I feel responsible for their recovery?

Yes, I have. I have made sure to let him know how hurt I am thinking his guilt and shame will make him stop. That didn't work. I have given him the silent treatment. That didn't work. I have thrown information about addiction and recovery at him. That didn't work. I've tried to control. The part of the handbook that says "it doesn't matter if we could help them if only they'd listen to and cooperate with us" really struck me. I COULD help if only he would listen!! But that doesn't matter because I can't control him, or his willingness to listen, or seek or want help. I can't control whether or not he even has a desire to change.

5. Do I feel I am a victim as a result of my loved ones' addiction? Do I suffer from feelings of guilt or shame? How have I suffered because I blamed myself for my loved ones' addiction?

Yes, I have felt and feel a victim as a result of my loved ones' addiction. I'm not sure how to not feel that way. He is doing all of these things. The addiction makes him irritable, quick to anger, and selfish and it is a form of adultery. I am being cheated on every 3 weeks. I don't know how to not feel like I am a victim of that. It feels like if I say I am not a victim, then I am saying his behaviors are acceptable and okay and I'm just the one with the problem. I know he is not doing these things too me but they are affected me. I am being cheated on, repeatedly, over and over and over. Clearly, this is one negative emotion I need to work on. I don't blame myself anymore - I did for a little while early on, but I don't now.

6. Have I tried to change my appearance through starvation or cosmetic surgical procedures in an effort to stop my loved ones' sexual addiction. Have I become anorexic?

My resolution to change my appearance for him never lasts more than a day because something I now know is that I am beautiful by the definition of my Savior and that is enough for me. I struggled with bulimic tendencies briefly in college and briefly after I was married and facing the truth of having an addicted loved one but now my testimony of my divine worth won't let me do that.

7. Am I distracting myself from emotional distress by excessive shopping, spending, over-eating, obsessive exercising, or using media or any other behavior to escape or soothe my fearful or angry emotions?

Yes, I watch TV to distract myself. I watch TV to go numb and stop thinking about all this.

8. How have unhealthy codependent behaviors impacted my life? How have they affected my loved one?

They have made me miserable. This addiction is stupid and I can't control it or my husband's desire to overcome it. Allowing either any control over my happiness has just brought worry and fear and heartache. I don't know how to have an open and vulnerable and successful marriage without some happiness hinging on it being those things though. If it has no effect on my happiness then it is just business, it isn't something that can make me happy or sad, so why put all the effort into it? A great marriage would make me happy, so how do I saw an unhealthy marriage won't make my unhappy?

I choose to avoid controlling others

1. Have I tried to control addictive behaviors through threats, silent treatment, withdrawal of love, shaming, blaming, or constant monitoring of their behaviors?

I would say no. I have withdrawn love, I have blamed (in my heart), I have gotten silent. But I don't think I did those in an effort to control. I know they were perceived that way but I honestly have done those things when I have felt too weak to be vulnerable, too hurt to put myself out there, and too sad to put his feelings ahead of my own. These were a mechanism for coping with the hurt - by shielding myself from more hurt.

Letting go and allowing consequences

1. Why is it important to allow my loved one to experience the consequences of their addiction? How will this make a difference in their life as well as my own?

It is important because that is the nature of this life - the way it was designed. We make choices, and we face the music. I am not the Savior, so I don't have the capacity to save my husband, nor is it my job. We must all face our own consequences. I believe that facing them sooner helps us in the long run.

Reacting or responding

1. What can I do to begin responding rather than reacting? What differences do I see in myself and in others when I respond rather than react?

Honestly, I feel I generally do a good job of responding rather than reacting. Rarely do I just let my knee-jerk reaction rule my actions. However, I could work on not letting it control my thoughts and feelings too. When I respond rather than react the situation doesn't escalate. My husband will react about 95% of the time, so all it takes for a situation to escalate is for me to react as well and then BOOM there we go. I struggle with feeling it is unfair to have such a disparity in who reacts vs. responds. But life isn't fair. And where much is given much is required. I was taught to respond rather than react so I am required to do so. My husband, through is primary attachment figure, was mostly taught to react rather than respond so he isn't held to the same standard (I believe). Sometimes it just stinks.


My favorite quote from the workbook while working this section of the step was:

"Do not give in to paralyzing feelings of guilt and hopelessness. Seek spiritual help and peace. Be strong and courageous. You will see it through." - Elder Carmack (p. 12)

I will see it through!

The post where I want him to want to do the dishes... kind of

Have you seen the movie "The Break Up" with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn? I saw it many years ago and haven't seen it recently but one scene always stuck with me. They are arguing about lots of things, and doing the dishes comes up because Vince Vaughn's character makes a big deal of being reluctant and put-upon when asked to help do the dishes. He says "Why would I want to do the dishes?!" and she responds with "I want you to WANT to do the dishes!"

Isn't this argument so telling about what we really want? We want closeness. We want someone to want us, to care about us, to think about us. To quote Cheap Trick, "I want you want me."

My anniversary is coming up. We made out-of-town day plans but I can't go because of school. I told B last night that I can't leave for the entire day and in our conversation this morning he said he was still planning on being gone all day doing the thing we were going to do together. So, I guess that leaves me alone, all day, on our anniversary. We'll see if his plans change before the actual day. I want him to want to spend our anniversary together. I don't want him to spend it with me because I ask him to stay. I want him to want to stay in order to be with me.

Asking defeats what I want because then he might just stay because I asked him to, not because he wanted to stay himself. However, in an effort to be honest and forthcoming and not manipulative I told him this morning that although the activity he might attend would be great I want to spend time with him on our anniversary. All he said was, "I know." He didn't even look at me. He just kept feeding the baby. He didn't say, "Me too" or "That is what we'll do" or anything that indicated he wanted to spend time with me on our 5 year anniversary. It hurt. It stung. Now what do I do? I want him to want me. He doesn't need to want to spend every hour of every day with me. But I want him to want to spend our anniversary evening together. As of right now he'll be gone all day instead, because that is what he is choosing. I'm feeling hurt today. I'm feeling fearful of a special day being ruined. I'm feeling fearful of bursting into tears in front of strangers, or class-mates, or the bus driver.

The One Where I don't like a popular song

There is a new-ish song that I've heard several times on the radio. The first time I heard this song it rubbed me the wrong way and every time since I like it less and less. I want to share why. The song is called "God Made Girls" The song is all about why God made girls, with the reason being for guys. God made girls to rock the guys world, to drag him to church, to wear skirts, to make him get dressed up, to give him a reason to wash his truck. I think I get the sentiment - guys and girls compliment each other. However, I just really really dislike the way this sentiment is expressed. God did NOT make girls FOR boys. We are not subservient to men. Our sole purpose is not to elevate the life of the men in the world. I am not made solely to please my husband, or fix him, or care for him. I am more than that. It just seems like the lyrics promote that the goal is for men to be successful, and they needed help to be successful, so women were made to get them the rest of the way.

No, no no. We are all made to be successful and we can all help each other along the way, but my purpose is not solely to make B successful. It is for me to be successful too - and my success isn't measured by whether or not B is successful. I think that is the root of my discontent. It seems that if God made girls for all these things then if he doesn't go to church, or open the door, or wash his truck it is somehow the girl's fault. That is the lie. Nobody is responsible for another person's actions. Everyone is responsible for themselves. Guys can wash their own damn truck without a girl around to motivate them. They can get to church for themselves, on their own, regardless of whether or not a female is encouraging them.

Maybe if this addiction wasn't part of my life I would feel differently about this song. But that is not my reality. My reality is that things are affected by the presence of this addiction. But maybe, just maybe, the effects are good because I'm more sensitive to so many lies that exist in our culture. I'm better at identifying them. I'm better at rejecting them. I'm better at seeking the truth and shunning the lies.

Boundaries are Working

For the longest time I held off on boundaries. I couldn't figure them out and I didn't like the idea of physical space as a consequence because I was afraid. Isn't that such a common emotion for WoPAs? I was afraid of pushing him away, of pushing him to pornography, of making him angry, of physical space not helping, of feeling and being alone. I was so afraid. Over time I finally realized what I was doing wasn't working so I might as well try something new. I set up my boundaries. The consequence of many of them is us sleeping apart for a time so I can get my space, focus on my healing, focus on myself, and so I don't have to sleep as close the edge as physically possible as I try desperately to not bump into my husband as he sleeps next to me and I am so upset with him.

The first sleep apart boundary I set was because all of the sudden I couldn't sleep. I was used to B staying up later than me but all of the sudden it was making it impossible for me to sleep. So, I decided if he wasn't in bed within 30 minutes after I was in bed then I didn't want to sleep in the same bed. That first night I slept SO WELL knowing that he wouldn't be coming to bed at 2am possibly having acted out for me to find out the next day. It has really helped my sleeping since as well. This experience gave me the courage to set other boundaries. B and I have only slept in the same bed twice in nearly two weeks but I am feeling pretty darn good. I'm feeling peace (mostly). I feel safe and like I have a way to protect myself and allow myself the time I need to heal.

When I set my first two boundaries (before the bed time one) I called a friend and sobbed uncontrollably because this is what my life had come to and it was another realization of what I've lost, or what I never had to begin with. My friend told me that I would know if my boundaries were working by how I felt, if they gave me more peace, and if I felt more safe.

My boundaries are working right now! It makes me so happy to know that I can do something to help me feel safe while being married to man stuck in his addiction. It makes me feel like I don't have to be a victim, I don't have to let this thing destroy me, and I can be happy no matter what circumstances surround me. I love my boundaries because of how much they help protect me. I hated that I had to make boundaries to feel safe but situations are what they are and I have to live with them and this is the way for me to do that successfully so I will. 

Step One - Part 3

This post is part of my step work through the "Healing Through Christ Manual" in which I answer the questions presented at the end of each step to work my way through what was taught. The "Healing Through Christ" manual can be downloaded for free at healingthroughchrist.org.

IDENTIFYING NEGATIVE EMOTIONS

Processing my Negative Emotions
1. What are the negative emotions I struggle with? How can I process my negative emotions? How often do I struggle with negative thoughts and experience fearful or angry emotions about my loved one's addiction? Have my thoughts and worries interfered with eating and sleeping patterns? Have I struggled with feelings of hopelessness and depression? To what extent?

I struggle with anger and sadness most. I get angry that he repeats the addiction cycle over and over. I get angry that I am in this situation. I get angry that I don't have the full fidelity of my husband. I get angry that I don't have control. I also get sad and self-conscience. I am sad for all the same reasons I am angry and that often turns into a critique of my physical body. Keeping my body image healthy is extremely challenging while facing my husband's sexual addiction.

I can process my negative emotions by identifying them as such. I am feeling angry because... I am feeling sad because... I am feeling bad about myself because... And recognizing the source of negative emotions is the adversary. Once I convince myself the source is the adversary who wants to bring me down and destroy my marriage it is easier to choose to "let go and let God", turn my emotions over to him, and seek out ways to fill the space with positive emotions.

I struggle with negative emotions in some form daily. Usually the daily thoughts are fleeting and brief and I can process them quickly. About every 2 weeks I have more trouble processing these emotions quickly and it takes a couple days. These thoughts and worries interfere with my eating habits mildly by my over-eating to console myself but they do interfere with my sleep if I haven't processed by bedtime.

I have struggled with feelings of hopelessness more than feelings of depression. These feelings come only once a month or so when I am having a really hard time processing other negative emotions at the same time as B is having a hard time with processing his negative emotions. When we are BOTH negative at the same time it feels more hopeless.

The Wolf Parable

From "Healing Through Christ" - The Wolf Parable

An elder Apache was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me; it is a terrible fight that is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, self-pity, guilt, resentment, lies, and pride. The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside you and inside every other person too." The grandchildren thought about the story for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?" The old grandfather simply replied, "The one you feed."

1. Which wolf do I feed most often? What can I learn from the feelings I have when I feed either wolf ? (Read D&C 50:23-25) How do negative emotions interfere with my ability to respond appropriately to my addicted loved one?

I honestly feel that feed the good wolf most often. There are certainly days or moments where I feed the bad wolf and let myself slip into negative emotions. But more and more I'm learning to recognize the negative emotions when they start and halt them, knowing they are of the adversary and it is slippery slope to ruin an entire day or week if I succumb in those first moments of temptation. When I do allow the negative emotions to fester (and sometimes I do because I'm not perfect and sometimes I want to have a pity-party) it totally destroys my ability to be there for my addicted loved one. I am unfeeling, withdrawn, snippy, unproductive, and selfish with my time and my energy and my emotions. I think that is the biggest thing - I get selfish. I don't want to put myself out there. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to spend time with him. I don't want to be nice to him. I want to make him feel the pain that I am feeling (misery loves company). I get selfish when I feed the bad wolf.

Recognize the adversary's influence

1. What are the lies the adversary whispers into my mind? How do these lies affect my behavior? What is the truth about each of the lies I have listed? How can replacing untruthful thoughts with accurate information help me?

The lie that is whispered into my mind most often is that I am too fat to be desirable. I believed this one for a long time. Before marriage I always longed for the day when I would be married and finally be accepted for me and have a husband that saw me as beautiful because he saw past the extra pounds. Seriously, that was what I expected of marriage - a man who would love me for me and the weight wouldn't bother him because it is just part of me. Oh, YOWSA was I wrong about that one. SO SO WRONG. My problem was I was waiting for the day when validation from a man would make me comfortable in my own skin. Once I was married and realized this was NOT going to happen any time soon in my marriage I got angry, really angry. I felt like I had been seriously short-changed. I work hard on my spiritual self, my mental self, my emotional self, but all that was being considered was my physical self and because that came up short I was undesirable. Why would Heavenly Father have led me to someone who rips open my biggest weakness and pours acid on the pain? When B told me he resented that he was led to someone who was lacking in physical self-confidence and who struggled with her weight my jaw nearly hit the floor. You resent being married to me?! Are you freaking kidding me? You can't be serious. I'm the best damn thing that has happened in your life and I'm responding much better than lots of people do and I'm trying to be patient, to work on me, to understand your stupid addiction and you have the audacity to RESENT ME my lack of self-confidence? You're addiction caused lots of it! Okay, calm down Laurie. This lie, and many other affect my behavior because I get distracted by them, I get angry, I withdraw, I get more irritable, and less likely to look for opportunities to serve my spouse. The truth is that I am overweight. The lie is that being overweight automatically makes me unworthy of love or being considered attractive. The bigger lie is that being considered attractive physically is so important. It isn't. There is so much more. Replacing lies with truth grounds me, brings me peace, and makes me much more balanced on all levels.

We are commanded to be not afraid

1. How has fear destroyed my faith and hope? How has it kept me from feeling that God is with me wherever I go?

I believe, as the prophets and apostles have taught, that man cannot serve two masters. When I am in a place of fear I am putting up walls between me and the influence of the spirit. When I am in a place of fear all I can see are the negatives, the fear, the potential loss. I can't see the positives, and more importantly the hope. Fear is the opposite of faith and hope and faith go hand in hand.

You Give Love A Bad Name

Yesterday I had one of those days where I just wanted to sit in my anger for a while. I rocked out to many fabulous songs on my commute - including the song below. If you feel like singing with some serious angst, you're welcome.

Triggered by seeing what he was triggered by - and then letting go and letting God

Yesterday I was at an event, sans B, where there are LOTS of people and LOTS of young, pretty, not-so-modest women. A few weeks ago B was at a similar event (okay, it's a sporting event). So, B was at a game sans me and came home and we had a good evening. Then the next day things got weird and bad and the next day he acted out and was in FULL ADDICT mode people. Like, full on. No bueno. Upon reflection he said the triggering had started at the game with all these beautiful daughters of God who have simply not been raised to understand the same way I do about modesty.

Fast forward to yesterday, I was at a game sans B (not because of bad blood, just the way our schedules worked out). About half way through my time there I all of the sudden felt the triggery feeling coming, the trauma mode, the confusion/distraction/can't think/can't look at anyone/want to curl of and cry feeling. I was looking at all this SKIN and it was perfect, and it was on thin bodies, and smooth, and tan, and nary a stretch-mark in sight. I'm go grateful I've been working hard to keep the spirit with me and work on some step-work because it only took a few minutes for me to have the following inner-dialogue:

Me: So this is what B was looking at that he liked so much that he couldn't resist looking at some porn just a day later to keep the feeling going?

Me: Well, I guess I can understand how disappointed he was to come home and find ME as his wife (insert self-deprecating critiques that I don't want to repeat)

Me: Wait, okay, wait. These girls have done nothing wrong. It isn't their fault. B is responsible for his own actions. Crap, I'm triggered.

Me: Okay, they are daughters of God, this isn't about them it is about me. It is a lie that I am less than them because I look differently. But I'm feeling like it isn't.

Me: Remembering Step 1 *I am feeling like my emotions are unmanageable* *Let go and Let God*

Me: Heavenly Father, I need you to take this one. I can't deal with these emotions. I can't leave so I'm still going to be surrounded by this but I don't want to feel this way. I'm handing it off to you.

Within 30 minutes the trauma-mode had disappeared and I was back to normal.

It is amazing how simple principles can work wonders in practice. The recovery process isn't about not feeling hard feelings, it is about giving us tools to recognize the good, the bad, and the ugly for what it is and deal appropriately.

Step One - Part 2

This post is part of my step work through the "Healing Through Christ Manual" in which I answer the questions presented at the end of each step to work my way through what was taught. The "Healing Through Christ" manual can be downloaded for free at healingthroughchrist.org.

Choosing to Take Care of Ourselves

1. As a result of the emotional distress of facing the addiction of a loved one, how have I ignored my own needs and neglected to take care of myself?

Physically I ignored my own need for sleep at one point. I tried to stay up, because if I was up then he wouldn't look and pornography and viola the addiction would be gone. HA. I didn't know enough at that point. When I have struggled emotionally with this I have spent days without showering just in pain, doing nothing, not being productive, not getting out, not taking care of myself at all. At times I've eaten my emotions, which is unhealthy. I've called out of work because of the distress of facing the addiction of my loved one. I've gone to work and performed poorly because of the distress of facing the addiction of my loved one. All unhealthy behaviors.

2. How am I taking care of myself mentally?

Right now I am going to school and focusing on that. It is challenging and invigorating and something that has nothing to do with this addiction. It is wonderful to have my mind active and expanding with something other than knowledge about addiction.

3. How am I taking care of my emotional needs?

This one is going pretty well. I've always been able to identify my emotions and what I am really feeling (1 point parents!). Dealing with them has been a journey but currently I am blogging, journaling, participating in a forum filled with compassionate women who are going through the same thing, I'm actively opening up to my husband when I feel it is safe, and just two days ago I confided in a friend for the FIRST TIME about what I am going through. 

4. How am I taking care of myself phsically?

This one could definitely use some improvement. I do get the rest I need. I'm very selfish with my sleep time because I know that I quickly deteriorate without. I drink lots of water. And sometimes I eat healthy. Clearly exercise needs to become more routine.

5. How am I taking care of myself spiritually?

I pray, I study my scriptures, I write about and talk about what I learn. I am actively trying to magnify my calling. I read or listen to devotionals, general conference talks, and other resources on lds.org. I am seeking out ways to strengthen my relationship with my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost and it is blessing my life immensely. 

6. How have I neglected loving interactions with my family or been unaware of their physical and emotional needs?

Just last week I was super impatient with my 1 year old all day because of the distress I was feeling about the effects of this addiction. I was also in a grumpy mood around my parents and brother and was more rude and short-tempered than I usually would have been. I completely forgot to get together with my best friend TWICE in one week because I was distracted by my emotional turmoil. TWICE I totally stood her up. Thank goodness she is forgiving. 

Step One - Part 1

I started learning about steps and recovery and addiction many years ago. I didn't get my own Healing Through Christ manual until about 6 months ago. I've read it here and there and worked my own recovery through  many other methods but I haven't taken the time to read and implement the 12 steps in order, thoroughly. I decided to keep working on that because I believe only good things can happen from the principles in these steps! I'm working the steps in the Healing Through Christ manual, which is a 12 step adaptation for loved ones of addicts focused on Christ and His teachings.

Step 1 - Come to understand and accept that we are powerless over the addiction of a loved one and recognize that our lives have become unmanageable.

ADMITTING THAT I AM POWERLESS

1) How does an understanding of the powerful disease of addiction help me recognize that I am powerless to control my loved one's addictive behaviors and choices?

In the first year of marriage I didn't understand this well at all. I just couldn't wrap my head around why he kept choosing to look at pornography and masturbate when he said he loved me! As I learned more about addiction and learned just how much this behavior has become ingrained in the life of an addict, and how there are things deeper and more hidden contributing to his impulses I saw how I was powerless. I was able to stop trying to stay up all night so he wouldn't act out, or throw resources in his face to make him see how much he hurts me and should therefore stop, or any of the other countless methods I tried to control him and his addiction.

His brain is literally broken. Learning about the science behind what pornography does to the brain, re-wiring and diminishing impulse control, and so on, helped me see how powerless I am over his addiciton.

If I am powerless over the addiction, then I am powerless to stop it, or keep it going, and affect it in any way. Therefore: losing weight, more sex, less sex, make-up, shaved legs, compassion, affection, anger, hurt, selflessness, selfishness, leaving, staying, watching, staying up at night, yelling, being a doormat, and all the other things won't change the fact that my husband is an addict. How freeing. This means we can stop beating our head against a wall because we are only damaging ourselves and the wall will not come down from these efforts. The addiction is  more than curiosity, a bad habit, or looking elsewhere because I'm not _____ enough.

An understanding of addiction helps begin the process of healing for me by freeing me from continuing down roads that are futile.

There is always an up after a down

Image from "weweremadetoworship.com/something-to-remember-when-you-have-a-horrible-day/"

Yet again, I've made it through the anger and hurt and rough day that I wrote about two days ago. I feel that the ability of the heart to heal, to feel whole after feeling empty, to feel love after so much anger, to be filled with pace after despair is one of the greatest mysteries of God. Through His plan, Jesus atoned for us, and somehow that allows this miracle to take place. I know it happens, I know it is real, I trust it. I trust God. I might not ever get how it can happen, but it can. My heart is full of love again. And more importantly my heart is full of hope again. B's heart is turned toward me again too. There is a chance for us, I really believe there is. 

Also, I realized that a couple weeks ago I asked the Lord to bless with with the challenges necessary to help me down the path he would have me follow and teach me the things I needed to learn. Ouch. He delivered. I've only prayed this prayer a few times in my life and He always answers IMMEDIATELY. So, I'm grateful for answered prayers and I am SO grateful I'm on the other end of the past two weeks. They were kind of hell.

Angry All Day

I hate today. I have not been this angry in a while. I have not cried this much in a while. I feel like we've taken a huge step backwards. I feel like he is in addict mode but feigning calmness and he keeps quoting prophets and scriptures at me to back up his claims. It doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel okay. It doesn't feel right. Am I just crazy? Am I the one under Satan's grasp today? Full of anger, hatred, and disgust? Or is this my gut telling me "perk up - he is in addict mode - detach - protect yourself!" I have no idea. It is too much to write out now. I just don't have anyone to turn to and I'm supposed to just act like it is all okay, life is normal. Fake it till you make it. I feel another round of tears coming on - I better sign off.

Lessons while Weeding - Rooting out Satan's Lies

I live in the country. Weeds abound on our property. With summer drawing to a close it was time to empty out the overgrown garden plots (we have several raised garden boxes). I decided to work on one that we hadn't planted this year so all summer the weeds had flourished unhindered. They were deep, and it was a kind of grass weed where the roots are all deep and intertwined with each other. It was tough work using a pitchfork to get underneath and loosen things up and then pull and tug and tear and dig to get the roots out so it can be put to bed for the winter. I was covered in dirt and sweat. 

As I worked to uproot these noxious weeds a thought came to be about how Satan's lies are rooted in all of us. Some more than others. I thought about the lies that B's addiction to pornography has allowed to take root in him, some of which he has even tried to convince me of in the past. Some of which I believed. There are other lies that Satan has weaved carefully into our society that I have believed and some I'm sure I still do believe. 

It is hard work to uproot the lies that are planted in our hearts and our minds as truth. It took many years for me to really believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I am beautiful. I am beautiful because I can see myself as a daughter of God worthy of His love. I am beautiful because the Savior of the world sees me as beautiful. Satan is in a great battle for the hearts of the children of God. He is a liar. He is the father of all lies. I hate lies. I know that I don't want to let Satan enslave my heart with lies. I want to finish this life on the Lord's side, and be exalted on high and live with my God and my family forever. I know that the adversary is working hard for my heart and will continue to do so. However I won't let him have it. I might not be wise enough, strong enough, resilient enough to beat him on my own but the Savior is and He promised me help if I just humble myself. So, I will always strive to be humble enough. He can help me root out the lies, to identify them for what they are, and to seek truth and rely on truth and wisdom. It is hard work, just like pulling up those weeds. And just like weeding, the longer the lie stays in our hearts and minds the stronger the roots become and the harder it is to remove. But it is possible - we might have to have a some heavy duty tools to get the weeds out but Heavenly Father sent His Son to help us with just that. 

The last few years I have had some heavy duty tools working on my heart and mind to uproot some lies. It is painful and has been painful. There is more pain to come because I am imperfect. However, I choose the Lord. I choose humility. I choose to be seek after good things and truth. I choose to pull those weeds until they all come out and my garden is clean and the good seeds have not only taken root but have flourished.