Sleeping on the Diagonal

I have a boundary - I can't remember if I've talked about it on here before. It isn't listed on my boundaries page because it is pretty fluid. I have some give depending on my level of safety. It is that if B does not come to bed within 30 minutes of me then I will sleep apart from him. Typically this means he has slept on the couch if he doesn't come to bed on time. I don't go to bed early and if I do then I extend the time-frame for that evening. It all started when I couldn't sleep because the anxiety of "what is he doing?" "when is he coming to bed?" "Should I check on him?" "What if he comes and wants to have sex?" "What if he..." and so on. See me and sleep have had a generally wonderful relationship most of my life. I value sleep. When I get in bed I say, out loud, "I LOVE BED!" about 90% of the time. So after a week of not being able to greet my old friend sleep like usual I knew I needed a change. A wonderful sister from a forum I participate in suggested a boundary like the one I ended up creating. B didn't argue too much and it has helped immensely. It affords me much peace of mind that I didn't have before.

I still go to bed before B most of the time. Most of the time he comes to bed within the given time-frame but not always. A few times he has come to bed just outside of the time frame and it started to make me nervous so I semi-consciously came up with a solution to ease my fears. I sleep on the diagonal until he comes to bed. So strange and it seems so crazy when I type it out. But when I crawl into bed without him I sleep either dead center or swing my legs across his side to fall asleep. This way I KNOW when he comes to bed because I have to physically move. What I don't  want is to sleep and then wake up in the morning with him next to me and not know when he came to bed, if he came to bed on time, if he'll be honest about it. A few weeks ago he lied about why he was up so late and that is when the diagonal sleeping really kicked into high gear.

It is my little way of ensuring my boundary is kept without relying on his honesty. Last night I fell asleep on MY SIDE and sure enough woke up this morning to B beside me with no idea when he had gotten there and the fear crept in and the "scenarios" started to sneak up on me. Thankfully I was able to push them aside quickly, but it reminded me exactly why I sleep on the diagonal and that it is really a good solution to keep me feeling safe and secure and in control of my fears.