Now, my definition of kind and patient in this scenario varies WIDELY from his. I believe he was referring to wanting me to be "normal" and while he would respect my boundary of sleeping apart for a while he wanted everything to proceed as normal, no emotional distance, or sadness, or visible signs of the negative emotions I would be experiencing. He didn't say these things but based on our history that is what I believe he meant. This threw me for a bit and when I brought the topic up the next day it did NOT go well.
There are some things this has helped me realize (again). When my husband checks out and my addict husband checks in all logic and truth goes out the window. It isn't done maliciously I believe, but he truly is in Satan's grasp and Satan is trying to keep him there and bring me down to join him. The co-dependency comes out (thus his needing ME to be a certain way in order to be happy), the blame comes out, the defiance comes out, and the irrational, false, logic is in full display. And Satan is smart. He knows that I would have no problem dismissing things like name calling and yelling as addict behavior and wrong. He knows that I no longer buy into the lie that I'm not good enough physically for my husband to be sober. He also knows that I am trying to walk the fine line of being true to myself, to the gospel, and be Christ-like and show compassion. And that line is pretty blurry for me sometimes. So in hind-sight it is no surprise that B tried to convince me that the Christ-like behaviors of kindness and patience looked differently that I thought and I needed to work on those. Sneaky sneaky Satan. I grappled with it for a couple days - What is kindness in this case? What constitutes patience? (Still a little blurry, but not as blurry as two days ago)
Now, Satan's attack wasn't just one punch, he had a left-right hook going on because the thing that triggers fear in me more than anything else is any mention of secret keeping. Nearly every time B discloses he talks about how telling me things just hurts me so he really is thinking he shouldn't tell me this or that or it is so unnecessary for me to ask. I'll insist on transparency and he suddenly goes from "rescuer" of my hurt feelings to "victim" of my demand (Hello drama triangle, my old companion). This time was no exception. That is when the numb stopped working, the tears got close to the surface and I felt myself shutting the conversation down because addict husband is not a safe person to be vulnerable with.
Then came the negative emotions. They stayed all of Tuesday. In fact Tuesday was pretty darn awful because I got some bad news about a loved one's health and I couldn't turn to B because of all the negative emotions. It brought me back to my worst, most traumatic D-day where I was really really needing B and just got home and called him for support I opened our laptop and saw dozens of windows of pornography open. He had betrayed me when I needed him most. And Tuesday felt much the same. I knew from my step-work and experience that I was experiencing negative emotions and that there was a way for me to feel whole and happy again. I knew it would pass, but it just hurt so bad. I processed. I called a friend and let her in on the very surface of my feelings. I texted another friend and just expressed my loneliness. I read my scriptures. I posted a question on a forum I participate in. By Wednesday morning I was ready to open up to B and show him my hurt so I could begin to be vulnerable with him again. It was hard, and ugly, and lots of tears.
I'm still not back to normal. I have the emotional hang-over that typically follows trying to process so much negative emotion at once. The would is gaping open but I've cleaned out the gunk of negative emotion and will now work on bandaging with healthy thoughts, gospel truths, addiction and betrayal trauma knowledge, and most importantly the atonement. Satan got to me for a couple days but he couldn't hold me. I never want to let him hold me for long. Our Savior's embrace is a much better place to be. (The song below is titled "In His Embrace" from EFY and it seems appropriate)
You have such an interesting blog. Thanks for sharing, I enjoyed reading your posts. All the best for your future blogging journey.
ReplyDeleteWhen you decided to open up and be vulnerable with your husband, was he being open and vulnerable with you? I think you have every right to be vulnerable and not vulnerable with your husband if he chooses not to be vulnerable and open with you. Although God wants us to forgive and love one another, he also wants us to protect ourselves. I believe my wife has every right to be angry with me. She has every right to tell me how she feels, even if it hurts my feelings. It is her expressing the pain and horror that she is feeling and it is good. For me to interject and ask her not to speak her feelings I feel is trying to get her to comply with my wrong way of being. In a sense I am trying to make her an accomplice. "Don't talk about it. Keep it quiet, I'll heel much better without seeing your hurt and pain" is saying, "pretend that everything is okay so that I can feel like everything is okay." There are consequences to his actions and he SHOULD see the pain he's caused. The addict's perception of love is completely flawed. He cannot respond to love because he doesn't understand real love. We addicts only respond to pain and loss. Your not being vulnerable with him is a consequence to his actions. There are times when anger is necessary. I think of the two times when Christ cleared out the temple of the money changers. I'm sure he still had love for them, but there was not the time or the place to show that love. If you are opening yourself to him time and time again and he doesn't want to be real and vulnerable with you, I believe you have every right to make him step back. And I think you are justified before God in that. I hope things are moving in the right direction for you and your husband.
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