The One Where I Realize I Would Do It All Again

I've been thinking a lot lately about whether I would choose to marry a pornography addict again if I knew the pain that it would cause. The pain and heartache I've experienced with this trial far exceed that of any other trail I have experienced. Before I explain I want to say that this is very personal, and just my observations and feelings of my experiences. There is no right answer and this is not me giving advice to those questioning whether to marry or stay with an addict. Each situation is unique and each person must make their own decisions.

For me, I realized I would do it again. The reason is because I can't imagine giving up all the lessons I've learned and most importantly I am unwilling to give up the sweet relationship I've gained with my Savior and Redeemer as I have learned to lean on Him, to let His atonement work in my life, and to take His yoke upon me and hand mine off to Him. There are still hard days to come where I will be in the pit of despair. I still don't know if my marriage will last forever. I have hopes that it will, but I can't know that it will. One thing I know is that Christ lives. He is my Savior, my Redeemer, my friend, my confidant, my rock, my Lord, and my hope. He has shown me happiness even in my darkest moments and I know that means that there is a source beyond this earthly experience that is where we can and should rely for our happiness, our peace, our joy, and our perspective. My greatest wish is to live with my Heavenly Father and Savior again after this life, surrounded by my loved ones. I want those loved ones to include B and I have hope that will be the case. I'm so weak, I'm so broken, I'm such a child in my understanding of God's great mysteries but that is okay. This life is about learning, and growing and changing.

That is what this trial has done for me - it has changed me. Some of the changes are difficult, like how I can become anxious and fearful with only small triggers. But the important lasting changes are the good ones. When I become anxious and fearful I KNOW where to go to handle it, to heal, to find peace again. I have complete confidence and trust in my Savior and His willingness and ability to heal my heart, to save me from the natural man, and to teach me truth. I want to be with Him again someday, and that will take a refiner's fire. I'm willing to walk through that refiner's fire for as long as I need to in order to be perfected through my Savior and gain eternal life. I know there are other trials ahead of me. I have a feeling this one, the life of a WoPA will be the big one, or one of the big ones of my life. It will continue to refine me, to change me, to teach me as I let the spirit guide me through this fire. If I turn from the spirit then the change won't be good, the trial won't have a silver lining. But as I stick close to my Savior I will continue to find the silver lining.