I had an interesting experience - at least it was for me - a couple days ago. We are living with my parents right now, and my father is our bishop too. When we moved my husband disclosed to my dad his addiction because of the bishop thing. It went super well over-all. My dad has a general idea that it is an addiction and doesn't just go away. He gave good counsel like pray, read your scriptures, and some practical stuff like go to bed with your wife so as to remove some opportunity. He suggested the local church ARP meetings. He didn't really talk to me at all. It took me a few weeks to process the anger I felt toward my dad that he didn't support me. I thought surely this would be the one bishop who cared what this addiction did to me! However, I just realized that mostly the bishops and leaders just don't understand what this does to wives. If my dad knew the anguish I've been through and still experience sometimes he would definitely have responded differently toward me. So his lack of that response confirmed that he just doesn't get it, and I realized he can't get it. He isn't a WoPA. He just can't really understand the betrayal and crazy and worry and fear that comes with the territory. So, I did my best to give him educational resources and backed away, knowing I would need to find my support elsewhere.
Fast forward several months. He's observed that there are some weeks where I'm not quite myself and I seem less cheerful than usual. I try to hide it from my folks, especially my mom, because I can't really answer her questions honestly. He has asked a couple times how I am and what has me down. I've been vague. The other day though we were in the car together, and I was actually doing well. He asked how things were going. I told him it is up and down. He seemed a little puzzled. I told him that I guarantee that the other spouses in his congregation going through this have ups and downs too because of this addiction. He seemed to think there must be something else going on my marriage causing the discontent. Nope, this is it. I think he was still puzzled why I would have ups and downs when I intellectually know all I know about addiction. It was just interesting watching this man, who is the kindest, most spiritual, wisest man I know, struggle to comprehend the crazy that I am experiencing.
It made me so grateful for my WoPA sisters that offer love and support. I only have one WoPA girl-friend in real-life but I have an entire support system through blogging and forums. I know I can go there when I need clarity, love, compassion, support, help, and wise advice. There is nothing like experience that teaches us how to help others. This year as I have learned more and more and worked on my own healing I have felt a strong desire to share what I've learned. I gave my bishop a letter to other WoPAs he counsels, and a resource page, and I blog, and I participate in the forum, and I follow and share information about the damage of pornography on social media. If my difficult learning curve can make it a little easier for only one sister who gets the resources she needs on her first bishop visit instead of after years of searching then I kind of feel like it is worth it. If all the pain and anguish is only to help my sister's with their pain in ways I would otherwise have been unable to do, then it is worth it.
When I was struggling with infertility the only person who I could really express my pain to was my cousin who was struggling with the exact same thing at the exact same time. We shared our crazy-person stories and cried together and laughed together and she just knew. I'm so sad for all my WoPA sisters and so grateful for their strength and faith and hope at the same time. It isn't my dad's job to understand this trial. It isn't my bishop's job to be that person for me. It is my job to seek out the support I need from those who can offer it, and most importantly from my Savior. He knows. He's felt it. He gets it.
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