Are you not going to kiss me goodnight?

This question caused a problem the other night. "Are you not going to kiss me goodnight?" It was late, we had just said our bed-time prayer together and B stood up and walked to his desk and sat down. I was going directly to bed so this indicated he was foregoing our nightly ritual of a good-night hug and kiss. I asked. And he immediately started yelling. He said he hates that question and that if I want a hug why don't I just give him one instead of accusing him of being neglectful. I see his point - he felt like I was accusing him. And if I'm honest with myself, I was.

Earlier that day we had decided to do something together. He said he just needed to send a quick email. Two hours later when he was on a conference call I realized he had no intention of following through on our plans. I had been stood up. And the worst part - not only did he not follow through he totally forgot. He made no mention of it at all. When I jokingly brought up that he had not followed through he just laughed. Sting. I felt totally rejected. I tried to brush it off but when he walked away from a good-night kiss I felt rejected all over again and asked him "Are you not going to kiss me goodnight?" His yells stunned me because it seemed  like just a big over-reaction. And then he hugged me, but a little too tight and it hurt a little. And I went to bed. The next morning (he slept on the couch) he apologized and I told him why I had asked the question that way and that I had felt rejected. He apologized. When I got home from work that day there were flowers waiting for me. I LOVE flowers. I thanked him warmly. We were mostly on good terms but the emotional connection that we usually share on good days was missing. The mood was warm, but from a distance.

I realized this morning that I think the reason I am feeling "warm from a distance" is that I haven't forgiven him the latest disclosure and a tough conversation in which he blamed me for things. I'm stuck. And it is filling me with fears. The "scenarios" are filling my head. The ones that we make up and get worked up over when it hasn't happened and most likely won't happen. Those scenarios can be the death of a good mood on the best of days for me. I don't have an answer right now. I know that I have some healing to do. I know I have stuff to work through.

Last week was tough - I wrote about being all triggered by the stupid media. What I didn't write was that at the same time a beloved family member was in the last days of his battle with cancer and because of the recent disclosure I couldn't turn to B. Then the triggers. Then my dear family member died. Then I realized I couldn't attend the funeral but B would be able to go. I just haven't recovered from last week yet so I'm fragile, and fearful, and low, and I'm just doing everything I can to numb.

What can I do to heal? I will commit to doing step-work today and reading my scriptures. I will commit to reading my scriptures tomorrow and doing one thing from my self-care list. Then I'll revisit and maybe have more clarity.