"So Am I"

Last night B and I had a long conversation about the state of our marriage, the recent lies, and how we are feeling. It was a tough conversation. Neither of us really know where to go from here. The basics, as I understand them, are:

1) I expect transparency
2) He does not feel transparency is healthy for me, him, or us
3) I can't force his honesty and I don't trust him to give it now

By the end of the conversation we were both pretty emotionally raw.  I told him I'm scared of what rock-bottom will look like if he hasn't yet reached it. I'm scared of him choosing porn over his family and either leaving us, or making it bad enough that I choose to leave him. When we were basically done I said, "I'm worth it, you know." To which he responded, "So am I."

My knee-jerk thought was "That's not what I meant! I meant I'M WORTH FIGHTING FOR! I'm worth going through the work to OVERCOME YOUR ADDICTION!" I am. I am worth all the work it would take him to get sober and find recovery. However, he's walking a line trying to have both because he loves porn too. His response caught me off-guard because I'm not addicted. What was "it" that he was talking about?

I went to bed sobbing over the state of our relationship and pondering what he meant. The more I think about it, the more it pulls at my heart strings. He is worth fighting for too. I know this for lots of reasons but first and foremost is that the Savior already decided B was worth it. The Savior would have atoned and taken the weight of all the pain, and sin, and heartache, and suffering just for B and the Savior would have died just for B. B is worth it. B is worth the fight against the influence of the adversary when he tempts me to be angry, to be selfish, to be indignant and vengeful. I'm not saying that I believe in being an enabler, because that is not what the Savior is. But I believe that B is worth my time and energy and efforts to become more Christ-like that I might do my part to make our marriage work. B was just a boy, with a working mother, an absentee father, and late-night television commercials, who got sucked in.

I don't know why the Lord saw fit to guide me to him and to confirm my desire to marry B. I do know this trial has already made me more compassionate, more sensitive to things of the spirit, and more understanding of the sacred nature of the sexual relationship between a man and spouse. I know that my relationship with my Savior has grown more deep, and loving, and full because of this trial. If I do my part it will continue to do that. If I do my part, maybe, just maybe, I'll end up with an eternal marriage to B. Either way, if I do my part, I will gain my own eternal salvation and all that was lost will be restored and I will be able to return to my Father in Heaven and have him declare me a good a faithful servant.